Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Having arrived at the edge of ...

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.

 

The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat.

 

Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

[worldangel]

Joke: The local bar was so sure that

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

 

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

 

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Pet Pig
 

Carol: What’s your pet pig’s name?

Alice: Ballpoint.

Carol: Is that his real name?

Alice: No, that’s his pen name.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An English Lesson
 

If Lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,...

Doesn’t it then follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Family Decision
 

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favour 12 to 1."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Single lady

 

A middle-aged woman walks into a grocery store, she has been single for the past 5 years and is extremely lonely. She proceeds to collect a few things here and there from throughout the store. Lip balm, a gallon of milk, a few rolls of paper towels, chicken pot pies, and laundry detergent.

 

When she finishes finding all of her items, she proceeded to the checkout counter. Immediately after she got in line a man came up behind her and began to wait as well. He had a 12 pack with him and was obviously drunk. He was staring at her groceries then up at her, swaying back and forth trying to keep balance.

“You must be single?” he asked her.

 

Normally she would ignore a stranger talking to her, especially one this drunk, but she was for some reason slightly intrigued. She noticed he kept looking at her groceries and up at her. Maybe he thought she was single based off what she was purchasing. Maybe he could point out something that would help her find someone to love.

 

“Yes, I am single”, she said. But can you tell me something? How can you tell I’m single?” she said as she looked down at the few things in her basket.

 

Cause”...... he struggled to stand up and looked her in the eye. “cause you’re ugly”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At a bar

 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

 

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

 

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

 

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Best room in the hotel?

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Having baby

 

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favour of it.

 

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.”

 

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

 

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Broke Bassist
 

There was once a bass guitar player that was getting a divorce from his wife.

 

The court ordered that his wife was guaranteed to HALF of what he owned.

So she got his E string and his D string.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sick Day
 

Student: "Professor, I can't go to class today."

Professor: "Why?"

Student: "I don't feel well."

Professor: "Where don't you feel well?"

Student: "In class."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bear and Rabbit

 

A bear and a rabbit were pooping in the woods.

 

The bear looked at the rabbit and said “do u have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”.

 

The Rabbit said “no, why?”.

 

So, the bear picked him up and wiped his ass with him.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: By the mental hospital

 

A man is walking past the mental hospital.

 

Through the wood-board fence, he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen…thirteen…thirteen.

 

Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye!

 

He jumps back in pain holding his eye, then he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen…fourteen…fourteen.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Millionaire

 

A young man once asked a rich older man how he became a wealthy.

 

The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, “Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had.”

 

“I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents.”

 

“The next day I took those two cents and bought two apples. I shined those apples all day and night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked at it like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I’d amassed myself a fortune. Nearly eight whole dollars. I’d never been so proud of myself in my life.”

 

“Then my wife’s father died and left us 2 million bucks.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The key

 

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires: “I’m leaving for the crusade.

 

Here is the key to my wife’s chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven’t returned, you may use the key as I’m sure she will have needs.”

 

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe.

 

He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing extremely fast across the drawbridge, yelling: Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

 

Thank goodness I was able to catch you, the squire says. This is the wrong key!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Crowded in heaven

 

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.

 

St. Peter was standing at the pearly-gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.”

 

The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So, I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 27th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.”

 

St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

 

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

 

“Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 28th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily, I landed in some bushes. But then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”

 

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

 

“Tell me about the day you died?”, he said to the third man in line.

“OK, picture this, I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator …”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New job

 

Guy gets a new job at an all in one store. His manager says that he works on commission so just try to sell a few things and he’ll come back and check on him later. At the end of the day he comes back and asks the salesman how many sales he had.

 

The guy replies “1″. The manager says “Well geez, normally our guys do 15-20 a day. How much was your sale?” The guy replies back “$221,536.87″ The manager yells “Holy shit! What did you sell???”

 

“Well, the guy was buying a small fish hook, so I got him to buy a medium hook and a large hook. I asked him what he was going to fish with and I talked him into a new pole. He also needed bait. I asked him where he was going fishing, he said probably the creek and I told him he had to go out on the lake. Well, he didn’t had a boat so I took over to the marina section and he bought a twin-V skipper.

 

Then he realized he couldn’t tow it with his car so we went to automotive and he bought a new truck.” Thoroughly impressed, the manager said “he came in for a fishing hook and you got him to buy all that?”

 

The salesman replied “oh no. He came in for tampons and I said buddy your weekend is fuckxx, you better go fishing.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Only Male Bear

A magical frog is walking through the forest. He comes upon a bear and a rabbit. He says, "Since you are the first creatures I have seen, I will grant you each three wishes."

The bear goes first and says, "I wish I was the only male bear in the whole forest."

The rabbit says, "I wish for a helmet." Poof they got their wish. For the bear’s second wish, "I wish I was the only male bear in the whole country."

The rabbit says, "I wish for a motorcycle." Poof they got their wish. For the bear's last wish, "I wish I was the only male bear in the WHOLE world."

The rabbit makes his last wish by saying, "I wish the bear was gay." Then he strapped on his helmet got on the motorcycle and rode away.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Afternoon Tea
 

A professor reproved his students for coming late to class. "This is a class in English composition," he remarked with sarcasm, "not an afternoon tea."

At the next meeting, one girl was twenty minutes late. The professor waited until she had taken her seat. Then he remarked bitingly, "How will you have your tea Miss Jones?"

"Without the lemon, please," Miss Jones answered quite gently.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Snowman's Dessert
 

"I got a joke for you!"

"Alright, let's hear it."

"What is a snowman's favourite dessert?"

"What?"

"Icing!"

"Yeesh... that takes the cake for worst joke on this site!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fire Training
 

At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.

The training officer was discussing the behaviour of fire. "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked.

He was expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters. Instead he heard the following from one quick wit in the back, "You got the right place!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Because Of My Hands
 

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magma cum laud from law school, are intelligent, and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"

In seconds, the senior partner chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.

"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Having My Ass Bleached

Two women having lunch together are discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”

The second woman says, “Oh that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my ass bleached.”

To which the first replies, “Whoa! I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde.”

[worldangel]

Joke: You Think It's Rigged?

A private eye is showing Stanley movies of Mrs. Stanley in bed with other men. She's on the beach, at a football game during halftime, and all kinds of crazy places doing just about everything.

After viewing all this Stanley says, “I refuse to believe it!”

The private eye rather mortified says, “What? You think I rigged the evidence?”

Stanley says, “No, of course not. I just can’t believe my wife could be so much fun."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I can not tell a lie...

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Mutual friend

 

3 very good friends, a doctor, a banker, and a lawyer, all had a mutual friend pass away.

 

While at the funeral, the Doctor says “I wanna do something nice and unselfish for our friend,” so he pulls out his wallet and throws a $100 dollar bill into the casket.

 

The banker sees this and decides to do the same, he pulls out his wallet and throws a $100 dollar bill into the casket as well.

 

The lawyer being the last one, says the same as well. So, he pulls out his checkbook, takes the cash, and writes and leaves a check for $300.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Watching the game

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.

When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

She asked, 'What are you doing?'

He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The teenage son was having trouble …

The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account.

"The bank returned the checque you wrote to the sporting goods store," his mother said.

"Oh good," he replied, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Jury duty...

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.

But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."

"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Christmas gift...

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Dark

Two Rednecks were sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life.

One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way through a fence, with its butt facing the tavern.

One drunk says, "I sure wish that sheep was Marilyn Monroe."

The other says, "I just wish it were dark."

[worldangel]

Joke: My dad tried to fuel his car with Viagra

My dad tried to fuel his car with Viagra. Erected pretty bad.

 

Though I also heard the AAA is trying to pass off Viagra as fuel.

 

I think they're stiffing their members with that one!

 

The cops pulled me over and said ‘Here, penis cup.' Also, Viagra has a new celebrity spokesman. That's right: Randy Johnson.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The mother of a 17-year-old girl

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

 

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.

 

He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Best room in the hotel?

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Whether You're Here or Not 

A typical macho man married a good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. He said, “I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want.

 

And I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night... whether you’re here or not.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Red Hair Baby

The gynaecologist is surprised to see one of his patient’s husbands in his waiting room.

 

“What can I do for you Mr. Doyle?” the doctor asks.

“I’m worried because our new baby has red hair.”

“Why is that such a concern?”

“I have black hair, my wife has black hair and all four of our parents have black hair.”

“How often do you have sex?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, I guess about twice a year,” Doyle says, sheepishly.

“That explains it,” says the doctor. “The red hair is from rust.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: At the safeway supermarket

 

A guy was grocery shopping around the corner at the Safeway Supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around.

 

Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said: “I hope I haven’t made you feel uncomfortable – it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”

 

“Oh, that’s ok,” he said. “I know it’s silly,” she continued, “but if you called out ‘Goodbye, Mother’ as I leave, it would make me ever so happy.”

 

The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out “Goodbye Mother.”

 

The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled. Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone’s day the man went to pay for his groceries.

 

“That’ll be 105 dollars 35,” said the clerk. “How come?” inquired the man. “I’ve only bought a few things “Yeah, but your mother said you’d pay for her”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Loves her cat

 

An elderly woman sitting on her porch, petting her beloved cat Oscar. A genie walks up her sidewalk. “Ma’am, you have lived a happy and simple life, I wish to grant you three wishes.”

 

The woman smiles, “Oh, I have to think, well, I would like to be 18 again.”

The genie nods his head and she transform into her 18-years old self. “I would like lots of money!” she wishes. He nods again and piles of gold and coins pile all beside her.

 

The woman stops, “My cat Oscar here has been loyal and sweet, could you turn him into a young, handsome man?” The genie nods his head a third time and disappears. Turning around she sees a young man, fit, gorgeous and perfect.

 

“Why hello” she says coyly. Oscar looks at her, “Don’t look at me, you had me neutered.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Car crash

 

A woman and her boyfriend have just left a wild party and are speeding down a country lane in a sports car.

 

The woman wants some fun and strips off her dress so she can flash at passers-by. Unfortunately, the man gets distracted and crashes the car.

 

The naked woman is thrown clear but her boyfriend is trapped in the wreckage. The only cover the woman can find is one of her boyfriend’s shoes, so she holds it over her crotch and runs to a nearby garage.

 

She sees a mechanic and shouts, ‘Help! Help! My boyfriend’s stuck!’

 

The mechanic looks at the shoe and says, ‘You’re going to need a doctor, miss, he’s too far in.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Handy Around the House.

Susie: My husband is a great handyman. He can repair almost anything.

Jane: My mother always taught me to beware of the man that can fix everything. You'll never get anything new.

[worldangel]

Joke: In a tiny village lived an old

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin.

 

She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. The undertaker, true to his word, instructed his men to inscribe on the tombstone what the lady had requested.

 

The men went to carve it, but as they were lazy and it was close to quitting time, they decided the inscription was unnecessarily long. So, they simply carved: "Returned unopened."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bull fighting

 

A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

 

It looked good.

It smelled good.

 

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

 

The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the heck, I’m on holiday down here! Bring me an order!”

 

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”

 

The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

 

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

 

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding rings

 

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings.

 

As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond-band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned.

 

“Tell me,” she asked the rather elderly salesman, “is there anything special I’ll have to do to take care of this ring?”

 

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, “one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Three psychiatrists

 

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,”one says, “but we have no one to go to with our own problems.”

 

“Since we’re all professionals,” another suggests, “why don’t we hear each other out right now?”

 

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.

 

“The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”

 

The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: First or third grade

 

On little Larry’s first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, ‘I don’t belong here, I should be in third grade!’

 

The teacher looked at little Larry’s records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, ‘I don’t belong here, I should be in the third grade!’

 

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry’s problem.

 

The principal and the first-grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

 

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions… ‘What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?’ asked the teacher.

 

‘Legs!’ Larry immediately replied. “What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn’t?’ asked the teacher.

 

‘Pockets!’ said Larry.

 

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, ‘Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!’

[worldangel]

Joke: The hooker

 

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

 

As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $50 for sex.”

 

The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.

After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver’s seat and stared out the window.

 

“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

 

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $60.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Navy retirement

 

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

 

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

 

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, “from the tip of my weenie to my
testicles.”

 

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But, the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

 

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to “drop ‘em,” which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s weenie and began to work back.

 

Oh Man!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

 

The old Chief calmly replied… “Overseas.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Last night’s sex

 

Two women talk about their last night sex: -So, how was your sex yesterday?

 

-It was crap¦ My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, then we fucked for 4 minutes and after two minutes he fell asleep. And how was yours?

 

-I had a wonderful evening yesterday. My husband came back home, then he took me out for a lovely romantic dinner. Then we had a relaxing stroll back home for an hour.

 

Then we lit the candles and had a wonderful one-hour long foreplay. We had awesome sex for an hour and we also talked and cuddled for an hour afterwards. It was absolutely fantastic!

 

In the meantime, the husbands talk to each other:

 

-How was your sex yesterday? -It was crap¦ I came back home to find that the power was down, so I took my old hag, out for something to eat.

 

The food was very expensive and I didn’t have much money so we had to come back home on foot. When we came back home, there was still no power so I had to light those fucking candles. I was so pissed off that I couldn’t get a hard on for an hour, and later I wasn’t able to fall asleep for ages. And how was yours?

 

-My evening was cool! I came back home, the food was already on the table. I ate until I was full, fucked my wife and went to sleep!

[worldangel]

Joke: Unable to perform

 

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

 

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to a medicine man.

 

The medicine man says, “I can cure this, but you can use this powerful healing only once a year! All you have to do is say ’123,’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish! When your partner can take no more sex, all she has to say is ’1234′, and it will go down. But be warned, you will not rise again for another year.”

 

That night the old man slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, and says “123″ and suddenly, he has the hugest erection ever, just as the medicine man promised!

 

His wife turns over and asks, “What did you say ’123′ for?

[worldangel]

Joke: Sentence using the words 'love' and ...

At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote: "When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Sam and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another."

And Sam wrote: "I love sex."