Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: There's a student in medical

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.

 

The chief resident is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees as patient masturbating in his room.
"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder", the resident replies. "If he doesn't ejaculate 40-50 times a day, he'll become disoriented."

As the two continue their rounds, the student peeks into another room and sees a patient with his pants around ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man entered the bus with both of …

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity  , asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Professor liked to tell dirty jokes

 

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell “naughty” stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

 

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.

Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.

 

“They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.”

The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

 

“Young ladies,” said the professor with a broad smile, “the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What's That Hanging on the Hook?

The butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was awakened by strange noises, coming from the shop.

He tiptoed downstairs and observed that his 21-year-old daughter was sitting on the chopping block and was masturbating with a liverwurst. He sighed and tiptoed back to bed.

The next morning, one of his customers came in and asked for some liverwurst. The butcher explained that he did not have any.

The woman was annoyed. She pointed and said, “No liverwurst, eh? Well, what’s that hanging on the hook right over there?”

The embarrassed butcher frowned at her and replied, “That, lady, is my new son-in-law.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Many Is Too Many
 

As he stood at the bar for the first time with his son the proud father said, "Now is as good of time to talk about some of the facts of life.

 

Remember. a man that drinks beyond his capacity is no gentleman. To enjoy life, you must observe a happy medium. Have a drink occasionally, but never, never, never get drunk."

"Yes sir," replied his dutiful son, "but how am I to know when I am drunk?"

"Well, you see those two men over there in the corner?" said the father. "If you were to see four men, you'd know you were drunk."

"Dad, let me have the keys," grinned the son. "There's only one guy over there."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: That's A Bit Much

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

 

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That’s a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That’s still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I’d like to see something really cheap and nasty."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

[worldangel]

Joke: If I Had Any Idea 

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

 

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

 

It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook, which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank.

 

She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Old taxi driver

 

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in Big City and laid down on the back seat.

 

The cab driver, an old gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

 

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? – Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

 

The old driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady“ I vasn’t staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.”

 

The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or my ass sweetie, then what are you doing?”

 

He paused a moment, then told her…”Vell, M’aam, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,’Vair in da hell is dis naked lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride? Now, that’s a REAL Businessman!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Feel like a woman

 

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

 

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”

 

For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

 

No one moves. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: “Iron this.”

[worldangel]

Joke: First day of school

 

Two small boys meet on the first day of school

 

“My name is Mikey. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Ricky,” replied the second.

 

“My Daddy’s a truck driver, what does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Mikey.

 

Ricky replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”

“Honest?” asked Mikey.

 

“No, just the regular kind”, replied Ricky.

[worldangel]

Joke: Dugly gets a tattoo

 

Dugly gets home late one night and his wife, Sarah, says, “Where in the hell have you been?”

Dugly replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”

 

“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred-dollar bill on my privates,” he said proudly.

 

“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disdain. “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

 

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

[worldangel]

Joke: New bull

 

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”

 

Second Bull: “I’ve been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.”

 

Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.”

 

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

 

First Bull: “I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend.”

Second Bull: “I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

 

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

 

First Bull: “Son, don’t be foolish — let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

 

Third Bull: “Hell, he can have all my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing poker

 

Six retired Floridian men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Mr. Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

 

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

 

At the end of the game, Mr. Jones looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna tell his wife?

 

They cut the cards. Mr. Miller picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

 

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”

 

Mr. Miller goes over to the Smiths’ condo and knocks on the door.

 

Mrs. Smith answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Mr. Miller says: “Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is really afraid to come home.”

 

“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.

“I’ll go tell him.” says Mr. Miller.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Knock at the door

 

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

 

She goes to the door and opens the door o see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’

She slams the door in disgust.

 

The next morning, she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina?’

She slams the door again.

 

Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, ‘Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.’

 

The next morning, they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.’

 

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure, enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; ‘Do you have vagina’?

 

‘Yes, actually I have one,’ she says. The man replies .. ‘Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’

[worldangel]

Joke: Hair pulling

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Nurses Tricks

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for.

 

Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.

The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.

The third nurse fainted.

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding Ticket

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A fat lady was complaining on ….

A fat lady was complaining on a plane flight how she had been charged for two tickets because of her size.

She thought that this was unfair that she had to pay twice just because she took up two seats and weighed three times the average passenger’s weight.

She moaned and groaned and bitched nearly the whole flight until the stewardess came along with two dinners.

[worldangel]

Joke: Waiting

Jim was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.

"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"

"I'm waiting," Jon said.

"Waiting for what?" asked Jim.

"Waiting to catch her with a smaller man."

[worldangel]

 Joke: It's All In the Wording
 

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the company's marketing and sales staff.

The sales staff whipped the marketing department soundly 10 to 1. But the marketing department showed how they earn their keep by posting this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The marketing department is pleased to announce that during the 2020 softball season we came in 2nd place, having lost just one game all year! The sales staff, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."

[worldangel]

Joke: Young and Lawless
 

A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself.

“I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm.”

The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So what’s the catch?”

[worldangel]

 Joke: The psychiatrist was interview

The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient.

"You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"

"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."

"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."

"You do?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Like Father, Like Daughter
 

Dorothy, the little daughter of a tire salesman, had seen triplets for the first time.

"Oh mother," she cried out upon returning home, "what do you think I saw today?"

"I can't imagine, dear, what?"

"A lady had twins, and a spare!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Climb The Pole

A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking blonde and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby.

For whatever reason, she decided to do it.

When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her:

"Don't you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?"

The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive, and decided to show those boys a thing or two.

The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming.

"What are you so happy about?" asked her mother.

"I totally showed them. Today I didn't even WEAR underwear!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Guess What
 

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

 

This was his first time approaching a field during the night-time.

Instead of making any official requests to the tower he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Don't Touch Mine

A little boy and girl were in a bath tub taking a bath.

 

The girl starts getting a little curious and reaches out to touch the little boy's penis.

The little boy pushes her hand out of the way and says, “Hey! Don’t touch mine, you already broke yours."

[worldangel]

Joke: A bad sign...

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.

He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bowling ball humor

I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls.

 

Nobody cleans those holes.

 

There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there.

 

Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes.

 

Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong.

 

The pins are passing out from the smell.

[worldangel]

Joke: Nude Tiptoer

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

So she decided to be considerate and not rouse him this time.

 

She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom, only to find him sitting up in bed, reading.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: It was a disastrous year for the farmers

It was a disastrous year for the farmers.

 

The snow fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a hand.

"It must have been terrible," said the government man to a farmer. "All that snow."

"Could have been worse," calmly answered the farmer. "My neighbor had more snow than me."
"How's that?" asked the government man.

"More land," replied the farmer.


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband &Wife

 

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

 

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

 

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”

“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Didn’t show up for work

 

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

 

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee’s cell phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.

 

“Hello.” “Is your daddy home?” he asked. “Yes,” whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” The child whispered, “No.”

 

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” “Yes,” whispered the small voice. “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

 

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?” “Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman”

 

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?” “No, he’s busy”, whispered the child. “Busy doing what?” “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” the whisper answered.

 

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?” “A helicopter.” answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

 

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed the helicopter.”

 

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

 

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle. “ME.!!:)

[worldangel]

Joke: In A Very Intimate Place

A nurse was telling a gorgeous co-worker about the Canadian sailor who was a patient in Ward Ten. “He’s tattooed,” she confided in a low voice, “in a very intimate place!”

“You, mean – “ grasped the beautiful nurse.

“Yes! Isn’t that odd? There’s actually a word tattooed there, it says 'Swan.’’’

“This I’ve got to see,” exclaimed the voluptuous one, and she hurried off to Ward Ten. Half an hour later, she returned.

“You were right,” she said, “he is tattooed there. But the word is ‘Saskatchewan’!’’

[worldangel]

Joke: I've Lost My Wife

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dog, lion and Monkey

 

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”. So, the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.

 

The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly “mmm…that was some good lion meat!”. The lion abruptly stops and says ” woah! This guy seems tougher then, he looks, I better leave while I can”.

 

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily “get on my back, we’ll get him together”. So they start rushing back to the dog.

 

The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts “where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Dog Sitting

 

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours’ male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.

 

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.

 

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

 

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.” “I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

 

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“It just worked for me,” he replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Game 7

 

It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

 

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man.

 

“Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

 

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?” The man shakes his head. “No” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

[worldangel]

Joke: At Wallgreens

 

The manager of a Walgreens Pharmacy walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The manager asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”

 

The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”

 

The manager says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Old Kentucky Home
 

An older man at the evening function bowed his head and wept quietly but copiously while a young woman rendered the plaintive ballad, "My Old Kentucky Home."

The hostess tiptoed up to him and inquired tenderly, "Pardon me, are you a Kentuckian?"

"Nay, madam," the tearful one replied, "I'm a musician."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the movies

 

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre.

 

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

 

The man groaned but didn’t budge., to have to call the manager.”

 

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

 

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

 

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

 

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?”

 

With pain in his voice Sam replied, “The balcony.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hippy on bike

 

A hippy with a bicycle that has a broken chain walks on the side of a road.

A man in a Porsche pulls up next to him and offers him a ride.

 

They try to fit the hippy’s bike into the trunk of the man’s Porsche, but as it is a typical sports car, the trunk is too small for the bike.

 

Then the man has an idea. He says to the hippy, “I have some rope in my trunk, you can tie it to your bike and I’ll drive you along. If I’m going to fast, just honk the horn on your bike.”

 

The hippy agrees to go along with it and they ride a few miles down the rode.

 

The man in the Porsche pulls up to a stop light next a man in a Lamborghini. They start revving their engine and a race is about to ensue.

 

The light turns green and the man in the Porsche completely forgets about the hippy tied to his car and starts racing the Lamborghini.

 

They’re racing and start reaching 80, 90, 100 m.p.h. They pass a cop and when the cop calls the race-in he says, “Dispatch you’ll never believe what I just saw.

 

I saw a Porsche and a Lamborghini racing down the road at 100 miles per hour, and a hippy on a bike honking his horn trying to pass them.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Out of shower

 

Ray is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Dugly, the next-door neighbour.

 

Before she says a word, Dugly says, “I’ll give you $700 to drop that towel.

 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Dugly.

 

After a few seconds, Dugly hands her $700 and leaves.

 

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Dugly the next door neighbor,” she replies.

 

“Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $700 he owes me?”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Magic words

 

A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says “Mom, give me my toy.”

 

His mother responds by saying, “What are the magic words?” So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy.

 

The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the little boy wants some juice, so he walks up to his teacher and asks for a juice box.

 

The teacher says “What are the magic words?” So the little boy says the magic words. But the teacher gets upset, and calls the little boy’s mother and asks her to come in.

 

When the three of them are sitting in the room together, the teacher asks the mother; “Have you been teaching your son sarcasm?”

 

“No,” the mother says, “Why, what did he do?”

 

“Well, he asked for a juice-box,” said the teacher, “and I asked him to say the magic words, and instead of saying please, he said ‘you’re thin and you’re beautiful.’”

[worldangel]

Joke: Ice fishing

 

Two guys were out on a lake ice fishing

 

One looks at the other and sees that he’s got a pile of fish, and asks him,

“hey buddy, how’d you catch so many fish and I’m sitting here with nothing?”

 

“Eep or orms orm” the man grumbled

“What?”

 

“Eep or orms orm!”

“Buddy, i got no clue what you’re saying!”

 

The man spat in exasperation and said, “Keep your worms warm!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Josh & Sam

 

Two guys Josh & Sam were walking through a paddock one day when they come to a fence.

 

Stuck in the fence is a sheep. Only its head is stuck and its body on the men’s side of the fence.

 

Without thinking about it one of the men, Josh pulls down his trousers and starting doing the sheep.

 

When he’s finished he gets all embarrassed and says to his fellow, “Sorry, did you want a go.”

 

Sam, his mate thinks about it for a second. Then he kneels down and sticks his head in the fence.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Let's Do It Again

After an MCAT exam, a father asks his son, "How did it go son?"

Young man, looking rather reproachful, replied, "It went well dad. In fact, it went so well that I will retake it again next year."

[worldangel]

Joke: Midday To You
 

I had just moved to an address between Sunrise Ave. and Sunset Blvd., one of Sacramento's major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where my home was located for billing purposes.

"I live between Sunrise and Sunset," I told her.

"Oh, Honey," she knowingly replied, "we all do."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The math

 

A man went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself, “I’m not hiring that lazy newfie”, so he decided to set a test for the Newfie hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

 

The first question was, “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” Newfie says, “Dat’s easy” and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, “What in the world is that?” Newfie says, “Tree ‘n tree ‘n tree makes nine.” “Fair enough” says the boss.

 

“Second question, same rules, but represent 99″. Newfie stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. “Der ya go bye,” he says. The boss scratches his head and asks, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” Newfie answers, “Each tree is dirty now, so it’s dirty tree ‘n dirty tree ‘n dirty tree – dat 99.”

 

The boss is getting worried he’s going to have to hire the newfie so he says, “All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100.”

 

Newfie stares into space again, then he shouts, “I got it!” He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Der ya go sir -100.” The boss looks at Newfie’s attempt and thinks, “Ha! got him this time.”

 

He then tells Newfie, “Go on, Newfie, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100.”

 

Newfie leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, “A little dog comes along and craps near the base of each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, and dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes 100. When do I start me job?”

[worldangel]

Joke: To much to drink

 

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

 

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

 

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

 

Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

 

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

 

Dumbfounded, the officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.”

 

“I doubt it”, said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Very Interesting Fact

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!