Jump to content
Male HQ

Be Happy :)


Guest smoking bear

Recommended Posts

 Joke: A woman answered her front door


A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.


"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."


"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"


"My babysitter's boyfriend."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Second Honeymoon


The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

 

The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said the old man.

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: What's with the nuts?

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."

The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"

"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: A man and his girlfriend are having …


A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.


He asks her to "go downtown", so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.


After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?"

She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money -- just looking."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Joke: A man awoke one evening to discover ...


A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.

 

The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house.

 

The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again.

 

"I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene.

 

After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!"

 

The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: It Worked on the Other Side


One night, a man and his wife were watching TV. It was about breast implants. The wife said, ”I wish I had bigger breast.”

The man said, ”You don’t have to get silicone breasts, just wipe between your breast with toilet paper.”

"How would that work?" asked the wife.

The man said, "Well, you have been wiping your butt for 50 years and it's gotten bigger."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Little Nancy was in the garden...


Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"


"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."


The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"


Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Having a Beer


A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one... sets it down and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man then leaves.


On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious.

 

The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I don't mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"

The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times."

The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one... sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer... sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone.

 

This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, "I don't mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?"

The man says, "Oh, no, nothing like that. It's just that my wife said that I couldn't go to the bar and drink anymore... but she didn't say anything about my brothers."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Joke: Why parents go grey

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"They're looking for me"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Playing house...

A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, "Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?"

"Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks.

The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means..."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: A sweet little boy surprised his ...


A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud.

 

Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee.

 

As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.


She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."


 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Toilet Brushes


While grocery shopping, a single man comes across toilet brushes, “Wow! What a great idea!” he thinks to himself.

So he buys three of them.

Two weeks later he goes back to using toilet paper.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Prepare Your Chickens


A guy sits down at a restaurant when the waiter comes over to see if he has any questions.

The guy puts down the menu and says, “How do you prepare your chickens?”

“Well, sir there’s not much to it. We just flat out tell them they’re going to die.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: This couple just got married a ….


This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded camp grounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.


Two old timers who was always setting on the dock thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake.


Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said, "Son when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!"
 

The new groom said, "Well, normally that's what I would do, But she...well, she's got gonorrhea."
The second old man said, "Well son haven't you ever heard about oral sex? Everybody's doing it these days."


The groom says, "Yes I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."
The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice. "Sonny, in times like this you just might want to roll her over."

The groom says, "I know all about that too, but she's got diarrhea."
The two old men look at each other and at the same time they say, "Daggone Sonny...gonorrhea, pyorrhea, diarrhea, what the hell did ya marry her for?!"


He said, "Well she's also got worms... and I do love to go fishing."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Kids Say The Darndest Things
 

I am a 65-year old volunteer teacher's assistant at my community’s day care. On the end of the second week of the start of school, one nice 5-year old girl that I noticed was observing me for days finally approached me and said:

"I know how old you are! You are 30 years old."

With shock and surprise in my voice, I said, "Oh my goodness, my grand-daughter just turned 30!"

The 5-year old then said, "Wow, that is something! You and your grand-daughter are the same age!"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Joke: The robbery....


Two friends, Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

 

While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul's hand. Without looking down, Paul whispers, "What is this?"

Jim replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Joke: Once upon a time there was a non- ...


Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south.

 

In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!


Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Never Divorce


A couple is being interviewed by the local newspaper on the occasion of their golden wedding anniversary.

“In all these years, did you ever consider divorce?” the reporter asks.

“Oh, no, not divorce,” they reply as one. “Murder sometimes, but never divorce.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: A young woman said to her doctor ...

A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over.' 'What do you mean?' said the doctor.

 

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, 'Ow, that hurts.' Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.'

 

Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts.'

 

The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?' 'Why yes,' she said. 'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: Married the Longest


At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

 

It turned out to be my husband and me. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"


I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"


Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: A woman answered her front door ..


A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.


"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."


"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Joke: Your honour, I am 75 years old


Your honour, I am 75 years old.

 

So here I am, sitting there on my porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me.

 

He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honour. So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honour.

 

Why, Your Honour, I haven't felt that good in years! So, I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
 

That's when he yelled, "April Fool" and that's when I shot the F**king Son of a B**ch!!

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 10/30/2020 at 10:58 PM, worldangel said:

Joke: Little Nancy was in the garden...


Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"


"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."


The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"


Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."

Lol...nice one

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Joke: One Hell Of A Time  


A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

 

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new target. She let him go as far as he wished.

Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of excuse he would have for his notorious behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one hell of a time!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: The Life of Riley


A new inmate is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new inmate looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new inmate asks, "What happened?"

"Well, one day Riley reported his credit cards missing."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Joke: A cop saw a car weaving all over …


A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.


He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."


She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."


She replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Man's Perfect Breakfast 


Many a person would ask what is a man's perfect breakfast. This is when an English breakfast is set before him with fresh orange juice.

On his right is the Vogue and his daughter is smiling happily on front. On his left his very successful son on the Time's cover.

Then when he opens the middle page of the Playboy, he finds his girlfriend on it, and while he throws some more milk in to his coffee, he sees his wife's face on the carton.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: That Stupid Dave
 

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another.

The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

 

The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

''What's so funny?'' the bartender asked.

''That stupid Dave!'' the fellow chortled. ''He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!''

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Joke: Damn he can drive!


This guy is on the street corner spitting and cussing.
A little old lady goes and gets a cop, telling him there is a guy spitting and cussing.

Sure enough when the cop come up to the guy he spits and says, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."

The cop tells him to stop spitting and cussing. And then asks him what the problem is.

The man again spits and says, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."

The cops again tells him not to spit and cuss and asks him what the problem is.

The man replies, "I was thumbing a ride when this guy stops and picked me up. He takes off at 100 miles an hour, and I am scared to death.

"As we entered town the guy slows down to about 60 miles per hour and skids into a alley where again he picks up speed.

"Right in front of us are two 18 wheelers parked on either side of the alley with only 4 feet between them.

"I screamed out 'We are going to die!'

"Then right before we were going to crash I looked over and told the guy, 'If you get us out of this I will suck your dick!'"

Again he spits and tells the cop, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Jobs at the food company...


One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff. So, they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job.

After filing out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss.

The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job.

Also a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress.

The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it.

The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on.

The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start.

The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division...Snap, Crackle and Pop should work out fine down there."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Joke: New broom...


A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her basket was filled with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious that she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for yet another price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked, indignantly, "Well, at this rate, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

 

"Don't worry, Ma'am," replied the clerk. "With all that wind kicking up over there and that brand new broom you have in your basket, you'll be home in no time."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Joke: One night, a man on his way...

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist.

 

The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped.

 

"About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Joke: A man with no arms and no legs...


A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun.

All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"

The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away. A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mister," she says, "have you ever been fxxked?"

"No," he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Joke: A young reporter went to a retirement home …


A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.


The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting tigers in the jungles. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself."
 

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."


The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: A drunk walks into a crowded bar ...


A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After a while, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk.

 

She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"


The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: A wife begins to get a little ….


A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass, she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into the driveway.


"What happened?" asked the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!"

"Gus had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband.
"Oh, that's terrible," said the wife.


"I know," the husband answered. "All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Gus, hit the ball, drag Gus . . . "

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Joke: A screaming, yelling mob were….


A screaming, yelling mob were tearing up the High Street.


A policeman stops one runner, and asks, "What's happening?"


"A lion has escaped," he gasps.


"Which way did it go?" enquires the bobby.


"Well we're not bloody chasing it!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: A guy goes to see his grandmother …


A guy goes to see his grandmother and takes one of his friends with him.

 

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts that are on the coffee table, and finishes them off.


As they're leaving, the friend says, "Thanks for the peanuts".


The grandmother says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures, I can only lick the chocolate off of them".

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: A lawyer walks into a bar and ...


A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.

 

The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.
"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: While the bar patron savored a...


While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive woman sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.


 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Free advice at social affairs?

 

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. 


The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" 


The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.


The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Beware of dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Lost In Translation
 

Two diners at a very swanky eatery were shocked to see on the menu a dish of "hickory-smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup."

They summoned a waiter to complain.

Their waiters looked at the menu. Then he threw it down and yelled to the owner in the kitchen, "Hey, the printers forgot to translate the menu into French again!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: The Warden's Ball 


Jack and Paul, two hard-core prisoners in the penitentiary, were talking.

 

Jack said, "I’ve got two tickets for the warden’s ball. Do you want to buy one?"

"No thanks mate. I can’t dance, " said Paul.

"It’s not a dance, it’s a raffle!" said Jack.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: I Don't Have A Prescription  


A man walks into the pharmacy and whisper to the young lady, "Can I have a box of Viagra?"

The clerk, very loud, replied, "We don't sell Viagra without prescription."

To play on the clerk’s sympathy the man pulls his pants down and says, “I don’t have a prescription, but I have the patient.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Paying Taxes
 

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.

At one point the auditor exclaimed, ''Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in this country. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.''

''Thank goodness,'' returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, ''I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash.''

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Joke: I Wish I Were A Book
 

"For heaven's sake, Chris, why can't you talk to me once in a while?" Julie whined.

"What?" Chris replied.

"Look around!" Julie yelled, as she pointed around the room. "Look at all these books! You always have your head buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!"

"I'm sorry, honey," Chris said.

"Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look at me!" Julie exclaimed.

"Hmmmm," Chris mumbled, "that's not such a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: The Best to Operate On 


Four doctors were talking to each other about who was the best patient to operate on. The first doctor said, "The best person to operate on are librarians cause everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

Disagreeing, the second doctor announced that mechanics were the best to operate on because they understand if you've got parts left over when you’re done. The third Doctor replied, “No, no, you are both wrong. A technician is the best cause everything inside is colour coded."

"Excuse me!” broke in the fourth doctor, “The best to operate on are politicians. They have no guts, no spine, and the head and rear are interchangeable."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Two Tickles for Elmo 


This girl saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at the Elmo manufacturing factory, in the Tickle-Me-Elmo department. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was boring.

The girl begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arrived there, the girl was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager angrily said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test-tickles, NOT two testicles!''

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...