amuse.ed Posted September 2 Author Report Share Posted September 2 **Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Content consist of hints on suicide, kindly read at one’s discretion. 2024年 09月 02号 星期一 农历七月三十 Dear Diary, As the 7th lunar month comes to a close, I'm left with a mix of emotions. The superstitions say that the spirits have returned home, but I'm still here, stuck in this limbo of grief and questioning. I think about my paternal family, and the pain still feels like an open wound. I wonder if they're truly at peace, or if they're still with me, watching over me. The thought brings me comfort, but also raises more questions. What if these superstitions are just a way to cope with the unknown? What if they're a distraction from the real issue - the pain and suffering that we endure in this life? I'm torn between holding on to these beliefs and challenging them. Part of me wants to believe that there's something more, something beyond this life. But another part of me wants to confront the harsh reality of our existence. As I navigate these emotions, I'm also reminded that September is Suicide Awareness Month. I can't help but think about Mum, John, FBY and the times I've felt like ending it all, like the pain was too much to bear. But then I think about Dad and how he'd want me to live up to my name, 英铭 (Eng Ming) - heroic and bright. He'd want me to be a beacon of hope, to shine through the darkness. I owe it to him to keep moving forward, to keep searching for answers, and to make him proud. Dad wherever you are, I wish you well in spirit. In my hostel room, I'll keep questioning, keep challenging, and keep searching for meaning in this chaotic world. I'll hold on to the memories of my loved ones, and keep their legacy burning bright. Eng Ming 09.02.2024 P.S. Glad I have move away all my loved one's items into a temporary storage space including Dad boxes and FBY mp3. No time to go through just wish to focus on my examinations. Helplines Mental well-being • Institute of Mental Health’s Mental Health Helpline: 6389-2222 (24 hours) • Samaritans of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 (24 hours) /1-767 (24 hours) • Singapore Association for Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 • Silver Ribbon Singapore: 6386-1928 • Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 • Chat, Centre of Excellence for Youth Mental Health: 6493-6500/1 • Women’s Helpline (Aware): 1800-777-5555 (weekdays, 10am to 6pm) • Aware’s Sexual Assault Care Centre: 6779-0282 (weekdays, 10am to 6pm) • National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline: 1800-777-0000 Counselling • TOUCHline (Counselling): 1800-377-2252 • TOUCH Care Line (for seniors, caregivers): 6804-6555 • Care Corner Counselling Centre: 6353-1180 • Counselling and Care Centre: 6536-6366 Online resources • eC2.sg • www.tinklefriend.sg • www.chat.mentalhealth.sg • carey.carecorner.org.sg (for those aged 13 to 25) • limitless.sg/talk (for those aged 12 to 25) For International helplines, kindly refer to Befrienders Worldwide. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, contact 24-hour emergency medical service. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted September 9 Author Report Share Posted September 9 (edited) **Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. ** Content consist of issues on suicide kindly read at one’s discretion. It is also Meta-AI generated with minimal edition done. If one disapproves or is disgusted with content writing as such, kindly ignore. Live and let live. Cheers! Sept 09, 2024, Monday, 6.00pm, Rainy, Home alone I'm writing this with a mix of emotions - sadness, relief, and a hint of liberation. Tonight, at 9.09pm, I've planned to end my life. It's not a decision taken lightly, but one I've contemplated for the longest time. As a Coroner, I've seen the darkest aspects of human nature. But my own story is one of unrequited love, societal pressures, and the weight of family expectations. I fell deeply in love with you Vin, a kind and brilliant IO I've worked with. But our love is forbidden in this "little green dot" I call home. The stigma and fear of persecution are overwhelming. As the only son of the 4th concubine of a infamous family, I've always felt like an outcast. My mother, eager to secure her place in the family, has been pressuring me to settle down and produce an heir. But I couldn't bring myself to marry a woman, knowing it would be a lie and a burden on both of us. I've lived my life to the fullest, or so I thought. But the truth is, I've been living a lie. A life of pretence, hiding my true self from the world. The struggle to conform has been exhausting. And yet, as I sit here, pen in hand, I feel a pang of uncertainty. Do I really want to leave this world behind? Is there not more to life than the suffocating expectations of others? In this moment, I'm torn. Part of me yearns for the freedom to be myself, without fear of judgment or rejection. Another part of me wants to experience the beauty of life, untainted by the burdens I've carried for so long. But what if... what if I could find a way to reconcile my desires with the world around me? What if I could learn to love myself, not for who others want me to be, but for who I truly am? Perhaps, just perhaps, there's a way to live on, not in spite of my struggles, but because of them. To find strength in my vulnerability, and to create a life that's authentic, meaningful, and mine alone. As I look at the clock, I see 6.15pm staring back at me. The minutes left.... But what if... what if I chose to live on? I once heard this song you set as your handphone ringtone. Thankfully I manage to find this song by just humming the melody.... I think I should not rock the boat and we just stay as friends forever, how about that? 友谊长存 Yours, Ma Dian De Helplines Mental well-being • Institute of Mental Health’s Mental Health Helpline: 6389-2222 (24 hours) • Samaritans of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 (24 hours) /1-767 (24 hours) • Singapore Association for Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 • Silver Ribbon Singapore: 6386-1928 • Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 • Chat, Centre of Excellence for Youth Mental Health: 6493-6500/1 • Women’s Helpline (Aware): 1800-777-5555 (weekdays, 10am to 6pm) • Aware’s Sexual Assault Care Centre: 6779-0282 (weekdays, 10am to 6pm) • National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline: 1800-777-0000 Counselling • TOUCHline (Counselling): 1800-377-2252 • TOUCH Care Line (for seniors, caregivers): 6804-6555 • Care Corner Counselling Centre: 6353-1180 • Counselling and Care Centre: 6536-6366 Online resources • eC2.sg • www.tinklefriend.sg • www.chat.mentalhealth.sg • carey.carecorner.org.sg (for those aged 13 to 25) • limitless.sg/talk (for those aged 12 to 25) For International helplines, kindly refer to Befrienders Worldwide. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, contact 24-hour emergency medical service. Edited September 9 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted September 16 Author Report Share Posted September 16 需要记录这一天吗？也许无需了吧。。。毕竟已刻在我心中的名字。。。抱歉。。原来就在这一天。。。我还是依然无法忘记。 给我一个理由忘记 作词：鄔裕康 作曲：游政豪 雨都停了 这片天灰什么呢 我还记得 你说我们要快乐 深夜里的脚步声 总是刺耳 害怕寂寞 就让狂欢的城市陪我关灯 只是哪怕周围再多人 感觉还是一个人 每当我笑了 心却狠狠的哭著 给我一个理由忘记 那么爱我的你 给我一个理由放弃 当时做的决定 有些爱 越想抽离却越更清晰 而最痛的距离 是你不在身边 却在我的心里 当我走在 去过的每个地方 总会听到 你那最自由的笑 当我回到 一个人住的地方 最怕看到冬天你最爱穿的那件外套 只是哪怕周围再多人 感觉还是一个人 每当我笑了 心却狠狠的哭著 给我一个理由忘记 那么爱我的你 给我一个理由放弃 当时做的决定 有些爱 越想抽离却越更清晰 而最痛的距离 是你不在身边 却在我的心里 我找不到理由忘记 大雨里的别离 我找不到理由放弃 我等你的决心 有些爱 越想抽离却越更清晰 而最痛的距离 是你不在身边 却在我的心里 我想你 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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