Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Chessboard Cake

 I bought a chessboard cake from the baker’s today.

I took one bite and said, “It’s stale, mate.”

 

He seemed surprised and said, “No, mate.”

I handed it to him and said, “Check mate.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Really Smart Girlfriend

I left my phone at home so I borrowed my friend’s to call my girlfriend.

 

She answered, “Hi, honey!”

 

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

[worldangel]

Joke: Have A Nice Cup Of Tea

 My wife left me because I’m too insecure.

 

No wait, she’s back.

 

She just went to make a cup of tea.

[worldangel]

Joke: Rock, Paper, Scissors

I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”

 

I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.

 

He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.

[worldangel]

Joke: Noah And The Snakes

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.

After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.

 

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding Ticket

I got pulled over for speeding by a woman police officer.

 

I almost talked my way out of it by telling her she looked stunning.

 

Then I messed up by saying, “And that’s not even the drink talking!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Want To Be A Millionaire

I told my new girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my Dad.

 

She said, “Wow, your Dad’s a millionaire?”

 

I said, “No, but he wants to be.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Black Hole In Living Room

I put a black hole in my living room.

 

It’s great.

 

Really pulls the room together.

[worldangel]

Joke: 32nd Birthday

 My wife is turning 32 soon.

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

 

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

 

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

 A man and his wife are having an argument.

The wife yells, “Get out of the house, I hate you! I want a divorce, get out now!”

 

Then, as her husband is walking out the door, she screams, “I hope you die a slow and painful death!”

 

The husband stops and says, “Hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Best Thing

 An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever.

 

His friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread.”

 

The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind.”

[worldangel]

Joke: EA Games Job Interview
I went for a job interview at EA Games today.

The interviewer said to me, “The second part of your resume is missing.”

 

I said, “For the second part, you have to pay $20.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife’s Birthday Present

 It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it.

 

She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her.

[worldangel]

Joke: Redneck Death

 A redneck’s father died in his sleep one night.

In the morning, when the redneck discovered the body he called 911 to come and pick it up.

 

The 911 operator said she would send someone out right away and asked, “Where do you live?”.

The redneck replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”

 

The operator then asked, “Can you spell that for me, please?

There was a long pause before the redneck finally said, “How ’bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Key To Comedy

 I went for a minor procedure at the hospital the other day. As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in, I said, “I have a joke for you.”

 

The anaesthetist said, “You’d better be quick!”

I said, “Do you know what the key to comedy is?”

 

Then I smiled and When I woke up a couple of hours later, I asked the nurse to pass the anaesthetist a message: “Timing.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A lie detector

 

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

 

He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!"

 

The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!"

 

The father replies, "What? When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father.

 

The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.

[worldangel]

Joke: The couple

 

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.

 

They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.

 

The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much.

 

The husband says he still can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.

 

The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

[worldangel]

Joke: A boss & his secretary

 

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

 

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself."

 

She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?"

 

She responds, "The bastard used coins, so I'm still picking it up and he is still having sex with me!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Job Qualification

I went for a job interview today. The interviewer said, “If you get the job, forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”

 

I said, “I didn’t go to college.”

 

She said, “Well then, you’re under-qualified to work here.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Another Child

 My parents just told me they’d love another child.

 

I said, “I’d love a little brother or sister!”

 

They said, “That’s not what we meant.”

[worldangel]

Joke: My Greatest Strength

I went for a job interview today.

 

The interviewer said to me, “What would you say your greatest weakness is?”

 

I said, “I think I’d have to say my listening skills are my greatest strength.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Biggest Weakness

I went for a job interview today.

The interviewer asked me, “What’s your biggest weakness?”

 

I said, “Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics.”

I said, “Yes, I could.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Weight gain

Why do guys gain weight after they get married?

Because when they’re single, they come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.

 

When they’re married, they come home, see what’s in the bed, and go to the fridge.

[worldangel]

Joke: Death bed

A stingy man was lying on his death bed. He asks his wife if she is there. She says that she is.

 

He asks his son if he is there. He replies that he is.

He asks if his daughter is there. She replies that she is.

 

As he finds out everyone is there, he has a heart attack and dies. His last words were, “Why… is no-one… in the shop?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Will Mention

 “Am I mentioned in the will?” asked the nephew nervously.

 

“You sure are,” replied the lawyer. “It says right here… To my niece Susan I bequeath one hundred and fifty thousand dollars, to my cousin Alice seventy five thousand dollars, and to my nephew Paul who was always asking if he was mentioned in the will, I say, ‘Hi Paul’.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Stolen Credit Card

I went to the police and told them my credit card had been stolen six months earlier.

They asked me, why I hadn’t reported it earlier.

 

I said, “Because the thief was spending less than my wife.”

I said, “I think the thief’s wife has started using it.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Rabbits

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves one day and the wolves chased them into a thicket where they hid.

 

After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, “Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Billionaire Marriage

A 60 year-old billionaire gets married to a super-hot 21 year old girl.

 

At the party after the ceremony, the billionaire is talking to an old friend who wants to know the secret of how he such a beautiful, young bride.

 

“It’s easy” the billionaire boasts, “I just lied about my age.”

 

The friend replies, “Yes, but even for a 45-year-old guy, she is stunning. By the way, what age did you tell her you are?”

 

With a smile, the billionaire says, “85.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Hearing Problem

I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing.

 

He said, “Can you describe the symptoms?”

 

I said, “They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

[worldangel]

Joke: New Car

 My boss pulled up to work in a beautiful new top-of-the-range car today.

 

I complimented him on it and he said to me, “Well, if you get your head down and work hard, set goals and stay committed to them, be determined and work long hours….

 

Maybe next year I can get an even better one.”

[worldangel]

Joke: BDSM Magazines

 A Mom finds some BDSM magazines beneath her son’s bed.

 

She calls her husband up to the room, shows him, and asks, “What do you think we should do?”

 

The Dad frowns and says, “Well, I suppose spanking him is out of the question.”

[worldangel]

Joke: I’m Responsible!

I went for a job interview today and the guy interviewing me told me they were looking for someone responsible.

 

I said, “In that case, I’m your guy. In my last job, every time something went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Dog Poop Seller

I told my friend that I made $500 a month selling dog poop.

 

He said, “That’s gross!”

 

I said, “No, that’s net.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Name Origins

A boy asks his Dad, one day, “Dad, why is my sister called Paris?”

His Dad replies, “Because she was conceived in Paris.”

 

The boy says, “Ahh, thanks Dad.”

His Dad says, “You’re welcome, Backseat.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde Car

A blonde pushes her car into a gas station one day.

She tells the mechanic it just died as she was driving along.

 

The mechanic works on it and soon has the engine idling smoothly.

The blonde asks him, “So, what’s the story?”

 

The mechanic says, “Just crap in the carburettor.”

The blonde asks, “Okay, how often do I have to do that?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Fresh snails

 

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink.

 

One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it’s nine in the evening.

 

Realizing he’s extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell.

 

His furious wife opens the door. ‘Where the hell have you been?’ she screams.

The husband waves back to the snails, “Come on, lads!” he shouts. “We’re nearly there!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Argument

 

A man and his wife are having an argument.

 

The wife yells, “Get out of the house, I hate you! I want a divorce, get out now!”

 

Then, as her husband is walking out the door, she screams, “I hope you die a slow and painful death!”

 

The husband stops and says, “Hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Second Funeral

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall whilst carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan.

 

So, they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.

 

She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there’s another funeral for her.

 

At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Turned Down Marriage Proposal

 

A guy takes his wife out for the night. They end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going.

 

The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

 

The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Bill In The Mailbox

A doctor is at a party where he gets to talking to a lawyer friend. He tells the lawyer how sick he is of his friends always asking him for free medical advice.

 

The lawyer says, “Just to what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox.”

 

The doctor says he’ll give this a try and thanks his lawyer friend.

 

When the doctor gets home, he finds a bill in the mailbox from his lawyer.

[worldangel]

Joke: A Picture Paints A Thousand Words

My teacher asked me to submit a 1,000 word essay.

 

I couldn’t be bothered.

 

So, I handed in a picture instead.

[worldangel]

Joke: You Should See My Girlfriend

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, bragging about his highly paid job and his expensive sports car.

 

Then he showed me a picture of his wife on his phone and said to me, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

 

I replied, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend.”

He asked, “Why? Is she a stunner?”

 

I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Good Job I Checked!

Knock, knock.

 

Who’s there?

 

It’s the undertaker, sir…. It’s a good job I checked.

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnant Woman

 

A heavily pregnant woman hobbles painfully into the hospital with one hand on her back.

 

A nurse comes over to her and asks her what’s wrong, but the woman just shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!”

 

The nurse shakes her head and says, “Sorry, I don’t understand.”

The woman screams, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!”

 

The nurse is really confused and turns to a doctor who says, “Admit her. She’s having contractions.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Art Critic

 A young, up-and-coming artist was exhibiting his work for the very first time.

 

A world famous art critic was there and he came up to the young artist and asked him, “Would you like my opinion on your work?”

 

“Yes”, replied the artist.

“It’s worthless,” said the critic.

 

The artist said, “Yes, I know, but tell me anyway.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Splitting up

 

I was in the park yesterday when I saw a tramp having a huge argument with his girlfriend on a bench. He suddenly stood up and poured his bottle of meths over the bench and set it on fire.

 

“What the hell are you doing?” I yelled at him.

 

He said, “She can leave me if she wants, but there’s no way she’s getting the house.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t Eat Anything Fatty

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

 

I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?”

 

He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Wifi Password

 I was at a funeral today and I asked the priest for the wifi password.

 

“Have some respect for the dead!” he said.

 

“Ok, is that all lower case with no spaces?” I asked.

[worldangel]

Joke: How To Tell Twins Apart

I’ve been sleeping with this really sexy girl who’s a twin.

 

My friend asked me how I tell them apart.

 

I said, “That’s easy – her brother has a beard.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Happy Wife

 My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy.

 

She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.”

 

I said, “Oh yeah, and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”

She said, “Your name never came up in conversation.”