Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: "Well," snarled the tough old ...

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private.

 

"I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave." 

"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Low Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”

Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he could not avoid getting stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a “Truck Wedgie.”

Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”

The gutsy truck driver said, “No officer, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny was sitting in class ...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."

"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Bad Temper Problem

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Cabbie

One dismal rainy night in Sydney a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

 

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

'Where to?' he stammered.

'Kings Cross,' answered the woman.

'You got it,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell, are you looking at, driver?'

'Well, madam,' he answered, 'I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, 'Does this answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?'

[worldangel]

Joke: "Well," snarled the tough old ...

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave." 

"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Gourmet Reporter

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe.

 

He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.

He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.

"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"

"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well soon you will be editor-in-chief!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Cowboy in barber shop

Ted, the cowboy walked stylishly into a barber shop, settled himself on the barber's chair and demanded, "I want a shave and a shoe shine."

The barber began to lather his face. While ted was relaxing, a woman with a lovely big pair of breasts knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

Ted commented, "Hey baby, you and I should have some fun in a motel room."

The woman replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

Ted said, "Tell him you are working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Dancing duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.

 

On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

 

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

 

After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy walks into a bar...........

A guy walks into a bar...........

He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the toilet.

He does not want anyone to steal his drink. So, he puts a sign on it. Saying ….. " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.

After a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.

[worldangel]

Joke: Sit With My Wife

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.

 

As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Jacks Are Wild

Reminiscing with her girlfriend about their childhood, the young woman asked, “Did you ever play with jacks?”

“Oh, yes,” her friend replied. “And with Johnny’s and Tommy’s, too."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No Food in Four Days -

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed blonde woman shopping and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "Goodness, I wish I had your willpower."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dribbling On Your Shoes 

A Jazz pianist spends the entire first set staring at a hot woman in the front row.

 

When on his break, he dashes to the men's room for some hand relief.

But he forgets to zip up. Halfway through his next set a woman approaches him and says, "Are you aware that your fly is open and you are dribbling on your shoes?"

"Aware of it!" the pianist declared indignantly. "I wrote it!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doomed by the Ice Cream Truck

A woman hears that her 98-year-old grandfather has died, and journeys to see her grandmother.

 

After the funeral, she asks, "How did it happen, Granny?"

"Well, dear, it happened while we were making love one Sunday morning."

"My goodness, Granny, two people almost 100 years old shouldn't be having sex!" the granddaughter exclaims.

Her grandmother replies, "Well, dear, it's really a matter of patience and timing. You see, we pace ourselves to the sound of the church bells down the street. In with the ding, out with the dong... and we were doing fine until that damned ice cream truck came by!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Change in Mode of Operations.

A guy is in court for murdering his second wife. The judge says, "You murdered your first wife also, correct?" 

"That's right. I fed her poisoned mushrooms. I've done my time."

The judge decided to probe a little further. "Yet you bashed your second wife to death. Why the change in Mode of Operations?"

"Well, your Honour," the defendant replied. "The bitch wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

[worldangel]

 Joke: 100 Pounds of Dynamite

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." 

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!"

 

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." 

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

 

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. 

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Dents

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

 

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

 

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. 

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" 

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

 

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ... "HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Double negative...

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

 

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

[worldangel]

 Joke: One night, as a couple lay ...

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.

 

His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

 

Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again.

 

This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde Bet

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM 
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. 

The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. 

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.' 

The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!' 
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. 

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.' 
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6 PM news and so I knew he would jump.' 

The blonde replied, 'I saw it too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.' 
Bob took the money...... 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Manners

A religious farmer spent the day in the city.

In a restaurant for his noon meal, he sat near a group of young men.

After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman. "Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"

The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Tickets to the theater....

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them."

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.

And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Where have you been?

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

 

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

 

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.

 

"You're the only woman on earth."

 

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

[worldangel]

Joke: In the front yard of a funeral...

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait." 

In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." 

On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push." 

On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog." 

At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." 

On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff." 

On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs." 

On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive." 

At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment." 

Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming." 

On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left." 

In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" 

In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!" 

On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.) 

In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up." 

Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop." 

In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want." 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A visit with Grandpa

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

[worldangel]

Joke: An explorer in the deepest Amazon ...

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh Goodness, I'm fuckxd."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT fuckxd. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, the Heaven's voice booms out again: "Okay . . . NOW you're fuckxd."

[worldangel]

Joke: I get so drunk that I imagine things

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."

"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

[worldangel]

Joke: Uncle Dave

A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids come in and share their stories: "My daddy told me about my uncle Dave," says one boy. "He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whisky, a pistol and a knife. He drank the whisky during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 enemies. He shot 15, stabbed 3 and killed the last 2 with his bare hands."

"What is the moral of this horrible story?" yelps the mortified teacher.

"Stay away from Uncle Dave when he's drinking."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A few wrinkles

Dara, now in her middle ages, had been considering coloring her hair.

 

One day, while flipping through a fashion magazine, she saw an ad for a hair-coloring die featuring a pretty young model who was sporting a great hairstyle with a shade that Dara liked.

To get a second opinion, she asked her husband Jack, "How do you think this shade would look on a face with a few wrinkles?"

Jack took the magazine from her, crumpled the page with the ad, straightened it out and observed it again.

"Just great, darling."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lady, What Do I Look Like?

A woman walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Sir, do you have cotton balls?"

Pharmacist replies, "Lady, do I look like a teddy bear to you?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Medium and Rare  

"What's the difference between medium and rare?"

"I'm not sure."

"Two inches."

"Two inches?"

"Six inches is medium… but eight inches is RARE!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Those Things Can Be Tricky

 
"Is there a woman here in need of assistance?" asked the medic from the ambulance as he knocked on the door.

"Yes," replied the man opening the door. "It's my wife. She has an electric vibrator lodged in her."

"Well, we'll have to transport her to the hospital," the medic replied. "Those things can be tricky to remove."

"Never mind," said the husband. "It can wait. We have an HMO which doesn't allow Emergency Room visits except for life threatening incidents. But for now, could you at least turn it off? It's interfering with the TV."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding Night Gift   The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals, a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed, with alternating current of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable. The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the groom’s buddies received the following note: DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Why All the Attention?

A handsome guy goes into the hospital for some minor surgery and, the day after the procedure, a friend stops by to see how he is doing.

The friend is amazed at the number of nurses who come by the room with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give him back rubs, etc. “Why all the attention?” the friend asks. “You look fine to me.”

“I know!” grins the patient. “But the nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-five stitches.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Hearing Aid
 

Three weeks ago, I sent my hearing aid in for repair...

I’ve heard nothing since.

 

 

 

Joke: Universal Remote Control
 

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.

I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Jewelry Salesman
 

A jeweller was on his way to work when he saw a sign that said “Watch for children”...

He thought to himself, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Are You Naked?

An old woman goes to visit her daughter and finds her naked, waiting for her husband. “Why are you naked?” the mother asks.

“This is the dress of love.”

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband in the rocking chair. When he arrives, he is startled and asks, “Why on earth are you naked, woman?” “This is the dress of love,” she coos.

“Hmmm,” he says. “I think you need to break out the iron.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: After Dinner Speech
 

As the after-dinner speaker gushed on and on, Deacon Miller nodded, and nodded until his head rested on the table cloth.

 

The chairman reached over and bumped him lightly on the head with his gavel.

Deacon Miller: "Hit me harder, I can still hear him..."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Phone Call
 

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang.

 

The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day.

She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, honey."

"Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tooth Paste
 

Uncle Jack drove up to the drug store in high distress. He stamped into the store, talking to himself.

"Are you the fresh young fellow that sold me this this stuff yesterday and told me it was toothpaste?" Uncle Jack inquired of the clerk.

"Yes sir," replied the clerk.

"Well, this morning I tried for half and hour, and I'll be darned if it would make my teeth stick in!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Will The Real Bride Stand Up
 

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.

"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: What Does That Mean?
 

Teacher: Are you good in history?

Little Johnny: Yes and no.

Teacher: What does that mean?

Little Johnny: Yes, I’m no good in history.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Anybody, Anytime, Anywhere

A man walks into a bar and sees a good looking smart dressed woman perched on a barstool.

 

He walks up behind her and says, “Hi there, good looking, how’s it going?”

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen, I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it.”

“No kidding? I’m a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A wife woke in the middle of the ...

A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed.

 

She got out of bed and checked around the house.

 

She heard sobbing from the basement.

 

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby.

 

"Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

 

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?" 

"Yes, of course," she replied. 

"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Are You Crying?

A little boy was sitting on the curb crying and an old man who was passing by came over to him.

 

“What’s the matter, little boy?” he asked. “Why are you crying?”

The little boy said, “I’m crying because I can’t do what the big boys do.”

The old man sat down on the curb and cried too.
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Part On the Side

In the darkness of the all but empty theatre balcony, the couple embraced so passionately the man’s toupee slid from his head.

 

Probing to find it in the darkness, he reached under his date’s skirt.

“That’s it, that’s it!” she gasped.

“It can’t be,” the fellow whispered back, “I part mine on the side.”

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a blonde driving ...

There was a blonde driving in her car on the highway.

 

She crashed into the car in front of her and a cop came over to her and said mam what is wrong?

 

She said officer no matter where i turn there is a tree if i turn left, right, there is a tree.

 

The officer leaned over and said madam, that is your air freshener.

[worldangel]

Joke: One day this pirate walks into...

One day this pirate walks into a bar and as he walks in the bartender notices that he has a steering wheel on his dick.

After the man orders a drink the bartender asks why he has steering wheel on his dick?

The pirate replies by saying "Aaarrrrrrr. It drives me nuts"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: $20 to clean suit

Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them blows lunch all over himself.

"Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this," he says.

 

His buddy replies, "Don't worry about it. That happened to me before. Here's what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?"

"All right, I'll try it." So, he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. "Now look what you've done to yourself!!"

"No, no, honey," he slurs back. "Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this 20-bucks to get my suit cleaned." With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table.

His wife looks at it and says, "I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two here?" The man slurs back,

"He shit in my pants, too."