Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A cocky State Highways employee...

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Are Blind Pilots Flying?

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar ...

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, 'Well, how was it?'

The man says, 'You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: You got me!

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye.

 

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen.

 

He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Occupational Hazard

Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.

She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement!".

The men agree and she gives them a room.

That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement... only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks!! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection."

She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he says "Well, my dad is in the lawn-moving business."

So the woman finds a lawn-mover and off goes his dick.

The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry."

So she finds a saw and off does his dick.

The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically! "Why the hell are you laughing?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you!?!"

He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business - you're gonna hafta suck mine off!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Guess who?

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

 

This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

 

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Gas Station Fill-up

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase it's sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A school teacher injured his back ...

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

 

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

 

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

 

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

 

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A drunk at the bar...

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Technology Problems

One of my friend works in the customer service call center of a national pager company.

He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. 

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. 
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. 

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. 
"She leaves her name," was the reply. 

After establishing that the customer had a numeric only pager, the light bulb came on. 

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. 
"L-O-W C-E-L-L" 
Another problem solved. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Love Is A Temptation

Love is a temptation caused by a sensation,

In which a man sticks his location into a girl’s destination,

Which doubles the population for the next generation.

Do you need an explanation or do you need a demonstration?

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nice Legs

A man goes to a bar, and sees a large girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She's flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh, definitely! Most tables would've collapsed by now."

[worldangel]

Joke: Face to Face
 

"Yes, once I came face to face with a lion, and to make matters worse, I was alone and weapon less."

"Goodness! What did you do?"

"What could I do? First, I tried looking straight into his eyes, but he kept crawling up on me. Then I thought of plunging my arm down his throat, grabbing him by the tail and turning him inside out, but I decided it would be too dangerous. Yet he continued creeping up on me. I had to think fast...."

"How did you get away?"

"I just left him and passed on to the next cage."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Which Does He Choose?

A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money.

The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank. The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank.

Which one does he end up marrying?

The one with the biggest boobs.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Great Lover 

When her husband passed away, Elaine put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family called and chided, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”

Elaine said, “Yes I know, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big jerk that he really was.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Adjectives Galore
 

During a lesson about adjectives, my friend, an elementary school teacher, asked her class to describe their mothers.

 

One boy described his mother’s hair as auburn.

Impressed by his sophisticated word choice, my friend asked, “How do you know her hair colour is auburn?”

Her student replied, “Because that’s what it says on the box.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not a Nice Hotel
 

In San Diego to work with military linguists, my colleague and I checked into a hotel and ordered a 5 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, the phone didn’t ring until 5:30.

“You were supposed to call us at 5 a.m.!” I admonished the desk clerk on the other end of the line. “What if I had to close a ­million-dollar contract this morning? Your oversight would have cost me the deal!”

“Sir,” he said calmly, “if you had to close that type of deal, I doubt you’d be staying in this type of hotel.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Are You Free Tonight?
 

A man is stunned when his hot, newly divorced neighbour knocks at his door.

 

He answers eagerly and she asks him, "Are you free tonight?"

He blurts out, "Yes!"

She asks, "Great! Would you watch my kids?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Sixteenth?
 

Wayne, who has been impatiently waiting for a friend: "Where have you been all afternoon?"

Friend: "I just saw the movie 'Henry the Sixteenth'."

Wayne: "You mean 'Henry the Eight', where did you get 'Henry the Sixteenth'?"

Friend: "I sat through it twice."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Disloyal Customer
 

The aquarium shop where I work has been in business for more than 20 years.

 

One Sunday a customer called wanting to buy a larger aquarium.

 

"And by the way, I’ve spent a lot of money at your store over the years," he said. "I think I should get a discount."

"Only our owner can give a discount," I explained, "and he won’t be in until tomorrow."

When the customer said that he’d come in the next day, I asked him if there was anything else I could help him with.

"Sure," he said. "Where is your store located?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Russell Crowe Movie
 

“A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie?”

“Gladiator?”

“No, I really miss her.”

 

 

Joke: Women Are To Blame

Women are to blame for most of the lying men do…

Why do they insist on asking questions?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Prison Artifacts
 

While touring an old Roman prison the first tourist says: "Listen to this. It says here that in some old Roman prisons they have unearthed the petrified remains of some of the prisoners."

Second tourist: "Gracious, that must be where the name 'hardened criminals' originated."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Larry's Bar

A man goes to his shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the doctor, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Unspeakable
 

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

The doctor nodded sagely and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table.

 

The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Banker Wants Pockets 

A young successful banker decides to get his first tailor made suit.

 

So, he visits the finest tailor in town and gets measured. A week later he goes in for his first fitting.

 

He puts on the suit and he looks stunning, he feels that in this suit he can really do business.

As he is preening himself in front of the mirror, he reaches down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he finds that there are no pockets.

 

He mentions this to the tailor. "Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?" the tailor asks.

The young man answers, "Yes, I did."

The tailor says, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Do you want a box?

Each day when I would come home from work I would drop to my knees and ask my 4-year-old son if he wanted to box. I wanted him to learn how to protect himself, so we would spar around for a few minutes before supper.

One day my wife and I took our son to get new shoes. The shoe salesman was friendly and allowed my son to try on several pairs of shoes before we decided on a particular pair that he liked. We asked if he wanted to wear them home and he replied, "Yes." The salesman, who was kneeling on the floor in front of our son, held the old shoes in his hands and asked, "Do you want a box?"

Our son stood up and punched him right on the nose.
After grabbing our son we had to spend the next several minutes explaining why this happened. Luckily, our salesman was the father of a 4 year old.

[worldangel]

Joke: Why You So Fat?

A family is at the dinner table. The father looks at his oldest son.
"Tony! Why are you so fat?"

"Pop, it's Mama's casseroles!" Tony says.

"I can't stop eating them, it's so good."

"Tony, you should take a smaller bites."

Pop says.

Then Pop looks at his middle son.

"Fred! Why are you so fat?"

"Pop, it's a Mama's roast beef," Vinny says.

"I can't stop eating it, it's so good."

"Fred, you should take a smaller bites."

Then Pop looks at his youngest son, "John! How you stay so slim and trim?"

"It's easy, Pop," John says.

"I eat a lots and lots of pussy."

"Pussy? Pussy?"

Pop says.

"That tastes like shit!"

"Pop, you should a take smaller bites."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Rainy Day Hanger

One rainy evening, a couple emerged from a restaurant only to find that they had locked the keys in the car.

 

The husband insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one.

 

There were none to be found.

The husband then ran to a department store a few blocks away and returned with a hanger.

 

After a few attempts, he got the door open and they both climbed in.

As they sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat.

 

With a smug grin, he said, “Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Panic at the hotel...

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.

 

"Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

 

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.

 

"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly.

 

"And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I Have Good News And Bad News

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead Raccoons

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

 

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.

"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

[worldangel]

Joke: Do You Want To Be Acquitted? 

The lawyer was advising his pretty client. “When we go to court, I want you to wear a short skirt.”

“But they are not in style,” she protested.

“Do you want to be acquitted?” asked the lawyer. “Or do you want to be in style?”

[worldangel]

Joke: 300 Miles Away 

The phone rang late one night and the wife answered the phone in a tired hushed voice.

 

Her husband listened as he heard his wife reply angrily, "How the heck should I know, it's 300 miles away!"

She hung up the phone and her husband asked, "Who was that?"

She said, "Some lady, asking me if the coast was clear!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Small Dose of Viagra 

The doctor comes in, sees Frank and asks, “What’s going on Frank?”

Frank says, "I am here because I want you to prescribe me some Viagra."

The physician mentions that because of his advance age he could only prescribe a small dose.

“Oh, its ok, doctor, I just need it to quit peeing on my shoes.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Many Do You Need? 

Three guys are buying underwear at a store. The first guy goes up to the clerk. "How many pairs ya need?" the clerk says.

"Three," the first guy says. "One for wearing, one for washing, and one for special occasions."

The second guy goes up to the clerk. "How many ya need?" asks the clerk.

"Seven. One for Sunday, One for Monday, you know."

"Good reason."

The third guy thinks to himself, "Hmmm, I like getting attention, maybe I should think of something like that."

"How many do ya need," the clerk says.

"Twelve."

"TWELVE?"

"Yeah, one for January, one for February..."

 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: At a nursing home in ...

At a nursing home, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man. Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Thank Goodness we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

[worldangel]

Joke: A drunk walks into a crowded bar...

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman.

 

After a while, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk.

 

She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?"

 

The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself."

 

The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"

The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Butt Biter

A few years ago when my girlfriend still lived with her parents, I managed to pull a real lu-lu. I came out of the bathroom at the end of the hall in her parents' home and as I walked past my girlfriend's bedroom I saw her making the bed.

She was kneeling on the bed facing away from me, trying to tuck the sheets under the far side of the mattress. Of course this meant her luscious behind was sticking up and waving invitingly in the air. Well, there's few things I like more than gently sinking my teeth into a girl's nice behind, a habit which my girlfriend had already become familiar with.

So naturally I snuk up behind her behind and bit her butt. Imagine my horror when her mother's incredulous face turns around and looks back at me! She didn't know what the hell I was up to!

Of course I could've died of embarrassment at that moment. I stuttered a few words saying how I thought it was her daughter's butt (I don't think that would necessarily go over too well either!), apologized and got out of there.

The next thing I did was march downstairs and immediately tell her husband what had just happened – I'd much rather he heard it from me than her! Of course he laughed his head off and they all still tease me about it to this day.

And I later found out that my middle-aged mother-in-law was actually kind of thrilled to have someone mistake her butt for that of a 25-year-old.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: From Mars

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn.

 

He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?"

The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man with no arms and no legs...

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun.

All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"

The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away.

 

A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mister," she says, "have you ever been fxxked?"

"No," he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."

[worldangel]

Joke: Tarzan

 

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked.

 

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. "Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

 

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane screamed and rolled around in agony for several minutes. Eventually, she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Tarzan always checks for bees."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No luck with woman

 

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

 

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

 

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

 

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright.

 

For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Birthday present

 

A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, "Dear, what would you like for your present?"
"I really don't think I should say."

"How about a diamond ring?" the husband asks.
"I don't care much for diamonds."

"Well, how about a mink coat?"
"You know I do not like furs." she says.

"A golden necklace?" asks the man.
"I already have three of them."

"Well, gosh, what do you want?"
The wife replies, "What I'd really like is a divorce."

"Hmmm," says the man, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Woman in the shadows

 

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.

 

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad weather

 

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.

As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"

[worldangel]

Joke: I Work for A Condom Company

A man boarded a plane with 5 kids.

 

After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?”

“No. I work for a condom company. These are customer’s complaints.”

[worldangel]

Joke: You Are My Witness

In front of her husband, a woman blamed the housekeeper for her missing underwear.

The housekeeper turns to the woman’s husband and says, "Sir, you are my witness, you know I never wear panties!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: That's My Mop

One day a little boy sees his mother stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks, "Mommy, what's that?"

"That's my mop," she replies.

The little boy then asks, "Where is the handle?"

The mother replies, "Oh, Dad is going to put it on tonight."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Give Me A 68

A man at a bar picks up a girl.

 

They go back to his place and start a bit of foreplay.

 

But the guy stops and says, “Listen give me a 68.”

Mystified the girl says, “What the fxck is a 68?”

He says, “Give me a blow job and I’ll owe you one!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stupid wives

 

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it," he chuckles.

 

"Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"