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amuse.ed

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@1616hrs。。。。白云你又来了。。。。 so random

 

林忆莲 

听说爱情回来过

作词:李偲菘
作曲:李偲菘

在朋友那儿听说 知心的你曾回来过
想请他替我向你问候 只为了怕见了说不出口
你对以往的感触还多不多
曾让我心碎的你 我依然深爱着
在朋友那儿听说 痴心的你曾找过我
我要他帮我对你隐瞒 只是怕见了面会更难过
我对以往的感触还那么多
曾给我幸福的你 我依然深深爱着

有一种想见不敢见的伤痛
有一种爱还埋藏在我心中 我只能把你放在我的心中
这一种想见不能见的伤痛
让我对你的思念越来越浓
我只能把你 把你放在我心中

在朋友那儿听说 痴心的你曾找过我
我要他帮我对你隐瞒 只是怕见了面会更难过
我对以往的感触还那么多
曾给我幸福的你 我依然深深爱着

有一种想见不敢见的伤痛
有一种爱还埋藏在我心中 我只能把你放在我的心中
这一种想见不能见的伤痛
让我对你的思念越来越浓
我却只能把你 把你放在我心中

对你的声音 你的影 你的手
我发誓说我没有忘记过 而关于你选择了现在的他
我只能说我有些难过 我也真心真意的等过

有一种想见不敢见的伤痛
有一种爱还埋藏在我心中 我只能把你放在我的心中
这一种想见不能见的伤痛
让我对你的思念越来越浓
我却只能把你 把你放在我心中

 

 

 

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2021年 10 05号 星期 二 Mood: 5

 

Dear Diary, ET had the weirdest dream that involved with Jay Chou prior to him waking up this morning. He is not really Jay's avid follower but the dream could potentially explain something in ET's life now. Let ET digests and reflects on it. Meanwhile, this song that has been "resounding" ET for the entire morning. 

 

青花瓷

作词:方文山
作曲:周杰伦
编曲:钟兴民

素胚勾勒出青花笔锋浓转淡
瓶身描绘的牡丹一如妳初妆
冉冉檀香透过窗心事我了然
宣纸上走笔至此搁一半

釉色渲染仕女图韵味被私藏
而妳嫣然的一笑如含苞待放
妳的美一缕飘散 去到我去不了的地方

天青色等烟雨 而我在等妳
炊烟袅袅升起 隔江千万里
在瓶底书汉隶仿前朝的飘逸
就当我为遇见妳伏笔

天青色等烟雨 而我在等妳
月色被打捞起 晕开了结局
如传世的青花瓷自顾自美丽 妳眼带笑意

色白花青的锦鲤跃然于碗底
临摹宋体落款时却惦记着妳
妳隐藏在窑烧里千年的秘密
极细腻犹如绣花针落地

帘外芭蕉惹骤雨门环惹铜绿
而我路过那江南小镇惹了妳
在泼墨山水画里 妳从墨色深处被隐去

天青色等烟雨 而我在等妳
炊烟袅袅升起 隔江千万里
在瓶底书汉隶仿前朝的飘逸
就当我为遇见妳伏笔

天青色等烟雨 而我在等妳
月色被打捞起 晕开了结局
如传世的青花瓷自顾自美丽
妳眼带笑意

天青色等烟雨 而我在等妳
炊烟袅袅升起 隔江千万里
在瓶底书汉隶仿前朝的飘逸
就当我为遇见妳伏笔

天青色等烟雨 而我在等妳
月色被打捞起 晕开了结局
如传世的青花瓷自顾自美丽
妳眼带笑意

 

 

 

 

 

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2021年 10 10号 星期日 Mood: 5

 

Psychotropics Medications

 

Its World Mental Health Day today

Let's talk about Psychotropics medications 

One of the important ethos in the world of Psychiatric movement

Lithium Carbonate, Benzhexol, Propranolol, Diazepam

Sodium Valproate, Lorazepam, Lamotrigine, Haloperidol, Escitalopram,

All in which cause many potential risks and side effects

 

Psychotropic Medications are suppose to bring healing

But why are they only bringing symptomatic relief?

Or is it an expectation that is unrealistic

Imposed in this world of nonsensical "bio-chem analogies" 

 

Dizziness, drowsiness, changes in appetite, sleep disturbance

Weight gain, mood swings, disinterest in activities, emotional numbness

Just to name a few amidst of the many

And yes one has to watch over their liver, thyroid and kidneys

 

Not forgetting anti-depressants that makes one feels suicidal 

Alas! And why are humans prescribing to it with such quantity

Don't they know that they can be highly at risk of dependency? 

Or it is a way to express a learned helplessness in the spirit?

 

The reasoning is often masked behind the fact that is for one's good 

It is feared that one may cause harm to self, others and the community

This is rather imposing because it is an indirect way of saying

What's wrong with you instead of what's happening to you?

 

Biological psychological social spiritual sensual

If medications are to balance the bio-chemical in the brain

Why has it literally over casted or detriment the other factors?

Could it be just because biological has numbed one's heart for that matter

 

It just makes no sense that humans are consuming medications

Knowing that it has a short and long term side effects complications

There are definitely resolutions to prevent those "anti-social undesirable behaviors"

It can take some time to formulate but as an old saying goes better late than never

 

ET 

10.10.2021 edited 17.10.2021 re-edited 03.11.2021

(Inspired from this article)

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2021年 10 12号 星期二 热 Mood: 5

 

Dear Diary, ET dreamt of Jay Chou last week could be a possibility for him to focus more on what he always loved i.e. Music. Its been awhile since ET has been listening to music as he has to focus on his coursework and other readings. He revisited his playlist and glad that he felt much better after being immersed in his favorite songs. About his Chinese lyrics writing, again no inspirations until today. Hopefully, ET will rekindle and reignite, invest more time and effort to write something. These few days had been pretty hot and he was reminded to hydrate himself more. The metallic taste still comes and goes, the cravings likewise, but ET will try to take his sugar and carbo only in the afternoon as he will be more active in the day rather than at night.

 

ET also allocated some of his time to listen to more content related to traumas and gain alot of useful insights. Definitely he sees himself as a person who has experienced past traumas and currently trying to gain more awareness of the complications that stemmed from it. He is now attuning to these energies that is affected by it and try to amplify his narratives by truly accepting what had happened. Thus within his best ability try to create safe spaces for himself to address these traumas, one at a time. It can be a long and harsh journey, a uncomfortable one as well, he sees that he can definitely do it by showing more compassion and love for himself. One of the goals ET wish to achieve is to be able to overcome his fear for driving. Its been 20years since he last drove. If he can overcome this aspect, he will overcome this battle. ET wish to take one step at a time and enjoy the process. With that he is at peace. 

 

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2021年 10 13号 星期三 热 Mood: 5

 

Dear Diary, ET bumped into repetitive numbers 44 not once but twice yesterday at different timings and location. Out of curiosity he did a search and managed to find its meaning. ET wonders if he should be too hype up about this but it does bring him some form of comfort in the midst of what he is experiencing all these years. He also wonder which form of spiritual faith will he be embarking on. Nevertheless, ET hopes that he will soon meet like-minded people who share similar vision and mission, at the right time, so that he may advance his life with greater self-compassion, love, dignity and quality of life. He did like to thank the Universe for this timely intervention. 

 

Resilience and Discipline — 44

 

The number 44 is one of resilience and discipline. This number calls you to master self-control and use your strong will to teach others how to overcome their burdens in life to develop spiritual faith. 44 is a sacred number because it strives to achieve monumental feats for the good of humanity. 

 

Seeing this number is a sign that you have a very big contribution to make to the world, and must maintain your focus to see it through to the end. You are a sacred builder, holding a long-term vision in place. Through holding this vision, opportunities in the physical realm synchronistically align for you to put it into effect to align you with the right people, at the right time. They will look to you for guidance and a plan.

 

Your greatest lessons when seeing the number 44 are about loyalty and perseverance. No matter how tough things get, this is a sign from the Universe to never give up. By calling on the strength, protection, and wisdom you have within your soul, you can become resilient and make it through. You are so incredibly powerful and strong.

 

 

The number 44 also represents the limitations that allow for growth. Sometimes you must be faced with limits in order to truly see your potential. By working in the confines, you learn to overcome any feelings of restriction by channeling your inner gifts to expand your spirit. Cultivating your ability to withstand challenges and prosper despite obstacles is the main focus of your spiritual journey. The setbacks you experience happen due to the Universe’s divine time. Your lesson is to maintain faith and continue with your mission.

 

When 44 is appearing for you, it means that it is time for you to start building your vision. You have all the inner resources you need: strengthen, determination, resilience, and focus. You will soon discover just how strong your spirit truly is and see that you can move mountains when you set your sights on a spiritual calling.

 

Source: https://www.moonomens.com/decoding-the-spiritual-meaning-of-4444/

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2021年 10 14号 星期四 热 Mood: 5

 

Dear Diary, there is one part of ET telling him not to be over-zealous about the sightings of repetitive numbers. He was reminded of what his ex-psychiatrist said as his brain is thinking of wanting to witness a certain incident, item, situation, he would naturally be very incline to pay attention for such occurrences (perhaps). Again, there is another part of ET who appreciates for the Universe timely intervention because of what he has been through and he feels that the Universe never fails to intercede. ET is doing his best to strike a balancing, to gain an equilibrium, at the same time be mindful of his blessings and challenges that he has to face so long as he is living in this world of injustices. So in the future, he will only make references if he encounter the repetitive number at least twice on the same day, a good enough frequency for him to pay attention to e.g. he encountered number 33 yesterday but only once so he is not going to check. Oh ET also reminded himself to check from different sources as well. 

 

ET had a conversation with one of his contacts, FS , last night and they spoke about unconditional love. "Will there ever be unconditional love out there?" FS asked. In ET's worldview and in reality, unconditional love is something that mankind wish to achieve but face extreme challenges with. As much as ET sensed that FS was uncomfortable with the fact that ET has doubts over this statement yet he could not really pin point. FS then posed another question "How about a married couple relationship, is it conditional or unconditional one?" ET told FS that most relationship comes with conditions and expectations tag along with it i.e. extrinsic outlook, intrinsic attributes, interest group, like-mindedness.

 

Moreover when a relationship is to curb one's loneliness and to fill each other's love tank, its already conditional. ET could sensed FS awkwardness, he then went on by saying that humans are imperfect and sinners and ET has definitely  challenged his ideology on the concept of unconditional love and was quick to add on that the one and only- God's love is unconditional.... how Jesus Christ has died on the cross for our sins. ET stood his ground and responded that he did like to subscribe on how the Universe has supported him over the years ever since he has exited from the Church system. The conversation ended with him telling FS to live and let live on the topics on faith and religion. 

 

Diary, ET do not know about you but he is really vexed.... being bombarded with all these preaches, its like seizing every opportunity to evangelise at ET's most vulnerable moment. It happened almost 20 years ago and it has brought much hurt and pain, another trauma in relation to religion in which he needs to address. Talking about trauma, ET is glad with the recent commentary by Ex-NMP Ms. Anthea Ong who reinforced the importance for adopting a trauma-informed approach in Mental Health. This is definitely a major step to provide a significant focus "on other portions of the pie" i.e. psychological, social, spiritual, sexual. However with the recent intervention on the a phase 3 clinical trial of methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA)-assisted therapy for patients with severe, chronic post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) discovered that the drug is an effective treatment, with more than half of those who received MDMA no longer qualifying for PTSD diagnosis, it is going to be a controversial moral and ethical dilemma to work on. ET prefers adopting the naturalistic approach in healing- what we originally have from Mother's Nature. 

 

Source:  

https://www.todayonline.com/commentary/mental-health-unequal-world-lets-ask-what-happened-not-whats-wrong

 

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-mdma-assisted-therapy-ptsd

 

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2021年 10 15号 星期五 热 Mood: 5

 

Dear Diary, something happened last night that was beyond ET's imagination and its indescribable. Yes it is something to do with repetitive numbers. As usual, ET went out for a nature bath and dinner in the evening and encountered the number 222 thrice and 99 twice all within that 4hrs of his outing. ET felt that it was pretty amazing, he did a check and it seems like the Universe is telling ET something about the 5W and 1H on how he should proceed from now on till 2023. ET is still piecing the puzzle and it is something that is least expected. As much as the content resonates and brings comfort, ET is reminded to stay balance and not be too over-zealous. Thanks Universe for the timely intervention. 

 

Community Balance — 222

222 is a message of balancing your goals with that of a larger community. This is a sign that you will benefit greatly from joining a community of like-minded people. When you see this message from the Universe, you will soon be creating an important partnership with someone you need in a group setting. This person will shape your spiritual journey with their own experience and open you up to receiving new revelations.

 

You are learning the lesson of how to balance your needs with the great good when you see 222. The key is holding your own personal power, while also being open to the experiences of others.

This is an opportunity for you to see how well you can remain true to yourself, without being swayed by the pressure of group dynamics. Being able to remain connected to your center while being a part of a community opens the door for others to truly know you on a deep level.

 

 

Being seen for who you truly are and valued by your community is extremely spiritually fulfilling for you. The Universe is encouraging you to reveal yourself in this way so you can be a guide for others.

Seeing 222 shows that you naturally want to care for others and make sure everyone fits in and has a place. By using your ability to bring unity to a group, you can expand a social circle to invite in those who may have otherwise been too timid, shy, or nervous to reach out.

 

Your spiritual path with the number 222 is one of unified community. As you evolve spiritually, your community of kinder souls also expands. Through forming and maintaining relationships, your soul gains valuable lessons about friendship, love, and compassion.

 

Release to Complete — 99

The number 99 is one of surrender. This number calls you to let go and release what is no longer in alignment with your spiritual cycle.

 

99 is a sacred number because it represents cosmic harmony. As things emerge in life, others must fall away. This is a natural cycle of the Universe. It can be scary to the ego to let go of what you’ve clung to as part of your identity. Changes in jobs, housing, and relationships can seem disruptive. Losing things of value to you can be painful, but it is through this process of rebirth that you learn how to develop faith in the next stage of your life.

 

When 99 is appearing for you, it is a period of time when you must hand the reins over to the Universe for guidance. When you are refusing to relinquish control, you will notice your pain and suffering growing. You will be only be gifted with grace when you fully surrender to the flow of spiritual energy.

 

This is the culmination of your spiritual journey on the path you’ve been walking. The transformation is natural and needed for you to evolve to the next leg of your spiritual journey.

 

The Universe is sending you the message through the number 99 to release your fear and focus on trust. Everything happening is for the highest good. Ultimately, you will see how necessary the shift happening was to your well being. Continue to have faith until you’ve made it to the other side.

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2021年 10 17号 星期日 热 Mood: 5

 

Dear Diary, its exceptionally warm and humid these few days, almost hit 34 degrees in the afternoons. ET thought he read via the news that it will be rainy season for the second half of Oct? He experienced giddiness yesterday and wondered if it was the withdrawal effects from tapering off his medication. He is still assessing and observing his condition, hopefully its because of the hot weather season and his dietary, least otherwise.

 

Diary, ET did something recently that he thought was courageous of him, he expressed his opinion on this person who has a tendency to jump into conclusions that were always incorrect, this person replied and made it sounded like it was ET's fault for not indicating clearly what he was stating. In the past, ET would choose to reason his way through but now he stop at this person's reply and decided not to pursue further. ET had feedback how he thinks and feels and if the other party behaves and has opinions as such, it goes to show that there is an obvious lack of insight hence its pointless for ET to pursue further. At this phase of his life, he has to prioritize what he does and spend lesser time with individuals who aren't at similar frequency with him. With that he is at peace. 

 

ET recalled FS asked him if he is happy and what happiness meant to him. ET paused for awhile and the first word that came to his mind is "peace". If there is one mission that he is chasing after is to seek peace in everything he does. Happiness in his humble opinion is the possible by-product of peace. One can feel at peace even at his toughest moments in life and peace can do without happiness. This is not a chicken and egg thing, in order for a person to be in the better state of holistic well-being there must be genuine peace, without it, there is nothing. K and H both will have to agree with ET that most of his life he has always been seeking for peace. ET thinks for this aspect, he can be extreme about it and need not sit on the fences. So its either one is at peace or he is not and if he is not at peace what are the reasons? 

 

Diary, as ET continues his quest to seek for peace, kindly guide him along. May he one day find true peace in his life and its an inner attribute not an external one. 

 

PS: Just as ET ended his entry to the dairy, he heard thunder and the sky started to turn grey. 

  

Edited by amuse.ed
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2021年 10 18号 星期一 凉 Mood: 5

 

Dear Diary, ET's sleep quality has not been good these few days. He must have dreamt yet unable to remember it. He woke up at 2am and 5am, it could be the cool weather last night, he thought. ET just ended a tea session with Z, the first thing he commented was ET looked listless and yes he is correct and Z shared how one can deliberately trained his brain to remembered dreams. ET almost rolled his eyes and said some dreams are just not meant to be recalled. But he has to admit that there were selective people who would appeared in his dreams vividly, perhaps these are the people that had engraved onto ET's heart. Anyway Z gave his insights on his plans ahead since its coming close to year end. He asked ET what's his plan for 2022 and there was a short pause. Seriously, ET did have his plans yet he is not thinking much ahead, at this phase he did like to take it a day at a time. Z seems surprised yet he did not push ET for an answer in which ET appreciated, the conversation went on to what he did last night and what will be the week ahead for him.   

 

Diary, the last Mercury retrograde for 2021 will end tonight, ET did the latest back up compilation of you onto MS words and guess how many pages were there? A total of 333 pages, another repetitive number. Looks like the retrograde has allowed ET to reflect much. ET recalled there is this Greek word Kairos (for “right time,” “season” or “opportunity”), glad that this retrograde went on well without many hiccups, allowing ET to have more time to reflect on whatever challenges he faces. Recently, ET listened to an audiobook that he found useful in relation to trauma, tilted "The Body Keep the Score" https://tokybook.com/the-body-keeps-the-score/ by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. It gave a good insight on what trauma entailed and how to be an overcomer of it.

 

In summary, akin to mental disorder there is no cure for someone diagnosed with PTSD or cPTSD but to attain a resolution out of it is definitely achievable through interventions i.e. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy, Meditation, Mindfulness, Yoga, Theatre and drama. There was another book that ET read that covered additional interventions  i.e. dance movements, drawing and painting.... to think that Arts is categorized as a non-essential service back then during the Circuit Breaker. ET really hope that after the pandemic, the Government will start to assign more weight to Arts so that it can be more recognized..... and it will no longer be STEM but STEAM.

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2021年 10 27号 星期三 热 Mood: 5 

 

Content warning: This article mentions suicide. Please read at your own discretion. 

 

Dear Diary, ET's mood was fluctuating between 2 and 4 for the past one week, right after Mercury Retrograde. There were thoughts of wanting to end his life as well but it was manageable-- wasn't that intense where he need to write an entry of his final parting words in his physical diary and time spent on those suicide related websites had significantly reduced comparatively to the last time he had similar thoughts as well. What causes ET to be in such state of mood? The last time ET knew was in end June and July where he went MIA for almost two weeks via this forum.  Aug and Sept were seemingly fine until ET started to wean off his medications on the 27th of Sept. The withdrawal effects seemed to kick in approximately two weeks thereafter on the 18th Oct. So one hypothesis is- the low mood could be caused by the withdrawal of the reduction of meds dosage. 

 

Another aspect to highlight was the psychological and social that intertwined, whereby ET is experiencing stresses from the coursework he is embarking on. As mentioned to you Diary, ET was reinforced what he is learning now is really not his strength and forte. He has to make a choice whether to continue or drop out of the course and it doesn't help when the next module he is studying looks alien to him as well. As for the spiritual aspect, ET was reminded by the Astrologer that there are tendencies for him to have mood changes as depicted from his natal chart and since its not preemptive, he will have to devise a plan on how he is going to regulate and manage those moments of mood changes. 

 

So Diary, is this Bipolar Disorder or Major Depressive Disorder? ET choose to see it as what his Astrology natal chart has depicted, "a phenomenon" the Universe has wonderfully created.

 

PS: ET read this article and the following two paras struck him.

 

"While Yi Kai is glad that there is a lot more talk about mental health recently, he feels that the stories featured in the mainstream media do not provide an adequate picture. “A lot of them have been framed as success stories and I really don’t like that. I don’t think recovery is about how successful you are,” says Yi Kai. 

 

“There’s a lot of talk about ‘resilience’. I am really uncomfortable with this term because it puts the onus of a mental health struggle on that person alone,” adds Yi Kai. "

 

Agree or Disagree...... what do you think, Diary? 

 

 

Resources on suicide interventionhttps://caringforlifesg.org/

 

Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/

 

Helplines

Samaritans Of Singapore: 1767

Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019

Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222

Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800

Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928

Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788

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2021年 10 28号 星期四 热 Mood: 5 

 

药物不是要不 要不 不吃药物
跨步是一种奢侈不过的麻木
精神疾病是世人 另类的存在
还是世人不约而同创造的绞刑台

药物不是要不 要吃 不吃药物
精神疾病的起因也许是。。。
头脑化学失衡 chemical imbalance
于是就支配药物 大量的药物
就像白老鼠 吞得一命呜呼

药物不是要不 要不 不吃药物
精神疾病的起因也许是。。。
身心灵的一种空虚
于是就安排辅导aka谈话机
有时还会比此互相较劲

药物不是要不 要吃 不吃药物
精神疾病的起因也许是。。。
社会环境因素的冲击
于是就建议自我照顾 提高韧性
但有多少人身不由己 天天为生活打拼

 

精神疾病的起因 多半不是单一

看个人的处境 因人而异

也有些人不相信"那本圣经"

说是性格 态度 性念的差异

这样的见解 你信不信?

 

柚子

28.10.2021 edited 29.10.2021

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2021年 10 29号 星期五 闷 Mood: 5.5 

 

Content warning: This article mentions suicide. Please read at your own discretion. 

 

Dear Diary, ET thinks he has another hypothesis why there was a dip in his mood..... lack of CAFFEINE..... he drank a glass of coffee black without sugar yesterday and he felt much better after a few hours. Though it was not advisable to take in caffeine while he is on medication, he is going to closely monitor the intakes nonetheless. If not a Milo will do the trick as well. ET has finally wrote something in Chinese hopefully this form of creativity will sustain. 

 

ET foresee its going to be challenging from now on especially when its so different from his previous attempts compared to now i.e. 0 alcohol, 0 nicotine, 0 kakis for drinking etc. He has to keep reminding himself to drink more plain water, his daily intake is still insufficient. ET's quality of sleep has significantly improved as well and there are no more thoughts of wanting to end his life for the past few days.  He went to collect his medications the other day and the payment cashier almost did not deduct the meds via the Medisave, calming they are non-standard drugs. ET is glad that he is also alert enough to preempt the staff to double check.

 

ET hopes that he will pay more attention to his maladaptive ways of managing his stressors too. He returns to his normal routine of nature walk aka nature bathing in the late evenings. Not forgetting reconnecting with his Whatsapp chatgroup in which he has been away for awhile. Thanks K, H, FS, Y, Z and those who knew ET's situation..... gave him the much needed time and space and keeping the conversation warm as well when he returned.

 

One good news Dairy, ET is going for his EMDR therapy sessions soon to address his Complex PTSD, he is blessed to find a trained Counsellor who has make time to render support for this season of ET's life. As mentioned, he did like to regain his ability and confidence to drive..... perhaps by end of 2022 or mid 2023. ET believes this is going to be an exciting journey..... he gave a heavy sigh at this juncture.....a sigh of relief..... may the Universe continue to bless him, his loved ones and friends with a good holistic health. 

 

Good night Cloud Dairy.

 

 

Resources on suicide interventionhttps://caringforlifesg.org/

 

Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/

 

Helplines

Samaritans Of Singapore: 1767

Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019

Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222

Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800

Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928

Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788

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2021年 11 01号 星期一 凉 Mood: 5 

 

Dear Cloud*, ET had left imprints on you for closed to two years now. He felt that its about time for him to reveal what his natal chart interpretation is like and since you have known ET for the past two years via his imprints, do see if it resonates with you. Cloud, please understand that it has always been a challenge for ET to trust people and even his loved ones. The fact that he had chosen to be vulnerable to you two years ago was because he felt that he has no where to go back then to put forth his thoughts, feelings and even grievances in a public domain.

 

There are friends who asked ET why he did not set up a private blog/diary but choose to wash his dirty linen publicly instead. Honestly, its all about ET's insecurities, he is concerned that no one will be able to read what he advocates i.e. topics on sexual orientation and "mental disorders" and wellness. And most importantly, ET hopes that one day his niece and even his sister who are Christians will be able to visit a gay forum to read for themselves on what ET and his peers have been experiencing and encountering at different systemic levels so that they will be develop more empathy towards the community. Friends of ET can also read for themselves and see if what they read is of what they know of him.

 

There are a total of 12 segments of interpretations and it will be revealed on a daily basis. ET will strike off texts that he thinks were inaccurate or irrelevant and bold those that spoke right through his heart:- 

 

Segment 1

Very attractive and popular, your charm helps you to get your own way and prevents others from getting angry with you. "Peace and harmony at all costs" is your battle cry. You always try to ameliorate or to cosmetically hide any physical ugliness or any angry feelings between people. Flashy, but not gaudy, you prefer to dress elegantly. You generally have good taste in music, art and literature. Beware of the tendency to compromise yourself in your attempt to be agreeable at all times. A bit of a social butterfly, at times you can be vain and lazy. For the most part, however, you are gracious and affectionate, and your refined and aristocratic demeanor serves as a role model to others.

 

Segment 2

Very emotional and sensitive, you have an intuitive understanding of the "vibes" around you. You tend to be quite generous, giving, loving and caring, but only when your own needs for emotional support, love and security have been met. If they are not met, you tend to withdraw into yourself and become very insecure and selfish. Your home and family (especially your mother or the person who played that role for you early on) represent security for you and thus assume a larger-than-life importance. Very sentimental, you have vivid and long- enduring memories of the past. No matter how well adjusted you are, you will always need a secret quiet place of your own in order to feel at peace. Feeding others can give you great pleasure, you would enjoy being part of a large family.

 

*Diary = Cloud ;  Cloud = Diary

Edited by amuse.ed
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2021年 11 02号 星期二 热 Mood: 5 

 

Dear Cloud, ET seriously has little motivation to carry on with the course anymore (yes grumbling again). He is giving himself some breathing space off the modules and he has not been going through his notes online for the past 3 days. It gave him the opportunity to rest his mind and eyes. As his course-mates were discussing the new modules via the Whatsapp, He knew that he has to start soon regardless because the content is getting tougher. ET returned to his cooking, thankfully his dad is willing to give up the kitchen for him to "make that mess". ET went for nature walks over the past few days as well, trying to an equilibriums from all those nonsensical stuffs. 

 

As for the first two segments of ET Astrology natal chart, these are the two that speaks to him the most:- 

 

-- Beware of the tendency to compromise yourself in your attempt to be agreeable at all times.

 

-- but only when your own needs for emotional support, love and security have been met. If they are not met, you tend to withdraw into yourself and become very insecure and selfish. 

 

The ones that were strike off or not bold could be the fact that ET is either in denial, unsure of or a blind-spot that only his friends observed. It will be nice if he can have some feedback from his closer friends on this. Here is the 3rd segment.

 

Segment 3

Your feelings are very intense, never superficial. You tend to be either very angry or very sad or completely and totally happy. Your moods are deep, extreme and not always completely understood by yourself or by those with whom you have to deal. Emotionally, you tend to prefer to live at the cutting edge of life, pushing your reactions to the ultimate extremes, even if the results are dangerous or upsetting. You are easily jealous and very suspicious -- you require a great deal of emotional reassurance. A good detective, you are very curious about deep and mysterious things, especially human nature and motivations. Be careful not to be ruthless, tactless or too overly frank or you will meet with much resistance from others.

Edited by amuse.ed
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2021年 11月 03号 星期三 热 Mood: 5 

 

Dear Diary, ET observed that his head giddiness returned despite of the minimal caffeine intake he had since last week. He deliberately choose not to go through his online notes and have R&R for the past 3 to 4 days yet that the giddiness is still there. Could it be one of the withdrawal symptoms of the medication he is taking? Should ET called his psychiatrist to inform? What will be the next wisest step to do?  ET is still deciding the next viable step. 

 

As for the third segment of ET Astrology natal chart, this is the one that speaks to him the most:- 

 

-- Your moods are deep, extreme and not always completely understood by yourself or by those with whom you have to deal.

 

Diary, could it explain the reason why ET is an Empath, Highly Sensitive Person and a person with "Bipolar Disorder"? The following is the fourth segment. 

 

Segment 4

You are usually quite convinced that your own ideas are correct and you enjoy persuading others that they are. At times, you are very stubborn and proud of your beliefs and principles, and you get very defensive when they are challenged. You appreciate truth and honesty -- you practice it yourself and expect it in others. You have good talent for organizing, directing and planning. You delight in being asked for your advice and counsel.

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2021年 11月 04号 星期四 热 Mood: 5 

 

Dear Cloud, ET woke up abit early today just to finish off his individual assignment that is due for submission end of this week. He just wish to get things over and done with this sub-module so that he can proceed on to the next. Thankfully, it was completed and he can move on finally.

 

ET feels that there is two parts of him. The first, the ET who sees himself with a person with no mental disorder but someone who has unique personality traits, attitudes and talents, gifts and competency. The other is ET with a history of ACEs, cPTSD, Bipolar Disorder and now Major Depressive Disorder. Can both be integrated and co-exits? ET thinks that its very tough because its like having to be at the two extremes of a tug of war game. Both ends keep pulling with certain unknown force primarily cause by ET's ecological system. And this pull tensions can be very exhausting. One would said "ET, you have a choice to let go" He will always have this OS at the back of his mind "If that is so easy to let go, then there will be world peace isn't it?" The conflicts, confusions, consistencies, condemnations and that coldness of realities......Sigh. Yes Cloud, this is ET's sigh of disappointments. 😞 

 

As for the fourth segment of ET Astrology natal chart, this is the one that speaks to him the most:- 

 

-- You appreciate truth and honesty -- you practice it yourself and expect it in others.

 

So has ET subconsciously imposed that on others and resulted in his kilos of unhappiness? How many people out there can truly attain that? When a person lies, he will sugar-coated as a "withholding of the truth", alright ET is as guilty as charged sometimes. So ET will get upset when others "fall under his expectations".

 

This form of energies is actually unhealthy and in fact there is little thing ET can do to preempt that but to develop strategies to effectively address the issues. Anyways...... its a public holiday today..... ET is not going to be onscreen for long. More eye breaks are needed. 

 

The following is the fifth segment:

 

Segment 5

You express your love and affection through selfless service to people or causes. You have a tendency to underestimate yourself and doubt your self-worth. This is very demeaning and should be avoided -- learn to love yourself as well as you do others. Your standards of perfection are very high you are attracted to relationships based on duty and responsibility -- . You are supercritical of yourself and others and, at times, prefer to be alone rather than deal with any imperfections in yourself or in those with whom you might relate.

Edited by amuse.ed
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2021年 11月 05号 星期五 凉 Mood: 5 

 

Dear Cloud, ET feels like he is back on track. He went into deep sleeps for the past two nights though it was disrupted twice by him visiting the loo. His public holiday was spent catching up with like-minded people. Interestingly, as the conversation flowed, time flew fast. And there was a similar theme, the ecological systems theory and how the different systems interacted and has an impact on people by and large. It was a fruitful discussion and ET has gained some insights and revelation on certain issues he has been grappling with too.

 

As for the fifth segment of ET Astrology natal chart, this is the one that speaks to him the most:- 

 

You have a tendency to underestimate yourself and doubt your self-worth..... learn to love yourself as well as you do others.

 

Cloud, ET has to remember that whatever that was stated was based on his Astrology birth natal chart- meaning these are the primary states and energies that ET possessed right at the start of his birth. So as ET developed holistically, some of the traits may went dormant and he gone into his subconscious. That is when ET realized today that yesterday he did not bold the word demeaning, by right he should at the first read.  

 

ET knew the definition and concept of self-worth and he could have just cancelled the entire statement because as someone who had been telling his ex-clients on such concept should have overcame this issues of unworthiness isn't it, Cloud? Could it be something in ET's subconscious mind telling him that he is still unworthy and its totally fine to feel defeated and demeaned? 

 

Are there "price tags" attached to one's value and worth? And what are those? Is it something internal or is it circumstantial? It is definitely something worthy to think about. Those were the years whereby ET thought that he has conquered it all and readied to take the world...... to journey with people who face multiple challenges. He now choose to humble himself and gradually picks up the ABCs under the carpet.

 

ET is also thankful for constructive conversations and resources that he had thus far. The following is the sixth segment:

 

Segment 6

Very careful and systematic, you pay great attention to details. You are always seeking perfection and sometimes get bogged down searching for the ultimate when adequacy would have been sufficient. You dislike abstractions, preferring whatever is practical, useful and demonstrable. You have a strong and enduring sense of personal responsibility, and you demand that others be as responsible and upright as you are. Very critical of yourself and others, sometimes you carry this too far and become overly intolerant of others and their right to choose their own lifestyles.

 

PS: ET cancelled certain statements not because its irrelevant to him but its irrelevant to him at this phase of his life. However he observed that there are tendencies to have a relapse of those form of traits periodically as well.

Edited by amuse.ed
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2021年 11月 06号 星期六 热 Mood: 5 

 

Dear Cloud, ET felt abit quirky just now... the giddiness came back towards his medicated day and ET was glad that he still persisted in going for a nature walk. The cool breeze and scenic had calmed him down. He definitely feel much better now, sleepy in fact. As he is typing this in the train he felt tired yet his spirit is up. Psychiatrist or Psychologist can explore prescribing nature bath as one of their interventions. It certainly works for ET.

 

As for the sixth segment of ET Astrology natal chart, this is the one that speaks to him the most:- 

 

You dislike abstractions, preferring whatever is practical, useful and demonstrable.

 

K and H should resonate with this aspect of ET's life. ET is never a person that pursue branded good. Practicality, durability and usability are definitely important considerations when it comes to purchases. 

 

Segment 7

You must be emotionally secure in order to grow and develop. You are happiest when your family and community support and nourish you and boost your morale. Whether your childhood experiences of love and emotional dependability were positive or negative will set the tone for your emotional growth and stability as an adult. When you feel at ease with yourself, you are able to offer assistance to those who need a helping hand.

 

Cloud, as ET was reading the above mentioned, he feels pretty amaze and regretted for not having to explore more on Western Astrology much earlier in his life. There's nothing he did like to strike off or bold at this juncture because it really resonates with him. Is ET really at ease with himself now?

Edited by amuse.ed
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2021年 11月 07号 星期日 凉  Mood: 5 

 

Dear Cloud, woke up with a headache in the middle of the night when ET visited the loo twice. Thankfully he managed to sleep deep and is feeling better now. It seems like lately the topic on polygamy has been the centered of discussion lately in ET's life, there are questions asked if a trios relationship is acceptable. ET's worldview is if polygamy can be accepted in some culture why not? Will he practice it? No, but again that depends on in which context. ET mentioned before that if a person's holistic welling or wellness involves in emotion, psychological, social and sensual.... why not get one partner who can fulfil each of them? Anyway, ET has chosen to be single and anyone who comes into his life will be a blessing for him but definitely is no longer a need or even a want. 

 

As for the seventh segment of ET Astrology natal chart, this is the one that speaks to him the most:- 

 

Whether your childhood experiences of love and emotional dependability were positive or negative will set the tone for your emotional growth and stability as an adult. 

 

Does ET need to explain the above-mentioned? He doubted so as it has been imprinted on you Cloud for the longest time. Here comes the eighth segment. 

 

Segment 8

Extremely self-reliant, you set very high standards of conduct and decorum for yourself, and you expect others with whom you associate to be that way, too. It is important that you had a strong father figure or role model early in life to mold your life course and direction. When you feel that those around you are unworthy or behaving badly, you withdraw, preferring solitude rather than associating with those who might besmirch your reputation.

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2021年 11月 08号 星期一 凉  Mood: 5 

 

Dear Cloud, ET woke up with a splitting headache and he decided to call up his Psychiatrist and discuss what is next. Hopefully, he will get the issues of giddiness and headaches over soon. He is not going to be onscreen that often from now on, expect to update the diary and perhaps 2hrs to read his online courses modules. ET has to hydrate more as well, he is not drinking enough plain water.

 

As for the eighth segment of ET Astrology natal chart, this is the one that speaks to him the most and perhaps that is the reason why ET landed himself in that phase two decades ago.... 

 

Extremely self-reliant, you set very high standards of conduct and decorum for yourself

 

Here comes the ninth segment. 

 

Segment 9

You, and your peer group, demand to confront life at its deepest and most meaningful levels. Very compulsive and obsessive in your approach to everything, you will avoid anything that is casual or superficial, especially when it comes to relationships. You will seek out and explore new methods of healing as well as different ways to deal with deep-seated emotional problems.

 

Cloud, ET is going to rest his eyes now. 

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2021年 11月 09号 星期二 凉  Mood: 5 

 

Dear Cloud, ET felt heavy headed again, he took his pill at a much earlier time before 2pm yesterday. He received a call from the psychiatric staff nurse this time round, apparently his Psychiatrist was having a full clinic today. Good that the professionals response time was fast, at least ET has his message conveyed. Two hours of online reading has shagged ET's eyes. Time to rest them.

 

As for the ninth segment of ET Astrology natal chart, this is the one that speaks to him the most.

 

"you will avoid anything that is casual or superficial, especially when it comes to relationships. You will seek out and explore new methods of healing as well as different ways to deal with deep-seated emotional problems."

 

ET has been searching, exploring and even experimenting all these years. He was amused by it because two decades ago he wasn't into Western Astrology back then and was even told that Astrology is something that one need to avoid and renounced. 

 

Here is the tenth segment. 

You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto*. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."

 

*gusto: enjoyment and enthusiasm in doing something.

 

Cloud, remember about repetitive numbers? ET saw no. 55 not twice but thrice yesterday while he was out and about. 

 

New Horizons and Expansion — 55 (Credit: https://www.moonomens.com/)

The number 55 is one of new horizons. This number calls you to stop playing small and expand into your full spiritual potential. Your radical authenticity is a breath of fresh air. For too long you’ve been denying yourself the true pleasures of life. Seeing 55 is a reminder that to truly be in alignment, you must shake things up from time to time.

 

Changing things around, exploring new places, and doing on new hobbies allows you to discover new aspects of who you are. Being stuck in a repetitive pattern of comfort only indulges your ego. Seeing the number 55 is a call to trust you spirit and listen to how it wants to grow. You are calling new energies into your life that will push you towards the person you want to become.

 

55 represents a major turning point in life. It is time for you to decide how you want to grow and expand, otherwise the Universe will force situations in life that break you out of patterns. This is the sign you get to initiate the changes yourself and awakening to your power of reinvention. The Universe is waiting for you to use your co-creative energy, and this is your chance to shape the life you have always dreamed about. If the changes feel overwhelming, always return to spirit. The number 55 can make things tumultuous, but your soul is ready for growth and knows how to ride the waves of change.

 

Cloud this is cheeemology, anyway as ET was typing, it rain again. What an unpredictable and wet Tuesday.  

Edited by amuse.ed
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2021年 11月 10号 星期三 凉  Mood: 5 


Dear Diary, ET is glad that it rains and the weather is cooling. The giddiness is still there but ET is managing fine, his Psychiatrist has yet to return his call so he will just have to wait for awhile more. As ET is reflecting on the tenth segment on the global village that he is comfortable with, he wonders what will constitute it.

 

"You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."

 

According to Google search, it explained "The term global village has been used to express the idea that people throughout the world are interconnected through the use of new media technologies"

 

Cloud, it seems like ET is doing it right now, sharing how he navigate as a gay with "mental health challenges" in Singapore via the Blowing Wind platform..... potentially be seen by people locally and from other parts of the world. He wonders what will come out from these entries but he feels therapeutic journaling, most importantly, feels at peace. ET was amazed and amused by what Western Astrology has depicted thus far. 

 

Here is the final segment that covers more of the macro-systems: 

 

For your entire generation, this is a time of radical changes in society's attitude toward marriage and interpersonal relationships. There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments -- they will not be entered into lightly. 

 

Ok Cloud, time for ET to rest his eyes and stay hydrated. 

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2021年 11月 11号 星期四 凉  Mood: 5 ** Medication Day: No

 

Dear Diary, the sun is out this morning compared to yesterday. Its a cool weather nonetheless, something that ET hopes it will last forever. Realistically, its impossible, Singapore is a tropical island anyway unless climate change does something to it?? Yes, talking on the weather..... ET remembered in his initial years of pursuance on counselling and psychology, his lecturer said "If you need to break the ice with your client, can always start with one of the three topics i.e. weather, food or hobbies. Over the years, ET found that its somehow true.... hmmmm why is he even mentioning this?

 

Perhaps he is trying to break the ice with the Cloud readers out there who have been reading or just started to read his Dairy? It has been two years..... yes on 11.11.2019, The Cloud Diary was started by this gay Singaporean who was "crying over the spilled milk" over an unrequited love relationship, experiencing tonnes of sufferings and pains while navigating through his ecological system i.e. family, career, relationships etc. And NOT forgetting to leave a legacy behind for his niece to better understand and embrace who is this uncle she is dealing with.  

 

Why Cloud? Because ET is a nature-love who and one of his habits is to look up to the blue sky to view at different cloud formations. ET is always amused how the clouds would change its patterns every few seconds and minutes. ET feels that its akin to his life, transformable and change is constant. There will be days that will be sunny and bright, the clouds are usually white and fluffy (the triumphs). There will be rainy days where the clouds are grey and gloomy (the toil). The transitions from sunny- cloudy- rainy (the unpredictables). There were also be days where the sky is cloudless (the stagnant)..... days where ET occasionally witnessed the rainbow that bridged across two enormous clouds (the reward- "that pot of gold").  

 

There is this one person that ET likes to thank, without this person, ET would never have that courage to text down his thoughts and feelings of his life challenges and journey in a format of a diary online. Yes Cloud, another name abbreviation, EH. He is thankful that EH sees that its necessary for ET to have an outlet to express his views and circumstances...... how he feels that the world and the system he is in has been so unjust and often than not cruel in a sense.

 

EH as you are reading this, ET wishes to thank you for the guidance two-ish years ago, he was taught and has since learnt not to choose to flight but fight during his challenging times..... fighting with discernments, wisdom and never let emotions ruled over but applied gentle force of it to address issues head on.  

 

And of course ET's other name abbreviations' friends i.e. K, H, Y, Z, JN, OW etc, his contacts and mentors. Thank you for being part of ET's life and he is looking forward for many good and peaceful years to come. 

 

The Toil 

The Rewards

The Unpredictable 

The Stagnant

The Triumphs

 

Part of ET's life is all about TRUST. Yes that's right or wise..... ET has to trust his intuition, gut feel, be sensitive and move on with his life despite how the world has labelled him. How about PEACE Cloud, how can ET attained that? Perhaps he is ready to explore and seek for his true PEACE from now on.  

 

PS: ET's Psychiatrist has not contacted him and he wonders what he should do with his possible withdrawal symptoms experienced from the medications?  

Edited by amuse.ed
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2021年 11月 12号 星期五 热  Mood: 5 ** Medication Day: Yes

 

Dear Cloud, no rain as of now and its seems like a sunny weather today. His Psychiatrist has yet to call him, maybe he will do it next Monday to confirm what is next. Since he cannot think of new Chinese poems, he decided to edit what he did in the past that talks about the strong desire for him to move on and forward in life. 

 

前进

我真的很渴望前进
在这繁华都市里
我真的很渴望蜕变
点燃那沉睡的火焰

谁能够阻挡我
追逐那道彩虹
希望和热血沸腾

我渴望前进在这都市里
非一般的勇气
展示这的魅力
没有人能阻挡我
阻挡我的前进
下定了决心 决不会放弃

为什么还要看过去
把往事当做学习

我们一起来努力
把未来变得更美丽

没有人能够阻挡我
追逐那道彩虹
希望和热血沸腾

我渴望前进在这都市里
非一般的勇气
展示我的魅力
没有人能阻挡我
阻挡我的前进
锁定了目标
向彩虹奔去 

 

柚子

07.06.2019 edited on 12.11.2021

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2021年 11月 13号 星期六 热  Mood: 5 ** Medication Day: No

 

Dear Cloud, ET woke up this morning feeling feverish and headache. Thankfully, he rested for the entire day and now feeling much better. He decided to spend less than two hours in front of his laptop screen today. ET's parents surprised him by making soon kueh this afternoon. He felt bad for unable to help them in preparation and the making process of the traditional Teochew snack. His mum would often knead the dough and his dad cooked the ingredients that consisted of turnip, dried shrimps, mushrooms, carrot. Seeing the both of them collaborating to whip up a snack, warms ET's heart. At the same time he is also thinking when will he ever find a partner to whip up a dish together? ET can cook but the purchases and preparations can be quite a headache. His mum is already telling him that the family will look into ordering monthly food tingkat delivery services in the future. By looking at how ET's dad physical condition right now, he may not be able to cook as long as he wishes for. 

 

There is also another thing that is on ET's mind. The Western Astrology chart natal chart readings somehow resonated with him and he feels that wouldn't it be good if one is able to know what is this person going to be like at birth? As much as ET loves randomness, the Pseudoscience is pretty insightful as well.  He is born in an era where Sciences are highly regarded and there is little rooms for the existence of the other spectrum or side of the coin. Nonetheless, ET thinks that its still the creation of our forefathers' wisdom and should be respected.

 

Cloud, is ET progressing or regressing? He did like to see it as trying out things that better resonates and what potentially works for him at this juncture of his life. The medications may work at the initial phase of his "mental disorder treatments" but as time progresses, ET needs something that is more robust rather than being dependent on medications that can potentially do harm to his body system. He feels that Astrology can satisfied his curiosity in this aspect. Perhaps ET can make a combo of what he has found out from Astrology combined it with Johari Window ?

It will be quite interesting to see how these two marries. 

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2021年 11月 14号 星期日 热  Mood: 5 Medication Day: Yes

 

Dear Cloud, ET is going to start a new week with another new assignment. There will be four people he will be collaborating with and he hopes all things will turn out well because there is a deadline to meet during the first week of Dec 2021. Two days in a row and its hot and humid, ET is wondering when will the rainy days return but guess he has to put up this kind of weather for the next few days? Anyway, ET complied the natal chart readings and merged it with the concept of Johari Window. And the outcome is pretty interesting. 🙂

 

Arena-- Information that is known to ET (and perhaps a selective group of people)

 

"Peace and harmony at all costs" is your battle cry. Beware of the tendency to compromise yourself in your attempt to be agreeable at all times. Very emotional and sensitive, needs for emotional support, love and security have been met.  Your home and family (especially your mother or the person who played that role for you early on) represent security for you and thus assume a larger-than-life importance. Very sentimental, you have vivid and long- enduring memories of the past. 

 

No matter how well adjusted you are, you will always need a secret quiet place of your own in order to feel at peace. Your moods are deep, extreme and not always completely understood by yourself or by those with whom you have to deal. A good detective, you are very curious about deep and mysterious things, especially human nature and motivations. Be careful not to be ruthless, tactless or too overly frank or you will meet with much resistance from others.

 

You are usually quite convinced that your own ideas are correct and you enjoy persuading others that they are. At times, you are very stubborn and proud of your beliefs and principles, and you get very defensive when they are challenged. You appreciate truth and honesty -- you practice it yourself and expect it in others. You have good talent for organizing, directing and planning. 

 

You have a tendency to underestimate yourself and doubt your self-worth. Learn to love yourself as well as you do others. You are supercritical of yourself, prefer to be alone rather than deal with any imperfections in yourself or in those with whom you might relate. Very careful and systematic. You dislike abstractions, preferring whatever is practical, useful and demonstrable. Very critical of yourself.

 

Extremely self-reliant, you set very high standards of conduct and decorum for yourself. You will avoid anything that is casual or superficial, especially when it comes to relationships. You will seek out and explore new methods of healing as well as different ways to deal with deep-seated emotional problems.  You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."

 

** So for people who wish to piss ET off, they know what to do now. Haha. 😄 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2021年 11 16号 星期二 热 Mood: 5 Medication Day: Yes

 

Content warning: This article mentions suicide. Please read at your own discretion. 

 

Dear Cloud, ET was under the weather yesterday and now he is feeling heavy headed again. Looks like its really the withdrawal symptom from the taper off from his medication. The last caffeine intake he took was on Sun which was a teh tarik. Yesterday, the thoughts of wanting to end his life returned. Thankfully it is controlled by his decision not to go online and reduced his hp usage, distracted himself by reading a book that Z loaned him. There are several pointers that ET thinks its useful, may highlight some in the future after he reflects on those statements.

 

Back to Astrology and Johari Window:- 

 

Façade-- Information that is known to ET and not known to whoever ET is communicating with

 

 

You always try to ameliorate or to cosmetically hide any physical ugliness or any angry feelings between people.You generally have good taste in music, art and literature. Beware of the tendency to compromise yourself in your attempt to be agreeable at all times. For the most part, however, you are gracious and affectionate. 

 

Very emotional and sensitive, you have an intuitive understanding of the "vibes" around you. You tend to be quite generous, giving, loving and caring, but only when your own needs for emotional support, love and security have been met. If they are not met, you tend to withdraw into yourself and become very insecure and selfish. Your home and family (especially your mother or the person who played that role for you early on) represent security for you and thus assume a larger-than-life importance. Very sentimental, you have vivid and long- enduring memories of the past. No matter how well adjusted you are, you will always need a secret quiet place of your own in order to feel at peace. Feeding others can give you great pleasure.

 

Your feelings are very intense, never superficial. You tend to be either very angry or very sad or completely and totally happy. Your moods are deep, extreme and not always completely understood by yourself or by those with whom you have to deal. Emotionally, you tend to prefer to live at the cutting edge of life, pushing your reactions to the ultimate extremes, even if the results are dangerous or upsetting. You are very suspicious -- you require a great deal of emotional reassurance. A good detective, you are very curious about deep and mysterious things, especially human nature and motivations. Be careful not to be ruthless, tactless or too overly frank or you will meet with much resistance from others.

 

You are usually quite convinced that your own ideas are correct and you enjoy persuading others that they are. At times, you are very stubborn and proud of your beliefs and principles, and you get very defensive when they are challenged. You appreciate truth and honesty -- you practice it yourself and expect it in others. You have good talent for organizing, directing and planning. 

 

You express your love and affection through selfless service to people or causes. You have a tendency to underestimate yourself and doubt your self-worth. This is very demeaning and should be avoided -- learn to love yourself as well as you do others. You are supercritical of yourself, prefer to be alone rather than deal with any imperfections in yourself or in those with whom you might relate.

 

Very careful and systematic, you pay great attention to details. You dislike abstractions, preferring whatever is practical, useful and demonstrable. Very critical of yourself. You must be emotionally secure in order to grow and develop. You are happiest when your family and community support and nourish you and boost your morale. Whether your childhood experiences of love and emotional dependability were positive or negative will set the tone for your emotional growth and stability as an adult. When you feel at ease with yourself, you are able to offer assistance to those who need a helping hand. 

 

Extremely self-reliant, you set very high standards of conduct and decorum for yourself. It is important that you had a #strong father figure or role model early in life to mold your life course and direction. When you feel that those around you are unworthy or behaving badly, you withdraw, preferring solitude.

 

You, and your peer group, demand to confront life at its deepest and most meaningful levels. Very compulsive and obsessive in your approach to everything, you will avoid anything that is casual or superficial, especially when it comes to relationships. You will seek out and explore new methods of healing as well as different ways to deal with deep-seated emotional problems. 

 

You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village." For your entire generation, this is a time of radical changes in society's attitude toward marriage and interpersonal relationships. There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments -- they will not be entered into lightly. 

 

# That explains why ET prefers to communicate with men who are older or at least has some maturity, intellectually and emotionally. 

 

PS: ET's Psychiatrist has yet to return his call despite him contacting the call centre yesterday afternoon. Guess he has to wait awhile more. 

 

Resources on suicide interventionhttps://caringforlifesg.org/

 

Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/

 

Helplines

Samaritans Of Singapore: 1767

Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019

Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222

Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800

Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928

Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788

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2021年 11 17号 星期三 热 Mood: 5 Medication Day: Yes

 

Dear Cloud, ET Psychiatrist called him this morning and it was agreed that he will take half of dosage of the med daily from now onwards. ET still feels that it is very important to keep his Psychiatrist informed if withdrawals or side effects are being felt in the course of medical treatment and tapering or adjustments should be done in consultation with the medical professional as well. The call ended by a gentle reminder from his Psychiatrist for ET to visit the GP if there's a relapse. ET's OS was like choy. Cloud you will know by now ET definitely do not sees himself as a person with mental disorder but he cannot deny the fact his ecological system sees him as such especially his loved ones. 

 

ET recalled FS once asked him "Will ET willing to take medication for life for the sake of his parents?". ET felt that isn't it the same by asking him "Will he settle down with a lady.... have one or two kids for the sake of his parents, knowing he is a gay?" He lived off his life most of the time feeling guilty and shameful that he cannot compromised when it comes to these two aspects. He hopes his parents and sister or even his niece and relatives will one day understand where he is coming from. Though he is the only male heir that can pass on his dad lineage, the ecological system ET is in doesn't allow him to fulfill being a father and a husband to his partner. 

 

Oh well, whenever it comes to this topics, ET will get inspired and he can typed continuously non stop about how he feel. Today is ET's re-birthday. Yes, his so-called systematic son is 21yo, a full fledged d adult who can do most things. These three years were akin like National Service for his 21yo where he experienced battles after battles of life challenges, emotional roller coaster rides etc. He is still very much thankful for his loved ones, friends and contacts who had in one way or the other touched the life of ET (and his 21yo son) in positive and challenging ways. Regardless, ET still need to move on with life. Yes, Cloud, Happy Rebirthday to ET. 

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2021年 11 18号 星期四 热 Mood: 5

 

Dear Cloud, ET believed that this morning was an island-wide rain and now he is experiencing hot sun. He reminded himself to continue to stay hydrate and eat more fruits for Vit C. He has since started the new med regime, hopefully the metallic taste and giddiness cum headache will ceased. He hasn't been drinking any caffeine for the past two days as well. HIs last intake was on Sunday. ET feels that the blind-spots and unknown from the Johari Window can only be commented by his close friends, contacts and associates. But it can be also the fact ET has that trait yet over time he decided to make adjustments and no longer find it relevant to his life anymore or it can also be dormant waiting for something to trigger ET? He is unsure but knowing himself better definitely provide him with an insight any reasons for how certain things happened and why ET choose to response it certain manner.   

 

The Blind-Spots and Unknowns

 

Very attractive and popular, your charm helps you to get your own way and prevents others from getting angry with you.  Flashy, but not gaudy, you prefer to dress elegantly.  A bit of a social butterfly, at times you can be vain and lazy. For the most part, however, you are gracious and affectionate, and your refined and aristocratic demeanor serves as a role model to others. you would enjoy being part of a large family. You are easily jealous. You delight in being asked for your advice and counsel. 

 

Your standards of perfection are very high you are attracted to relationships based on duty and responsibility. You are supercritical of yourself and others and, at times, prefer to be alone rather than deal with any imperfections in yourself or in those with whom you might relate.

 

You are always seeking perfection and sometimes get bogged down searching for the ultimate when adequacy would have been sufficient. You have a strong and enduring sense of personal responsibility, and you demand that others be as responsible and upright as you are. Very critical of  others, sometimes you carry this too far and become overly intolerant of others and their right to choose their own lifestyles. 

 

Extremely self-reliant, you set very high standards of conduct and decorum for yourself, and you expect others with whom you associate to be that way, too. When you feel that those around you are unworthy or behaving badly, you withdraw, preferring solitude rather than associating with those who might besmirch your reputation.

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2021年 11 19号 星期五 热 Mood: 5

 

Dear Cloud, ET's emo night....is it because of Venus Retrograde?

 

安静 (Live) - 李圣杰
词:周杰伦
曲:周杰伦
原唱:周杰伦
編曲:Terence Teo
大提琴:徐沛(乐队)
钢琴:达日丹(乐队)


只剩下钢琴陪我谈了一天
睡着的大提琴
安静的旧旧的
我想你已表现得非常明白
我懂我也知道
你没有舍不得


你说你也会难过我不相信
牵着你陪着我 也只是曾经
希望他是真的 比我还要爱你
我才会逼自己离开


你要我说多难堪
我根本不想分开

为什么还要我用微笑来带过
我没有这种天份
包容你也接受他
不用担心得太多
我会一直好好过


你已经远远离开
我也会慢慢走开
为什么我连分开都迁就着你
我真的没有天份
安静得没这么快
我会学着放弃你
是因为我太爱你


你说你也会难过我不相信
牵着你陪着我也只是曾经
希望他是真的比我还要爱你
我才会逼自己离开


你要我说多难堪
我根本不想分开
为什么还要我用微笑来带过
我没有这种天份
包容你也接受他
不用担心得太多
我会一直好好过


你已经远远离开
我也会慢慢走开
为什么我连分开都迁就着你
我真的没有天份
安静得没这么快
我会学着放弃你


是因为
是因为
我太爱你

 

 

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2021年 11 23号 星期二 凉 Mood: 4.5

 

Dear Cloud, too much on ET platter now and he has no brain capacity to write, music... its melody and lyrics.... a reflection of his current being, its well with his soul....... 

 

*on caption for English subtitles. 

 

手放开

作词:十方
作曲:方文良

我把自己关起来只留下一个阳台
每当天黑推开窗我对着夜幕发呆
看着往事 一幕一幕 再次演出你我的爱

我把电视机打开听着别人的对白
也许那些故事可以给我一个交代
你要的爱 我学不来 眼睁睁看情变坏 人怔怔看情感慨

不能给你未来 我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待 当眼泪流下来
伤已超载 分开也是另一种明白
我给你最后的疼爱是手放开
不要一张双人床中间隔着一片海


感情的污点就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋
最后的疼爱是手放开
不想用言语拉扯所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台 有人走 有人来
我的心是一个站牌 写着等待

我把收音机打开听着别人的失败
哽咽的声音仿佛诉说着相同悲哀
你的依赖 还在胸怀 我无法轻易推开 我无法随便走开
感情中专心的人容易被伤害

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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@2110hrs

 

Senior Political Correspondent

 

As LGBTQ attitudes change, Govt too will consider policy adjustments: Lawrence Wong

 

SINGAPORE - It is entirely legitimate that different groups with different lived realities will organise themselves to promote their own interests, as that is part of how society becomes more open and diverse, said Minister for Finance Lawrence Wong.

 

But he cautioned against taking a confrontational or aggressive approach that seeks maximum entitlements and rights vis-a-vis other groups, or tribes, saying that such an attitude will lead to political tribalism, in which groups close ranks and become insular. This has happened around the world and will quickly erode trust among people.

 

Instead, it needs to be a two-way process with both sides subscribing to norms of reciprocity and mutual benefit, he said. "If you're all talking, pushing, no one is listening. I think we are not having a proper conversation," Mr Wong said during a dialogue at the Institute of Policy Studies and S. Rajaratnam School of International Studies' Conference on Identity. "So the calls for engagement, I think can work if we are committed, not just to a process of advocacy, but also a process of engagement, listening, compromise, negotiation, and constantly expanding our common space."

 

In the session moderated by former ambassador Ong Keng Yong, Mr Wong also spoke about the Government's approach to lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender and queer (LGBTQ) issues.

Some members of the audience pointed out that some tribes, such as LGBTQ Singaporeans, had no leverage and could not engage on an equal footing with others.

 

Acknowledging these sentiments, Mr Wong said people have very strong views on sexual orientation and gender identity, and this is the case all over the world.

 

"But I would say to LGBTQ groups that the attitudes are not static, they are shifting," he added, noting that the Government frequently engages people, including those from LGBTQ and religious groups, about the issue.

 

"It's very clear (that) sentiment and attitudes are shifting, especially among young people, but also shifting for the whole of society."

 

This shows that conversations are not futile, he said, adding: "It's not as though things will be static forever.

 

"As these attitudes and sentiments shift, society will have to think about where the balance might be. And the Government, too, will have to consider what balance would be appropriate for society and what policies we might have to adjust."

 

During the session, Mr Wong had cited the change in rules to allow singles to buy Housing Board flats as an example of how policies had evolved to reflect the stronger desire for fairness as society matures.

He said that while policies will be adjusted, it would not be possible to accommodate all of the requests of different groups, and stressed that trade-offs would have to be made.

He noted that in the United States, culture wars between different groups have eroded the trust between people.

 

Urging Singaporeans to keep faith with one another, he said: "When people lose faith with each other, it is very hard to hold a country together. And so what we must ensure is that even with these multiple identities that may take root in Singapore, we should never demonise one another."

 

On its part, the Government will strive to be a fair and honest broker in conversations between the different tribes, and will listen to all sides of the debate, he pledged.

 

He said: "We will attempt to understand how attitudes and mindsets are shifting because they will shift over time. It's not a static position.

 

"And as we do that, where there are policy decisions to be made, we will strive to find the appropriate policy setting. In some instances, we may decide after lengthy deliberation and discussion to make adjustments to our policies."

 

Credit: As LGBTQ attitudes change, Govt too will consider policy adjustments: Lawrence Wong, Politics News & Top Stories - The Straits Times 

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2021年 11 26号 星期五 凉 Mood: 5

 

Dear Cloud, ET is working through the night on the new task he spoke the other day. Thankfully things are on track and he will be able to meet the deadline just in time before Christmas. The following song is what ET loves to listen and sing alot. Hopefully the KTVs will soon be open upon the next loosening of restriction phase. Yes Cloud, ET is Sam Lee's fan because most of his songs touches ET's heart.

 

*On caption for loose translation in English.

 

 

眼底星空

 

作词:十方
作曲:李圣杰/蔡伯南

妳好喜欢看我眼睛 妳说是宇宙的缩影
只要没有分离 天气晴 能看见星星
我努力爱妳宠妳调整自己

我是邻居还是伴侣 时间带来残忍结局
在爱情的隔壁住友情 界线太锐利
对不起 就一刀切开所有亲密

眼底星空 流星开始坠落
每一滴眼泪说着妳要好好走
转过身跌入黑洞
看着天长地久变两种漂泊
男人流泪比流血加倍心痛

眼底星空 流星跌落手中
我紧紧握著抬头向上天祈求
愿妳先找到温柔
有人包扎伤口也挡住寂寞
谢谢妳陪我陪爱 听雨追风

用三年去维系感情
用三秒钟结束关系
剩回忆能回去能温习能把妳抱紧
就算爱烧成灰烬扬起变乌云
谢谢他给你给爱另一个星空

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2021年 11 27号 星期六 凉 Mood: 5

 

Dear Cloud, ET is glad that it rained just now to cool down the hot weather yesterday. As he was working smart for his task, he feels tired yet he sees meaning to it. He is doing some research on Metaverse and there are many new discoveries that awed him. Will ET wish to be involved in this? He is unsure though ET is an Extra-Terrestrial an alien that is out of this planet. Haha... What an irony Cloud, this is what home grown Singapore ET is feeling now, so foreign to this land where he is being nurtured and grow up in. Perhaps, Metaverse can potentially be an antidote?

 

(re-edit 29/11/2021: ET realized he posted the incorrect video)

 

 

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2021年 11 29号 星期一 热 Mood: 5

 

Dear Diary, this is how ET feels after a long string of messages....... speechless. 

 

Speech: “All the world’s a stage

(from As You Like It, spoken by Jaques)
All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms;
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress’ eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon’s mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lin’d,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper’d pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well sav’d, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion;
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

 

*On caption for loose translation in English.

 

 

演员

作词:薛之谦
作曲:薛之谦
编曲:Andy Wang

简单点 说话的方式简单点
递进的情绪请省略
你又不是个演员
别设计那些情节

没意见 我只想看看你怎么圆
你难过的太表面 像没天赋的演员
观众一眼能看见

该配合你演出的我 演视而不见
在逼一个最爱你的人 即兴表演
什么时候我们开始 收起了底线
顺应时代的改变 看那些拙劣的表演

可你曾经那么爱我 干嘛演出细节
我该变成什么样子 才能延缓厌倦
原来当爱放下防备后的这些那些
才是考验

没意见 你想怎样我都随便
你演技也有限 又不用说感言
分开就平淡些

该配合你演出的我 演视而不见
别逼一个最爱你的人 即兴表演
什么时候我们开始 没有了底线
顺着别人的谎言 被动就不显得可怜

可你曾经那么爱我 干嘛演出细节
我该变成什么样子 才能配合出演
原来当爱放下防备后的这些那些
都有个期限

其实台下的观众就我一个
其实我也看出你有点不舍
场景也习惯我们来回拉扯
还计较著什么

其实说分不开的也不见得
其实感情最怕的就是拖着
越演到重场戏越哭不出了
是否还值得

该配合你演出的我 尽力在表演
像情感节目里的嘉宾 任人挑选
如果还能看出我有爱你的那面
请剪掉那些情节 让我看上去体面
可你曾经那么爱我 干嘛演出细节
不在意的样子是我最后的表演
是因为爱你我才选择表演 这种成全

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2021年 12 01号 星期三 热 Mood: 5 / Caffeine intake: Kopi-O Kosong

 

Dear Cloud, ET is taking a breather from the task he is doing right now (not ciggy for sure). Though he feel stressed but its a good one because it motivates him somehow. His caffeine intake increases as well but he would ensure he took it only once every other day. The task ET is embarking on has allowed him to understand the technology and engineering sector better. Again ET feels that he maybe unsuitable to take on any roles and responsibilities in that sector itself.  Its too dry, technical and too many jargons to begin with. Not something ET at an age of 43 will wish to commit into. But somehow there is this "21yo son" lurking around in him that showed interest. Oh well, its really for the mature ET to decide what he wish to do at the end of the day, bearing in mind that though his soul is still strong, his body is weak. Nonetheless, ET still find it useful for future uses in other areas of work so that he will not be conned and scammed easily. Haha. 

 

Another thing that is lurking around is the new Omicron virus, Cloud seriously ET is getting fatigue of all these what nots. His Whatsapp and Telegram chat group are flooded with the latest development of the virus, the old and the new. Nowadays, ET is very selective on what he is reading, listening or watching. He will not allow those news to bombard him but he has a choice to visit them as and when instead. He feels that this will keep his sane during this period especially when the 2022 Astrology predictions stated that the situations will worsen as time passes. So do expect more ripples, waves and even Tsunami to come. As what ET often tell his contacts and friends, just take these predictions as references, prepare for the worst and make the wisest choices as one navigates in this chaotic world.

 

Ok, Cloud.... ET is returning to his task and a nature bath at 5-ish 6pm. 🙂 

 

 

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2021年 12 03号 星期五 热 Mood: 5

Caffeine intake 02.12.21: Kopi O Kosong & Teh O less sugar

 

Dear Cloud, ET is still in a busy mode for his task/assignment (whatever) but he feels fresh and motivated because it is 60% of his subject interest. He cannot stress more that ikigai, (a purpose, passion and interest) is so important to keep him align and humble in life. There were a few times, ET has lost a sense of himself, his purposes, his direction..... yet, often there were people who came into ET's life to remind him not to forget why he is still alive till today despite the road traffic accident he encountered 21yrs ago. There were also a few times where he almost lost his life due to either undesirable indulgences and medical ailments. ET may not be living in poverty or hunger but he has his own sets of challenges trying his best to stay consistent and congruent within the different parts in him in this harsh and merciless world full of sxxt and crap.

 

Cloud, seriously ET does not know what future lies ahead of him. As much as Astrology can predicts the future but it also depends on how ET makes his choices and navigates his ecological system at those defining moments. He feels exhausted yet wish advance. He hopes that he can continue to meet people who are like or/and different minded so that he can be a better version of himself as years passes him by.

 

According to ET monthly Astrology outlook, there may be a possibility that he will bump into someone who once matter to him in his life. The first person who came to ET's mind.....yes that is him. He believes Cloud knows who he is referring to. So its the third day of December, exactly 28 days more. So what if ET bumps into him? How will he react to his presence, will he once again avoid ET like a plague? He did that three times previously and will he do it again? All these thoughts just came flooding to ET's mind last night. But thankfully he did not think and feel too much of it and went straight to his slumber land pretty early.  And what if ET did not bump into him as what was stated in the Astrology? Then perhaps this person no longer matters to ET or he has never be "a matter" to him after all? Lol. 

 

Hmmmm does this make any sense to you, Cloud? 

 

梅花三弄
作词:琼瑶
作曲:陈志远
编曲:陈志远

红尘自有痴情种
莫笑痴情太痴狂
若非一番寒彻骨
哪得梅花扑鼻香

问世间情为何物
直叫人生死相许
看人间多少故事
最销魂梅花三弄

[口白]
梅花一弄断人肠
梅花二弄费思量
梅花三弄风波起
云烟深处水茫茫

红尘自有痴情种
莫笑痴情太痴狂
若非一番寒彻骨
哪得梅花扑鼻香

[口白]
问世间情为何物
直叫人生死相许
看人间多少故事
最销魂梅花三弄
Edited by amuse.ed
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2021年 12 04号 星期六 凉 Mood: 5

Caffeine intake 03.12.21: Kopi Xi less sugar & Teh less sugar

 

Dear Cloud, ET is delighted because he managed to meet the deadline for the task he did. He is now a partial freeman and he is focusing on the next assignment that he is embarking on. Most full time workers will be either clearing their leave, on holidays or their lull period now, waiting for the Christmas and New Year. ET is glad that he did not seek for nicotine even though it can be quite stressful for him with the commitment he has on hand now. Ok, ET's brain capacity is almost full for the day, time for ET to recharge, an upbeat song will do the trick. Have a good weekend, Cloud. 

 

 

超快感   作词:李焯雄/包小松
作曲:包小柏
编曲:包小松

感觉对了我要出发 用我自己的步伐
告别所有旧的想法 别害怕 不像话 你怕了吗 还怀疑吗

放开一切体会变化 是否就是情绪化
被爱迷惑不上不下 够了吧 算了吧 说真心话 你善良吗

*往前追 不后退 I Feel So Good 快提高分贝
 为了爱 把速度都加倍

 没有人跟幸福作对 没有时间浪费
 做好全部心理准备 心跳起飞
 不能放弃随便撤退 每次爱的机会
 心在醉 心在飞 我敢追
 爱就是超快感 利落干脆 * 不会累

Repeat *

没有人会作对 没有时间浪费 做好准备 心跳起飞
不放弃不撤退 每次爱的机会 心在醉 心在飞 我敢追
爱就是 超快感 俐落干脆 不会累

感觉对了我要出发
 
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2021年 12 05号 星期日 凉 Mood: 5

Caffeine intake 04.12.21: Kopi Xi no sugar

 

Dear Cloud, ET slept at around 9ish and woke up at 5.30am. Tried to return to sleep but unable to, decided to browse his FB and read this writing by Mordyquotes. Here and now, 活在当下 is what he first thought of after reading. Cloud, ET asked himself if such interpretation on past and present too idealistic? Does it reflects his realities in life? If ET really follows what was stated, is he sweeping things under the carpet? Why ET feels no peace and stress after reading it? Something for him to reflect.

 

Credit: Mordyqoutes 

 

Leave the past in the past, it came to pass not to stay, live for what today has to offer, not what yesterday has taken away.

 

Two things make us sad: Living in the past and comparing our life with others.

 

Why worry about the past that you can't change?

 

Why compare your life with someone who is not you?

 

Why live in regrets and miss the blessings today brings and tomorrow promises?

 

If you want to be happy, do not dwell in the past, do not worry about the future, focus on living your life fully in the present.

 

One day you will look back and realize that you worried too much about things that won't really matter in the years to come.

 

The past is past, those who dwell in the past don't last, their present fade very fast.

 

Your past was part of the process, it is not you. Do not have regrets about how it turned out, or the mistakes you made. Your worry and regrets won't change what is done.

 

And when anyone tries to remind you of what you did wrong in the past, simply tell them you don't live there anymore.


You've moved on and living fully today is all that now matters to you!

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2021年 12 07号 星期二 热 Mood: 5

Caffeine intake 05.12.21: Yuan Yang / 06.12.21: Nil 

 

Dear Cloud, ET went on a no laptop day on Sun and Mon. He explored a local rustic corner. Interestingly, he found a food that was the closest to his childhood favorites. In fact, this food is a very common dish in Singapore but to have it closest to what ET loves.... is a rare find. ET recalled how often his parents will bring him to the location where he would be there almost for an entire day to play with his play mates. That location still exits and has since been renovated. A few stalls from the past are still there and handed over to their next generation.  ET learnt from his parents that the dish he loves has discontinued almost 25 years ago because of the passing of the stall owner.

 

As ET tasted the dish, he was pleasantly surprised, he approached the stall assistant and asked if the dish he tasted is from 2nd or 3rd generation from the past location. He re-directed me to the stall owner and as the owner and ET eyes met, ET's heart skipped a-bit. Yes, Cloud that's the feeling that ET has long disconnected from his world. As ET saw the owner's wedding band, his overwhelmed infatuation disappeared immediately. Oh well..... anyway back to the food, ET has always enjoys eating his "at peace food". Food that brings him the peace. There are a few of them that ET will always run to whenever he needs some peace and comfort emotionally (via gastronomically means). Hmm.... ET hopes that one day he can curates all these food recipes and perhaps open a small eatery tucks at a small corner of Singapore, serving them at an affordable price and to brave overcomers who are singles and facing challenges in life....Yes Diary you read it wise....  singles individuals or a group strictly NO families especially those with loud and wailing children. Hmmm maybe ET can call the stall name B.O.F.L.C? Sounded like a football league club isn't it? Cloud if you know of any eatery that exist in Singapore with such concept, do let ET know, ok?

 

 

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2021年 12 08号 星期三 凉 Mood: 5

Caffeine intake 07.12.21: Kopi-O Kosong & Chinese Tea

 

Dear Cloud, ET wonders any reason for him to often bump into people that he feels uncomfortable.... what he meant is those who are carrying "mysterious, dubious or low negative energies" with them. He is reminded that negativism not only can be transferred to another with speech but also in text. As an Empath, ET is sensitive to the body languages and even the way a sentence is being structured because it can either bring joy or irk him. That is how sensitive ET is. Anyway, back to any reasons for him to bump into people of a certain traits..... ET feels that perhaps Universe did like to put him through tests on how he is going to response to such people. Cloud, honestly in the past ET will just accept, accommodate or worst aligned to that person's narratives but that often comes with certain repercussions and consequences, mostly bad ones. And certainly it did not provide the peace ET has been seeking after. 

 

So for this past few years, ET decided to do things differently. He voiced out his concerns and miraculously the result was almost immediate, the other person(s) would revealed their true colours almost immediately..... so it literally cut short the time for 日久见人心 and 原形毕露. Somehow ET feels that peace in him because he has successfully remove this person(s) out of his life and no longer he will be drained by them, energetically. Some people may judged ET for being harsh but if a person is being manipulated, gaslight etc for the Nth years, then he has every reason to assert and protect himself. That of course comes with a pretext that the person(s) has crossed that line of ET and pushed all the incorrect buttons of his. Hopefully by doing so, the energy or frequency that ET emitted will no longer attracts person of such undesirable profiles and traits.  With that he keeps his fingers crossed.

 

Cloud, ET came across this statement from an unknown source that resonates with him. His wish that he will be able to attain that form of cultivation and revelation soon

 

"你要相信当你修为到某个程度的时候,你身边心术不正的人也会远离你。就算不能完全远离你,他们也伤害不到你。因为当你站的楼层越高时,你看垃圾也会成为风景"

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2021年 12 10号 星期五  Mood: 5

Caffeine intake- 

08.12.21: lemongrass and panda tea

09.12.21: Kopi O Kosong

 

Dear Cloud, its confirm now that ET needs at least one dose of caffeine daily. As he is still medicated, he will take his caffeine in the morning and med at night to space ou the timing. The withdrawal of not have caffeine is pretty obvious- giddiness. That sets ET thinking any reason for his brain to function in this manner. Can brain chemicals be the culprit so there maybe a high possibility that there can be an imbalance of it, isn't it Cloud? ET has to concur that the brain is a the most complex body organ but brain chemical imbalances.... quite doubtful about it. The brain is so unfathomable and even most of the professionals have no certainty of things as well. 

 

ET spent some time alone these two days just to do things he enjoys. He is not going to touch his laptop over the weekend as well. In fact he is typing this content via his smartphone right now. Its an excellent time for him to contemplate on matters especially what has happened after he made the decision to stay nicotine free. Cloud... you know how ET can often over think or be too overly sensitive on things but that's him bah and it's all reflected in his birth chart. What to do? So this time round it will be an indepth reflection for him and hopefully to plan out health and wellness strategies for 2022 as well. 

 

Astrobiology... it be 人定胜天 or otherwise? Something for ET to mull over. Have a good weekend Cloud. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

2021年 12 18号 星期六  Mood: 5

 

Dear Cloud, ET feels like his worst days could be over but he did like to avoid being too overly optimistic as well. He has been following the caffeine and med routine for the past one week and it seems to work somehow for him. ET also believes that the turning point could be after ET has completed his task required. The task has made ET realised that he can definitely focus on his ikigai and excel on it.

 

Cloud could all these be tantamount to self empowerment? Alot of self enrichment courses out there focuses on the 5W and 1H of self awareness, pity, discrimination alot but little is spoken about Empowerment. What does it entails? How about for ET to use the PEACE abbreviation again. So in order to achieve self empower, one has to.....

 

PLUNGE and focus on the ikigai 

EMAPTHISE all parts in oneself (IFS based)

AGILE to any rosy or roasted situations

CONSISTENT with one's head heart and hand

EMBRACE life realities, regardless 

 

There is another possibility that it is the EMDR sessions ET has been attending as well in which he has yet to share much on it because ET feels that he has to experience it fully in order he can make any comments to you Cloud. He wish to be as genuine and as credible as possible. While Cognitive Behavioural Therapy no longer works for him, he really hoped EMDR could possibly be next that works. Have a marvelous weekend Cloud. 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2021年 12 22号 星期三  Mood: 5 

 

Bro D, you told ET before this is one of your favourite songs. Honestly, ET was in shock when you left. As he sat down and listened to this song attentively, it brought back fond memories. He did like to choose to believe that you are in a much better place now. 兄弟,下辈子再续缘吧。

 

城里的月光

作词:陈佳明
作曲:陈佳明

每颗心上某一个地方
总有个记忆挥不散
每个深夜某一个地方
总有着最深的思量
世间万千的变幻
爱把有情的人分两端
心若知道灵犀的方向
那怕不能够朝夕相伴

城里的月光把梦照亮
请温暖他心房
看透了人间聚散
能不能多点快乐片段
城里的月光把梦照亮
请守护它身旁
若有一天能重逢
让幸福撒满整个夜晚

每颗心上某一个地方
总有个记忆挥不散
每个深夜某一个地方
总有着最深的思量
世间万千的变幻
爱把有情的人分两端
心若知道灵犀的方向
那怕不能够朝夕相伴

城里的月光把梦照亮
请温暖他心房
看透了人间聚散
能不能多点快乐片段
城里的月光把梦照亮
请守护它身旁
若有一天能重逢
让幸福撒满整个夜晚

城里的月光把梦照亮
请温暖他心房
看透了人间聚散
能不能多点快乐片段
城里的月光把梦照亮
请守护它身旁
若有一天能重逢
让幸福撒满整个夜晚
若有一天能重逢
让幸福撒满整个夜晚

 

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2021年 12 24号 星期  Mood: 5 

 

Dear Cloud, ET believed he dreamt but it was not vivid enough for him to remember and now he may have insomnia. Anyway, ET has finalized his plans to wean off his meds for the fourth time, yes Cloud you heard it right, fourth time. Cloud you may ask ET.... how different will it be this time round? Seriously, ET has no answers to that at this juncture. His Psychiatrist did suggested that he should continue his current dosage for another 6 months before the wean off. But ET thought that he is ready and he insisted, he is thankful that his Psychiatrist agreed to it. ET was told that everyone's weaning off journey is different in which ET agrees. In his opinion, there are certainly things that he need to adhere in which he will call it PEACE again. No action verbs this time just terms to remind ET what to look out for.

 

1) Physic: Exercise at least three times per week, 30mins, hit the gym if possible

2) Emotion: Self control and regulation are much needed for this

3) Agile: Be flexible and adaptable at both the best and worst situation

4) Compliance: Comply to his routines and the ikigai goals that he has set for himself

5) Envision: Move and look forward, ET's history serves as a lesson for him to learn from, least dwelling on it

 

The med wean off will starts off every alt days -- every 3 other days --- every 4 other days so on and so forth. And it was mutually agreed between him and the Psychiatrist to work on this plan. ET was also reminded to look out for stressors and be mindful of signs or symptoms of relapses. Cloud, but ET also has something in mind, an issue that has been bugging him for the past 21 yrs since he was being diagnosed. He wonders if he is in any position to support himself on this. Anyway he shall take one day at a time, bearing in mind that there are other projects and personal issues he needs to achieve and settle. With that he is at peace. 

 

As for D who had passed on recently, ET really has no time to grieve back then because he was rushing for his deadline. He did like D to know that he misses D's megawatt smile and friendly demeanor exuded whenever both of them meet. Though both of them wasn't BFF, the best of friends forever however there were a few things that they shared in common- their love for KTV singing and Chinese Pop songs of the late 80s and 90s. ET would always remember the places they visited as well in which surprised, amazed and amused both of them.

 

Ok Cloud, ET is finally feeling sleepy, time to return to the slumber land.

 

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2021年 12 28号 星期二  Mood: 5 

 

Dear Cloud, how have you been? Its has been 3 days after Christmas and ET is glad that he did not return to his nicotine. There were different exposures intentionally and unintentionally yet ET has little temptations to that. As for alcohol, he was told that its good to drink a little however ET still feels that he needs to abstain from it regardless. ET is delighted that he is on track, of course when two are missing there will be a replacement so ET reckoned that it is food. To address this issue, he has plans to compile his dad's heirloom recipes and cook for the family, and that will take place next year prior to Chinese New Year.

 

Cloud remembered ET stated that according to Astrology, there could be a possibility that the people whom he interacted in the past may re-visit him? Lo and behold it came true, he bumped into people that left an impression in him since age 21. As each of them appeared periodically over the past two weeks. ET is pretty zen about it. some he choose to nod his head, smile and acknowledged, a few he would ignore, ET feels that the determinant factor for him to say hi is the energy and vibes that the other party exuded as well. Univrese, ET hopes that he will no longer bump into someone familiar so intensively in the future. It can exhausted him. 

 

Anyway ET just wish to move on and progress to his next phase of his life. Those people were just passer-by. How about X? ET hopes that he will never get to meet or bump to him again but who knows if the Universe may deem appropriate they will meet at the same cross pavement where he last ignore ET that made him decided to dissociate him from then on. Hope X will be alone by then and not with someone else so that he has no excuses not to acknowledge ET. Haha. Oh well, the show must still goes on isn't it, Cloud. Ok time to get busy, ET wishes you an awesome day. 

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2021年 12 30号 星期四 热 Mood: 5

 

Dear Cloud, as you know this year is a year of vindications for ET. First it was his past employment issue, next was the re-classification of his mental health disorder (MHD). In fact, ET has been thinking if there will be a day where he will be vindicated from his MHD as well. Cloud, honestly if you will ask ET- has he reconcile and accept the fact that he has a MHD, his reply will still be this "if ET deems that he suffers NO MHD to begin with, what are there to reconcile and accept?" ET sees himself as a HSP and according to his birth natal chart, he is born like this, vulnerable to emotions turmoil, addictions etc. ET also thinks that he is born into a very different systems that diminishes and are least appreciative and supportive of his skills, talents and intelligence. Hence, he was labelled as such. 

 

As ET reflected upon his past, there were "major-est" milestones in his life: 

 

1985 -- 1994 An overcomer of school bullying

1990 -- 1994 An overcomer of sexual assault

2000 -- Met an traffic accident, his first near death experience

2001 -- Diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar Disorder (BD)

2009 -- Came out of closet to the gay community

2014 -- First heart wrenching unrequited love experience

2021 -- Medical reclassifications of from BD to Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

 

ET is not here to garner any pity or sympathy but to highlight the importance of having to address pertaining or even worse perpetuating issues that are taking place in the society even till today. There are children out there still being abuse and bullied, people who experience life stressors and diagnose MHDs, discrimination and stigmatization of people with MHDs and LGBTQI community. Where have all the individual and collective wisdoms of humans gone to? Any reasons for the humans to still be in unrest, discord, disagreements and unacceptance for another after all these centuries?

 

After experiencing the histories and the current pandemic plus seeing how the entire world revolve around it.... he again, can only reiterate and conclude one thing:-

 

"All men are born evil. They are constantly on this life journey to pursue peace, integrity, compassion and kindness"

 

There is a Chinese saying that depicts, it only takes 3 days to be wayward and 3 years to learn to do good. Humans have always had the tendency to choose to stay in their comfort zones and take the easiest way out in life. In fact, ET thinks that it just take a split second to be wayward no need 3 days. 

 

Is ET in a hypomania or mania mode now? Cloud, you decides. And yes, ET admits that he is born evil and constantly on a PICK mode, unlearning, relearning and learning. 

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2021年 12 31号 星期五 凉 Mood: 5

 

Dear Cloud ET is typing this after his dinner with K and H. He feels at peace now as he crosses over the new year. 2022 and yes he is going to be 44 yrs old. ET is definitely looking forward for a healthier version of him, holistically. He also wishes to leave whatever past behind him and move forth. Farewell 2021, hello 2022. 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2022年 1 01号 星期六 雨

 

Dear Coud ET did alot of his first today. His first nature walk in the morning and what not. He felt refresh for the entire day and its time to enter to his slumber land. No craving for alcohol and nicotine. Good night, Cloud and have a Blissful 2022.

 

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2022年 1 02号 星期天 长命雨

Dear Cloud, it's raining cats and dogs now and ET is trapped somewhere out there. A place where all the perhaps lonely souls gathered. All he can hear now is the tapping of the rain. He held up his usual hot water, hoping that it can somehow warmth his heart on this rainy day. ET has experienced EMDR for the past two to three months and what has happened to him surprised him. The process was pretty fast, all he knew was for the past two weeks he has been going for exercising and nature walks, immersed himself in forest bath and his usual mind ritual.

 

Next thing he knew, after some discussion, the therapist has informed him that the EMDR session had to stop prior to the desensitise phase because he is unable to continue without ET having any negative cognitions in relation to his aftermath of the traffic accident that took place in Nov 2000. At least the safe ground was established and whatever ET has any issues or flashbacks he can activate the word and the picture that signifies that. Cloud do you know what's that word? Yes. the word is PEACE. 

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