Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Laughing horse

 

A man walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty dollar bills. The man asks the bartender, "What's the deal with the jar of money?"

"Well", the bartender says,"I've got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money!"

The man puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. The man takes his money and leaves.

About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they've got another jar of twenties there.

"What's the deal now?" He asks.

"Well", the bartender says, "That damn horse won't stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the money!"

 

The man pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him.

"Alright", he says,"You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!!"

"Easy", he says, "I made him laugh by saying mine was bigger than his, and I made him cry by proving it!!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Hot potato

 

James was on the beach, and could not understand why Bob had attracted all the girls, while he had no luck. So, he asked Rich "why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?"

Bob replied "take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!"

So James stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later, he still had no woman.

James went to see Bob again and said "I've tried the potato and it doesn't work!"

Bob looked at James and asked, "have you tried putting the potato in the front?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Best scotch

 

A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me five shots of your best scotch!"

 

The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.

 

"Wow, that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink!" says the bartender.

 

"Well, you'd drink that fast if you had what I had."

 

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

 

The man replies, "50 cents."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The plumber

 

On a public holiday, a doctor has some trouble with his kitchen sink.

He calls the local plumber, only to be told that it's his day off.

 

"But I get called out on my days off too!" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated.

So, the plumber relents. The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied.

 

He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying, "Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, call me tomorrow."

[worldangel]

Joke: Rigged contest

 

Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank.

They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant.

"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."

"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.

The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.

"Two!" said the second guy.

 

"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What size?

 

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"

 

The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.

Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!"

 

The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassely says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size."

 

The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Baseball heaven

 

Bob and Earl were best friends and had been for 50 years.

They went to baseball games together and had the best time possible.

 

They truly loved the game but they always wondered if there was baseball in heaven and agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy and tell them if there was baseball in heaven.

Then one night Earl died and then a few days later Bob went to his funeral and came home after the burial service. Then the phone rang it was Earl.
Earl said,"Bob is this you"

Bob said,"Yes, Earl how are you doing and is there baseball in heaven?"
Earl said,"Well I've got some good news and some bad news."

Bob said, "Whats the good news?"

Earl said, "Well there is baseball in heaven and you can play with Babe Ruth and everybody its great"

Bob said, "Then what's the bad news?"
Earl said, "Well Bob, your starting pitching tommorow night!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce court

 

Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.

The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?'

Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.'

'And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires.

Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.'

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why are you leaving?

 

A man comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase.

He says "Honey, what are you doing".

She says, "I'm leaving you, I want a divorce."

The husband says, "But why, what's wrong?"

The wife says, "I just found out that you are a paedophile"

The husband says, "Whoa, that's an awful big word for a 10-year old."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Men's bathroom

 

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side by side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up, and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands, clear up to his elbows.

 

He used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean."

 

The lawyer finished, zipped up, and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

 

The cowboy zipped up, and as he was walking out the door, he said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University, and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Poison

 

With Sam dying, his wife Carol was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.

She held his fragile hand praying and crying, this roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips said..."my darling Carol."

"Hush, my love"...she said... "rest, don't talk."

In his tired voice..."I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess"...replied the weeping Carol... "everything is all right, just go to sleep."

"No"...he struggles..."I must die in peace, I have something to tell you Carol...I cheated on you!"

"I know"...Carol whispered as she softly stroked his forehead... "just let the poison do it's job."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Pull Both At the Same Time  

Alison Jane wanted a parrot for a long time. Finally, she got the nerve to go get one. She walked into the down town pet store and she found the one parrot she wanted.

She asked the clerk why the bird had strings on its feet. The store owner replied, "Well, this bird used to be in a circus, so when you pull the string on the left leg it says, 'hello there'. And when you pull the string on the right leg, it says, 'bye'.

Allison Jane then asked what happens when you pull both at the same time?

"Wakk, I’ll fall off my perch you idiot!" replied the parrot.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where's My Fraternity Pin?  

“Hey, Lisa,” said the undergrad to his girlfriend, “how come you’re not wearing my fraternity pin?”

“It was such a nuisance, Carl!” Lisa said playfully. “All the guys were complaining that it scratched their hands.”

[worldangel]

Joke: What Floor Please?  

What floor, please?” asked the hotel elevator operator, and a young man at the back of the car called out, “Ballroom, please.”

At which the man in front of him turned and said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was crowding you.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Water In the Fuel Injectors  

Woman to her husband: "Bye darling, I’m going to take the car and go shopping." (Few minutes later) "The engine is not starting anymore, will you come and look at it?"

Husband: "Have you checked the fuel?"

Woman: "No, but there's water in the fuel injectors."

Husband: "You don't know shit about mechanical stuff, so how do you assume this to be true?"

Woman: "Because the car is in the pool."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Free Samples

Q: Do you know why there are so many sex perverts at the supermarket?

A: Because the baker shows you his buns, the butcher will show you his meat, and there's some woman in the store that always gives out free samples!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Have You Seen A Redhead?

The luxurious Reno hotel was engulfed in flames as the firemen battled the blaze.

 

As the firemen attempted to rescue the guests, a man clads only in a towel came running from the hotel.

 

“Have you seen a beautiful redhead running around naked?” he asked breathlessly.

“No, I haven’t,” a fireman replied.

“Well, if you do, you can have her,” the man said. “She’s already paid for.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Ugly

 

Nellie, shopping at her local supermarket, selects a quart of milk, a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon and a quart of orange juice.

A drunken standing behind her, watches as she places the items in front of the cashier.

He says to her..."you must be single."

The woman, startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her four items on the belt.

Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her items, she says..."well, you're correct, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk staggers as he puts his beer in front of the same cashier and says..."cause you're ugly!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Golden Anniversary

 

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit.

He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well"...explained the husband..."it all goes all the way back to our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and we took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."

He continues..."well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once."

"We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and my wife quietly spoke...that's twice."

"You know, that mule hadn't gone a half-mile when it stumbled a third time."

My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the beast, and shot the mule dead."

"I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned to me and quietly said...that's once."

 

 

Edited April 5, 2020 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 Joke: Who’s the boss?

 

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.

The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."

The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."

The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."

And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.

Finally, the asshole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. The asshole got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.

Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the asshole be declared the boss.

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

THE MORAL of the story: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old asshole.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two judges

 

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers.

"Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk."

 

"You are right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly," said his mate.

"And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first.

 

Next morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined $10.

They then switched places. "Drunk and disorderly, eh? You are fined $20."

 

"Hey," protested the first, "When I was in chair, I only fined you $10!"

"Yes," said the second judge, "But the offence is becoming too common. You are the second drunk to appear before the court this morning."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three doctors

 

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"

"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."

"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.

"I am a general practitioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor."

 

St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.

 

The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO."

St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Ohh crap

 

Three friends were backpacking through Europe and found out about a magical mountain near the coast, so they decided to check it out.

When they finally reached the top of the mountain they saw a man jump straight off the edge and screamed that he wanted to be an eagle then poof he turned into an eagle and flew away.

After seeing that the three friends got really excited and decided to go for it.

The first thought for a second and then dashed straight off and yelled "I want to be a hawk" then poof he turned into a hawk and flew away.

 

The second friend thought for a second and finally decided and jumped off and yelled "I want to be a a mountain goat" then poof he turned into a mountain goat and ran away.

 

The third friend thought about for a long while and then finally decided, he ran as fast as he could ready to jump but then slipped on loose rocks and fell off the yelling "ohh crrraaappp" SPLAT!

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Spot the dog

 

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents.

He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence and halfway through canap’s, the young man realized that he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding.

A tiny fart escaped.

'Spot,' called out the young woman's mother to the family dog lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog getting the blame, the young man let another slightly larger one go.

'Spot,' she cried out sharply.

I've got it made, thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll be fine. So, he let loose a really big one.

'Spot,' shrieked the mother, 'get over here before he shits on you.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor advice

 

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

 

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife.

 

He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.

He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

 

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.

He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

 

As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

 

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Which syndrome?

 

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think."

Then one of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

And the old man said: "you thought, but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

And the old man said: "you thought, but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "so what do you have?"

And the old man said: "I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but was wrong."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Tit for tat

 

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy; the barman replied, "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.

"Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The gambler

A woman walks into a bank one day to deposit a large sum of money.

She walks up to the guy at the counter and hands him a cheque of a million dollars.

 

After noticing the cheque was for such a large amount, he tells her he has to go and get the bank manager.

Soon, the bank manager appears and starts to process her cheque.

"How did you get so much money?"
"Well", she replies, "I'm a bit of gambler..."

"Really?" the manager replies astoundingly.
"Sure, like right now - I can bet you $10,000 that your nuts are square!", the managers a little taken back from what she has said.

"Ten grand that my nuts are square?"
"Yup"

"Done!"
"Great, meet me in the car park in two minutes so I can see for myself".

Sure enough, two minutes later the manager walks out and sees her standing by her car with a guy in a suit.
"Ok, well this is my lawyer. He is just here to make sure this is all legal and fair."

"Sure"
She then steps up in front of him, unzips his pants and gives his balls a good feel.

"You're right, they're not square!"
The manager smiles and looks over to the lawyer who starts banging his head on the car. Confused, the manager asks the woman,

"What’s with your lawyer?"
"Oh, I bet him $50,000 I would have your nuts in my hand in 5 minutes."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Want It On the Bill?

Two ducks are having an affair. They rent a hotel room for a couple of hours, but the male duck forgot contraception.

He calls down to room service. “Got it,” says the front desk clerk.., “Would you like these on your bill?”

“Of course not,” the duck says. "I’d suffocate.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: That Lump In Your Shorts  

A guy is out jogging when he sees a tennis ball in the gutter. He picks it up and puts it in his pocket, and keeps on going.

A while later comes across a friend also out jogging, and they carry on together. After a while his friend says "What's that lump in your shorts?”

"That's a tennis ball" he replies.

"Wow!" says his friend, "I've had tennis elbow, and that was bad enough!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Like Going To A Restaurant

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Resisting An Officer

The meek-looking man had been hauled into court and now he stood shamefully before his attorney to explain his dilemma.

“I was arrested for resisting an officer.”

“Resisting an officer?” the lawyer cried in disbelief.

“Yes,” said Mr. Stern. “I offered him five and he wanted ten.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: So Just Stop It

A well-known ladies’ man with a long list of sexual conquests walks into his neighbourhood bar and orders a drink.

 

He looks a little worried, so the bartender asks him if anything is wrong.

“I’m a little worried,” the stud replies. “Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he’d kill me if I didn’t stop sleeping with his wife.”

“So stop sleeping with his wife!” the bartender says.

“I can’t. The jerk didn’t sign his name!”

 

[worldangel]

 

Where Is He?  

A man heard that his wife was cheating on him. He came earlier from the job one day, and he saw his wife naked in the bed.

"Where is he?" he shouted. He looked around the room and then under the bed, where the guy was laying with $100 bucks in his hand.

The husband quickly took the money, and said to his wife, "Wait until I find him!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Answer the Easy Ones
 

Teacher: Little Johnny, if one and one make two, and two and two makes four, how much does four and four make?

Little Johnny: That isn’t fair, teacher. You answer the easy ones yourself and leave the hard ones for us.

[worldangel]

Joke: Foot Pill
 

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water, "Okay, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: That Is Snow, Madam
 

As the cruise ship was departing port, a well-dressed passenger approached the Captain. Pointing to the distant hills she asked, "What is that white stuff?"

The Captain replied, "That is snow, madam."

"Well," remarked the lady, "I thought so. But a gentleman told me it was Greece."

[worldangel]

Joke: Do You know What Time It Is?
 

Two little girls were playing together one afternoon in the park when one said, "I wonder what time it is?.

"Well, it can't be four o'clock," replied the other with magnificent logic.

"How do you know," asked the first girl.

"Because my mother said I was to be home by four o'clock and I'm not."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doing Like the Truckers Do

Little Johnny is standing in the back yard with a hand full of M&M's and the cat by the tail in the other. His mom notices and watches him.

He pops a couple M&M's, takes a bite out of the cat’s tail, and hops a couple of steps. Then he does it again, pops a couple M&M’s, takes a bite out of the cat’s tail, and hops a couple steps. Finally, his mom comes out and says, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

He says, "I’m being a trucker mom. Popping some pills, eating some p*ssy, and moving along."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Reason to Quit
 

"Hello," exclaimed Jenkins, as he met his friend Jones. "You're looking a bit off colour. Anything wrong?"

"I'm afraid there is," replied Jones, "I've had to give up drinking, smoking and gambling."

"Well, I must say that's all to your credit," commended Jenkins.

"Oh, no, it isn't," snapped Jones. "It’s due to my lack of credit."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: One Piece of Tail

Three members of a weekly bridge quartet were all impressed when the fourth arrived wearing a gorgeous new mink coat.

 

“That’s a lovely garment, Fran,” purred one woman. “It must have cost you a fortune!” 

“But it didn’t,” said Fran, “just a single piece of ass.” 

“You mean,” continued the admirer of the coat, “one that you gave your husband?” 

“No,” smiled the coat wearer, “one that he got from the maid.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Going Down In Flames

A pilot is having dinner with a brunette and when they finish, they head to a hotel. He calls room service and asks for a bottle of red wine. When it arrives, he opens the bottle and puts some of the wine on the brunette’s lips and then starts kissing her.

 

She asks what he’s doing and he replies, “When I have read meat, I must have red wine.” 

“Ooohh,” she says. A little later he calls room service again and orders some white wine. It arrives in a few moments and he begins to splash it on the girl's breasts and then starts kissing them. She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, “When I have white meat, I must have white wine.” 

“Ooohh, she says. Eventually, he works his way down, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff, and lights it on fire. “Aahhh! Why the hell did you do that?" she yells. 

“When I go down, I want to go down in flames!” he replies.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Much Would You Take Off?

The man was in the Turkish bath when he looked up and saw someone stealing his clothes. He took off after the robber with only a felt fedora for cover. 

As he turned the corner he bumped into two girls who looked at him and burst into laughter. “If you were ladies,” he said angrily, “you wouldn’t laugh at a man in my circumstances.” 

“And if you were a gentleman,” said one, “you’d raise your hat”

[worldangel]

Joke: Where Is Her Heart

A ninety-year-old woman decides that she’s seen and done everything, and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she comes to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method is to shoot herself through the heart. 

The trouble is she isn’t certain about exactly where her heart is, so she phones her doctor and asks him. He tells her that her heart is located two inches above her left nipple. 

So, she shoots herself in the left kneecap. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stay Hard Spray 

A husband has a problem with premature ejaculation. The local sex shop gives him a can of stay-hard spray. The label on the can promises that if you spray a little of it on, you can go all night. 

The man goes home and hides the can in a cabinet. After dinner, anticipating a night of passion with his wife, he applies the spray. They began making love – but he finishes faster than ever. The next day, he takes the can back to the sex shop for a refund. 

“Let me guess,” the clerk says. “You brought the can home and hid it in the kitchen cabinet?” 

“Right! How did you guess?” 

“You must have grabbed the can of EZ-Off, instead." 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Knowing Your Spouse

One of the funniest memories I have of the trials and tribulations of making the journey from childhood to adulthood was our annual summer vacation trek from Chicago to a cabin usually someplace on a lake in Wisconsin or Michigan.

Every year, it seems, we would get on a highway a few miles out of the city, and mom would wail, “Oh my goodness! I think left the iron on.” And almost every year we would turn around and go back. But as I recall, not once was it was ever plugged in. She often had the same fear that all our earthly possessions would disappear in a fire caused by her forgetfulness.

When I was about 14 years old, we were headed out of Chicago for Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and, sure enough, Mom gasped, “I just know I left the iron on.”

My father didn't say a word, just pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, got out, opened the trunk and handed her the iron.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Go To The Hospital

Four expectant fathers were in a hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"
"Yes" says the man, "I'm OK now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."

[worldangel]

Joke: Makin' babies

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Qualifying For Heaven

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. 

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." 
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. 

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" 
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered. 

"That's right! You may enter." 
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them." 

[worldangel]

Joke: A lady walks into the drugstore...

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. 

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" 

"To kill my husband." 

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!" 

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. 

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife. 

He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"