Jump to content
Male HQ

The Cloud Diary- 白云日记☁


amuse.ed

Recommended Posts

2019 12月 23日 晴

The weather for the past two days were rather erratic and my energy was at the lowest. Work piled up and I realized that its very challenging for me to multi-task. I am wondering what will happen once I am enlisted to NS, but then its definitely a good training ground for me to adapt to my work life in the future. Honestly, I am still very perturbed about what I dreamt, it was so vivid that its like me having to experience it. I decided to give myself a break from dad items for the past two nights as it can be very overwhelming for me to do his emotionally taxing and draining task concurrently while I was thinking of the dream. I stayed at home all by myself and switched off my smartphones most of the times other than surfing this forum. Wanted to embark the chatgroup but was too lazy to keep up with the conversation. Said hi and left shortly thereafter. In fact, I was tempted to pick up a cigarette and smoke my two nights through but somehow the side effects of the medications kept me at the bay and I wonder is it safe and sound in the first place for me to be in this state. Its the first day of 2nd lunar month and Ah Gong and Ah Ma left early for Waterloo Temple. I did not tell them what I dreamt neither did I reveal it to Auntie Bee. I need to walk this journey by myself and let nature takes it course. Liang left for Europe on Friday and I am glad that we still keep in touch via WhatsApp. Hope to learn something from Mr Lee tomorrow evening. Out of boredom, searched for songs that were in relation to the blue sky and cloud... a sanctuary that I wish to be at. Gona catch more sleep as I start another work week. Good night world!

 

 

藍天

作詞:於光彥

作曲:陳建寧/陳政卿 編曲:李伯傑

忽醒忽睡 我又掙扎了一夜 窗外透進 

幾絲光線

空盪的房間 留著你的照片

幸福的感覺 索然無味

無心唱歌 卻又撥斷琴弦

所有的事 留給明天

感情的善變 挖空心思遮掩

誰能用真心 說抱歉

 

我陷在愛裡面 漸漸疲憊的臉

彷彿是退不出 又走不進你的世界

我陷在愛裡面 

是誰停住時間

越過了重重的心牆 有一整片藍天

 

無心唱歌 卻又撥斷琴弦

所有的事 留給明天

感情的善變 

挖空心思遮掩 誰能用真心說抱歉

 

我陷在愛裡面 

漸漸疲憊的臉 彷彿是退不出 

又走不進你的世界 我陷在愛裡面 

是誰停住時間 越過了重重的心牆

有一整片藍天

就陷在愛裡面 一張無辜的臉

彷彿是退不出 又走不進你的世界

我陷在愛裡面 

誰停住了時間 越過了重重的心牆 

有一整片藍天 越過了重重的心牆 

有一整片藍天

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 663
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

2019 12月 24日 晴

The seniors are so gaga over this Taiwan series "History3" and most love how this song was interjected into the story line. The lyrics are very meaningful imho. Missing you dad, regardless of which sexual orientation you belongs to. Hope you can reconcile with who yourself soon and come home to reunite with all of us. 

 

最想见到你
作词:白安
作曲:白安
编曲:白安、钟永祥

这世界 有太多的遗憾 有太多的困难
让我们害怕 拥抱后失去的惆怅
可是我 望着你的时候 我不想再退缩
快乐或难过 每一秒我都想把握
想要你陪我走 找寻更多感动

就让我们好好的在一起
别去猜想未来会有多少风雨
谁都说不准明天是怎样的天气
只知道醒来 最想见到你

就让我们好好的在一起
我们都曾在爱情里迷失自己
我的呼吸里有你给我的勇气
只知道未来 最想见到你

别急着要证明
我们之间 不存在任何 复杂的语言
比起热烈 我更想慢慢
用你熟悉的方式 爱你

就让我们好好的在一起
别去猜想未来会有多少风雨
谁都说不准明天是怎样的天气
只知道醒来 最想见到你

就让我们好好的在一起
我们都曾在爱情里迷失自己
我的呼吸里有你给我的勇气
只知道未来 最想见到你
最想见到你

这世界 有太多的遗憾 有太多的困难
让我们害怕 拥抱后失去的惆怅
可是我 望着你的时候 我不想再退缩
快乐或难过 每一秒我都想把握

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2019 12月 24日 冷风

Just ended Zoom vid call with Mr Lee. I told him about my dream. He replied by asking me to draw inference from the nature and Universe. He asked me who created time? Why Taiwan and Tianjin evening started from 4.30pm onwards whereas Singapore don't seem to have an issue with that? That sets me thinking. Mr Lee added that timezone was created in 1878 by Canadian Sir Sandford Fleming and Mankind has followed since, and if there's no timezone drawn then what will happen to us? He further prompted to do a research on the three dimension space 三度空间Besides what he has pointed out on my last dream wrt to Mr B, he did like me to explore the parallel universe as well. Wow! Besides IFS by Shaun I have two other subject matter to explore. Mr Lee sure has an answer imo, he wanted to me do my research and explore further so to gain more in depth understanding. This sounded like a quest. Will definitely do my readings on this 2 topics. As Mr Lee said the truth vs fact ultimately lead me to the answer to my dreans and will set me free from the inability to let go of my dad MIA episode. Hmmm..... what strange comment he made, sounded like he knew what had happened to dad. I didn't asked Mr Lee further because I had a hunch that he is not going to share with me anyway. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2019年 12月 26日  

 

Had insomnia after Monday despite of my medications. Simply could not understand where Mr Lee was coming from, I tried researching on the two topics given by him but as I read them, the two topics just didn't resonated. Am I in a time travel situation now or whom someone out there that has similar situation as mine as the time travels parallel and what does it going to do with my dream? And what did Mr Lee mean by "the inability to let go of my dad MIA" episode? More questions up in my head. My life stressors now, interestingly didn't come from the part-time work that I am doing but via this irresponsible father who choose to walk out of my life. Pretty stressed now, Dr Yap has always reminded me to take things one at a time. Though I am homosexual but I have autonomy of a male and most men find multitasking challenging. She was right, I think its better for me to cast aside what Mr Lee mentioned and focus on my work instead. Going to see her soon next month, hope I can have a reduction of the medications that was prescribed. Anyway, its pointless brooding over dad at this moment. Perhaps I should continue where I have left on the topic of IFS that Shaun mentioned. Liang and I still whatsapp periodically, as it was of different time zones but we will still make an effort to communicate with each other and I really appreciated that. Ah Gong woke up early just now to prepare breakfast, ok better get my butt off to work. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2019年 12月 27日  

Its coming to the end of the month, time really flies, as I was typing this in the train. I saw a few people still wearing the face mask. Will this be a new standard to the future Singapore? In the past I hardly get to see people wearing mask despite of illness (I am one of them) but now this social responsibility seems to have heightened up. Anyway, it seems like this COVID19 is just another flu akin H1N1 and MERS, the observation I made was this "people instill fear on other people". The traditional and social media has thrown the epidemic to another spectrum which was not felt for other epidemics, was it because it involved in China once again? But then why at this season? These were the questions discussed during lunch breaks by the seniors. I would just sit and listen quietly, trying to follow and absorb the content of their conversation while thinking of what has happened for the past few days. I asked my seniors what do they think about dreams? All of them don't seemed to be interested, I guessed they are at a different phase of life now. The world, society and family matters revolved them for this season. Anyway I am still enjoying the data entry job in which I have gain proficient with. The ladies spoke of KC again, apparently KC wasn't on any social media or there were pics of him (not even in the company website) and all I knew was he was on a backpacking trip, same as Liang, Liang and I haven't been texting each other, I guessed if he wish to talk he will whatsapp me, anyway I will not wish to impose him as well. Just imagine, someone kept whatsapping you on a holiday trip. Haha. Its been awhile since I met Chris, Den and Leonard. This coming Saturday, its theme night "Air Crew Night" at OUT bar, wanting to go but have to refrain myself from drinking more alcohol because of my medications. Daxn it but I guessed a mocktail won't do any harm isn't it? Haha!

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2019年 12月 28号 热

On my way home on board the train after TGIF Happy Hour with the seniors. Again the same ktv place with darts and what not. Seniors said that I could hold alcohol well for a 19yo and told me to watch out and train physically before my BMT starts. Little did they knew that I am assigned to a non combat unit, I kept quiet and smiled. Again straights are just straights, they started to brag about their NS days and how tough it was, they gotten too carried away and started to sing the road march songs over the mic. It was hilarious. There was this senior, from another department at the upper floor that caught my attention YB.... quiet and reserved, YB knew that I am proficient in my Excel and wow news did spread in office, no secrets, I gave an awkward smile and divert the topic to his NS days. YB said that he was a regular in the police force. He told me about days where he still enjoyed his three shifts work before it became 12hrs shift and the transition to the Neighbourhood Police Centre. I made a quick calculation and he could be of same batch as dad.... and to my astonishment it was but of different land divison. He added that I didn't look like my age and could easily passed off as someone of his peers. Errrh.... I wonder if I should be happy for his comments, as much as I wish to mature fast but hey I am still 19. Anyway, YB resigned after his contract and this current job is his 2nd career. Wow! Meaning that he has worked 20 over years on this company and I asked why wasn't he at the top management level? He told me that if I have observed well enough the middle to top management are mainly the new citizens. And there was always this thing about bell curve in any appraisal akin like our education system. And often the top management will have to decide who will be the top 3 to 5%. As he spoke, he downed more alcohol, I believed that is his Achilles heel. I immediately changed topic and started to talk about the possibilities of me assigning to a non combat unit. He listened and nodded but turned less conversational. Inside me I was like opps shouldn't have blurted that question. Anyway, no point crying over split milk. Ok a gentle reminder that I drank again and no medication for me tonight. Wonder if I will see Ah Ma note pad on my door reminding me to take my medications. Glad that it's weekend and still contemplating if I should go Outbar tommorrow night. Den and Chris don't drink so perhaps I will be all alone again. Let's see how. And tomorrow is the 29th its leap year apparently. I wonder if there will be any significant event that will happen tommorrow.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2019年 12月 29号 热

Found this song in the midst of Dad YouTube song list. The first MTV was published in 2013, 7 yrs ago. Dad would be 34yo, dad seems to love Cantonese evergreens. I did a background check of this song and it was a new rendition by this female singer of a 1983 song by the late 陈百强 who passed on 27yrs ago. If I interpreted the song correctly, it could depict a forbidden love that has to turn to a liking between two people??

 

偏偏喜欢你

作词:郑国江
作曲:陈百强
编曲:Andy Bautista

愁绪挥不去 苦闷散不去 为何我心一片空虚
感情已失去 一切都失去 满腔恨愁不可消除

为何你的嘴里 总是那一句 为何我的心不会死
明白到爱失去 一切都不对 我又为何偏偏喜欢你

爱意是负累 相爱似受罪 心底如今满苦泪
旧日情如醉 此际怕再追 偏偏痴心想见你

为何我心分秒想着过去 为何你一点都不记起
情义已失去 恩爱都失去 我却为何偏偏喜欢你

爱意是负累 相爱似受罪 心底如今满苦泪
旧日情如醉 此刻怕再追 偏偏痴心想见你

为何我心分秒想着过去 为何你一点都不记起
情义已失去 恩爱都失去 我却为何偏偏喜欢你
情义已失去 恩爱都失去 我却为何偏偏喜欢你

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 2月 29号 晴

Decided to stay home and further run through dad stuff. Ah Ma came to my room and sat by me for awhile. She looked at me in an intense manner. I wanted to ask her more about what was Ah Gong mumbling the other day but the sight of her look once again halted me from asking. She left my room after reminding me that its 闰年 leap year and asked did I manage to recall anything that took place four years ago, she seemed more relieved after I said no. Anyway found this in one of dad's online diary written in leap year 2008. Something must had happened that year.

 

歉年

2000歉年。。。你走了

临走前。。。
你用那一贯式的委婉
想弥补你所谓的相逢恨晚
你惊天动地说天时地利
天灾人祸是种恶性循环的魔力


你走了。。。
我无法抹掉 你那下的毒药
你醉意的微笑 仍然让我心跳
加减乘除 数不尽的方程式
都是那隐隐作痛的煎熬

你走后。。。

情定已送往无奈遭罢黜

有如冰雨打万箭穿心坊

停当远离你 停当不想你

情义已仙逝 忘怀确难捱

 

2008年 2月 29号

 

Oh! btw, I personally feel that the 1983 version of 偏偏喜欢你 is much nicer. 

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 3月 1号 晴

Time flies. It's the first day of March. Auntie Bee transferred a sum of money to me (from dad) and texted me to spend wisely. Till now, I never understand why dad left us in the first place and why all the adults are leaving me guessing what can happened to dad in the past. All I know that there are boxes for me to explore. I am getting tired of all these. I drank quite a fair bit with Uncle Sam at the coffeeshop today. He advised me to better stay single, it seemed like he has his own family issues as well. I didn't probed, because I felt that if he would to share what he need to share. There were regrets but at the same time he has two sons that he can count on. Uncle Sam drank quite alot tonight, and said that he is happy to see me as I have MIA for awhile. We spoke about the current affairs and politics, its quite insightful to hear from a man in his 60s pertaining about his pov on Singapore politics. Not forgetting the recent drama at Malaysia. He emphasized that a man must have power and authority that can superseded wealth but i thought isn't having wealth can potentially buy the authority and power? He said that with power and authority you can have wealth but not otherwise. Well he been there done that perhaps he is a triad leader as there were younger ones who greeted him at the coffeeshop who called him 老大 (leader). Anyway he never fail to impress me with his words. Liang didn't reply to my WhatsApp which i feel its understandable. Leonard and I messaged for awhile, he is getting on well. He forwarded me 2 youtube links from History3 that I find it interesting. Is he trying to hint me on something? What are the reasons behind him sending this two links to me? I am baffled, dairy can you tell me why?

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 3月 2号 晴

Was almost late for work this morning, insomnia again because was thinking about the two links Leonard sent last night. I didn't asked him why the two links werr forwarded to me but this morning I cheekily reply him with this link yet there is no reply from him until now. Anyway I will try not to read too much into it. History3 seems to be a must watch. Let me see how can I get hold of the series free link site and watch it over this weekend. Yawn sleepy now, glad that I have my kopi o kosong as I typed. 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 3月 3 

John came by and looked for me just now asking about excel applications. He came too close to my comfort I feel, his face was literally near mine and his started to be touchy to the extend that I need to retreat, sensing my awkwardness, he retreated. He asked me for lunch in which I declined. Hmmm.... what's happening here? Perhaps he is too lonely at the upper floor? He could have just used the internal communication app to ask me those simple questions. In the end, he finally cited his primary objective, whispered into my ears that he is going to the gents and asked if I wish to follow him. Instinctively, I said yes and he brought me to the executive toilet, the rest was history. I believed you know what happened diary, we were both horny and fulfilled our desires in the most satisfying stance. I decided to rest at the staff welfare corner since the seniors ordered in. My first office sex encounter with the most unexpected person in the office. Gosh! What had gotten into me? A sense of guilt over loomed me yet its thrilling and set my adrenaline pumping. A quirky feeling......our morals had somehow been engulfed by both our inner burning desires.

 

@2300hrs Insomnia night again. Found this in dad YouTube playlist. Yes.... dad definitely is a gay. Things are clearer now. Leonard texted that he went to watch a play on depression and love how the playwright did an excellent job in conveying the message on mental illness. I was thinking.... so? You have one bro here with Bipolar disorder.... can swing to mania and down to depression like a sine wave. Anyway no mood to reply him tonight. Super xianzzzzzz. 

 

黄宥杰

伤爱罪

作词:十方
作曲:方文良
编曲:Wave-G

亲爱的你贵姓 我已不认识你
站在面前却疏离 遥不可及
眼睛嘴巴是你 声音动作也像你
可惜心却换了心 隐藏的很用力

生活像一个监狱 关系像一种酷刑
最初那些美丽 怎么变得面目狰狞

两个 伤了爱情的罪犯
毁掉对方 疼爱自己的模样
谁绑架谁的梦想 谁偷走谁的喜欢
这荒唐竞技场 爱逃到多远的地方

伤了爱情的罪犯
烧掉对方 幸福快乐的天堂
放肆应该怎么放 果断又该怎么断
你已经不一样 我举手投降等著分离 宣判

眼睛嘴巴是你 声音动作也像你
明明陌生的可以 却装的很熟悉

两块冰如何取暖 两团火如何交谈
只剩下怎么办 在我眼底疯狂乱窜

两个 伤了爱情的罪犯
毁掉对方 疼爱自己的模样
谁绑架谁的梦想 谁偷走谁的喜欢
这荒唐竞技场 爱逃到多远的地方

伤了爱情的罪犯
烧掉对方 幸福快乐的天堂
放肆应该怎么放 果断又该怎么断
你已经不一样 我举手投降等著分离 宣判

看不见的伤原来最痛
它不流血却更加折磨
你想说 我想说 一开口
天寒地冻

两个 伤了爱情的罪犯
毁掉对方 疼爱自己的模样
谁绑架谁的梦想 谁偷走谁的喜欢
这荒唐竞技场 爱逃到最远的地方

伤了爱情的罪犯
烧掉对方 幸福快乐的天堂
放肆应该怎么放 果断又该怎么断
你已经不一样 我举手投降等著分离 宣判

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 3月 6 

I am home early tonight, no more TGIF nights for me at this moment as need to be disciplined with my medication management. John as much as he came swift and fast to me that day, he walked hastily out of the lift whenever we were in the same lift....  NSA as they called it akin visiting the sauna, everyone has an agenda, once the need is fulfill off you go. The adrenaline rushed was real but I must acknowledged that he belonged to the upper level, the senior management whereas me as junior staff, an outlet to satisfy his pleasures,  I guessed we both satisfied our primal needs back then and I do not think I need to give a profile of who he is here.

 

Leonard and I spoke in great length last night, he was perturbed on some matters but he wouldn't wish to divulge much to me. I confronted him on the YouTube clips that he sent and he said that he wants me to know that despite of what had happened, they are people who will still loved me, the two clips were a message of hope. Yes, but one of the couple of HIStory3 lost his partner to a car accident, so where is that hope? Leonard replied that the hope is in everyone of us. Though, there were gloomy days but there is always a choice to be a happier person by not indulging too much on negativity and challenges. Hmmm...  i guessed he was reinforcing it to himself as he advised me. He sounded weak over the phone, though I never hear him speak cheerfully but I know him as a steady and stable senior that I can role modeled after. Well I wished him well in whatever situation he might be in now. Den and Chris seemed to have disappeared. The groupchat was pretty quiet. Well its the end of first week of March and the appointment with Dr Yap was rescheduled to end March so meanwhile I have to collect medication to get by another two weeks. I did like to suggest to her that I did like to wean off my medications, hopefully she will agree to it. Ah Gong and Ah Ma went out and as I was typing this, still contemplating on what to eat for dinner. Nasi Lemak perhaps?  

 

@2210hrs Another poem by dad. He emphasized on someone who has a 5 months memory. looked like dad may have been hurt by this person. 

 

人生的起起落落

他不懂你的隐忧
他毕竟不是神童

更不是你肚子里的蛔虫
但他可以感应得到你的

忧心忡忡

你说很久没爱上一个人
只怕动了情 违背了父母之意
你的没勇气叠得令他喘不过气
这样的关系好比酒精

喝多了会令人上瘾
无法承受那预知的过去

他只有五个月的记忆

他可以选择不提笔
不把你的涟漪写在日记
好让你可以在他世界上消失
消失得毫无足迹

你的路过不是巧合

你在车站等着什么
等那无言以对的爱情
还是等着那过去所爱的人
是时候上车了

还是你从来没想过要上车?

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 3月 8 

Spent my evening along Changi Beach yesterday. Realized that the planes no longer flew over the vicinity with close proximity. Apparently they reconstructed to build more sea walls along the coastlines and there are more seating areas by the beach. Changi Beach is one of my favorite, I love staying in the East because it has four beaches East Coast, Pasir Ris, Changi, Tanah Merah. dad wrote in his diary that Ah Gong and Ah Ma used to bring him to these beaches to enjoy moments of quiet and tranquility. He used to scream out loudly to de-stressed when the planes flew over his head but now it seemed like there were no more planes that "I can scream out loud to". I knew there were few topics I should followed up with Shaun and Mr Lee but I have been procrastinating. Perhaps, I should not have been bothered by all these phenomenon and dream. Life is short and any reasons for me to brood over such issues? How would all these research benefit me? Will it bring Mr B back or guide Leonard in his challenges? I rather focus my energy on my writings-something that I have been always doing regularly, Mr Lee also advised me to seek for mentor-ship over my passion and interest. I think is time to find someone who can mentor me on my song lyrics writings? I believed there were professionals out there who loves to take this task so long there are earnings. Money makes the world revolves and I learn recently from my seniors that there could be a retrenchment exercise to some of the full-time staff due to the recent COVID19 outbreak and poor economic outlook. The part-timers are safe for now because we are deem more affordable. Its International Women Day- Have an awesome Sunday Ladies and last but not least thanks Ah Ma, Auntie Bee for bringing me up and late mum who brought me into this world. Will spend some time watching History3 later in the afternoon. 

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 3月 9 

Everyone in the office was so solemn today. A few of the seniors were given the golden handshake and cleared their work station over the weekend. I was assigned to one of their work stations and I finally got a cubicle that has privacy. John dropped by hinting on me but I told him that I have work to clear, he left and said to meet after work. I declined and told him that I did like to stop what we did. John persisted, he said that he can get a hotel room without any identification checks, as much as I am horny and it sounded tempting, i declined.  John left and I received a call from YB asking me if i like my new cubicle. Apparently he was the new who assigned and planned operationally. I thanked him and he asked me out for lunch. As I am typing this, I am waiting for him, wondering any reason for him to ask me out for lunch. Anyway, I am going to just return him a favour and since he was an ex police officer, he won't do anything to me right? Or perhaps it's another indecent proposal? The seniors asked me if I am joining them for lunch but when I told them that I am meeting YB, they gave me a very surprise look. YB has never ask anyone of them out before. One of the seniors said that perhaps YB wish to learn more on excel from me since I am proficient in that. Let's see how it goes bah.  

 

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020 3月 10 

YB and I spoke in great length about dad yesterday at lunch. He showed me a squad photo with him and dad in the same picture, dad stood at the corner. They didn't spoke much during the 6mths training and were posted to a different land division back then. But he remembered dad as someone who was quiet and reserved. He told me that he did heard of a fellow police officer who met a road accident the year that I was born but it was a police landrover accident along PIE from the west to the land divison that dad worked at, I was baffled and asked if he has more information on the accident. He said he could find out more and I told him what had happened to dad who has since gone MIA as long as I could remembered. YB said that everyone of us needed space, a space that distance us from some people, situation or circumstances. This is the flight stance and he hypothesized that dad could have been stressed out with alot of issues. I held back when I almost reveal what I have found out from dad pile of items. The possibility that dad could be a gay and the fact that he knew of someone who has only 5 months memory. There were long silence at the end of the lunch session. YB ended off by "affirming me" that there is an uncannily resemblance between me and dad. And he sensed dad's attitude in me. I wonder if I should be happy on his comments because he wasn't the only one who said that. Anyway, everyone seems to talk about "space" lately. One of my seniors also spoke of two of his friends who needed space from each other. What constitutes space exactly? I asked in the main forum two days ago and the chat seemed to die of natural death. I guessed it could be anchill heels for many people out there. Something that is much desired and necessary when they are stress out. 

 

Space (edited)

 

Space is to follow one's pace
The vacuum that depicts how far away
It will struck a chord to those who can resonates
in which I embrace dearly in my case
 
Relationships are often two ways and heartfelt 
But when one feels that they are standing on an alp
Perhaps is time to let go and be least hard up
Hard up of wanting to make this relationship work somehow
 
Space, a necessary evil much needed for some
Will the relationship improves thereafter or disintegrated into smaller pieces
I seriously have no idea
All I knew is once trust is broken 
There are often no returns
 
Why am I hijacked by this theme
It seems like the world choose to believe

Space is much needed between two heartfelt people
To work through things in hope time may heal those feelings of pains and run away

 

ET 10.03.2020

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020 3月 11 

The Z monster sets in after lunch, YB WhatsApp me citing that he has more information of dad but due to its sensitivity he couldn't reveal much over the text, he asked if I will be free this coming weekend and he did like me to visit a place. Hmmm..... any reasons for him to be so secretive? I replied pressing him the purposes, he didn't replied thereafter. What should I do now? It's interesting that all these happened, it seemed like alot of circumstances were pre arranged. Was it the law of attractions (LOA) as in my yearning in wanting to know more about what had happened to dad? Alot of issues were unexplained by logically thinking in fact. I can only submit myself to what take place as the clock minute ticked. Den and Chris are making their transitions soon, I felt quite left out..... still stuck and waiting to be enlisted yet happy for both of them. Though we have not been in touch for the past weeks, the connection is still there. Chris will be moving on to a new work arena. Den waiting to be enrolled in August, I will be enlisted by then. Perhaps the dream is no longer important. Most critically is for me to focus on my work and maybe it would earn myself a good testimonial from the employer. My seniors were all on their toes as some of them had been given the golden handshake. The office is quieter now, no one seems to have the mood to speak. I can only hide in my cubicle here typing this away. Anyway, new task upcoming and this time round I will be helping John with his administrative matters. Part timers are like that being pushed around, taking this opportunity to learn something new especially with someone that "I need to have space with".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 3月12号 晴

I just received email that I will be transferred to the upper floor from next Monday. Will be standing in as a personal assistant PA for John since his PA will be on a maternity leave soon. Everyone in the office is surprised by the staff movement and any reason for this 19 yo part timer to move up. Not everyone has the access to the upper floor and has the opportunity to meet the higher management. But again it's more of saving cost and besides it will be just a stand in till my last day in June. YB congratulated me and said we can both have lunch more often but I was like...🤦‍♂️ Wonder any reasons for me to write the below mentioned but just feel like writing it while travelling to work today. 

 

操纵者 (Manipulator)

 

你那操纵手法如此熟练
我相信还会有人对你眷恋
眷恋你那傻傻绅士的笑脸
背后却藏着那卑鄙无耻的刀剑

 

你坚决说这世界是美丽的彩虹
但怎么你的言行举止却更像个迷宫
被你的言语困绑着

被你的行为揪心着 牵着走


你操控的 是人性的弱点
你伤痛人心 却无动于衷

你笑着说 我谎称什么
你把我推向 那无止境的山坡
把我悬挂在空中 
每天进行轰炸式的攻击

 

操纵者 你让我顿时无所遁形逃脱
操纵者 你让我再也不相信永恒 
操纵者 你让我不期待爱情宣言
操纵者 你让我无法入睡 辗转难眠

 

--- 12.03.2020

 

@1815hrs on my way home feeling so shitty. The ladies in the office started to question who am I to be up there where I don't even have a P.A background? I feel like telling them that I must start somewhat from somewhere. All I heard were sour comments. I meant the full timers earn more than the part timers so what are there to complain about??? I messaged Leonard and he reminded me to check with the HR and asked if its rightful for them to change my job scope since I am first referred via an employment agencies. And all HR could say was the job agency no longer need to be involved since mine is on a part time contractual basis and also based on company's "exigencies of needs" the current company has the right to change my job tasks. Leonard reminded me that I would have to double check with the employment agency once again and see if i could continue with a pay increment once my portfolio has changed. This was so troublesome. I rather be a data entry analytical clerk. Grrrr. 🤬🤬🤬

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 3月14号 晴

 

On board train now, anyway went to one of the KTV pubs last night along river, caught up with some alcohol and K-singing. The next thing I knew, I woke up at one of their back lane, my pants were half zipped. I felt a sharp pain in my ass and my body is sore, there was no one else at the back lane except for me. Gosh! What had happened, I looked around me and there was no one. I left the premise hurriedly, my personal items are in tact. The pain was still bearable and as I was typing this, I am trying to recall what had happened- I ordered a tower of beer, sang a few songs and that's it, the next thing I knew I woke up at the back lane. Anyway, I was terminated from the company within 24hrs, while I was busy liaising with the employment agency yesterday, the HR personnel came to my cubicle, a letter was handed over to me and as I read these keywords struck me "misconduct" and "undesirable behaviour". The HR personnel told me briefly that someone saw me entering the Executive Toilet with John and the surveillance camera had captured our movements prior to entry and its unnecessary for me to explain, I was told to pack my items and was escorted out of the office. Things happened too fast and everyone has left for their TGIF night out. I was removed from the WhatsApp group as well. I sat by the river after my dinner and took a few deep breathe. Alot of questions popped up in my mind, numerous 5 W, 1 H questions and many hypothesis surfaced. No one knew about this, I have to keep it to myself. In fact I felt a sense of relief and peace, thankfully i need not face John at that upper floor this coming Monday. That was the reason why I went to the ktv pub for that tower of beer in which sent me "to camp overnight along the back lane". Haha.

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 3月15号 晴

I slept through the day. Saw Ah Ma note reminder on my medications. Pretty sick and tired of it having to take those meds.... Benzol, Propranolol, Lorazepam, Sodium Valproate, Lithium Carbonate, Diazepam when will all these stops? I have to remind myself not to go to work tommorrow and anyway my salary will be wired transferred to me, payslip via email. I haven't told anyone about it. Not even my closed contacts, you are the only one that I can tell at this moment diary. Most FB and IG posts were on the red and fiery sky last evening. How come there's such phenomenon? Mum are you behind that sky looking down at me and my situation? Where is dad now? Some where out there in the clear blue sky? Its kinda of exhausting, kept asking myself why I followed John to that executive toilet without even thinking objectively? I was definitely blinded by my inner desire which is extremely unhealthy. Why did I get myself so drunk that I actually slumber behind the back lanes? What had gotten into me? Worst I couldn't even recalled what had happened. All I knew was when I excreted there's this sharp pain. What's going on? The pain is like the aftermath of something shafted into my ass. Gosh i better go take a nature walk to calm myself down. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 3月16号 晴

I dreamt again. This time round an old frail man squat at one dark corner. He was wet, cold and shivered. I approached him and brought him to a 3 storey house in which I believe it was his. Then there was a Caucasian in the living room, saw us entered and hurriedly, climbed up to the attic and alerted his two accomplices, by the time I reached, all of them escaped via the window, leaped across roofs and finally cycled away while laughing at me. I went down to the living room and the old skinny old man disappeared. And I woke up. I told Ah Gong and Ah Ma at the breakfast table, they looked at each other, amazed. Ah Gong said Qing Ming Festival is coming soon, the person I dreamt of could be "Tai Gong". Ah Ma then whispered to Ah Gong asking him if its the time. I looked curiously at this awkward old couple sat right in front of me. Ah Ma then switch the topic and finally she spoke of my overnight stints these few weeks and expressed her concerns citing that I have to be medicated regardless. Ah Gong nodded his head and next I received Auntie Bee WhatsApp text reminder. Okok I know but what then what was this dream all about? Was that really Tai Gong? Anyway back to my quest to discover dad's history.... I am getting sick and tired of all these. Anyway I told them that I am not going to work for the next two weeks because of the company need some part timers to go. They told me monies are sufficient and I need not go and work in fact. They need me to have discipline in my medication management. xianz

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 3月17号 晴

YB WhatsApp me and asked why I wasn't in the office yesterday. I just told him I have already tendered and I trust the HR will keep my termination private and confidential. He wasn't surprised at what had happened and ask me if I am still keen to meet up, I declined. Well I prefer to look through dad stuff on my own once I am ready, I will meet him up in due course. Ah Gong and Ah Ma prepared Qi Ming prayer items guessed they will be going to visit Tai Gong tomb soon. I volunteered and wanted to tag along but they declined citing that I should avoid attending such event. But isn't it a golden opportunity to meet my extended relatives? Ah Ma was adamant of me not attending she said my extended relatives will be going on a different date from them. Apparently, my Tai Grandparents were all buried under the soil. According to Ah Gong, he said that the forefathers prefer their body not to be burned and prefer ground burial. This is interesting, Singapore land is scare and most people will choose be cremated or most of no other choice. Anyway I won't barge my way through the elders because have their own set of beliefs and mindset hence its better as a junior to respect them. Frankly speaking, I am pretty lost now, the employment agency has yet to touch base with me. Its a bad time to travel as many countries impose travel restrictions. I think perhaps its a good time to re-visit my dad items. Liang has been quiet no message from him since the last time we WhatsApp. Everyone seems to be able to survive alone. Better read up what Mr Lee has told me to research on as well. I am quarter way through History3, this series will be one I would re watch towards my old age just to remind myself of the good old days. Live by the days is my life motto now. 

 

@2215hrs The HR called to inform that John was served home quarantine in the afternoon but there's no Covid19 viruses detected. One staff whom identified himself from one of the ministries called to confirm this as John cited that I was in close contact with him a few days ago. All i can say is WALAU why my life so happening??? In fact, I am having running nose, body ache and semi dry cough now. I can feel my body immunity battling things out and getting feverish as I am typing this in bed. I WhatsApp Ah Gong, Ah Ma and Auntie Bee. Feeling weak now.... mum are you trying to zap me out of this world? If so, pls do it quick.... in Spore we cannot be half dead as it will chalked up the costs of the medical bills. Dad as for you, never mind... nothing to text you now. i will visit the clinic if situation worsen. Time to bring out the surgical mask and be on screen saver mode. Good night diary. 

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020 3月18号 晴

As advised, I am now waiting at the clinic while typing this. The family GP I went to is systematic operationally, the nurses started to ask me a series of questions. Ok, the symptoms just arise yesterday and I informed them that I came in close contact with someone who is under home quarantine. Both nurses are calm and I was brought to a isolation corner. Home breakfast was tasteless as I have a stuffy nose. I told Ah Gong and Ah Ma to practise social distancing and keep our home ventilated so I will have to practice room quarantine. Haha. I guess some humour can help. To my best recollection Its been awhile since I am sick as well so why am I typing this? Because I have nothing better to do. Anyway, Liang has ghosted. I tried WhatsApp him thinking he might have returned from his trip but he must have blocked me. No thumb pic and as I cannot add him into group chat too. Oh well, what can I say? Not the first time anyway. 

 

@1625hrs Just woke up from taking the drowsy medications, the GP gave me 5 days MC and he said he could not confirmed if its a common flu or cold primarily because John was in close contact with another person who was contracted with Covid19. Anyway, I missed a private number call while I was sleeping, wonder who it was. Anyway, if its urgent, I believe the person will SMS or Whatsapp me. Shaun texted me and said he received news from Auntie Bee that I am unwell and wished me speedy recovery. News really spread fast among the "Christian camp". Well over at the "Free-thinker cum Guan Yin Ma" camp, Ah Ma reprimanded me for not being vigilant enough, treating the house like a hotel coming and leaving as and when I want to and I deserved to be sick. Ok! Ah Ma is definitely rubbing salt into my wound, I am already very weak and angry, the last thing I wanted to hear is for me to take good care of myself. Ah Ma harsh words often cuts through my heart and soul but I guessed that was how their generation communicated and its pretty challenging for them to change. I am wondering how my maternal Tai Gong and Tai Ma were like, they have definitely raise a daughter who has an iron fist. I always think that if Ah Ma would have to live in my generation, she will be a successful lawyer or someone from the law enforcement. I think that was the reason why dad decided to sign on to the police force, perhaps to fulfill Ah Ma's dream? Well can sensed Ah Ma is on a foul mood mode today, better not disturb her.  

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Came across this song from dad YouTube song list. Simple yet meaningful. Has always envy people with blood brothers, someone that I will never have. The song was produced in 2009, 11yrs ago.

 

《哥哥》是一首写给兄弟的歌曲,将手足亲情在温暖的旋律中娓娓道来。可能每个人心中都有一个哥哥,都能在《哥哥》的聆听中找到自己或他人的影子,兄弟情是不拘于血缘关系的精神依靠和情感寄托,每个人的成长道路上,可能都会遇到过这样的人,他或许给予你无私的关爱,或许帮你分担忧愁,或许和你共同经历困苦而不离不弃。哥哥,是一种情怀,是我们内心对情感的召唤,是一个坚强的背影,是一双有力的臂膀,是跌倒时的扶持,是温暖的力量。[2"""

哥哥
作词:王平久
作曲:常石磊

哥 从小我一直问你
为什么你是哥我是弟
哥 你总是那样严厉
为什么爱我 从不放弃

哥 在风雨中看见你
为什么你始终没泪滴
哥 我要和你站在一起
我知道你也没大力气

你说你是哥哥我是弟
你要为我遮风挡住雨
再难的路也要在一起
一心找到人生的路基

我有你这哥哥在心里
我也为你遮风挡住雨
想说的话永远说不清
手足的情 兄弟的心

哥 在风雨中看见你
为什么你始终没泪滴
哥 我要和你站在一起
我知道你也没大力气

你说你是哥哥我是弟
你要为我遮风挡住雨
再难的路也要在一起
一心找到人生的路基

我有你这哥哥在心里
我也为你遮风挡住雨
想说的话永远说不清
手足的情 兄弟的心

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020 3月 20号 晴

 

Yesterday was terrible. Though there was no fever but I am so lethargic that I slept almost for the entire day. My body is sore, coughing with phlegm, a bit of running nose and some gastro issues. As I was typing this, my nose is still stuffy and coughing causes sharp pain in my throat.I did not take any the doctor's medication as I have more than enough of medications to consume. So Ah Ma agreed for me to go the natural way since I have to other commitments that required me to recover fast. Ah Gong prepared light meals and fruits so that I could eat light and absorb more Vit C. Thankfully I slept soundly for the past two nights and woke up early feeling better to type this entry.  Mr B whatsapp me asking me how am I doing, again news spread, I guessed Leonard must have told him as I posted updates on my IG and FB walls. This Leonard must be super free these few weeks, got nothing better to do, why rock my boat? I didn't reply Mr B because I do not see a need to. Mr B had cowardly fall out from our friendship, and any reasons for me to still "entertain" him. Are all adults in the gay community are as such? So flippant and emotionally unstable? Sorry for being rude, diary, but all I feel that this community is all about "me, myself and I". I think I am one of them as well because these past entries were all about me. But at the age of 19yo, I think I am more emotionally mature than some of those mind-fuckers and emotion fuckers in the community. Those who know they belonged to the category yet choose to blatantly ignore it are simply hopeless. They seriously do not deserve any sincere friendship, they are toxic, the sight and sense of them just make me puke. After what had happened to me and Mr B, I think is important to draw boundaries by being assertive and saying no at the most appropriate moments.

Anyway, read one of the write up by dad on closures, as usual he was vague about what he wrote, I seriously do not understand the rationale of him writing so vaguely, I think his diary had a challenging time understanding him as well. Well, dad is too complex, who knows he could jolly well be a mind and emotion-fucker as well?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020 3月 20号 晴 2315hrs

Diary, my heart couldn't take another shock. Just recieved news from YB that John has passed on at home this evening. No details were given but definitely not from the Covid19 virus. Life is so fragile....dad where are you? I need you badly. This poem you wrote was undated, was it for mum or someone else you have missed dearly???

 

终结

一切都停滞了 就走到这里
无论那些年 走了 多长 多远
一切也都得画下句点
无论哪种关系 亲情 友情 爱情
都得要做个总结

 

当世人要个终结 
不是随心所欲地问
要哪儿个布局
因为终结不是一张买单的收据
需要解脱就要承担得起 
那五味杂陈的心情

 

时间已无法回到过去 
见了面也只能望着对方
尽情地互相 寒暄 
碰了面又如何 
难道还得要翻箱倒柜 
把那情感翻出新的一页

 

算了 只因为人已走远
唯一就只能 自寻那把钥匙
咬紧牙根 继续麻痹自己 
把那疗愈上锁 抚平伤口
别忘了 你也可能是他人的终结

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020 3月 21号 晴

I could not sleep last night, there were moments where my mind went blank, I stared at the ceiling and asked myself the rationale for our existences in this world. YB suggested I join my ex-office Telegram chat in which I did, the chatgroup was exceptionally quiet, I did not know how John behaved as a senior management to the rest of the staff in the office. All I know was there will be a three days funeral wake after the coroner has certified that there is no foul play involved.  The seniors were discussing in the Telegram on which day they will be there, I am still thinking if I should go, I Whatsapp Leonard asking for his opinions, he replied what stops me from going? Of course, Leonard did not know what had happened between me and John on that fateful day at the office executive toilet. Leonard candidly said that there will be more of these functions that I need to go as I grow older, might as well start early. My eyes literally rolled and diverted to ask him was he the one who informed Mr B about my ailment, he was caught off guard and mumbled that it was Mr B who asked how am I. Oh well, never mind I asked to satisfy by curiosity that's all, I should have known better since both of them are friends. I think Leonard and Mr B level of friendship is pretty shallow because of all people Mr B asked Leonard, it was about someone that he has chosen to end the relationship abruptly with. I am checking-in with my emotions, have I forgiven him? NO, dairy, I do not think I am magnanimous to do that as of now. Anyway, I will be not be able to go for John's wake as I am still on MC and still coughing. Hopefully I will get better and perhaps attend his cremation instead?

 

@1600hrs Just found out from my ex-seniors that John completed suicide by hanging himself on the neck, he was served a termination letter the following day after I left the company. I am speechless, never in my memory I have someone that had ended their life in such drastic way. What could be the trigger? Emotionally and psychologically what was John thinking back then? Diary, I might have a closer encounter with John once but deep down my heart I sensed that he was a nice person, though I might not spoke to him much back then but I could just sensed that he was. Most of the seniors will be at the funeral palour on Sunday, Tuesday will be the funeral procession, YB DM me that I can join on Tues morning, I didn't reply. Honestly speaking, I am wondering if I can regulate emotionally especially I am still in recovery. I learnt that from Telegram that John did not have much friends and he was from a small nucleus family so I will not be in a crowd. I have yet to overcome the shock and sorry I have to turn to you diary for this entry. 😞 Rest in peace, John. 

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020 3月 23号 晴

 

The adult world is really merciless, apparently I was re-invited to the TGIF chat group and the ex-seniors started to gossip the what not on John, citing that he is a gay, went around molesting the younger seniors and he was diagnosed with AIDS etc. One of the seniors even called John faggot and he deserved to be wasted to this world. So that was who John was as a person to all of them. Why rub salt onto wound when a person has already decided to leave this world in such drastic manner?  I decided not to partake in their conversations and as the exchanges within the group gotten more and more sizzling, I decided to exit the group and started to mull over if what they said was of truth, if it was, I may have contracted HIV as there was no protection or whatsoever during that very moment. No it would not happened to me, I mean with John's affluent status he could be on PREP or know better how to protect himself or perhaps that was the reason why he only go for young boys? Oh dear! What am I thinking diary? Alot of thoughts came to my mind and I was bombarded with so many unknown questions. Maybe by attending John's funeral procession tomorrow will allow me to know better how is his family dynamics like? Yes I think I will do that. On a lighter note, while nursing my respiratory symptoms,  I happened to stumbled on this Channel U time travel drama series dubbed in Mandarin, love the accompanied music and OST to it. Perhaps I can write a time travel story on...... who else but dad! 🤬

Love Destiny (Thai: บุพเพสันนิวาส; RTGSBupphesanniwat; IPA: [bùp.pʰeː.sǎn.ní.wâ:t]) is a Thai historical television series that originally aired on Channel 3 from February 21, to April 11, 2018. The series contains elements of romance, comedy and time travel.[1][2] Starring Ranee Campen and Thanavat Vatthanaputi, Love Destiny was a major hit in Thailand and gained popularity across Asia, contributing in a rise of tourists in filming locations.[3] Success factors were attributed to its elaborate screenplay, costumes, and locations.[4] The Lakorn, set in Ayutthaya Kingdom, during the reign of King Narai is an adaptation of the novel of the same name by Rompaeng, the penname of Chanyawi Somprida.[5] The novel got the Seven book award in 2010 and was adapted into a television drama for the first time in this series. The television adaptation was done by Broadcast Thai Television, script-written by Sanlaya and directed by Pawat Panangsiri.[6].

 

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020 3月 24号 冷{{{(>_<)}}}

The Thai show Love Destiny is fabulous, I managed to watch till episode 12. There were some scenes that the male lead and supporting roles were topless cannot imagine men were so well defined and toned in those days. Besides men, Thai history and traditional rituals were thoroughly explained as well..... infoedudrama.... 3 in 1. It's always refreshing to watch drama series of other countries, can learn their culture and communication styles.  I will meeting YB later at 10am. The procession will start at around 11am and end at around 3pm. I didn't tell Ah Gong and Ah Ma, they have always disapprove me to attend any weddings and funerals because something bad would often happen after I attended events as such since childhood. Anyway stumbled on this YouTube video that depicted a Taiwanese artist discovered his dad gay identity through an old video his dad shot in his younger days. The artist painstakingly took time and effort to document it down and set up an exhibition to showcase what he has discovered and how his dad navigated in the society back then with his gay identity. The yearnings of wanting to see my dad is getting more intense, diary. Will he be back soon?? Anyway, I better catch some sleep now. Good night diary. 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020 3月 25号 冷 {{{(>_<)}}}

 

Apparently there was no procession,  YB and I met at the Mandai crematorium, saw some ex-seniors there, John was considered one of the higher management so I guessed its right to attend his cremation during office hours? But all these people were the very ones that gossiped about him as well, one of the seniors asked me why I left the chat group, I gave him a smile and said nothing, in my mind I was OS-ing.... in fact I need not to be accountable to anyone in the office, I was terminated and there was nothing else that I should say to you guys isn't it? Perhaps that anger of being terminated was still there. One of the ladies from HR handed me an envelop citing that it was from John, the envelop still sits on my table as I was typing this and I wonder if I should open and read it. There were so many things that run through my mind and perhaps some of my questions would be answered after reading its content? Anyway I am more concerned on who I bumped into at the ceremony. It was Liang, yes I reckoned it is him, first was his back and then of course his facial and that height, he gave an eulogy and the way he spoke was akin to someone that is closed to John, could Liang be John's partner or just his best friend? I asked YB if he know how Liang was related to John, he gave me that familiar curious look , interesting, how come I find this curious look of his so familiar? Anyway,  I doubted Liang recognized me as I wore a surgical mask and stood a distance away from the crowd. I looked at my Whatsapp, Liang thumbnail pic was back again, meaning he had unblocked me. Should I say hi? Think I am just reading too much into things. Back to watch Love Destiny and History3 to declutter myself. Btw, can't believe all entertainment and pubs KTV will literally closed for one month. No more live music, ktv, dart and alcohol for the time being then. Xianz! 

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 3月 26号 晴

Since I am feeling better from my respiratory symptoms, I decided to took a walk out alone at my district central. It was almost like a ghost town and I knew where are all the people had gone to.... supermarkets!! The venue were all packed with people queuing for their essentials. Are we back to panic buying again? Honestly, ever since I had the symptoms nine days ago, I ever thought of if that is COVID19, I hope that I can contract the virus and be the first 19yo in Singapore to be zap out of this world. First three nights were terrible, I lost the sense of smell and taste, everything seemed so heavy. There were so many events happened just over a span of a few months and am I seriously ready for this harsh adult world?  In the past, as I could best remembered, Ah Gong and Ah Ma have been sheltering me from these kind of storms, ever since the day I knew that I am a gay and I confessed to them back in Nov 2019, things took a drastic turn, I could sensed my grandparents' and Auntie Bee's anxieties, wanting me to turn straight, wanting me pass on the lineage. Should I abide to their expectations? If I have to stay at Tianjin for awhile, would situation be different? I will definitely be caught in the Covid19 saga in China. Shaun and the rest of the brothers seemed not giving up, the only Whatsapp I received nowadays were from Shaun and some of them. Bible verses and messages were so prominent but somehow deep down, the connections are simply just not there.  All I can say is these unpleasantness would not had happened if I haven't wish to be true to myself. Mr B, Liang, John all boarded my bus and alighted. One last thing, seriously I do not know how to manage that John's envelope that was lying on my desk now. Should it continue be that white elephant in the room? Its a dead man last words and I have never encounter such situation to my best recollection. I knew that John would wish me to know something but can I manage his truth? This unease feeling lurking is super terrible. Another nice song in dad's Youtube playlist. Its resonated. 

 

大海

作词:陈大力
作曲:陈大力、陈秀男

从那遥远海边慢慢消失的妳
本来模糊的脸竟然渐渐清晰
想要说些什么又不知从何说起
只有把它放在心底

茫然走在海边看那潮来潮去
徒劳无功想把每朵浪花记清
想要说声爱妳却被吹散在风里
猛然回头妳在那里

如果大海能够唤回曾经的爱
就让我用一生等待
如果深情往事妳已不再留恋
就让它随风飘远
如果大海能够带走我的哀愁
就像带走每条河流
所有受过的伤 所有流过的泪
我的爱 请全部带走
 

 

 

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 3月 27号 晴

 

Liang and I whatsapped last night, we texted quite a fair bit. Liang explained that he has to shorten his Euro trip due to Covid19. Nothing was mentioned of him attending a funeral, the conversation revolved in the Euro trip and other what not. John was not mentioned at all, in my heart, I was asking myself "Is Liang in the state of denial? As Mr Lee once told me there's this stages of grief, perhaps Liang is still in the state of denial? I did like to ask him about John but I held back and thought that there is no point for me to ask isn't it? Maybe as time goes by, Liang will tell me more, anyway surfaced talks are important, it somehow help build the relationships at the beginning and allow people to know each other better. But as a INFJ, I dislikes all these small talks in fact, I prefer to be left alone, especially with what had happened for the past 4 months plus the demise of John. I mean why can't I be enlist with a peace of mind? I have around 3 months to go and now it feels like a century. Its worsen with the recent Covid19 pandemic. Anyway, I just read from the net that one of the ministers even weep at the parliament session as he thanked the front line professionals, so emo, maybe I tell him my life story he will cry more? Ah Gong said the other politician who weep who has left an impression was Lee Kuan Yew, Ah Gong said interestingly that politicians don't cry if they did it meant something else and he stopped there. When I asked Ah Gong what did he mean by that, he told me that I will understand when I grow older. Sigh adults always love to with hold the truth and leave things half hanging, can't I have the truth or just tell me what it was? I googled and managed to find the "weep" that Ah Gong told me, its always funny to see someone higher in power to show their raw emotions, political agenda maybe? I am 19 this year, by the time I can vote will be the next cycle. The adults seem to be non-chalant about this, Ah Ma said normally the "Ang Pow" given by the government will be more for that particular election year. Oh well, none of my business, since it doesn't affect me much anyway. And YES the letter is still lying on the desk and I am still deciding if I should open and read it. 

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 4 01号 晴 1100hrs

Hi readers,

Today's entry is not an April Fool prank. Since 11 Nov 2019, The Cloud Diary has been 70% fictitious. It was written extended from my real life experiences, just that it was plotted in such a way to facet the insecurities in me. In mid March, I reached a bottleneck and start to have trouble continuing writing this fictitious story. I messaged a few friends citing my challenges and one of them wrote,

 

[13/03, 22:01] xxx : I don't tell lies
[13/03, 22:01] xxx : In the first place it's not a good plot to make up stories.

 

His words strucked me and I mulled over what he said for the past five days. Finally the 41yo who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder for 19yrs had decided to tell the truth.........

---‐--------------‐--------------------------------------------------------

It took me awhile to consider if I should shared this part of my life with others. Honestly, in retrospect, my mental illness were extended from my deepest struggle with my sexual orientation in which I found out at the age of 12. During my primary school days, I was appointed as a class monitor for the entire 6yrs. Back then, though I am the authority figure in the class, I was verbally abused by my ex classmates, they would call me teacher's pet and other nick names. My schooling days were pretty lonely, I can only get along well with girls in the class and I have either estranged or distant relationships with the boys. I started to mesmerise over boys and experienced episodes of molestation by the same gender during my childhood. There were not much support socially and emotionally back then and I could only manage it on my own. Puberty was extremely challenging because these abuses continued in my secondary school days. My liking for males was masked in my pursuit of academic excellence. My first sexual encounter was after the O levels. The feelings of being attended by the same gender brought a sense of relief to me emotionally and sexually.


But deep down I knew that the societal norms wouldn't accept my "undesirable behaviours"
so I kept myself locked in the closet even after I was recruited into the law enforcement after graduation. Perhaps having to work as a police officer will kept undesirable behaviours (as the society has termed it) at the bay. I turned to tobacco and alcohol, numbing that adverse emotions. I even visited the prostitute once to prove that I am normal but the truth smacked on my face when I failed to complete the sexual intercourse with a female.

 

One of the turning points in my life was a road traffic accident I met in Nov 2000 that almost took his life. Though escaped death, I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Clinical Depression and my final diagnosis, Bipolar Disorder--- a mental condition characterised by extreme highs and lows in mood. My emotions took a turn for the worse, in fits of rage and hallucinations. As my condition was unstable, after assessments by my psychiatrist, it was recommended that I retired from the police force citing infirmity of mind as the primary reason. My close brush of death allowed me to come out of my closet. As concerned parents and sister, I was advised to attend reperative therapy, a psychotherapy that could potentially change a homosexual to hetrosexual. I attended individual and group therapies for a period of 4 years yet to no avail. To better understand myself holistically, I embarked myself on a journey of self exploration through social work and counselling in my early 20s. These learnings allow me to work through my life challenges and there were several moments I contemplated suicide. Thankfully, with immediate family support, professional consulting interventions, I managed to pull through these challenges. Deep down my heart, I knew that I can't change to what my family and the society call me to be. That was when I decided to fully come out of the closet at the age of 31. Coming out to the LGBTQ community came with another set of challenges that I need to navigate- on personal, relational and professional front. Imagine a homosexual with bipolar disorder and I have to conceal my true identities from extended relatives and prospective employers. During these 19 years of my mental health treatment, I attempted to wean off my medications twice and relapsed for both occasions that had disrupted my career in the Social Services. With every disruption, I would have to experience the similar challenges. The struggle to be who I truely am.

 

The breakthrough came only five years ago when I revived my passion for music and writing. I am very blessed to meet friends and professionals who are like minded and gave me consultations without any prejudices, this had help me weathered through the storms I experienced. Though some of my friendships and work relationships had suffered, I am more at peace with myself now and choose to believe that the universe will support me through the course as I navigate this current ecosystem that is least supportive to the LGBTQI community.


I left the social service sector full time in Nov 2018 to reflect if I should continue to contribute my skills and competency in the Social Service sector. Lo and behold after much deliberation with my mentors, I decided to explore work that is of similiar nature but indirect practise focusing on contemporary psychotherapies i.e. Arts, music and drama to reach out to people who are in need. I affirm my belief that one day we will be living in the society that will be least discriminating, focusing on individuals' strengths and respect one another for who they truely are and writing this diary via blowing wind platform is just the beginning. 

 

For readers who have touched base with me thus far thinking that I am a 19yo boy, my apologise that I may have withhold the truth. From now onwards, you will be reading my true thoughts, feelings and behaviours in the same format. I may not have time to write daily but I hope through my entries, we are able to learn on how we as a community can continue to strive to be our better version of ourselves while braving through the storms each of us will experience in some point in our life. 

 

Peace! 

 

--- amuse.ed

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 4 02号 晴 

There were so many things that ran through my mind nowadays (definitely not racing thoughts) and prioritizing them are very important. As an INFJ I am supposed to be meticulous and plan with the flow. However in Singapore I realise much things were prioritized according to the life practicality i.e. bread and butter issues. I left my last organisation in Nov 2018. Ar the age of 41, I am approaching my mid life crisis, standing at a crossroad, wondering if I should continue within my comfort zone. There were alot of self blaming initially, the fact the I spent ten over thousands to arrive where I am here today yet now thinking of possibly embarking another sector altogether.

 

On a brighter note, I somehow manage to psycho myself that these good 15 years was an enriching one, its always a privilege to listen to another person life story. There were so much life lessons to learn them, their resiliency and tenacity of not giving up in life. Every ex clients came with that kind of spirit with their unique predicaments, my mentor told me that there is no one cookie cutter interventions for clients. A man medicine could be another poison, so I always tell myself how can interventions have an impact and I concluded that it is always a collaborative effort between me with my client in which I shouldn't imposed on them. But often, client came with their own expectations, sourcing for a quick solution. Perhaps that is how Asians function, we are less reluctant to seek for professional help unless its mandatory by the authorities, most of my ex clients came under this category. Counselling is always a pre condition to something i.e. financial assistance, a more favourable report etc. Perhaps that is how the system works here. Who would wish to be counselled when one has other alternatives?

 

That's the struggle I had at the initial phase of my career, but now I viewed it differently. An effective therapeutic session need not be just by talking but it can be something else i.e. Arts Therapy, Psychodrama or even music whichever that can bring the person holistic well being to an equilibrium will be helpful imho. That is also the reason why I explored writing and music five years as my ikigai- the reason(s) why I wakes up every morning.  Ok gtg diary, going for a job briefing soon follow by an enrichment course that I embarked on using Skills Future credits, well I have 1500 credits to spend on so why not take this time to learn something that are transferable and useful for my future, talking about being practical. lol. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 4 03号 雨

 

It was rumor that there could be a possible lock down at Singapore for at least 2 to 3 weeks so that local transmission can be reduced and healthcare workers could take a breather.  They are also now debating if one should wear a mask to at least have the first line defense from the virus. I cannot speaks from the medical scientific pov but I can touch a bit on the psychological effect wearing a mask. I was down with respiratory symptoms  on the 18 March and I realized that I have ran out of masks, and I panic because of fear of transmitting it to my parents who are staying under one roof. I literally locked myself in the room prior to the GP consultation and only went out when both of them went to attend their morning routine. Thankfully, I managed to get one mask from the GP that I went. At that point in time, the GP strongly advised me to stay in my room and do not even try to walk around in the house without a mask. Yes, pointer 1 mask will protect any droplets from landing on surfaced that could be touched by my parents, and the fact that I was told to stay in my room is also an implicit way of telling me since mask is a scare commodity right now better stay in my room since the healthier ones were not wearing any. Wearing an appropriate surgical mask will certainly help in giving a sense of security and ensure that he or she could potentially be protected from the virus. Be it placebo effect or not, its always good to have something to cover my nose and mouth especially when I cough or sneeze. This is for cleanliness and hygiene purposes. When I was at Taiwan, the Taiwanese had the habit of wearing masks and I found out from my friend that its to avoid air pollutants and to be socially responsible to wear when one is unwell. Perhaps that was the reason why Taiwan has one of the lowest COVID19 transmission rate compared to the world base on their lifestyle habits. I am certainly an advocate for wearing mask if one is down with respiratory symptoms. For those who are well, give them a choice whether they wish to wear the mask a not, instead of blanketing.... telling the well ones don't wear. I believe there will be people out there who knew their body well enough and wise enough to know if they need a mask. If there are concerns of shortages or stockpiling, do a partial lock-down and regulate the situation. The rate we are going on now, a partial lock-down or a reboot akin what the Prof has mentioned in the below video can potentially take place. From 13:20 onward

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 4月 04号 热

 

理想
我们都在执著追求
追求那无形的什么
我们都有理想 不是吗

有些人 选择放弃离异
有些人和它靠得亲密
有些人选择忽远忽近

假如理想是片草原
它需土壤维生 肥料滋养
水来灌溉 阳光照射

杂草丛生 斩草除根 疾风劲草
草的形容词 怎么都是苦口良药
怎理想没把我教

我们离理想还有多远
没人知晓 连我都不知道
随意而安 活在当下 平安无事

可以是理想吗?

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 4月 05号 热

 

My salute to all scriptwriters, I have came to realize what a poor story teller I am. I recalled when I am stuck at the 19yo protagonist who may have contracted HIV after an undesirable act with his superior, I am lost, I sent a few versions on how I can continue the diary to some of my friends who knew.... Basically there were five versions: 

1. Dad attempted suicide.... survived. went into comatose. His partner narrated what had happened to dad.

2. Dad returns home share with son on his disappearances.

3. Dad completed suicide, his partner narrated to son what happened to dad in the past.

4. Dad has AIDS and was at his final stage. Son spent last moments with dad. upon dad passing on, dad partner appears and continues to render care to son.

5. The protagonist suffered from an mental illness with only five months memory. Son and father is the same person.

But I guessed the person (yah I know you are reading this 👨‍✈️) who questioned me on my integrity that pricked my consciences. I mean of course I could continue with what I have been writing but again it can be very taxing as I really do not see myself as a 19yo person with bipolar disorder anymore. Right from the start of writing this diary, I will have to imagine that I am the 19yo typing and I also believe that readers were getting more and more skeptical about the stories (though all were true accounts that I have experienced or heard of from my ex-clients). I am more like the dad in the story, wishing that I could MIA from his human ecological system that is least helpful for his personal development as a person. Anyway, I had a dream this morning, I dream of this two people who are very dear to me. Call them X and Y. X was my unrequited love and Y is someone who I have a crush on. In the dream, the setting was at a table reception, you know those settings where visitors signed on a reception book. Y stood there as X signed on the book and I woke up at that instant, it was at 7.00am. I quickly washed up and went to the coffeeshop and had my usual breakfast coffee trying to recall what took place prior to that.  Even as I am typing now, there was no recollection whatsoever, all I could recalled was their side profile X to his right and Y to his left, its clear that there was a table, a book and Y stood behind the table. I could not figure out their expressions as it was side view but Y stood with his hands at the back. My therapist from Taiwan did consulted me before on dreams. Let's do a recap:  

1) The past-- from my subconscious mind.. I often can't make sense of it because the incidences that took place in my previous lives and/or past incidences.

 

2) The present-- from my conscious mind....as a form compensation. Dream often compensate what was lost in reality. It could possibly gives me a closure.

 

3) The future--  my supposedly future responses. Dream is to activate my 逆向思维法 (adverse thinking) and allow me to 'prophesies' my future. It serves as protector and prempt my future so that I can take measures to prevent possible disasters. 

 

It seems more like no. 3 to me. The entire atmosphere was solemn. Could it be a funeral? If it is who funeral was that? I WhatsApp two of my closest confidant and thankfully they rendered their reading eyes, never fail to make me smile by cracking jokes in between. I am blessed.

 

For K and H, thank you for making my day by cracking all the jokes. And for Y.... yes I really hope you are the one who is behind that reception table because it showed that you are someone who is close to me... be it as a good elder brother who I look up to, you will always be someone special because your presence allow me to grow as a human, on a personal note or professionally.  

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 4月 07号 晴

Its Day 1 of Singapore's circuit breaker (partial lockdown). Non essential services were closed and the population are advise to try to stay at home. I did a self imposed stay home for most of the time when I had my respiratory symptoms during mid March. Thankfully there were still stuff to do back then and managed to clear my backlogs. Though not surprised that the government will implement this CB, still feel pretty unease over the fact that I have literally nothing to do at this moment so I tell myself keep to my usual rountine and devote my time into more reading and writing or even brush up on my culinary skills. My dad helm the kitchen so often I do not have much opportunities to spend time in the kitchen but now with him out at work in the day, I could try to whip out something. When I ask myself what should I cook for the day, my first instinct is to prepare my childhood comfort food and desserts. Thankfully most of the ingredients were already there as my parents have the habit of going to the wet market every weekend. Yes I stay with my parents, coming from a small nucleus family, I realised that its least economically viable to stay on my own. I have always treated my home as a hotel. My mum would always grumbled that I am not at home most of times. I guess that is how mum showed her concerns, would it make any differences if I moved out? Perhaps I will enjoy more freedom but knowing my parents, not unless I found someone they will still think that I am the little Ah Boy in their eyes. My parents knew of my sexual orientation 19yrs ago. My psychiatrist advised me to come out to them, my fourth and final heterosexual relationship almost landed me with a marriage certificate but I back out last minute. I told the lady that I couldn't promise that I could love her wholeheartedly.Though she said she hope to weather this challenge with me but I told her it will no longer be a challenge after I stepped out of the closet and she understood. I am very glad that she empathise with my situation and didn't pursue much thereafter. It was an amicable break off and we are dissociate from each other lives. In retrospect, I have never regretted that I came out officially at the age of 31, immersed myself into the community, know more like minded people, it definitely benefited my holistic well-being. As mentioned in my last testimonials, there were different set of challenges back then at the initial coming out, I am blessed to have met people who were kind enough to journey and guide me along. A decade of roller coaster ride and I am still learning, learning how to be a good son, brother and hopefully a partner to my future half. There were few hits and misses along my journey but nonetheless I am grateful to those who have accompanied me till now. The unpleasantness i.e. financial losses, mind and emotional manipulations were all life lessons that I need to learn. Some will say is karma but I take it as precious lessons that I have to experience so that I will be able to be a more empathic person and derive with this philosophy of all men are born evil but are all trying to do good, including me, as we mature. It thus allow me to understand human behaviours in greater spectrum, my horizons are broaden and I am definitely stronger than I am before. A few days ago, one of my friend sent me a pic of his hometown, as I looked at that evening sky it propel me to write this poem. Diary, you may regard this as a love poem but I am seeing it as anyone who wish to know this person better, reach out to him, holding his hands and journey this route together regardless of which form of relationship it is. 

 

拉扯

 

是什么让你如此冷漠
还是对你了解还不够多
我感应到你过往的伤痛
是你为自己涂上的保护膜
我难以言喻 难以捉摸

 

情爱 悲喜 善恶
就像拉扯着的拔河
结核杆菌入侵 透不过气
每个人都有不同的机遇
是岁月蹉跎了我们

还是我们选择不放手

 

我无法说能同理你些什么
只希望你能幸福快乐地过
空间与时间的交错
让生活的步伐停顿着

多么痛的领悟 人为的可耻

应该会有随风而逝的时候

 

如果你能够让我牵着你的手
携手并肩学习突破自我
那你我的人生就会截然不同
松开紧握的拳头 牵着我的手
让我们走出那世间的枷锁

 

--- 柚子 

31.03.2020

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 4月 11号 晴

 

"Disclaimer: I am least an expert, still learning and not here to preach. The objective of sharing is to ensure that one's life challenges will be of a less road traveled for themselves and/or for their loved ones."

 

Day 5 of CB, how time flies. These four months has been pretty emotional taxing especially because I am bombarded with mostly negative news i.e. Covid19, recessions etc. There were frustrations against tonnes of matters as well. How our govt are least competent in managing this crisis and what not.  All had been said and I think most Singaporeans will know what to do when they approach the voting box on election day. Nonetheless with all these aside, I have another 23 less days to go, I am asking myself what should my routine be? I have cleared my backlog whilst the 9 days self-imposed stay home period and all items were Marie Kondon-ed during CNY, so besides having to wake up at between 5am to 7am nowadays, breakfast, out and about for a few puffs, there was literally nothing much to do. Kept asking myself for the past few weeks, should I seized this opportunity to quit smoking? Experts said that it will take 21 to 30 days to form a new habit and lifestyle, I could jolly do that now, but doubted I can, as besides having to break this habit, it has to be SUSTAINABLE as well. This is what I have learnt over the years in regards to an undesirable habit. I am not seeing it as an addiction because this behavior has yet to have an adverse effect or disrupted my lifestyle, I can light up the cigarettes as and when I want to. Basically I am in control (some may call it in denial, haha). This is an overview of what I see of my situation.......

 

Everyone of us has an or several undesirable habit(s) that we wish to call it quit, it can come in any forms and shapes or even sizes i.e. negative thoughts, tobacco, alcohol. I have always asked myself since my dad was a habitual gambler back then any reasons for me not to be in his gambling habit cycle? This daunted upon me for awhile as I ventured into studies of counselling, social work and psychology. And I am a firm believer of the fact that its genetically related. Having to stay under one roof with them for the past 41yr, these traits could be picked up by either role modeling or inborn.  I have more of my mum's traits in terms of temperament, persona-- the intrinsic part of myself. For my learning styles and competencies, I have more of my dad's traits  i.e. culinary skills, inclination to music and how I often have to handover my monies for my mum safekeeping etc.  So why not a habitual gambler, I hypothesized that there was this irks against people who gambled in general because I have traumatic experiences in relation and extended from the consequences of gambling. I recalled when I was young and loansharks were there at my door-step literally every night to ask for my dad repayment, they created a din and my mum had to bring my sister and me to the void deck most of the nights so that its safer for us instead of locking us in the house, who knows what loan sharks can do to us? My parents often ended up in big fight because of that as well, hence, it comes with alot banging and throwing of things. Growing up has never been easy, extended relatives and ex-class mates thought that I am from a healthy and blissful home but in fact if you have to copy and paste then to now, what I experienced was abuse after abuse and its not only physical but also emotional, psychological and mental. Why am I mentioning all these? Because undesirable habits has its affiliation with bad traumatic experiences, the unpleasantness in my past formed a void that I needed to fill or worse numb. The void filling or numbing could be in the form of a substance or behaviour, so its understanding when people said that its tough for them to stop because all these provide quick relieve and either adrenaline or dopamine high.

 

Imho, importantly is to first accept that I have this void to be filled and this form habit(s) will be part of life somehow that I need to experienced. Wise is to never resist because the more I resist, the worse it will become. I will also give myself time and space to be ready and willing and ask whether am I just a visitor, complainant to this issues or I seriously have to desire to change my habit to a much more healthier ones. Looks like I am in between complainant and desire to change phase, that puts me at the pre-contemplation stage of wanting to change. Again I have to ask myself what would be a change to me? If its a 180 degrees change how will it look like? For me, perhaps I will count the number of cigarettes I took per day or the money that I have saved to serve as a motivation factor. However, all these are extrinsic, these are not the permanent solution. What I need is something sustainable that its of something intrinsic, to fill that void in me, and how will this void be filled?  Human interrelationships are vital here, like it a not no man is an island, even if I am an introvert I need to form relationships with other humans. What forms a relationship? Love.  And in my earlier post there is a segment on types of love and 8 were highlighted. I found this link of the author lonerwolf pretty insightful.

 

8 Different Types of Love According to the Ancient Greeks

https://lonerwolf.com/different-types-of-love/

 

Article on Stages of Changes of Addiction. 

https://psychcentral.com/lib/stages-of-change/

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 4月 12号 晴

 

I dreamt again, its X, there was this sense of unrest when I woke up, its 5am in the morning. His face appeared and there wasn't any synopsis or scene whatsoever.  There was a Chinese saying "the more you think of that person in the day, the more you will dream of him at night." Strangely I have been thinking of Y all these while but yet I dreamt of X. Isn't that an irony? Anyway, a little background of how I got to know Y. I met Y in Feb 2012 at an event, messaged him on the same night and he replied two days after. We kept in touch periodically and perhaps Y may not know that whenever I am down, I would chat with him and he will always replied at that precised moment. There was a few years gap where I decided to leave the community for awhile and Y was in a midst of a transition , somehow he was there as well for me reading all my rattlings. From the bottom of my heart, I sincerely have to thank Y for being there. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Y has showed me that authentic friendships need not to be in frequent contact but the connection will still be there after many years. After which K and H came into my life and the three of us shared this unbreakable friendships though there were some circuit breakers here and there but I believe these were all storms that we need to ride through to better foster our friendship. So I have not answered to myself why I dreamt of X this morning? All I wish for is X to be well and at peace. And for Y? I have never stop thinking of Y's well-being, if you are reading this, kindly take care of yourself and I know you are busy, do not wish to disturb you with my messages.

 

Recently, alot of people have been reprising to this Dec 2012 song. And it gave me goosebumps because it may well-described my past with X and current situation with Y. Chilling......

 

 

林宥嘉

浪费

作词:陈信延
作曲:郑楠
编曲:张晁毓

多久了 我都没变
爱妳这回事 整整六年
妳最好 做好准备
我没有打算 停止一切

想说我没有志愿
也没有事情好消遣
有一个人能去爱 多珍贵

没关系妳也不用给我机会
反正我还有一生可以浪费
我就是剩这么一点点倔 称得上 我的优点

没关系妳也不用对我惭愧
也许我根本喜欢被妳浪费
随便妳今天拼命爱上谁 我都会 坦然面对
即使要我跟妳再耗个十年 无所谓

妳和他 没有如愿
短短半年内 开始分裂
我的爱 依旧没变
连我自己都 对我钦佩

有的是很多资源
我有的是很多时间
不去爱才是浪费 多不对

没关系妳也不用给我机会
反正我还有一生可以浪费
我就是剩这么一点点倔 称得上 我的优点

没关系妳也不用对我惭愧
也许我根本喜欢被妳浪费
就算我再去努力爱上谁 到头来 也是白费
不如永远跟妳耗 来得快乐 对不对

 

 

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

2020年 5月 13号 阴

 

Research has shown that it takes 66 days to form a new habit. And here I am on the my half way mark of the 66th. I had been spending alot of time on screen previously and definitely its unhealthy for a person of my age. Hence I tell myself it's time to cut down my screen time and do more physical exercises. Think I somehow had succeeded. This CB period allows my holistic well being to take another good breather. Work pace is definitely much slower and wasn't in line with what I have planned in Dec 2019. With the current pandemic, I guessed it will take some time for things to resume and evolve. Though I have a good 14 months break from full time work, the additional few months more will be a time for me to interact with my parents more. Yes, I am still staying with my parents, I do have opportunities to move out to stay independently but nothing beats taking care of my parents in times like this, as they grow older, ailments started to surface. So having to stay under one roof allow us to give support to one another especially when my family nucleus is small. I observed that dietary is an important aspect and when I am not home for meals, they will start to eat unhealthy food and be least active. So in one way of the other, I am the gatekeeper to their health. Its a win win, I am mindful of staying healthy and so do they. 

 

Staying together with my parents at this age has posed few challenges, one of which was having my relatives to question why am I still lurking at my parent's place, unmarried. Usually I will brush them off, my parents used to think that its an issue but the LGBTQI movement at Taiwan has made them more aware of who and why am I a gay. I remembered asking my mum years ago would she prefer a son with bipolar disorder or a son who is a gay. She replied she just wish for her son to be happy and content with his life and himself. I am touched but of course on and off she and dad will still test water if I am ok to settle down and start a family by creating opportunities via match making. Yes! Match making. 🙄 Perhaps its not about my sexual identity anymore but more of any reason for me not to get a lady who understand my challenges yet willing to bear me a child. Yes....  as a converted Christian back then, I met one Christian lady who was willing to accept me for who I am and we almost ROM but I retracted. The parting was amicable but we have lost touch since. It has been a good 10yrs now and so how many 66 days has passed? Approximately 55. Hmmm is that how Taiwan boyband 5566 was formed? 😅😅😅

 

An article on habit formulation if it gain one's interest. 

https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/science/how-long-habit

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 5月 16号 晴

 

So how many days is really needed to form a habit or quit it 31 days or 66 days? Again these research papers and concepts are heavily sponsored by whoever that has the loudest voice so my take is this so long as it works be it 40 days or 90 days just go for it. The worst thing that could ever happened that we are all living in a world where others set a standard for us and we have to blindly follow them. Guessed that is what is happening here in Singapore. All have been said all these years about her, its always a love and hate relationship between me and Singapore. But again I cannot have best things of best worlds isn't it? So for me its all about how I regulate and monitor my holistic well-being living in a state where people still pasted labels on one another e.g. sexual orientation, mental illness, AIDS etc. This is the consequence that we need to pay for living in a fast developed country. Often I hope to hit that equilibrium but find it getting tougher and tougher. All my life, alot of divination told me that I have nothing to worry about in terms of my basic livelihood in which it has been consistent all these years. My most expensive form of entertainment is KTV-ing and social drinking, I am a simple person who is least brand-conscious, I dressed simply, eat at hawker centers and takes public transport. Frankly speaking when I first stepped into the working world at the age of 12 I had seen people who went fanatic on brands, I met ex-colleagues who only drink Evian water.... wore Rolex (yes, I am that old fashioned) and choose LVs as their apparels. My parents have a pair of Rolex couple watch and that was all they had all these years... back in those days, it was a form of reward for them after all those hardships that I feel it was well deserving. Guessed I have emulate them somehow in terms of the lifestyle apparel choices in which I appreciated it as my strength.

 

Back then when I first came out to the community, my failed unrequited love X and I had lost contact primarily because I have decided to take a breather from Christian community for awhile. He was still in the ex-church where we first met him, he was busy with his career and still very much into Christianity, consecrating and honoring God for not be involved into those "undesirable lifestyle". That was when I met my first date, an expat who I am with for two months. He literally managed to solicit money from me and later I found out that he gambled the monies away, I cannot imagine that as a social service professional, I have perpetuated this gambling habits or addictions of his. To make things worst, he was already married with two children and when I stumbled his photo at his place he told me it was his sister , a divorcee, niece and nephews.  As their physical intimacy wasn't there I did not gave much attention. Not until when one of my friends saw him at the two local casinos then I realized that I have been blinded all these while. A foolish me even bought a birthday cake and waited for him at one of the casinos just to be ignored by him. I never confronted him knowing what has happened thinking naively that he may change if there were love showered upon him. The ultimatum was when he borrowed the final thousands from me and confessed that he was already married. I am 31 or 32 years old back then, still fresh into the PLU community, thinking that I may have found someone finally to settle down for good, an expat, an avid cyclist, swimmer, someone who was unassuming quiet type, love going to nature and beaches and would screamed over planes that zoom past above his head, the typical Asian man. We have since lost touched, I could have asked him to return all the monies he owned but in the end I didn't..... don't ask me why but as I reflected, perhaps the happiest memories I had in all my relationships, was with him. A few years later after we broke up, I bumped into him at one of the shopping malls and the first statement he made " Hei! You have bloated" and rode off in his bicycle  just as how I first met him.  Anyway he became fair and put on more weight as well and I have never seen him since then. So I do agree that love is blind and somehow will make some people lose their judgement. 

 

So when will I be able to quit this habitual of love.....31, 66 or never? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 5月 18号 晴

 

Two more weeks to go until the end of CB. In the midst of the CB, one local news caught my attention, a 38yo man was stabbed by a 20yo while jogging along deserted place, wee hours at night. He passed on in the hospital thereafter. As I read the profile of the assailant, memories returned, moments of my "mania" and "depressed" episodes. Strictly speaking, I have only one episode of mania. After all these years I made sense that it was all the accumulative pent up frustrations that I had in me with life back then. I started to get violent, threw and shouted at my loved ones, I was told that I was threw into a padded ward and was injected due to my enormous violence. This followed by me feeling depressed over what had happened, the out of the norm me. Its like an incredible hulk only for that short period of time. There was another incident that was the determinant but I would rather see it as I was induced by a cocktail of medication back then, thankfully I was hospitalized if not I could have been send to prison for the act that I have done. My psychiatrist would never share with me any reasons for her and her team to diagnose me with Bipolar Disorder back then but I guessed it was for my safety and safety of others. There was a period of time I blamed my psychiatrist for putting me into this state, I have never get to fulfill my reservist and that posed a challenge on my job applications and interview. That was back then a struggle with whether to disclose my mental illnesses to my prospective employers. It took the government almost two decades to remove that ONE question from the job application form in which I have been advocating for the Nth years. Sometimes I really marveled how the macrosystem of our human ecological systems tend to have that slowest mindset and attitude towards mental health. Back to the local news, perhaps things could have been different if the 38yo survives but since he has succumb to injuries, it will be escalated to a maximum sentencing of capital punishment. As the news reported that the 20yo mother stated that he has mental problem, for which it seems never diagnosed, I wish for him to get a proper treatment during this period of time and may he get a fair trial ultimately as well. 

 

Have been busy fulfilling my work obligations for the past few days, Y is busy and from what I know of him thus far, he has been a person that would fulfill his tasks responsibly. Besides I was already told that he did like a partner who is highly independent and a man of few words. In fact our last dinner meet up was after my China work stint in Jan 2020, after which, the COVID19 situation intensified and we now would just whatsapp each other periodically. I do not know at which stage of relationship am I now with him but I believe that all things will fall into places if its predestine. Just like how the Thai drama Love Destiny had plotted, though it was a fictitious story but if reincarnation is of true, then there is this one person that will be destined to be with me, isn't it? In the show, the protagonist couple love lifeline lasted for 300 yrs, and the female lead husband past life love soul was actually embedded into the psychical body of her current love admirer who he turned into a monk to pledge his love for her after she passed on in an accident. This has also allow her to accumulated good karma to travel back in time to meet her true love. Hmmm.... do we call that a parallel universe? After watching the final episode last night, I asked myself "if there is this one person whom I am willing to consecrate myself (akin lifestyle of a monk), pledging my love for him, who will that be?"  Perhaps the litmus test of love is to observe and assess upon myself how much sacrifices I am willing to make for this particular person. And as much as I claim that I love this person, am I willing to give up romantic love relationship even if the person was not meant for me and has left me for whatever reasons? In the past I revealed to K and H that I am willing to wait for X till I am 55yrs old, but lo and behold the universe had showed me that X was seriously not meant for me. In retrospect, I am being foolish for still wanting to hang on to X but moving on I hope to be wiser and more discerning. I believe both Y and I are giving each other the time and space to let things evolves by itself, I think the ultimatum is when Y said let's just be good friends /soul mate/ brothers in which I am well contented as well. So does it mean my love for him wasn't strong enough? Well, I would see it that the greatest love of all is to know that the person will be as blissful in whatever situation or whoever he is with.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 5月 20号 雨

It poured this morning, what an excellent weather to hibernate myself under the blanket. Good news that CB will be relax in phases as announced yesterday. I know that my lifestyle will definitely be different after this period of CB. The crave for alcohol has eliminate by itself, I have not touch a single drop of alcohol for the longest time. 66 days they said but the gradual lift of CB will be at the 55th day. There is no fuss about it, life still carries on bearing in mind that I have triumphed over being alcohol free for the past two months is more than enough. How many of us can proudly say that? In fact I should start to mourn the loss of that alcohol part in me. My maternal family are mostly drinkers, I have rarely see my paternal family drink since I am distant from them in the first place. I am thus pretty convinced by the bio-psycho-social model, there will be individuals who are pre- disposed to certain habit or addiction genetically and via exposures. This CB is a classic experience on how one can break that habit / addiction within 55 days.

 

Next question, how about sex? I came across this article that depicted what happened after there is no sex over a prolonged duration. I personally find it interesting, looks like we are all wired to fulfill our sexual needs. It was once argued that is sex a human primal need? According to Maslow's Hierarchy of needs, some articles has omitted this, perhaps due to its sensitivity. Imho, all of us need sex and sex is beautiful but how to execute it and to which level is subjective. For some, masturbation is suffice, for some hugs and heavy petting will do the trick, for others, insertion is needed, for the rest it can escalate to SM. I am really impressed by how mankind define and act upon this word sex. This 3 letter words has given many a solace and an outlet to be bodily expressive and a conduit to perhaps expressed their most intrinsic feelings. 

 

My first sexual encounter was through molestation, i was 12 yo, my PSLE year and he boy was perhaps 15 to 16 yo, carrying a Biology textbook and showed me the man autonomy in one of the pages. He has a foulscap paper back then and i still remembered the school logo, it was one from of the local prestigious schools. I have never been taught sex education back then yet, out of curiosity I followed him and that's when the act started. I wonder how he is now, he should be in his mid 40s and what if one day I reunite with him? Opps have I mentioned this in my previous entry? Seriously I have forgotten but this experience at 12yo was one of the significant milestones in my life. If I have the opportunity to turn back the clock, I hope to be taught on good and bad touch as early as in my preschool. Technology has advanced as such that alot of children are exposed to certain materials that may not be appropriate for them. The curiosity of wanting to try out will definitely be there, so early intervention is necessary. For the rest of my life, prior to coming out, I have never bedded my girlfriends, the most was we held hands that's all. My real sexual encounter at age of 21 or 22, it was with a female prostitute (protected sex of course) and it was so unpleasant. I can't even climax and the next question she asked after 20mins "Sir you want some more? $50" I declined and exited almost immediately. The most sensual experience I had started after O levels which I am not going into details and since I am the giving end, it was quite an ecstasy experience. There's more and will share more with you Diary where appropriate. 

 

Today is 20th of May. 520. this string of numbers rhymes with Wo Ai Ni..... I love you in Chinese. Wishing all lovers, a blissful and loving doving day. I forwarded this to Y and received an interesting reply.

 

Hahaha. He is "seriously" so cute isn't he?

 

The article that prompted me to write my entry today. https://www.webmd.com/sex/ss/slideshow-effects-stop-sex

 

Screenshot_20200520-102936_WhatsApp.jpg

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/23/2020 at 10:21 AM, amuse.ed said:

2020 3月 23号 晴

 

The adult world is really merciless, apparently I was re-invited to the TGIF chat group and the ex-seniors started to gossip the what not on John, citing that he is a gay, went around molesting the younger seniors and he was diagnosed with AIDS etc. One of the seniors even called John faggot and he deserved to be wasted to this world. So that was who John was as a person to all of them. Why rub salt onto wound when a person has already decided to leave this world in such drastic manner?  I decided not to partake in their conversations and as the exchanges within the group gotten more and more sizzling, I decided to exit the group and started to mull over if what they said was of truth, if it was, I may have contracted HIV as there was no protection or whatsoever during that very moment. No it would not happened to me, I mean with John's affluent status he could be on PREP or know better how to protect himself or perhaps that was the reason why he only go for young boys? Oh dear! What am I thinking diary? Alot of thoughts came to my mind and I was bombarded with so many unknown questions. Maybe by attending John's funeral procession tomorrow will allow me to know better how is his family dynamics like? Yes I think I will do that. On a lighter note, while nursing my respiratory symptoms,  I happened to stumbled on this Channel U time travel drama series dubbed in Mandarin, love the accompanied music and OST to it. Perhaps I can write a time travel story on...... who else but dad! 🤬

Love Destiny (Thai: บุพเพสันนิวาส; RTGSBupphesanniwat; IPA: [bùp.pʰeː.sǎn.ní.wâ:t]) is a Thai historical television series that originally aired on Channel 3 from February 21, to April 11, 2018. The series contains elements of romance, comedy and time travel.[1][2] Starring Ranee Campen and Thanavat Vatthanaputi, Love Destiny was a major hit in Thailand and gained popularity across Asia, contributing in a rise of tourists in filming locations.[3] Success factors were attributed to its elaborate screenplay, costumes, and locations.[4] The Lakorn, set in Ayutthaya Kingdom, during the reign of King Narai is an adaptation of the novel of the same name by Rompaeng, the penname of Chanyawi Somprida.[5] The novel got the Seven book award in 2010 and was adapted into a television drama for the first time in this series. The television adaptation was done by Broadcast Thai Television, script-written by Sanlaya and directed by Pawat Panangsiri.[6].

 

 

 

Recently finished this Thai series, Love Destiny. Anyone watched too? What an interesting mixed plot of love, politics, history and time-travel fantasy! It really touches my heart. Hope the sequel will come soon. 

Be cool, like a breeze...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, Coolbriz said:

Recently finished this Thai series, Love Destiny. Anyone watched too? What an interesting mixed plot of love, politics, history and time-travel fantasy! It really touches my heart. Hope the sequel will come soon. 

 

Yes and if parallel universe is true as what was depicted by the scientists in recent research, the female protagonist experience can happen to anyone of us here too. The sequel I read thus far will involved the couple's sons. Looks like it will be another highly anticipating plot again. 😊

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, amuse.ed said:

 

Yes and if parallel universe is true as what was depicted by the scientists in recent research, the female protagonist experience can happen to anyone of us here too. The sequel I read thus far will involved the couple's sons. Looks like it will be another highly anticipating plot again. 😊

Ya, the part that saddens me the most is in episode 23 I think, where the truth is unveiled. Although looking at the bigger picture, she is sent back to that era with a purpose, it's sad to see her mother and grandma missing her so badly in her present life. The theme songs are beautiful and I even got hold of the OST from a friend 😊

Be cool, like a breeze...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 5月 23号 阴

 

Decisions Decisions Decisions these word kept harping on me for the past one week. Besides building on the momentum at work, I have to make certain decisions that will could possibly charter me to an alternate route. Nope I am not turning straight or bi to settle down but some career decisions that I need to make. For example, I enjoyed culinary but that doesn't mean that I can make it into a business to run that kind of situation. I listened to an audio book a few months that talked about Ikigai- the reason why I wake up every morning. There must be one or three things that kept me motivated in life, and imho I will see it as passion. There are some individuals who already have the resources to make it more efficient to pursue but for me I am neither here or there. Hence I am quite envy of people who could pursue their passion and making it as their livelihood simultaneously. Perhaps I have been sucked by my full time work sector for too long and lack of the zest back then only to pick them up months ago after I left my last work stint. This morning I had a dream, I was standing infront of the mirror and there were a cut on my right cheek and pus ooze out from it, forming a slimy tube and removed it almost immediately. I checked the online dream interpretation and it stated that "Pus in a dream is a symbol of trouble or loss.If you see pus coming out of the wound, it tells that the old resentments or long-standing conflict will soon appear again. However, if in a dream you see open abscess on your skin, it tells that some problem which was a burden for you for a long time will soon be resolved. Dreaming of pus in the wound portends possible illness. If you dream as if you remove pus - in upcoming future all your problems will be successfully resolved and you will find the answers to all questions. All these dreams I had thus far were amazing and it was apt for the circumstances that I am in. Perhaps being less worrisome is something I should be regulating but with emotion intensity built up over the weeks, this dream came at a time I knew all things will soon be over and I will choose to be wise and make that choose with higher level of discernment. Back to the state of busyness again.

 

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 5月 24号 阴

 

I reckoned that I dreamt  this morning but forgot the scenario that I am in, still trying to recall what took place but till now couldn't. It seemed like an over spill from last night after watching The MaMa White Snake by Wild Rice production. There was this segment when MaMa White Snake talked about the differences between affinity vs fate. Fate is meant for an individual but affinity is a relationship with someone else as conditioned in the past. Could there really be a previous life? My almost 10 years in Christianity inculcated otherwise, in fact, I was told back then to just follow the doctrine in the bible, something that was very different from my religion of origin, Taoist / Buddhism. I remembered praying to the different deities when I was much younger. The Heaven God, the Earth God, the God of Door, kitchen etc. And I was also the God son to Guan Yin at the Waterloo Street Temple as was told by my mother. We will always go to the Waterloo Street Temple and prayed almost every Sunday after she visited her beautician friend at the nearby retail malls. Life was much carefree back then, weekdays go to schools and weekends would be an outing with my mother's friend and their children. I have since lost touch with those childhood play mates there were just photos now to keep in memory, our affinity has been short-lived. The molester and my affinity was very briefed as well. Well, I wonder all these teachings on affinity was a form of consolation or compensation to oneself for the misfortunes that I have encountered but somehow there was this temporary relief and closure. Those unpleasant memories will still returned momentarily but now I have a better grasp on how to better manage and regulate my negative emotions towards those past situations. my ex-mentor called it compartmentalization, just like how I keep my cleaned laundry in my cabinets. Writing this word "Compartmentalization" repeatedly will definitely help me to gain more impression and reinforced the habit in the form of actions. Just as one online article depicts "Compartmentalization is not about being in denial; it’s about putting things where they belong and not letting them get in the way of the rest of your life. You can’t just ignore your issues and expect them to go away, but obsessing on them won’t help either." Nowadays, I will just compartmentalized my fond thoughts of Y.....思念是一種很玄的東西 如影隨行 with that I am at peace.

Edited by amuse.ed
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2020年 5月 26号 热

What is the definition of Soulmate in your life dictionary? I thought this song gave one of the many insights for some who may reply as such.  This song is a 2016 production, MTV was

beautifully shot in Japan. 

 

田馥甄

灵魂伴侣
作词:蓝小邪
作曲:郑楠
编曲:郑楠
制作人:郑楠
 

若你是一陣春天裡的風
If you were the gust of wind in the spring
那我一定是最遠的風箏
I must be the furthest kite
若你只是一道 某個弄堂緊鎖的門
If you were the locked door in some alley
我是門外的藤
I would be the vine outside the door

若你是難得一見的彩虹
If you were the rainbow that could only been seen by chance
我願做路人驚嘆的叫聲
I would like to be people’s exclamations
若你又是一顆 可望不可及的星辰
and if you were an unreachable star
我便是眺望眼神
I would be the eyesight gazing afar

然而你選擇做平凡的人
But you’ve chosen to be a normal person
於是我也就愛上你的人
so then I fell in love with this person
甘願我的靈魂 困在這個肉身
I would rather my soul be stranded in this body
只求能跟你相襯
to be paired with you

然而你已是最平凡的人
But you’re already the most normal person
看著多美好心卻那麼笨
It’s so good to just look
yet my heart is stupid
雙手和你碰過 肩膀和你擦過
I’ve touched your hands and brushed past your shoulders
靈魂卻無法相認
our souls still can’t recognize each other though

當你是不停追逐的秒針
Whilst you’re the constantly running second hand
我是你背後暗湧的齒輪
I would be the upsurging gear behind you
當你還是一滴 筆尖尚未乾透的藍
Whilst you’re the blue that is still wet on the tip of the pen
我是紙背上的痕
I would be the mark at the back of the paper

原來你選擇做平凡的人
So you choose to be a normal person
卻不是一個會愛我的人
but you’re still not the person that would love me
不管我的靈魂 困在哪個肉身
no matter which body my soul is stranded
都註定不會相襯
we’re doomed not to be paired

原來我已是個平凡的人
So I’m already a normal person
什麼都明白心卻那麼疼
I understand it all but my heart still aches a lot
和你談笑風生 和你談過心聲
I’ve enjoyed our chat so much and shared my true thoughts with you
靈魂卻不敢相認
Our souls yet lack the courage to recognize each other

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...