My Crush Is Straight + Is it wrong to Fall for A Str8 Guy (Compiled)

[HydroNaut]

During my NS recruit days, I had a corporal who is totally cute and nice. He has the nicest smile and the best personality that any recruit could ask for. He is a devote xtian and he don't curse/swear and he talks to you nicely if he needs things to be done. Seeing him and talking to him will make my day.

One time, due to some ghostly rumours, he even spent a nite in our bunk. Before passing-out from BMT I ask him for his contact and he gave me. During my 21st birthday, he and my platoon sergeant was the only 2 person I invited for my party. We lost touch after that.

29 years later, it was by chance I met him again. This time he is much older and still as charming. But he told me that he had become a pastor and will be devoting his life in his believe. I wish him all his best.

 

Hmmm... does his name happened to be close to some Chinese New Year Greetings? Like....Kong Hee Fai Choy? ^_^

[Guest Guest]

Hmmm... does his name happened to be close to some Chinese New Year Greetings? Like....Kong Hee Fai Choy? ^_^

 

LOL!

[Guest Guest]

I have a prob. Discreet guy who confessed to his bro but was rejected obviously but just can't convince myself he's straight.

Part of me wanna give it to him & kiss passionately and another want to kick myself in the balls for thinking of that & wanna keep him as a close, long-term bro. lol fucked up yea? 

[Guest Office]

I worked late with my staff today. I think he is a straight. When we went to toilet he stand at urinal next to me. I wanted to peep at his pubic but was too scare to be too obvious. Later we shared a cab home. I wanted to touch his hand but he sat too far from me. He is a nice petson at work but i am afraid he is just being friendly.

[doublehappiness]

Oh man, I'm having the same feeling now falling for a straight guy who has a girlfriend. I think he suspected today and both of us are getting really awkward communicating together. Any advices? :/ 

Edited August 2, 2013 by doublehappiness

[Guest LostBoy]

Who am I? What do I want?

 

I am hiding, I am very discreet, I am straight acting.

 

Secretly in my heart, I want to be a real man. And I want the affirmation from a straight guy.

 

I love this straight guy so much, and he is my best friend. We are staying together, we go shopping together, we travel together, he brought me home, he brought me to meet all his different circles of friends, verbally he told me I am the best friend he ever has.

 

But I yearn for something more, I want sex with him.

 

But I don't want to be fucked, and it is impossible for him to be fucked. Maybe oral sex will satisfy me, why? because I just want a most intimate moment with him, in order to gain that experience as an affirmation - affirmation of me as a man, strange? ironic? to take that as affirmation?

 

I am not interested in gay acting guys, one very good looking guy tried to tease me, he was stark naked and wanted to join me in bed when we went for an outing, but I was just plain not interested, because he was a bit feminine, although very good looking.

 

Because my best friend is with me most of the time, people inevitably will tease us as couple, I like to be seen as his equal, but I hate to be seen as gay.

 

I like to be naked with men, e.g. in locker room, shower etc, I like the feeling of equal with other men. But I don't like to be approached or stared at by gayish people there.

 

Am I in denial that I am gay through and through?

 

I asked myself, if I am out of the closet, will I be happy? But I feel so sad about myself, because I cannot be who I want to be anymore.

 

I feel like it is full of ironies, it is such a mess.

 

Scold, laugh, advice, all are welcome, this is sincerely how I feel now, maybe some comments might help. Thanks.

[cakeboy]

[Guest Raiden Alpha]

Gay denial and self acceptance stage going on simultaneously. Can be a rough ride for people with in breakable mindset.

It will ease off in time but the question is when?

[Blonde]

I totally feel you bro and I'm letting go slowly.

My heart break a little when I see this.

Good luck to you.

Edited November 6, 2013 by Blonde

[Guest Str act]

I'm not sure how old are you ..

 

however it seems that everything is perfect to have a good companion. but he will never be your lover.

One day he will have his girlfriend and married and ask you to be his best man.

It will break your heart. You will regret that time invested on another guy may have another result.

 

You have to keep exploring and evolve at the same time. 

You have to bear in mind that you cannot have sexual contact with him. You will lose your best friend

Also to note that you are not ready to out to him either.

 

Sexual wise, look for more str act btms. Explore further and bring your urge and desire away , and then you may treat your best friend like a companion than a potential.

 

Chances are he may move on from you to his girlfriend / wife eventually.

And you will want to be his best friend till his girlfriend find you too sticky to him.

 

If you are young like 18 - 24, I had many best str friends and having desire is there.

But If you realised if he knows that you are gay, chances of your circle of friends may know.

 

 

 

[Firday]

same boat, same frequency but I choose the less travel path...is hard ..to try rather never.

[Guest ifeel4you]

I also fell in love with my best friend in high school. I couldn't understand what I was feeling and I didn't see myself as gay at all. In my confusion I stopped being friends with him. I avoided him and ended the friendship without giving an explanation.

 

 

Looking back I regret my decision of distancing myself from him.
Since I am married I know that it is possible to fall for both a woman and a man. I love my wife deeply and even after these many years I still love my best friend. My love for them is different.

 

 

How can you not love someone whom you've been with for 4-14 years of your life? Our earliest friends were boys, the person we probably hang out a lot with is a boy. To establish our identity as boys (and eventually as men) we need to be with other boys.

 

Now I see this as a troubling thing with our youth. They fall in love with their childhood or school buddies and think, "Gosh I must be gay. And I'm probably am a woman at heart." The problem is that It is has been perpetuated in modern society that real men are not suppose to have feelings for other men. That if you love another man then you're probably not a real man.

 

When I fell in love with my friend I also got confused. Society has conditioned us to think that there is something wrong if a man loves another man since a man is suppose to exclusively love a woman. That same conditioning has also got us thinking that if we develop love for another man it must be the same kind of love that a man has for a woman. I'm more inclined to think that the way we love a guy is different from the way we love a woman.
Guys are capable of loving another guy but not in the same manner as a guy would love a woman.

Our first love most likely would be with the same sex.
It is with guys that we hang out all the time (in their houses, in their rooms, showering together, getting dressed in front of each other). It is with guys that we have physical contact most of the time during our youth (contact sports, tickling, etc).
Guys are our first confidants.
I've read a lot of stories of guys getting fond of their classmates, childhood friends and even cousins. Because of this early experience they would wrongly conclude that they are incapable of loving a woman. Our exposure with the opposite sex only comes latter in life, and it is not as intimate as our guy encounters. Can you imagine a sleepover in a girls room, or getting dressed in the same room with a girl?

 

 

Since I got married I understand now, with hindsight, what my feelings for my classmate was.
It was really love. But a different kind of love. I didn't allow it to develop since I ended the relationship because of my confusion.
Love between men is suppose to make both parties develop their masculinity, not effeminize any of the parties involved.

 

It is not sex with your friend that you seek but acknowledgement that he feels the same for you (Sad thing is you will not get that since to say it openly is considered as unmanly). You can't express your true feelings so it becomes highly sexualized.

[Guest LostBoy]

Thanks guys for your replies and advice.

 

same boat, same frequency but I choose the less travel path...is hard ..to try rather never.

What is the less travelled path? Mind to explain?

 

I also fell in love with my best friend in high school. I couldn't understand what I was feeling and I didn't see myself as gay at all. In my confusion I stopped being friends with him. I avoided him and ended the friendship without giving an explanation.

 

 

Looking back I regret my decision of distancing myself from him.
Since I am married I know that it is possible to fall for both a woman and a man. I love my wife deeply and even after these many years I still love my best friend. My love for them is different.

 

 

How can you not love someone whom you've been with for 4-14 years of your life? Our earliest friends were boys, the person we probably hang out a lot with is a boy. To establish our identity as boys (and eventually as men) we need to be with other boys.

 

Now I see this as a troubling thing with our youth. They fall in love with their childhood or school buddies and think, "Gosh I must be gay. And I'm probably am a woman at heart." The problem is that It is has been perpetuated in modern society that real men are not suppose to have feelings for other men. That if you love another man then you're probably not a real man.

 

When I fell in love with my friend I also got confused. Society has conditioned us to think that there is something wrong if a man loves another man since a man is suppose to exclusively love a woman. That same conditioning has also got us thinking that if we develop love for another man it must be the same kind of love that a man has for a woman. I'm more inclined to think that the way we love a guy is different from the way we love a woman.
Guys are capable of loving another guy but not in the same manner as a guy would love a woman.

Our first love most likely would be with the same sex.
It is with guys that we hang out all the time (in their houses, in their rooms, showering together, getting dressed in front of each other). It is with guys that we have physical contact most of the time during our youth (contact sports, tickling, etc).
Guys are our first confidants.
I've read a lot of stories of guys getting fond of their classmates, childhood friends and even cousins. Because of this early experience they would wrongly conclude that they are incapable of loving a woman. Our exposure with the opposite sex only comes latter in life, and it is not as intimate as our guy encounters. Can you imagine a sleepover in a girls room, or getting dressed in the same room with a girl?

 

 

Since I got married I understand now, with hindsight, what my feelings for my classmate was.
It was really love. But a different kind of love. I didn't allow it to develop since I ended the relationship because of my confusion.
Love between men is suppose to make both parties develop their masculinity, not effeminize any of the parties involved.

 

It is not sex with your friend that you seek but acknowledgement that he feels the same for you (Sad thing is you will not get that since to say it openly is considered as unmanly). You can't express your true feelings so it becomes highly sexualized.

You said it so well and eloquently, could you explain more on the difference between loving a man and loving a woman?

 

I did get the acknowledgment when he told me I was his most important and admired friend, he even bragged to his friends that if they could find someone similar they should let him know. I felt so proud and happy knowing that. However, deep in my heart it is like an endless pit, hence thought became eroticised. Now I just remembered after reading your reply.

[Guest ifeel4you]

 

You said it so well and eloquently, could you explain more on the difference between loving a man and loving a woman?

 

I did get the acknowledgment when he told me I was his most important and admired friend, he even bragged to his friends that if they could find someone similar they should let him know. I felt so proud and happy knowing that. However, deep in my heart it is like an endless pit, hence thought became eroticised. Now I just remembered after reading your reply.

 

Love needs to be expressed verbally as well as physically. It's its nature. What do we do when we love someone? We tell them. We hold their hands, we hug them, we kiss them. It is easy to do with our parents, our children.

Guys instinctively reach for their gf's hand, or put their arms over their shoulders.

 

 

But if the object of our love is another guy can we do those things? No. We suppress instinct. Why? Because it's frowned upon. It's given labels with negative connotations. So you wouldn't do it coz your identity is attacked.

Guys who express it are labelled less of a man. We even so much as to think about it, we are labelled less of man. Those that can no longer suppress/deny that they have developed feelings for another man buy into this lie and accept that they are less of a man, and give up their masculinity.

The truth is you are no less a man for loving another man.

 

 

This is my opinion (and I might be flamed for this). If two men love each other they treat each other with respect. They support each other and affirm each other's masculinity. They help each other towards their journey to masculinity.

They are protectors of each other. They grow together but with the knowledge that they can never be a substitute for a woman.

[slwc]

Find a topic to test out how your bff feels about gays. If he is fine with it you will feel much better after coming out to him. It's probably that you feel that you shouldn't be hiding anything from him (since he's your bestie), but you can't bring yourself to tell him about your sexuality. 

 

No need to get so worked-up about being teased as a couple... cos your bff is being teased as well

 

I'm sure there are many "straight-acting" gays, if you look around or venture further,

 

There are other ways to have an intimate moment with your bff... heart-to-heart talks are always nice 

[Guest LostBoy]

Thanks guys for the advice.

 

It is not sex with your friend that you seek but acknowledgement that he feels the same for you (Sad thing is you will not get that since to say it openly is considered as unmanly). You can't express your true feelings so it becomes highly sexualized.

 

This is my opinion (and I might be flamed for this). If two men love each other they treat each other with respect. They support each other and affirm each other's masculinity. They help each other towards their journey to masculinity.
They are protectors of each other. They grow together but with the knowledge that they can never be a substitute for a woman.

 

Your opinion is truly refreshing and it did explain a lot of situations that I was clueless before this.

 

May I ask further, I know I am seeking for acknowledgment, but sometimes when I contemplate about it, it seems like I have got it all, and the terrible thing is, I don't feel so and don't feel a lasting affirmation (it is like reason vs emotion), I always ask for more - the 'more' here has nothing left but sex, because I consider we have done it all, except sex.

 

i) what actions, be it verbally or physically, do you consider as the adequate acknowledgment as a real man?

ii) any remedy for my endless yearning for more acknowledgement? What it takes to affirm myself?

[GachiMuchi]

Your opinion is truly refreshing and it did explain a lot of situations that I was clueless before this.

 

May I ask further, I know I am seeking for acknowledgment, but sometimes when I contemplate about it, it seems like I have got it all, and the terrible thing is, I don't feel so and don't feel a lasting affirmation (it is like reason vs emotion), I always ask for more - the 'more' here has nothing left but sex, because I consider we have done it all, except sex.

 

i) what actions, be it verbally or physically, do you consider as the adequate acknowledgment as a real man?

ii) any remedy for my endless yearning for more acknowledgement? What it takes to affirm myself?

 

You are already his best buddy, but what you seek is more sexual to feed your emotional needs than an affirmation.  You want him to be your bf so to speak.  But the problem here is that he is NOT gay (might not be gay).  Your love for him is to be as lover and his love for you are of brotherly love. Both are love but are of different level.

 

1. You don't need anyone's affirmation or validation to be Who you are.  YOU decides who you are. Your affirmation comes from yourself inner self.  Be true to who you are.

 

2. If you truly understand the meaning of love; Love is not selfish. Love is not possession.

 

3. You are barking up the wrong tree as with those others who offers their bodies to you, which you are not interested.

 

4. You need to understand and realised that, He, (the love of your life now, there will be others later) is your "Bro" and NOT your lover. He will love you as his best friend and treats you as his best friend. He will eventually leads his life as he choose. The sooner you understand that You can't force your love on Him like Others can't force their love on You.

 

5.  Each choice you make you will evoke an outcome (or consequences of the choice). There are No right or wrong, the outcome will start a series of event that will change future events.  If you choose to tell him that you love him, be prepare for the consequences that he might avoid you in future. If you choose to maintain this status quot to accept to be his best friend, then you will have to rationalise this love between you and him.

 

5. Whoever loves another more, they will always be in a disadvantage position, if the other person does not love the other as much. The only time both can be equal is when both love each other as much and coupled with maturity & life experience.

Love + Maturity & Life experience = Maturity & Life experience + Love  <-- Miss any of that and there will be imbalance

 

Personally, I feel that you are thinking with your dick more than your head. You are not mature enough to deal with love and relationship. Having said that, I hope that should not stop you from trying, but do be prepared for failures and should you fail, pick yourself up and trying harder again or move on.  But if you do not have a strong emotional EQ to handle failures, it will hit hard on your ego and your self esteem, etc. and you might not be able to pick yourself up and would be trumatised for the rest of your life and you will also start question your own self-worth. So do be careful what you are getting yourself into.

 

Lastly, some parting cliche 'words of wisdom' :

We can't have everything we want. What we CAN do is to manage our expectations. The higher the expectation, the greater the disappointment. Such is life.

Edited November 7, 2013 by GachiMuchi

[Guest LostBoy]

Personally, I feel that you are thinking with your dick more than your head.

 

Thanks for your advice, and I really think your comment above is right. I try to control it but still cannot at this stage.

 

Another thing is, I crave for the message behind the action more than the action itself, when I examined my motive, I want affirmation and acknowledgement, more than sex itself. Sex is a means for me to accomplish something.

 

However, by accomplishing it (i.e. according to my logic, having sex with me is affirming my masculinity) I will lose it at the same time (losing my masculinity because of having sex with him). It is such a ironic dilenma, the fight between the dick and head seems forever......

[GachiMuchi]

Thanks for your advice, and I really think your comment above is right. I try to control it but still cannot at this stage.

 

Another thing is, I crave for the message behind the action more than the action itself, when I examined my motive, I want affirmation and acknowledgement, more than sex itself. Sex is a means for me to accomplish something.

 

However, by accomplishing it (i.e. according to my logic, having sex with me is affirming my masculinity) I will lose it at the same time (losing my masculinity because of having sex with him). It is such a ironic dilenma, the fight between the dick and head seems forever......

 

Your masculinity has nothing to do with you having sex with your friend. Let say he don't mind having sex with you. Assuming you give him blow job or hand job. Does it make you any manlier or less manlier?

 

You need to build your "software" which is your attributes and attitudes. Your thoughts will reflect who you are externally as well as your action.  Stay away from those things that might influence you to "think" or "act" any other way which makes you less manly, e.g. Singing while thinking you are Fay Wong or Beyonce, thinking you are one of the contestant of America's Next Top Model, or Madonna, etc.   If a guy thinks he is a women, he will act and behave like a women.

 

I am not saying that being effeminate is wrong or anything, but if there is a women inside you and or you feel like a girl trapped inside a man's body, then so be it. Just be you because I think your friends is happy you being you and not you trying to be someone you are not.

But IF you are acting like someone else trying to fit in with your bunch of manly friends, then I feel that you are living in a miserable life because you are not being yourself, and that denial of your true self will eventually takes its toll on you. What I am saying is that if you are gay, you are gay.

 

You don't need others to validate you. Your manliness or lack of, has nothing to do with who you have sex with, even if you ends up being fucked as a bottom, that does not means you are less of a man. Please don't be fixated with such labels or terms. Your affirmation comes from accepting who you are as an individual and not from what others say you are.

Edited November 7, 2013 by GachiMuchi

[Guest ifeel4you]

Who am I? What do I want?

I am hiding, I am very discreet, I am straight acting.

Secretly in my heart, I want to be a real man. And I want the affirmation from a straight guy.

Im going back to your initial statement.

A guy can not lead you to the path of becoming a man by having sex with you.

If your friend has no experience with the opposite sex may not be able to help you.

If you never talk about girls he cant help you.

Two inexperienced guys can help each other become men only if girls are a part of their conversations and their focus.

They act as each others wingman while they learn about girls.

If their sole focus is each other then...

I had years of self doubt but then was fortunate enough to have shared a room with an experienced man. His stories awoke something in me. He was a role model of masculinity and that helped. Instead with wanting him i wanted to be like him.

[Guest LostBoy]

Your masculinity has nothing to do with you having sex with your friend. Let say he don't mind having sex with you. Assuming you give him blow job or hand job. Does it make you any manlier or less manlier?

 

You need to build your "software" which is your attributes and attitudes. Your thoughts will reflect who you are externally as well as your action.  Stay away from those things that might influence you to "think" or "act" any other way which makes you less manly, e.g. Singing while thinking you are Fay Wong or Beyonce, thinking you are one of the contestant of America's Next Top Model, or Madonna, etc.   If a guy thinks he is a women, he will act and behave like a women.

 

You don't need others to validate you. Your manliness or lack of, has nothing to do with who you have sex with, even if you ends up being fucked as a bottom, that does not means you are less of a man. Please don't be fixated with such labels or terms. Your affirmation comes from accepting who you are as an individual and not from what others say you are.

 

 

Im going back to your initial statement.

A guy can not lead you to the path of becoming a man by having sex with you.

If your friend has no experience with the opposite sex may not be able to help you.

If you never talk about girls he cant help you.

Two inexperienced guys can help each other become men only if girls are a part of their conversations and their focus.

They act as each others wingman while they learn about girls.

If their sole focus is each other then...

I had years of self doubt but then was fortunate enough to have shared a room with an experienced man. His stories awoke something in me. He was a role model of masculinity and that helped. Instead with wanting him i wanted to be like him.

 

I agreed with what you both said, thanks so much for your patience and advice. I sooo want to press a button and move on, I sooo want to throw all these entanglement away and have a fresh start.

 

I understand I don't need anybody to validate my worthiness or manliness, but deep down in my heart, I still yearn for him, I want to be like him, because I have 'idolized' him and regard him as my ideal, and if my 'ideal' is with some other girls, my heart is burning with jealousy, below are my internal monologues

 

oh, I can no longer have the 'ultimate happiness' in my arms...

'heaven' is drifting away from me...

if only I can have the most intimate connection with him, I will be the happiest person in the wide universe...

 

As someone already criticized I am asking for some obvious answer, sorry if that bothers you, but if love is blind, I really cannot see it clearly. So if you as an onlooker that is not troubled by emotional trauma, hit me with clear direction and action plans.

 

Currently I can only see a way out from my dilenma, grow to be that ideal that I am yearning for.

[Guest ifeel4you]

I agreed with what you both said, thanks so much for your patience and advice. I sooo want to press a button and move on, I sooo want to throw all these entanglement away and have a fresh start.

 

I understand I don't need anybody to validate my worthiness or manliness, but deep down in my heart, I still yearn for him, I want to be like him, because I have 'idolized' him and regard him as my ideal, and if my 'ideal' is with some other girls, my heart is burning with jealousy, below are my internal monologues

 

oh, I can no longer have the 'ultimate happiness' in my arms...

'heaven' is drifting away from me...

if only I can have the most intimate connection with him, I will be the happiest person in the wide universe...

 

As someone already criticized I am asking for some obvious answer, sorry if that bothers you, but if love is blind, I really cannot see it clearly. So if you as an onlooker that is not troubled by emotional trauma, hit me with clear direction and action plans.

 

Currently I can only see a way out from my dilenma, grow to be that ideal that I am yearning for.

 

From your words it is clear about what you want. You want to be like him but you also want to mate with him. You want him as a friend and as a lover.

And yet you also "... want to be a real man". He's your idol, your role model yet want to have an intimate moment with him.

 

 

There lies your dilemma. You don't identify as being gay but you want to express your love for a man by having sex with him. Your identity is in question.

I advise you not to do any sexual act with him. I don't think you're entirely gay as your focus is just on one person.

 

 

Ask yourself, "Who am I at the core of my being?". Do I picture myself with a family (a wife and kids), or with a male companion?

DO NOT ask yourself "do I see myself with him for the rest of my life". Why? Because right now you're blinded by your love for him.

 

 

Just think of want you want in the future. Do you want a family, or a life companion (who can be any guy)?

Why you need to ask this of  yourself is because a completely gay man will actively seek another man to be his life companion.

 

 

If your answer is a family then you might wonder why you're having feelings for a guy. It's perfectly normal. It has happened to others who later had families. Your deep admiration has become sexualized. I suggest you find other ways of expressing your appreciation for him other than sex.

Don't throw away your friendship. Just throw away your sexual desire.

 

 

If your answer is you seek a male life companion then there you go. No more confusion.

 

There is something that I'm curious about though. You never mention if he has a girlfriend, or courting a girl. Does he bring up girls in your conversations? Or is his activities just centered on you? 

[Guest LostBoy]

From your words it is clear about what you want. You want to be like him but you also want to mate with him. You want him as a friend and as a lover.

And yet you also "... want to be a real man". He's your idol, your role model yet want to have an intimate moment with him.

 

 

There lies your dilemma. You don't identify as being gay but you want to express your love for a man by having sex with him. Your identity is in question.

I advise you not to do any sexual act with him. I don't think you're entirely gay as your focus is just on one person.

 

 

Ask yourself, "Who am I at the core of my being?". Do I picture myself with a family (a wife and kids), or with a male companion?

DO NOT ask yourself "do I see myself with him for the rest of my life". Why? Because right now you're blinded by your love for him.

 

 

Just think of want you want in the future. Do you want a family, or a life companion (who can be any guy)?

Why you need to ask this of  yourself is because a completely gay man will actively seek another man to be his life companion.

 

 

If your answer is a family then you might wonder why you're having feelings for a guy. It's perfectly normal. It has happened to others who later had families. Your deep admiration has become sexualized. I suggest you find other ways of expressing your appreciation for him other than sex.

Don't throw away your friendship. Just throw away your sexual desire.

 

 

If your answer is you seek a male life companion then there you go. No more confusion.

 

There is something that I'm curious about though. You never mention if he has a girlfriend, or courting a girl. Does he bring up girls in your conversations? Or is his activities just centered on you? 

Your advice is always great and sound. My identity is in question.

 

I always picture myself with a family, the thing is I always think that my best friend (my idol) and I have done almost everything together, and I take sex as the most intimate connection with him and ultimate affirmation from him, I always think that after having the most intimate moment, I can then move on and have my own family. (Yes, ironic as it seems, I find it hard to release myself from this weird reasoning).

 

Yes, I want a family if possible, but I also want him to be my life companion. Best possible fantasy is after having the most intimate moment with him, we both can go on to build our own families but staying close and remain as best friends, but now it is two families that support each other.

 

Yes he has a girlfriend, but she is working in another country currently.

[Guest LostBoy]

Ask yourself, "Who am I at the core of my being?". Do I picture myself with a family (a wife and kids), or with a male companion?

DO NOT ask yourself "do I see myself with him for the rest of my life". Why? Because right now you're blinded by your love for him.

 

No, it never occured to me that I will be with other guy as life companion, except him. I would rather to be alone if it is not him or not with a family. I am blind with obsession...

[Guest ifeel4you]

Your advice is always great and sound. My identity is in question.

 

I always picture myself with a family, the thing is I always think that my best friend (my idol) and I have done almost everything together, and I take sex as the most intimate connection with him and ultimate affirmation from him, I always think that after having the most intimate moment, I can then move on and have my own family. (Yes, ironic as it seems, I find it hard to release myself from this weird reasoning).

 

Yes, I want a family if possible, but I also want him to be my life companion. Best possible fantasy is after having the most intimate moment with him, we both can go on to build our own families but staying close and remain as best friends, but now it is two families that support each other.

 

Yes he has a girlfriend, but she is working in another country currently.

 

It is good that you have a scenario in your head. But you must realize how unlikely it will happen.

There are so many stories on the internet about best buds experimenting when they were young but eventually moving on to have their own families.

You may have read some of them, and have formed your own fantasies from those stories. Unfortunately, we can't verify if they are true.

 

I advise you not to have sex with him for several reasons. If you do manage to get him to have sex with you in whatever form you'd be making him doubt his own sexual orientation. You'd be confusing him. That is not something you want to happen to him if you're a real friend.

 

Sex charged with emotion is very powerful. It is like a duck that hatches and the first thing it sees it will follow even if it's a chicken. 

If you have sex with him in your emotional state it will make a lasting imprint on you. You will most likely have trouble "moving on".

 

There are other ways to get affirmation from him. A simple talk can do.

In one of your trips or during a quite time while drinking or maybe on his birthday or yours. Just talk to him.

During your conversion, just sneak in a question like: "Bro, I'm glad were friends. Promise me we'll be friends forever?"

I'm sure if he makes a promise to that effect it will satisfy you. As guys would rarely show affection if he says this it means he means it.

[Guest LostBoy]

There are other ways to get affirmation from him. A simple talk can do.

In one of your trips or during a quite time while drinking or maybe on his birthday or yours. Just talk to him.

During your conversion, just sneak in a question like: "Bro, I'm glad were friends. Promise me we'll be friends forever?"

I'm sure if he makes a promise to that effect it will satisfy you. As guys would rarely show affection if he says this it means he means it.

Rationally I agreed with all you said, however, I wonder why my heart is still burning with desire and yearning for more connection and affirmation, as I mentioned before, "I did get the acknowledgment when he told me I was his most important and admired friend, he even bragged to his friends that if they could find someone similar they should let him know. I felt so proud and happy knowing that. However, deep in my heart it is like an endless pit..." and he said that himself without me asking.

 

Sometimes I think, what good is it to get so-called "affirmation"? Think from another angle, he has got all my love and affirmation, but what benefits will he actually get? Is it JUST something to feel good about?

[BranLim]

Recently, I just discovered that I had a crush on a straight friend of mine who's in my own clique. I just can't get him out of my mind and it's so painful at times...

[Guest LostBoy]

Actually he is not the first straight one I "love", he is the second one. The first straight guy I loved was also my idol and my very good friend, but somehow after I managed to excel in areas that I once admired him and did better than him, all of a sudden I lost my interest in him and could face him just like a normal friend.

Is it just my poor self image I hold that yearning for affirmation, once I realised myself that I can do better, the so called crush vanishes.

Maybe I am just a selfish and insecure person, I thought I loved someone, but in fact I just want to affirm the value of my mere existence. Sad.

[lonely57]

ive only ever fell for straight guys. somehow people here wont give me any chance either for dates. ive never been on a single date so yeah. chatted for a while and it just dies down. abit sad. maybe im just never meant to find anyone.

[Guest LostBoy]

ifeel4you, I don't know who you are, but if you are reading this, I just want you to know, you advice is one of the best I have received all these years. It is like a beacon in my darkest nights.

 

Thank you very much.

 

Merry Christmas to you an your family.

[ryumonsg]

-ifeel4you-, indeed your posting are worth compliment~ Can share whether if you are in this circle or someone passer by in this thread? 

Merry Christmas!

[Guest ifeel4you]

Peace be with you LostBoy.

You are valuable. I'm sure you are a blessing to others.

[bigfishlegit]

man, this thread has meat! can totally relate to the conversations here... this had happened to me recently, what I did was I distance myself to my good ol buddy ...

Edited January 5, 2014 by bigfishlegit

[undies87]

i think there is a higher number of gays having a crush on straight guys than fellow gays. how unfortunate.

[Firday]

A bit side track... but still a crush...

Years ago, met this guy online looking for tennis friends. Replied to his post and we met at his condominium at Maplewood along Bukit Timah. Am quite a good player and he passable. Don't mind rallying with him as he was totally my type. Very nice guy and cheerful too. Big big crush on him and after the game, always go to his house to shower before heading for dinner together. A couple of times, I just wanted to enter the shower with him, but afraid that it may just shock him! Haha... He told me about his family history, being married, divorced etc. We met a couple of times for tennis after that and when he told me that he is dating this guy who kissed him when he sent him home, i was "devastated"... Haha... Has not seen him for a long time after this, if he is reading this forum, hope he is doing well

I think I m the guy who kiss him when he send me home...but we didn't work out.

You can go ahead....is your. as my mum always say...share your unwanted toy to those less fortunate..

 

just joking lah...

[tyan]

Seems like this kind of thing keep unfolding everyday and nothing really to discuss about. But I just cannot get over it and has been thinking about it day and night. Hopefully someone who has the same experience is able to provide me some advices and also be a listening ear.

 

I know this straight colleague when I first join the team 7 years ago. All along although he is a loving guy, I had never have any special feeling for him.

Until recently which I don't how he manage to get into my heart. I started to feel very deeply for him. To the extent that when he flirt with other females colleagues, I will get some jealous and hurt. Then I will refuse to talk to him. He is really a blockhead. All the while, I seems to the one taking the initiative to sms him at night or ask him for lunch. He occasionally took initiatives but not often. He pays special attention to everyone around him so not just me. There are a couple of obvious incidents that I feel that he is treating more than a normal friend. Like he will go movie and dinner with me alone. There was once he told me about his dad is in bad shape and he is worried. I thanks him for telling me and he says that I am his close friend. Whenever I feel hurt, I will usually tell him. He tell me to be his buddy always.

 

However, it has come to a point where now I can't take it anymore. I decided to put a stop. Coincidentally, the good opportunity come as we are going to have a company reorg and we will be in different team and office. After that, I presume that we will cut down on our talking or even lunch. Hopefully this will help. Now I am in dilemma, I do not want to end this friendship with him. But if I don't end it now, I am continually getting hurt. 

 

Not sure what is best for me now. Should I tell why I am hurt? 

[Guest Owen]

It is difficult to get over right now, especially you are still so much into him.

For me, I always hope for "something more" to happen, I think there is where it hurts when it does not go the way I wish.

So my technique,

i) Accept this is the furtherst I can go in the relationship, no more hoping for "something more",

ii) Remain as friends, but put the focus on me myself rather than on him.

[tyan]

I dunno. My thoughts change from day to day. One day I will just want to stop talking to him totally, not even whatsapp him. But when he whatapps, I am head over heels again. Just today, my thought is that as long as he is happy, it doesn't matter if I get hurt. For example, he really like to sit besides this gal. So although i really hope that he will always choose to sit besides me everytime, now what I am doing is that i will deliberately have him sit besides that gal. As long as i can see his smiling face from a few seats away, I am contented.

[fab]

命里有时终需有,命里无时,莫强求°

Que sara sara whatever will be will be.

[Guest Someone like you]

Dear Tyan, you are just hoping for something more, and that hope is going to crush you. By deliberately trying to remove him from your life, you might actually be hoping that he will notice your indifference and give you the attention that you craves. Time to wake up. Be friends. Go for dinner and movie or whatever like how you would do with another FRIEND, and stop harbouring the thoughts of anything more. I have been through this and tried avoidance, giving cold shoulder etc. It doesnt work.

[tyan]

I tried to remove him from my life because I want to go back normal life and not trying to catch his attention. I have been hurt again and hurt. I know it is not his fault. He is just being himself flirting with the female colleagues. I know that I cannot lead a normal life with him around. My attention just go all to him if he didn't get out of my mind.

Why I am procasinating to ignore him totally is that i do not want him to feel sad that he lost a friend. I want him to be happy. It will not mean anything even if I am able to get along my life but he is sad. I hope to have a win-win situation.

Thus since the company reorg is going to happen still end of this year and we will be in different team and office. I might as well stay in this way for the time being. And yes I will continue to be hurt but that is only until end of the year. I will just have to occasionally hide away to recover from my wound and come back happy back to him.

Alternatively I can also come clean to him on why I keep getting hurt and ask him to stop doing that. But that will be forcing him to change which I don't want him to do that. It is just not him.

I don't if I am doing the right thing or not.

[Guest -same boat-]

To be honest, I'm facing the same situation as you do now. I don't think distancing yourself is a good idea though. If he is someone you really have feelings for, maybe what you can try is to treat him like a family member instead, since he treats you like a buddy and someone whom he can confide in. Hope this helps.

[Guest daniel]

To Tyan

Do not continue to hope for something more. I have been through that. Just move on. If you chose to tell him like I did, you will end up more hurt than before. Ask yourself what exactly do you want from this relationship? If you are hoping for something more then you are wasting your time. Stop evolving your life around him. Be nice to yourself and spend more time with your family instead. Friends and colleagues come and go, families are always there.

[tyan]

Mm. Something more means bf or lover? In fact I have never came across my mind on anything erotic or sexual with him. Just want him to treat me with like his best friend. Consider my feeling all time and really show more concern on me than other people.

[tyan]

To be honest, I'm facing the same situation as you do now. I don't think distancing yourself is a good idea though. If he is someone you really have feelings for, maybe what you can try is to treat him like a family member instead, since he treats you like a buddy and someone whom he can confide in. Hope this helps.

If u like, we can exchange Line ID and exchange message. At least someone to listen to or advise if really can't breathe.

Edited May 21, 2015 by tyan

[Guest Owen]

Mm. Something more means bf or lover? In fact I have never came across my mind on anything erotic or sexual with him. Just want him to treat me with like his best friend. Consider my feeling all time and really show more concern on me than other people.

 You want to be his only one, believe it or not, the urge is an endless pit, first you want to be his most prescious one, then you will yearn for the closeness that nobody enjoy before, so you want sex but not really for the sake of sex, but to prove that he will give every inch of him to you and you to him.

 

You will tremble, feel frustrated, suspicious, whenever he is not around.

You will miss him whenever you cannot see him.

 

Basically you want to know your own value --- through him.

 

You will continue to feel this way, until the day you manage to claim back your life, ironically not from him, but from you yourself, because he has actually done nothing much to claim yours, but you yourself have attached all and everything onto him. (A word of caution, he will feel it as a burden)

 

Sorry, this is what I have been through, just share it so you may find something similar.

[tyan]

 You want to be his only one, believe it or not, the urge is an endless pit, first you want to be his most prescious one, then you will yearn for the closeness that nobody enjoy before, so you want sex but not really for the sake of sex, but to prove that he will give every inch of him to you and you to him.

 

You will tremble, feel frustrated, suspicious, whenever he is not around.

You will miss him whenever you cannot see him.

 

Basically you want to know your own value --- through him.

 

You will continue to feel this way, until the day you manage to claim back your life, ironically not from him, but from you yourself, because he has actually done nothing much to claim yours, but you yourself have attached all and everything onto him. (A word of caution, he will feel it as a burden)

 

Sorry, this is what I have been through, just share it so you may find something similar.

mm.. thanks. Yes, I think I heading towards this path.

Guess that's why i wanna distance him as soon as possible. Not now but slowly bit by bit.

Initially i sms him everyday. Then i slowly cut down to alternate days and now once every 2-3 days.

After that, I want to cut down lunch with him everyday. Sometimes, slowly let him have his own time and my own time.

Although I still miss him very very much, somehow I feel that this is the right direction that I am heading.

Hopefully once the company split, we will see each other less and I will be able to get alive.

 

Owen, do u think what I am doing is correct? 

 

I thought of doing a confession but only right before the company split. Cos even it is awakard, we wont see each other again.

[Guest Owen]

mm.. thanks. Yes, I think I heading towards this path.

Guess that's why i wanna distance him as soon as possible. Not now but slowly bit by bit.

Initially i sms him everyday. Then i slowly cut down to alternate days and now once every 2-3 days.

After that, I want to cut down lunch with him everyday. Sometimes, slowly let him have his own time and my own time.

Although I still miss him very very much, somehow I feel that this is the right direction that I am heading.

Hopefully once the company split, we will see each other less and I will be able to get alive.

 

Owen, do u think what I am doing is correct? 

 

I thought of doing a confession but only right before the company split. Cos even it is awakard, we wont see each other again.

What is the real reason that you want to do a confession? Do you not hope for "something more" to happen when he finally knows how you feel about him? The best will be he actually feels the same way?

 

In actual fact, I think most guys are not stupid, they can feel it, especially like you sms him everyday.

 

I don't know about your friend, even if he is not homophobic and can accept your confession, you will somehow feel awkward whenever you meet him, if he is homophobic, then it will be saying goodbye. I know the reason behind the urge of doing a confession, as I have gone through, it is "all or nothing" kind of gambling mentality, either he accepts you and there will be hope for "something more" after your confession, or you don't want to see him again because after all you cannot go further in the relationship.

 

For my case, I have never confessed, but I feel he knew about it, and hinted that we can be best friends, but there will not be any sexual relationship.

 

Another thing to take note, if your case is similar to mine:

You don't love him for no reason. In fact, you "love" him because he somehow represents an ideal image in your heart.

It can be his manliness, his charming character, his humour, his knowledge, his athletic physique, good looks etc.

 

The real message that this "love" can bring forth is, you want to be that kind of person yourself.

But the way we actually go about it is, we project that need onto somebody else, and want that person to love us and tell us we are valuable.

 

So, if you ask me, I won't do confession, and would in fact keep him as a best friend. But would take this opportunity to

i) drop all my fantasy for "something more"

ii) focus on myself and develop in the area that I admire him.

 

Wish you well.

[tyan]

What is the real reason that you want to do a confession? Do you not hope for "something more" to happen when he finally knows how you feel about him? The best will be he actually feels the same way?

 

In actual fact, I think most guys are not stupid, they can feel it, especially like you sms him everyday.

 

I don't know about your friend, even if he is not homophobic and can accept your confession, you will somehow feel awkward whenever you meet him, if he is homophobic, then it will be saying goodbye. I know the reason behind the urge of doing a confession, as I have gone through, it is "all or nothing" kind of gambling mentality, either he accepts you and there will be hope for "something more" after your confession, or you don't want to see him again because after all you cannot go further in the relationship.

 

For my case, I have never confessed, but I feel he knew about it, and hinted that we can be best friends, but there will not be any sexual relationship.

 

Another thing to take note, if your case is similar to mine:

You don't love him for no reason. In fact, you "love" him because he somehow represents an ideal image in your heart.

It can be his manliness, his charming character, his humour, his knowledge, his athletic physique, good looks etc.

 

The real message that this "love" can bring forth is, you want to be that kind of person yourself.

But the way we actually go about it is, we project that need onto somebody else, and want that person to love us and tell us we are valuable.

 

So, if you ask me, I won't do confession, and would in fact keep him as a best friend. But would take this opportunity to

i) drop all my fantasy for "something more"

ii) focus on myself and develop in the area that I admire him.

 

Wish you well.

Actually I am a person who cannot keep things bottled up.

I feel that he has the right to know why i am behaving abnormally, why I get hurt all the time.

He might be able to guess but he will never be able to confirm.

I do not know what kind of consequence it will be but i am preparing the worst which is totally avoid me and that is fine with me.

 

Ironically I don't know why I fall in love with him.

He is shorter than me, older than me, not handsome, not fit. In fact, none of the thing fit my ideal image.

This is the 2nd time my heart open since 20 years ago. Usually I close my heart tight and secure.

 

Maybe I will keep asking for more but never sexual.

 

Confused.

[Guest -Depressed-]

Hi, I am going through a similar situation. We've been friends for close to 10 years now. We have a lot of common interests. He used to ask me out every weekend and sometimes even during weekdays for lunch. I can feel that he really treasures me. At one point, I actually felt contented. Like I don't need anything else in this world. Being around him is good enough for me. Then a couple of months back, he stopped asking me out, like out of a sudden. That's when I suspected he is seeing someone else. After texting him, he finally told me that one of his friends has introduced a girl to him and they have just started seeing each other not long ago. The idea that people change so quickly scares me. One moment he sincerely wants to see you and the next moment, you never hear from him again. Just like that. I think its cruel to treat another person like this. I felt abandoned and all of a sudden there is this big hole in my life that I cannot seem to fill. Its been two months since I last saw him and occasionally I still get messages from him asking me out for lunch but I thought "what's the point"? At the end of the day, he will still go back to his girlfriend. We can never get back to where we were the last time. He still thinks that I'm angry at him for not telling me about his girlfriend before I found out. I didn't try to explain. I cannot bring myself to tell him I have feelings for him. 

He's still the first person that pops in my mind every morning and last person I think about every night. Maybe because I have many questions that I wanted to ask him. If he has always wanted a girlfriend, why would he want to hang out with me all this while, knowing that I can never introduce a girl to him? Are we even close at all when he couldn't even tell me that he is seeing someone new? Has he forgotten all things we've been through all these years? I guess I'll never hear the real answer from him.

It not easy for me to let go of him, not only because of all the time and emotions invested but also because I'm not sure what my future holds. What am I going to do with my life from now on? Is it going to fill with loneliness and nothing else? Will there ever be someone else waiting for me?

 

-Depressed-