A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)

[Guest golf fan]

that's a good joke, itaewan :thumb: some more pls.

[Itaewan]

A travel agent (true story)

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York"

The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is.

Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"-------------------------------------------------

[LupCheong]

Joke for Friday, yay Friday is here again.

Husband: (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I`m now logged in."

Wife???: Have you brought the grocery?

Husband: Bad command or filename.

Wife???: But I told you in the morning!

Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife???: What about my new TV?

Husband: Variable not found ...

Wife???: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.

Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...

Wife???: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?

Husband: Too many parameters...

Wife???: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband: Data type mismatch.

Wife???: You are useless.

Husband: It`s by Default.

Wife???: What about your Salary?

Husband: File in use ... Try later.

Wife???: What is my value in the family.

Husband: Unknown Virus

MORAL: Beware before getting married to an IT pro.

[Itaewan]

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe,

"Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men

have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign,

or a poem for our culture, not like the white men, who live all together

and repeat their names from generation to generation.

Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake,

because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there's your brother,Big White Horse of the Prairies

because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops

over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol

of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.

It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions?

Little Broken Condom Made in China

[Asura]

MORAL: Beware before getting married to an IT pro.

LupLup so bad

A Fatal exception had occurred at 003E:6F234A7D in VXD SND 0034:67ED7F. The current application will be terminated.

Press any ket to terminate the application

Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to restart your computer. You will lose any unsafe information in all applications

Press any key to continue.

[LupCheong]

Bonus Joke for Friday, TGIF!

Top 10 Funny Store Signs

1.Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.

2.Outside a hotel: Help We need inn-experienced people.

3.On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left.

4.In a veterinarians waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes, Sit Stay

5.At the electric company: We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont you will be.

6.On the door of a computer store: Out for a quick byte.

7.In a restaurant window: Dont stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.

8.Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.

9.In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully, well wait.

10.In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sat

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

[Itaewan]

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to

go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.

Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day,

he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching

the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sunday

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired trips to where? "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?";

Ralph: "I'm going to go get her."

[Steman]

Joke for Sunday 

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired trips to where? "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?";

Ralph: "I'm going to go get her."

LC really professional, so fast back from the party and postings liao.......

No wonder you got what you wanted..... :clap: :thumb:

[Itaewan]

Dollah grew up in Kota Baru, a town located on the East Coast of Malaysia,

and then moved away to KL to do his law degree.

He decided to return to Kota Baru because he could be a big man and really wanted to impress everyone.

So he returned and opened his new law office.

The first day he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big

impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door,

Dollah picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in Kuala Lumpur that I won't

settle this case for less than one million ringgit. Yes.

The Appeals Court has agreed to argue that case next week.

I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support! Okay.

Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes.

All the while the man sat patiently as Dollah rattled instructions.

Finally, Dollah put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for

the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from Telekom, I've come to connect your line.

[Riko]

Dollah grew up in Kota Baru, a town located on the East Coast of Malaysia,

and then moved away to KL to do his law degree.

He decided to return to Kota Baru because he could be a big man and really wanted to impress everyone.

So he returned and opened his new law office.

The first day he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big

impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door,

Dollah picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in Kuala Lumpur that I won't

settle this case for less than one million ringgit. Yes.

The Appeals Court has agreed to argue that case next week.

I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support! Okay.

Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes.

All the while the man sat patiently as Dollah rattled instructions.

Finally, Dollah put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for

the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from Telekom, I've come to connect your line.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Itaewan, your jokes are awesome!! I was laughing my ass off after this!!

[LupCheong]

Joke for Monday 28 May 2007

A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

[Itaewan]

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your

physical description on your bag so they know

who's luggage belongs to who?"

I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied,

"Well, when I checked in with the airline,

they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT

and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"

After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it"

(I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for

Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination

tag on her luggage

[LupCheong]

Joke for Tuesday

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[Itaewan]

I just got off the phone with a man who asked,

"How do I know which plane to get on?"

I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied,

"I was told my flight number is 823,

But none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

[IkuTube]

There once was a very good old barber in New York.

One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies, "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."

The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Singaporean software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."

The Singaporean software engineer is happy and leaves.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there............

... a dozen Singaporeans waiting for a free haircut!

[LupCheong]

Joke for Wed

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN

AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. She opened the door and Much

to her Dismay, saw a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had

no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider You, are You?"

The Widow said."Just look at you ... You have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in Bed??"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

[Itaewan]

George: Condi! Nice to see you, What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader

of China.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the

Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China ?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China ?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi.I need to know the name of the new leader of

China.

Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.

And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the

U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the

phone!!!!!!!!!!!

[LupCheong]

Joke for Vesak day, happy holiday everyone!

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location!'"

[LupCheong]

A short funny SMS I sent to most of my contacts :

ij

[LupCheong]

Anyway a short joke for Friday 1 June 2007, how times flies..half a year gone liow...hope you had a good Vesak Day...

The absent-minded judge went to the dentist and said ,"Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?"

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sat

"Daddy , how did I come into this world?"

"Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you anyway. "

"So why not today? Please!"

"OK, but listen carefully. Mom and dad met each other in a cyber cafe.

In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom.

Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick.

When mom finished downloading we discovered we used no firewall.

Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus!

[Itaewan]

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of CV's he found four people who were equally qualified.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked,

"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT.

It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way, it's just there.

A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm.....let me see.

A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.

A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer.

"The blink of an eye... that's a very popular clich

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sun

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, you should know something.The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb.blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[DragonRider]

Since we are on the subject on Blondes, here's one.

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!

I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I started

jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."

I asked," What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said.... (You're going to love this!) "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!".

[LupCheong]

Joke for Monday, have a good week ahead!

These are some reportedly real "away" auto responder email messages:

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail

to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctor's having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless e-mails you send me until I return from my holidays. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical

reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'

[Itaewan]

The Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who

was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.

His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you.

You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll

talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they

could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where

his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up,

you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking

about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,

and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Tuesday

This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.

One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window; my husband is home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like crazy out there and I'm naked!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window!

When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running marathon," so he started to run along beside the others - only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes over his arm.

One of the runners asked, "Do you always run in the nude?"

He answered, while gasping for breath, "Oh yes. It feels so free having the air blow over my skin while I'm running."

Another runner then asked the nude lover, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

The naked lover answered breathlessly, "Oh yes. That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car and just go straight home without a shower!"

The marathon runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

The nude man answered, "Only if it's raining..."

[Itaewan]

Which Way to Heaven?

Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.

Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven."

The boy replied, "I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office."

[Guest Guest_clementi]

Itaewan, your jokes are quite good and unique however be careful when jokes on races, religion, etc. Avoid it, on 3 May 07 the Moderator has given his warning, see below:

----------------------

Posted: May 03, 2007 02:34 am

Lungker, Senior Member

Group: BW Moderators

Posts: 324

Member No.: 4

Joined: May 25, 2005

QUOTE

2. No racist and anti-religious comments

Racist and anti-religious comments about a particular religion is forbidden. We live in a multi-racial and multi-cultural society and we aspire to respect BWers of any races or religions. Racist or offensive religious comments will be removed immediately to protect the sensitivities of our readers.

Please refer to the above posting guidelines.

LC, I know you did not create the jokes yourself and I thank you for the diligence in posting jokes daily for our enjoyment.

However, some jokes posted could be deemed racist from certain racial community in our country.

You know as well as me how sensitive the government in Singapore are to such things. Racist comments are often disguised as joke. Happen all the time but although it is a joke, if you are from the race that is the butt of the joke, you will not find it funny.

Please continue to contribute but I am removing the posts that may incur the unnecessary attention of the authorities here. Basically, it mean please do not post jokes that might offend any of the races in Singapore. Thank you for understanding.

World Angel and others, please take note too. Thank you.

[LupCheong]

Joke for Wed

Steven was a janitor working in a nunnery .

The nunnery he works at has a huge pool in one of the rooms for the nuns to bathe in.

One night, when the nuns are sleeping, Steven decided to go to the pool for a bath. It was refreshing!

Suddenly, he heard the door opening!

3 senior nuns were back from a trip to a neighbouring church and decided to have a bath!

With no where to hide, Steven quickly grabbed 2 rolled up towels and stood by the side of the pool, pretending to be a statue.

The 3 nuns went to the pool side and stared at the strange looking "statue ".

As the nuns had never seen a naked man before, they were curious at the sight of his penis.

The 1st nun went forward and gave it a hard tug!

shocked, Steven dropped the towel in his right hand.

"It's a towel dispenser " announced the 1st nun!

The 2nd nun tugged at his Penis too and he dropped the towel in his left hand.

"Yes, this statue is a towel dispenser!" Confirmed the 2nd nun..

The 3rd nun , needing a towel too, began to tug at his penis.

However, no towel dropped to the floor!

Frustrated, the 3rd nun started tugging at the penis repeatedly.

Unable to take it anymore, Steven cummed into the nun's hand!

Wiping her hands, the 3rd nun said: "Ladies, I think this statue is a soap dispenser as well! "

[Itaewan]

Thank you Guest_clementi for the reminder

[Itaewan]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful.

Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, Eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand,

and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Thurs

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done

anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the

Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were

threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they

wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him

on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on

the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

[LupCheong]

Joke for Fri

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

"Dave.....

Dave.....

Dave, you sick bastard

You're a vet."

[kiddo]

Joke for Fri

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

"Dave.....

Dave.....

Dave, you sick bastard

You're a vet."

hahaha lucky you post it here...if you post it in buaya's sub folder i thin he wil go mad =x lols!!

[Riko]

Good holy fsck that was funny and totally uncalled for@@!!!!

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sat, have a happy weekend!

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Itaewan]

A business man called and had a question about the documents he

needed in order to fly to China.

After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.

"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."

I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.

When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times

and every time they have accepted my American Express."

[Riko]

Hahaha... what a dumbass.

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sun

A general was questioning a number of his soldiers...

General: "Why did you all ran away when the enemies confronted you? If you do not give a valid reason, you will all be subjected to court martial!"

Soldiers: "Sir, do you know the Earth is round? We were running to take on the enemies from the rear."

[LupCheong]

Joke for Monday, have a fruitful week ahead!

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your degrading blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little f*cker on your knee!"

[Itaewan]

Ah Lian called big brother Ah Beng over the telephone.

Lian: "Ah Beng kor, I can't get my new jig saw puzzle fixed,

mah-chiam all the edges cannot fix together, lah."

Beng: "Jig saw puzzle si mi picture, ha?"

Lian: "The box show a big rooster, kanna like the one in talkingcock.com."

Beng: "Okay, lah, okay, lah. I come over to tor-long lu, lah."

Ah Beng arrives at Ah Lian's place, where she happily leads him to the

kitchen table where the jigsaw puzzle is.

Ah Beng examines the puzzle and says, "Si ghee na, si bay gong, put

back the corn flakes into the box, lah."

[LupCheong]

Always Start your day with a lot of....S E X

S = SMILE

E = ENERGY

X = XCITEMENT

So make S E X a daily habit, and you'll always be SUCSEXFUL in Life!

[LupCheong]

Joke for Tues

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the formwhat remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor!Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in ^#@^pit.

S: Something tightened in ^#@^pit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in ^#@^pit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Itaewan]

QUESTION: How do you know frogs are Hokkien?

ANSWER : Because when it's cold, they go "kwah, kwah, kwah".

QUESTION : How do Hokkien prawns laugh?

ANSWER: Hae hae hae (hokkien for prawns)

QUESTION: How do Hokkien fish laugh?

ANSWER : Hee hee hee (hokkien for fish)

And here is a classic..............

QUESTION : What's the difference between Ang-mor and Hokkien fairy Tales?

ANSWER: Ang-mor fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..." and

Hokkien fairy tales begin with "Lim Peh ka li kong..."

[LupCheong]

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350."

"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."