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The Cloud Diary- 白云日记☁


amuse.ed

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

YYYY/MM/DD..... Cloudy.......  Feeling: Sad / Counting down: N days

Diary, I seriously do not know if this is ethical.... its so indescribable that I am reluctant to date this entry for this particular writing. How can this be anything worse that has happen after the World War? Mankind has finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel and why am I digging and entrenching more into the darkness?

 

Honestly, there are alot of uncertainties and I am not at peace with what is happening now especially after the so called Town Hall meeting. Again what Town Hall? Even the name sounded so strange and alien to me. The entire situation is definitely not in favour and I was surprised that they suggested it.

 

Ok I am going to rest and not think about it. Thankfully Khim asked me out to try the new seafood restaurant along the East Coast. Its been awhile since there was such a gathering. Wish me luck Diary and give me the space to mull over before I being writing again. 

 

This entire project is definitely going to be a challenge. Its either many lives will perished or saved. Yes Diary, you heard it right.... its either or. No middle ground on that.

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2022年 10月 16日 星期日 冷

 

Another upbeat song to commence the third week for Oct 2022. 

 

See Love - Hoang Thuy Linh

 

Wow wow
Uầy uầy uây uây

 

Why did my head spin when we first met?
Sao mới gặp lần đầu mà đầu mình quay quay?

 

Oh my you
Anh ơi anh à

 

What spell did you cast to make me fall in love with you?
Anh bỏ bùa gì mà lại làm em yêu vậy?

 

Bae bae bae bae
Bae bae bae bae

I said from the beginning baby can you stay


Em nói từ đầu baby can you stay

Going to see the date tomorrow
 

Mai đi coi ngày

When is the wedding day when my house is so full of children?


Xem cưới ngày nào thì nhà mình đông con vậy?
If a sentence can make you happy


Nếu như một câu nói có thể khiến anh vui

Will always talk non-stop to make you smile


Sẽ suốt ngày luôn nói không ngừng để anh cười

If I do that, will I look hot?


Nếu em làm như thế trông em có hâm không?

(Crazy-crazy)

(Điên-điên-điên lắm)

 

Take it to the hospital right away

Đem ngay vô nhà thương

 

Take it to the hospital right away
Đem ngay vô nhà thương

 

Bring it right to your house to love!
Đem ngay vô nhà anh để thương!

 

The moment I met you, I knew I was in love
Giây phút em gặp anh là em biết em see tình

 

Love mourning mourning
Tình tình tình tang tang tính

 

Tang love love tang tang tang
Tang tình tình tình tang tang tang

 

The moment I met you, I knew I was in love
Giây phút em gặp anh là em biết em see tình

 

Love is not calculated
Tình đừng tình toan toan tính

 

Spreading my love, falling in love
Toang tình mình tình tan tan tan tình

 

Yah, yah
Yah, yah

 

What do you think, what do you think now?
Anh tính sao, giờ đây anh tính sao?

 

Yah, yah
Yah, yah

 

What do you think, what do you think now?
Anh tính sao, giờ đây anh tính sao?

 

Wherever you go, come wherever you go
Tới đâu thì tới, tới đâu thì tới

 

I don't even know where
Em cũng chẳng biết tới đâu

 

If it's hard to love, it's hard not to love
Nếu yêu là khó, không yêu cũng khó

 

I don't know how either
Em cũng chẳng biết thế nào

 

Today ultraviolet rays penetrate the night sky
Hôm nay tia cực tím xuyên qua trời đêm

 

(But) you are like a rare ray that pierces right through my heart
(Nhưng) anh như tia cực hiếm xuyên ngay vào tim

 

That's it, I'm dead
Ấy ấy ấy chết em rồi

 

He's really dead
Ấy ấy chết thật thôi

 

If a sentence can make you happy
Nếu như một câu nói có thể khiến anh vui

 

Saying one more sentence sometimes makes me sad
Nói thêm một câu nữa có khi khiến anh buồn

 

If I do that, will I look hot?
Nếu em làm như thế trông em có hâm không?

 

(Crazy-crazy-crazy)
(Điên-điên-điên lắm)

 

Take it to the hospital right away
Đem ngay vô nhà thương

 

Take it to the hospital right away
Đem ngay vô nhà thương

 

Bring it right to your house to love!
Đem ngay vô nhà anh để thương!

 

The moment I met you, I knew I was in love
Giây phút em gặp anh là em biết em see tình

 

Love mourning mourning
Tình tình tình tang tang tính

 

Tang love love tang tang tang
Tang tình tình tình tang tang tang

 

The moment I met you, I knew I was in love
Giây phút em gặp anh là em biết em see tình

 

Love is not calculated
Tình đừng tình toan toan tính

 

Spreading my love, falling in love
Toang tình mình tình tan tan tan tình

 

Yah, yah
Yah, yah

 

What do you think, what do you think now?
Anh tính sao, giờ đây anh tính sao?

 

Yah, yah
Yah, yah

 

What do you think, what do you think now?
Anh tính sao, giờ đây anh tính sao?

 

Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Dtap

Translation: Google 

 

Original version

 

Remix version 

 

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2022年 10月 21日 星期五 冷

 

我俩带走了彼此的欢笑

也带走了彼此的苦恼

拖着彼此沉重的行囊

也应该是时候缓一缓

 

或许我俩都心智发愧

深怕那情感所带来的煎熬

是否能想想 曾经难以释怀 

让人刻苦铭心的伤

 

也许还来得及

让那含有毒素的关系

随着岁月荏苒 烟消云散

我俩可否做得到

 

花开花落 何时了

我俩就别再欺骗对方

好聚好散 是最好的解药

你过你的独木桥

我走我的阳关道

 

给彼此留个颜面

看起来也许会更加体面

就让时间与空间 沖淡一切

让我俩从此 永远互不相欠

 

柚子

舔着那200Y年的伤痛

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

就是不写日期天气情绪,你又能拿我怎样?😂

 

气得我快爆

 

世俗逼着我成长

被拉扯的心态

永不言败 说成精神虐待

这世上难道就没有那

一丝丝怜悯又奢侈廉价的情怀

 

真可笑 泪往心坎里掉

不知要不要给予那负面能量

还是就坚强与韧性的我

让世俗在我面前轻描淡写地

把这一秒归还给过往

 

负面情绪与能量

是人类愚不可及的盔甲

把心智调理好 才算是上了道

真可笑 因为知道很多世人都‘’道不了‘’

因为‘’太盲着‘’追逐那躺平摆烂的闪耀

 

算了吧 就再让我打个旽 睡个懒觉

醒来后又是恶性循环在咆哮

我就在盹里转 转到天昏地暗 天荒地老

你就别管我 把你自己整顿整顿好

继续戴着那那盔甲 蒙上双眼

唱着你那高昂洪亮的所谓的‘’上正道‘’

 

反白眼 😭

 

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

28102022 fri lie flat

 

dd, bumped into him once again at u-cafe just now. could it be what the mum always say about fate or divine arrangement? Yes he is my type. first met him during orientation games.... i could only watched him from afar where he lied on top of the other girl to pick up the marsh mellow from her mouth.... stupid game master.... why can't it be a guy to guy thing.... still play those kind of old fashioned couple games.... aren't they fear of being complain again? Guess seniors really ran out of creative ideas or was it old habits die hard.

 

back to that guy, he may not have a fit bod as other guys but DD you know what they have always said about "the feel"..... its so unexplainable..... hope i can have an opportunity to speak to him arggghhhhh..... fby u have to stop thinking of him.... anyway super stressed now.... its less than a month time before exams start. mum brewed some tonic soup and brought it to the hostel, so embarrassing, classmates teased that i am a mummy boy.... and i am proud of it. really hope that mum will take care of herself. she hasn't been well ever since after contracting the virus, yes dd as what this green little island always said super xianz. wonder how was dad back in the hometown? hope things are fine for him and his family. 

 

its been three months and glad that i am settling in well at the hostel.... back to my study notes, thankfully there is no lecture later so can lie flat some more. yawn yawn.

 

反白眼 fby

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

2022年 10月 29号 晴

 

I am back. Its been 2ish years that I last texted you Diary... How's life? Decided to restart online journaling again after writing it physically.

 

Dad is still missing in action, aren't you not surprised Dairy?  I am already 22.... are you still scared of bearing the responsibility as a father, Dad? Honestly if I were you, I will be fearful too. Anyway, hope you will return one day and reunite with me Ah Gong, Ah Ma and Auntie Bee.

 

Mum wish you well in heaven. Its been awhile since i say hi to you as i was super busy with my NS stints that require greater attention than ever before. Will tell you more the next time I journal. 

 

And for that guy I bumped into at u-cafe, I know you were peeping me. Maybe I should just say hi the next time I bump into you again??

 

As I was listening to this song..... hope for your homecoming soon, Dad. 

 

EM 

 

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2022年 11月 03日 星期四  冷

 

Dear Dairy, watched this local documentary and cannot be more than concern over the fact that how Jerald Low, 27yo can go through such an extend to scam people and the reasons for these victims to fall into the hands of the scammer. The seeds were sowed and this person has reaped what he has sowed. What disturbs ET was as Low narrated his childhood and ended off with "....and coming to Prison is not worth it" (44:30) that tone of voice..... ET cannot pinpoint which emotion was behind these words but there were alot of unresolved traumas Low needs to work on by himself through the professionals, perhaps.

 

Hopefully, he will overcome these challenges prior to his release.  

 

https://www.todayonline.com/singapore/scam-forged-trillion-dollar-cheque-1848436 

 

 

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2022年 11月 05日 星期六 雨 冷

 

Dear Cloud, can someone said he is overwhelm but yet still feels fine.... paradoxical isn't it? ET finally settled down emotionally... after a day of "unknown busyness".

 

You know Cloud those mindless shit dunno what one is doing kind of busyness? Lol. And yes thinking of him again, ET is fine Cloud... he is chill. 

 

**switch on CC for English subtitles. 

 

虎二

你一定要幸福

原唱:何洁
作词:唐恬
作曲:吴梦奇
编曲:吴欢

 

沿着路灯一个人走回家
和老朋友打电话
你那里天气好吗
有什么新闻可以当作笑话

回忆与我都不爱说话
偶尔我会想起他
心里有一些牵挂
有些爱却不得不各安天涯

 

在夜深人静的时候想起他
送的那些花
还说过一些撕心裂肺的情话
赌一把幸福的筹码


在人来人往的街头 想起他
他现在好吗
可我没有能给你想要的回答
可是你一定要幸福啊

回忆与我都不爱说话
偶尔我会想起他
心里有一些牵挂

有些爱却不得不各安天涯

在夜深人静的时候想起他
送的那些花
还说过一些撕心裂肺的情话
赌一把幸福的筹码
在人来人往的街头想起他
他现在好吗
可我没有能给你想要的回答
可是你一定要幸福啊

 

在夜深人静的时候想起他
送的那些花
还说过一些撕心裂肺的情话
赌一把幸福的筹码
在人来人往的街头想起他
他现在好吗
可我没有能给你想要的回答
可是你一定要幸福啊

幸福啊
 

 

 

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@1830hrs

 

无趣の爱

 

万千百年所轮回的爱

就在这一世有所期待

但或许来得太快

让很多世俗s 你我都看不明白

 

什么是亲情之爱

怎么到过去与现代

还在说 不孝有三 无后为大

莫名盲目地在俗世徘徊

难道你我还看不明白

 

什么是恋爱的情怀

丘比特那罗马的小爱神

手拿弓箭背部长一对翅膀

使劲那调皮小男孩

 

他那的铅箭射入 真的会产生情愫

他那漫无目的乱射

真的会让人心产生憎恶 厌恶

又爱又恨的丘比特

他的赴汤蹈火 守护之神之名

怎么到了今日却显得多余做作

格外冷漠 无趣的动作

 

难道是现实拉扯的动态

让你我都无法活得精彩

没人知晓未来的招唤

无条件的爱是愚人的一种表态

 

别把人生看得太认真

与其失回负地

不如就让那失去已久的情怀

活在当下 尽情享受那

取于那大自然规律的精彩

 

柚子

05.11.2022

Edited by amuse.ed
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2022年 11月 07日 星期一 热

 

Dear Cloud, ET hasn't been "writing decently" for quite awhile primarily because he wish to have lesser screen times and also things that has happened for the past three months that cause a disharmony within his body, mind and soul.  He also thinks that his affinity with repetitive numbers are over as he was seeing lesser of it. Thankfully ET need not see the repetitive numbers to keep him alive, perhaps that the Universe has shown him enough of it and off he is advancing towards his next phase in life. Cloud, after putting much time and understanding in understanding Astrology and I-ching, ET finally have few closures personally and professionally.

 

ET was very much affirmed by the last YouTube he watched that depicted the life of Venerable Hong Yi (23 October 1880 – 13 October 1942). One of his poems  "Farewell" 送别  was adapted into the melody of "Dreaming of Home and Mother" (1868) composed by John Pond Ordway (August 1, 1824 – April 27, 1880) which was a very popular sentimental song of the Civil War era.  -- Credit: Wiki

 

The video ET watched was the following, there is no English subtitles but in the nutshell, it depicted the life of Venerable Hong Yi and the highlight was the final words he left that summed up his entire 62 years "悲喜交集“ A Mixed of sorrows and joys. The video also said that his final words was written akin a 6yo child despite the fact that he was an excellent Calligrapher. That could possibly coincided with what Nietzsche stated on three phases of life A Camel, A Lion and A Child.

 

Yes, ET is at peace with this. And hope that Cloud sings in unison with ET as well. 

 

 

 

 

 

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2022年 11月 11日 星期五 冷

 

Three years ago... ET penned The Cloud Diary for the purposes of "lamenting" and worse "ranting" on how worst his life can be, living in this pressured cooker state as a gay with a clinically diagnosed mental health challenges. Most importantly for ET's niece (once she hits 18yo) to read the content and gained more perspective on how her gay uncle navigates amidst all these challenges he faced professionally and on a personal front. 

 

Few incidences happened within these three years which ET felt is worth mentioning: 

 

1. went abroad for a possible work stint but came home just in time to be locked down or CB-ed in Singapore with his beloved parents. 

 

2. all temptations were eradicated in that few months of CB

 

3. spiral into having thoughts of suicide after cold turkey from nicotine. 

 

4. restart psychotropic medication, sought a new Psychiatrist intervention

 

5. reclassified ET mental health challenges from bipolar disorder to Major Depressive Disorder

 

6. wean off psychotropic medication, found himself still unable to get adjusted to his new label

 

7.  More understanding on the concepts of I-ching and Astrology 

 

8. Improvement on ET mental health challenges 

 

9. Authentic closures on many past issues ET had overcame

 

The Universe has been very kind to ET. Through it all, he was led to individuals and groups who spoke to him in greater maltitudes on how ET can carries on his life with more dignity, wisdom and discernment instead of just "lamenting and ranting" over how "tragic" his life was. ET body, mind and soul are on this constant calibrations and realignments. Most people may viewed it as racing thoughts, flickered minded or even heartless but ET sees himself appreciating the situations he was in.  And even if ET was condemned for his political views or how he led his life, he continued to be abide with this principle of "don't really care how other think about him anymore" because he knows all along that his conscience are crystal clear and moral compass on this constant realignment to direct him as a wiser and more discerning being. An a being to pursue peace in his own time, space and timing.  

 

Moving on, ET wish to continue to be 

 

1. detach from all wordly pursuits 贪嗔痴

 

2. accept the realities of this world

 

3. empathise those people who may not share the same vision as ET. Live and let live.

 

4. Stay amaze by how metaphysics support ET and transforms his life gradually as he advances in years 

 

5. thankful on people he encounters be it the wise, wiser or the wisest. 

 

ET wishes Cloud that you will continue to stay carefree and float up on that  clear blue sky... be a blessing to people who need shades from the sun, rain when there's drought and launching pads for countless rainbows that bring comfort to lots of children and adults with an inner child in them.

 

Cheers to many 11.11 to come. 

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2022年 11月 17日 星期四 雨 冷

 

Dear Cloud, yes its that time of the year again, 22 years ago this date. ET has a near death experience and was re-born into this world. He survived a car accident and managed to escape only with minor physical injuries but was diagnosed with mental health conditions instead. ET still has this fear of driving although he hold a driving license. 17.11 is significant, because this will constantly remind him how blessed he is to have survived and overcame many ordeals in his life  after the accident.

 

A lot of movies and drama series depicted how a person gain supernatural powers after a mishap or accident and often  ET wonders if he has that kind of super natural power or has that the psychotropic drugs he used to take somehow numb those abilities and kept in dormant? Anyway, ET did like to think that he has this resilience- a never say die, never give up spirit, the ability to bounce back and dare to challenge kind of attitude. He is definitely someone who no longer goes with the flow and often query if what the mainstream has shared is the wisest on earth.

 

Cloud, please continue to watch over ET on your end and humble him as he continues to navigate this harsh and cruel world with more applied wisdom and discernment. With that ET is at peace. 

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

17112022 thurs lie flat

 

XXX

你真的走了 说走就走
留下我 自作自受
也许曾经夸下海口
已全军覆没

 

无法理解你的痛 
因为你从来没在
我生命中留半寸温柔
你那所谓的爱

是永远无法符于的承诺


一直在敷衍着我
我到底做错了些什么

时间与空间

可否有个地平线

拉扯着你所说的谎言
听起来又显得做作 

 

你离开已第Nth年

即便是我生日

你也选择消失
算了 就当我年年不顺
碰上你这前世的不知什么人士

Edited by amuse.ed
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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

Sunday, 20th November 1994, Cloudy, Angry and Lonely

 

三姐, how have you been up in the heaven? Finally exams over, managed to find a cashier job at Togo Supermarket, one of the largest Japan retails now open its branches in this little green dot.  Wen, my classmate asked me to go church camp but.... honestly..... I am angry.... God did not save you nor kept our family intact and happy, isn't it? Any reasons for me to pursue him in anyway? Pa is forever not home and Ma keeps herself busy at sewing, trying to catch up with the consignments for her customers. Dajie and Erjie both are busy, I am lonely but know it is something that I need to experience. If you are alive, I believe we will go Maria Sq and Centralpoint for shopping, nature walks and boys gazing. Missing those days, really.

 

This is another song that both of us loved,  A cheerful song to curb the loneliness of mine. 


苏慧伦

追得过一切 (1990)

作词:陈家丽
作曲:杨明煌

 

在祈祷的每一个夜
只有我能听得见音乐
你知道 我喜欢
创造一点点新的感觉

 

在拥挤的每一条街
只有我能自由地穿越
你知道 我喜欢
不受牵绊的感觉

 

追得过一切 追得过一切
像风一样狂野
我要跑在最前面
可以看见不同的天

 

追得过一切 追得过一切
我的爱因为你
再也没有终止线

 

追得过一切 追得过一切
就算你不了解
在我心里的火焰
燃烧整个梦想世界

 

追得过一切 追得过一切
我的爱拥有你
无法计算的空间

 

Your lovely 小妹 youngest sis

Hoon

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

02122022 fri lie flatter

 

真希望昨午没看到你,another sleepless night........ 原来我还能感觉到羡慕,嫉妒,恨,笑死我了!

 

反白眼 fby 

 

*** 曾经让我哭惨的一首歌。操!

 

林俊杰

 

西界

作词:林秋离
作曲:林俊杰

 

阳光越过窗沿 我在阴影里面
才过正午十三点 就漆黑一片
没有人看的见 我心深处的阴暗面

 

只能眺望东边 你的世界太远
撑到想像的极限 幸福有多甜
可黑夜已吞噬我 就是拉不到你的手

 

因为我活在西边 只拥有半个白天

一到午后夜色就蔓延 虽然和你面对面 

却看不到我的脸 感觉到你不安的视线

 

在西界的那一边 只能有半个白天
暗自祈祷上天的垂怜 在长夜的边缘 

给我一丝光线 让你能多看我一眼

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

YYYY/MM/DD..... Hot.......  Feeling: XXXX / Counting down: Nth days

 

Diary, a few more days to the launch, everything seems to be well in order. Knowledge and resources are pumping in as well. I think I better not write to much here just in case the diary was picked up by anyone. What I have been doing is to write in paper and burn it off thereafter. I once heard a person said " Silence is golden" "A silent dog will bite one to death". So its being silence about issues better? I also often heard that its let nature takes its course and just follow the affinity or fate. Perhaps I shall leave it as it is. Not going to be too outspoken about it. Move on with the knowledge that karma will soon befall??

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2022年 12月 12日 星期一  冷

 

Dear Cloud, its been while since ET had his vivid dream, it was last Monday, the scene was a dramatic separation moment where he was blown away in a tornado. His parents, elder sister and niece trying to pull him back from it but in vain. ET witnessed from the tightly held hand then the unwanted separation. Is it an interpretation of something that is going to happen in the upcoming years or a reminder for ET to be closer to his loved ones? Lo and behold, it was proven at the later in the week that its time for ET to have a more inter-dependent relationship that is healthier for all parties involved. Meaning to state his baselines and draw boundaries with his loved ones using a gentler tone and seek for their understanding. Diary, please give me more wisdom on how to do it.  

 

A clear narration on the concept of inter-dependency.

 

Also Cloud, as a Cancerian, ET is supposed to be homely but as a Horse Chinese zodiac , he holds freedom close to his heart and loves "galloping around" without being tied down. The world has casted ET in two extremes and he is trying to find a middle-ground to it. One thing ET realised over the years, no matter what happens, his destiny still lies in his own hands, regardless how his life is being "cast in stone" or predicted by birth charts and bazi these are tools, resources and wisdom passed down by our ancestors before the beginning of science. As what Google stated "While science aims at making precise predictions about the physical world, metaphysics is taken to study questions of broader significance and generality".

 

The world is heading towards a post pandemic era, from this episode, it has once proven to ET something, nothing is absolute or binary. He is reminded to always stay fluid and flexible without compromising another person's life and death. He is always seeking for peace, wisdom and discernment as he navigates in this unpredictable yet predictable world. The upcoming years will not be as rosy but with his wisdom on the concept internal locus of control, he believes he can overcome challenges and bring positivity to his life knowing that there are more challenges ahead, for him to learn and apply. 🙂 

 

With that, ET is at peace. Have a fabulous week, Cloud. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

2022年 12月 23日 星期五 冷 

 

白云。。。要怎么说?柚子再重温这首歌时,感触良多,就暂且尽在不言中吧。感恩 Z 的提醒,提醒柚子还有这首意义非凡的歌。

 

如果明天就是下一生

If Tomorrow Were To Be Your Next Life

作词:张卉湄
作曲:石青如

 

岁月在你我呼吸间流浪

The years are wandering between our breathing
当终点抵达那些想望休息了吗

Will those yearnings need to rest when reaching the destination

 

身心在日出日落间耗转
当无常宣判你的心回家了吗

Between sunrises and sunsets ,your bodies and souls are consuming
when the impermanence is pronounced,is your heart going to be returned home?

 

周遭一幕幕演出不存在的陌生

Around you, for varous scene acts on, nothing is unfamiliar in the scene,
寻寻觅觅哦断线珍珠怎么接

We keep searching and searching, oh, how to bond the broken pearl
失落的音符怎么唱

and how to sing that last note

 

如果明天就是下一生你将如何度过今天

If tomorrow were to be your next life,
how would you spend today

如果明天就是下一生你将如何度过今天

If tomorrow were to be your next life,
how would you spend today

 

我用温暖守护生命让浪花留了痕

I protected life with warmth,
and left a mark on the waves.
我用觉照守护健康 让转轮点了光

I protected health with inspiration,
and brought light to next generation 

 

Translation: Internet

 

 

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

2022年 12月 27号 晴

 

Diary... its been awhile... life as a student after NS really sucks... trying to restart that study momentum again. We manage to bump into each other several times at the Uni library and U-cafe. He is a little introvert... always on his phone..... typical 低头组。

 

Anyway the following poem was inspired after I experienced and witnessed several conversations that spiral into meaningless ones.... perhaps more applied wisdom is much needed to have a fruitful one? Don't you think.... Dad?

 

Toxicology 

 

All the person asked is for some peace

Some call it personal space or esteem

Unbearable conversations

to a state of nullification 

A little unwelcoming and insensitive 

 

To the point of being interrogative

Making conversations no longer healthy 

With no meaning attached to it

Eliciting answers via interrogation is...

 

Definitely least out of care and concerns

Merely to satisfy one's curiosities 

Sounded too offensive for any likings 

Treating the other person like criminals 

 

No one needs to suffer this toxicology 

Be assertive! 

Say no to such superficialities

A line has to be drawn

To regain some harmonic homeostasis 

 

EM

27.12.2022

Edited by amuse.ed
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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

Content warning: This content mentioned suicide. Please read at your own discretion. 

 

30 Dec 2011 , Friday, Weather 29 Celsius, Sunny

 

Dear Diary, he was talking about intuition and how to sharpen our intuitive nature. I am wondering five Ws and one H of it. The tasks itself I am handling now are getting more challenging. Threading on mine fields, trying to be the mediator of the brawls..... I am stress yet I know its eustress, something that will move me forward. Thankfully there is Mum and Bee to render support for Eng Ming, Vincent and I are in touch as well. Keeping up oneself physically is easier but mentally.... seriously there are no words to describe how I feel. Sometimes, I feel its always about what I focus on and feed myself with. If its always negative, naturally I would yield myself towards that energies. Perhaps that's the reason why there are people who have the tendencies to fall into depression and mental health challenges. 

 

Hoon, how have you been and where are you? According to Buddhism, the place is named Nirvana, for the Christians is the Heaven without tears. I do not have dreams of you, wonder if Eng Ming dreamt of you.... he may have it but did not express it to Mum and Bee. Anyway I am supposed to let you go, have I or have I not? Trying to reconcile with the fact that you are no longer around. Parents-in-laws still refuses to meet me, but good that there are still meeting Eng Ming regularly. I suspected that they may have found out the truth and yes as guilty as charged, I admitted its a irreversible issue. Maybe that is the reasons why I am in my current tasks now. 

 

Back to the intuition, Hoon I believe you did have the sixth sense back then.... if not you will not be driven to the point of ending of your life, isn't it? 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2022年 12 31号 星期六 凉

 

Dear Cloud, ET had the most vivid dream of 2022 this morning. A dream on his ex workplaces... one scene after another.... he shuttled from his first then to his last employment. Throughout the dream... he met his ex-colleagues, had conversations, made some important decisions.... he woke up from the dream.... feeling unease and uncomfortable. It was a timely dream for ET as it was also at a juncture when ET is asking himself should he return to the sector.... looks like the dream speaks for itself. As ET is typing this before turning in for some quality rest, he spent some good quality time with his parents over dinner and had a heartwarming chat. As ET enters 2023, he is reminded to continue to stay humble, healthier and hopeful as he continues this life journey on focusing on who he really is.... he.... himself... Me 我。

 

Good night Cloud, have a blissful and prosperous 2023. 

 

 

作词:林夕
作曲:张国荣


I am what I am
我永远都爱这样的我
I’ll always love the way I am
快乐是 快乐的方式不只一种
Happiness is…there’s more than one way to be happy
最荣幸是 谁都是造物者的光荣
The biggest blessing is: Everyone is an honor for the Creator
不用闪躲 为我喜欢的生活而活
Needless to hide, I live for the life that I like
不用粉墨 就站在光明的角落
Needless to disguise, I’ll just stand at a corner in the light

我就是我 是颜色不一样的烟火
I am what I am; I am fireworks of a different color
天空海阔 要做最坚强的泡沫
The sky is wide open, the ocean is so broad, and I’ll be the strongest bubble
我喜欢我 让蔷薇开出一种结果
I like what I am. May the rose blossom out into what it wants
孤独的沙漠里 一样盛放的赤裸裸
blossom with no reservation even in a lonely dessert

 

多么高兴 在琉璃屋中快乐生活
How happy I am, enjoying a life in a glass house
对世界说 甚么是光明和磊落
and telling the world, what is to be bright and honest, fair and square

我就是我 是颜色不一样的烟火
I am what I am; I am fireworks of a different color
天空海阔 要做最坚强的泡沫
The sky is wide open, the ocean is so broad, and I’ll be the strongest bubble
我喜欢我 让蔷薇开出一种结果
I like what I am. May the rose blossom out into what it wants
孤独的沙漠里 一样盛放的赤裸裸
blossom with no reservation even in a lonely dessert

 

Translation credit: https://inmymelody.wordpress.com/

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2023年 01 01号 星期日 凉

 

Dear Cloud, ET was asked on his New Year resolutions for 2023 last night whilst having a short Whataspp chat with JN. ET replied that he has looked beyond New Year resolutions and no longer focus on it nowadays. Perhaps that is the true spirit of living in the here and now. But to be honest, as ET walks out of the pandemic, he did feel the urgency of being more to his authentic self so as to live a more meaningful and purposeful life. Can these two co-exist or it has to be linear? ET believes it is highly possible to have it on a spectrum... (again). Lol.  

 

2022 was a year where there were so much information bombarded towards ET, he attempted to condense, filter and has distilled most of them to a point where he feels more at peace and (un)comfortable with those concepts. Interestingly, he is also surrounded by people with different worldviews and POVs, providing him the lived experience wisdoms. Cloud, ET guess perhaps that makes his life more exciting and fruitful. He is super blessed indeed. ET is reminded to continue to stay true within himself but when situation arises, people may see the multi-facets of ET (again its about appreciation of the situation).

 

ET is also glad that he slept soundly this morning without any vivid  dreams that is lingering in his mind right now. 2023 is a brand new year, within the Air era and the year of Water Rabbit, the world is changing is super fast speed.... for better or worse? ET believes he will be able to experience the impact in many months to come, nonetheless, may all be well and more people out that is experiencing this constant peace.... that authentic peace. 

 

Ok Cloud, time to prep for the LNY 2023 and be busy again. 🙂  

Edited by amuse.ed
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2023年 01 03号 星期二 热 32 degrees

 

Dear Cloud, its just the beginning of Gregorian calendar and ET is being challenged on both professional and personal front. He was reminded on the three essential questions Zeng Shi Qiang has advocated.

 

1. Why do one exist in this era and this life? (missions)

2. How do one complete these missions? (methods)

3. How do one improvise these methods so as to keep up with time? (changes)

 

ET is also reminded that there are no short cuts and things happens gradually (letting nature takes its course) so he can sustains and achieves greater depth in certain situations/issues/tasks (SIT). He is doing his best and wishes that the people who have direct or in direct contacts/relationships, regardless personal and professional front, will appreciate and respect as he makes certain decisions. He is keeping his fingers crossed and with that, he is at peace.  Ok time to get busy again, Cloud. 

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

08012023 sun lie flatter

 

YYY

身心灵 最遥远的距离
世俗中的现实与残酷
断不了 扯不段 挥不去
无时无刻地烙印在脑海里

 

曾以为埋头努力
能修复过往的痛楚
世俗中的歇斯底里 
拉出那非现实的憧憬

 

想装着若无其事 
随着时间的流逝
身已退化 心已空泛 灵已倦怠

世人说是命宿的恶性循环

 

也许笑口常开是一种解药
或许庸人自扰是一种变态
沉默不语莫非是一种矜持
持盈保泰才算是一种智慧

 

手里紧抓着一把净土
却行着那贪嗔痴的卑微
什么才算是上了道 有所作为
这道理。。。模糊不清 无人能敌

 

反白眼 fby

08.01.2023

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

15012023 sun lie flattest

 

ZZZ

不想再欺骗自己 

偶尔还会想起你

毕竟你在我的生命

留下那永不磨灭的烙印

 

患得患失已不是左右铭

连梦境也成了个奢侈品

走在同样的街道上

带着不同样的心情 缅怀过去

 

那端的你 过得还好吗

也许前世几个轮回

欠的债已偿还

下次如果再见到面 好聚好散

 

断舍离 谈何容易

贪嗔痴 那人生的长寿剧

演得忘我 演得尽情

演得废寝忘食 有何意义

 

就让我继续躺平

挣脱枷锁的自由

就让我朝净土的方向 跨步迈进

走入那没有烦忧的领域

 

反白眼 fby

15.01.2023

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

2023年 01月 17号 晴

 

Dear Diary, is there really a soulmate or "sold-mate" just a mate for betrayal. Mum are you Dad's soul-mate or otherwise? I think I may have found one but is unsure, it was liking at first sight, an unexplained wanting to know this person better. I often bumped into him at either the library or U-cafe. We brushed shoulders or sat afar from each other, there were times where we back-faced each other but often we were facing each other. He is also on the headphone, was he trying to filter the noises surrounding him? I am not good in my descriptive words, tough to describe his physical attributes.... but I like that aura he exuded, he has long fingers, wonder if he plays any musical instruments.... will there be a day when we talk? He seems to have a liking for hot beverages, bringing a hot thermal flask whenever he goes, a good item to reserve the ever crowded library and cafe. Strangely I have never once saw him drinking cold beverages, anyway.... Mum how you and Dad first met? Dad has never shared with me not even Ah Gong and Ah Ma.... least Auntie Bee. Lunar New Year Eve is coming soon in five days time. Missing you, Mum, when will we ever reunite for our reunion dinner?  

 

EM  

 

 

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

20012023 fri lie flattest

 

一份难题 aka Infinity 

 

繁琐的华人习俗 
多得数也数不清楚
自古到今

怎么就没日新月异

追远那崇高的美德
曾几何时已化身为
现代人的一种束缚

 

初一十五清明扫墓 
祖宗祭日s 农历七月十五
庆中秋 冬至与端午
分散在不同的节气

Z世代的我 怎么说到这儿
就显得那么老土

 

百善孝为先 天经地义
尊重老祖宗 呀我的尘为尘 土归土

一切的一切 琳琅满目 
还陈述得那么鼓舞

 

是虚伪 虚幻 还是虚假
还是不切实际的期盼
造就现在躺平自在的我

每日卧在那被窝里
梦的是寻觅已久的‘’中庸点‘’

 

噢!别忘了把香火代代传下去

不成家? 真不知羞耻!

操!世人真矛盾 说什么断舍离 
怎么又对传承香火那么地着迷

 

还有 。。
 
六道伦回 极乐净土
我将归向何处?

活在当下 就是行德道的开始

怎么把人生 说得那么辛苦
还不如抛下所有的一切
百无禁忌 无需挂齿 

嗯!还有那些贡品s 数也数不清楚

 

真是伤脑筋!

 

我的六根好不清静 
怎么我就生在这年代

过得那么不充实不自在

难道这是我这世的一份难题?

 

反白眼 fby

20.01.2023

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

2023年 01月 25号 雨季 破记录的22度

 

Dear Diary, its the fourth day of the Chinese lunar new year. Its awkward when it has been almost two years since I knew of Dad is MIA-ing. Ah Gong, Ah Ma and Auntie Bee continue to keep silent about it. The boxes of Dad's items are still there, no time to thoroughly go through it after NS enlistment and busy with my studies. 

 

Our family is distant from the extended relatives.... I guess since we don't really meet throughout the years, it made no differences if we meet during the festive season, isn't it Diary?  Anyway, back to campus and my study routine. Feeling frustrated over what I over heard at U cafe this morning.... obviously there is a group of homophobics talking about the recent 377A repeal..... trying to whitewash themselves again. 

 

Bombarded 

 

Seriously what are your problems? 
Aren't we all humans?
Thanks for your so-called "heightened awareness"
The awareness that made the situation extremely tumultuous


Why say we are in the same boat?
Obviously we are not....
We experienced different storms 
Most are on the cruise and yacht 
The minorities are in the motor boat

The discriminate ones have to paddle 


So cut that "empathy trait" crap of yours
Stop that toxic positivity 
Quit saying love the sinners and not their sins 

Focusing families as a priority 


Marriages doesn't equates stability 

Divorces are the stark realities 

There are increasing more children from singled families

So what type of love is one advocating?


I am sad and frustrated 
Never have I feel that emotions that deeply ever 

Please don't say society is not ready
No one is ever going to be ready 

So long as the other is being over protective
No one is ever going to be ready 
Never ever forever

 

Period! 

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2023年 01月 26日 星期四 冰冷

 

脸书的提醒 四年前的今天

苍天上演了

一幕非看不可的画面

 

就在那瞬间 曾经的熟悉

已变成陌生 重叠的情感
就在那接近巷口的十字路口

 

打乱了魂魄

 

回眸对望的刹那间

只有四个字。。。不知所措

 

我现在过得还算不错

 

在哪儿端的你。。。还好吧!

 

柚子

26.01.2023 

 

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

Friday, 03 February 1995, Partly Cloudy, Mild Stress

 

三姐, how have you been? Its been awhile since I wrote to you, I didn't fair well for my O level results. To my dismay I got a D7 for my English, could sensed my Form Teacher and other classmates were dumb-folded. I can only embark on engineering courses. Ma told me not to continue study anymore citing that girls just need to get married and excel in her chores. Pa opposed and said its either I retake my O levels or continue my Polytechnic path..... so with Pa's blessings I will embark on the Poly route, maybe I will be retaking my O levels in between and see if I can do a course transition. 三姐 if you are here with me how will you guide me? I believe you will say just follow my heart right? Another song that we both love.... you still love it, don't you? Take care up there, 三姐.

 

 

Your lovely 小妹 youngest sis

Hoon

 

试着了解 (1993)

作词:姚谦
作曲:Super/美木
编曲:卢志铭

 

最近常无言相对 彼此安静电话两边
思绪飞啊飞啊飞到从前 你我初识热络季节
常聊啊聊啊聊到深夜 怎么说也不觉累

 

*是不是每个爱情 都会走到很难交流的局面
别人又是如何如何面对 力不从心这种感觉

我不愿自言自语自怜 给自己理由后悔

 

#你的世界若不要我陪 告诉我 我试着了解
最怕寂寞子夜 我想到我们之间 迟迟无法入睡

 

△我的喜悲若你不想随 告诉我 我试着了解
最怕爱到落空 换来了一身伤悲 在你面前 你视而不见

 

Repeat *,#,△,#,△

为什么所有温柔心事
你不愿意 去试着了解

 

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2023年 02月 07日 星期二  热起来了

 

Dear Cloud, last night ET encountered two extremes form of relationships, one was a sweeter one and the other which had turned sour. The sweet one was a gay couple behaving intimately publicly and on the other spectrum, a married couple quarrelling with their son (lower primary) being sandwiched. ET is trying not to read too much into details but cannot help but to think Universe is prompting him something. Hmmmm..... the first thing that came to his mind is "It is really better and wiser just to stay out of love relationships and leave this world without any attachments".

 

The Universe has been kind to him by showing different situations and circumstances that led him to what he has on his mind right now. The more he witnessed, the more he experienced, the more he feels there is a pressing need for him stay neutral and perhaps be more vocal about issues and matters.... not as a form a retaliation nor rebel to this world but in hope to garner more peace to ET's body, spirit, mind and soul.

 

Cloud, may you grant ET more wisdom. 

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

13022023 mon treat me as dead. no mood. no vtine  

 

你他们的告白

 

你们刷的存在感 他们不期待
距离 是他们对你们最好的安排
他们的无奈 其中的道理 
你们可否 试着反思 了解 明白

 

说什么。。。怎么还不振作起来
还暗示说 真是一代不如一代
抱歉 你们那诗情画意的憧憬
他们的思绪无法和你们同步频率

 

什么前人种树 后人乘凉

把梦幻当残酷的现实来卖
谁不想把生活过得充实豪迈

你们难道就选择 不反思 不了解 不明白

 

实践比说写更加实在

别把话说得太深奥

毕竟他们不是圣人

也不住在象牙塔内

 

他们就是他们

你们奈何得了他们
就让他们继续步足被窝里呗
你们刷的存在感 他们的无奈

 

他们躺平摆烂的资态
比起人类对世界造成的伤害

可能还来得残酷过那几十载

到时你他们的已不复存在

 

算了!

 

写那么多青春真的会为我留白吗?
 

反白眼 fby

13.02.2023

Edited 08.03.2023

Edited by amuse.ed
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  • 3 weeks later...

** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

2023年 03月 05号 星期日 一个不像雨季的三月


hi 陌生人,这几个星期都没见着你。也许我真的没那个福份更加地认识你。。。你的突然消失让我感到非常纳闷。那天刚好经过你的桌位,偷瞄了你的手机,知道你喜欢周兴哲的歌,我也一样。假如,那天我用‘’周兴哲‘’ 这个话题来认识你。。。。或许。。。也或许,这就是现阶段我俩最好的距离,有缘的话我坚信我俩一定会再次碰面。

 

A-Lin

挚友

Best Friend

 

作词:葛大为
作曲:周兴哲
编曲:Derrick Sepnio、Fergus Chow

 

想当星辰 却像路灯
若爱一个人 切忌爱得太深
酒后传的讯息 你别当真
我总感情用事 忘了不可能

 

也委屈你 长期容忍
但我们之间 该用什么相称
难道非要我爱 其他的人
你才心安理得 卸下了责任

 

我们不讨论的关系 很接近却不是爱情
拥有无数交集 要丢弃太可惜
我演的恨 真不诚恳
你最清楚 我是怎样的人

 

没人不羡慕的关系 只是没结局的续集
为什么太熟悉 反而变成距离
触不到的恋人 化身挚友也像搪塞
你明知道我 不会等到却放任我等

 

你正全心 对待的人
辗转找到我 劝我别再伤神
其实我真不想一一询问
从此默不出声 是我的责任

 

我们不说破的关系 很微妙却不是爱情
容许这种维系 是我不够争气
一再追问何其愚笨
我也清楚你是怎样的人

 

Bridge

荡气回肠 又能如何
我最不应该 还害你受困 进退不得

 

我们不讨论的关系 很接近却不是爱情
拥有无数交集 要丢弃太可惜
我演的恨 真不诚恳
你最清楚 我是怎样的人

 

没人不羡慕的关系 只是没结局的续集
为什么太熟悉 反而变成距离
触不到的恋人 化身挚友也像搪塞
你明知道我 不会等到却放任我等

 

 

 

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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

2023年 03月 17号 星期五 终于回复酷热难耐的三月

 

Dear Diary, its a month away from examination and everyone was so busy, burying themselves in the books. Went to library and Ucafe... strangely didn't get to bump into him for the almost past one month. Hopefully he is doing ok. Thankfully, I stays in the hostel, making it more convenient for me and honestly a good break from Ah Gong, Ah Ma and Auntie Bee especially Auntie Bee who still hold this high hope for me to convert to so call straight man. Roll eyes. 

 

Why can't the adults see what our generation sees? We are who we are and i just wish to be who I am. Actually I can also sense from my grandparents that they will wish me to go along with the societal norms... the mainstream.... get a girl, fall in love, get married, get a place on our own and have offsprings.

I am wondering what are the reasons for their inabilities to let go of such ruthless "demands"? Maybe its because of the fear that no one going to pray for them upon and after their death? So what is the point of recarnation?

 

What Ah Gong is doing now is to pray to his parents and grandparents, how about the rest? If all of them are reincarnated, are they somehow still related to the family lineage? To make things worse, am I one of the forefathers who is borned to this family continuing this viscous cycle of never ending traditions?

 

Today happened to be my Tai Gong death anniversary and as usual Ah Gong will cook. I am supposed to return home, burn joss sticks and incense paper for him but I am reluctant to do so. So much stressors and pressure weighing upon me... in the past Ah Gong has the luxury of having many siblings... even Dad has Auntie Bee but I am all alone with no blood related relatives.

 

And yes! Dad you are still MIA-ing.... so are you running away from these responsibilities? And not forgetting that Qing Ming is coming.... more rituals to adhere.... no wonder Auntie Bee choose to be a Christian, it cut off the hassles of all these deemed unnecessary yet important Chinese rituals. 

 

Arghhh..... not going to think about all these anymore. Focus on your exams EM. There are still alot to learn from this coursework. Facing my laptop all day is no joke. 

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

29032023 wed lie flattest still

 

人生不就是一场又一场的不断地满足自己对知识, 权威与力量的欲望吗?操! 我在说啥儿?谁知我心中的怒吼。。。怎么把考试备读期安排在清明节期间。。。爸妈烦死了。。。说什么要拜祭祖先。。。人死了去哪儿谁知道呀?真不知道这些脑残的成年人在想些什么。都什么年代了。希望考试那天就是世界末日。。。那每天就能在地平线上打英雄联盟咯!lol 我来了!

 

陈奕迅

孤勇者

英雄联盟:双城之战动画剧集中文主题曲

 

作词:唐恬
作曲:钱雷
编曲:钱雷

 

都 是勇敢的
你额头的伤口 你的 不同 你犯的错
都 不必隐藏
你破旧的玩偶 你的 面具 你的自我

 

他们说 要带着光 驯服每一头怪兽
他们说 要缝好你的伤 没有人爱小丑
为何孤独 不可 光荣
人只有不完美 值得歌颂
谁说污泥满身的不算英雄

 

爱你孤身走暗巷
爱你不跪的模样
爱你对峙过绝望
不肯哭一场

 

爱你破烂的衣裳
却敢赌命运的枪
爱你和我那麽像
缺口都一样

 

去吗?配吗?这褴褛的披风
战吗?战啊!以最卑微的梦
致那黑夜中的呜咽与怒吼
谁说站在光里的才算英雄

 

他们说 要戒了你的狂 就像擦掉了污垢
他们说 要顺台阶而上 而代价是低头
那就让我 不可 乘风
你一样骄傲著 那种孤勇
谁说对弈平凡的不算英雄


爱你孤身走暗巷
爱你不跪的模样
爱你对峙过绝望
不肯哭一场

 

爱你破烂的衣裳
却敢堵命运的枪
爱你和我那麽像
缺口都一样

 

去吗?配吗?这褴褛的披风
战吗?战啊!以最卑微的梦
致那黑夜中的呜咽与怒吼
谁说站在光里的才算英雄

 

你的斑驳 与众不同
你的沉默 震耳欲聋 You Are The Hero

 

爱你孤身走暗巷
爱你不跪的模样
爱你对峙过绝望
不肯哭一场 (You Are The Hero)

 

爱你来自于蛮荒
一生不借谁的光
你将造你的城邦
在废墟之上

 

去吗?去啊!以最卑微的梦
战吗?战啊!以最孤高的梦
致那黑夜中的呜咽与怒吼
谁说站在光里的才算英雄

 

 

 

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

Content consist of issues on suicide, kindly read at one’s discretion

 

2006/03/31, Friday, Super Tired

 

Dear Diary, its been three years since the Hong Kong idol Leslie Cheung had made a choice to complete suicide by jumping from great heights on the 1st April 2003 and everyone thought it was an April Fools joke. What followed therafter was an increase of suicide attempts and completions for the next two years.

 

The "End of Life" E.O.L statistics shows it all but we were told to keep it Private and Confidential. I am wondering if its of the wisest choice but the fact that suicide completion has been on the rise for the past two years is indeed worrying. At my current age I doubted I can take blows after blows of such news bombarded at me. This entire project has driven me insane... to be honest. Most deceased were people that were of differently orientated, my heart goes out to them.

 

At the current phase of my life perhaps it's foolish to question what is the real meaning of survival in this chaotic world but the anxiety is real... as one approaches the age or in their 50s.... its their mid life crisis.... neither here nor there situation. Maybe it's time for me to manage lighter projects and let the younger ones witness those painful statistics. Should I or not Diary?

 

ST

 

SOS (Samaritans of Singapore)

1-767 (24hrs)

 

Care Email

pat@sos.org.sg

 

Care Text:  https://www.sos.org.sg

accessible via Chatbox function

Daily (24hrs)

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

Content consist of issues on suicide, kindly read at one’s discretion.

 

13 April 2017 , Thurs, Weather 29 Celsius, Warm and humid

 

Dear Diary, just received a shocking news from my handler that my ex- Psychiatrist Dr Keong has completed suicide via hanging. Though I have stopped seeing Dr Keong, he would still dropped me messages of encouragement periodically just to ensure me and Eng Ming are fine. Dr Keong has no obligations to do that in fact but he did. I also recalled he held the space for me during the initial years of Hoon's demise, my role transition to a widower and tided me through the stint of my UC mission. 

 

One cannot imagine a mental health care professional would choose to end his life prematurely just like that. My handler shared that its very common in the west to have healthcare professionals ending their life via suicide completion. I guessed that much as well.... their high caseloads, constant bombardments of client's negativity.... a greater sense of duty mixed with family plus personal challenges.... their risks of burn out are definitely higher... we are all humans, first, aren't we Diary?

 

Dr Keong, my heartfelt gratitude to you.  May you rest in peace. I am unable to attend your wake due to my current predicament but I sincerely wish that you are at a better place now.  

 

SOS (Samaritans of Singapore)

1-767 (24hrs)

 

Care Email

pat@sos.org.sg

 

Care Text: https://www.sos.org.sg

accessible via Chatbox function

Daily (24hrs)

 

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

YYYY/MM/DD..... Cloudy.......  Feeling: Flustered

Diary, another insomnia night, another two lives lost.  I wonder how many will have to sacrifice for this entire project. Yet YK said whatever we are doing now is for the betterment of the future generations... I am starting to doubt it. Anyway Khim had a smooth transition of the family business, something that at least is worth celebrating for this season. Diary, I am tired yet this piece of music somehow sustains me..... wonder why.

 

Credit: YouTube- 何日君再來 (1937) -三星伴月插曲

 

Good flowers don't always bloom, good times don't always come
好花不常開 好景不常在

Sorrow heaps and smiles, tears shed with lovesickness
愁堆解笑眉 淚灑相思帶

After leaving tonight, when will you come again
今宵離別後 何日君再來

After finishing this glass, please order some side dishes
喝完了這杯 請進點小菜

It's rare to get drunk a few times in life, what's wrong with being unhappy?
人生難得幾回醉 不歡更何待

(Come, come, let's talk after drinking this cup)
(來來來 喝完了這杯再說吧)

After leaving tonight, when will you come again
今宵離別後 何日君再來
Stop singing the Yangguan fold and restart the white jade cup
停唱陽關疊 重擎白玉杯

Courtesy and frequent words, firmly caress the king's arms
殷勤頻致語 牢牢撫君懷

After leaving tonight, when will you come again
今宵離別後 何日君再來

After finishing this glass, please order some side dishes
喝完了這杯 請進點小菜

It's rare to get drunk a few times in life, what's wrong with being unhappy?
人生難得幾回醉 不歡更何待

(Hey, have another drink, let's do it)
(哎 再喝一杯 乾了吧)

After leaving tonight, when will you come again
今宵離別後 何日君再來

 

 

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

06/05/1978, Saturday, Mixed feelings

 

Dear Diary, the Ministries has ended their Operations (Ops) last night.  And they managed to round up almost 45 people at the underground private dance club. GL told me that thankfully he has instructed me to leave the scene at the precise timing..... the entire scene was in a mess. At the back of my mind, I wished to tell GL that it was all too familiar..... the reek of alcohol, cigarettes, heroine smell, not forgetting that pungent smell of semen. Used condoms were seen thrown all over the dance floor as well.

 

GL told me back then that this first Ops that the Ministries conducted is for the common good to our future generations citing that the homosexuals are the primary implicit obstacles of the building blocks for healthier families. In addition, HIV/AIDS is still rampant all over the world with the homosexuals being the ones who are the super spreader of this virus.


Thus this Ops has served as one of the remedial and preventive measures to deter the growing numbers of these vices, killing many birds with just one stone. GL also mentioned that it will be a chaos if the homosexuals are allow to grow indefinitely in this country. Isn't it equivalent to a genocide? I asked myself before accepting this Ops reluctantly. HIV/Aids aside, DSM was modified in 1974, and homosexuality was replaced with a new diagnostic classification for people who were troubled by their homosexuality. They are no longer classified as a mental illness/disorder even in the west. But GL brushed me off citing that this is an order. He added that it was a directive from the top and they planned according to what the statistics and what their faith believes in. 

 

Our conversation seemed like a transponder, bringing me back to childhood, when I have no say and no route of escape from the orphanage. The staff laid their hands on us, the innocent souls back then, tormented us by white-washed and sugar-coated analogies of "tough love". Thankfully I managed to escape their clutches with the help of the Auntie and then GL.  Diary, this time was different isn't it? As what GL said it was for the common good, all it was needed from me was to clench my teeth and carried on with my mission, as instructed which I did diligently. 

 

ST

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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

**The following content touches on issues of death and euthanasia, kindly read and discuss with the professionals, where necessary.

 

2023年 05月 13号 星期六 酷热难耐的五月

 

Exams were finally over. Hostel living is pretty fun. Need not experience the "frills and thrills" of staying at Ah Gong and Ah Ma place, not forgetting Auntie Bee and my cousin who have just moved in with them. I am just like an outsider to them honestly or have I treated myself as one to begin with?

 

Strange enough I haven't been seeing that "周兴哲 guy" since the last time we bump into each other at Ucafe. Wonder how he is now. I told Ah Ma that I am still staying at the hostel, she sounded disappointed over the phone yet I think she would know where I am coming from. Being an Uni student means that I need to utilise my digital devices for many hours doing research and complete my assignments and it's good just to tap on the utilities at the University, thankfully I am not into gaming.

 

Anyway, read this article two days ago and the next closest senior citizens I can think of are my grandparents... hopefully they won't get too easily tired of life to the extend of wanting to end it all. And if they do, there is a choice to leave this world with dignity. 🙏

 

New Nauces of Death

 

It's thirteen of May yet not a Friday
I am wearing black and its a Saturday
Read an article on euthanasia 

Etched in the mind of many I believed

 

Death marks an end of one's life voyage
The voyage of relentless mixed of emotions 
A voyage of much loneliness 
A voyage of existential tiredness

 

Neither do I wish to pray for my death 
Nor yearns to live on this chaotic planet
Heaven awaits, my heart still pulpits 
My blood circulates "envisioning for a date"

 

When will I take my final breathe? 
I don't and no one will ever knows 
Even the experts has only a prognosis 
An estimation month period when the person will goes

 

If my life is a written script 
My wish is to pen the 5W and 1H of my life
From the cradle till the day I degenerates
And who is that "Mastermind" who dictates?

 

"Existentialism the purposes and meaning for my pure form of existence" 

 

"Aching loneliness, pain associated with not mattering, struggles with self-expression, existential tiredness, and fear of being reduced to a completely dependent state."

 

What a heavy consignment of triggers 
Triggers that cause one to tumble, where positivities erode 
What shall I do when I am frail?
Where shall I go after my death unfolds?


In reality no one will ever knows 

Heaven and Hell, that superstitious mystic belief
A belief that many adhere to for centuries 

 

How far can mankind explore to infer 
To infer the meaning of death
Perhaps it is the time, 
the time for the new nauces of death

 

How about a greater acceptance amongst and more autonomy given to mankind on euthanasia, a more dignified way to bid farewell to this chaotic world? 

 

EM

13.05.2023

(A Saturday not Black Friday)

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2023年 05月 20日 星期六 温

 

白云。。。难得今夜失眠。突发想起了这首歌。。。再听的当儿已没像当年那样,哭得死去活来。。。时间真的能冲淡一切。。。一切吗?

 

也许就那99%吧。。。省的1%就得自己调试了呗。

 

现在,掉下的泪就是纯粹因为Park Hyo Shin 把这首歌诠释得淋漓尽致罢了。当年还作了中文词,现在读起来还蛮‘’颂‘’ (白文) 的。

 

在哪儿端的你。。。过得还好吗?

 

我过得很好。希望再见到你时,我们俩能寒暄几句。

 

 

她 (Wildflowers 2014)
中文版 (2018)
词: 柚子
曲: Park Hyo Shin

0:41
是否在 依恋她
对所爱 没其他
深夜里 思念她
把睡眠给糟蹋
1:03
是她拖着 我走
还是我不 放手
梦中我会 颤抖
我 失魂落 魄
1:24
像野花般奢望整装待放
它经历日嗮雨淋和风霜
等待她 夜夜等着那野花 绽放
1:46
是否有 想我吗
还是在 想其他
站在雨中度过了好几夜
等待着她的 出现
2:08
我已无法 自 拔
还是我真 太傻
她主宰 我每 一个呼吸
是我傻 对 她 眷恋不已
2:34
是她拖着 我走
还是我不 放手
雨中我会 颤抖
我 失魂落魄
2:55
像野花般奢望整装待放
它经历日嗮雨淋和风霜
等待她 夜夜等着那野花 绽放
3:17
是否有 想我吗
还是在 想其他
站在雨中 过了好几夜
希望和她 见 个 面
3:38
我已无法 自 拔
还是我真 太傻
她主宰 我每一个呼吸
是我傻 对她 还 no 噢。。。
4:02
bridge:
在朋友眼里 我已无可救药 走火 入魔 噢噢
她忽远忽近 叫我 怎样 松开 手 No No God 噢喔。。。
4:34
无条件 深爱 可否感应
我渴望 依附 她倒影
她主宰 我 生命
是我傻 眷恋不已
野花再香都已凋谢了成泥
守护她 是我存在的意义
啦 啦 啦 啦 啦 啦 啦 啦

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

06062023 tues ‘’放弃躺平???‘’

 

人生不就是一场又一场的不断地满足自己对知识, 权威与力量的欲望吗?

 

操!把我关在那儿整整一个月多。那些所谓的专业人士向我母亲提议我暂时休学。TMD 我都没啥儿事,休什么学?没法子。。。只好听从大人的话。反正我也不是读书的料,勉强是没幸福的。那些所谓的专业人士,说什么叫我学习减压,写了又遭他们用那种眼光和口吻批判。在那儿什么都没有,与世隔绝,还说什么我有狂躁症 CP什么TSD 的。得打针复诊。。。所幸现在我已被解放 。做年轻人真难呀!有苦说不清。

 

地球与人类的距离

地球 。。。
不停地在人类脑海里呼唤
轻声细语地说道 
他的身 已被蹂躏伤害
他的心 已严重消耗
他的灵 已逐渐溃败

 

地球过去的种种 人类无法知晓
他们只能在睡梦中咆哮
呐喊着对残酷现实的唏嘘
和历代人所面对的烦躁


前 这 下一世 真的也过得不怎么样

佛陀说。。。有净土与六道
天神道 人间道 修罗道
地狱道 饿鬼道 畜牲道
要摆脱六道轮回
就得弃恶投善

把那五毒 贪嗔痴慢疑一一戒掉


发挥那三好的精神
做好事 说好话 存好心
无时无刻修行 修道
那就能登上极乐净土
永生不再落入因果循环
摆脱轮回六道

 

主耶稣说。。。
他无条件地爱世人 
接纳了他 洗礼后
往生后就能到达一个
无悲伤 无泪水的地方叫做天堂

如果选择自杀
那 无条件的爱将被没收
直接下那冤苦的地狱 永不超生

 

操!

 

叫人类信些啥儿呀?!
这世上还有

那包罗万象的宗教科学理论与推理
怎么就不能让人类自行安乐死
让他们平平安安地离世

怎么就得被逼听 被逼着了解
那些让人类内疚羞耻的心酸


摸不着头脑 死后 会归向何方
只知道 人类都会说
当下的一切都是庸人自扰

怎么人生就过得那么廉价
连一点自主权都没有
整天死读书 活在他人的期待中
‘’精神抖擞‘’地沉溺在
那恶劣弱肉强食的系统里

像只过街老鼠被现实考打着


累了 人类真的累了
就让他们歇一歇 缓一缓 
宇宙能量不停地消耗着
人类的频率已不达标地在脱轨当中

地球 要不然你就来个世界末日
一了白了 让你本尊重新洗牌
过得无忧无虑 自由自在
人类就能进化到那无为的时代
回到那初衷的原子能量状态 
就能避免与肉身世俗搏斗纠缠

 

噢!地球 。。。对不起
人类不是得聆听你的心声吗?
怎么却一刹那地夺走了你的说话权
请你原谅人类那愚钝肤浅的理论

 

但以上的憧憬。。。何时到来?

 

嗯。。。也许再这样下去 
自我中心的人类终究会。。。
自我膨胀 自我摧毁 自我消失
那什么宗教信仰理论也
无稽之谈 无济于事 无中生有

人类还是自我毁灭呗 
就别再拖垮地球了
因为他是那么的单纯
那么的无辜。。。
那么的。。。

 

反白眼 fby

06.06.2023

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

Sunday, 18 June 2000, heavy showers, super stress

 

三姐, it is Father's Day, have you forgiven what Pa did to us? I tried but it's tougher than I thought... secrets are best left untold isn't it? He is still our Pa after all and he pursued Ma for me to continue my studies afterall.

 

He didn't know about it and I have no plans to tell him either. From the day we first met, I knew he will be the man for the rest of my life. Its a kind of intuition, a sixth sense. The experts said that women has stronger sixth sense but I did like to think that men has it as well. Perhaps the mankind are all marred in this chaotic and many have lost this gift and ability bestowed from the Universe? Carrying the baby definitely has made me more emotional and I need to constantly regulate my emotions..... EDD is in November.... He is always home late, I know that he is hiding something from me yet my intuition failed to pick up the nauces... and its doesn't help when he kept shunning my questions.

 

三姐, I really have no clues how to tide these through..... as you know it was a shotgun marriage that naturally made his conservative parents very unhappy.... my relationship with them wasn't cordial either.... his sister apparently living in her Christian world, kept evangelising to me and him. I am unsure and I wonder what's the gender of the baby, Gynaecology told me it's better to do a scan on week 19. Ok I got to stop now.....super exhausted.... perhaps an album from 张清芳 may comfort me in times like this?

 

三姐 if you are here with me how will you guide me?

 

Your lovely 小妹 youngest sis

Hoon

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

Video content consist of issues on suicide, kindly watch at one’s discretion.

 

27062023 tues 实现躺平自由

 

‘’人生不就是一场又一场的不断地满足自己对知识, 权威与力量的欲望吗?”

 

操!校方在‘’那些所谓专业人士‘’的推荐下建议我申请一个gap year 好好地休养,再做冲刺。这次真的能光明正大地躺平咯!妈说这样也蛮好的,反正就叫我 take it easy。但前提是。。。我得要戒掉我沉迷打电动的恶习。

 

恶?你们这些大人才恶呗,懒得理你们。

 

游览网页时。。。看到了这两道视频就觉得TMD地感慨。也许应该是时候发给妈看看。

 

反白眼 fby

27.06.2023

 

SOS (Samaritans of Singapore)

1-767 (24hrs)

 

Care Email

pat@sos.org.sg

 

Care Text: https://www.sos.org.sg

accessible via Chatbox function

Daily (24hrs)

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

Wednesday, 28 June 2000, showers, alone and stress

 

三姐, just attended the gynaecology appointment and did an scan. It is confirm a boy and a minlliuem dragon baby... but why am I not rejoicing? 

 

Your lovely 小妹 youngest sis

Hoon

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

Content consist of issues on suicide, kindly read at one’s discretion.

 

01072023 Sat 终于安息

 

‘’人生不就是一场又一场的不断地满足自己对知识, 权威与力量的欲望吗?‘’

。。。。。。

 

‘’也许就我一人 
一人 漫步着那虚伪的乌托邦

走向那无止境的大道

寻找那 就那一道光

难道就我一人走
无人陪伴 岁月蹉跎
在喧闹中沉迷着忧伤
是否 是多些 少一些
被世俗捆绑着的我 累了

U cafe 的你 别为我哭泣

是的 我怀念的是你专注的状态

母亲 我走了 原我俩 来世 不再相见

永别了 母亲!‘’

 

反白眼 fby

01.07.2023

 

SOS (Samaritans of Singapore)

1-767 (24hrs)

 

Care Email

pat@sos.org.sg

 

Care Text: https://www.sos.org.sg

accessible via Chatbox function

Daily (24hrs)

 

For International helplines, kindly refer to Befrienders Worldwide. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, contact 24-hour emergency medical services.

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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

Content consist of issues on suicide, kindly read at one’s discretion.

 

2023年 07月 01号 星期六 湿哒哒的七月

 

No words can describe how I feel now, Diary. Learnt that one of the hostelites fell from great heights and the body was found wee hours in the morning. You knew my background well Diary and can I be honest be with you.... as much as I have avoided talking about my mental illnesses and past suicide attempts to anyone (even during NS) sub consciously or consciously there are still some residual so am I experiencing a state of willful blindness? 

 

"Willful blindness, also known as conscious avoidance, is a judicially-made doctrine that expands the definition of knowledge to include closing one's eyes to the high probability a fact exists."

 

Though I may not know you, Rest In Peace, fellow Comrade.

 

EM

01.07.2023

 

SOS (Samaritans of Singapore)

1-767 (24hrs)

 

Care Email

pat@sos.org.sg

 

Care Text: https://www.sos.org.sg

accessible via Chatbox function

Daily (24hrs)

 

For International helplines, kindly refer to Befrienders Worldwide. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, contact 24-hour emergency medical services.

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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

Wednesday, 05 July 2000, super hot, angry and disappointed

 

三姐, finally we had couple time last night... or should I say not really as there was a third person involved....let's call this person R.... R seemed to have bypassed our table but my intuition told me that it may not be. He said R was an ex-colleague of his.... without asking for my permission, the next I knew, R joined us for dinner.... I mean what a convienent... its been awhile since we spend a couple and he actually allow a third person to join in? How insensitive of him and very thick skin of R to have agree as well. Of course both of them caught up with their good old time whilst I was left all alone.

 

At the end of the dinner... R offered an assortment of pastries that was claimed to be the most infamous in town. He gladly enjoyed them but I declined.

 

"Dear take it, R is kind enough to offer" He said.

 

三姐,I think my silence killed the amicable ambience.... R looked at me in an awkward manner... I cannot put my finger to it.... its more like trying to assert something.... but somehow I sensed aggression. 

 

"Oh I am carrying a child now, did like to refrain from taking food items that are of heaty of nature... thanks for the offer. Both of you can carry on... I did like to excuse myself" He then arranged for a private hired and I left the restaurant for home. 

 

三姐 I really hope that he would choose to go home with me instead but to my disappointment, he choose not to. What have I done to deserve all these? Why do I feel so abuse by all the men in my life? I am trying not to ovethink but cannot help but to think that R is trying to drop a hint or even this "bump into" was deliberately arranged by him. I kept telling myself to regulate my emotions so that it will not affect my fetus. Seriously there is nothing to rejoice about. Nothing. 

 

Your lovely 小妹 youngest sis

Hoon

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2023年 07月 17号 星期一 太阳雨

 

剔透

 

如果把话说得剔透
世人能否接受
沉沦在那虚幻当中
与残酷的现实携手游走

 

这样的脚本
世人本就逆来顺受
沉淀在喧哗的城市里 
还能说些什么

原来鼓起勇气做自己
也得经过细腻的血管
通过那收缩脉搏血液的洗礼
才能把那虚伪的盔甲
穿得体面 穿得丝丝入扣

 

贪嗔痴慢疑

喜怒哀 悲离 酸苦辣
人生历练何否
都把人间与天堂系着 环环相扣
要解开它 还得要功力深厚

现实剧透就那几秒钟

好比如梦初醒 沉沦在虚伪当中

你我是否感同身受

 

世人可否会就这样沾沾自喜

即便看得剔透 又如何

记得那包罗万象 所谓历史性的时刻

把生活过得朝气蓬勃

松开那紧绷的枷锁

无为 无我 无欲

就好比那 河水 留流进大海

奔向自由

 

白云

17.07.2023

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