Jump to content
Male HQ

Be Happy :)


Guest smoking bear

Recommended Posts

Joke: Son, go get your mother!

 

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation.

 

They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close.

 

The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Medical check-up

 

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

 

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

 

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks.

 

"Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Little girl & her brother

 

A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken.

 

The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately.

 

She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked.

 

The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Tired Dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch.

 

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.

 

This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

 

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with four children – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: Politician Visit

 A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

“We have 2 basic needs, sir,” replied the head of the village. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

 

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cell phone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day.

 

He then asked about the second problem.

“Secondly sir, there is no cell phone coverage anywhere in this village.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Parking Ticket

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

 

So I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?”

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket so I called him a pencil-necked cop.

 

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he’s so ugly.

 

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!

 

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windshield… the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Joke: High School Senior

 

A high school senior visited a psychic.

“I’ve applied to 10 different colleges,” the student said. “Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?”

 

“That is hard to say,” said the psychic. “But you will spend an absurd sum of money.”

“How do you know this?” the student asked.

 

The psychic replied …

“It’s mostly intuition.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Not Talking

 

A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer.

The bartender says, “What’s wrong, pal? You look down.”

 

The guy sighs and says, “I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn’t talk to me for a whole month.”

 

The bartender says, “Gee, that’s too bad. When does that start?”

“Start? Today’s the last day.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Joke: Am I Adopted?

 

Fred came home from University in tears.

“Mum, am I adopted?”

“No of course not,” replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

 

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

 

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. “Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and… and… I don’t know how to say this… he may not be our son.”

“Well, obviously!” he replied.

“What do you mean?”

 

“It was your idea in the first place” her husband continued. “You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him.”

 

“I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Joke: Hospital visiting

 

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away.

 

That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven."

 

"What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Losing interest in sex

 

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

 

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!"

 

The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: At her sister's house

 

My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a divorce?"

 

I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house."

 

He said, "So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Boy & girl

 

Boy: "Hey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend."
Girl: "I have a boyfriend."


Boy: "I have math test tomorrow."
Girl: "What does that have to do with anything?"


Boy: "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: The fridge

 

A man comes home and sees a note on the refrigerator from his wife.

 

She wrote, "This isn't working. I'm at my mother's."

 

The man opens the fridge, the light turns on, and he says to himself, "What the hell?

 

The fridge is working fine!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: 911

 

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?


Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?


Boy: The ugly one is winning.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Meet my little brother

 

A guy takes his girlfriend to his bedroom, drops his pants, and says, "Meet my little brother."

 

The girlfriend picks up her purse on the way out and says, "Call me when he grows up."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Will you marry after I die?

 

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?"

 

The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister." The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?"

 

The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Going on a picnic

 

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors.

 

Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks.

 

When asked he replied miserably, "My wife missed the bus."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Husband & wife

 

A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.

 

A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!"

 

She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!"

 

The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: What are you doing?

 

Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere.

 

"What are you doing!" asks Bob.

 

Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor." [to attract her]

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: So why did you run?

 

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"

 

The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!"

 

She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Why do you want to talk to me?

 

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

 

"Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled.

 

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Dance club

 

A married couple are out one night at a dance club.

There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

 

The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down."

 

The husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Why are you so happy?

 

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"

 

The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"

 

She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Three doctors

 

Three doctors are out geese-hunting. A gaggle flies over and the oncologist raises and then lowers his gun. "I better conduct an MRI first to determine if those were really geese."

 

Some more geese fly-by & the endocrinologist raises his gun and then lowers it. "I'll need some bloodwork to conduct an A1C and determine what those birds were first." Some more geese fly over. The trauma doc raises his shotgun and blows them out of the sky.

 

"What were those things, anyway?" he asks.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Wedding anniversary

 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

 

The next morning, he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: One little weenie?

 

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"

 

Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.

 

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Only 30 seconds

 

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television.

 

The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!”

 

“Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: Wine Taster

The wine taster at an old vineyard died and his old job was advertised.

A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply.

 

He persuaded the reluctant manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit.

 

“It’s a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said.

“Impressive,” said the manager.

 

The man was then given another.

“Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in a steel vats.”

 

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine.

 

The drunkard tasted it and said, “It’s a blonde, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get this job, I’ll tell who the father is!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Dress Code.

 

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

 

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

 

 If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Heart to Heart Talk


A woman has a heart to heart talk with her sister. “Sis, I have two boyfriends and I’m very, very happy. One guy is kind, considerate, giving, and handsome.”

“Then why do you need the second one?”

“He’s straight.”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Homework

 

A young boy goes into school one day and says to his teacher, “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”

 

His teacher says, “Of course not.”

 

The boy says, “Good. I didn’t do my homework.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Not Talking

 A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer.

The bartender says, “What’s wrong, pal? You look down.”

 

The guy sighs and says, “I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn’t talk to me for a whole month.”

 

The bartender says, “Gee, that’s too bad. When does that start?”

“Start? Today’s the last day.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Joke: Taxi Music

 

I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?”

I said, “Not at all.”

 

He said, “Kiss?”

I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: High School Senior

 A high school senior visited a psychic.

“I’ve applied to 10 different colleges,” the student said. “Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?”

 

“That is hard to say,” said the psychic. “But you will spend an absurd sum of money.”

“How do you know this?” the student asked.

 

The psychic replied …

“It’s mostly intuition.”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Ugly Baby

 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

 

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her, “The driver just insulted me.”

 

The man says, “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Not Happy

 This morning on the way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

 

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, “I’m not happy.”

 

I said, “Well, which one are you then?”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Linguistics professor

 

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.

 

“In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative.”

 

A voice from the back of the room said, “Yeah, right.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: My dog

 

There was a knock at my door earlier. When I opened the door, a cop was stood there.

“Mr Jones?”, he asked.

 

“Yes,” I replied.

“I’m afraid your dog’s just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”

 

I said, “I don’t think so – my dog doesn’t have a bike.”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Wake him up

 

The teacher is droning away in the classroom one day when he notices a student sleeping at the back of the class.

 

The teacher shouts to the sleeping student’s neighbour, “Hey wake that student up!”

 

The neighbour yells back, “You put him to sleep, you wake him up!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Speeding

 

A guy got pulled over by a cop for speeding.

The cop said, “Do you know how fast you were going, Sir?”

 

The guy replied, “I was just trying to keep up with the traffic.”

The cop said, “There is no traffic, Sir.”

 

The guy answered, “That’s how far behind I am.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Electricity bill

 

My electricity bill was running suspiciously high so I had the power company send someone over.

 

He found a wire tapped into my house running to a neighbour’s.

 

Watt do you know, a Joule thief lives next to my Ohm.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Sine and cosine

 

A thief stole a sine and a cosine.

He took the two identities to a beach.

However, they were too heavy for him to carry.

 

He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine.

 

He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine – but that resulted in tan!

He did not want to get tan so he stacked cosine over sine.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Picture of lawyer & secretary

 

The lawyer looked across at his client and calmly said, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you.”

 

The client said, “Okay. I guess let’s here the good news first.”

 

So the lawyer said “You’re wife has found a picture worth a million dollars.”

 

The client replied, “Oh but that’s fantastic! But tell me, what’s the bad news?””

 

The lawyer said, “It’s a picture of you and your secretary.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: An erection

 

I went for a colonoscopy the other day. As I lay on my side on the table, the nurse got ready to do the examination. As they did so they looked at me and smiled as they said, “Don’t worry, it’s quite normal to get an erection.”

 

I said, “I haven’t got an erection.”

 

They said, “No, but I do.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Pretty Woman

 

I was on a flight the other day and I found I’d been seated next to a beautiful young woman.

 

As I sat down next to her I said, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

 

She said, “Yes, but I wasn’t prepared to pay.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Seven-course meal

 

I invited this girl I liked over to my house for a seven-course meal.

 

She said, “Ooh, that sound’s lovely. What are we having?”

 

I said, “A pizza and a six-pack of beer.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...