amuse.ed Posted June 4, 2021 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2021 (edited) @2235hrs Ruminate Dear Diary, does ET still have a stake in this He thought it has always been his calling A part of him who couldn't bear to leave The other part has to face the stark reality The hard truths acted mercilessly No longer its about persevering It is more of ET can't make the cut Yet stubbornly trying to cling on it Just when ET wish to let it go Another opportunity strikes What a joke it must have been Should he give it up or another try Gosh! ET feels like being toss in the wind That makes him feel extremely giddy Does these rants sound familiar? Yes because he is running round in circles indefinitely. ET 04.06.2021 Edited July 1, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted June 5, 2021 Author Report Share Posted June 5, 2021 2021年 06月 05号 星期六 热 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, though it had rained twice today, its still a hot and humid day with the afternoon sun that came right after the rain. ET read an article via CNA that talks about mental health awareness and this statement struck him. “Even though there’s awareness around mental illnesses, admitting to having a mental illness is actually a different story.” ET's intuitive response to this statement is "Does admitting to having a mental illness comes with accepting and does accepting comes with acceptance?" And as much as there is an acceptance does it coupled with a nuance of consistencies and congruencies within the head (thoughts), heart (emotions) and the hand (behaviour)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted June 5, 2021 Author Report Share Posted June 5, 2021 (edited) 2021年 06月 06号 星期日 热 Mood: 5 睡不着 A more realistic approach on navigating grief and suicide loss. It's never linear. Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Edited June 6, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted June 9, 2021 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2021 2021年 06月 09号 星期三 晴 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, finally there was some afternoon rain to cool down the weather. ET feels more relief today and as much as he knew that its Mercury Retrograde for this season, there are still some documents he needs to undersign in order to start the processes. So since both application of the events (prior to the retrograde) are what ET has been looking forward to so he thinks that it should be fine to pen down his signature. He was unsure but let this entry be the witness if it is a wise decision to do that, anyway he doubted he has nil negotiating power for that. ET is approaching his 6th month of no nicotine and he is keeping things in check, so far so good. He is having constipation lately and thinks he will need to resume his prune juice intake. ET remembered that his ex-Pastor shared that human will experience changes in 7 years cycle and there was this UK documentary who tracked their protagonists from different strata on a 7 years cycle. The conclusion was.... its very important where one's starting point was, the documentary depicted that most born in an affluent background would end up better than those who were in a dysfunctional and poorer families. But it was found that those who were born at the lower strata tend to have better resilience and are more appreciative towards life. ET back-tracked what had happened to him at the age of 7 (1985), 14 (1992), 21 (1999), 28 (2006), 35 (2013), 42 (2020) and indeed there were some major milestones he had encountered. ET's heart is stirring, wondering if he should write a letter to his old-self to have a closure of some unpleasant incidences or unfinished business he has experienced. He is still thinking...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted June 13, 2021 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2021 2021年 06月 13号 星期日 晴 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, think no more, even the Universe disallow ET to dwell too much on his past. Yes, he has decided not to revisited those years and even he wishes to, he will do so privately. These few days have been quite trialing for ET, another round unsuccessful submissions of his job CV, no news, nothing. ET is disappointed, he is definitely experiencing compassion fatigue. Nothing about the human service sector perks or interests him anymore. ET should seriously consider a career transition, really. ET is not shifting the blame entirely but he just feel that the human service ecosystem here did not support what he envisioned to do. If one was asked to leave because of his sexuality, or if one was forced to declare his mental health condition if he wished to return to his ex-workplace, if being a scapegoat was the only way to be accountable to the people at the higher hierarchy or if being overly compassionate hindered one's career continuity then ET is really unsuitable to be in this sector per se. Ok, ET better not overthink and rant again. Anyway the ultimatum for this week was when ET hp malfunctioned on Friday which provided him with some distractions i.e. troubleshooting. Perhaps its time for ET to clear those unwanted information and contacts? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted June 18, 2021 Author Report Share Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 2021年 06月 18号 星期五 晴 Mood: 5 Edited June 18, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted June 27, 2021 Author Report Share Posted June 27, 2021 (edited) 2021年 06月 27号 星期日 晴 Mood: 5.5 Dear Diary, soon it will be July, ET tracked his diary entries for the month of June.... only 8, meaning that ET wasn't in a good mood to type on the rest of the 19 days. Honestly, besides going on a laptop screen fast..... ET was pretty overwhelmed with several issues on hand as well. Once again he struggled with suicidal thoughts and what he did was to write his "last parting words" in his physical diary which surprisingly works for ET thus far. The ability for him to express and ventilate himself in writing has tided him through..... but he was unsure if its suitable for anyone out there who may face similar challenges. The entry dates for his "parting words" were 29 Jan, 18 Feb, 21 Mar, 4 Apr, 21 May, 13, 22, 26 June. ET observed that his suicidal thoughts was accumulative meaning that he would have 2 to 4 days of it before he made an entry to his diary. And his latest one was just yesterday noon..... it was triggered by a dream of X...... ET dreamt of him 3 nights ago, in the dream, X looked happy and contented, he gave ET his usual megawatt smile and next moment ET woke up. Strange enough, ET hasn't been thinking much about X but why would he appeared in ET dream once again? Erghhh..... ET you seriously have to move on!!! Most significantly, ET experienced a miracle today as much as he has the suicidal thought this yesterday afternoon, he managed to step out of his house and met up Z for a evening coffee. Z is in a very good mood lately and its contagious, as he updated ET on what has happened for the past few days, ET could feel his joy, zest and passion..... (something ET is lacking due to his compassion fatigue) and surprisingly it permeates...... Z could be one of the few individuals ET knew who may accepted the fact that ET has a label of "bipolar disorder". ET sensed Z's sincerity, authenticity, genuinity with a dash of empathy while conversing with him. Not many people can make ET feels this way, not even among the peers in the mental health community. If the LGBTQI community has cliques and friends preferences so does the mental health community or ET should say it happens everywhere so long as there are three of more human interacting with one another. ET is better now because he finally felt there is another rare individual who has made the choice to put away his discriminative glasses and regard ET as who he is. ET recalled he read from somewhere that a wiser way to empathize another person is to ask more of "What has happened instead of What is wrong?" at an appropriate time. Anyway, ET hopes that he has wisely discerned him, again time will reveal. Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Edited July 13, 2021 by amuse.ed Sh3rlock 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted June 29, 2021 Author Report Share Posted June 29, 2021 2021年 06月 29号 星期二 晴 Mood: 5 ** The following content contains information on traumas, suicides, rantings and ramblings, read at your own risk. Dear Diary, its thundering now and ET has this sudden passing thought of wanting those people who had once maligned and brought pain to ET to be strike by these thunders. What a curse ET has made! He is definitely a weakling who did not try harder to stand up for his own rights back then, allowing these people to trample over him. ET often seek peace and harmony but it seems like it did not bring much of it. Being a gay diagnosed with a mental illness is a trauma by itself and every unpleasant experiences that comes along with it over the years were a series of traumatic events, how many PTSDs had ET suffered over these years? Being held hostage by a book named DSM 5 is unthinkable seriously. ET was first diagnosed in his 3rd 7th year and its already ET's 6th and why is he feel so stuck in life..... ET revisited some literatures on traumas and came across a recent pdf document on traumas named "The Wisdom of Trauma- Companion Booklet". Here are some pointers that were highlighted in which sits better with ET worldviews and beliefs. TRAUMA DEFINITIONS “Trauma is a psychic wound that hardens you psychologically and then interferes with your ability to grow and develop. It pains you and now you’re acting out of pain. It induces fear and now you’re acting out of fear. Trauma is not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you. Trauma is that scarring that makes you less flexible, more rigid, less feeling and more defended.” — Gabor Maté “Trauma is an inability to inhabit one’s body without being possessed by its defenses and the emotional numbing that shuts down all experience, including pleasure and satisfaction.“ — Bessel van der Kolk “Trauma can be anything that happens too much, too fast, too soon, too long coupled with not enough of what should have happened that was resourcing.“ — Resmaa Menakem TRAUMA SYMPTOMS “[As trauma occurs], our automatic danger signals are disturbed and we become hyper- or hypoactive; aroused or numbed out.” — Bessel van der Kolk When trauma is triggered, we may regress into primal states of fear, react aggressively, or become paralyzed and not be able to assess the level of threat. Below are examples of the way trauma symptoms can look like. (*) • Hyper-arousal: Increased heart rate, rapid or difficulty breathing, cold sweats, tingling, muscular tension • Constriction in body and narrowing of perceptions • Disassociation or Denial • Feelings of helplessness, immobility and freezing • Hyper vigilance • Intrusive imagery or flashbacks • Extreme sensitivity to light and sound • Hyperactivity • Exaggerated emotional and startle responses • Nightmares and night terrors • Abrupt mood swings: Rage reactions or temper tantrums, frequent anger or crying • Shame and lack of self-worth • Reduced ability to deal with stress • Difficulty sleeping • Panic attacks, anxiety and phobias • Mental blankness or spaced-out feelings • Avoidance behavior: Avoiding places, moments, activities, memories or people • Attraction to dangerous situations • Addictive behaviors: Overeating, drinking, smoking, drugs, etc. • Exaggerated or diminished sexual activity • Amnesia or forgetfulness • Inability to love, nurture or bond with other individuals • Fear of dying or having a shortened life • Self-mutilation • Loss of sustaining beliefs (Spiritual, religious, interpersonal) • Excessive shyness • Diminished emotional responses • Inability to make commitments • Chronic Fatigue or very low physical energy • Immune system problems • Psychosomatic illnesses: headaches, migraines, neck and back problems, chronic pain, asthma, skin disorders, digestive problems • Depression and feelings of impending doom • Feelings of detachment, alienation and isolation (living dead syndrome) • Reduced ability to formulate plans • Re-enactment of the trauma The CDC-Kaiser Permanente’s Adverse Childhood Experiences Study (ACE Study) links 10 types of childhood trauma with the adult onset of chronic disease, mental illness, and violence. The 10 ACEs are: physical, sexual, emotional abuse; physical, emotional neglect; living with a family member who’s addicted to alcohol or other drugs, is depressed, has other mental illness or who’s imprisoned; witnessing a mother’s abuse; divorce or separation. For people who have four types of childhood adversity — an ACE score of 4 — alcoholism risk increases 700 percent; attempted suicide increases 1200 per cent. Heart disease and cancer nearly double. People with high ACE scores have more marriages, more broken bones, more depression, more prescription drug use, more obesity. FIND YOUR ACE SCORE HERE Diary, if ET can ever rewrite his life narrative, he did like to see himself as someone who has suffer from the effects of traumas rather than a mental illness. Is ET in denial? Yes because the entire ecosystem is educated to hold high regard for psychiatry. No because ET feels that all these labels are unnecessary in the first place. The ecosystem is against ET, what can ET do? 2nd opinion? Well they are all under the same umbrella. Perhaps ET really do not belong to this world anymore. Time to go........? Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted July 1, 2021 Author Report Share Posted July 1, 2021 2021年 07月 01号 星期四 晴 Mood: 5 ** The following content contains random but not racing thoughts. Dear Diary, its July and half of 2021 has passed, time flies, ET is gearing up for an upskill digital coursework soon. He hopes that the course will turn out to be fruitful. Having to juggle with his suicidal thoughts and other aspects in his life allows him to know what are the life issues and challenges he needs to prioritize. He will often asked himself, does he has the means and resources to do what he wish to pursue? And if yes, how will these resources align and match with his current Ikigai? If it is a match.... proceed, if not, wait for another season when ET is more ready. Dairy, ET is also very baffled why must committing to work be one of the determinants to show proof that the person is functioning mentally and psychologically well? There are individuals out there who took a sabbatical for a season in their life isn't it? Though it has almost been a good 3 years since ET is not holding a full-time job in his ex-work sector he does keep abreast of the latest sector development, consulted clients on a pro-bono basis and he worked temporarily for almost a year. He even signed up for a upskill generic digital course that may lead him to a career transition and applied for another course impending for the selection interview. Dairy, no worries, ET does checks in constantly to ensure that he is not in a state of "hypomania or mania" prior to these two commitments. ET recalled his Taiwan therapist told him that he has been seeking refuge at this sanctuary named "Bipolar Disorder" all these years. Though ET has failed to seek out for alternate sanctuaries as of now, he is taking baby steps to develop other strategies to regulate his emotions, social and psychological front..... hoping that these strategies will direct him to the other sanctuaries. ET also recalled what DN has once told him its either ET continues his medication or to take the Holy Communion as a med replacement. ET understood that DN meant well and perhaps ET can explore this area however as of now ET just wish to go for the non-religious path, putting his faith upon the Universe, trusting that the Universe will guide him along, giving him the wisdom, discernment and peace to progress in life. Last but not least, ET is 189 days off nicotine and he is giving himself a pat on his shoulder. 🙂 Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted July 2, 2021 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2021 2021年 07月 02号 星期五 晴 Mood: 6 Dear Diary, ET is on a 6 today meaning that he is in a better mood but not anywhere close to hypomania or mania. ET went out from morning till evening, sat at food center.... it has been awhile since he has enjoyed his comfort food. Besides ensuring Singaporeans complied to the COVID19 Social Distancing Safety Measures, the government has also recently imposed a fine of $300 on diners who do not return their used cutlery and tray to collection spots. ET saw a group Social Distance and Tray Return Ambassadors making their rounds and all diners abided. The tables looked cleaner and less cluttered now and yes Singapore is a FINE city indeed..... Singaporeans are so conditioned and accustomed to all these fines and penalties, one will perhaps do out of fear rather than social graciousness. Anyway, ET is glad that he has completed his course modules for the week. He has found a venue for him to self-study comfortably. The venue's atmosphere and environment energized ET, he spent the entire day reading and listening to his lectures. ET starts to plan for his next week with a greater peace of mind. He is looking forward to more learnings and it seems like the suicidal thoughts have been compartmentalized. ET hopes that he can start a new routine from next Monday onwards that comprises of exercises, learnings and developing his hobbies. ET is thankful for today 02 Jul 2021, he felt an obvious shift that is beneficial for him, mentally and psychologically. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted July 6, 2021 Author Report Share Posted July 6, 2021 2021年 07月 06号 星期二 晴 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET mood dip abit over the past 3 days and he is telling himself that its perfectly alright to experience as such so long there is no prolonged intense suicidal thoughts. Something happened over the weekend which allow ET to reflect on something "Its better to be alone than to be in a crowd of unliked-mindedness people". In the past, ET would accommodate or even accept individuals who may not have the similar ideas and beliefs. ET thinks that its unavoidable at work because one has to be as professional and inclusive as possible, there is always this advantage of collective opinions. However, it will be a challenge if it starts to overspill into one's personal life, he feels that drawing boundaries are important, what is the point of having a gathering that becomes an argumentative, gossiping or suaning session? Nowadays ET will sensed the ground and retreat. That could be the reason why ET did not have many close friends to begin with and he is totally fine with this life arrangement. As for work front, ET felt that he has finally assimilated into his coursework and thankfully it has been smooth sailing thus far. ET recalled that someone has mentioned that he preferred to collaborate rather to work under another person. ET is trying to source for companies that he can collaborate with. Currently, ET needs to commit 15hrs to his course and the rest of the time he can pick up ad hoc assignments to earn some extra income. ET is still unmotivated into sports but he is trying his best to brisk walks where possible. He missed swimming and hopes that after the 12th July, it is no longer necessary to book for a swimming slot. The past 6 months has been tough and in the past if one is still in Christianity, the community would attribute it to spiritual attack. The Taoist would contribute it to a negative milestone one's need to overcome and the Buddhist would regard it as a Karmic effect. Gosh, ET just feel that he is pretty exhausted battling yet he is also glad that he has at least overcome yet another depressive episode. A reminder for ET: As he is a highly sensitive person by nature, he has to constantly remind himself to desensitize and avoid shooting himself at his feet meaning putting himself in situations where he needs to process higher sensory situations or events. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted July 7, 2021 Author Report Share Posted July 7, 2021 (edited) 2021年 07月 07号 星期三 晴 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, They said better late than never But it came almost two decades late Should ET rejoice or should he be livid A mix of feelings and emotions ET would say Milestones crossed, mountains surmounted ET felt that he could pushed a bit more But it seemed that was all he could ask for Because that is how the systems work here A new narrative is to be written The old label peeled off A fresh one pasted over Will it make a difference ET wonders Give him some time to mull over But however one thing for sure His highly sensitive, creative and imaginative nature Is no longer boxed, banded and bonded ET 07.07.2021 Edited July 8, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted July 9, 2021 Author Report Share Posted July 9, 2021 2021年 07月 09号 星期五 晴 Mood: 5 **The following content talks about death and its related subject, read at one's own risk..... Dear Diary, ET read the recent news on the rise of elderly suicides and he cannot help but to think what will happen to him as he enters the final phase of his life. Forgive ET as he tends to overthink. Everyone talks about quality of life nowadays but how about quality of death? Its sad to see anyone out there who choose to end their life in such a painful and drastic manner without anyone by their side. What constitutes a good and quality departure from this world? ET answer for now is euthanasia which is "define as the act or practice of killing or permitting the death of hopelessly sick or injured individuals (such as persons or domestic animals) in a relatively painless way for reasons of mercy" (credit: Merriam-webster) How about those who choose to end their life pre-maturely as a personal choice without any illnesses or diseases? Meaning if one day ET decides that yes its about time to depart this earth, he did like to be empowered and make an informed choice to leave painlessly with at least a few people by his death bed. If death is to celebrated as a beginning of a new lease of life, then there shall not be any issues to just end it at any phase of one person's life. ET knows that this will go against the ecosystem ideology socially, morally, religiously, politically and legalization. He wonders how many people out there, if given a choice did like to choose to begin their new lease of life via euthanasia? ET believes perhaps there is not many but as the entire world enters into aging population, such issues have to be discussed. Statistics like this is not merely about numbers, it is about how a person feels and thinks about death and when its about time, they can make an informed decision to go painlessly with a sense of dignity and quality. An open discussion is much needed indeed. "When one is born into this world, they are counting down to their death. Death on the other hand is the beginning of a new lease of life"- anonymous Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted July 10, 2021 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2021 2021年 07月 10号 星期六 雨 Mood: 5.5 **The following content talks about death and its related subject, read at one's own risk..... Dear Diary, ET attended a online workshop that talks about palliative care today and learnt these four things that are needed to tell the person who is on the deathbed - 道爱、道谢、道歉、道别 (an expression of love, gratitude, apologize and farewell). Its allows the person to depart in peace with no regrets and best to say it when the person is conscious and conversational. If the person is in coma, one may whisper into his ears. ET feels that its a good closure especially of there is any misunderstanding between the two persons. Death is unavoidable and its part of the life cycle and how one leaves the world with no regrets is very important as well, its part of quality death in ET's opinion. If this person is of certain religion, its better not to convert this person at his deathbed. And in any case a person with religion have to practice what is needed and inculcated so that they can have a good death via accumulating of merits, recitation of mantras rituals and prayers etc..... ET considers himself as a free-thinker, a person who will take an Integrative Eclectic Approach (IEA) when it comes to his beliefs and he is at peace. Perhaps one may say ET lacks an anchor, but he did like to counter that even with the so-called "anchor" he is being tossed to and fro by the waves too. Staying status quo and carry on with his life journey and adopt the IEA..... whilst applying compassion in everything that he does and encounters, regardless is the way to go in ET opinion. How about his funeral? ET believes there are funeral rites for free-thinkers out there so that it shall not be an issue..... but who will help him execute it? This is something that ET may have to give some serious thoughts especially when he is going to stay single and not wish to trouble his niece on that. A passing thought..... perhaps its time for Singapore to consider having a Minister of Loneliness, just like what Japan and UK did to tackle the rising aging population, suicides and alleviate social isolation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted July 13, 2021 Author Report Share Posted July 13, 2021 (edited) 2021年 07月 13号 星期二 冷 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, a gentle reminder for ET...... 7 Things I Need To Tell You About Life Click for Youtube (Credit: Fearless Soul ) Life is to be lived… lived before you die. Don’t waste a second of this precious gift You’re here for a reason, never stop asking WHY Here are 7 things I need to tell you about life. “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.” – Hellen Keller Number 1. Life is not meant to be so serious. Make time for fun, for joy, for play. Alan Watts once said: “This is the real secret of life — to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is PLAY.” Don’t trust anyone that tells you life has to be serious. Don’t believe anyone that says there is no time for fun, joy, laughter in EVERY or ANY day. When we are young life is nothing fun. The important lesson MOST of us adults still need to learn is that LIFE is not meant to be so serious. We can easily forget that our lives DO NOT last forever. This is why it is important to remind yourself that one day, you, like all humans will die. When we remind ourselves of our certain death… When we remind ourselves of the fact that we do not know when it will all end… when we really take that in… the impermanence of it all… maybe then… maybe then… we can start taking everything a little less seriously. Most people are struggling so hard, to get the job… to get the extra money… so they can impress people who don’t really care about any of that anyway… because they too are doing the same thing. Searching for that one achievement… that one amount of money that will make everything better. But money doesn’t make us feel worthy… only we can do that. Maybe we don’t need to stress so much about our weight… or our skin… or our bank account… or what other people think of us. I challenge you to look at life, NOT as a struggle… or a strain… or a destination that is SOMEWHERE ELSE needing to be reached… but a journey… a challenge to see how much JOY you can squeeze out of everyday… then… whether or not you get the big house, or fancy car… it won’t matter will it?… Because no matter what happens you will have what most don’t… 3 things money can never buy… Joy, peace… and passion for life. Create a life that feels good on the inside, not just one that looks good on the outside. “It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light” – Aristotle Number 2. Circumstances will NEVER define you… unless YOU decide to let them. Let me tell you a little life fact: If you are blessed enough to reach adulthood there is a 100% chance… YES, one hundred percent chance… that life will dish you up some things that you did NOT plan for, nor want in your life experience. These things are called character building moments. Life lessons. Challenges sent, maybe to give your life more meaning, maybe just something you need to deal with in your own time, in your own way. Wayne Dyer once said: “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”… When you change the way you look at these life challenges, sometimes you will find they are not problems or misfortunes but re- directions, sometimes blessings. Maya Angelou said “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” Don’t fight against life. When challenges come, as I guarantee they will, see if you can continue to give your best to the present moment in front of you. Be open to the fact that you do not know how anything will turn out… including this hard moment in front of you. Trust that it was for the best… for you, or for someone else. See if you can find meaning in any of it, even the hardest of times. “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” — Leo Tolstoy Number 3. If you don’t learn to control your mind, your mind will control you. The Buddha said: “The mind is everything. What you think you become.”… And that is not an extreme statement. Humans are said to have up to 60,000 thoughts a day, that is not the problem, the problem is most people are having these thoughts on autopilot… and many of them are NOT positive. Most people are programmed by society, by the news channels, by social media. They believe everything they read, they are REACTIVE and when a challenge appears in their life, they don’t know how to handle it, because they don’t know how to think for themselves. Rather than responding calmly and sensibly to fix a small challenge… they react in anger and escalate the challenge into a monster problem. Learning to control your mind, and control your emotions is KEY to living a life IN CONTROL. Not in control of circumstances but in control of how YOU FEEL about them… which is more important than being in control of circumstances because that is something you have NO CONTROL over. You control your mind and emotions through daily rituals. Consistent self-work every day. Repeating powerful processes that are proven to promote CALM, positive feelings. Meditation… daily gratitude… prayer… exercise… detoxing from ALL negativity – specifically news, negative influences and social media – all these things are crucial to living a beautiful life. Ultimately every individual is responsible for how they feel. Next time you react in anger KNOW that it is YOU that needs to do more work, not the circumstance or person that made you angry. No matter what is going on around the world, INSIDE… in YOUR WORLD it can be a magical, peaceful place “If you’re not going with the flow you’re going too slow” Number 4. Make a PLAN… but go with the FLOW as well. Jim Rohn once said: “If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.” Planning doesn’t mean being attached to the outcome though. If you plan to take your umbrella on a walk to deal with the rain, but your umbrella breaks… learn how to dance in the rain. What does that have to do with your life? Well most often in your life, you want to avoid getting wet, as in, you want to avoid getting in financial trouble, having health issues, having relationship or emotional problems, having a bad day, bad week, bad year or labelling your life as BAD… How do you avoid the “rain of life”? You avoid it by planning. Not planning for circumstances to be perfect. But planning to do the work on YOU EVERY SINGLE DAY. Planning exercise and healthy eating so your body is strong, healthy and vibrant – that will lead to a better quality of life. Planning daily rituals like meditation, gratitude, prayer, journalling or anything else that puts you in a great space – all of these things have a profound, and compounding effect on your life. The people you attract… the relationships you attract and strengthen. How you feel about yourself. Now of course, not everything always goes to plan, so when a challenge appears… when the rain of life comes down… learn how to dance in the rain, how to flow with it… and most importantly, PLAN to get back on track. As Benjamin Franklin once said “If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail.” “Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” ― Lao Tzu Number 5. You’ll never be able to please everyone. Yes, that is right. Even Mother Teresa has haters. No matter how pure your soul is, unfortunately, the reality of human beings is that we are all so DIFFERENT. And because of those great differences, we are all vibrating on VERY different levels. Some people are just not ready for kindness, peace, compassion – some people aren’t ready for ANYTHING positive. Don’t let that get to you. It’s nothing personal it’s just the very fact that everyone is so different, and from their difference in upbringing, circumstances and environment come differences of opinion and differences in reactions. Just because they don’t agree with you, or even if they are against you… or your ideas… doesn’t mean you can’t find a way to either get along with them or let them go their own way in peace. The very thing you don’t want to do is fight back and bring more negative energy to ANY situation. Let those who differ from you, differ from you. Be an example of someone who allows all others to have their opinion, without being affected. Move on with your life without hate… there is no need for everyone, or anyone to agree with you. Be so busy improving yourself that you don’t even notice negativity coming your way. Be so focused on making a positive difference in the lives of those who want to hear from you that you fail to hear from those who don’t. “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ― Oscar Wilde Number 6. You won’t be happy if you’re being someone else trying to fit in with others – Be yourself and do it with pride! Genuine happiness will never come to you if you are changing who you are to please OTHER people. You can not be genuinely happy if you are not genuinely YOU. Get comfortable BEING YOU… around everyone and anyone. All the wrong people will leave you… and that’s ok… because the RIGHT people will stay. The right people as in, those who love the REAL YOU… exactly as you are. As Dr Seuss said, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” “How people treat you is their Karma, how you react is yours” – Wayne Dyer Number 7. Those who are stuck in their own misery will try and drag you into their dark hole. Don’t let anyone steal your joy. Wayne Dyer said “Loving people live in a loving world, hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world” The nature of some human beings is that they don’t want to see you happy… because they haven’t yet achieved it for themselves. Many people live in a hostile universe… and, perhaps unknowingly… perhaps unintentionally will try and drag you into this hostile universe so they are not alone in there. Never change who you are and drop down into this hostile world. If you remain true to you… committed to this loving universe you live in… committed to your own well being, your own peace, joy and MAGIC you are living in every day… sooner or later all those people will stop trying to drag you down, and instead ask you to help them up to your world. Be the light for others to find their way. Be the example that changes not only your life, but others through your own POSITIVE LIFE EXPERIENCE. Eleanor Roosevelt said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Don’t allow the bitterness of others inside your heart. They don’t want to be there either… they need someone to show them the way. So many people are hurting and they hide that hurt with bitterness and judgement. Wherever you can, in any day, in any moment… be that light for someone else. Lighten their day with your genuine kindness. Even if they don’t give it back. Be a positive example for this world. Edited July 13, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted July 14, 2021 Author Report Share Posted July 14, 2021 (edited) 2021年 07月 14号 星期三 凉爽 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET is glad that hot weather has seems to cool down for the past few days. In the past, whenever someone asked what contributes to ET recovery of his "mental disorder", he would provide a 10 years series answers. i.e. family, friends, faith, fun and f&b. Then as years passed and circumstances changes, ET has a new perspective and sees it as all he has mentioned only make up of perhaps 3%..... not forgetting that family and friends may leave and or even worse became toxic over time (for reasons who only they may know). The rest is dependable on how one define a good faith, fun and f&b because these will erode and become least desirable overtime as well. So the most important of all.... be it recovery a not..... ET likes to see it as resilience first rather than recovery.... which stems out to be 97%, is really about SELF. Yes Diary, the intrinsic self. And it takes enormous amount of effort to cultivate that. Resilience is build on self and not anyone or anything else. ET's mood dip again for the past two days and aren't he glad that he revisited the YouTube clip he posted yesterday. ET knew that he has experienced past traumas and is still recuperating. But how long will it take to heal especially these traumas will somehow affect his future? ET reinforced that he must define what is healing. Healing to him is even if he is exposed to similar traumas in the future, he will know how to regulate his emotions, compartmentalize it at his own pace. ET has to be aware of maladaptive coping strategies and not let it loom over i.e. drinking, smoking, suicidal thoughts not forgetting to cushion any adverse impact over personal and professional relationships he is trying to build too. Just some food for thoughts before ET dives into his reading again. Have a good day Diary. Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Edited July 14, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted July 17, 2021 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2021 (edited) 2021年 07月 17号 星期六 热 Mood: 5 缓冲 他都不留恋了 怎么就不让他走 你还执念些什么 这份痛彻心扉的卑微 怎么就不能好好把他它放下 就算强颜欢笑也能够缓一些 和它走得战战兢兢 只因无法再承受那份打击 无论是过往留下的阴影 还是显微镜下的畏惧 都无法超越自我救赎的魄力 它那般神秘莫测的倒影 那股清晰又雄伟的声音 仿佛就在对岸呼唤着 唤醒着 已将低达的目的地 为他好的话 请松开手 让他向前进 世人说它的降临 千万别靠近 对他而言却是一切美好的开始 这已经不是你能做的决定 把他交给它 也许是你俩 能够保持最完美不过的距离 柚子 17.07.2021 Edited July 22, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted July 22, 2021 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2021 (edited) 2021年 07月 22号 星期四 热 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET had his 2nd dose of vaccination last week and underestimated the side effects which took him till now to recover. ET knew that this would happened somehow but did not expect it to be that serious. He is feeling better now and glad that he has caught up with his course readings as well. Several things has happened over this week that prompted ET to think over alot of his life challenges while nursing his side effects. Mental health disorder is something that are undeniable awkwardly positioned in the present society. What ET do not understand is any reasons for it to be given several labels and are often associated with discriminations and stigmatizations in which somehow put one into the state of helplessness. Thus many choose to be hush hush about it, not seeking timely interventions and treatments and "even choose to think that its just a personality or character default." Perhaps, mankind are always after titles, names and labels, something that they can be more relatable to but at the same time decided to cast a different attitude and outlook extrinsically. People with mental health disorder are often been portrayed as a menace to the society but why can't society be more empathic? Try to understand what has happen to that person.... or ET has always been living in an eco-system that did not give support to that aspect at all? ET can never understand why there will be individuals who choose to have thoughts, attempted or successfully ended their life because it has gone to a point where the pain is unbearable. All ET can think and feel is his own pain that cause him to toggle between seeing himself as an overcomer and someone who succumb to such thoughts at times. So who is he to expect the rest to apply similar understanding and empathy? What an nonsensical expectation..... so what ET is trying to imply is always for him to look inward, and perhaps via that process, ET can gain more empathic and hold no expectations or whatsoever so that he can relinquish the past that are still clinging onto him. This challenge is not going to be easy one but he believes he can do it with much resilience and perseverance. To sum it all, what ET FOCUS on is very important, isn't it Diary? Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Edited July 23, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted July 23, 2021 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2021 (edited) 2021年 07月 23号 星期五 冷 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET is disappointed because he failed his interview, kena rejected once again. He did like to know why but he reckon the answer will never be reveal to him. In the past, he would email and enquired more, often slapped with diplomatic replies. But now he did like to do something different, he will ignore, move forward without any answers and focus on more important stuff ahead of him. Who knows one door closed, the other opens. This is a test for ET not to dwell on this matter and to refrain from further speculations. Trauma has been discussed intensively lately and ET has always been toying this idea..... can his psychiatry diagnosis cum experiences for the past 20 years be of trauma? He realizes that his responses / behaviour to his life challenges stems from what has happened and history often repeats itself again and again. ET observes a pattern but isn't sure if he is on the right track of things. Hmmmm..... is ET having his "mania or hypomania"? Well there you have it Diary, its this one of those common self-doubts ET has that somehow stops him from moving forward. ET recalled the following: “Trauma is a psychic wound that hardens you psychologically and then interferes with your ability to grow and develop. It pains you and now you’re acting out of pain. It induces fear and now you’re acting out of fear. Trauma is not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you. Trauma is that scarring that makes you less flexible, more rigid, less feeling and more defended.” — Gabor Maté "Trauma can affect people of all ages and it can be inflicted by a single event or a series of events that result in an individual being physically or emotionally affected — to the point that it may impair how the person functions, his ability to cope as well as his well-being. Left unchecked and unprocessed, trauma could delay the healing process or even lead to adverse outcomes later in life." - Today Online, 23 Jul 2021 Diary, so can ET conclude that he has been experiencing traumas after traumas all these years? Or is he just trying to shift the blame to somewhere he thinks fits the best to his narrative? Or could it be both? Meanwhile, ET is back to his brisk walk for the past two days, he tried to walk under the late afternoon sun for some Vit D and he is glad to be back to the nature and seaside. 🙂 Edited July 23, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted July 26, 2021 Author Report Share Posted July 26, 2021 2021年 07月 26号 星期一 热 Mood: 6 Dear Diary, it was hot and humid over the weekend ET managed to survive doing his readings in both afternoons. As he was going through the course content, he felt the level of his understanding of the subject has drifted further and further away from him. Suddenly he recalled what his last ex told him prior their breaking up.... in the nutshell they broke up because ET ex felt that he has understood ET well enough to know that he was unsuitable for him. The feeling is somehow familiar because its only when ET read the course plan, format and modules that he feels that this subject is not his cup of tea. ET is primarily an auditory and kinesthetic learner, perhaps that is the reason why the universe put him through so many experiential predicaments? Haha. Diary, remember the other time ET texted that he dislikes late comer who is late for more than 15mins? Recently he encountered one person who claimed that he would be 45mins late for an one hour appointment at a very last minute without any valid reasons. In the past, ET will try to accommodate and stretched the minutes for the late comer. As ET has another appointment after the meet up, he told the person he can only stretch the most 15mins. So in the end he was late for 30mins and the meeting went on for 45mins. ET has asserted himself, no longer he will be step on like a mat. ET is glad that he spent his evening with W yesterday and they talked for almost 4 hours. Time really flies when ET is with someone who is like-minded, able to give objective and honest replies to his questions. The conversations was very spontaneous and ET spirit was lifted and energized after they parted. ET feels that W is a person who hold firmly in what he believes in and when is tough for him to waver his point of views, he will agree to disagree without any bull dozing. Importantly There were respect and amicability as well. ET hopes that he can deepen his friendship with W, just as how he did for K and H. Its been awhile since ET meet up with K and H in person, they were supposed to do so but have to postpone due to ET's 2nd vaccination side effects. He is glad that both of them have been very understanding and their whatsapp conversation is still kept warm. Ok Diary, ET is going for lunch and back to his readings thereafter.... yawn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted July 26, 2021 Author Report Share Posted July 26, 2021 @ 1550hrs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted July 28, 2021 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2021 (edited) 2021年 07月 28号 星期三 热 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, psychiatric medications are highly addictive, detrimental to vital organs and other adverse side effects on an individual long term. Anti-depressant will induced mania in ET and other classes of medications have side effects that will somehow hampered with one's daily living. ET believes that medication is one of the many reasons for people not to seek treatment early. Other reasons are being labelled and the society's stigmatization and discrimination towards mental health issues. And worse still, institutions and agencies managing the aspects of mental health "may potentially experienced stress within and could have pass it on to their beneficiaries". ET is glad to see the recent call for more awareness on importance of mental health once again. Yet he is sad because it took many life and one school tragedy to only speed things up. The Ministry talks about employing more School Counsellors, the next question is to ask if there are enough manpower with accreditations to begin with? Is school a conducive place to conduct counselling or would it be better to have more touch points at the community level? And when the Minister suggested for parents to support teachers, who will then readily support parents who are also facing other stressors whilst trying to juggle between personal, work and families? Mental, emotional health, trauma literacy and its follow up in ET's opinion go beyond the class rooms. Can Art and Music lessons be a form a therapy for students? How can the topics be integrated into other class subjects and activities so that it can bring constant implicit reminders? There are well-intended initiatives in placed over the past 10 years but have they achieved their objectives? ET is not talking about the statistics and KPIs because it goes beyond the numbers, its a matter of the heart, something that's intangible, implicit and if not regulated, will turn detrimental. Alot to think and feel through indeed...... Edited July 28, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted July 29, 2021 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2021 2021年 07月 29号 星期四 热 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, remember when ET texted that his career was disrupted because he was being overly-compassionate? In fact, something was brewing since the beginning of Jan this year but ET was unsure whether to mention at this platform. What happened was the ex-company that caused ET's career disruption made a request for him to return to work with them again. ET back then was very unsettled and indecisive, he was unsure if he should agree to the job interview. In the end, he declined the job interview. As ET reflected, he believed that he has somehow suffered from PTSD from the different unpleasant work experiences he had. All these stints have made him feel so helpless and powerless to the extend where he cannot trust anyone anymore. The self-fulfilling prophecy that something similar will happen and being paranoia of what will happen next. These had also over spilled and affected his personal and inter-relationships. ET life challenges has always been trying to overcome traumas after traumas, he wonders when will it come to an end. "Some people" out there may feel that ET is just being drama and super imposing his issues, again these issues are exclusively ET's. No one has ever experienced as what he had been through. Perhaps, ET did like to ask if those "some people" have adopted maladaptive habits e.g. drugs, alcohol, gambling and unhealthy lifestyles to cope? Not forgetting, using defense mechanisms to protect oneself from unpleasant emotions. Or even unknown physical pains that may be emotions-related. All these could be the output or the manifestations of PTSD. ET feels that much has been said about Childhood trauma (Adverse Childhood Experiences) how about adult ones? It must have been accumulative as one move forward his lifeline. There will be alot to explore if ET really sits himself down and do his research diligently. Back to what happened in Jan 2021, ET made a request to the HR asking them if they could do something that might potentially vindicates him. And finally today.... after 2yrs, 8 months and 9 days, the moment that ET has been waiting for yet he is not elated at all. He feels numb even as he narrates now in text, there is no sense of relief at all. ET has been always on his toes and perhaps this seed of "unknown emotions" had already been planted 20yrs ago when he was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. And that's another traumatic experiences narratives altogether..... PS: Diary, ET was clearing his e-mail inbox and found this content which he emailed to his ex-company, asking for re-employment but received NIL reply from them. The date was 9 Mar 2020...... ".....The ability to listen and to guide others out of the dire situation has been one of many reasons why I woke up every morning. I began this quest in 2005 where I embark my Diploma and after completing my Bachelor Degree in 2008, I gotten involved in the sector for almost closed to 12 years. Honestly, I do faced an uphill task like many others who need to experience different settings/niche to determine to which I can provide to my best capability in terms of my expertise and transferable soft skills. This explained the different breaks in between my career lifeline and there were moments of self-care as well where I have inevitably suffered from a burn-out. After I acquired my Graduate Diploma in 2013, it was decided that my focus would be of competencies in relation to rehabilitation. As a person with Post Traumatic Stress and Bipolar Disorder for closed to 20 years, I have realized that recovery in any form or presentation is a life long journey, the disorder may not be cured but its certainly treatable and recovery is highly possible with the support of the robust human ecological system that the person maybe in. I am very blessed to have strong psychological and emotional support from my immediate family members and friends in my recovery journey. And for those who may lack of it, I wish to be the conduit in providing the support at their ecosystem level where one will feel empowered, validated and supported by the community......." Just imagine ET trying to "smoke his way through".....it is so laughable isn't it, Diary? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted August 8, 2021 Author Report Share Posted August 8, 2021 2021年 08月 08号 星期日 凉 Mood: 5 ** The following content contains information on suicides, rantings and ramblings. Dear Diary, it took ET quite awhile to decide if he should type the following. The past 10 days were full of ups and downs. He could feel his instability, emotionally and cognitively. Those thoughts of wanting to end his life resurfaced and he almost wanted to increase his dosage of mood stabilizer for another 200mg (as discussed with his psychiatrist) but he did not, guessed this might be his will power at work. Most of the days, ET skimmed through his online readings monotonously, neither could he focused nor concentrate because the course he is studying right now is something very new and/or wasn't what he really wish to do for his career transition. To make matter worse, there were also a few noises from his loved ones and closest friend telling ET to relinquish from human services sector citing that he is no longer young and he need to decide where to proceed next. ET wonders if would they ever say the same if they were in my shoes for all these years. All ET can say is if the sector is more secular focused, inclusive and forgiving perhaps he can still survive in the sector. The challenge is he cannot reconcile and resign to this fate of his that what had happened to him can't be revert or change...... so what is the point of having advocacy work in the first place? He is even asking himself if sticking to the sector shamelessly is self-serving now. Anyway, according to Astrology predictions, ET has till Jan 2023 to think it through what he really wish and want to do for his next phase in career, "to enjoy this journey but do not lose sight of the purposes" as he was told. Diary, ET is feeling vex and really wish that he is in a foreign land where no one ever knows about his "mental health disorder" and sexual orientation. Yes it has been almost 2 decades and ET is having these thoughts and emotions that still surfaced periodically. ET primary belief is that as much as one can be physically ill, likewise one can be mentally ill as well. But this mentally ill comes with labels that are discriminative and highly stigmatized. Its unlike diabetics, high blood pressure, high lipid, flu, headache or even a fracture where one can be treated with medications and are non-discriminative. ET has always been intrigued by the fact that when one is down with an ailment transmissible via virus, there will be immunity after treatment so that the person will be least vulnerable of relapse after recovery. But why can't mental illnesses do the same and what are the immunity(ies) of mental illnesses? ET thinks that is why the brain is the body's most complex organ. Its so unfathomable. And is ET looping in circles again? Yes he is. Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted August 9, 2021 Author Report Share Posted August 9, 2021 2021年 08月 09号 星期一 热 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET yearns to be least emotional and be more objective. 改变自己 To change oneself. Happy 56th Birthday Singapore! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted August 11, 2021 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2021 (edited) 2021年 08月 12号 星期四 凉 Mood: 5 柚子呀。。。 失眠夜的晚上 在想些什么? 也许。。。不能那么自私 人生就是如此 人在江湖 身不由己 也应该为大局着想 无论被负了多少次 无论失望了多少回 路 还是得要走下去 虽然会有点儿艰难 但坚信自己和宇宙的能量互动 能战胜一切 给于平安健康和喜乐 强颜欢笑-ing 当中 😁😆😄 -柚子 12.08.2021 PS: 还有。。。听得见你心在跳最重要 Edited August 12, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted August 13, 2021 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2021 (edited) 2021年 08月 13号 星期五 凉 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, today is Friday the 13th that falls on the 7th lunar month (Hungry Ghost festival), ET is wondering if anyone out there feels that its an absolute unlucky day for him or her. Last night, ET was tossing and turning again, he woke up every 2hrs and went back to sleep thereafter. By the time he wakes up its already 11am ish. But thankfully his Friday went on pretty smoothly, he managed to complete his bi-weekly chores and attended two online meetings without any hiccups. There are definitely things that's on ET's mind right now. He is thinking how long can he survive here in Singapore. There are job opportunities out there for him to explore. It is either he stays here and struggles with the fact that he is a gay with mental illness who will be forever stigmatize and discriminate by all levels in the local ecosystem or leave Singapore to go somewhere else where no one will know who he is and what's his past. ET wonders how the others being in similar plight survived or have they already ended their life?? Perhaps its time for ET to reveal something that took place at the beginning of July 2021. Upon ET's re-requests, his new Psychiatrist finally decided to paste a new label on him.... ET's mental health disorder is reclassified as "Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) - Anti-depressant induced Mania". Henceforth, ET's mania will only be triggered after he was medicated with anti-depressant. In fact, ET do not know how to respond to this new re-labelling. He checked against with his basic emotions i.e. Glad, Mad, Sad, Scared.... he felt glad at the beginning then there were a mix of them for that initial few days, it became numb for that 14 days he was off-line and then that mix feelings hit again recently. It has been almost 20yrs he has lived in this Bipolar Disorder bubble and now he is "migrated" to this so call new bubble. But there is one thing for sure, ET insisted that he did not suffered from Bipolar Disorder but just a minor depressive episode that stemmed from the struggles he experienced with his sexual orientation and/or cold turkey from alcohol and nicotine. Why didn't ET insisted back then? He can only blamed himself for allowing the medical professionals to medicate so heavily on him till he was all confused and disorientated. There was also seriously a lack of knowledge and ET loved ones took things according to face value and trying to adapt and assimilate to that ecosystem they were in. All the things about gay conversions, faiths, taking things as it comes along, take it as another life challenge yet not sitting down and think it through thoroughly and meticulously what were the triggers, the gone wrongs during ET's initial hospitalization and what followed thereafter...... resulted who ET is today. He hopes that as much as there are much awareness and education on mental health, wellness and its disorder, one must always not just take matters at face value. ET in his opinion suffers from Medical Trauma and he is trying his best to address it. If there is ever a time travel or a time loop, how will it be like for ET to return to 01/01/2000 in hope to revert this trauma? Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Edited August 13, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted August 14, 2021 Author Report Share Posted August 14, 2021 (edited) 2021年 08月 14号 星期六 凉 Mood: 5 A good to know. Heavy content yet informative. Trauma Treatment Edited August 14, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted August 15, 2021 Author Report Share Posted August 15, 2021 (edited) 2021年 08月 15号 星期日 热 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, the world always says that one has a choice to choose how he or she sees, hears and perceives. ET will have to agree with that. This year came with two weights somehow lightened for ET, one was the incident with his ex-employer, the other, his mental health disorder. ET stated "somehow" is because he is unsure if he is feeling any happier now, he should count his blessings, be thankful as he has gotten what he appealed for. But there is still this unexplainable vacuum in ET. It seems like he did not know how to feel till to date. He keep telling himself to stop running in circles but it cannot be simply ignored because all these PTSDs had obstructed ET progressions. He distracted himself by other commitments yet he knew that without addressing the cores and roots, the "stuckness" will still be there. Some will say time heals..... and ET hopes that time will speed up for him to heal. This is so real yet surreal, his thoughts running in circle and his emotions looping. There is this part of ET that is really getting sick and tired of all these rantings. Can any kind hearted souls out there tell ET what's wrong with him? Ok one thing positive.... at least ET managed to type this entry and not choose to avoid by flighting. Edited August 15, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted August 16, 2021 Author Report Share Posted August 16, 2021 2021年 08月 16号 星期一 热 Mood: 5 A good read on "Trauma Is Really Strange" by Steve Haines. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted August 19, 2021 Author Report Share Posted August 19, 2021 (edited) 2021年 08月 19号 星期四 热 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET watched last night Chinese info-tainment programme and there was a segment that talked about false positivity. In a nutshell its said rather to always psycho oneself to stay positive, one must face challenges and not sweep their real root problem under the carpet. The professionals also advocated for its ok not to be ok. Watch it here. Edited August 19, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted August 19, 2021 Author Report Share Posted August 19, 2021 (edited) 2021年 08月 20号 星期五 冷 Mood: 5 又一晚失眠夜 柚子自问。。。。。 创伤来自何方? 地点时间人物 所构造的状况 它力量无比之大 能造成身心灵的瘫痪 凭倚着许多年 那"琳琅满目"的创伤 也背负着悲痛 优伤 愤怒 哀愁 更尝尽了那 酸甜苦辣 头脑思绪混乱 潘多拉之盒已打开 回忆不断地在播放 提着那过往的负担 柚子。。。应该走向何方? 柚子 20.08.2021 Edited August 19, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted August 21, 2021 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2021 2021年 08月 21号 星期六 冷 Mood: 5 白云你在何方 仰望着天空 寻觅你的踪影 却无法看到 那被蓝天雕琢出般的轮廓 你躲在哪儿 怎么不出来打个招呼 听着如果云知道 想你的夜慢慢熬。。。 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted August 22, 2021 Author Report Share Posted August 22, 2021 2021年 08月 22号 星期日 冷 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET is wondering if he is finding every reason for what had happened to him thus far. As he dived in into the research of trauma, it reinforced that the stuckness he experienced currently is from all the "teaching moments" he had experienced in the past. Ironically ET was diagnosed with PTSD and it is not until the past 3yrs that he really felt the impact and implications that trauma have brought upon in his life. In the past what he learnt was mostly about abuse and little did traumas came to his awareness. ET feels that it's necessary to go through some form of healing from his traumas.... something that's more than closures he did in the past.... and not sweeping things under the carpet because this will in turn cause other problems i.e. mental disorder, addictions, undesirable behaviours, emotional turmoil and even physical pains to manifest. These are issues that may seem minor but when accumulated just like a dormant volcano will eventually erupt. So instead of being passive about it, ET need to proactive address these challenges and be upfront about it despite the pain. He may lose some relationships and be put in awkward situations in the midst of everything but he thinks that it is still worthy to give it a try. Diary grant ET the strength and courage to start looking at the dirt under his carpet. It's time for a major spring cleaning...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted August 25, 2021 Author Report Share Posted August 25, 2021 (edited) 2021年 08月 25号 星期三 冷 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET thinks that the reason why there is so much delayed in his "aftermath response to PTSD" was because he has been flighting and freezing as a coping mechanism all these years. He can only blames himself for not fighting enough or perhaps he is stuck in the quicksand of this unhealthy ecosystem. What if back then he has fought? Will things be different? He is taught to forgive and forget, agree to disagree, let it be and better to move on. But the fact is ET hasn't move on and all he did was to put on a facade, clouding and consoling himself or even worse displacing his emotions on his loved ones and spiraled into addictions. He can never imagine that he has took an enormous step whereby there is still a need to accept and adjust his stance reconciling his past and present mental disorder. Gosh this is absurd, Dairy! Its like ET is self-sabotaging himself for the past Nth years. Recently, news have been highlighting the pressing need to address mental health as a nation in light the recent pandemic and many unfortunate incidences that had warrant much attention over these years. The first National Mental Health blueprint was map up in 2006 almost 15yrs ago and now a task force is going to set up to further look into this matter. ET understood it takes time for policies, systems and blueprints to take its effect but have makers of all these ever ask themselves it has been 15 years, what is wrong and why situation has taken for the worst in recent years?? ET feels that this pandemic is really a litmus test for this 15yrs old blueprint and has sped up the need to seriously review and re-evaluate its how it impacts the nation's mental health sector. ET wishes that as much as a pressing need to address the discrimination and stigmatization of mental disorders. A closer look is also needed to look into the possible of misdiagnosis or mal-treatments or practices of the professionals. ET recently came across a thought-provoking video that was featured 10 years ago, claiming DSM is a scam (link below). Its somehow resonated with ET but it is a shame that the video did not give a good alternative proposed account on why and how a person will feel and behave to "tantamount it as a mental ailment/disorder/illness" (whichever one calls it). ET wonders if this video its still of relevance in today's context because there are not many people who advocated for this in recent years. Or perhaps it can also be some funding issues where more and more people are drawn into this convenience of people labelling. Perhaps, the human life progression has resulted in simply categorizing certain maladaptive emotions and behaviours and collate them in a form of a manual, disregarding the heartware of things. There is also a desire for instant gratification, in terms of outcome, hence prescribing of medications are needed so that the person can bounce back better and contributing to the society productively (and call it a part of resilience) without taking into the consideration on how the medication has an adverse effect for the person not to mention the discrimination and stigmatization that comes along with it. Diary, ET may be incorrect on all these, he is just speaking from the unpleasant experiences he encountered for all these years. ET thinks that he is also to be blame for his own perpetuations and not forgetting he is a human as well, isn't it Diary? Diagnostic & Statistical Manual: Psychiatry's Deadliest Scam The DSM Classification System: More Harm Than Helpful? Edited August 25, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted August 27, 2021 Author Report Share Posted August 27, 2021 2021年 08月 28号 星期六 冷 Mood: 5 Another sleepless night Not really to ET's delight All these years he has been using all his might Trying to make sense out of his current plight Hoping to seek the truths out of many lights There were many times he felt awkward People of certain personas and profiles Circumstances that put him on the spot Often times he avoided by "booking a flight" Rarely he will freeze, fawn or fight ET asked himself why was there a repitition And obviously his holistic health and career are affected Seems like the universe knows he has not learnt his lesson ET thought he has acquired and healed much from his past by attending those courses But the present state that he is in now may just "hold some horses" He sat down and reflected on his own childhood experiences There were abuses in many forms.... Emotional, physical, psychological Not forgetting sexual plus bullying All these were called ACE* by the experts An ACE he hopes no child will ever attained But sadly it is still very much prevalent till today As much as people of this generation are educated Why abuses are seems here to stay? And the repercussions has worsen day by day Could it be a lack of self control Could it be a succumb to temptations Could it be a self proclaimed righteousness Could it be a lack of self regulation Could it be a beyond of one's circumstances ET has been searching for decades Trying to locate the key to the chain he is bounded And what really goes on under the iceberg He thinks he might have found one major piece of the puzzle It is named Post Complex Traumatic Stress Disorder ET 28.08.2021 *ACE: Adverse Childhood Experiences Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted August 30, 2021 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2021 (edited) 2021年 08月 30号 星期一 冷 Mood: 5 When time doesn't heal all wounds | Dr. Robert K. Ross 2 Jun 2014 What trauma taught me about happiness | Lindsey Roy 9 Sept 2017 Good relationships are the key to healing trauma- Karen Treisman 12 Jan 2018 Time Does Not Heal All Wounds | Chantal Kayumba 5 Apr 2019 Surviving Trauma: Without Forgiveness, Can We Still Heal? | Tara Walker Lyons 14 Apr 2020 Edited August 30, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted September 1, 2021 Author Report Share Posted September 1, 2021 (edited) 2021年 09月 01号 星期三 冷 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET thought that he would sleep at 9ish just now but he was engrossed reading up his course materials that he lost track of time. Lately ET tell himself to have at most 5 hours of laptop screen time, with most of his classes conducted online, he is feeling more strain on his eyes nowadays, plus his handphone, TV etc. Gosh! He is going for an eye check soon. For his eye hygiene purposes he will avoid replying to chatgroups and watch lesser TV, will increase the frequencies once his course is over. ET has been catching up with his interest with trauma. In the past, he knew that it was an extension from past abuse episodes but with him having to experienced numerous himself, he thinks and feels that he might be in better position to render support to others. Or perhaps he is wrong, there is always counter-transference issues to take note of. It sets ET to think that therapist need to resolve their own trauma challenges first if not it will bring greater pain to the person in need himself. Though ET has to agree that healing is never linear and is an ongoing journey but he wish that therapist has to either address their challenges or mask their challenges so well that it goes undetectable by the client. ET once asked himself do one's socio-economic status (SES) boost one's career in the helping profession? Because if one is well to do, he will presumably have lesser childhood traumas to begin with. So those who have low SES have to work doubly hard not only intrinsically but extrinsically. Edited September 1, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted September 1, 2021 Author Report Share Posted September 1, 2021 2021年 09月 02号 星期四 冷 Mood: 5 外公外婆阿公阿妈，白云正在想念你们。。。 一荤一素 作词：毛不易 作曲：毛不易 编曲：赵兆、宋涛 日出又日落 深处再深处 一张小方桌 有一荤一素 一个身影从容地忙忙碌碌 一双手让这时光有了温度 太年轻的人 他总是不满足 固执地不愿停下 远行的脚步 望着高高的天 走了长长的路 忘了回头看 她有没有哭 月儿明 风儿轻 可是你在敲打我的窗棂 听到这儿你就别担心 其实我过得还可以 月儿明 风儿轻 你又可曾来过我的梦里 一定是你来时太小心 知道我睡得轻 太年轻的人 他总是不满足 固执地不愿停下 远行的脚步 望着高高的天 走了长长的路 忘了回头看 她有没有哭 月儿明 风儿轻 可是你在敲打我的窗棂 听到这儿你就别担心 其实我过得还可以 月儿明 风儿轻 你又可曾来过我的梦里 一定是你来时太小心 知道我睡得轻 一定是你来时太小心 怕我再想起你 *turn on caption for English subtitles Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted September 5, 2021 Author Report Share Posted September 5, 2021 2021年 09月 05号 星期日 温 Mood: 5 Drop the disorder Perhaps ET life will then be in order ET feels so defeated He hopes he can soon write poems of elation Counting his blessing daily Giving thanks to things that he has Whipped up meals for his loved ones Definitely makes him feels better Drop the disorder That is what ET has read broader At least he knew he is not alone Trying to fit in to the world of mismatches It is like a sanctuary to him A place where he feels that sense of belonging And not a place where he has created fear Inflicted on that somebody ET 05.09.2021 Source: I'm With Her - A Drop the Disorder Film Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted September 6, 2021 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2021 (edited) 2021年 09月 06号 星期一 冷 Mood: 5 Will there be a wholesome healing Or was it a numbing of feeling It can be something to do with Psychology Some may say its Biology, or both Why did ET survive that car accident 21 yrs ago "Your time has yet to arrive", an elder said But why ET is experiencing all these pain Honestly he'd be better off dead Whenever ET feels suicidal There is this little voice that tells him It is not by a mere coincident You had survived back then in that accident Perhaps there is a calling, a purpose Which till now he is unable to phantom He thought he did for that few years But alas he is all in the wrong directions So what is next for ET? He was reminded of what Albert Einstein said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over And expecting different results" He is now journeying towards The seventh seven-years of his life cycle ET better switch to something else Before the creativity of his "dies and perish in hell" ET 06.09.2021 Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 or 1767 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Edited September 6, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted September 8, 2021 Author Report Share Posted September 8, 2021 (edited) 2021年 09月 08号 星期三 热 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET did a check in with his two months old reclassification. He thinks that he is trying to flight again, avoiding that numbness feeling. He devoted his time in reading and listening to content in relation to trauma and the anti psychiatric movements around the region. According to the biological social-cultural psychological and spiritual model of causation and recovery, if one has to distribute it, biological will contribute 25%. ET thinks that medications by itself can only address the symptoms and alas came with many side effects. If the medical ethics stated is to cause no harm, non-maleficence, then why would ET has to struggle and subject himself to periodical blood tests to check for toxicity in his liver and thyroid? Isn't medications supposed to heal rather than cause more harm? It was agreed that even among the Psychiatrists, there is no robust scientific prove that states mental disorders are caused primarily by chemical imbalances in the brain. It has been a hypothesis all these while thus ET cannot help but to think that medications can support him in anyway except the side effects he has experienced thus far. ET recalled one of his ex-Pastors used to say "Its either one is hot or cold towards God.... No sitting on fences, no rooms for lukewarm". Diary, which stance should ET take? Is he going to be an anti, pro or the fencers? Source: The "Chemical Imbalance" Myth (June, 2019) Edited September 8, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted September 9, 2021 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2021 2021年 09月 09号 星期四 热 Mood: 5 约定 作词：姚若龙 作曲：陈小霞 编曲：陈飞午 远处的钟声回荡在雨里 我们在屋簷底下牵手听 幻想教堂里头那场婚礼 是为祝褔我俩而举行 一路从泥泞走到了美景 习惯在彼此眼中找勇气 累到无力总会想吻你 才能忘了情路艰辛 你我约定难过的往事不许提 也答应永远都不让对方担心 要做快乐的自己 照顾自己 就算某天一个人孤寂 你我约定一争吵很快要喊停 也说好没有秘密彼此很透明 我会好好的爱你 傻傻爱你 不去计较公平不公平 一路从泥泞走到了美景 习惯在彼此眼中找勇气 累到无力总会想吻你 才能忘了情路艰辛 你我约定难过的往事不许提 也答应永远都不让对方担心 要做快乐的自己 照顾自己 就算某天一个人孤寂 你我约定一争吵很快要喊停 也说好没有秘密彼此很透明 我会好好的爱你 傻傻爱你 不去计较公平不公平 我会好好的爱你 傻傻爱你 不去计较公平不公平 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted September 10, 2021 Author Report Share Posted September 10, 2021 (edited) 2021年 09月 10号 星期五 热 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, its World Suicide Prevention Day. ET browsed through the social media and was bombarded with information on the myths and fact of suicide. The completed suicides ET encountered were all with extreme low tell-tale signs or showed no signs at all, he would sometimes ponder what was going through in their mind prior of ending. ET himself had the experiences of having those ideations flooding in during his nicotine withdrawals and challenges he faced within this period. He recalled researching on suicide methods and writing parting notes in his personal diary whenever he has that ideations..... it helped him to ventilate and achieve equilibrium, expressing what was really going through his mind. After some revelations and personal encounters, ET feels that he really have to press on, there is also this thought of something more can be explore and be done towards his situation and circumstances. ET thinks that this "standing on the verge of death" experiences gives him that time and space to learn new things and insights about himself, his loved ones and the ecosystem he is in. He seems to have survived this round and he is looking forward for more new experiences that can enhance healing, brings more hope and peace into his life. There were alot mixed feelings ET felt this 2021, its all essentials for him to grow holistically. No more sweeping the dust under the carpet but to confront on his issues head-on. ET have been told since young never to walk in silos Yet he was also told some people are unworthy to follow Its either one stands on the left or right, be hot or cold And if ET choose to sit on the fences, out he goes Culturally, attainment of holistic equilibrium is much of a desire Through the practice of kindness, graciousness, empathy and humility Can't ET be part of collective beings, seeking for peace and harmony? Beyond his labels, circumstances and upbringing? Realistically, it is tougher than what ET feels and thinks As often he fails to see things from another perspective Or has he chosen to do selective listening Only to people he followed and fancied As tiresome as life can be Having to deal with all these shit can be frustrating Anyway ET is not here to preach But to present the truth, his reality ET 10.09.2021 Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 or 1767 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Edited September 11, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted September 13, 2021 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2021 (edited) 2021年 09月 14号 星期二 冷 Mood: 5 If we hold on together Diana Ross OST A Land Before Time (1988) Don't lose your way With each passing day You've come so far Don't throw it away Live believing Dreams are for weaving Wonders are waiting to start Live your story Faith, hope and glory Hold to the truth in your heart Chorus: If we hold on together I know our dreams will never die Dreams see us through to forever Where clouds roll by For you and I Souls in the wind Must learn how to mend Seek out a star Hold on to the end Valley, mountain There is a fountain Washes our tears all away Words are swaying Someone is praying Please let us come home to stay Chorus If we hold on together I know our dreams will never die Dreams see us through to forever Where clouds roll by For you and I Bridge When we are out there in the dark We'll dream about the sun In the dark, we'll feel the light Warm our hearts, everyone If we hold on together I know our dreams will never die Dreams see us through to forever As high as souls can fly The clouds roll by For you and I https://youtu.be/W_BuqSfDym4 Edited September 13, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted September 14, 2021 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2021 @1130hrs Dear Diary, last Sunday, ET elder sister mentioned on True Love once again. She lauded that its very different from the CHOICES movement she introduced to me back then. She continued by saying that there is these four quadrants that was presented that depicted willingness and what not. And apparently she attended one of their presentations. Pissed off and knowing what True Love is up to their sleeves, ET's immediate response to his sister was "Is it so tough to accept me as a gay person?" It was followed by her stunned then disgusted face.... then there was moments of silence. ET reemphasize that the little thing that his loved ones can do is to respect him as a person allowing him to choose how he did like to live his life. HIs sister took the flight stance, left the dining table and and there was no follow up conversations on this topic thereafter. ET tries to empathise why would his sister feels how she feels. It has been 20 years and why she still cannot let go of ET? To think that he has to spend the rest of his life with someone who oppose how he identified himself sexually is really daunting. ET also felt his niece is distancing and nope he is not being overly-sensitive. Diary if one day, ET's niece get to read you, he hopes that their relationship will be better by then. Diary, its been awhile since ET has vivid dreams though there were snippets of it here and there, this morning was the clearest. ET dreamt that he was on his ex-company retreat. There was some communication within him and his ex-snr mgt which he forgot the context. The last scene was when the Executive Director and ET were in the gents "doing their own small and big businesses". ET woke up and this is not the first time he dreamt of his ex-company and colleagues. Honestly, Diary, ET had his best and most productive years while with them and that's when his foundational skills and competencies were laid as well. Its a shame that he has to leave due to his sexual orientation. That is another workplace trauma that ET has experienced. As much as he is unagreeable with the senior management decision but he also acknowledged the importance and necessity to work with like-minded people..... again diversity and inclusivity will have to be "sacrificial lambs" for this instances. Talking about letting go.....the classic example of pot calling the kettle black. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted September 16, 2021 Author Report Share Posted September 16, 2021 (edited) 2021年 09月 16号 星期四 热 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, it was interesting that a few nights ago ET Whatsapped his contact about having a professional and personal personas in relation to the mental health scene in Singapore. Both felt that as much as the current system has alot to improve (as they have suffered harm from it), and it affected their numerous life prospects..... yet on the professional front there is a sense of reluctance and have to always be to toe the line of the mainstream especially if one do not wish to be chastised by fellow professionals. In psychology and counselling, ET subscribes to one of the important attributes of being congruent as a professional. And that was one of the reasons why he decided to step out of his closet 12yrs ago so that he could be truly himself. But what followed thereafter were a chain of events that had shook his beliefs. He sensed that he had retreated and was unhappy because he was ever living under the opinions and scrutinies of others within his ecosystem i.e. family, ex-colleagues, friends and ex-church mates. Thankfully, ET is in the progress of walking out of this discomfort zone. So what will ET dream be? He wishes that there will be a day where everyone can accepts one another for who they truly are and everyone can be true to themselves without facing any condemnations or prejudices. ET can't change of much what his parents think of him...... but to his elder sister and niece..... he hope they will. Too far-fetched and will ET get to see it happen? Don't know. Perhaps Somewhere Out There......another paradise. An American Tail (1986) - Somewhere Out There Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there And even though I know how very far apart we are It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky Somewhere out there, if love can see us through Then we'll be together somewhere out there Out where dreams come true And even though I know how very far apart we are It helps to think we might be wishin' on the same bright star And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky Somewhere out there, if love can see us through Then we'll be together somewhere out there Out where dreams come true PS: Diary, ET loves the MTV at 2.35mins when the mice said "I am looking for my family". It resonates with ET as he feels his family loved ones has been distancing, not physically but emotionally. Yes and he is still looking for them, may he one day reunite with them emotionally. Edited September 18, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted September 19, 2021 Author Report Share Posted September 19, 2021 2021年 09月 19号 星期日 凉 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET is going berserk, prior to this entry, he was reading up his course modules and was helpless when he read so many digital-related jargons that he hopes he has the brain capacity to comprehend. ET seriously has "no cutting" for technology and digital stuff. But ET has reminded himself that he made the choice to sign up for the course in the first place so its either he brave it on or let it go. Of course either has its consequence, moving forward, ET will just need to wise up and discern more. Diary, recalled ET asked himself two weeks ago if he should be a pro, anti or fencer for psychiatrics? He is still searching for an answer for that. But one concrete action he did was to remove any Bipolar Disorder related articles from his social media websites. See no evil. The side effects of his current medication seems to have escalated as well, ET will often have metallic taste on his tongue, loses his libido, more frequent diarrhea, cravings for carbo, fried food items and sugary beverages. Thankfully this time round there are no cravings for soft drinks, ET remembered the last time he was on medications, he drank Sprite and ate Chicken In the Bisket almost everyday. And his greatest nightmare..... weight gain. So what ET is going to do differently this time is to make a conscious effort to: 1. Drink more plain water 2. Increase his exercise intensity and routine 3. Have regular healthy meals 4. Avoid nicotine and alcohol at all cost 5. Reduce screen time 6. Adequate rest and sleep 7. Re-compass his purposes in life These may sound easy but it takes great determination and discipline for ET to do it. Not forgetting he has to take his medication, as much as he did not wish to but he has to do it to ensure his parents will have a peace of mind. Will ET taper his medication? He will but he did like to consult his Psychiatrist first before doing it. Do something different this time round, ET, you can do it! "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over. And expecting different results"- Albert Einstein Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted September 21, 2021 Author Report Share Posted September 21, 2021 (edited) 2021年 09月 21号 星期二 凉 Mood: 5 (Updated at 0030hrs) Dear Diary, World Mental Health Day 10th Oct is coming soon, ET observed that there were series of optimistic reports by the mainstream and social media, talking about persons having mental disorder who has made it in life. The content will often talks about how they overcame, the ecosystems that supports them and the medications they feel leads to their recovery. ET is delighted to know that there is one lady who made it to medical school despite being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder for the past 20ish years. Kudos to her, ET thinks that she is already predisposed with the intelligence, its a matter of time, it blooms. There is another lady who wrote a book that depicted how she overcame her Bipolar Disorder condition. And finally another, a co-founder of the Project Green Ribbon (PGR) who encountered countless traumatic events and mental disorders which led her to forming PGR. Honestly speaking, ET is getting fatigue reading such reports and webinars after webinars. Kudos to the ladies...... they are individuals who have ride through and over the storms. But how will all these information translate into meaningful actions that will support the people at the community level? As far as ET knows there are people out there who are still fending for their basic needs and unable to pay for their hospital medical bills, they have to rely heavily on the Government hospital grants and subsidies to get by. There is another person who ET knew experienced medical trauma. These are folks who may or may not get to read those inspiring stories and even if they read it, how will it resonates? Some may say they do not have that intelligent or their SES is low, cannot afford to do what the people featured did. There is also another group of people who will be so heavily medicated that they are unable to maintain their focus and concentration to read these articles. So who are the intended readers? The caregivers? Will it raise unrealistic expectations towards the person with mental disorder? People who hesitated to seek for medical treatment support? The side effects of medications, stigmatization and discriminations...... people would rather YOLO.... drink, gamble and smoke their issues away..... what is mental disorder to them? Like one of ET's contacts once said "I would rather smoke and meet more smokers friend rather than be medicated and so delirious." Another episode of "The Within 3km Radius of the Ivory Towers?" ET feels that there is a possibility of a further divide among members within the community. He hopes his gut feel is incorrect. it's Mid Autumn Festival today. ET and his family never fancy Mooncakes but prefer pomelo instead. It's been awhile since ET write poems in Chinese, most likely it's the effect of the medication again...... quite evident that it has blocked part of ET's creativity. He will try to write something by this week. Hope he will regain that confidence. ET has been listening and reading on Trauma and Healing plus the "Anti Psychiatry" movement contents for the past few weeks. He find them very insightful and almost an antidote to his "MDD". Video like this resonated with ET. He felt so much at peace after listening to it. Good night Dairy. Edited September 21, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted October 4, 2021 Author Report Share Posted October 4, 2021 (edited) 2021年 10月 04号 星期一 Mood: 5 Dear Dairy, ET was busy for the past two weeks because he has to catch up with his online readings, hibernations, getting inspirations to write Chinese poems and not forgetting Squid Game. ET feels that it is beneficial for him to be off screen for awhile so that he could invest more time on other stuff as well. ET's medication side effects persisted over the week and he gave a call to his Psychiatrist. It was agreed that he will be on this medication regime. 1) same dosage of medication but on alternate days 2) if still continues he will have to half his dosage on alternate days 3) If condition still persists, he has to stop his medication. His Psychiatrist also advised him to drink more water and watch his diet, if it takes a turn for the worse, he may have to visit his GP to seek medical attention. ET wondered if his Psychiatrist was testing him as it was mentioned that his next medical appointment was on the 3rd week of Oct which is untrue (it was in Dec). Guessed his Psychiatrist was too busy and might have read the appointment month incorrectly. Thankfully ET called and verified, Dec it shall be. Diary, honestly ET was very tempted these few days when his usual drinking kakis asked him out for a drink the other night. He declined because he knew he is still unsteady. It doesn't help when he could smell his neighbours' second hand smoke periodically as well. He wished for better ventilation in his room but it seems like the windy season for night time at his room has passed. ET also managed to catch up with K and H now and then. Both of them never failed to inspire ET. Diary, remember ET told you its getting tougher for him to write poems in Chinese? Hopefully it will get better after weaning the medications. Honestly, the metallic and cravings for carb and sugar are still there. Sigh. Human Nature Simple versus complex A test of my mind reflexes? Is it a good time to relax? Well.... I don't give a damn hack Life has its maneuvers and deflects Hence its good to always reflect So that one will feel less perplex With more positive energies to flex We are told to subtract If not retract from the excess Made one soul extract But why make life so abstract? Continue with the pretense Yesterday was the past tenses Today is to make amend For our future repent ET 27.09.2021 Inspired by K and H Edited October 4, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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