Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy goes into a drugstore to ….

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4."

He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?"

The kid embarrassingly says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him, and then yells, "Clean up in aisle 4!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I Can Help You

A psychiatrist ushered a new patient into his office and began their session. “Now tell me, what is it that you would like to discuss?” he asked.

“I’ve become obsessed with hoarding money, replied the patient.

“Ah… It may take many, many sessions, but I believe I can help you overcome this.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: All the Women 

A man was in a bar and overheard the milkman boasting that he had made love to all the women on his route apart from one.

When the man arrived home, he related what he had heard to his wife.

She said, "I bet it's that stuck up bitch at No. 23!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Am I the First?

“Tell me,” the husband asked his wife on their wedding night, “Am I the first man you ever slept with?”

“No,” the woman shook her head. “I’d have recognized you when we met.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Excuses!

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A student comes to a young professor’s ...

A student comes to a young professor's office hours.

 

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.

 

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."

 

He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything." His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Lesson in logic

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

 

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "To withdraw all his money from his savings account?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A noted sex therapist realizes

A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.

To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people and goes down the line, asking each person to smile.

 

Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.
"Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no.
"Twice a week?"
"No."

"Twice a month?"
"No."
The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year."

The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What are you so happy about?"
The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandpa, What Are You Doing?

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well... last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Summer Vacation Job

The boys were arriving back at the fraternity house after the summer vacation.

"What have you been doing this summer?" one asks another.
"Working in my dad's office, and you?"

"Yeah, I've been loafing around and doing nothing too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart kid

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young couple, just married...

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers," she said.
 

"That's right, said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I can’t get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A programmer went to the doctor …

A programmer went to the doctor complaining about wrist pain.

 

The doctor poked and prodded for a while and then issued of a prognosis:

"You have carpal tunnel syndrome, but it's in the early stages. You should be able to continue work, but you should give up half of your programming."

"Which half? Writing memos about it or attending meetings about it?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The 87-year old said; "Well, I ….

The 87-year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80-year old stops at the bakery. As, he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th it'll be hard?"

He replied, "Holy sh*t ... does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bee in band class...

The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room.

 

The Sixth Graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student, Tommy, could stand it no longer.

 

He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its demise.

"Is it a bee?" another student asked.

"Nope," Tommy replied. "Bee flat."

[worldangel]

Joke: A psychiatrist was conducting ...

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[worldangel]

Joke: One day the teacher decides to ….

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up   of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next, she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pukeing drunk

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."

The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.

"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife.

"He did," says the drunk.

"But he shit in my pants too."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Name plates

Three young women were hired by an insurance company on the same day.
A year later the boss said each of them was due for a promotion, and that each woman would get her own office with her name on the door.

One day one of the women came in and found to her surprise that the other women had already moved into their own offices.

Going to her boss's office, she asked when her own office would be provided.

He pulled back his chair from his desk and unzipped his fly. "See this?" he asked, "This is quality, and in this company, quality goes in before the name goes on."

[worldangel]

Joke: Doing 3 knots!

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old time’s sake.

He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

After a couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Identification

A woman went into a bank to get a check cashed, but she didn't have an account with them. When the teller her asked for some identification, the woman showed her several charge cards, her social security card and a library card.

The teller told her they needed a driver's license, but the woman said she didn't have one.
"Don't you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked.

"Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet. "That's me in the back row."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Help Me, Dad

Dad, said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny. "You could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A drunk man got on to a bus late …

A drunk man got on to a bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and slumped down next to an elderly woman.

She looked the man sternly and said, "I've got news for you young man - you're going straight to hell!"

The drunk man jumped up and screamed, "Oh bugger, I'm on the wrong bus!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Dentist

The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

[worldangel]

Joke: Direct Me To the Bank
 

Man: I'm new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?

Little boy: I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.

Man: Why should I pay you so much?

Little boy: Because bank directors are always highly paid.

[worldangel]

Joke: My Passport Picture
 

For my grandmother's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. "That was a nice shot," I commented.

"It's my passport picture," she revealed.

"Really?" I stared in complete amazement at my homebody grandma. "Where did you go?"

"Walgreens," she replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Summer Vacation Job
 

The boys were arriving back at the fraternity house after the summer vacation.

"What have you been doing this summer?" one asks another.

"Working in my dad's office, and you?"

"Yeah, I've been loafing around and doing nothing too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Five Years Experience
 

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. ''When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years-experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held.''

''Well, "the young man replied, "in your job posting you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Get Some Help
 

One day a man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of water. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the man by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?"

The man said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"

The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?"

The man replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."

The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the man left. About three months later the man came back to the same bar. He ordered another glass of water, drank half of it, and poured the rest on the bartender.

The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"

The man replied, "I did, and it worked out great! Now I don't feel ashamed at all!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Useful Weapon
 

Little Johnny's aunt was visiting and going on and on about her husband. "When he went overseas during the last war he carried my picture through every battle."

Little Johnny interrupted her with a question, "Did he use it to scare the enemy off?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Office Support
 

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless. Therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."

[worldangel]

Joke: Forget My Wife

Two guys, one a senior and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.”

The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Just Ignore Him 

A guy and his girlfriend went to see an X-rated movie. About half way through the movie she nudged him and said the guy next to her was jerking off real fast and hard.

Her boyfriend told her to just ignore him.

She said, “I can’t, he is using my hand.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Three old men

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until 9:00."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Wise Man Once Said

A wise man once said that for a man to be happy, he must:

1) Find a woman who cooks well and knows how to keep the house neat and tidy.

2) Be able to exchange conversation with a woman that is at the same level as he is, intellectually speaking.

3) Be satisfied with his partner in bed.

4) Find someone who shares his dreams, visions triumphs and even failures in life.

5)Make sure that these four women don't know each other!

[worldangel]

Joke: The Clueless Idiot

A guy goes into a bar and tries to pick up on the barmaid.

 

After many advances the barmaid gets fed up and tells him, “Look I'd really love to take you home but I'm on my menstrual cycle.”

Not to be discouraged the fellow says, “That’s all right, I'll just follow you in my Hyundai."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Right Word

A man goes to the doctor's and says, “I would I like to get castrated". The doctor tries to convince him but the man won't listen. All he keeps on saying is, "I want to get castrated! I want to get castrated! I want to get castrated!”

The doctor says, "Your life will be changed after this operation. Do you still want to go ahead?"

“Yes!"

After a few hours the man is walking in the hospital with a walking stick in his hand and legs apart. He meets another man walking the same way. He says to the other guy, “So even you got the operation done?"

The other man replied, "Yeah after 37 years of my life, I felt that it would be much better to get circumcised."

"Crap. That’s the word!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Why So Many Times?

An elderly couple is in a dingy theater, watching a porn movie over and over. After the last showing of the day, the usher who is cleaning the theater can’t resist saying to them, “You folks must have really enjoyed the show.”

“Not at all,” the elderly gent says. “It was disgusting.”

“Revolting,” add his wife.

“Then why did you sit through it so many times?”

“We had to! We had to wait until the house lights came up,” the wife responds. “We couldn’t find my underpants, and my husband’s teeth were in them.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Lower My Sex Drive

A 97-year old man visits his doctor and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”

“Sir," replied the doctor, “you are 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”
 

“You are darned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want lowered!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Illegal Use

This guy was working on his car when he got gas on his hand and arm. As he was driving to the Auto Shop to get some more parts, he lit a match, his arm then caught on fire.

In a panic he quickly rolled down the window and stuck his arm out to extinguish the flame.

The police pulled him over for an illegal use of a firearm.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Help Me, Dad

Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny. "You could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Butt Biter

A few years ago, when my girlfriend still lived with her parents, I managed to pull a real lu-lu. I came out of the bathroom at the end of the hall in her parents' home and as I walked past my girlfriend's bedroom, I saw her making the bed.

She was kneeling on the bed facing away from me, trying to tuck the sheets under the far side of the mattress. Of course, this meant her luscious behind was sticking up and waving invitingly in the air. Well, there's few things I like more than gently sinking my teeth into a girl's nice behind, a habit which my girlfriend had already become familiar with.

[worldangel]

Joke: What's with the nuts?

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."

The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man and his girlfriend are having …

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.

He asks her to "go downtown", so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?"

She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money -- just looking."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Where's My Watch?

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counsellor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialled 911.

In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you high rolling lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.

"OH MY GOODNESS!" screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sheerer Than That

At a lingerie store, a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find. "This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item.

"I want one that's more sheer," says he.

"This one is $350."

"Sheerer than that."

"This is the sheerest we have. It's $500."

"I'll take it!" he replies. The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.

He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Let's Go In After Him

Two private detectives were doing some research on a scandalous divorce case in LA. At the husband’s request they staked out the wife’s bedroom, and sure enough, she had another man inside.

The detectives remarked to one another that they were going at it as if sex was going out of style. After watching rather furtively for quite a few minutes, one detective finally said, “As long as we’re here on the case, may be we should go in after him?”

To this the other replied, “Great idea! Who first?”

[worldangel]

Joke: What Your Mom Calls Your Dad

Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal."

The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: He Doesn't Have to Run

A guy goes to his first baseball game. He caught on quickly. Every time the hitter would swing and get a hit, everyone would start yelling, "RUN! RUN!"

Then one runner started walking to 1st, and the guy stands up and yells, "Run you, lazy bastard! Run!"

The kid sitting next to him says he can’t run. The guys asks "Why not?"

The kid then explains that the batter had 4 balls. Then the guy stands up and yells, "Walk proudly man!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good news...bad news...

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"