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The Cloud Diary- 白云日记☁


amuse.ed

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2019年 12月 13日 晴

 

Yesterday weather was sunny and excellent, I went bicycle riding along Pasir Ris Park in the evening. To my surprise, I bumped into Mr B's parents at Downtown East. They were asking where have I been for the past one month and why aren't I am joining them for their family gatherings. I was stunned as they were so warmth and welcoming. For a moment I thought they are Ah Gong and Ah Ma. It also meant that Mr B has yet to bring another person to the family gathering, which could also meant that Mr B is not partnered. We had a good 30mins chat and they spoke so much of Mr B and how they wished that they could have a mini B soon. Anyway, I didn't WhatsApp him because I still need that time out. Last night lone time was awesome and I managed to capture a bright full moon. Looking forward to meeting Den and Chris tommorrow for an early Christmas Celebration. Thinking of you dad. 

20191213_130509.jpg

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2019年 12月 13日 大雨 2200hrs

Another song archived in dad favourite YouTube MTV folder. A 2006 song.... I was 6yo then. Who he had a commitment with? Or this song has reminded him of mum? Or something else. Weather too cool to think about it. Anyway,  I will be able to piece the puzzles altogether one day. 

 

 

 

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2019年 12月 14日 雨天 冻

Ok. I will give up on gay apps. This poem summed up my experiences. Period! 🙄🤬🤢

 

令弟(Lim Di)的APP初体验

仰望白云 爱看海浪

漫游狮城 为足球疯狂
熟读历史 常去教会Hallelujah
被人拉黑也是家常便饭


令弟就想痛痛快快
歇斯底里地爱一场
网络APP像是迷宫 绕也绕不完
缘起缘灭 不要问我stats多少

你说 Lim Peh 精力充沛 喜欢高潮

可怕得我想逃跑

别来找令弟抱抱
不要说你爱我的站号
可怜兮兮 装疯卖傻
以为我笨得会上你的当

和我撒娇 Oh my 天! 你这个烂桃花 
我说倒大霉也罢
交流后才知道你没内涵
往往都是以下体当做大脑


叹! 还是远离世人眼光最好
算了! 还是做个单身汉最好

 

ET 14.12.2019

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2019年 12月 15日 雨

Slept through the day and just woke up. It was almost a 16hrs sleep. Ah Gong cooked my favourite curry chicken and its always nice to eat something piping hot and spicy on a rainy day.

 

Was out with Den and Chris last night. Wanted to go OUT bar for their Canto night but both of them reminded me that I am still on medication and they rarely club so we went to Orchard to soak in the Christmas light up. This year light up was a meh, nothing much compared to last year. It was drizzling and we were mostly indoors. Managed to update with one another on our latest development. All ears and eyes were glued as I narrated how dad went MIA for 3 years without informing me and how the adult managed to con me. Both of them agreed it's wise for the adults to hide the truth from me back then, with most people sharing similar POV, I think what done cannot be undone. Den is ORDing soon and he will enrolled to NUS FASS next year. He seemed excited about it and can't wait to get a taste to hostel living. Chris has one more plus year to go. Basically they can't really share much on their life in army becase its supposed to be confidential (except for those long road marches and tiring SOCs). I wishes that the medical review on Tuesday would yield a positive outcome.

 

I am really blessed to have Den and Chris as my buddies, they would often listen to me emphatically and I feel so bad whenever I took up more of the air time. Importantly, I appreciated that they are not shying away just because of my bipolar disorder. The night ended pretty late and we parted ways, managed to catch the last public transport home.

 

While making my way back on a double decker, there was this China man who looked tipsy, sat on the upper deck of the bus singing and weeping away. His singing was so audible that I could even list out the title of the songs he sang. He wore a earpiece and I presumed he was singing to someone he loved who had passed on. Was inspired and wrote this:


在巴士上唱歌给你听


乘着末班车 醉熏熏
往事历历在目 涌上心头
高唱 你怎么舍得我难过

她说 修炼爱情
心如刀割 失落沙洲


这些歌都是你我爱听
对你的思念 我无法喊停
我以为 留得住你
但你却选择先行离去
可惜我无法与你同行

 

因为我深深知道
我得留下这条老命
代替你勇敢地活下去
无论多少人上车
我若无其事地哼着你我爱的歌

 

我得继续活得更充实更有活力
失落沙洲 唱入我心坎底

再见 我的爱人
谢谢妳 让我更加有信心
面对明天的自己

 

E.T 15.12.19

 

Missing you Mum and Dad have you ever sang these songs to Mum too?

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2019年 12 16日 晴

Finally there's sunshine after rain today. Woke up late afternoon and managed to browse through dad's items. Among his items were report books from his Primary to Secondary days. Just like me, Dad came from a neighbourhood school. It's true that he has been the class monitor for 6yrs and school prefect for 4yrs. There was only one year, he was the assistant class monitor.

 

I took on arts and literature in secondary school whereas dad was a science student. His grades dropped drastically after Sec 2.  He is imho definitely an Arts student. Ah Ma told me that she has always wanted Dad to be in science stream and since he scored well to make it to science she thought that he could gave it a shot. Little she realised her decision changed dad life altogether. Dad scored a D7 in English during O Levels and was enrolled into Electronic and Electrical Engineering at Ngee Ann Polytechnic. He retook his O levels English two yrs later and it was graded B3.  

 

Ah Ma said there was a World Financial Crisis and  Singapore was badly hit in 1996/1997. As much as dad wanted to switch to Mass Communication course which he could, both Ah Gong and Ah Ma objected and wanted him to continue with his coursework. Dad survived to graduate with an average grade and was encouraged to sign on to one of the Ministries that was a very popular choice among his peers back then.

 

Finally, the truth is revealed. Dad was a police officer for almost 5yrs 1998 to 2003. That was when I believed he met Mum and the car accident occured thereafter. There was a document that stated dad retired from the force due to infirmity of mind. He must have been coping with mum's death and fell into depression. Ah Gong and Ah Ma kept silence when I tried to verify what had happened to dad's mental health. I WhatsApp Auntie Bee but there's no reply from her until now. 

 

So what exactly happened? I am very curious to know.

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2019 12 17日 小雨

Woke up by a ambulance or fire engine siren, its seemed like a dream or was it from a nearby street? Anyway, I saw a note by Ah Ma that she and Ah Gong left for breakfast, asking me to meet them at CMPB instead. Its D-day whereby I would know what is my PES status today after 1400hrs. 

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2019 12 18日 晴

To my surprise, everyone was there yesterday including Dr Yap. I was under the scrutiny of a panel. It was explained that this medical review was specially arranged to assess primarily on my current mental health status. They asked many questions mostly open ended ones trying to elicit answers in relation to my gay identity and mental illnesses. Dr Yap looked calm and composed as her usual self, Ah Gong, Ah Ma and Auntie Bee left the room shortly after.

 

It seems like they knew alot about me and I suspected that they have already converse to my grandparents and Auntie Bee prior to the meet up. It was because the panel asked details on how I have been taking the news on dad 3 years departure. Shocked, surprised and unsettling were the words I used to describe how I feel about dad incident. One of the officers asked if I would ever trust another human being especially when my immediate and extended family members had left and they withholding the truth. I paused for awhile and told them that trust imho is build over a period of time and circumstances, I appreciated what my family members had done thus far and what they did was essential for my holistic well being. Sometimes withholding the truth might be the a better resolution but its also important to hear the truth ultimately. Another officer asked my perception on closures. I wasn't expecting that question, closure of which aspect I asked in return. The officer further explained the fact that I am gay, a person with bipolar disorder and "a parentless young adult" how did I resolute and make sense of my identity as a young adult. There were long silences, obviously this question was unexpected. I told them honestly that there would be no closures until my dad returns and tell me more who he is as a person instead of me piecing the puzzles together and I went on rattling on my perspectives on self-identity in which I also don't know what I said. lol. I observed that all ears were on my narrative. Some nodded with agreement and the rest look at me intensively. The discussion ended with them asking which unit would I prefer to be in if given a choice. Another surprise, since majority of the boys were assigned according to their aptitude tests and perhaps learnt skills and vocations. I replied Music and Drama or Psychological Unit would be beneficial for me. The officer who chaired the meeting preempted me that I will definitely be assigned to a non combat unit and highly likely it maybe more of administrative work than anything else. The meeting ended with Dr Yap spoke to me on my next medical appointment in March 2020. 

 

After the 1.5hrs "intensed grilling", we went for an early dinner. Auntie Bee surprised me with an big envelope, in there an air ticket to China and I was tasked to search for my paternal family roots of origin. Wow! Meaning I get to be on a quest to discover who my ancestors were. The trios agreed that it would be beneficial for them to know, from my perspective and foot prints on how Tai Gong came to Singapore from China. And since I won't be enlist so soon might as well spend my quality time doing things that are beneficial to the family. I started to bombard Ah Gong with questions but as usual he kept silence and told me he know little of Tai Gong too. I studied the documents carefully and it definitely aroused my curiosity how my Tai Gong migrated here.

 

The rest of the night was spent with the 3 of them  buying me winter clothings in preparation for my solo trip. I will be leaving this coming Sunday for 3 weeks " This trip I hope will be "a good temporary relieve and disconnection" from all the encounters I had thus far in Singapore. 

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2019 12 20日 晴

Managed to meet up with Mr B for an impromptu dinner. I told him my overseas trip and he gave me that non chalent look. Knowing that he is leaving for China as well around the same period I thought of wanting to meet him up mid point of my journey at Beijing for some site seeing. He declined and told me it's better off we stop seeing each other so frequently. I confronted him, asking him if he is seeing someone else, he kept silence for awhile and gave an apologetic look. FCUK! So he is really seeing someone else for this past one month. The reason he gave for the fact that I was invited to the dinner with his parents was because he just want to make up the numbers for the 3 for 1 hotel buffet. 

 

"You are thinking too much, stop reading the in between" he said. I lost my appetite and couldn't carried on the conversation with him. I excused myself to the gents, took a deep breath, washed my face and next I received a WhatsApp, Mr B texted that he has something urgent to attend to, he had left and dinner would be on him. So was that it? He just looked apologetic, he didn't say yes to whether he is seeing someone. Was it my naivety? I plugged in to dad's YouTube music account and this was the first song I heard, what a timely irony. 🙄😭

 

 

 

"当你的出现只是为了湊人数,那我情愿一生孤独。切记千万别把他人当做个数目。把人伤了又不觉得是理所当然的无辜"。- E.T.

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2019 12 21日 晴

 

The sounds of the airplane taking off, here I am at Changi Airport waiting for my midnight flight to Tianjin. Shaun will be there to welcome me and literally I have nothing to worry about because all was planned for me. I had insomnia last night perhaps its Mr B and maybe it's the trip that gotten me excited. Ah Ma cooked Tang Yuan as it's Winter Solace tmr, Ah Gong cooked our favourite tapioca leaves with sambal and my favourite ABC soup.

 

This is my first time to China and a semi lone trip. Would it make any differences if Mr B is here right now? Perhaps not. Saw 22:22 on the ceiling clock at the Airport and this reminded me that I need the peace and harmony in my life, be positive and move on despite the little setback I encountered with Mr B. Leonard, Den and Chris were right. No point dwelling on a person who choose to leave with just a WhatsApp msg.

 

I will try to update the diary where possible if not I will return on 3rd Jan 2020 to update on my trip at China. Back to pen writing again. Till then, Have A Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2020, Cloud Diary. 

20191221_222752.jpg

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2019 12 28日 冻
So its not about find my ancestral roots afterall. Auntie Bee has deliberately arranged for me to see Shaun for reperative therapy- in a psychotherapy that claims "could turn a gay into a straight man". Shaun is a family friemd, a Singaporean but has since moved to Tianjin to set up a church who "had successfully convert gay or bi to straight"

 

One of the contemporary important inteventions of the therapy Shaun claimed to have improvised over the years is for one to search the one's ancestral roots (sounded more like a scam to me). He said that Dad was counseled by him Singapore after mum's death. In my heart I was thinking, is this Shaun credible? Under his counsel, dad came home tipsy almost every night, smoking like nobody business, absenting himself and failed to be a dutiful single-father. The ultimatum, leaving his parents, sister and son for good 3 years? Shaun said that he respected dad's self determination. I was so angry that I locked myself in the room. The adult world is really crazy, they often choose to lie to achieve their objectives.  I am still deciding if I should leave this circumstance altogether. My air tickets are with Shaun and there is no way I can leave now yet I didn't wish to undergo the therapy. But perhaps he could tell me more about dad. I am seriously vexed. This way of baiting is horribly unethical imho.

Screenshot_20191228-074020_One UI Home.jpg

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2019 12 31日 冻

Coming to this trip is simply a big mistake, I was bombarded with loud messages that change is possible. I was simply out numbered by the umpteen bible scriptures that were showed to me and other brothers in Christ who said they are good testimonies. However one of them who spoke privately told me that he still has that temptations at times but his wife know about it. When i questioned him did he fall for the temptations, he immediately changed topic. Alas! what a mess! Going out now for the countdown party at 鼓楼 all by myself, in which Shaun agreed that I need a breather as well. 

 

May 2020 be a fabulous year for everyone and let's face up the reality to be who we truly are. Cheers!

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2020 1 5日 温

Yes. I am back. Had a big quarrel with Auntie Bee over WhatsApp, too emo draining to share the details. Anyway, found this 1998 song in Dad YouTube song list. A search revealed that its one of the Disney theme songs for cartoon "Mulan". Coincidentally, it will be onscreen again this 2020 but with real actors and actresses potraying the characters this time round. 

Simply love this verse: 

"只有爱里才拥有 自由气息
诚实 面对自己才有爱的决心"

 

 

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2020 1 5日 晴


深夜走在天津鼓楼街道
拖着沉重脚步 谁知晓
成人的世界是怎样 说也说不上
只知道他们说谎不把眼眨
总爱把所谓的真理往我身上套

莫非是三世的因果报
欠了他们什么 又挨他们唠叨
难道无条件的爱 真的是这样
怎么会让我感到窒息又烦恼
想要逃脱那所谓的放肆和解放

怎么做自己就那么难
每天带着面具当傀儡不累吗?
被珈锁束缚和禁锢很爽吗?
算了? 我 Give up? 是我心智缺成长?
在成人眼中情商还不够高格调?

我只想追逐自由与梦想
却往往与现实唱反调
永不言败 做最原始的我
我深知宇宙能赐我一双翅膀
翱翔那辽阔的蓝天与它长相厮守

 

怎就能不攻自破

 

E.T. 05.01.2020

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2020年 1 6日 热 

 

I felt so cheated. The adults had once again failed me. Why is my life so drama? I seriously couldn't comprehend what that 12 days trip was all about. I hoped to suffer an amnesia for it. Shuan and the rest of the brothers were so adamant in what they truly believe in. Even Shaun said the current Christinity movement at Singapore has took an incorrect path and they should have maintain their position statement by not neutralizing and silently agreed with the gay lifestyle. What's there to neutralise in the first place? What lifestyle was he spouting? He even said homosexuality is an intergenerational curse, my toes were laughing when i saw the rest nodded in agreement with him. If its genetically run in the family then why must it termed as a curse? So a chronic illness that runs in the family is also a curse? Isn't it supposed to be just a nature vs nurture issue? This is absurdity. 

 

I recalled the 22:22 I saw prior to my departure. As I reflected, it's definitely a challenge from the universe for me to attain peace and harmony in the midst of all these stupid nonsense. I met Leonard for dinner on Saturday and poured my sorrows. This was the first time in many years, I felt listened to. He shared with me his point of views on my challenge and he never failed to allow me to articulate my thoughts and feelings. This articulation helped me reaffirmed my convictions that I always adhered to. The adults have to understand that homosexuality has always been there since the N-th era. i was born in the era whereby there is nothing to shy away from such topic. The anti camp voices are real and I do respect that as well. But why impose it on another person? Don't all religions advocate for peace, joy and tranquility? 

 

So Dad, are you struggling to conform with the societal norms as well? And is it the reason why you choose to run away from home? Leaving your son in the lurch to face his own music? How selfish you are! And if you are reading this forum by any chance, face up with reality. Though you are 19 yrs older than me, I think I am steadier when it comes to being true to myself. 

 

Be a real man and come home dad. Stop hiding! 

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2020年 1 8日 晴

Its Ah Ma 65th lunar birthday yesterday, cooked her vermicelli for the first time. The adults have been quiet about my trip, they seemed to know that once they start the conversation, we will end up brawling. Often silence can be a double edged sword and it works in this family. Perhaps its not the time to talk about it, yet we all know that communication is much needed to close up the loop. Went Chinatown alone to soak into the positive festive mood, it did had an impact but only temporal. Images of couples kept swarming into my vision. There were homosexual couples as well, the lesbians were holding hands and the gays, not holding hands but their body languages spelled it all. Honestly speaking at the age of 19 enlisting into NS soon, romance should be the last thing up in my mind. I recalled what Mr Lee has always been telling me to stay focus, working towards no psychotic medications in 3yrs time and no suicidal thoughts for the next 6 months. Its tough emotionally but I believe that I can achieve that one of these days. I am still young and has a long way to go. Anyway, I have blocked Shaun and his brothers in Christ from my contact list. Seriously speaking, I do not wish to be involved in their ideology. The more I think about what had happened during the 12 days the worse I feel emotionally and psychologically. I WhatsApp Auntie Bee on this and thankfully she understood where I am coming from. Looking forward to the meet up with Den and Chris for the upcoming Light to Night Festival 2020 over the weekend. Hopefully the outing will inspires me to write more poems as I have alot in mind to say but no creativity to pen it down as yet. 

20200108_105942.jpg

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2020年 1 10日 晴

Was feeling unwell, my body is aching, throbbing headache and to make things worse, I am allergic to painkillers so no panadol for me. I have to carry this card with me just in case of any emergency, the medical team attending to me will be informed. I literally have to sleep my pain and ache off, recovery will take about 3 to 5 days. Good to be sick now, just in time for CNY. I should have been sick when I am at Tianjin so that at least there were reasons for me to be excused from all of those nonsense. Guess I have to postpone this weekend outing with Den and Chris. Back to more sleep now with JJ songs collection as my lullaby. Good night world. 

 

 

 

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2020年 1 10日 雨 

Feeling much better now. I was reminded of thie following song when I overheard it being played over one of the Chinese TV channels during the trip. The melody first struck me and after I read the lyrics, I find the song very emotional. Is true love so sacrificial? The 9pm Channel 8 drama female lead said in tonight's episode that if she truly love the male lead, she should ensure his happiness by letting go of their love relationship so that he can return to his first and perhaps only love. Love triangle.... something that's so familiar yet so far from me. And why did I have a tingling feeling over what she said? I was puzzled. Maybe that was dad and many of the lovebirds encounter as well.

 

 

张杰 

如歌
电视剧 烈火如歌 主题曲
作词:段思思
作曲:谭旋
编曲:陈思同

谢时间拈了眉头的霜花
谢沧桑 喂饱思念的马
谢绵长情话 投射了天涯
带我去小小红尘醉一下

谢那句再见让你害怕
谢狭路 让相逢不能罢
谢月的缺乏 常诉在卧榻
谢风沙 吹成年华

若遗憾是遗憾 若故事没说完
回头看 梨花已落千山
我至少听过 你说的喜欢
像涓涓温柔途经过百川

若遗憾遗憾 若心酸心酸
又不是非要圆满
来年秋风乱 笑看红叶转
深情 只好 浅谈

谢那句再见让你害怕
谢狭路 让相逢不能罢
谢月的缺乏 常诉在卧榻
谢风沙 吹成年华

若遗憾是遗憾 若故事没说完
回头看 梨花已落千山
我至少听过 你说的喜欢
像涓涓温柔途经过百川

若遗憾遗憾 若心酸心酸
又不是非要圆满
来年秋风乱 笑看红叶转
深情 只好 浅谈

若遗憾是遗憾 若故事没说完
回头看 梨花已落千山
我至少听过 你说的喜欢
像涓涓温柔途经过百川

若遗憾遗憾 若心酸心酸
又不是非要圆满
来年秋风乱 笑看红叶转
深情 只好 浅谈

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2020年 1 11日 晴
"不知不觉地被你吸引,不是我后知后觉发现你的才艺。而是我对你一见钟情。你可否有感应到我的呼吸,我的气息和心跳的频率? 但我有我的顾虑,更不想再次伤心。算了! 我是真的没那个福气。我只能静静看着你"。

 


邢增华老师,一路走好。

静静看着你(汤薇恩)

作词:邢增华
作曲:黎沸挥
有一种旅行没有目的
有一种对话稍无声息
有一种等待不是等待
有一种曾经了无痕蹟
有一种眼泪淌在心底
有一种痛楚就像呼吸
有一种守候仅是守候
有一种故事没有结局

静静看着你
隔着远远冷冷的空气
静静看着你挂著
轻轻浅浅的笑意
兜著圈找不到那种距离
不是你就是我那些刻意
你手心的温度是犹豫
兜著圈找不到那种距离
不是你就是我那些刻意
你手心的温度最美丽
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2020年 1 12日 晴

World politics has never been my forte but allow me to reflect what I have observed for the recent Taiwan Presidential Election. Yesterday Tsai and DPP landslide win has clearly indicated that majority of the Taiwanese need true freedom and democracy. While I was in Tianjin, it was evident that the national news were all trying to clamp down Tsai and her policies. Obviously, China wants to implement one country two systems on Taiwan in the future akin Hongkong. It was like a parent has abandoned their child and wanted to parent him after many years without realising that the child has his own values, perceptions and ideologies.

 

I feel so Taiwan, my mum has passed on, my dad left without a word. All I need is freedom to be who I am yet was imposed upon ideologies that wasn't in sync with mine. And if I have one takeaway from my trip it will be this, wisdom and discernment is different from being brave and courageous. Alot of brothers see themselves as "being brave for not conforming to the world" yet I see it as they have lost the opportunity to be who they truly wish to be and their life will be dictated by a book that wrote by men who claimed that what they wrote were their impressions of God's intentions. No offence but was it God's intend in the first place? Any reason for me not to be truly myself and live a life that I wish? This could seem far fetched for some but it's one's choice isn't it? And as much as I respect their way of living, why can't they respect mine as well?

 

Good to know: 

https://mothership.sg/2020/01/taiwan-complex-why/

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2020年 1 12日 晴

Sounded like dad and me woah. 

An INFJ (or Introvert, Intuitive, Feeling, Judger) is one of the Myers Briggs personality types and one that often cuts people out of their lives, often definitely. Here’s more on the INFJ personality, and why they are the way they are.

Many people might read this without having a clue what an INFJ is, let alone an INFJ “door slam.” However, INFJs, and those who have been involved in relationships with them, will understand exactly what it is.

INFJ is a personality type characterized by the Myers Briggs Personality archetypes. INFJs are believed to make up approximately one percent of the population and the initials stand for: introverted, intuitive, feeling, and judgment.

What is the Introvert ‘Door Slam’?

Out of all the INFJ traits, the “door slam” may be the most infamous. The reason is not due to the actual hypothetical door slamming, but because of what takes place up until it’s firmly shut.

When INFJs connect with someone, they give it their all, so if someone repeatedly takes advantage of the fact they have become emotionally invested, or if they are abused relentlessly, INFJs eventually decide enough is enough, and they will sever all ties. This can include blocking telephone numbers, social media links, and, in extreme cases, moving house and giving no forwarding address.

INFJs are tolerant creatures and are renowned for allowing people to treat them badly. They are compassionate, empathetic, forgiving souls, and they try to give people the benefit of the doubt and offer chance after chance in the hope the person will change.

INFJs hope that by slamming the door it will make the other person realize what they have lost and trigger them to put in a huge and genuine effort to make amends and attempt to work things out. INFJs don’t enjoy drama or leaving on a negative note, so in many ways, the door slam can be a final chance for the other person to be jolted to action. Even if the relationship can’t be fully salvaged, at least there would be no lingering hard feelings.

Often, by the time the door has been slammed it is “too little, too late” to make amends, as too much water has passed under the bridge. The INFJs want the other person to get the message that they have gotten to this stage, so they don’t try to walk back through the door thinking everything is okay.

What takes place following the door slam gives the INFJ all the information they need about the state of the relationship, friendship, or family dynamic. If silence follows, the INFJ will just keep on walking without glancing back.

The reason INFJs get to this place of strength is that they grieve and mourn the loss before they actually lose the connection with the person. This makes it far easier for them to accept that the relationship they thought they had was based on an illusion and what they thought they had didn’t actually exist.

INFJs are introverts, which means they internally process much of what goes on around them. Therefore, if they do not feel emotionally safe with someone, they may not openly express what they are thinking or feeling.

Instead, INFJs will figure things out in their own time, in their own way, and make decisions that may appear sudden and shock those around them. However, at an internal level, the decisions are far from sudden and are usually the results of days, weeks, or years of deliberation.

Before the door slam, INFJs usually give out numerous warnings, and let whoever is involved know that they do not find their behavior acceptable. Door slams usually happen when an INFJ has distanced themselves after being repeatedly and relentlessly hurt by someone, and most likely when they do not feel the other person is willing to make any effort to change.

Therefore, when an INFJ is done, they feel liberated and lighter, and they swiftly move forward. They may remove all reminders of the past and appear to others, or the person they slammed the door on, as though they are cold and calculated. However, they only reach this place if that person has continuously been cold hearted with them.

Introverts Won’t Make Demands, But They Read Situations Well and Expect Others to Be on the Same Page

INFJs are not the types to make demands upon people and tell them how they want to be treated, or how they should, or should not, behave, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. They hope that if someone cares deeply about them, their actions and words will reflect how they feel.

The trouble here is that because INFJs are highly intuitive and read situations well, they sometimes forget that not everyone has this ability. They may expect people around them to be mind readers and to analyze situations as intently as they do, and when they don’t, instead of offering clues, they might close off contact. Although INFJs are compassionate, it would serve them well to try to communicate as openly as possible and explain how and why they feel the way they do before opting out.

INFJs would do well to not allow the situation to get to the stage where they feel burned out, used, and abused. Although the door slam is done as a self-protection mechanism, INFJs can try to discern whether they are devoting too much time and energy to those who do not hold the relationship in the same high regard. Pulling back from relationships that are not mutually respectful prevents INFJs from feeling hurt and disappointed when people do not treat them fairly, or do not show them compassion or care.

Although the door slam sounds severe, INFJs are forgivers and may allow the person they’ve slammed the door on a place in their lives in the future, but that is only if they feel behaviors have changed and they aren’t going to fall back into the same unhealthy dynamics.

Sometimes the door slam only happens in the mind and heart of the INFJ, and they continue to remain in contact with the “door slam” person. However, a significant change in the relationship has occurred by this point, and the INFJ will no longer be investing the same time, attention, and energy into a relationship, and the contact will be limited to functional communication.

Either way, it is rare for an INFJ to entirely trust someone that they once slammed the door on again, therefore, the relationship will likely never be the same as what it once was.

Those who are in a dynamic with an INFJ can work out how serious the door slam is by observing whether the slam was done in haste and fury, or calmly and rationally. If it’s the latter, the likelihood is that the decision has been firmly made and there is little chance of getting back in.

INFJs are far more likely to slam a door quickly, and for good, when someone has hurt someone they love and care about. Sadly, they may allow themselves to be abused over and over, but they will not tolerate abuse of any kind when it is directed at anyone else.

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2020年 1 14 

This was what Dad wrote in his diary must be someone he has missed during his younger days.... only to regret years later? Or more of wanting to send his best wishes? Who was that person?

 

那一夜

 

那一夜。。。

你的告白仿佛定了格 深深烙印在我的脑海里 挥也挥不去

那一夜。。。

我拒绝了你 只因我被枷锁困着所以无法与你并肩同行

那一夜。。。

夜深人静 我总会想起 假如当初我同意和你在一起 生命会不会变得更有意义 

那一夜。。。

聆听你番唱的这首歌曲 回忆历历在目 我后悔莫及 所以我离去前约了你

那一夜。。。

再与你和他相遇 我满怀欣喜 因为我感应到你终于找到那位 能和你心灵沟通的伴侣

那一夜。。。

我们唱的歌曲。。。咱们儿就继续做彼此的知音 也感恩你赴约 因为这说明你还重视这段友谊

 

柚子

 

 

茉莉花
撷自中国民谣:茉莉花
作词:姚若龙
作曲:李正帆
编曲:王豫民

好一朵美丽的茉莉花
好一朵美丽的茉莉花
芬芳美丽满枝桠 
又香又白 人人夸

不让谁把心摘下 
就等那个人爱呀
茉莉花呀茉莉花 
谁当我情人 茉莉花

你说我真好 什么都好 
谁当我情人 作梦都会笑
我望着窗外的街角 
看到心酸走来 幸福走掉

你说我真好 比谁都好 
有适合的人要帮我介绍
如果我真的那么好 你为什么不要 
为什么不要

好一朵美丽的茉莉花
好一朵美丽的茉莉花
芬芳美丽满枝桠
又香又白人人夸
 
茉莉花呀茉莉花
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卢学叡
我是谁

作词:凯文
作曲:凯文

我是谁 你看不见

当你像从前搭我的肩
携手走过童年 一起烦恼少年

好奇问那幸运的她是谁


我是谁 你听不见

当你问候我好久不见
怕我们的世界 是非太难理解

不愿意让你为难妥协
每次难得聚会 莫名的胆怯 旧日的欢笑已遥远
每次聊到深夜 想说已告别 跨不过这条线又回到原点

我是谁 你看不见 当你温柔地哄我入睡
看我长大成年 盼我成家立业 有个她在身边和我相陪
我是谁 你听不见 当你电话那头道再见
怕我的小圈圈 打破想像完美 不忍心让你期待幻灭
每次牵挂想念 可近乡情怯 不知不觉已离你好远
每次话到嘴边 开口却无言 才发现你鬓发白雪已蔓延

这一次我诚实以对 别了善意谎言 带你往回遗落的那些年
这一次我勇敢无畏 就一秒钟时间

想和你一起分享难过喜悦
Who am I
I am who I am
其实你比谁都还了解
你说一切没变 爱是答案一切 我还是我 管他是谁
你说爱没差别 爱是答案一切 我还是我 管他是谁

 

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2020 1 15日 晴

I finally found time and ready to read dad diary in details after my Tianjin trip. There were many parts that was written ambiguously. I am still trying to piece the puzzles together and until now the adults failed to fill in the details because they claimed that dad didn't shared much as well. Since they are pretty pro in withholding the truth, I didn't pursue. Like what Leonard always said placing what I am doing now is placing my hot cheek on a cold butt, meaning I will never get the answer that I need as of now. Last night was the final episode of 攻星计. The themes about choices, cause and effect and forgiveness stood out. Imho, alot of negativities in life are self imposed, given a choice one should forgive and let go of the past. Talk is easy. Can I forgive the adults after what they did to me? How about Mr B, who cowardly choose to depart with his final WhatsApp message? I think i have a choice to forgive them yet I am not ready and not willing to do so. To unwind, I took a morning walk at my favourite park, bumped into this tanned and muscled man who cycled past me. He turned back and we exchanged glances but he continued cycling then I saw him again under the shelter. He seemed like waiting for someone or something to happen. As I bypassed the shelter, I can sensed that his sight was following my trail. Hmmm..... was he cruising on me? Nah, no mood for sex definitely. Anyway, looking at the CMPB website, I think I will be enlisted latest by April meaning there will be 2 more months to go. Perhaps I should go for a part time job and earn some extra cash. Will be busy job hunting hopefully this can distract me temporarily. 

 

 

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2020年 1月 16日 晴

 

FB postings were so sensual today. There were so many articles on sex and sexuality. Two articles stood out for me and one of them is on Masturbation. I didn't recalled the school educating us on such topic when I am younger. In Christianity, the act of masturbation is often frowned upon. I vaguely remembered my Ex-Pastor preached Masturbation is like "sowing seeds, squandered wildly onto the bare land". He even joked that if one is unable to have that self control better get married asap. And its a sin to waste "our seeds" in such a flippant manner. Well, my take is this do whatever you like so long it doesn't cross the line or cause harm to self and others. The more one is restrained, high chance he or she will spiral into undesirable and unfavourable circumstances. Besides, masturbation is a private affair for many, any reasons for another person to interfere and be a nosy pecker? The following article is definitely good to save keep. 

 

Masturbation’s Not-So-Dirty Secret? It’s Good for Our Health.

 

Medically reviewed by Janet Brito, PhD, LCSW, CST on December 2, 2019 —The pleasure part of self-play might be your go-to reason for getting it on solo, but masturbation has a lot more to offer than feel-good friction or toe-curling orgasms.
It turns out that mastering your own domain can be good for your physical and mental health, relationships, and overall happiness.

Masturbation benefits for physical health

Tuning your own instrument is a great way to relieve sexual tension without the risk of unplanned pregnancy or contracting an STI. No need for contraception or protection, when it’s just you and your sexy self.
It’s also a great stand-in for when you’re not ready to take a relationship or encounter to the coitus level.
Plus, many self-strokers say personal play is a serious stress reliever. Survey results from a 2019 “Self-Pleasure Report” published by a company that makes adult toys, asked respondents to rank 14 activities based on their stress-relief effectiveness.
While sex was ranked number one, masturbation came in at a close second, with sleep following at number three. Journaling came in last. Take that, Dear Diary!
Frequent orgasms in general have been shown to lower blood pressure. Masturbation can also give our relationships and sex life a boost. By going on solo treks we get in touch with our own pleasure points and needs, which can help us communicate our desires during partnered-up adventures. Hello, O!

Masturbation benefits for mental health

Getting frisky with yourself has some mental health payoffs, as well.
“Masturbation can be a self-soothing behavior that calms down our minds […] gets us in touch with our bodies, and gives us time to focus on ourselves instead of worrying about what others think,” says Megan Andelloux, a sexologist and sexuality educator.
Self-pleasure is never a reason to feel ashamed or guilty. Those are outdated and unrealistic notions. The truth is that most of us masturbate, according to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. But Andelloux says she often sees history repeating itself.
“As children, many people were shamed or chastised when caught masturbating,” she explains. “If they don’t get taught that sexuality and masturbation are common and can be healthy, then they can’t have those conversations with their own children down the line.”
Cultural discomfort with the topic of self-touch is further exacerbated by some stupid myths. Rest-assured, masturbation won’t stunt growth or cause hairy palms. We’d all be shaking some pretty fuzzy hands if it did. And don’t worry: you can’t really overdo doing yourself either.
In reality, so long as it doesn’t interfere with a person’s relationships or daily life (or cause serious chafing), masturbation is perfectly safe, says Andelloux. More than that, it’s good for us.

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2020年 1月 17日 

Went to a job agency located at Raffles Place in hope to find a job for the next 2 to 3 months. On the job application form there is a question asking if the applicant has mental illness or medical condition/history. I remembered I came across an online news article last year where one of the interviewers struggled with this question and in the end he felt so not confident that he choose not to declare. Likewise I did the same and asked the recruiter since there is referral incentive, can I refer someone who has mental illness or past history of mental health to apply. To my shock, the answer was almost the same--- the recruiter cited that not many employer could manage people with mental illness and he even encouraged better not to declare. Ok thankfully I didn't put a yes in my application form. Anyway, all these nonsensical and invisible tattoos or labels will be on me forever, I am wondering how can I conceal with a PES E status. Auntie Bee said that so long it is a private sector, there shouldn't be an issue. I still have a long way to go. Interestingly a stranger identified himself as Vincent came up to me and claimed that he was my pri school classmate, he even called me Jonathan. hmmm Vincent is definitely someone that I don't know but he do looked the same age as dad. He gave me a 2nd look and said I seriously resembled dad. Oh well, like father like son he said, we exchanged hp numbers anyway and who knows Vincent could be mentioned my dad pile of belongings that I inherited from. Weather is hot today, better go back home and rest. 

 

Updated: As I wrote this concern, somehow new implementation was done to address job discrimination. Prospective employees need not declare their mental disorder anymore unless employers had non discriminatory reasons to do so. And I wonder what reasons will employers state. 

https://www.tal.sg/tafep/employment-practices/recruitment/job-application-forms

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2020年 1月 17日 

It's Friday night and as I accessed dad's folder, found this piece of work by him. A poem that described a possible love beyond brotherhood. And I suspected dad is a gay too. 

 

*兄弟*
窗外阳光照亮 我寂寞心房
发微信给他 问他近来过得 好吗
星光天空闪亮 思考我俩的进展
怎么给我的感觉非兄弟一般

借微信的力量 想约他吃饭
他没回应 怎么我心开始慌

内心也纠成一团
转角遇见他 看他腼腆的微笑
那感觉非一般的奇妙

幸好碰到他 知道他别来无恙
担忧的心也終於放下
我们俩笑着说 怎么那么巧

没计划中的计划 就碰上

 

他在我心中的位置在哪儿

感觉良好会反复地想着他

可能他对我就像疼爱弟弟那般

我俩是没可能有进一步的发展

 

真的是这样吗

 

柚子 

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2020年 1月 20日 

Energy low and slept through the weekend but glad that i am back on track. Received updates from the job agency that they have flyers distributor tasks for me, since I have only less than 3 months before enlistment, might as well take up the assignment. It will start on this Wednesday. As I begun to read dad diary in greater details one incident caught my attention, dad who was 12yo then was actually molested repeatedly over several months by another secondary school teen. Dad actually thanked the teen "for being his coach for sex education". Must be Ah Gong, who didn't taught him much on how to clean his dick back then and it was that teenager who taught dad how to clean his cock cheese and introduced him the pleasure of masturbation. This may sounded odd but I believed dad had reconciled with that incident and choose to forgive that person by showing appreciation of what the person did to him?? For me its a natural response in wanting to clean myself when I saw some foreign particles on my body so it wasn't "a I don't know and need to find out more from another person" kind of thing. Dad was indeed magnanimous I am unsure how I would react if someone would to violate me in such manner. Hmmm... i guessed that's how dad reconciled and had a closure with that period of molestation. 

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2020年 1月 21日 雨

Guess dad old flame is music after all or was that someone else. Too many entries and questions in his diary in which I am trying to catch up. I think what I can do is to copy and paste what dad wrote and perhaps overtime I will have the true story?? I am still contemplating if its ethical. But if dad is reading this forum, he should know that it's my shout out for him to return home.

 

音符(你)

你最近还好吗 有在想我吗
是否曾爱过 怎么就不挑战回忆
还依恋着什么 不是我 是我 是我
音符拥抱我 从来不放手
距离 是那现实的 梦
定格着 你我的相遇

音符 你组合我心中的旋律
一直守护着我弥补空虚
彷佛 编出我的悲欢欣喜
让我更加坚定 面对那不完美自己

Because of you 我没放弃
Because of you 我迈步前进
对你 我从来都 不离不弃
认识你是我心灵中的烙印
永远抵达不了的音乐厅
我遗憾当初没与你同行

你是我的导航 无论悲或喜
最后还是会回到你心坎底
你带着使命 无论经历多少打击
你都能守护我 聆听我
不管 世人的闲言闲语
只要和你在一起
我什么都愿意

 

柚子

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2020年 1月 21日 小雨

Went Chinatown CNY night market with Ah Gong and Ah Ma. In the midst of the crowd I bumped into Mr B. He was with a guy, both in office wear and well groomed. They were very distinctive among the crowd who wore casuals. I saw this man fed Mr B with a piece of preserved fruit. So my dream last year somehow came true. I followed them from behind, lost sight of them and just at the other lane, Mr B and I made eye contact. The next thing I saw was he lowered his head whispered to his guy friend and walked hastily forward to the next lane towards the preserved meat stall. I followed his trail and then I saw him reunite with that guy in front of the stall. He gave him a light pat at his back and both walked hurriedly towards the shopping mall. That's it! My question was answered with a coincidental met up. I gathered my composure, went back to Ah Gong and Ah Ma. Ah ma asked me why my nose was pink and there was tears on my cheek. I lied and told her that my eyes were irritated by the smoke emitted from the fried chestnut stall down the street. Yes the truth is I weep. As I was typing this on the train now, no words can described how I feel. Though I didn't know Mr B for long but those moments we shared were pretty unforgettable. He could have just say hi but he had obviously avoided me. Ah Gong and Ah Ma sat opposite me, tired from the CNY shopping. Ah Ma leaned her head on Ah Gong head and I looked on. Perhaps I will never meet someone who I can spend the rest of my life with. I reminded myself that my focus should be tommorrow job and my upcoming enlistment. Suddenly, I feel so alone, can't bring myself to message to anyone. Have to alight now, type later. 

 

"我俩再相遇已在不同时空。繁华喧嚣交叉口,遇见你俩路过。让我意识到我俩已无法再十指紧扣。我坦然面对,面对那刺骨的情景。我忍住伤痛,是不愿让我的思绪翻箱倒柜。你已选择远走, 不再理我。我唯一能做的就是感恩你带给我的美好回忆。但愿你俩幸福快乐地生活"

 

ET 2350hrs

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2020年 1月 23日 晴

From now on I will take any flyers from any distributors. Yesterday task was so so tough, not many people wish to take my flyers and I have at least 560 copies out of the 500 I collected. Of course I can threw some into different bins but then it's unethical isn't it? Rejections after rejections and how can a person stomach that especially when that person used to once held so dearly in your heart? Have I had a closure with Mr B? I think its a clear 100% isn't it?  The universe has arranged divinely for me to meet Mr B and his possible partner on Tuesday night, I would be a fool if I still choose to be in denial or ignore it. How I wish I can dream of dad and who knows he may appear on CNY eve for reunion. Time for work. 

"我们在不同的时间点会碰到不同的人。有些人和你擦肩而过。有些和你默契十足。有些让你牵肠挂肚。有些会让你欲哭无泪。但无论如何,请珍惜每次的相遇,把真诚掏出,能受得起的自然会被它打动,受不起的就也会慢慢地淡出。。。" 

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2020年 1月 25日 晴

Too exhausted over the hours of standing and rejections. Anyway I have gotten another new assignment coming up. Had reunion dinner with Ah Gong, Ah Ma and Auntie Bee, a good time to catch up with Auntie Bee especially. She told me that dad sent her the money for this trimester with no other greeting and message. She also told me that Dad had been through the reperative therapy with Shaun for nearly four years in the early 2000s. Auntie Bee said that dad hadn't spoken much about how it progressed when he decided to end it. In fact I wanted to blast at Auntie Bee for what she did and arranged but I decided to keep mum about it. It must be a FB writing from the public post via one of my friend's friend. Yes I am a 19yo FB user.  🙄

The narration went on like this: 

 

""" Pre CNY tots 2020: With natural disasters and human catastrophes happening around the world for the past few months, I can't help but to reflect the importance of life and the relationships I had with those dearest to me. We are told that the art of forgiveness is challenging especially when it is  inflicted by our loved ones whom we once trusted. However, in my humble opinion that is a choice.

As an ex practicing social worker, I encountered families who were often in estranged and distant relationships. Most of my ex-clients were so emotionally distraught whenever they spoke of the unpleasantness experiences, they would either cry or facade their sadness with anger and disappointments. And often it's only when the other person passed on, they will realised and regretted what they did was unwise and least discerning.  

These narratives of my ex clients allow me to treasure more of the quality time I have with my immediate and extended families. As an old saying goes "Life is short". I would rather spend time thinking of the goodness of each one of them rather than to harbour negative emotions I have towards them. 

It's by affinity that we are families and friends, any reasons for me to cast the negativity towards them when I know that I am imperfect as a human as well? I have a choice, the choice to let go my pride and ego. It's tough to forgive but there is always time and space for mediation and reconciliation. And not forgetting as a senior, I am also setting an example for my niece to follow. 

I wish to live a life with no regrets. I am certainly still learning how I can do it with more wisdom and discernment. Chinese New Year is not just about celebration, it's also about a new beginning of how can I be more at peace with myself and be more positive so that I can bring joy to those around me. "

 

Why should I be angry over such issue? A brand new start of the lunar year. Its the year of the rat, the first of the 12 zodiac signs. It also meant a new refresh countdown for next 12yrs. What will happened 12 yrs later? I will be 31 in 2032. Dad will be 53. As what the coffeeshop Uncle Sam always said "Everyone of us is counting down to death as soon as we are born to this world. And death is the beginning of a new lease of life. So let go the burdens and not carry forward ti the next life. The fact that we may be burdened is because there are many unsettled businesses in our previous life, the more we are able to let go and reconcile with a closure, we will live a better in our next life. " There's somewhat true imho. 

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2020年 1月 30号 晴

I am typing this on the train after a 5 consecutive 12hrs night shifts. Overall I had an unpleasant experience working primarily because the duty supervisors were disrespectful towards the staff, there were at least two who commanded at people and using words that were least pleasing to the ears. One even said in a harsh tone "If you don't... later I will ...". The hourly pay was decent but I still prefer a cordial work environment rather than one that is always emotionally charged. Perhaps one may say I should endure the harshness and the cruelty of work life but I feel that no professionals has the right to project or displace their negative emotions on anyone. This goes to show the individual is unable to regulate their emotions and I would have higher expectations on the ones who are in charged they could have shown more empathy. I have also been following up with the Wuhan virus epidemic for the past few nights. Imho besides keeping cleanliness and hygiene. We have to build our immune system and regulate our emotions too. I once heard our Head, Heart and Hand are all interconnected. The wiser way of living is to achieve consistent and congruence within these 3Hs and now my 3H are damn tired. Zzzzzzzz

 

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2020年 2月 1号 晴

Time flies its the first day of Feb.Was supposed to attend an event organised by Out in Sg but was too tired to go. It's been a while I last heard from Leonard, Den and Chris seems all of them were busy so am I. Hope to catch up soon with them. Vincent, who I bump into 2 weeks ago asked me out for a chit chat. Never did I expect that he will wish to talk, I mean he should be catching up with dad instead of me right? Nonetheless, I agreed and who knows he may have more insights of who dad really was as a person. The epidemic is getting from bad to worse. I was at China back then and all news channel were reporting on Taiwan elections never did I come across any news on the Wuhan virus until when I returned. This CNY 2020 is indeed an eventful period for many China Chinese. Shaun and the rest of brothers emailed me, they stated how I am highly favoured and blessed by God, what an irony, isn't it a wrath, I am really questioning God's existence now. Is he really omnipresent? Or a group of men had decided to come together and write a book based on their hallucinations and delusions.  What an irony. If the 12 apostles were born in today's world would they be labelled as people with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia or anxiety disorder?  In fact nothing could be done to reverse the situation of the past (even as I am typing this few seconds already gone) but yet we just hope for the best as time will reveal the truth and the truth always bring pain and it hurts. 

 

Gentle Reminder: There are TWO things we can do during this period, NO mask needed unless the person is unwell.  

1. build up our immune system and

2. regulate our emotions

And we all know by now how negativism can potentially tear down a person holistically, affecting their well being. I can do it even without God but just by me, myself and I. 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 2月 3号 晴

Vincent, a tall and lanky ex classmate of my dad. We met for coffee at PLQ and he showed a series of class photos taken with dad. Dad was a stern teenager, he never smiled in those pics, Vincent said that dad is the "authority figure" in the class as a prefect, he was always mocked by his class mates as teacher's pet, beast (as he often raised his voice to quieten the rowdy class). Vincent admitted that he disliked my dad alot back then as he often gave him nick names in class. But now as a father to his two sons, Vincent knew the importance of the adverse effects of bullying and the victims who was often teased and bullied them. Throughout the entire 3 hours conversation, I knew dad more as a teenager, but what made me uncomfortable was Vincent kept saying that I had an uncanny resemblance to dad. Errrr.... meaning I looks like a 41yo? lol. I smiled everytime he said that. Well, what can I argue when he was so adamant about it. But I do admit that at 19 I do not look, think or feel like my peers. Oh well so what then, life still goes on. Back to more sleep before my night shift starts later. 

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2020年 2月 5号 晴

My night shift job finally ended this morning and I will be relocated to another location in which I was pretty reluctant to go. I spoke to the recruitment agency and hoped to be assigned somewhere near the East in which I stayed. I just received a letter from CMPB, my enlistment date will be on the 7 July 2020. It was quite an early notification because often they will inform the recruits two months prior the enlistment. So another five months to go. After the met up with Vincent, I searched for dad pictures but it seemed like he has not many of it, in fact Vincent has more. Ah Ma told me that dad birthday falls on mid July. 8 days after my enlistment. I wondered where he is now seriously , my grandparents looked concerned when I told them that i met up with Vincent. Ah Gong mumbled something but Ah Ma interrupted him almost immediately. Ah Ma told me to ask either one of them before I meet up with any stranger who claimed they are related to dad. Ok that's fair but I could seriously sense the unexplained awkwardness from the elderly. Too tired to think about now. Better sleep now, too tired and drowsy after my medication and night shift. 

 

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2020年 2月 6号 晴

finally well rested. I have till next week to spare before my next work assignment starts. Hope I will have more time to run through dad stuff. Read that there is a new sauna Hook at Chinatown. Never been to a sauna in Spore before though I been to a bathhouse during my last trip to China. The bathhouse I went is very interesting, mostly family oriented, their decors and facilities are all very massive and well conceptualized. One can literally be there like the entire day with meals all included. I must say that their cleanliness and hygiene were not compromised by the large crowd. Of course when I am there with Shuan and the brothers, it was like a male bonding session, everyone was in nude and they were pretty cool about it. Some eyes were roving some hugged and nudged one another. Was that how they overcome their "thirst" since most said the struggle is still there? Those married ones brought their families along but at the end of the day it's still homogeneous at the jacuzzi pools, steam room and massage area. My suspicion is that they can do what they need with no one checking on them. How would gay sauna in Singapore be like? I am very curious to know. As I read the forum, its KB and TM that had good reviews thus far. Perhaps its time for me to explore? 

 

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2020年 2月 7号 晴

When one is forgetful, people will mock that the other has a gold fish memory. This was an interesting write up by dad who wrote a person that has only 5 months of memory. And I wonder how would it be like if I have such short span of memory. 

 

"我只有五个月的记忆


我只有五个月的记忆。那是150 天 ,9000 分钟,540000 秒,32400000 毫秒。我得在每五个月就得重新认识自己和挚爱, 重新地体验 ,重新地跟新关系。把所见,所听的全都记录下,就像日记本似的,每五个月就得重读一遍。好累,真的好累,累得想放弃一切。我宁可丧失终生的记忆,也不想拿那本日月囤积的日记。我不敢说, 因为说了也没人能了解,反而会有更多问题,迎面而来。是的,我就是那只有五个月记忆的人类。我会尽量配合你们每五个月的"初自见面"。 致我生命的过客,我未必能认得出是你,所以抱歉了。"

 

Having a 5 months memory is like a nightmare. Watched topic on dementia over channel 8 and I realised that Ah Gong and Ah Ma are in their late 60s, no longer young and could have a higher risk of dementia (both my great grandfathers had that prior to their passing on). Perhaps it's better off to forget someone or some situations especially those who brought pain to us. I wonder how my grandparents felt about my dad disappearances, they never wished to talk about it. There wasn't much photos of them either. The T family was a bunch of camera shy individuals. I thought that I would be the odd one out, think I am wrong. The primary reason why I wrote this diary is to give my past and present a voice. I could jolly well talk about it but I don't have many people who knew of my mental illness. Dwelling in my illness continuously will not help me at all. I asked Ah Ma what if she has only 5 months memory. I showed them what dad had written. They nodded and there was again silence. They told me not to think too much. How not to think when they gave me "dad treasure"? Their silence was exceptionally weird. I sensed that they wanted to say something but held back. I WhatsApp Auntie Bee of the content, she didn't reply either. What's really going on here? Everyone was so busy with the recent outbreak. Dan and Chris were on standby and very busy. Leonard likewise, hasn't been talking to me since our last outing. When a person text reply is one or two words, you will know that they are not keen to converse. Well at least they cared to respond. I am alone in this again. Will be going to OUT bar monthly event tommorrow, there will be a Live performance- Valentine's themed 嫁不出之夜。 Perhaps I will get to meet that guy again tommorrow. The bespectacled man who is always the centre of attention to his drinking kakis. 

 

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2020年 2月 8号 晴

I am typing this because OUT bar is fully booked for the night. Strangely it's a quiet Saturday on the final day of CNY, the MRT was not as crowded. Looks like the recent epidemic had affected the people i.e. panic buying and queuing for face masks. And I thought the Health Promotion Board should do some serious advocacy on building stronger body immunity. From what I read thus far, the most critical protection is how our body immunity response to the virus. Life must go on as per normal isn't it? Well I found another new place just next to OUT bar but it seem like a straight ktv pub, they were people playing darts and alot of them were drinking in beer towers and hard liquor. I ordered a bucket of Heineken at their second floor and listening to the patrons singing Mandopop. Oh mine am I turning an alcoholic? A few songs may do me good perhaps. OUT bar show will start at 11.30pm hope to catch it before boarding the last train home. 

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2020年 2月 9号 晴

Yes. I managed to see him from afar not at OUT bar but while he was waiting for a cab. Our eyes met but I can only look at him from afar. A calculated distance maybe. He reminded me of Mr B, that bespectacled man, the common trait shared by both of them. He definitely reminded me of Mr. B.

 

距离
海岸线的距离 无边无际
我再无法陪你淋雨  无法接近你的涟漪
这样地深爱着你 是否是最好的距离
是否绝情或者无情 全都让你通通决定

我心已坚定 我没辜负了你

连计较的权利已不成立
保持无声的边境

我呐喊助威的心
你是否能感应

还是你看清我所谓的绝情
以我的方式继续爱你
一种距离 维系 一种关心
我愿意 保持这个距离


 一种距离 维系一种关系
无法弥补我对你的歉意
让时间去证明 我这个决定
等彼此都觉醒 残留下的回忆


我无法反复练习 无法陪你称兄道弟

欢声笑语 真的对不起

爱你就得 维持这段距离
保持这样的距离

 

一种距离 维系一种关心
这样地呵护着你 你是否能感应
我和你 还是维持距离
是否是最好的距离

是否绝情或者无情
全都让你决定

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 2月 9号 雨

I must be tipsy this morning. Even got the date of my previous entry incorrect. lol. I somehow made my way to KB after my last bottle of Heineken, signed up for the lifetime membership at $10 and I paid another $8 for the entry. It's like 2am plus back then, I changed and slept on the big bed at level 2. I was woke up by the staff at around 7.30am as they are preparing for the clean up, still drowsy, I requested to extend another few hours, paid an extra $5. The self entertainment night with beer didn't come cheap. Spent a total of almost $70 but I consoled myself is only once in awhile. If I saved $3.00 per day for 30 days, I can well afford this form of lifestyle. I woke up at 2pm and met this tall fairly muscled guy at the shower area. I peeped at him while we showered. He looked tipsy and the cold shower had somehow alerted him that I peeped. He immediately end his shower, wrapped himself with the towel and didn't very much dry himself. I took my towel and managed to dry his back, he froze, I told him that the cold air from the premise air condition is bad for him as he could be exposed to rheumatism. He thanked me and staggered unsteadily towards the dark room, I followed him as I fear he may slipped. We entered into one of the rooms and the rest was history. His name is Liang. Liang told me that he went for a lunch gathering and drank abit too much of alcohol. He decided to drop by KB to sober himself since it's near where the gathering venue was. We exchanged hp numbers and now we are WhatsApping each other. He seems to be a nice guy somehow jovial who loves to crack black humour jokes. The conversation with him has been pretty fun thus far. Oh I managed to catch a glimpse of the performances last night. It was very entertaining and fun to watch, will definitely returned for their monthly theme nights. 

 

Yes diary. I skipped my medications for last night and tonight. I knew that its not advisable but the urge of not wanting to take my medications resurface. Yes, I disliked being medicated, I hated being labelled as a person with bipolar disorder. The stigma and discrimination are definitely still there. How I wished I can discontinue and have a clean break with the medicines. In fact, I feel that there was a tiny voice telling me not to take it, last night the voice got louder. Ah Ma and Ah Gong were out when I returned home. There was a post-it-note reminding me to take my medications from Ah Ma. The next thing I knew I flushed my medications into the toilet bowl. That's it. Good night world. Good night Diary. Good night dad wherever you are. 

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2020年 2月 11号 晴

 

Dearest Benzol, Propranolol, Lorazepam, Sodium Valproate, Lithium Carbonate, Diazepam,

 

There is saying. A man need five best friends in his lifetime. A lifetime mix of of optimisation and pessimism. To help tide through storms and adversities,  to help keep a man functional and sane. But you guys are just medications. Medications that are manufactured. As the pharmaceutical world lauded your accomplishments, citing that all of you keep man sane and functional, it also bring me a tsunami of challenges. Honestly, without any apologies, all of your existence are a pain in the ass that come with complications. I gained weight, my hands trembled, I craved for carbohydrates and desserts, worst I often experience drowsiness and frequent dirreahea. Your early intervention are undeniable but will there be a time when I could simply do an elimination. To eliminate all of you out of my body system? Consultation with my Psychiatrist is definitely needed, I need to practice patience and harness more determination. Your existence taught me a lesson, a lesson to be more humbled and more magnanimous.

 

Till I part you guys off, I will still be medicated.

 

Yours faithfully, 

ET

 

@2250hrs 雨

My tasks at the new workplace that I am relocated to was pretty manageable. Lots of admin work though. On my way home now on the train. Liang and I were still WhatsApping periodically but my mind and heart somehow has stopped at Mr B, it didn't help when I saw that bespectacled man outside OUT bar on that Saturday night. Shit! What's happening here? Why is it so tough to erase him out of my mind? Gosh! This is terrifying. Here I am chatting up with Liang and next I was thinking of Mr B and that man? And why am I having trouble reading the fonts on the forms and even as I typed. This is very frustrating. 🤬🤬🤬

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2020年 2月 12号 晴

Had insomnia despite medications. I am thinking about the case that I read of a person who was assaulted by step father and son because of an unrequited love gone wrong. News reported that the deceased has been harassing the assailant and his family for a period of time. Mitigating factors seems to be the emotional and psychological distress experienced by the family that caused the tragedy. I am wondering how could a person be so overly ......  I can't find a word for that but I can feel for the deceased because love is always blind and once it involved emotions, alot of unknown situation would happened. I can choose to continue pursuing Mr B but I choose not to because I knew that affectionate love takes both hands to clap and its basically useless to chase after a person that didn't have the fondness for me anymore. I always tell myself I am blessed to have witness that scene at the CNY night market. That further reinforced the part whereby i seriously need to let Mr B go. But the other part of my emotions still lingered. And I believe I could sought guidance from Mr Lee or even Shaun who are professionally trained. Last night was tough, reading all those adverse reports about the virus and crimes just brought my emotions down to a level that I felt depressed. But thankfully I am still able to type in this entry that showed that i am feeling better. I know I have to experience this alone by myself. Thanks Ah Gong for your home cooked bowl pork porridge. It warms my heart knowing that there are people who still love me for who I am. 

 

@1430hrs I am so sleepy the Z monster just set in after. Thankfully I am pretty proficient in my Excel. Managed to complete my task within an hour. Everyone was so impressed and there was this another part-timer kept praising me and requested for me to help her but when I guided her with the keyboard shortcuts, she got pissed off and said might as well complete it for her. I asserted and told her that everyone was paid the same and any reason for me to do her portion. She flared out and said my agency paid me more but how would I know? Not my business anyway but she made it sound like it was my fault for delaying her work. Wow! Like that also can? Gosh thankfully I am lack of sleep and no energy to reason with her. I left the office and went to their staff room to type this. Ok. must seriously nap. Bye diary. 

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2019 12月 13日 晴

Shaun messaged me last night. He asked how am I managing. And I told him honestly how I felt. He told me that there is Internal Family System that I can go study and find out more. He gave me this website https://ifs-institute.com/ and requested for me to read it.  He told me that he has recommended IFS to dad when he first consulted him in the early 2000s. Perhaps this may help me in understanding myself and dad more? Maybe? I mean Shaun intend is good but its just that we are of different camps. He is against but I am for, dad seems to be sitting on the fences. Anyway will still listen to him and study more on this IFS thingy. I mean since the Universe has position him into my life at this juncture, there must be a purpose right?  Ok off to work. Text you later Diary. 

 

@2200hrs on my way home. The seniors asked me out for lunch and one of them highlighted the Yishun death case of the step father and young man who "tied and clobbered" another man who was a friend to the man to death. I am very sure these seniors are into crime and passion. Their eyes sparkled as they spoke of the case and one even said that the deceased must be crazy to stalk the younger accused. Then one unfamiliar word popped out from one of the seniors,  who studied psychology in University. He said the deceased could have a condition named Erotomania. I read it via Google and was shocked to realise how I am vulnerable and at risk. Though I didn't stalk Mr B, the numerous dates I had with Mr B still etched in my mind. I posted in the main forum but till now response had been poor. Tommorrow is Valentine's Day. Den WhatsApp us that his partner is leaving Singapore to Tokyo for a 3 yrs work stint and asked if this ldr could work. Chris usual tagline "Let nature takes its course". But I sensed that Chris will find it tough unless he's willing to close both eyes. Oh well, what's true love?

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2019 12月 14日 晴

Its Valentine's Day. A day where couples get together to celebrate the occasion by sending flowers and what not. The office ladies are so excited about it. A stalk of red rose can be seen on the ladies table and chocolate on the men early in the morning. And I found out that it was the Regional Managing Director KC who gave the items to his subordinates. I have never seen KC before since we are of different levels but I do know now that he is quite a charmer among the staff regardless of gender. I must say I do admire men who are successful in their career, I mean the fact that they could be at the top show that they have the calibre to do so. Of course there are nay sayers who will say that its by sheer luck or they are the ones who enjoy the fruits of the labour of their forefathers. Well at least they already have the platform isn't it? And one more thing, alot of colleagues were surprised that I am still single, they said that at my age I should have a partner or settled down. I told them I was only 19yo. Some had a rude shock but most just say I do not look my age... meaning I look old? Hahaha. I mean I do have an old soul but i do not see myself who look like an old man. Maybe my wardrobe needs an overhaul. Oh well.

 

Back to KC, it will be awesome if I get to see him one day. My team leader said that I am an Excel Whiz and could give me opportunity to train other staff in the office and KC may sit in for awhile in the session. I don't really mind, I always think that I need more platform for public speaking to train my guts. Besides Excel is my forte and I get to meet KC. Killing many birds in one stone, hence I gladly accepted the offer with shopping vouchers thrown in as a "remuneration". Though this is jusf a part time job but I am enjoying every moment of it. Ok back to work now after a short break. Let's see what my seniors going to talk about lunch later. 

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2019 12月 15日 晴

No one seemed to have the mood to work yesterday. Most were seen busy on their smartphones, some seniors joked about singlehood. The CNY festive mood over spilled to last night when all the bachelors gathered for a dine out and drink at one of the local pub with ktv facilities along Boat Quay. I gladly joined upon inviation them to sing, drink and merry over the fact that we are all singles in "desperate moment" like this. I gotten a nick name "Excel Prince". No longer they called me by my name, perhaps I really caught their attention by being good at something. The conversations revolved the office upper management last night. Don't be surprised that men do gossip too and sometimes they will even exceed the "society expectations". KC is the main hot topic of the day, all of the seniors concurred that he is someone mysterious, unfathomable and perhaps gay or bi. He is in his late 40s and still single, well established with alot of single ladies in the office going ga ga over him. From my impression after their conversations, KC loves to back pack, a loner, a humble wise and discerning leader who took public transport though he could well afford an Audi. Sensed that alot of guys were envious of him. The night zoomed past as I was in between WhatsApp with Liang, he seemed pretry lonely last night as our conversation was pretty intense. He said that he rather spend time with his parents on Valentine's Day, every moment counts as his parents aged, he said. Quite true but for a person at the age of 19, I may not fully comprehend what he texted but somehow I do know that time is precious in his worldview. I shared with him what happened in Tianjin and he quoted this phrase when I spoke of homosexuality and mental illness in which I thought it's very meaningful. 

 

"Men of the world who value the Way all turn to books. But books are nothing more than words. Words have value; what is of value in words is meaning. Meaning has something it is pursuing, but the thing that it is pursuing cannot be put into words and handed down. The world values words and hands down books but, though the world values them, I do not think them worth valuing. What the world takes to be values is not real value." --- Chuang Tzu, The Complete Works of Chuang Tzu. 

 

Liang added that we are living in the world that was governed by a group of elites. And power, control and money are the basic fundamentals for these people. And that's when all the legislations and unwanted labels were established to suit their needs (It coincided with the Human Ecosystem that Dr Yap and Mr Lee had lauded). Liang is indeed a wise man, someone who I hope to have more conversation with. The night ended with this group of singles singing and drinking merrily.  And yes, I skipped my medications again last night. Yet I sensed that peace in me and I know this is true peace that i long sought after. 

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2019 12月 16日 晴

Spent some time browsing through dad's stuff and found the following poem. I believe was someone dad had admired. I can now somehow piece the puzzle that dad has been struggling with same sex attraction issues. I am glad that i need not experience such struggle in my era. Liang told me that he is leaving soon for a trip to Europe and wouldn't return till March. This trip will be a revisit after 30 yrs but this time alone. Wow that is almost a month of travelling. Liang promised to keep in touch via WhatsApp but declined when I asked him out prior to his departure. Well, adults, they come and go. No expectations no disappointment.

 

Anyway, here was what dad wrote about his somewhat unrequited love. Dad is really 长情,as his son, I don't think I have that courage and bravery to stomach this form of love.  

 

东西


我在东 你在西
望着同样的蓝天白云
蓝天永恒不变
变的是那擅变的云彩

我俩Nth年相遇
联系总是断断续续
你的淡定让我觉得安逸
你的喜怒哀乐 酸甜苦辣
让我毫无距离地同理体恤

你的过往旅程我未必能参与
但你的未来 可否让我亲近
你的婉拒让我一时无法敦行
瓦解我的单恋是那么的容易

古人说 夕阳无限好 只是近黄昏
日落而息 可惜不是你
这也缓慢我俩那微妙的关系

我在东 你在西
望着同样的天空
享受那单纯的兄弟关系

不过如果有一天 就有那么一天
你回心转意 我还是会选择跟随你
并肩前行 瞭望那天空白云

因为巨蟹不轻易爱上一个人
爱上的话就会死心塌地
一直守护着你 至到你找到终生伴侣
巨蟹就会选择渐渐地离你而去

 

@1810hrs-- Woke up from my nap, continued my reading and exploring. This was what I have gathered thus far of dad, born in 1978, a cancerian, someone who is supposed to do arts but landed himself in science stream, gotten a D7 for O levels English but managed to savage it by scoring a better result two years later but it was too late for him to switch to Mass Communication as he was two yrs into EEE. He signed on to the police force thereafter, married, met a fatal accident that caused the death of mum and I was born. Dad had an ex-classmate named Vincent who often bullied him in school, a possible someone who has a 5 months memory and a unrequited lover.

 

Wait a minute, why was there so little of mum and my information? It seemed like there was a wide gap and dad has somehow indulged to poetry and song writing thereafter. There was so little that he wrote about me, his son. Hmmmm..... these pieces of puzzles are getting more and more interesting. 

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2019 12月 17日 晴

Weather was splendid. Arrived at office early and managed to clear some stuff. The seniors were obviously having the post Vday syndrome. Every movements and conversations were so light and chirpy. I reckoned that most of them must have a wonderful time with their partner. I am typing this now, waiting for new tasks to be assigned to me. I have alot questions to ask Ah Gong and Ah Ma but they were out dating last night with their coffeeshop kakis. Auntie Bee has been less interactive ever since our last unpleasant conversation. Cousin will be taking her PSLE this year and I believed she will be busy with wanting to her to excel. This will be the last year the education ministry is having PSLE and my cousin has the honour to the the final batch. I couldn't remember how I bypassed my PSLE, all I knew was I am where I am now enjoying every moment at the office with a bunch of fun loving colleagues. Ok back to work now. 

 

@1330hrs Its like warzone at the hawker centre we went to earlier. But it also goes to show that despite the epidemic everyone is leading as per normal. Saw a majority of the people were not wearing surgical masks as well. Witnessed the SCDF ambulance officers attended to one lady who fainted at one of the eateries, she was ferried within less than 10mins. I was pretty impressed by how swift the frontline officers took her necessary vital pulse and what not. Imho we are very blessed to be in Singapore whereby there's literally no natural disasters and everything seems so prime, procedural and proper. Though I am ineligible to vote for the upcoming GE but as a concerned young adult with mental health challenges I always feel that the heartware of our nation is still pretty weak though social and psychological defence were introduced years back. I wonder if I am right to say this but I feel that most human undesirable doings were primarily executed by people who are psychologically deprived and socially vulnerable. The greed, power, authority and money are all highly desirable by different statra of the society. One of the seniors kept talking about his e-commerce business he began three years ago and how it has earned him passive and disposable incomes over the years. He started to ask me and my the other peer to join his league while we were young. The way he put it its like the cell group systems in the church I attended previously. I googled and they called it Multi Level Marketing (MLM). It is to harness a community of people to be placed at different hierarchy level to bring in value to the top. That brings me to religion institutions who got into trouble with their finances over the years as dad has given his POV on this matter.  He left church thereafter and he felt that church is beyond the four walls and its all about connections with people and bringing to God. Could dad be gone for a mission trip to somewhere? Perhaps he did as he sounded like a staunch Christian to me. Me? I will rather be a free thinker and not meddle with religion though I have an obligation I feel to follow the Taosim rites Ah Gong has been practising. Both of them are no longer young anymore, someone has to take over them isn't it? As their grandson, I feel obliged to continue their filial piety in giving gratitude to our ancestors. Ok back to work now. See you tommorrow Diary. 

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2019 12月 19日 晴

Was so busy these two days. Everyone was in a fire fighting mode. Finally, I can feel the entire office moving after Vday. Anyway, I woke up this morning from a dream, it's like wearing a virtual reality device navigating. I was at this building, three storeys high. I climbed up to the third and there was this long corridor that leads me to a locker room, I opened one of the lockers, took out a police uniform and started dressing it. A few people greeted one another, they looked unfamiliar. No one greeted me though, its as if I wasn't there. After I wore my uniform I walked past a few uniforms that were hung outside the locker door Leonard, Den, Chris and even Vincent were the names I sighted. I then walked down to the 2nd storey where I was administered an ammunition. Its a .38 smith and wesson as labelled. I loaded the bullets into the compartment and the next thing I knew I woke up. Strange enough, am I dreaming of what dad had experienced in the past? Oh my God! This is spooky. I better arrange a Zoom meet up with Mr Lee soon. Too tired. Yawn. Good night Diary. 

 

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2019 12月 20日 晴

Finally, on board the train. The usual work crowd, thankfully I was seated. My energy was abit low today, I reckon that it was the dream I had last night. I couldn't put a finger to what was dreamt. I googled and found no concrete account to why I dreamt of someone else circumstances. I didn't get to share this with Ah Gong and Ah Ma, maybe I will do it tonight over the dining table. Today lunch was settled in the office as most seniors were busy we called grab food and managed to have this KFC chicken skin that one of the seniors love it so much that ordered 5 boxes. I took a bite, yes it tasted exactly like the original chicken with abit of fat. They started to discuss on the fast food restaurants, majority of them think that Macdonald is still the best among all, most of them agreed that it brought them back to childhood where their loved ones would buy them Happy Meals and the toys, not forgetting the late night sessions they had with friends during school days. Strange enough I do not have any recollections of those fond memories that they spoke of. All I know was I enjoyed the fries from Macdonald, the original chicken from KFC and onion rings from Burger King. I wasn't a great fan of fast food because Ah Gong will often cook for us and I am very lucky to have home cooked food for most of my meals. I also realised that most of my seniors' mum helmed the kitchen in their family. Mine was unique they said because Ah Gong cooked. I do cook once in awhile, mostly a replicate of what Ah Gong and Ah Ma enjoyed. I am glad that I took over Ah Gong culinary skills and they seldom had complain my cooking, it had certainly encourages me to try out more dishes. Food binds people together and I hope that I am able to cook for my loved ones and friends in the future. Oh managed to book a Zoom session with Mr Lee to see him next Monday evening, hopefully he can shed some light to what I dreamt. Time to nap. 

Edited by amuse.ed
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