Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Speech Impediment

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?"

inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A 70-year-old man has never be...

A 70-year-old man has never been married.

 

One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.

 

They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

 

When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Good doggie...

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.

 

Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Killing flies 

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". He responded

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Will, Hi Cowboy!

 

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

 

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

 

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi, Cowboy!"

 

[paolalopez118]

On 5/24/2005 at 11:06 AM, Guest smoking bear said:

Lost Gravy Ladle

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

 

This story happened very similar to my brother and it was really embarrassing for him and his partner but over the years it is only a story to laugh hehe

[worldangel]

 Joke: It was the end of the school year...

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. 

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." 
"That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" 
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said. 

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." 
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. 
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. 

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. 
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. 

The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. 
The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" 

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE! 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shingles...

A guy walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So, she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Merv was in a terrible accident...

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

 

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. 

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out. 

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out. 

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." 

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" 
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Oh my goodness! 

 

An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts!"

"Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"$200", he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"$500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough ... and $500 IS a lot of money ... "Well, OK ... but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel. Then he started saying, "OH MY GOODNESS ... OH MY GOODNESS ... OH MY GOODNESS ..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my goodness, oh my goodness'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOODNESS ... OH MY GOODNESS ... OH MY GOODNESS ... OH MY GOODNESS, where am I ever going to get $500?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Pretty sick man

 

After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from Overseas Trip and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his bed and it rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"

"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me???" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but .... they're the only foods we can push under the hospital room door."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Passport...

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

Until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please. "The old gal raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the US against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Blonds On Death Row

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Pretty normal

A woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm really concerned," she said.

"The other day I found my daughter and the little boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling."

The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal."

"Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me. It worries my daughter's husband too."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Anatomy 

 

A new bride went to her doctor for a check-up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husband’s legs?"

The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"

The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"

The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Open another branch

 

A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand. 

One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands. He asks: "Why are you holding out both of your hands?" 

The beggar replied, "You see Sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch."

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman goes into Wal-Mart...

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

 

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

 

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all-around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

 

She says, "That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound Of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

 

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her.. being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

 

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is$2.50."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three women who were friends in ...

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions -- but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera -- we're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."

[worldangel]

Joke: How Long to get a Haircut …

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hospital regulations require a...

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

 

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the lift.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Urologist Appointment

I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was the size of a small auditorium, and it was filled with patients. 

I approached the desk and gave the receptionist -- a large, imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. In a very loud voice she repeated my name, then said, "Yes, I see your name here-----you want to see the doctor about IMPOTENCE, right? 

I was stunned, but recovered my composure sufficiently to reply in an equally loud voice, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation---and I'd like the same doctor who did yours!!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: This duck walks into a convenience ...

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"

The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes!

I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"

The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy is walking down a beach ...

A guy is walking down a beach and sees a lamp. He picks it up, rubs it and out pops a Genie.

The genie says, "I will grant you three wishes, but since I know you hate your mother-in-law I will give her twice as much.

The guy thought about it and said, " I wish for $10,000,000.

The genie said, "OK, but I have to give your mother-in-law $20,000,000. Poof, it was done. "What is your second wish?"

"I wish for 50 pounds of the world’s finest gems", says the guy.

"I shall grant your wish but I must give your mother-in-law 100 pounds of the worlds finest gems". Poof, it was done. "And your final wish would be???"

The guy thought about it and replied, "I wish you would beat me half to death".

[worldangel]

Joke: A man appears before a judge one day ...

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.

 

The judge quietly reviewed some papers and then said, 'please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.'

'Because,' the man said, 'I live in a two-story house.'

The Judge replies, 'what kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?'

The man answers, 'Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.''

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was pulled over for speeding ...

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?" 

The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." 

The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" 

So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine. I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." 

The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" 

The man sighed and said, "Yes, sir. I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." 

The officer steps toward the back of the car and says, "Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." 

The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes later, another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. 

The man said, "Yes, officer, here it is right here." 

It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" 

The man laughs and says, "No officer, why would there be a gun in the glove box." 

He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. 

The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. 

The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. 

The second officer says, "Sir, I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." 

The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah, and I'll bet he said I was speeding too." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not older...just better....

For his wife's birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:

"You are not getting older, You are getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A dietitian was once addressing...

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in a big city:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Oriental food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two girlfriends were speeding ...

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Fxck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."

[worldangel]

Joke: Chicken legs...

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.

He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him.

He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up.

The man then noticed that the chicken had three legs, so he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm.

The curious man got out of his car and noticed that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?"

The farmer explained, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm gonna be a millionaire."

"How do they tasted?" asked the man.

"Don't know," replied the farmer, "haven't caught one yet."

[worldangel]

Joke: Exact change

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, ‘What's yours?'

‘I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, ‘I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?' asks the waitress.

‘No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

‘Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

‘Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

‘That's brilliant!' says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

‘That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, ‘What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs… pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Growing penis

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.

But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: An elderly gentleman...

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my
will three times!'

[worldangel]

Joke: An Orgasmic Problem

A woman went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.

 

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"

[worldangel]

Joke: One day, a guy went into a store...

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing.

He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.

The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.

He shrugged it off, and continued on his way.

As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him.

He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this.

He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths.

The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, "No refunds".

The guy shook his head, and said, "No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer."

[worldangel]

Joke: Immaculate Miracle?

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. 

"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings." 

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant--about four months would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?" 

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" 

The doctor walked over to the window and stared outside. About five minutes passed before the mother said, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?" 

The doctor replied, "No, not at it. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'm not going to miss it this time around!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: At pet shop

 

A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets.

 

He sees a monkey with a price of 5,000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details.

 

Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money? Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games. - Good monkey, it’s worth the money.

 

He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10,000$ and again he will ask the merchant.

 

What does this monkey know? It knows Linux, Unix, Corel and Autocad. Nice, even I don’t know those things.

 

On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20,000$.

 

The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details.

 

And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money? I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!

[worldangel]

Joke: A hunter kills a deer and brings ...

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner.

 

He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"

"You'll see", he replies.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.

"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."

His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a fxcking asshole ..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two hikers were walking through...

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine.

 

Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing. 

The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down.

 

Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. 

Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. 

The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The new lawyer...

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone.

He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking...

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million..."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support..."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details..."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.

Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company...I came to hook up your phone."

[worldangel]

Joke: Traffic Violations

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. 

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." 

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." 
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" 

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. 
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" 

"He said the reflector is broken." 
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" 

"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake." 

[worldangel]

Joke: A husband is advised by a psychiatrist ...

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.

 

"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you! Go home and show her you are the boss!"

Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice.

 

He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me! I want my supper right now and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong! And another thing... guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"

His redheaded wife says calmly, "The undertaker."

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a beautiful young blonde ...

There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.

She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke. 

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Dealing With A Lawyer

A Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

 

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. 

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. 

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" 

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, 
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell." 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy walks into a bar. He say...

A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender "I'd like a Whiskey Sour."

 

The bartender replies "How do you make that?"

 

The guy says "You put in whiskey to make it strong, water to make it weak, lemon to make it sour and sugar to make it sweat.

 

You mix it all together and you say 'Here's to you' and then you drink it yourself."

 

The bartender says "That's not a drink! That's a contradiction!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Address me as...

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

[worldangel]

Joke: Oooolllllld Lawyer

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

 

To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Reincarnation Surprise

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either of them died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the world beyond exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."

"Well, then, where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two boys were playing football...

Two boys were playing football in a Washington D.C. park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, he other boy rips off a plank of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar & twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Washington Redskin fan saves friend from vicious animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Redskins fan," the boy replied.

"Baltimore Ravens fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again.

"I'm not a Ravens fan either," the boy said.

"Then what are you?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan."

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet."

[worldangel]

Joke: What day is it?

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, getting up from the table and going out the door to the office.

At 10am, the doorbell rang. When the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1pm, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. When he did, she exclaimed, "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I know him

A small town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a attractive middle-aged lady. He approached her and asked, "Ms. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "I do know you Mr. Leigh. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"