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amuse.ed

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2020年 9月 16号 星期三 晴

Dear Diary, last night was an emotional roller coaster ride. I was swarmed by many thoughts and emotions.... tried to give myself an explanation and recalled my Astrologer told its the energies were the culprit, I took a deep breathe and thankfully a series of WhatsApp from him came in and he gave me that boost of confidence that someone out there still cares. What a timely divine intervention. I am blessed. Hopefully there will be such support in times of need but I know the battle is within my own intraphysic. Know thy enemies and half battle is won. Yes I have since know the triggers, I know its the energies playing out so now its for me to formulate a series of self support strategies. Diary I know you will be there for me, emotions are something that is often unspoken in Asia culture. A taboo that is swept under the carpet. I am glad that I can expressed myself freely on this platform and my wish for others to find their own way of support as well. As I read the news of young lives passed on prematurely, my heart sank, the more I adhered that life is precious and please for those who are on the fringed right now. Pause and think, life is a bed of roses that comes with thorns, we make best out of it and try to make it sustainable especially in times like this. Diary, I may have over reacted but that's how I feel right now and thank you for being empathetic. I edited last night entry to make it more relevant and yes I am definitely at PEACE now. There will be much more challenges up ahead, grant me the wisdom, discernment and peace to overcome it. Thank you Diary. 

 

PS: K shared this video this morning and I am reflecting on this. There are English subtitles to it if one view it over the laptop. Its about pursuance and how it affects our self branding.

 

 

 

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2020年 9月 17号 星期四 晴

Dear Diary, glad that the weather seems to be warmer today. I am on leave and had the time to do some tidying up. Happy that I am well rested last night despite the emotional roller coaster rides for the past two days. I stumbled on a video that talks about why young male teenager nowadays choose to or had contemplate suicide which i believed was extended from this article https://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/singapore/suicides-number-2018-teenagers-boys-highest-11761480

 

The expert's explanation was geared towards parenting and how parents should engage with their child more. I am thinking if a child is on amicable terms with their parents I doubted they will choose to end their life so prematurely. The fault imho was geared towards parenting but I hoped that more are being expounded through this interview in which I feel is inadequate. How about the child ecological system that they are in? The next of kin may not be their parents but could be their grandparents, extended relatives or even others. Having to work in the correctional rehabilitation sector before, I knew that loved ones and significant others are no longer biological related. They can be someone who had rendered holistic support to an individual for years since growing up. How about lifestyles and the systems i.e. mainstream media, social media, the passing of chronological time and trend that the child is exposed too? Are we trapped in our old ideologies that as male we must man up and solve our own issues? Perhaps.

 

I believed much awareness has been raised for the past two decades on suicide prevention. And I hope they are not neglecting another vulnerable group, elderly. Elderly suicide and their mental health are also prevalent and can be an issue as we move towards an aging society. A neglected health and lifestyle can be an indicator of "slow suicide". It doesn't help when the entire ecosystem is undergoing a vigorous shake up as well. Perhaps we should be less dependable on statistics and move towards sensing the ground or community more, mobilising our current resources to curb the issues. 

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/helping-kids-cope/202005/the-silent-pandemic-depression-self-harm-and-suicide

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2020年 9月 18号 星期五 

Dear Diary, found the following video insightful. It talks about democratic country vs death row phenomenon. Honestly speaking, when the day I was diagnosed with mental illness, its akin sentenced to "a prison system then a death row".  Just that I serve my terms in the society and community itself, bombarded with stigmatisation and discrimination in all aspects cutting across the human ecological system. I wonder when will I be sent to the "death row" and how my life will end...... Not many experts out there will empathize on why and how one will manifest that kind of behaviour which lead to a psychiatric diagnosis that is so merciless.

 

A lack of understanding or knowledge? or people simply can't be bothered? Or.......

 

 

 

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2020年 9月 20号 星期日 

Dear Diary, I used to read but prefer non fictional crime and passion over fantasy or fictional. There were not many books out there that was of that category. The first local crime book narrative I read was about the Toa Payoh children serial killer Adrian Lim and his two wives. Everyone was focusing on the gruesome murder but no one seems to take an interest of the person's past, what made him so different from others, landing himself to murder the other person or even worse, manipulate and instigate others to commit the heindous crime? Are they to be blame for what they had done? What are the 5Ps factors that cause the person to be who they are? No one is supposed to take away the life of another unless the other gave permission i.e. Euthanasia. Should the murderers (or even drug traffickers) be given another chance to claim innocent? There are several argument points to this topic. Of course people will say that he or she deserve to die if he took the other life criminally. The macrosystem system i.e. legalisation stated that capital punishment serves as a deterrence to those heinous acts. Honestly, a more comprehensive approach should be taken into consideration i.e. biopsychosocial and not let the legislation be an obstacle to promote humanity. What is the past narrative for Adrian Lim? Did you know Diary? 

 

 

 

 

 

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2020年 9月 21号 星期一 

Dear Diary, with the recent pandemic, there are alot of articles that talks about emotions, mostly from the west and I am happy to see that Singapore is catching up and acknowledge the emotion aspects of men, especially. As Asian males, we are often told not to readily show our emotions because we are supposed to man up and shedding a tear will mean one is weak. My birth chart stated that I am an emotional person and I took over the energies from my mother who is an emotional person as well. Since young I have showed quite alot of anger due to the capacity I am in as a class monitor and prefect, It made me a very unhappy person. Though I may have the authority to command but I am often bullied and put down by my class mates. I don't have many friends back then and was often alone till when I am in my 15yo when I met a group of like minded boys who shared similar displeasure towards a teacher who we do not respect. That was the first time I sensed the power of emotions, it brought me closer to my ex classmates and we have a fun time back then going against this teacher. To cut the long story short, this teacher was someone who would demeaned her students at all cost. As I grew up, emotions took on a different light, I am often put into fear primarily because my mother was an emotional person as well. She would instilled discipline in me and sister by lots of caning and she often quarreled with my dad, ranaway from home for a good one or two weeks after each "fight" with him. I always joked that my mother already know the concept of fight and flight back then. 😅

 

My dad is someone who do not show his emotions but all I know was my sis and I had never went hungry because my dad will always whipped up some food whenever he is stressed or unhappy, while waiting for my mother to return home. So as you can see Dairy, I grew up in a family who is often "charged by implicit and explicit emotions". In retrospect, I am a combo of my parents somehow, as much as I am readily to show my emotions I did it in private, the few times i cried publicly was during my days as a Christian. I must admit that most of the gospel back then were very touching e.g. As the deer, Still, Here and Now were some of my favourites. Those good old days where my cries were drowned by the musicians and the worship team. There was only once when I wailed publicly along the street of CBD late at night and I was accompanied by DT, someone whom I knew for almost two decades. Last night I saw one of my ex cell group members from one of the churches I attended previously. We greeted each other and that was it, nothing was expounded. The feelings were mixed akin to a dream and yes Dairy I have not had vivid dreams for quite awhile now. But hopefully my dreams are pleasant ones.

 

PS: There are four basic emotions. Glad, mad, sad and scared. Which one do you often feel from the millions of people who wrote, Diary?

 

 

 

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2020年 9月 14号 星期一 雨 @2045hrs

 

QR 码
QR 码表达理念的方式
是从密密麻麻的四方块开始
多条纹的微码已过时
人类你是否可想而知

QR 码编排的方式是人类创意的开始
它是窥探生老病死的那把钥匙
也见证了某些交易的那盘果实
你是否被QR码的存在感到迷茫
还是会在某种程度上感到恐慌

QR码的眼中 即便是人类给予它力量

它也视人类为墮落天使
囤积的资料令人匪夷所思

也钉死着社会那残酷的现实

喜怒哀乐 生死轮回 种种交易 无人能比
都在一刹那的扫描后显示
人类智慧构造QR码时
有没想过它会超越科技自由的束缚?

 

柚子

21.09.2020

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2020年 9月 22号 星期二 晴

Dear Diary, left home for work feeling angry. Dad woke up early today to prepare breakfast. It was fried mee hoon again something that he cooked on Sunday. I asked him if he remembered cooking it two days ago, he said mum wished to eat it, ok but that's not it, I smelt something is burning and asked but he said it could be from the neighbour. I did a check and he left the stove small fire on and the mee hoon was charcoal burnt right under his nose. In fact this is not the first time it happened, though its not frequent but the intensity warranted my attention. Diary, what if the entire unit is on fire? Its a matter of life and death. I WhatsApp my sister and she said I am not alone in the caregiving of my parents. Good assurance but she stays at the other part of the island. 😅 This reminded me that my paternal grandfather was person with dementia prior to his passing on. My paternal grandfather doted us and would often bring Chinese Baos for me and my sister. He stayed with us for awhile prior to his demise, mother was pretty stressed over playing the caregiver role, thankfully my dad and I supported her as well. That's brings me to... what will happened to me when I aged? I am 42 yo though there is still some time before I hit the golden age, I think there is no harm planning it isn't it? Its good that I can be less dependent on my loved ones. I will have to be robust and independent for every aspect in life. Right Diary?

 

PS: I will have continued to be extra alert, grant me the strength to look after both of my parents, Diary. 

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2020 9月 23号 星期三 晴

Dear Diary, chatted with a new colleague, EN last night. He is married with 3 young growing children. When he learnt that I am still single, he said "That's nice". From our conversation, I could sensed that there's this desire to return to single hood again. He was from a sunset industry, he left and is glad that he managed to secure a job during this pandemic. We spoke about our perspectives on lifestyles, faith and religion. We shared similar perspective on religions and outlook in life. He then asked what's my interest, I was stunned for a moment and replied my usual hobbies and sports that I enjoys. He visits gym and runs regularly, an avid soccer follower. We are the totally opposite but yet shared similar worldview. For that moment, time came to a standstill and it passed swiftly. That is what I like, a quality and robust conversation. He is a few years my senior and one thing that distinguishes us is he has his family commitments, even so, he didn't enjoyed it. I can imagine his children are often faced with an absence father because he didn't enjoy the activities his wife and children enjoy. Yes Diary, I find him physically and intellectually attractive. Too bad he is married. Someone that is 遥不可及, unreachable to certain extend. We finally ended our conversation by me asking him the final question "Are all men born good or evil?" He hesitated and replied "Sorry I have no answer for you as of now" and we laughed it off. Obviously he was stunned by this question as much as he asked me what's my interest initially. I doubted he will read this but all I could say is our conversation is as good as having an "intellectual intercourse" in which I enjoyed more than sex. 

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2020 9月 24号 星期四 晴

 

Dear Diary, its pretty mystifying how Law of Attraction (LOA) works in my life. There are things in which I desired for and it somehow came true ultimately. One example was the challenges I faced while completing my job application form when I was asked to tick if I have past or current mental illnesses issues and it took almost two decades for this question to be removed from most job applications. Of course again I wonder how government sector will take this implementation in regards but I feel that somehow people with mental illnesses will still face much challenges since the information is readily shared among ministers (or perhaps I am incorrect) but anyway if a person was rejected after the medical review, its more or less known that its because of the mental illnesses one had. Another LOA that I experienced was the desire to have men of wisdom who can guide me in my career and personal life. One of which was the Astrologer, Hawk Liu I knew recently, went for my prediction yesterday and was double convinced most of my 5W and 1 H on my relational and professional challenges and prospects. Western Astrology has given me the assurances that I am who I am, born at this date. time of the day with a very unique birth chart that no one has. The predictions is by the minute so according to Hawk its very accurate. Diary I am sharing this because I tasted the goodness of Western Astrology and now I am much clearer which path I should take or avoid in order to advance with my career and other holistic factors in life. Last year events came true, events taking place now is evolving and the future no one knows but my energies would flow alongside with it I believed. Its an enriching session yesterday, perhaps a long awaited antidote for me. I am in better positioning now and definitely looking forward for more exciting days to come. Came across this passage by the infamous Taiwanese compere and singer Tao Jing Yi which I think its very true. 

 

人再好:
不是每个人都会喜欢你,
有人羡慕你,也有人讨厌你,
有人嫉妒你,也有人看不起你。
生活就是这样,
你所做的一切不能让每个人都满意,
不要为了讨好别人而丢失自己的本性,
因为每个人都有原则和自尊!

别人嘴里的你,不是真实的你,
一样的眼睛,不一样的看法。
一样的嘴巴,不一样的说法。
一样的心,不一样的想法。
一样的钱,不一样的花法。
一样的人们,不一样的活法!
人生的路,要活出自我,活出自信。
#陶晶瑩 #陶晶瑩語錄

 

(Loosely Translated)
Not everyone will like you.
Some people envy you, some people hate you,
Some people are jealous of you, and some people look down on you.
That's life.
What you've done doesn't satisfy everyone,
Don't lose your nature in order to please others,
Because everyone has principles and self-esteem!

You in someone else's mouth, not the real you,
the same eyes, not the same view.
Same mouth, different statement.
Same heart, different ideas.
Same money, different spending methods.
Same people, different way of living!
The way of life, to live out of self, live out of self-confidence.
#陶晶瑩 #陶晶瑩語錄

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2020 9月 25号 星期五 晴

 

Dear Diary, have you ever encounter anyone in your life who are energy vampires? Abstracts via the website https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-avoid-being-drained-by-energy-vampires/

depicted that: 

 

"Energy vampires are emotionally immature individuals who have the sense that the whole world revolves around them. They are almost incapable of seeing things from another person’s perspective. They often lack empathy. They believe that they must take everything they can get from others and that giving anything will deprive them of essential resources. It’s as if the whole world exists just to serve them and you are the latest object upon which they have set their sights for exploitation."

 

In the past, while schooling, there were individuals or groups who would just drain my energy away. Perhaps I am overly sensitive to all these, so called vibes. I was verbally bullied in school, schooling during my growing up was only to fulfill an obligation, never an enjoyment. Of course there were only a few (mostly girls) whom I can clicked with. As I grew up and entered into the workforce, similar vibes were felt and I was literally ignored, felt rejected, I would try to mingle and be "part of the gang". Its too late by then, I fell into the traps of undesirable habits just to be "with the group"...... I regretted because I am unwise to leave the group. That explains the reason why I am much a loner now alot of energy vampires love to "prey on their victims" who have more emotional capacity i.e. empathic and magnanimous. In my line of work, I will encountered energy vampires as well. Worst these vampires come subtly, and often its not only my ex-clients but fellow ex-colleagues as well. Aren't you surprised Diary? Perhaps because there is a blurred distinction between having to self-care and being selfish? I am a human after all, sometimes, I may fall into that self centeredness as well. Importantly is how to pull this part of myself out of that mode and let the empathetic part take over. Diary, I am still learning how I can be better and empathetic person, please guide me and send me more guru (some already in my life now) who I can emulate after..... and "secret enemies" to hone my "competencies and skills". Thanks Diary. 

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2020 9月 26号 星期六 雨

Dear Diary, its been awhile since I had a long WhatsApp chat with K and H. Thanks to technology we are able to connect with one another though we stay at different parts of the island. Chatting with them is always 97% fun and lighthearted and 3% serious. I am very blessed to have both of them in my life, though we may not meet up in person often we ensure daily messaging. The three of us are of different personalities yet we are together because of we are like minded in certain ideologies and beliefs, chatting up with them recharged me.

 

Diary, healthier human relations and its connections are very important. Why do I state healthier? Because i love to establish healthy relationships with people but often its transient. What stay on is really the healthier relationships. It rained heavily just now and both of their presence warmed my heart. Part of my "graduation from mental illnesses" is their non judgemental and empathetic stance towards me and I am very grateful for that. I am always told by my parents to have a heart of gratitude, and I tried to think of three things that i am thankful for. So K and H, this is for you both. Thank you for journeying with me all these years. We have been through storms and sunshine together. May our friendship continue to withstand the test of times and blossoms as time goes by. Cheers! 😊

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2020 9月 28号 星期一 阴

 

Dear Diary, the weather is pretty changeable today, it was hot in the afternoon and now it feels like it is going to rain. Feeling a bit tired today due to insufficient sleep, I caught a glimpse of how the local "Beyond the Label" movement had their soft launch over the weekend. Heard a few constructive comments given by the panelist. Now everyone is talking about youth mental health. Imho, there are only this much we can say and do, bearing in mind that every person with mental illnesses came from different background and hence their challenges are vastly different as well. Support and interventions aren't like cookie cutters i.e. psychotic medications, some reacted positively to certain drug types. Other psychotherapies interventions are "pretty prescriptive" e.g. completed the x no. of sessions to progress to the next etc.

 

With so many mental health and wellness related agencies sprouting over the past 3 to 5 years, I wonder if they have matched up, if it did, has it translate to rendering quality services for the intended audiences? Diary, hopefully there were no duplications of services and/or the niche groups. These services are imho better late than never, though I may not be the direct beneficiary as of now, I joined the sector instead yet met with challenges on the other spectrum e.g. unemployability in the sector. Life is full of ironies isn't it Diary? Perhaps non pharmacological advocacy for the psychiatric world is discouraged in Singapore or is it just that not many people out there are willing to come forward and shared their testimony? I struggled on this as well because knowing that this part of my life can be very draining to revisit i.e. recollecting the past and narrating it, I preferred just to ignore it momentarily and see how things go next, definitely the now and the future are more enticing to be at, than the past.

 

https://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/singapore/mental-health-workplace-staff-support-counselling-12970064

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@2130hrs

 

They vs. We

 

Are they ready to listen?
Are they willing to listen?
As much as my sharing are unconventional
It still warrants much attention

Have I not been a conformist
On matters that are deemed constructive
All I know that I "could have been silenced"
Drowned in the "whirlpool of wilderness"

This is not about me being religious
But the facets of life that is so rigorous
This lifetime is no longer mandate
As we face tonnes of challenges

Riding through the unchartered waters
I seek for peace and a sense of quietness
I seek three acts of goodness
To do good deeds, speak good words, and think good thoughts

Perhaps then we will be more at peace....
ready and willing to listen

 

ET 

28.09.2020

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2020 9月 29号 星期二 阴

Dear Diary, I learnt that one of the pitfalls to effective communication is "Comparing". I have been compared within my ecosystem i.e. my cousins, classmates and colleagues eversince when I am able to apply my functional thinking. Why do we like to be compared? Is it because our macrosystem has been encouraging such stance? Diary, so long as there's inequality there will be comparisons. The sender of the message can say what they want, it takes the receiver to decipher and to discern if it's for his or her own good. The only time when I will listen to such comparisons is when I knew this person whom I can trust and respect, and its for the growth of my wisdom. In addition, in what context and the intend of the sender(s). They are people out there who are just saying things out of some negative connotations and overtime I have learn not to embrace such non-constructive comparisons. Like it a not comparisons are here to stay because the ecosystem perpetuated it so it takes me as the recipient to screen and filter what's wiser. Diary you can say that its selective listening or reading but I have to think of my holistic well being too. I am not going to let such comparisons to bring me down or create any self doubt. I think the greatest enemy in this discourse is me because I will tend to make comparisons unconsciously. Haha. Another irony Dairy. So why comparisons are such a big no no in communication? I did like to offer my own perspective on this matter. 

 

During my previous courtship with several potentials, I vividly remembered some will say things like "my ex was or used to blah blah" and the worse was they hinted me in e.g. My past relationships were.... often I will just roll my eyes and in my heart I would say "if your ex so good.... return to your ex lah" 😅....  true enough the relationships ended, some amicably, some ghosted. I think as humans we are very prone to make comparisons, without this I could have been complacent all my life or even end my life prematurely. I recalled one of the triggers to my suicide thoughts were breeded through comparisons e.g. why my life is not as smooth sailing as others? any reasons for me to be born without a silver spoon? What were the things I lacked of in order not for me to find my one and only love?

 

In the end I tell myself, there is NOTHING to compare, that's on the pretext that I lived MY OWN LIFE and not for anyone else. If I have compared, I would have long gotten married and have offspring of my own. If I have compared, I could have long gone to the heaven. If I have compared, I would have long chosen the life I wish to lead. Instead of comparison I did like to start off with compassion. If I initiate any decision and thoughts base or focus on compassion, I feel that alot of things can be resolved (迎刃而解)。I know its tough for me not to compare but I did like to try be grounded on things that will exude goodness. No one of a functional or thinking mind should interfere how another lead their life. Let's show compassion to ourselves and others too, perhaps then we will compare less and focus on the strength, least the shortcoming of an individual or group. 

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@2040hrs

 

处女座

固定星座 你是之一
难以捉摸你的心
铁是你的座右铭
追求完美 吹毛求疵
是处女座的特性
他能打乱我的思绪
让我看不透你的心
无法理解处女座的心境
只因为人们说你缺乏自信
总觉得处女座的心思难测
把很多事都藏在心里
处女座每天忙里忙外
似乎把那隐藏心事 做个大扫除
多数的处女座都很谦虚
成天把自己放入压力锅
无法自拔地承受那莫名的压力
可喜的是处女座常常乐于助人
热心公益 做事一丝不苟
绝对是贤妻良母良父行

-- 柚子
29.09.2020

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2020 9月 30号 星期三 阴

 

Dear Diary, have your encounter "a slip of the mind" situation? I have and it has been increasingly frequent lately. It does not help if such narrative was found in my astrology daily inbox. 

 

"There are a lot of things up in the air in your life right now, but that doesn't mean you need to feel nervous. Try to see this uncertainty as an opportunity. You can make things go the way you want if you try hard enough. If you want to make a change, you can make it. Instead of projecting what you fear onto the situation, project what you want out of the situation. You'll be surprised by how a little bit of positive thinking can turn the tide and make things fall into place." 

 

Ok. To be fair to all Astrologers out there, I know such daily predictions do not really truly reflect what is going on in my life but if it could be resonated, I believe no harm tapping on its strengths and shortcomings, right? Was chatting up with K and H last night and touched on ageing, H and my first sign is Prebyopia, K didn't seem to have the issue and we were also mindful of how no longer our butt is perky. H said that all that "perikness" has flow to somewhere else and well I think it has to be the tummy for me. Haha Diary, yes vanity, who does not have that? I think I can surely remember this and be least forgetful. Haha. How time zoom passed and the next thing I knew there are already wrinkles on my forehead, dry skin and lower libido. Most of the individuals from the community who I knew has all aged very well. Perhaps there are not much stressors or they have already see through much in life.

 

I feel that my downfall can be potentially for being too obstinate. Diary, I am unsure man. There are always two sides of the coin, as the dictionary depicted "stubbornly refusing to change one's opinion or chosen course of action, despite attempts to persuade one to do so." This route for not fulfilling the societal norm i.e. married, have children is one very classic example. But there were no regrets Diary, I know I have chosen the wisest path. I recalled chatting with the person I met few days ago, I cannot help but to feel relief that I do not have those added on baggage with me. Yes, I see them as baggage, sad isn't it Dairy? But to some people it could be the fact that their destiny is as such so how can I make the best out of singlehood at the age of 40ish? A age whereby I am neither here nor there but seems like everywhere. Lol. Back to the theme on forgetfulness, I tried to console myself that whichever things that I cannot remembered its not meant to be remembered, so I need not to be so hard up but importantly remember people and issues I need to and loved.

 

Will I ever forget to visit you, Cloud Dairy? Maybe..... but I will write it somewhere to remind me daily that I need to visit you because these entries is a legacy that I did like to leave it to my dearest niece. I wonder what will be her narrative if she gets to read his Uncle's Diary without knowing my challenges prior to it?

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2020 10月 01号 星期四 阴

 

Dear Diary, do you know that you have become a sanctuary for me to hide from the stressors that I am having now? Its Mid-Autumn Festival today and everyone should be celebrating with their loved ones but with work piling up and deadline to fulfill, I guessed there was no time to eat any mooncakes or pomelo or wait for Hou Yi or Chang Er. Lol. I think knowing where is the level of my threshold is extremely important. I dislikes deadlines that are last minute yet in my line of work there are situations whereby I need to accommodate. Well, being "an amateur" to freelancing and self employment have its own set of challenges. There were times I feel like returning back to a full time work employee but another part of me knew that I need to break out of the viscous cycle and become my own boss somehow. Never try never know right Dairy? This is definitely a discomfort zone, without any work assignments, there will be no income and if there is no income I would have to tap on my reserves. So its important for me to clinch more jobs so that I can have a steady stream of income. It doesn't help when local cost of living is raising and yes I do feel the pinch. How on earth can Singapore improve the mental health of her residents when most of them are facing an enormous amount of stress? October is the World Mental Health Month and ironically we are receiving more bad news than good news. We are now approaching the 9th month of the pandemic, everyone is trying to stay afloat..... harmonized.... balanced.... the OM..... Ok, Diary I better stop ranting and get back to the real business. Perhaps this song can cheer me up a little bit?

 

P.S: But I must still be thankful that today went on pretty smooth-sailing lah. 🙂 

 

莫文蔚
 

时间
作词:李焯雄
作曲:林暐哲
编曲:林暐哲

没时间 我没时间 一瞬间来到夏天
单身的地平线 又转了一圈 晴天终于出现 转变
没时间想昨天 就撕掉爱情那张 褪色照片

没时间 我没时间 要永远占据夏天
雨后的地平线 晒干了悲伤 快乐不再搁浅 转眼
晒红我的双肩 朝我的方向加速 苦闷递减

为什么
太多时间 在抱歉 太少时间 在缠绵
太多时间 在抱怨 太少时间 值得去怀念

没有你的今天 唱一首歌消遣
快乐的声线 多明显
勉强的诺言 不实现

没时间 我没时间 一瞬间来到夏天
心情的抛物线 又转了一圈 明天终于出现 拒绝
没时间想昨天 没时间想昨天 不收集爱情的碎片
没时间想昨天 没时间再想你忧郁的脸

没时间 我没时间 没时间 我没时间
没时间 我没时间 没时间 我没时间 没时间 我没时间

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020 10月 02号 星期五 晴

Dear Diary, I fell into a deep sleep last night after completing a third of my tasks. Was exhausted but woke up feeling afresh now. Its been a while since I have vivid dreams and I feel it does assured me of something, glad to be in this state. Busy, tired yet fruitful. Its Oct 2020, time really flies, I started off my entry with you on a poem that depicted time and letting go. Time really is the best antidote to healing, in our fast pace society we wish everything to be fast and efficient yet we have forgotten how the universe operates with time. Some people may have given up pursuing it and ended their time prematurely, there are other who progresses with time and aimlessly went for their pursuits. Many are stuck with time consciously or unconsciously and consumed by it. So why can't I take their own sweet time on my matters? Largely is beyond me I feel, its the energies and environment that cause it but again I have the right to assert myself in anyway isn't it? Back to me, a choice to see if I should take up the bullshit along with me. This pandemic has make me paused a little while more and slowed me down. Could it be the universe divine arrangement for me to take more breather? Yes I did like to see it this way. Below is a light hearted song that described how time is used for healing from a failed relationship.

 

PS:  Diary, thank you for the extra time I have on this earth, and the time for me to be healed from the pain I experienced thus far. May I continue to pursue my Ikigai and live with a purpose in life as time goes by..... 

 

古巨基

忘了时间的钟
作词:李安修
作曲:陈富荣
编曲:江建民

还有没有如果 还有没有结果
你不要再害我 还有什么没说 还有什么没做
脑袋一片空 我的潇洒告诉我
Hey men ! Let her go 我的心却 哦
你曾经多爱我 你还记得否
为什么同一张口 才说爱我 又说要离开我
我像忘了时间的钟 一分一秒的过
却不知道越走错越多
忘了时间的钟 每个人都在笑我

哎呀呀呀
忘了时间的钟 滴滴答答不休
转啊转啊转啊 别管我
忘了时间的钟 好难过
呜 爱到最后 剩什么
谁告诉我(爱到最后 剩什么 你说 !)
走的太快 你说 不关心你感受
走的太慢 你又说 赶不上潮流

 

 

 

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2020 10月 03号 星期六 晴

Dear Diary, met with K and H for a dinner with another friend, T. We were all graduates from social sciences and instinctively our conversations revolved around it. T is the youngest among us yet has a matured soul. I can definitely see his zest and passion for the social service sector. I mean there are other people who may just wish to talk on other issues rather than work but he is different, he spoke with much determination and conviction on his area of specialisation. I am impressed by how he articulated himself and wish for more younger ones will possess that drive for their work. That brought me to the stage where I was in at his age. The difference is that I was so plagued with my own challenges back then that I had somehow lost it. Lost it in the sense that I was exposed to undesirable lifestyles to facade that pain I have experienced. In retrospect, I really hope I can use healthier ways to regulate but I guessed I have to experience that ordeal to convince me that the kind of lifestyle I led was seriously very unhealthy. Thankfully I have K and H who often keep me on track. As we parted I was reminded by K that I should avoid places that will potentially triggered and put me on that wallow mode again. This is what a true friend should be, be blatantly honest about things. His reminder warms my heart and not forgetting H who proposed this dine out since I had missed the last one due to my swab test back then. Diary, as I was typing this, I feel recharged. This is what I meant by being with like minded people and interacting with them gave me the boost of energy. Now back to my tasks.... I have a deadline to fulfill.

 

PS: T, wish you all the best for your future endeavours. I believe you will do excellently well in this sector.  And K and H let us continue to spur on and age well. So long we choose to do so, we will succeed. Thank you for the friendship once again. 

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2020年 10月 04号 星期日 冷 {{{(>_<)}}}

 

Priorities

Priorities Priorities
Did it reflect my reality?
Or a gentle reminder that
I should have be more assertive?

Why hasn't I been working wisely?
Shooting tonnes of bullets at my feet
Taking tasks that are so out of my reach
Perhaps the Universe is telling me something?

Maybe it is my time management
Or it could be other shortcomings
For now I should just hold the grit
Bite that bullets instead of shooting it

A new revelation unfolds
I know I will be more discerning and wiser
Grant me the much needed peace Cloud Diary
This reflection will definitely bring with it the amelioration of my prospectives

 

Hmmmm have i used this word Amelioration correctly??

ET

04.10.2020

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2020年 10月 04号 星期日 晴

Dear Diary, I will still weep whenever I listen to this song. One of the few songs that successfully pulled my heartstrings and send me goosebumps. I hoped I will never get to sing this song..... a love turned (        ).... the protagonist decided to dissociate his pursuits of love and admiration for his past love episodes. It ended with "不再為愛而愛" "Never will I love for the sake of love".

 

But what else Diary? What else is there not to love?

 

梁静茹

崇拜

作词:陈没
作曲:彭学斌
编曲:陈建骐

你的姿态 你的青睐
我存在在你的存在
你以为爱 就是被爱
你挥霍了我的崇拜

我活了 我爱了 我都不管了
心爱到疯了 恨到算了就好了
可能的 可以的 真的可惜了
幸福好不容易 怎么你却不敢了呢

我还以为我们能 不同于别人
我还以为不可能的 不会不可能

你的姿态 你的青睐
我存在在你的存在
你以为爱 就是被爱
你挥霍了我的崇拜

我活了 我爱了 我都不管了
心爱到疯了 恨到算了就好了
可能的 可以的 真的可惜了
幸福好不容易 怎么你却不敢了呢

我还以为我们能 不同于别人
我还以为不可能的 不会不可能

你的姿态 你的青睐
我存在在你的存在
你以为爱 就是被爱
你挥霍了我的崇拜

风筝有风
海豚有海
我存在在我的存在
所以明白 所以离开
所以不再为爱而爱
自己存在 在你之外...

 

 

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2020年 10月 05号 星期一 晴

Dear Diary, being emotional for a man has it own set of challenges. I am often emotionally and psychologically suppressed and not to articulate how I feel on certain issues. Days and nights were spent crying with the company of my bed, pillow, bolster and blanket. I wondered who on earth invented this phrase "男人有泪不轻谈" meaning man won't talk about their tears. Or "man up" "boys are not supposed to cry". Humans are emotional by nature, we cried when we are born if I am deprived from freedom to express my emotions, it may potentially caused several adverse lifestyle habits. Diary, do you know that i actually love hang overs? Because it allowed me exit the numbness in life..... to feel the throbbing headache and make me feel the pain that has been beneath my ice beg thus making me all human again..... sounds like self-cutting isn't it?

 

I feel that over the years I am unable to spoke forth what and how I feel because no audiences would like that. The few people whom I feel can readily take it in the first place, shunned me ultimately. Perhaps they have their own issues to work on. Seriously i hope that there will be an insurance that deals with emotions. Instead of a life insurance to address only medical issues how about an insurance that deals with adverse trauma and emotion turmoil? Meaning one pay premiums annually and so long they encounter life adversities which affect their health, they can claim a sum of money for self care activities i.e. retreats or rehabilitation treatment centre. I am glad to see the government has broaden the recent Medishield coverage but I thought more  items could be included. This pandemic has seen a new normal and speed up alot of challenges that are suppose to surface. One of preventive measures at the macrosystem level is to have such initiatives, deliberately. Of course the resources e.g. professionals such as Pyscharist, Psychologists, Counsellors and Social Worker on how to determine a persons' emotional health will have to come in. I know this may sound absurd as humans are not automobiles, when damaged it could be repaired at a certain fee and claims made thereafter. But i am still very much hopeful about it. 

 

PS: Diary, let's not deny that emotional health is more important because it could primarily triggered physical health challenges vice versa. Remember accumlated negative emotions is definitely unhealthy. Let's not deny that. 

 

https://blog.seedly.sg/mental-health-costs-subsidies-singapore/

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 10月 06号 星期二 晴

Dear Diary, are there fairness and justice in this world? I doubted so. Look at the issues on majorities vs. minorities, income gaps, SES and what not. Are we pursuing a matter that is forever out of reach?  The mankind has been fighting for human rights and equality all these years and realistically nothing much has been resolved. Honestly, I feel that we cannot eradicate injustice and unfairness but the best is to cushion the impact. However, if it was dealt in a way because of incompetence, lack of accountability and transparency, then it warrant attention. A few cases surfaced lately where I personally feel that one of the perpetuating challenges is really about the heartware of an individual (more can be expounded in the future).

 

The world has spoken much about physical and mental health, wellness yet the emotional and psychological often play a second and third fiddle. What constitutes a functional human? Have I been prioritizing my wellness wrongly or have I neglected and focusing too much on one aspect only? The biological make up for the majority male is that we are unable to multitask. The most I can only dual tasking I think. But what if I have the conscious effort to ensure I have a mindset of integration of the four? Emotional, Mental, Psychological and Physical. My elder sister said that all are important, one cannot do without the other hence cannot be prioritize. Thus I am imagining this four in regards to a Venn Diagram. What's the word for the centre Diary?

 

Definitely much reading and research are needed. If the current thoughts and education system have the capacity to address these four then why are mankind still facing the stressors?

 

Could it be simply because all men are born evil? 🤔

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@1936hrs

 

Evil vs Good

Are men born evil?
Are men born good?
Most will subscribe to the latter
But may I beg to differ....

If men are born good?
Any reasons for him to bring pain to his beloved mother during labour?
Any reasons for him to wail upon his arrival to this world?

Why is a child often called self-centred?
He cries, demand and worst, threw temper tantrums
Education is much needed
So that he will be learn to be more civic minded,


Or has it to be purely cultivated?

Societal norms disallow most misbehaviours,
Once committed I could be arrested,
Punishable under law and legislations.
So did I do good out of fear or our societal expectations?

Speak good, do good, show kindness and compassion plus a pinch of graciousness
Good karma will follow and I will duly rewarded thereafter
So did I do all these pursuits just to get an one way ticket to heaven?

I must have forgotten whilst doing the "good-will",
I inevitably bring much pain and harm to others,
be it intentional or unintentional.
I couldn't give a rational explanation for what I have narrated,
I tried but alas this is getting more and more complicated.

I experienced setbacks, terminations, gossips, slanders all hidden behind 'deeds of goodwill".

I often questioned, why am I born to this world?
A world full of classications, discrimination and stigmatisation.
Wow! All the big and long words in which I am being labelled.

A son, grandson, brother, uncle, cousin... A homosexual with mental illnesses
By now many will say that my mind is screwed or I may have been misguided... my thoughts distorted.

No worries. I am not in a state of mania or hypomania.

Why not you stand infront of the mirror.... and start to put yourself in my shoes, ET?

Often one cannot control what is beyond the situation but to pass judgement on another seems so convenient and desirable.

ET its time to shut up and mind your own business.

Look at yourself in the mirror!

Three fingers are pointing inward when you extend that finger to point at that mirror.

No! I do not need anyone to be in my shoes because they will never understand how I feel.

Just do more good and show more kindness... Something that I need to continue....

This is the least I can do

 

Be it if its evil or good. 

ET
06.10.2020

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 10月 07号 星期三 热

Dear Diary, its super hot today. It's been a while since I could just wear casually and be stoned at my nearby neighbourhood coffeeshop. My usual beverage nowadays, a cup of strongly brewed kopi o kosong. I have never enjoyed coffee, the only ones were brewed by my late paternal auntie during my childhood days. I stopped for awhile as the adults discouraged us to drink coffee and for awhile I drank tea. A year ago by coincidence I found the coffee that resembled what my paternal aunt had brewed. The robust aroma yet abit of milky taste to it. The coffee tasted sweet even without any sugar added and since then I have been drinking it regularly. For a person who hasn't been savouring coffee for the past 3 decades, the change I feel is pretty admirable. But I will only drink it in the day and from specific stalls that I feel its aromatic, if not, I would rather drink a non caffeine drink. 

 

Perhaps that's translate to my definition of a love relationship, finding that someone who can complement me. Its not X, not Y and not the other dates, flings or relationships that i had previously. Everything back then its 昙花一现, 一眼瞬间, 一厢情愿, 一意孤行。Of course its unfair for me to compare coffee vs human but the spirit behind my choice is similar. It has to be something that I enjoyed and complementary. Ok back to my task. Have a good day Diary. 

 

@1800hrs

Diary, there are things in life that is really not meant to be. Be it whether is by divine arrangement or not. I made the decision not to let it happen.... I can but I choose not to. Often its to prevent something from happening.....will it pleasant or not. I am unsure. But I replied with a no almost immediately. If I say yes, then alot of my pre- arrangements will have to be postponed. No longer I am lingering in the past.... ET just look forward bah, no point returning back to those what you presume that was ideal. The ideal back then may not serve its purposes now. It can be an opportunity but definitely not highly sought after. 

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2020年 10月 09号 星期五 晴

 

Reunion

A reunion that came too late?
Could it be a divine arrangement?
Or was it man made?
Mixed feelings, somehow stirring.

 

It is akin a hot dish served terribly cold
And asked if I am ok with it
There's nothing not to be ok to begin with
What had happened cannot be unchanged

 

The cold dish could have been reheated
But no longer it will taste the same
It has since lost its original taste 
Nothing can possibly be done to salvage

 

Though I could have say yes,
It is of my least desire
The already turned cold dish,
may not be as healthy as it seems

 

My friends said,

"Do what it resonate,
You would be fascinated.
If matters are deemed to be calculated,
Tell them you won't contaminate,
Or else you will defecate"

 

I have to get my priorities right
A reunion now could be unwise
Was it due to my ego and pride?
I reflected before my sleep last night.

 

The answer is still a no
There are other things to focus on.
A sudden rash to change my mind
But its too late now....
Till the next arrange reunion I shall wait.

 

ET in agreement with K and H

08.10.2020

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2020年 10月 10号 星期六 晴

 

Dear Diary, its Mental Health Day today and yes I hope that there will be a day when we no longer "commemorate this day" because so long this day exits, the world population is still facing some kind of mental illnesses and disorders in which I hope it could be viewed in a different light and perspective. Diary what I am sharing now could be highly critical and blunt for some, I hope that these comment would be perceived differently, as in a form of feedback instead of another ranting content. Living with a diagnosed mental disorder has its own set of challenges systemically. Though the recovery is much dependable on SELF but the people who surround the SELF have an important role to play as well.

 

I went through three interviews

via three different Ministries and out of the three, two of my job applications were rejected (with no reasons given) during the Medical Review phase though I have successfully passed the interviews.  When I worked at the Social and Community work level, I was casted into awkward situations where I need to divulge my mental illness against my will though I did not pose any threats to self or anyone else. Colleagues started to be "overly sympathetic" or they would ignored me altogether, the "social distancing" was pretty evident. And then it made me realized that people from Social Services are still human after all, imperfect and how can I imposed my ideals on them?  The government took an initiative, that was imho two decades late-- to eradicate the question on one's declaration of their mental illness in the job application form. Imho, it made no differences because ultimately the person will still live in fear and anxieties of worrying that someone would find out.... BUT at least there will be a higher chance to be called for an interview without the need to declare.

 

I went for two job interviews recently (same sector) and declared my mental disorder condition only on the day of the interview. The switch in the interviewers' non-verbal, countenances and speech patterns were very obvious. They were obviously caught off guard and tried their best not to look too uncomfortable. Sorry Diary, but I just could not find any better reasons to justify why I was regarded as such but to reconcile that the interviewers themselves may have their own issues to work on for a very long time. In the end, I did not made it and even if I did, I wondered if I will embark on it because I cannot imagine that I will be working under work environment where the in-charge presented their awkwardness so subtlety towards people with diagnosed mental illnesses.

 

When I relapsed a few years ago and was admitted to the Institution of Mental Health, I was deeply traumatized by the entire experience. One classic example was this younger than me male Medical Social Worker (MSW) informed that he did like to report my admission to the association that I am affiliated with, again I am wondering what was there to inform since, again, I did not cause harm to self and others, ok to be fair, I do have suicide ideations but if I would have completed suicide, I would not admit myself to the Emergency Services in the first place isn't it? Honestly speaking, I do not enjoy my stay at IMH at all, I felt the conversations lead by the professionals were all pretentious. The only few professionals whom I knew that are genuine or at least has façade their negative emotions very well would not behave akin how they behave. In the end, I advocated for myself and the MSW decided not to divulge to the association. I finally knew back then why my ex-clients had been telling me how unpleasant it was to be warded at IMH and how they were treated by the allied health professionals. 

 

Diary, again, I am thankful for my families and friends who had unconditionally accepted me for who I am. This is my third and last try to go without any psychotic medications and moving towards my third year under the consultation of my Psychiatrist. She has unreservedly and selflessly took time to listen to me and guided me in coming out to my loved ones. Another Psychiatrist I did like to mention, he is the one who had established a Bipolar Disorder Support Group way back in the mid-2000, it has definitely provided me with a safer space, allowing me to know more about Bipolar Disorder and had provided me with a network of peers, knowing that I am not journeying alone in all these. Dr Yap and Dr Peh, my heartfelt thanks to both of you. And of course Pa, Ma and Jie, thank you for being there for me all these years. I knew it hasn't been easy but I am blessed to have all of you in my life hence making it bearable. To my 12 years niece, you will be reading this when you are more matured in age. I hope by then your generation will regard people with mental disorder / illnesses as a way of life. Though 舅舅 wish that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM5) will be abolish one of these days but 舅舅 know it would never happened any time sooner.

 

Moving on..... my life continues, finding different ways and adapting different lifestyles to make my time in this world a more meaningful and fruitful one. Whatever I did in the past that was not helping or unhealthy, I am glad that I finally took a bold step to dissociate them or made a radical change. Diary, thank you for being part of my life and last but not least Blowing Wind forum for providing me this platform to voice my inner thoughts and emotions as well. 

 

Happy Everyday! Peace everyone! 

 

PS: A thought provoking article dated 2019 and it still very relevant till today. 

 

https://mothership.sg/2019/10/interview-kua-ee-heok-woodbridge-imh/

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 10月 12号 星期一 晴

Dear Diary, talking about death is often frowned upon. Watching the news of the covid19 death tolls increasing daily reinforces that life is extemely fragile and vulnerable. Coincidentally, last week two of my chatgroups and work colleagues spoke about the much taboo topic-- DEATH. The topic was initiated by a WhatsApp video that depicts the death of an entire family of 5 in a fire. According to the content in Chinese, the family was burnt to death because the sprayed body sanitizer came into contact of the father's fire from the lighter. 

"一家五口人..夫妻二人和3个小孩.去外面回到家..进家时全身喷洒了酒精与消毒液..不一会男的想抽跟煙..打火机点开瞬间..因酒精与消毒液喷在身上..🔥烧到了全身...妻子与3个孩子见状.为了救丈夫与爸爸..一家人都扑上去救火🔥..没想到全家人都喷有消毒液..一家五口人.就这样活生生的被🔥烧死..多么的悲惨啊!望各位老乡亲人好友们.在无情的病毒面前.也要做好各方面的安全..望家家户户都清吉平安🙏🙏🙏"

My heart sank while I watched the video of their funeral wake. On the another hand, I am thinking.... at least the entire family left this world together.... I am unsure where this thought came from and if its healthy.... perhaps its my personal emphasis of family togetherness. Its painful to witness my loved ones left the world either by old aged or prematurely by illness or suicides. Though I know death is inevitable life process but there was always much sadness attached to it.

 

In recent years I have tried to adjust my perception on issues of death, as S has ever said "Birth is the counting down to death, death is the start of a rebirth" and while waiting this person will be at either heaven or a paradise. So coming from this perceptive, death should be celebrated instead of brooding over and indulging to the sadness that were affiliated to it. Have I gotten over the deaths of my loved ones and friends? Yes because I did like to choose to believe that they were all now in a better place awaiting to be reborn or heaven (whichever religion they subscribed to). As for me? I once shared that once my responsibilities as my son and uncle were fulfilled, I will choose to leave this world hopefully by Euthanasia (hopefully not by any accidents or traumas). My ashes to be scattered into the sea or grow into a plant with no religious ceremonial or tablet needed.  But before my death comes, my primary mission is to live my life to the fullest for myself and my loved ones. 😊

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2020年 10 13号 星期二 晴

Dear Diary, its been awhile since I have a dream and last night I was woken up by this scenario and that feelings still lingers. In the dream, I was mumbling....walking along the pavement after a match make session.... lamenting why I was in such a state... (yes Diary i do get occasional match make sessions from my parents and concerned parties from time to time in reality). The next scene transported me to one of the Downtown Line mrt stn towards Expo. Next, the pavement i walked turned into a slide and I glided all the way and clumsily landed at the platform. I looked up, the train travelled in a 90 degrees angle in a U shape akin like a snake wriggling. Then I woke up, it was 5.45am. The sightings of train was magnificent it was like watching a movie the closest I can think of is "Inception". Diary I wonder what's this dream meant... perhaps its in relation to my desire of getting a companion. Lately there was this WhatsApp link that was sent to me talking about "Swinging"- an open relationship in which all parties were informed of their other relationships established out there. This concept is no stranger to our community, it has been widely practised for all these decades. Some choose to divulge some choose to do it secretly. I forwarded it to my contacts of friends, most just shun the topic, only a small handful who are ok with it. Diary I believe I did mentioned on the concept of polygamy and what I believe in. The differences between both is really about the legislation part of it other than that its similar. So will I wait for the least than perfect person to appear in my life? Of course I will but will I allow open relationship to take place? I don't know Diary. Perhaps my social circle of friends are primarily in favour of close relationship but then most of them are still unattached or return to single hood. So will I ever landed myself in the state whereby i need to make a choice? I don't know.... just feel that the dream has evoked something. Something that I need to ponder over. Yes Diary I am thrown into this sea of nowhere again. 

 

PS: An 2016 article... still very relevant..

https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_9020986?ncid=engmodushpmg00000003&guccounter=1

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2020年 10 14号 星期三 晴

Dear Diary, experienced a throbbing headache last night similar to those hangovers that I had in the past. Woke up this morning feeling better but the slight acute pain is still there as I was typing the text. What could be the cause? I think its the screen time that I had on my hp and laptop. I better make a conscious effort to reduce it. As I lauded the use of online technology, hopefully I am not over using it to the extend of neglecting my physical health. Be it for work or personal.... zoom webinars, YouTube, WhatsApp and what not, all had preoccupied most of my time . Everything in moderation, a gentle reminder to myself. Besides I am often on face mask whilst I am out, the deprivation of that free flowed oxygen is a luxury nowadays. 

 

Recently came across a news article on a loving and caring father who caused the death of his daughter who was diagnosed with mental disorders. As I reflected, the plight of caregivers are very real, especially when the person with mental disorders declined to be treated medically. I am glad that I started treatment early in my 20s. The medications and institution care back then provided my family with some form of respite care. I have since moved out of the need to be medicated as I have since accepted my identity as a gay but with such acceptance came another set of challenges which I am trying to attempt to resolve them as it come. I am blessed to have a robust support ecological system and my wish is for people who are having such challenges to have similar support as well. The social and community have provided some sort of support but again would it sufficient or has it inevitably perpetuated the situation? A sounded policy will only takes effect many years after, its a slow and gradual process, still I am optimistic. There are well intend men and women out there fighting the causes. I wonder if the below mentioned videos can be a form of support, i do believe that it can but could it be a 100%? I doubted it. Yes I am imperfect as a human hoping to gain 100% equilibrium intrinsically something that outsiders may not feel it but so long i can i am more than well pleased. The accountability is to myself not anyone else.

 

 

 

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2020年 10 15号 星期四 晴

Dear Diary, there are many situations in life that its beyond my control so how I choose to response is very important. I used to wallow in self pity alot but nowadays I will try to break the cycle, putting in conscious effort to tell myself that its really a waste time and energy draining to do just that. It somehow works yet it only resolve that tip at the ice berg. Often I have dive deep enough, I did like to have someone to process it but then found a better method to do so, its through singing and writing. These two allow me to express myself in a wide spectrum and dive deep into the bottom of the ice berg. Like it a not the charges for private counselling services out there is ridiculously over priced. One session can called up to SGD 300 per hour. Imho, i understood the rationale behind this pricing because the fees for a higher degree course locally or overseas are very expensive as well. So in order to have a ROI, one would peg their price as such. For humanitarian causes I wonder if its the best way to go but it makes all business sense to be mindful of the revenues as well. In addition its not only about the price but the quality of services too. A one or one and half hour session to address certain issues is really inadequate, so it really takes the therapist or counsellor to be sensitive and discerning enough to sieve through the client's narration and by intuition backed up by empirical knowledge from the studies to formulate the hypothesis. This can take place concurrently in the session for that good few minutes as the professionals listened attentively to the clients. One of the Counsellor, SJ I went to in the past did just that. SJ is a extremely patience and attentive, she is very sharp in highlighting the challenges i faced implicitly and even pointed out some of my blindspots. That comes with vast experiences and wisdom I would say. I am very blessed to have her as my Counsellor really. Though I have stop my sessions with her but some of her guidance still etched in my mind. Again I am not saying talk therapy is not helpful but if I have outgrown of it.... its time to try something else. Likewise for medications, i will choose to believe that I will never ever got to need any medications again. Replacing it is my applied wisdom and discernment in respect to my lifestyle, who I associate myself with and what kind of career would I wish to embark in to keep that Ikigai of mine still burning. I am definitely not someone who wish to run in that rat race but what if I am called to that is against my will? 

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2020年 10 16号 星期五 晴

Dear Diary, our human brains are really complex and powerful. I had a nightmare this morning within a span of 30mins. I woke up for a pee at 6.30am, returned to sleep and had this dream of me meeting a friend at an China ancient 鼓楼 (The Drum Tower of Beijing, or Gulou, is situated at the northern end of the central axis of the Inner City to the north of Di'anmen Street. Originally built for musical reasons, it was later used to announce the time and is now a tourist attraction. The Bell Tower of Beijing, stands closely behind the drum tower.) He held a necklace of green beads in his hands and I handed over him a wristband of brown beads, he said something in relation to the number 72 and next moment he leaped off the building and landed on the ground, it was unsure if he has pass on but another of our common female friend approached me and said it must be the green beads that he held that caused him to be "unlucky" this the fall took place. And I woke up from the dream. It has been sometime I and my friends met one another after the CB period. Diary should I tell this friend of mine what I dreamt? Seriously if the dream is a prediction of what will happen or in relation to a mishap then I think its good to let him know just to preempt him. According to the dream interpretation if someone dreamt of someone leap off a building it could also meant that I have unresolved issues.

 

Diary in fact there were two phone calls I received that perturbed me yesterday, both were female callers both were equally rude and one choose not to listen, the other one uses a discriminatory tone and speech pattern that I feel it could have been improved. I wonder if the work place they are in are highly stressed but it seems like both of them are not ready to talk courteously and as much as they wish to objective yet their tone of voice and sentence structure gave them away. Anyway I was angry for a moment but choose to empathise with the both of them. I mean they are working for the Ministries and perhaps they are not in a good emotional state to have a proper and respectful conversation. Anyway, guess there will be alot of matters I need to reflect upon this weekend. Good opportunity to do a stock take especially after the much intense of World Mental Health day which seems to have fizzle off quickly over the past week. Grant me the peace and wisdom in conveying the dream to my friend, Diary.

🙏🙏🙏

 

https://fateclick.com/dream/what-is-the-predication-of-dreaming-about-some-one-jumping-off-a-building

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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@2015hrs

 

Silence or Not

Should I choose to be silence?
Or should I rock the boat?
Seriously.... I don't know
Forgive and forget I was told

The hurts been there for many years
I thought I could forgive
But forgiveness is a feeling
And not what I think cognitively

Why can't I be more objective about it?
If i choose to reveal, lots will be unveil
Has Karma been served righteously?
Or should I even glean for it?

There were alot of uncertainties
it had definitely hurt how others sees in me
Its no longer about letting go and let God
I am trying not to be religious about it

Not when I am affected so adversely
Bringing pain to my arse indefinitely
Are there any other ways to route it?
I think I need (             ) to address it

All men are born evil..... really?

 

ET 

16.10.2020

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2020年 10 17号 星期六 晴

Dear Diary, glad that my friend did not gave an adverse reaction to what I texted him on my dream yesterday morning. To dream of someone who jump off a building was definitely unpleasant and when I goggled for the dream interpretation of it and did an in depth read, it does reflect the reality that I am in now..... challenges after challenges. I spent time getting my birth chart read and yet some of the predictions done went against what I have always been wanting to do yet feel that its not the time to do it. I think I will call it an "active procrastination". We have been told by the society implicitly that you will have to be a certain educational level i.e. Phd, Masters, Doctorate to be credible. So next question would be do I need to further my studies or put those monies to some other avenues and purposes? Remember I spoke about the rat race Dairy? That was the rat race in which I am referring to. Am I going to pick up that shit again so that I could be seen as someone who is of credibility, convincing and confidence? No I do not need to but yes the society needs it as they have long forgotten that their forefathers had survived without any academic certifications as well. Yes Diary..... I know times are different but if education becomes a business, a balance sheet, extravagant buildings and facilities and ROIs that are the main driving forces then what is that spirit behind education? Today is the first day of the ninth month of the lunar calendar, good to reflect and prayed for wisdom at the temple. Hate the feeling of being "tossed in the wave"..... the ups and downs in life......when will it ever ends.... a million dreams running in my heart that are somehow "never enough"? 

 

Well this is me, Diary! 

 

This is me

 

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of
all my scars
Run away, they say
No one will love you as you are
But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today,
I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades
And reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)
Won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
This is me
And I know that I deserve your love
There's nothing I'm not worthy of

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is brave, this is bruised
This is who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come (look out 'cause here I come)
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
(marching on, marching, marching on)
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
(When the words wanna cut me down,
gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out)
(Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh)
I'm gonna send a flood
Gonna drown them out
(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)
This is me

 

 

 

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2020年 10 18号 星期日 晴

 

Love vs SSA

 

Why some people sees Same Sex Attraction (SSA) as a struggle? 

Why can't it be just pure love for one another? 

Again I am not here to stir a drama play 

But just a few thoughts of my life experiences

 

If the greatest commandment is to love thy neighbour 

And if love is supposed to be unconditional

Why are there people still struggling with that SSA word?

Faith and religion are supposed to bring peace and for unification.

Not to cause unrest and divisions within one another. 

 

When legalism creeps in, it distant you and me

If this love is tainted with sex

Then should I have this relationship axed?

If emotion, physical and psychological proximity come into play

 

Isn't it criminal?

If it does,

then let's live in our own bubble

then let's live in isolation

then let's make love conditional 

 

You may love but only to this group of people

You may love but leave once I fulfill my desire

You may love but manage your SSA struggles

 

A moment of folly derailment

But love is love its so unexplainable

Why everyone is so hard up on this struggle

If the Universe calls two or more people to be in love why defy nature?

 

Could it be because all men are born evil?

They are selfish to the extend of wanting to keep that love to themselves.

"Nope some things are not meant to be shared, go away!"

I could argue the entire day but love is still love....

its supposed to be otherwise unconditional? 

 

ET

18.10.2020

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2020年 10 18号 星期日 晴

Dear Diary, Taiwan has nailed it once again. Initially it was the soundtrack that first caught my attention without knowing the plot of the movie. This movie depicted a story of two male protagonists love for each other in their college days. It brought the audiences back to the year 1987 where Taiwan society was still a very conservative state and prejudice against the LGBTQI community. This movie also touched on how religion has an impact on both of the leads' view of relationship, in the end, the male lead Birdy married out of obligation. There were hints in the movie that portrayed Birdy love to the other male lead but it was never clearly expressed to him. It sets me thinking which part of my life will I reminisce in 30years time when I first met my first gay puppy love? By then I will be in my 50ish. It will be certainly a bitter sweet but I did like to choose to remember the sweetness of that memories. 

 

"Your name engraved herein" is the title, hopefully it will be screened in Singapore soon. 

 

 



腕表的时间停滞
定格那强悍的前进
是否还记得那一连串
急速逆时的绊脚石

过往云烟已成为个奢侈
时间不为任何人逆流
只因逆行是愚蠢无味的
但前进可否能带来幸福

幸福与否 不计得失
是自然宇宙的规则
失望无助是份便当
每天都在来回地逆食

恶心的回忆已到此为止
隐藏的是那份卑微的斗志
无时无刻提醒着我勇往前进
是那么重要的一件事

 

柚子 

18.08.2020

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 10 20号 星期二 晴

Dear Diary, one word: Overwhelmed. 😅

 

坚持做贱

我的坚持带给你的不适
我仅此向你赔不是
人生没有多少个十年
为何要如此活得那么沉沦

每人都有那刻苦铭心的他
自做贱地渴望
委曲求存地想让他接纳
全心全意地守候 难道错了吗
还是那份自私的心理 无法自拔

人海茫茫的邂逅 不是偶然
也不是情非得已 理所当然
那善恶缘造就无数痴男怨女
莫非全都是前世所造的孽

当我觉得能够走出那过往云烟
某种浅线总在某个时间点拉扯着
拉扯着 强迫着 呐喊着
对不起 是我 全是我
无法跨越对他的思念 我以为 我可以


怎么那份情感是那么的强烈
难道 他也在对岸回忆着
回忆着那美好的每一天
撤离 抽离 逃离

是一种自我救赎的防伪

就让我继续坚持做贱
过着我下半辈子的四十年

柚子
20.10.2020

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@1010hrs

 

 

刻在我心底的名字 Your Name Engraved Herein
作詞 Lyricists:許媛婷、佳旺、陳文華 作曲 Composers:許媛婷、佳旺、陳文華

 

Oublie-le(忘了他吧)
Forgetting you (in French)
好幾次我告訴我自己
Several times I’ve told myself
越想努力趕上光的影
The more I try to catch the light
越無法抽離而已
The harder it is to get away
Je t’aime (我愛你)
I’ve loved you (in French)
刻骨銘心只有我自己
And I’m the only one who seem to remember it
好不容易講出真心的勇氣
I broke from my shell to give you my heart
你沉默的回應是善意
Your silence is the kindest grace
刻在我心底的名字
Your name engraved herein
忘記了時間這回事
Making time go by without a trace
於是謊言說了一次就一輩子
One lie was told that determined the rest of my life
曾頑固跟世界對峙
I stand defiant outside the world
覺得連呼吸都是奢侈
But even breathing is a luxury
如果有下次我會再愛一次
If I have another chance, I will surely love again
刻在我心底的名字
Your name engraved herein
你藏在塵封的位置
You’re buried deep down in the dust
要不是這樣我怎麼過一輩子
If I didn’t do so, I wouldn’t be able to live the rest of my life
我住在霓虹的城市
Living in the city of neon lights
握著飛向天堂的地址
Holding the address to paradise
你可以翱翔可是我只能停滯
You fly away, leaving me stranded here

尋找你茫茫人海卻又想起你
Searching for you, out of everyone you came into my mind
好不容易離開思念的軌跡
I’ve been trying so hard not to think of you
回憶將我聯繫到過去
But the memories brought me back again
刻在我心底的名字
Your name engraved herein
忘記了時間這回事
Making time go by without a trace
既然決定愛上一次就一輩子
I’ve decided to love, only once for the rest of my life
希望讓這世界靜止
I hope the time would stop
想念才不會變得奢侈
So I have more time to miss you
如果有下次我會再愛一次
If I have another chance, I will surely love again
刻在我心底的名字
Your name engraved herein
你藏在塵封的位置
You’re buried deep down in the dust
要不是這樣我怎麼過一輩子
If I didn’t do so, I wouldn’t be able to live the rest of my life
我住在想你的城市
Living in a city that only reminds me of you
握著飛向天空的鑰匙
Holding the key to fly into the sky
你繼續翱翔還有我為你堅持
You continue to fly and don’t worry cause I’m always here for you

刻在我心底的名字
Your name engraved herein
忘記了時間這回事
Making time go by without a trace
既然決定愛上一次就一輩子
I’ve decided to love, only once for the rest of my life
希望讓這世界靜止
I hope the time would stop
想念才不會變得奢侈
So I have more time to miss you
如果有下次我會再愛一次
If I have another chance, I will surely love again

 

Credit: Corner Cafe

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2020年 10月 21号 星期三 晴

Dear Diary, my energy was low yesterday. overwhelmed by this unknown emotions that swarmed in. My compartment was forcefully opened and that streams of past came flooding in as I listened to the song 刻在我心底的名字。The lyrics did described how I felt in the past... that 6yrs ago imprints surfaced by itself again. As I listened, tears flowed but I would say its not as detrimental as 如歌。I tried singing the song via the KTV app and did it with much challenges with the original key.... only manage to sing comfortably when I push the key down to -2. Ok I didn't wailed as much as I sang 如歌 which is a good sign. 刻 lyrics are more contemporary but why is it that it was not as touching as 如歌? Or perhaps that was just the beginning of a big storm coming? Anyway Diary I am glad that I didn't "fell too deep" into this song. As I read the lyrics the most impressionable part was this verse 你可以翱翔可是我只能停滯. Yes X is now well established in every aspects of his life, he seems to have soared in his career as well. But as for me I am still stuck in this pit.... again its about perspective. I may seems stuck in terms of career accomplishments but I think I have advanced in my emotional and psychological well being. I managed to find this Diary that I wrote that recorded what had happened while I was diagnosed in the force to my Christian walk till the year I ended in 2008. X was only mentioned as a name in one of my prayer lists.... I was a Christian back then to have outwardly expressed my affautation towards X deem to be a sin.... so all I can do is to keep him and other brother in Christ in prayers. As I read through the content, familiar names that had been anchors were not with me now. But I am still very grateful that I have overcame every difficult phases encountered during those years. And yes I couldn't stop those memories from surfacing but I can definitely choose how I can response to it when it streams in periodically. Good that I managed to pick myself up again and now on my way out for dinner. If it was me two decades ago, I think I would have fall into depression. Knowing Astrology helps as well because it has predicted me that this time period will be challenging for me and I need to detached myself emotionally and physically from issues that are beyond what I can managed. This awareness has indeed help me. I am thankful. 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 10 22号 星期四 晴

Dear Diary, 12 days has passed since the 10th Oct 2020.  There were alot of buzz surrounding mental health for the past 4 years. I appreciates the Government for finally taking mental health seriously since it drafted out its Masterplan in 2017. The Covid19 pandemic has definitely speeded up the need to raise more awareness, educate and reinforce the knowledge and also to step up the resources in regards to mental health. The techo, chrono, macrosystem have certainly evolved in such a way that it has gradually open up more avenues for people to talk freely on mental health/illness as well.


Imho, this is just the beginning, having the knowledge is one thing but doing it is another. It is unrealistic for people to change their perceptions and perspectives over a short period of a few years. Honestly speaking, people who are diagnosed with mental disorders still feel discriminated and stigmatized despite all the efforts done on the ground. So what is next? Personally I feel that it still boils down to me, SELF to navigate the ever changing yet ironically stagnant situation I am in.

 

Sensitive-- Most people with mental health challenges are often labeled as sensitive (in a negative connotation). On the contrary, one can also be sensitive towards the other human or situations that they are in. For example, if I am sensitive to pick up that the recipient(s) is not ready or not willing to listen or understand about the mental disorder challenges, I may wish to avoid pushing the topic down their throat because this may cause adverse irritations towards the other person. I can also be sensitive to my body systems/signals as well, if I know that I am emotionally affected, I will have the courage to assert myself and say no to whichever things or person that made me feel uncomfortable.

 

Evolve- Change is constant and I will often faced with such challenges in adapting to it. Importantly is to accept that if these methodologies no longer works for me, I must be ready to evolve to take on other methodologies that may potentially tick. For example, if talk therapy or CBT is no longer therapeutic to regulate my stressors, why not try other methods instead e.g. journaling, writing or explore the Arts i.e. Psychodrama? I will be unwise to keep on doing the same thing and expect different results. If I do not dare to try something different, push that boundaries, I will never know that this can just be the antidote to the challenges I am facing.

 

Listen--- In everything I listen to my body and the environment that I am in, be it at the family, personal or professional front. Listening is an art and is beyond just hearing. I can also choose to listen attentively to the nature, to the gentle sea waves and seek solace from it. I can also choose not to listen to unhealthy critics and remarks from the distortions around me especially when I am sensitive enough to discern the negative intend and consequences that comes along with it.

 

Feel--- To promote mental health and wellness, its important to get in touch with my feelings. Feel that emotions and be sensitive to enough to know how, why, what triggers them. Its only when I accepts what I feel, I become a human. Despite all the existence of the discrimination and stigmatization, I feel, accept and be emotional about it but most importantly not to indulge on it. I will always tell myself to quenched my negative emotions within 24hrs if something is still not right, 48hrs and so forth. Importantly is to reach out to a buoyant in which will help me to stay afloat. I wi also be wiser to choose healthier activities instead of those undesirable ones.

As I read the literatures, attended seminars that depicted mental health and illnesses for the Nth years, coupled with what I have experienced on the ground, it just reinforces that at the end of the day is how I continuously build on mySELF that matters, nothing else.


With that I hope there will be a day where World Mental Health day is no longer commemorated because it has since been so integrated into my lifestyle that talking about it is akin taking my three meals daily. Again I am idealist, always preparing for the worst but hopes for the best. Good night Diary. 

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2020年 10月 23号 星期五 晴

Dear Diary, glad that its Friday. These two days has been quite hectic. Attempted to write some afterthought on Mental Health Day and posted it here last night. Came across this article that depicted this gigantic word Anosognosia it was explained as: 

"A syndrome has been identified in individuals, particularly individuals with schizophrenia and bipolar disorders, who adamantly refuse to believe that they need help or treatment. Anosognosia is a deficit of self-awareness, a condition in which a person seems unaware of the existence of his or her disability.

There is evidence that anosognosia related to schizophrenia may be the result of frontal lobe damage.  E. Fuller Torrey, a psychiatrist and schizophrenia researcher, believes that among those with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, anosognosia is the most prevalent reason for not taking medications."

Diary, perhaps you may ask how does this word resonates? Coming from someone who choose to believe that he has "Graduated from mental illnesses" I guess I should be less bothered about it isn't it? But I think its unrealistic to totally ignore this because I have been living with this bipolar disorder label for almost 20 years. Lo and behold all these big and bombastic words are created by humans and often these words attached a meaning to it in which will best suit that era. Have anyone heard of TB, walkman, pagers? My era or the era before me will definitely know what are these items but if I have to ask my niece now, she will look at me, confused. Of course I am not going to dismiss the potential severity of the connotations each word holds (especially the medical terms) but what i am trying to say is every word existed for a reason, time and season. Some words will etched some words will just fade away as I enter a new paradigm. So I have been introduced to this word Anosognosia during this period. I can have these few choices: 

1) Take this word up literally and dwell on it. Become so engaged and start to think that I belong to this category. Either fall into depression again or get so perturbed about it and had sleepless nights over it. 

2) Ignore this word and carry on with my life, be least bothered about but knowing that there are people out there who maybe experiencing this phase now and may go undetected and not treated at a timely fashion. And then don't do anything about it. 

3) Know the importance of this word yet do a reframing. Diary, for me I did like to see that as much as this word exits I need not to subscribe to it. I will take it that as I journey through "Bipolar Disorder", it is primarily my tussle and struggles with my homosexuality back then. And as I age, there will be new perspectives and life challenges that I will encounter. And with every encounter is a learning experience. I did like to choose to dwell more on these two words-- wisdom and discernment because it nourishes my soul. 

Thus it is not a total ignorance but knowing that it exits yet be least bothered about it. Again its about perspectives, there would be people out there who said that I am in this denial phase currently but the perspectives are theirs and I do not wish to pick it up. Just like my Taiwan therapist said all I need to know is when to recharge since I am a hypersensitive person to stimulus. So instead of accumulating my drained emotions and escape to this sanctuary named "Bipolar Disorder" I can choose to do a recharge periodically after a 60mins of engagement, be it to detach myself from screen time or take a tea break. 

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/tms/2016/01/how-to-help-someone-with-mental-illness-that-does-not-want-help/

PS: I believe in the co existence of different perspectives and ideologies but if the objective and emphasis are on how to make it profitable our of greed and power, then I will have second thought about it. Who knows this word is introduced and propagated because of the pharmaceutical sector, right Diary?

Edited by amuse.ed
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@1530hrs

It has been nearly 20 years and people are still talking about myths of people with mental disorders. Has time stalled or human are unable to advance? Hopefully this pandemic will allow the ecological system to take a breather and allow us to reflect on our mental health and wellness.... asking ourselves why are we still associating violence, low productivity to mental illnesses? 

 

https://www.tal.sg/tafep/Resources/Interviews/2020/It-is-Time-to-Talk-about-Mental-Health-What-You-Need-to-Know-to-Be-Inclusive#

 

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2020年 10月 24号 星期六 晴

 

Dear Diary, yes I am here to rant again. Attended a Zoom session this morning and the main theme discussed was totally detracted. All I sensed were people trying to promote their services and products. No one out there is to seriously addressed the issues and of course the grand finale.... funding for the projects initiatives. Looks like things hasn't changed since I have left the sector.  A total of 3 hrs of my life wasted. Anyway I have feedback and hope that the organizer will take them seriously.  I think we have move towards to a society where there are only some people who will dished the feedbacks and improvements, the rest are opportunist who are out there to prowl? I sincerely hope that I am wrong. Mental Health and wellness is a fluid topic, the only statistic we have are from a sample size of people but are they are able to effectively address the nationwide issues? Or have we reached out to the right intended audiences who feel that they need not any assistances? Something to ponder on.

 

Previously I spent almost a good 14 years in educational institutions, the last thing I wish for is to feel uncomfortable or reluctant to pursue what I am supposed to do. Honestly speaking, I have never enjoyed schools, the regimentals and pursuance of academic excellence somehow drove me so crazy and all stressed up, all I could do was to suppress it and once the threshold was reached, the dormant volcano erupted, and there you have it "Bipolar Disorder" as what depicted in the DSM5. Imho, I feel that a multiple prong approached has to be adopted,  it all start from the top akin those champagne wine glasses tower with wine poured and flowed down. The macrosystem must do their part to ensure the bad triggers to mental health and wellness have to be well-cushioned and regulated in our systems. Easier typed than done? Yes, it is. But anyway good to know there are a group of people locally who (             ). 

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@2320hrs

 

那段日子。。。
我每天在练习松绑
那无时无刻的困扰
酒肉朋友说我自寻烦恼
没人说。。。

来! 我在这儿聆听你说

呼吸就像是一份苦差
思路常被打得乱七八糟
夜晚累了却睡不着觉
胃口也变得不尽理想

难道。。。


是"男人要现得强悍,有泪不轻谈"
是被世俗困扰 是永远还不完的账单
是被世人所无心伤害
都可能是社会种种问题所害


想一了白了。。。
上了网 搜索资料
查询自寻短路的管道
列出了几个方法
反复地在脑海打转

但我做不到 因为起码。。。

还有那顽固不化的我
还有至爱的爱与关怀
还有蛮多的责任要扛
还有还没到"另一端"查查看

现在的我。。。
已游走在"另一端" 挑战也接踵而来
被歧视 被打压 被辱骂 被质疑
我一律不得不吞下
包括那冷言冷语

但幸好。。。

还有那顽固不化的我
还有至爱的爱与关怀
还有蛮多的责任要扛
还有。。。还有
同道中人的存在与关爱
认知人性的本恶的哲理
都让我坚持到现在 😊

 

感恩 
柚子
24.10.2020

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2020年 10月 28号 星期三 晴

Dear Diary, been trying to have lesser screen time these few days. Abit overwhelmed with all the bombardment of information, WhatsApp and Telegram replies and exchanges. It hasn't been easy coming from a generation where pen writing used to be our primary mode of communication. I remembered when I was in secondary school, we used to use dial up modem and I am blessed enough where my parents were able to afford me and elder sister a computer. I remembered those days where I started to learn computer applications via this school called Informatics and floppy disks systems were used. I marveled over the state of technologies we had but interestingly I am never into IT. Guess it explains why I am into creative Arts as one of my mediums of emotion ventilation. My eyesight suffered through these years of onscreen time and lately I have been using my eye power for data entry.... and made a hell lots of mistakes due to my Presbyopia. Gosh! A sign of old age. 

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2020年 10月 30号 星期五 晴

Dear Diary, the month of October marks a new beginning for me. Went for my psychiatric consultation and Dr Yap gave me a choice to either to keep my consultations as an open appointment or to be discharged from her consultations. An open appointment would meant I can still return to her within 2 years as and when situation arises i.e. relapse. I pondered for a few seconds and I choose the latter. The moment I stepped out for her consultation room, I felt a sense of liberation. As Y had accurately put it "free bird". Yes. I did like to see it as a major milestone "on my journey of psychiatric recovery in this DSM world".  I am finally set free from "the bondages" after a good 19 years. I told her my new exploration into Western Astrology and how birth chart has depicted who I am since birth. She listened to me non-judgementally and I am unsure if I have interpreted her correctly but she gave me a feel that she is open to a more eclectic approach in intervention. Dr Yap ended the session by saying "I am glad you have finally know and found yourself." That's the most powerful statement I have ever heard in 2020  from a professional who adhered to the DSM all her life. It also meant that she is still open to other ways of interpreting one's personality and character through "unconventional methodologies". Dr Yap has always been her all these years... still as patience, kind and open-minded unreservedly serving her profession. I am grateful she has always been there whenever I fell and picked up myself from the pit.... my wait was often almost 2hrs or more but I think there's the manpower crunch that their sector is seriously facing. A real challenge in our ecological system moving ahead. 

 

Anyway I browsed through an article which resonates at my life phase now. An excellent time to reflect over the weekend with these few questions.

 

https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/the-seasons-of-a-mans-life-the-mid-life-transition/

 

What have I done with my life?

 

Where am I now?

 

What do I really get from and give to my wife, children, friends, work, community, and self? 

 

What is it I truly want for myself and others?

 

What are my central values and how are they reflected in my life?

 

What are my greatest talents and how am I using (or wasting) them?

 

What have I done with my early Dream and what do I want with it now?

 

Can I live in a way that combines my current desires, values, and talents?

 

Of what value is my life to society, to other persons, and especially to myself?

 

How satisfactory is my present life structure — how suitable for the self, how viable in the world — and how shall I change it to provide a better basis for the future?

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 10月 31号 星期六 晴

Dear Diary, it was 6 years ago where this song somehow brought us closer. We listened, tried to sing and even have a comic strips on giving each other that "2mins grace". It was so explicit that even my contact of friends thought that we were already together but in fact we didn't. If I have an amnesia, I wish that F will be one of them to evoke my memories because he is one of my circle of friends that has left a deeper impression. It was definitely an affinity that we carried on our friendship after all these years to date. Though we have known each other for the close to 8 years, I knew so little about F i.e. date of birth and I just gotten to know of the month only this year. F can be blunt cum honest..... I like that because there are not many people in my life whom I respected that can give me feedback that I will choose to listen. Anyway recently I got to know one person who bear resemblance of him but younger. The facial features, the behaviour, their speech pattern are also similar. He reminded me on how we communicated when I and F first met and went out on a few dates together. What next? I don't know Diary. Let it be bah. 

 

Dear F, thank you for being in my life and all those fond memories, gave me the support I much needed back then and  all the honest replies when I asked you for feedbacks. I like it when there were moments where we will just bumped into each other on the streets and had an impromptu meals together. May our friendship continues "not just for that 2 mins" but till the end of life. 🙂 

 

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 11月 02号 星期一 晴

Dear Diary, a theme that had resounded over the weekend for me was "Forgive and move on". Of course, I can choose to bear grudges and dissociate myself from the situation or the person. However, often it can be very holistic exhaustive. Everyone of us has triggers and achilles heels but how can I look beyond all these and still move on with an appropriate dose of regulation? All the psychological defense mechanisms natured may not be helpful anymore I realised. Should life be just let go and let go? 随缘随意? Or should it be more deliberate? Having to "graduate from mental illness institution" allows me to be more appreciative despite the challenges I face daily. "The name engraved herein" has depicted it, despite after three decades, that emotions that were tagged along back then still lingered with the protagonists. I progressed when emotion maturity as I aged.... it comes with a certain steadfastness I guessed. Will I be reminiscing the past? Yes, I will, but will I allow the past to pull me down, yes momentarily but definitely I will have to pick myself up again. Perhaps, that is the reason why there are new people and circumstances I encountered.... a chain and whirl effect? I don't know but as an old saying goes "Let nature takes it course". The universe is always at work, people boarded and alighted from my life, be it acquaintances, friends, frenemy or enemies.... learn from it ET... good or bad... be wiser and more discerning as I lead my final two months of 2020. It may not be as rosy as it seems but at least I have survived the final lap. There will be tonnes of excitement that I am embarking on in the near future. So Diary, support me in this will you? 

 

Forgive and Forget

 

Forgive and forget

Will I ever be able to do that?

How much a threshold do I have

A mountain, a valley or a galaxy? 

 

To forgive a person is never easy

For alot of closures would be needed

Many left their predicaments unclose

Thus opening up many cans worms 

 

I have no answers to that seriously

I have my own issues to work on diligently

All I can say is to let time heal by itself

Let bygones be bygones

Avoid letting that unforgiveness overloom

 

Knowing that I am some how loved

I am on this earth for a purpose

To be a blessing or be a foe to others

It is a choice that I need to make 

one way or the other..... 

 

Grant me the discernment and wisdom

The peace when unforgiveness surfaces

For all men are born evil 

In this unpredictable and insane world....

 

ET

02.11.2020

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 11月 03号 星期二 晴

Dear Diary, feeling exhausted... work is getting more and more challenging each day but I did like to see it as a blessing because at least I know the management has finally pull up their socks in addressing the service gaps. My colleagues have been lamenting about fairness and injustice of their given work load, apparently tasks assigned are loop sided. In my heart I was thinking, there are really no fairness in this world to begin with, if i took on this perspective, work life will be just work and that's it, a means to earn the bacon back to my family, pay the bills and save up for rainy days. Anyway this job will only be temporary for me, glad that I have known a bunch of awesome colleagues who are trying to keep their spirit up at work.

 

Diary, yesterday was a day to remember, it was pouring heavily and prior to that dark thick clouds were looming over the sky akin "grey waves of tsunami". I wondered what's entailed behind this phenomenon, all I knew was I felt a sense of unrest yet there's peace in me, a 30% 70% maybe. There could be lots of explanations and interpretations behind this rare sight but i did like to choose to believe that there's always sunshine after the storm. Lo and behold it was bbq hot today. 😅😅😅 Anyway, another new chapter starts tommorrow and I will be attending a series of courses that i have been anticipating for the longest time. Good night Diary, i have to wake up super early tommorrow.

 

PS: Diary, attached the below to remind myself of my ikigai in order to stay afloat in my current job. 🥰🥰🥰

Screenshot_20200904-223918_Instagram.jpg

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2020年 11月 04号 星期三 冷 {{{(>_<)}}}

Dear Diary, the cool weather this morning was perfect to sleep in but I have to be on time for a course. Thankfully the entire journey was very smooth and managed to arrive on time. I reflected what I have listened and observed on the entire content, reflected on it and concluded two essentials for human connections- needs and values. Humans are connected because they provide one another the values that they need. Once the need is fulfilled and I no longer have the value, the relationship disconnected. 

 

When I was young, making friends have never been easy due to being the authority 

figure in the class. I was pretty lone ranger then yet I often took up the organiser role of organizing bbq for my classmates because those were the few moments I am able to interact with them in close proximity..... yes I rendered my service and was seemed valuable thus fulfil their needs. The most hurtful remark I once heard from my classmates were they suspected I overcharged them and kept the "profits". I failed to assert myself and let the matter rest without knowing that my reputation was since tarnished. Thankfully there was this female classmate who I was closed to who was a Guardian Angel (GA) to me, GA acted as a conduit between me and my classmates. We were classmates from Sec 1 to Sec 4 and our relationship is pretty robust, now she called me "old brother" 老哥。I wondered if I will be her puppy love if I choose to be straight back then. But I must have been confused to think of puppy love. Nonetheless, we still send each other birthday greetings since we are of the same zodiac. We rarely catch up in person and last year when I bumped onto her at a hawker centre, she gave me a hug. That was the first time I felt a sense of warmth and love from a female friend. I dun even hug my elder sister and here I have a god-sister... came up to me and gave me a big hug. Actually I was puzzled why she did that, was it because she learnt of my conditions in which I was pretty dodgy about it in the past, only to disclosed in my FB and she read about it? Diary, is it important? Nah. What's important was at least there is this one person, other than my parents and sibling who love me for whom I am. GA hug was so sincere and genuine. I cannot really say about the contacts, associates, aquantice, friends I met after my teenage years...the people I met befriended me because I provided them with value(s) that fulfilled their needs. And once their needs are satisfied, they will start to distance away. That's the reason why I said in the past that I have alot of non-closures in relationships and was unable to reconcile, I used to doubt myself, thinking that I am the sole problem but as times passes I finally accepted the fact that "it takes two hands to clap". To date, honestly, I no longer trust people anymore, the past experiences had made me realised that the only person I can trust is in myself. With that and the philosophy "All men are born evil" I can better reconciled and did many self closures that supported me in my graduation from Bipolar Disorder.

 

Dear GA- 老妹, thank you for the support and trust back then in secondary school. I am the happiest when I knew you gotten married and now with two lovely children. Do continue be the Guardian Angel and blessing to the other people, you have that gift. 😊

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