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A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)


LupCheong
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Gay Joke: The Confession

There was a gay guy in his early 20's who decided he had to tell his family about his sexual orientation. He decided to tell his mother first. So one day he was sitting in her kitchen talking with her while she was working on making a stew.

He decided this was the time and so he said, "Mom, I have something I have to tell you". She said, "Yes what is it?" He said, "I'm gay!"

She didn't respond. She just kept stirring her stew.

Thinking she hadn't heard, he repeated, "I'm homosexual"!

She said, "Yes I heard you the first time. Doesn't that mean that you put another men's penis in your mouth?" He gulped, bit the bullet and said, "Yes."

She walked across the kitchen and hit him right on top of the head with her big wooden spoon and said,

"Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again." :o

Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy Demaret

Quote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)

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Gay Joke: Blow Job

A man with a big smile on his face walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What'll ya have?"

"Gimme 12 shots of rum, 5 tequilas and a cup of coffee!" The bartender begins serving the man. The man gulps them down as fast as he can make them, and lights a cigarette.

"So what's the occasion?" asks the bartender. "Just had my first blow-job".

"Really, How was it?"

"Not too bad but I can still taste it!" :o

Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy Demaret

Quote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)

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Gay Joke: Break in

The police department received a call at 1A.M. from a professor at the local university who reported a break-in.

"The man was a huge brute," the professor reported. "He ripped the covers off the bed and found me sleeping naked. He looked at me in the most vile possible way and then he exposed this incredibly large penis."

"That sounds awful," The sympathetic police clerk responded.

"That's not the worst part. He made me put that disgusting thing in my mouth, then he turned me over and shoved it up my ass until I felt like I would split in two. Then he pissed all over me."

"We'll send a squad over right away to look for him," the clerk said.

"Oh, you don't have to do that," the professor said. He's in the shower now. Why don't you just come over and pick him up in the morning." ;)

Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy Demaret

Quote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)

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Joke for Sun :lol:

A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area. ''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me?'' ''Lipstick remover.'' :D

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Joke for Monday, have a good week :)

Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?" "An orgy," Johnny answered. :D

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Joke: What Is His Job?

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" :rolleyes:

Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy Demaret

Quote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)

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Joke: An Ode To Old Age

There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,

And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.

My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;

The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;

My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.

When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,

But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?

I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;

If my names not there, I'll once again start -

Perfecting the art of falling apart. ;)

Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy Demaret

Quote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)

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Joke: Good & Bad News

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???"

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you." ;)

Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy Demaret

Quote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)

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Joke for Tues ;)

A man named Gerry asked his doctor if there was a test to help him determine if he was gay. The Doctor said, 'Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants.' Gerry pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to 'say 55.' Gerry said '55.' The doctor then grabbed Gerry's penis and told him to 'say 55.' Gerry said '55.' The doctor then told Gerry to turn around, and putting a finger in Gerry's anus he once again told him to 'say 55.' .......... Gerry said '1...2...3...' :D

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Joke: Bright Kid

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" :o:rolleyes:

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Jokes: New Taxi Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.

"The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years." :rolleyes:

Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy Demaret

Quote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)

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Guest Guest

clementi & crazygolfer both of your jokes are stale lupcheong already told these jokes back in June 29th to be precise, this showed that you guys never pay attention to lupcheong who recently awarded the covet title as best joker by BW.shame on you two :yuk:

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Guest Guest

Shame on you guest at 5.02pm for being so fxxking picky!!! :yuk: I aint see you contributing anything useful to this forum. Except criticism which you can shalf it up your chute. :whistle:

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Ooi ooi, no quarelling in my thread ok, wait my A Joke A Day thread kena moved to The Flaming Room hor, I will use my lupcheong to slap both of you! :D

Anyway for the record, I was not awarded any best joker of BW award lah, just Mr. Congeniality, also donno what it mean...haha..maybe it means I have no life and always on irc. :D

Doesn't matter if my jokes are repeated by someone lah, sometimes I also forgot what jokes I posted and may post same jokes again. :lol:

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clementi & crazygolfer both of your jokes are stale lupcheong already told these jokes back in June 29th to be precise, this showed that you guys never pay attention to lupcheong who recently awarded the covet title as best joker by BW.shame on you two :yuk:

Sorry Sir!. I think, I should remain in golf thread :oops:

Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy Demaret

Quote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)

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OMG, like that also can argue?

ahem... to the guest, while you stated golfer never pay attention to LC, neither did you, as LC was never awarded the best joker (and is that suppose to be funny?)

:thumb: When I Think It, I Do It, I Win It! :thumb:

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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here.

Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he breaks wind. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him.

"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.

"The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card; you can have the key back and you can keep the

z

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sorry hijack thread.

Wah OB you got new avatar? So eye catching. Let us know if you become more "laku".

:)

I had to do this... Sorry...

What new avatar??? :blink: So many people talking about it but I still see the same 'No Drugs' avatar... *Blur*

Buaya, too much cum on your eyes ??? For your sake, this is the avatar from me to him

BIGCOCK.gif

z

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Crazygolfer, you can stay wherever you wanted, am sure LC wouldnt mind someone sharing his "burden" of posting a joke a day.

Yeah Thanks :D :thumb:

--------

Joke: Parking Bank

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man went back to bank, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in Interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait Sir", the loan officer said, "While you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for

two weeks and pay only $15.40?" :blink:

Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy Demaret

Quote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)

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Joke for Thurs ;)

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, 'Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?' She says, 'Why, officer?' The officer replies, 'Because your breast is hanging out.' She looks down and says, 'OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!' :D

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Joke for Friday ;)

Three men went into a stripper bar and this stripper came over to them and started to shake her ass. The first guy goes, ''Watch this,'' so he licks a 50 dollar bill and sticks it on her ass. The second guy goes, ''Oh yeah? Watch this,'' so he takes a 100 dollar bill and licks it and sticks it on her ass. The third guy goes ''That's nothing! He takes out his credit card, slides it down her ass crack and takes the money.' :D

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Defense Attorney:

>Will you please state your age?

>

>Little Old Lady:

>I am 86 years old.

>

>Defense Attorney:

>Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

>

>Little Old Lady:

>There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring

>evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

>

>Defense Attorney:

>Did you know him?

>

>Little Old Lady:

>No, but he sure was friendly.

>

>Defense Attorney:

>What happened after he sat down?

>

>Little Old Lady:

>He started to rub my thigh.

>

>Defense Attorney:

>Did you stop him?

>

>Little Old Lady:

>No, I didn't stop him.

>

>Defense Attorney:

>Why not?

>

>Little Old Lady:

>It felt good. Nobody had done that since

>my Albert died some 30 years ago.

>

>Defense Attorney:

>What happened next?

>

>Little Old Lady:

>He began to rub my breasts.

>

>Defense Attorney:

>Did you stop him then?

>

>Little Old Lady:

>No, I did not stop him.

>

>Defense Attorney:

>Why not?

>

>Little Old Lady:

>His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.

>I haven't felt that good in years!

>

>Defense Attorney:

>What happened next?

>

>Little Old Lady:

>Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him

>"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

>

>Defense Attorney:

>Did he take you?

>

>Little Old Lady:

>Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"

>And that's when I shot him

z

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Joke for the weekend ;)

Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter and the other had a son. When their kids were teenagers they started dating, and the two farmers encouraged it. One day the girl's father went over to the other farmer's house and said that he didn't want their children dating anymore.

The boy's father asked, "Why not?" The other farmer said, "Come here and I'll show you." In his yard was the girl's name written in pee in the snow. The boy's father said, "Oh, come on, that's just boy stuff." The other farmer said, "You think I don't know my own daughter's handwriting?" :D

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Before and After :D

Before the marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top

z

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Think Positive!!

This is nice - finding positive out of every negative - which we don't

always manage to do. I am thankful...

1. For the boyfriend who snores all night, because he is at home asleep

with me and not with someone else.

2. For my teenage daughter who is complaining about doing dishes,

because that means she is at home & not on the streets.

3. For the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.

4. For the mess to clean after a party because it means that I have

been surrounded by friends.

5. For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have

enough to eat.

6. For my shadow that watches me work because it means I am out in the

sunshine.

7. For a floor that needs mopping, and windows that need cleaning

because it means I have a home.

8. For all the complaining I hear about the government because it

means that we have freedom of speech.

9. For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot

because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.

10. For the noise I have to bear from my neighbours because it means

that I can hear.

11. For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have

clothes to wear.

12. For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it

means I have been capable of working hard.

13. For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it

means that I am stilll alive.

AND FINALLY ....... for received e-mails because it means I have friends who are thinking of me, at least. ;)

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Joke for Sunday ;)

One day, an old lady decided that she didn't want to live anymore. So she went to the doctor and asked, ''What's the best way to kill yourself?'' The doctor told her, ''Well, shooting yourself in the heart is a fast method.'' She asked him, ''Where's the heart located?'' The doctor said, ''It's three fingers below the nipple.'' Later on, the police and paramedics arrive at her house. When the paramedic asks what happened, one officer says, ''We found her on the floor with a gunshot wound to the knee.'' :D

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Funny Things About Singaporeans

1. Thanks to SMS, you have an extra large thumb.

2. Tks 2 SMS, u oso dun no how 2 spel anymor.

3. You pat bus seats and even MRT seats to cool them before you sit down.

4. At lunch, you start discussing what to eat for dinner.

5. Your wedding photos include shots of you dressed up like Louis XIV, Michael Jackson, or Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in Titanic.

6. When speaking to foreigners, you somehow feel a need to adopt an accent.

7. You won't raise your voice to protest policies, but you'll raise your fists to whack someone over Hello Kitty.

8. You're forever talking about businesses you want to set up but will probably never get around to starting.

9. You don't know 3/4 of the people attending your wedding.

10. You separate food into 2 basic groups: 'heaty' and 'cooling'.

11. You think that what makes you 'married' is not the legal registration but whether you've thrown a 12 course dinner.

12. You marry for the real estate breaks.

13. You have kids for the tax advantages.

14. You move to where you want your child to go to school.

15. You force your children to take Speech & Drama classes, but pray they won't wind up in Arts later on.

16. You suddenly realize you're very interested in biotech - just like you suddenly realized three years ago that you were very interested in e-commerce, and before that, engineering, and before that, medicine and law.

17. You think people are inconsiderate when they don't leave their table immediately after eating at the food court but think you have every right to take 25 bites to finish the last red bean in your ice kachang.

18. You find it impossible to make suggestions without drawing a fishbone chart first.

19. If you're a guy, whenever you get together with your guy friends, you invariably trade army stories.

20. You think the most important sporting event in Singapore was David Beckham switching from Manchester United to Real Madrid.

21. You've eaten more times at the Esplanade than you've actually seen shows there.

22. You need campaigns to tell you how to be courteous, to flush toilets, have sex, etc.

23. You always feel oddly hungry at 11 pm, and are willing to drive to far away places for supper.

24. You work at McDonald's when you're old rather than young.

25. You'll gladly spend $50,000 on a car, but will go to great lengths to save a few bucks on ERP charges or even a few cents on a parking coupon.

26. If you're pregnant, you have the strange ability to make people on the MRT fall asleep instantly.

27. You've started referring to foreign employees as 'talent' instead of 'expatriates'.

28. At the dinner table, you're always discussing which other food places serve better versions of what you're eating.

29. You copy down licence plate numbers of cars involved in accidents.

30. You think your boyfriend doesn't really love you unless he gives you part of his liver.

31. You pronounce the letter 'R' as 'ah-rer' and the letter 'H' as 'haytch'.

32. No matter how old you are, you keep associating people with their secondary schools. (alternative: No matter how old you are, you secretly need to know what other people got for their PSLE, O levels and A levels.)

33. You believe that you can generate 'creativity' through rules and committees.

34. You 'chope' a seat by placing a packet of tissues on the chair.

35. You diligently track the whereabouts of your favourite hawkers, i.e. you know that the famous Tiong Bahru Bao is now in Jurong, the famous Outram Char Kuay Teow is now in Hong Lim Centre and the famous Lau Hock Kien Hokkien mee from the old Lau Pa Sat is now at Beach Road.

36. You think we're living in a modern, sophisticated country even when our leaders still insist on wearing their school uniforms

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More jokes for a boring Sunday :lol:

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?

GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!

BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.

BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.

BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!

GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!

GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??

TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.

WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?

MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?

PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"

Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"

Pupil : "The moon".

Teacher : "Why?"

Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Pupil : "A teacher".

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"

Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"

Sam : "It's a family tradition".

Teacher : "What do you mean?"

Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".

Teacher : "What about your mother?"

Sam : "She's a woman".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"

Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"

Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"

Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

Teacher : "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

:D:D:D

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Joke for Monday, have a good week! ;)

One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local bus station. At the front of the line was a very attractive blonde woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels.

As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again.

Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again.

With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step. Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus.

The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, 'Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!' With a grin, the Texan looks at her and replies, 'Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends.' :D

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Joke for Tuesday ;)

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.

Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress and the husband noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. 'Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him.'

This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. 'Now, tell HIM you have a headache.' :D

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Ponderism

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

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