Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Come Out of the Same Place  

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"

[worldangel]

Joke: His Wife, the Translator 

An old man went to the doctor for his annual check-up, but his hearing was not that good. His wife came with him to assist the doctor with translation. The doctor began with, "I need a urine sample."

"Huh!" the old man yelled.

"He needs a urine sample! Pee in the cup!" she yelled back.

"Oh, okay," he mumbled as he went to pee in the cup.

As he returned with his cup the doctor said, "I need a stool sample."

"Huh!" he barked.

"He needs a stool sample! Go poop in this bowl!" she yelled, again.

"Oh, okay." He left again bowl in hand. As he returned, the doctor had one more cup.

"Lastly, I need a sperm sample."

"Huh!" he yelled.

His wife shook her head in dismay and shouted, "Give him your underwear."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Bet You 50 He Will  

A dumb college girl went into a bar. She sat down next to this guy and started watching the news. On the news there was a man getting ready to jump off a bridge. The girl said, “I don’t think that he is going to jump."

"No, I am pretty sure he will,” said the guy.

The girl lays down a $50dollar bill and says, “I bet you $50 dollars he won’t."

The man lays down a 50 too and says, “I bet you $50 dollars he will." They kept watching and sure enough the man jumped. The girl then pushes the 50 towards him. The guy laughs and says, "I can’t take that. I saw this an hour ago."

She says, “No you take it. I saw it an hour ago too. But I never dreamed he would jump again!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Couple of Stiff Ones 

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking girl behind the wheel. There was a strong liquor smell all over the car.

"I am going to give you a Breathalyzer test,” he said. “That will show whether or not you are under the influence of alcohol.”

She blew up the balloon and the cop walked it back to the police car. After a minute or two, he returned to the girl’s car. “Well, it looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones,” he said.

“You mean it shows that too?!?!” she asked, surprised.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: I've Never Even Kissed A Man 

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings; she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant? She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hearing Loss
 

Patient: Doctor, I'm thinking that I may be losing my hearing.

Doctor: Can you tell me what you know of the symptoms?

Patient: Homer is bald and fat, Marge has blue hair...

[worldangel]

Joke: What's the Matter?
 

The dad took his young daughter to the movies. He occupied a seat near the middle of the theater, while the young lady went down to the front row to sit with her friends.

 

The news reel was showing about the raging forest fires in California, which evidently frightened the little girl as she came back to take a seat next to dad.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Did the fire frighten you?"

"Oh, no," she replied, "the smoke was getting in my eyes."

[worldangel]

Joke: Skydiving Challenge
 

Barbara was taking her first skydiving lesson. The instructor told her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord, explaining that he himself would jump out right behind her so that they would go down together. Barbara understood and was ready.

Just before it was time for Barbara to jump out of the plane, the instructor reminded her that he would be right behind her. She jumped, and, after being in the air for a few seconds, pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed her out of the plane.

He pulled his rip cord but the parachute didn't open. As he struggled to pull the emergency rip cord, he shot downward and darted past Barbara. Seeing this, Barbara quickly undid the straps to her own parachute, and yelled after him, "So you wanna race, huh?!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Coffee Cool
 

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee.

 

I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.

 

At the window, there was a delay.

Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. "I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."

[worldangel]

Joke: Visiting Grandma
 

Little Johnny: "Grandma, if I was invited out to dinner, should I eat pie with a fork?"

Grandma: "Yes, indeed, Johnny."

Little Johnny: "You haven't got a pie in the house I could practice on, have you, Grandma?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Before Meals
 

Little Johnny: "My pa is very religious. He always bows his head and says a prayer before meals."

Dick: "Mine always says something when he sits down to eat. But he does not bow his head."

Little Johnny: "What does he say?"

Dick: "Go easy on the butter, it’s up to a dollar and half a pound."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Good Product
 

Mel: "Well hello John Corcoran. Remember me? We met in Maine one rainy night, about six years ago at the Moose River Junction, during your sales seminar."

John: "Goodbye, sir."

Mel: "Aren't you going to try to sell me something?"

John: "No, I only sell memory courses."

[worldangel]

 Joke: My Wife's Birthday
 

It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewellery catalogues all over the house.

She'll be happy to know I got the hint.

I got her a magazine rack!

[worldangel]

Joke: What Does Your Dad Do?
 

Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.

Little Mary says: ''My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail.”

Little Jack says: ''My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better.”

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.

Teacher says: ''Little Johnny, what does your Dad do?''

Little Johnny says: ''My Dad is dead.''

''I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?''

''He turned blue and fell on the carpet.''

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New Discovery
 

The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.

An exciting new discovery is about to take place. Mr. Bell and his assistant, a man named Watson, have been hard at work on Bell's new invention to transmit sound over wires.

As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the receiver, he suddenly hears... ring, ring, ring.... then....

"Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your long-distance service?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Unbreakable Combs
 

The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half and it snapped with a loud crack.

Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Of Course It's High
 

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asked.

“135,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, “Your height?”

“5 foot 4,” I said.

The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed. “When I came in here, I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Phone Tree Nonsense
 

For once, instead of the ridiculous statement, "Please note our menu options have changed..."

How about, "Our menu options are the same as they have been for years. Just prepare to be on hold for a very long time..."

[worldangel]

 Joke: That Was A Threat
 

I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”

I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Elevator Help
 

The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialled the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do for you. I'm a psychologist."

"A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?"

"Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"

[worldangel]

Joke: You'd Never Believe Me

An elephant ran away from a zoo one day and ended up in a little old lady’s back garden. The old lady had never seen an elephant up close before so she called the police.

"There’s an elephant in my back garden picking up cabbages with its tail," she said to the policeman who answered the phone.

"What’s it doing with them?"

"If I told you," said the old lady, "you'd never believe me!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: What's Up There?

Two little kids saw a big ball in the sky one evening and an argument ensued between them. The first one said it’s the sun and the second one said it’s the moon.

Suddenly, they saw an old man walking by so they decided to ask him. "Sir, we would like to know what is up there, is it the sun or the moon?"

The man looked up and said, "Sorry, I can't tell you. I don't live in this neighborhood."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Time For A New Career

Doctor Phil had known many interns during his long career, but none ever made as many misdiagnoses as young Charles.

After making the rounds one day, and watching him make a dozen wrong diagnoses, Phil took the intern aside. “Tell me,” the doctor asked, “have your ever considered working somewhere else?”

“Where, for instance?” asked the intern.

“Wall Street,” replied Phil.

[worldangel]

Joke: I Can't Hear You
 

My three-year old was saying his nightly prayers in a very low voice.

"I can't hear you," I whispered.

He said firmly, "Wasn't talking to you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Computer Issues
 

I told my boss, “Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.”

"Hard drive?" he asked.

"No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Second Opinion

Two law partners hire a new cute young assistant, and a contest arises between them as who can bed her first, even though they’re both already married.

 

Eventually one of them scores with her, and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went.

“So what did you think?” asks the partner.

“Aah, replies the first lawyer, my wife is better.”

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. “So,” asks the first guy, “what did you think?”

The second guy replies, “You’re right.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Billy Broke It
 

Little Emily ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

"What's wrong, dear?" asked her mother.

"My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed.

"How did he break it, Emily?"

"I hit him over the head with it."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fisherman Walks Into A Bar
 

A fisherman walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman across the way. He approaches and just as he is about to speak, he drops his fishing line. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick it up.

The woman laughed and said, "Is that your best pick up line?"

The fisherman replied, "Actually yes, my name is..."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Catch Anything Yet?
 

Sitting on the bank of a stream a young fisherman trolled his bait lazily in the water and chewed comfortably on a blade of grass.

"Catch anything yet?" asked the stranger.

"Nope," murmured the fishermen.

"That's strange. It appears to be such a fine stream for trout," said the stranger.

"It must be," replied the fishermen, "they refuse to leave it."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The "4" Animals 

There are "4" animals every woman needs:

- A "Mink" for her closet...

- A "Jaguar" in the garage...

- A "Tiger" in the bedroom, and...

- A "Jackass" to pay for it all!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: He Replied Too Cheerfully
 

"Doctor," said the sick man, "the other doctors seem to differ from you in their diagnosis of my case."

"I know," replied the physician cheerfully, "but the post-mortem will show that I am right."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 12-Foot Alligator
 

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. Here's her story in her own words:

"While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Ruger .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Suck It Out

Two kids are camping, Jim and Earl. Earl had to take a pee and a snake bit him. He screams, "I’ve been bitten by a snake! Run to a doctor to see what to do!”

Little Jim runs to a doctor and the doctor says, "You got to suck the venom out and then spit it out."

Little Jim runs back and he asks, ”Where is the bite?"

"On my penis," Earl replies. "What did the doctor say?"

Jim replies, "I'm sorry Earl, but the doctor said your going to die.”

[worldangel]

Joke: It's For My Schnauzer

A woman noticed that her dog could hardly hear, so she took him to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in its ears. After cleaning both ears and making sure the dog could hear the vet suggested buying some ‘Nair’ hair remover and rubbing it in the dog’s ears every three months.

On the way home she stops at the pharmacy to buy Nair. At the register, the pharmacist says, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.

The woman says, “I’m not using it under my arms."

Again the pharmacist says, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t shave for a couple of days."

The woman is getting a little disturbed by the warnings and says, "I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer."

The helpful pharmacist says, "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Would You Like Them?

A lady who lived in a small town in the northern woods had two pet monkeys she was very fond of. One of them took sick and died. A couple of days later the other one died of a broken heart.

Wishing to keep them, the kindly lady took them to the taxidermist. The man asked her if she would like them mounted.

“Oh, no,” she replied, “Just have them holding hands.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Census...

Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'
Woman: 'Four.'

Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'

Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?'
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'

[worldangel]

Joke: The will to live

A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".

The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!

[worldangel]

 Joke: Christmas Eve Accident

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A gynecologist who had lost in...

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school.

He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade.

"I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly -- and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."

[worldangel]

Joke: A stage....

During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.

He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted:

"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Who's Been Messing Around?

One by one, the vice presidents of a large corporation were called into the CEO’s office. Then the junior executives were also individually summoned. Finally, the summer intern was called in.

“I want the truth, Jack,” the boss whispered. “Have you been messing around with our accountant?”

“N-no, sir,” the young man stuttered. “I-I’d never do anything like that, sir!”

“All right, good,” said the CEO, “then you fire her.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A professor of chemistry wanted ...

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

 

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

 

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walked into a bar, sat down ...

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Feeling Tired and Dragged Out

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, doctor,” said the curvy call girl. “I feel tired, dragged out. Pooped. No pep. No get up and go. Is it vitamin deficiency, low blood count, or what?"

The physician gave her a top-to-toe examination and then his verdict. “Young lady, there’s really nothing wrong with you. You’re run-down that’s all. You’ve been working too hard. I suggest you try staying out of bed for a few days.”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A college student picked up his...

A college student picked up his date at her parent’s home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.

 

To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works.

 

Finally, he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"

"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

[worldangel]

 Joke: An elderly couple is vacationing ...

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over. "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and down and says, "Sam, what's different? It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!"

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Sam!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad weather

This old man went to a whorehouse and said to the manager that he wanted something different.

So the manager sent him up to room "69".

He got in there and this woman named Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began working wonders.

Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, "What the hell was that?"

She replied, "That is the cooling rain falling all over you."

She got at it again and farted in his face.

He said, "What the hell was that?"

She then again replied, "That is the warm ocean winds blowing."

Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed.

Hurricane Sally said, "Where are you going?"

He said, "Hell, a man can't fxck with this kind of weather!"

[worldangel]

Joke: 5 shots of whiskey

One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my brother is gay."

The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guys says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The bartender says, "Doesn't anyone like pussy anymore?"

The guy says, "Yeah, my sister."

[worldangel]

Joke: A college pizza delivery boy arrived at ……

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr. Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

[worldangel]

Joke: Your car in heaven....

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"