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2020年 5月 27号 阴

Back in my pri and sec school days, I am exposed to certain level of emotional and psychology bullying (in today context) though I am in a certain authority over my ex classmates. "Teacher's pet, carrying balls, beasts" were all remarks that were imposed on me. I have little choice but to swallow them. I am obviously unpopular back then that caused me to retract to my own bubble, I knew that all I need is to execute my responsibilities and tasks set by the teachers diligently.

 

I started to binge eat i.e. the fried chicken and koropok plus gado gado were my comfort food. I ate then so regularly that caused my weight to escalate and my BMI was at the most unhealthy range since age of 9yo. The heavy weight maintained throughout and the only best moment I had was my physical fitness performance while serving my stint in the police force. My best performance for IPPT 2.4km was at 9mins. I ran almost every night to maintain my health. I ballooned again after I left the force due to my ill disciplined for not exercising and the psychotic medications that I took in which cause weight gain due to my crave for carbo and sugar. My first try to cut off my medications was in my mid 20s, my weight dropped drastically and I managed to run 10km for marathons. Due to my part time degree course plus full time work, the psychological stressors returned, I had a relapse, went back to medications and weight ballooned again. I never like the overweight me so I negotiated with my psychiatrist to cut down my dosage, it did helped abit but my high blood pressure increases. Since then, I carried on my life with a minimum dosage till when I am in my early 30s and I decided to wean off my medications without consulting my psychiatrist for the second time. I remembered returning to my psychiatrist who was kind and most understanding towards my situation. I am glad to have her because she is always so non judgemental and empathetic. After much soul searching and some strategizing I decided to wean off my medications under the consultation of my psychiatrist. She supported it but said if I would to relapse the 3rd time, I will have my past dosage for life. This motivated me to keep myself holistic well being in check. I am moving towards my third year now and I have never look back since. I am extremely blessed to have my family, friends, faiths and professionals who have supported in my recovery journey. I will definitely look forward to many years without medications. Now its time to instill that discipline in me in bite sizes walking 10k steps daily is a good start. 😊

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Hey there, Just wanted you to know I've been reading your entries (currently still at pg.1🤗 Nov 2019) and I hope you do not give up in life, just stay strong because it may be stormy now but it can't rain forever! 😊 Looking forward to more from you !

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2020年 5月 28号 阴

The weather seems fine today. WhatsApp a friend yesterday and texted briefly about PLU growing old in Singapore. I recalled when I first step out of the closet 10yrs ago a senior questioned me "What if one day you grow old and no one is there for you at the funeral, are you going to pass on alone?" As someone who was counselling and social work trained, I see the significance behind what this senior had said. We are now entering into an era of aging population and I am wondering how have the seniors manage during their time or even now? The human ecological system in Singapore for LGBTI is definitely unhealthy imho. The macrosystem has already posed alot of challenges. The societal values, norms and definitions of Singapore families are still very traditional. Singapore legislation is another hurdle to cross. This pandemic had thus reinforce that the definition of families have to be change--- no longer it should be linked by blood or marriage but taking into considerations on how significant this person(s) is/are to the other person during his or her life time. This will take a mindset adjustments for many but if we don't start now when would it be?

To be continued......

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5 hours ago, RAHDE said:

Hey there, Just wanted you to know I've been reading your entries (currently still at pg.1🤗 Nov 2019) and I hope you do not give up in life, just stay strong because it may be stormy now but it can't rain forever! 😊 Looking forward to more from you !

 

Thanks RAHDE, I am doing fine and appreciate your time and effort in reading my diary. I hope the content resonates. My life challenges has been an uphill task but I strongly believe that there will be a day where I can finally enjoy the light at the end of the tunnel and the rainbow that I long to chase after. My best wishes to you. Cheerios! 😊😆🤗

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2020年 5月 29号 冷

 

Woke up at 5am and could not sleep, I reckoned I dreamt again but forgot what it was. Anyway, as stated in my yesterday entry on growing old in Singapore, it is worrying to read articles on affiliated healthcare issues such as this https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/health/sole-bid-for-dementia-village-rejected-as-15-million-price-offered-was-too-low-moh.

 

So how much is not consider low? Aren't the state supposed to provide affordable healthcare for citizens? If cost is really an issue then please refrain from developing it into the dementia village in the first place. Sell it to individuals who can jolly well afford that kind of housing. Imho, if healthcare cost is going to equate on how much is that land parcel then I doubted it will be wise for the government to do that. I watched a medical drama recently talking about the importance of not monetizing medical healthcare and the rule of the thumb is to always provide affordable healthcare services to the citizens. But if I look at the world now, one of the most lucrative sectors is the medical and pharmaceutical industry. Just look at how much is the non-standard medications nowadays. Not many can afford it unless it is heavily subsidized by the hospital funds. And we all know that in order to treat the ailment you will somehow need them. That is the reason why nowadays I am least incline to be medicated and go all natural with my daily diet and try to exercise daily wherever possible. Aging is something that one should look forward to and not something to be frown upon. It is sad to see old uncles and aunties having to work as a utensils collector or cleaning jobs in Singapore. They are supposed to be retiring and enjoy the final phase of their life, fruitfully, without any concerns and worries about bread and butter issues and yet they are still toiling. Sad.

 

Two aspects of aging, quality of care and life and dignified living, something that I really hope to attain when I am at my 55. And I will have 13 years more to enhance on it. What I meant was this how would singles LGBTQI like me survive in this harsh ecosystem in Singapore? At this juncture, I play the gatekeeper role to Pa and Ma holistic health ensuring that they will adhere to certain dietary and lifestyle choices as a remedial measures for physical and psychological well-being to further deteriorates (both of them have chronic issues). Just a few minutes ago, Pa told me that its Thursday today, I was stunned and corrected him that its Friday and this is definitely not the first time I observed. There bound to have challenges nonetheless and the in between, but as I read up on the literature on aging to support Pa and Ma, it will also assist me in knowing how am I going to age in the future. So its a win win situation. As an old saying goes "fail to plan, plan to fail" so better plan now if not I will have more regrets later.

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2020年 5月 30号 闷

I will tagged every significant relationship of mine with a song. My first one with that married man was 领悟. The second one would have to be the below mentioned song. I remembered this ex-date love to send me music files via WhatsApp, it could be recorded from somewhere as the background effect always sounded muffled. We shared common interest in music but it lasted for only two weeks. It ended almost immediately after I told him of my bipolar disorder condition. He just faded off from my life.  This song was sent to me prior to the disclosure. The last time I bumped into him was 2 yrs ago in a pub. We greeted each other briefly and toasted. He was with his partner and I am all alone.... even till now. Ok..... emo night.

 

陈洁仪

握住我的手

新加坡优频道电视剧'胜券在握'主题曲
作词:梁文福
作曲:梁伟丰
编曲:吴庆隆

怎样才能得到最后 多久才算最后
我放开全部的追求 只想陪着你走

因为失去 所以有了重来过的自由
关于珍惜我会懂

爱到要了所有赢了所有够不够
爱到忘了不能爱过头
如果拥有了 变成占有
那是离开的时候

爱到给了所有输了所有够不够
爱到看你快乐就足够
握住我的手 别问最后
好好握住生命最真的感动

 

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 5月 31号 闷热

 

There was a huge unknown wave of emotions that swept in last night out of no where (an on-going challenge with a Cancerian). My last entry went missing when I embedded the Youtube link on the dialog box. In my auto-deleted entry I wrote much about my second date, let's call him C, C is a Virgo, a self-driven and dynamic person, we are 4 years apart and both of us love Mando pop, he has a special liking for Jacky Cheung's song (Canto pop) and that was when we both interacted, for our love in music. I am unsure how I gotten myself into a relationship with him but looking back, its more of a trial then anything else, there was nothing sexual and sensual involved. Mine and C were in between fling and date I feel. I was very touched to have him Whatsapp me this song 握住我的手 and I thought it maybe a good opportunity to do a self-disclosure. 

 

Lo and behold my "mental illness condition" did not went well with him and we drifted apart. That was when I first experienced GHOSTING (Yes that is the word). I was in an emotional turmoil and there was a part of me who cannot let go the fact that HONESTY did not pay me well back then. As much as I knew that it was impossible for me and C to work things out, the reality just sucks. In fact I have to thank C, without him who ghosted back then, I would not be here today emerging emotionally stronger. I wondered if he would have sensed it after I bumped into him 2 years ago at that pub. Maybe to C that two weeks was nothing and somehow we have that unanimous thoughts that "yes, we have each move on with life".  I strongly believe that C will make a good hubby in which was true because he was still very much with his partner after so many years. Imho, they are a perfect match for each other. C, I wish you all the very best and maybe there was an infatuation love after all or perhaps you were just curious, curious why I will visit that pub where we met alone, that often. 

 

P/S: ONS, Flings, Dates, infatuation love, STR, LTR love are terms used in any relationships regardless straight or LGBTQI. 

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2020年 6月 01号 雨

***Topics involved in suicide and deaths, it maybe too provoking for some, kindly read at your own discretion and stop if you feel uncomfortable about this topic. Thanks

 

First of June, a date that I would always remember. Its a date that two of people whom I knew left the world suddenly at different year one 15 odd years another one 3 years ago. Though both had expressed their intend to end their life prematurely by suicide but it took both of them years to execute it, by then their loved ones have perhaps let down their attention or guard. Both I had met at their final life phase, both I could not detect anything amiss, both were so calm and composed, one of them met me up for lunch and one of them who I met briefly on the street. I used to blame myself why did I not detect it earlier? Perhaps I had experienced a few near death experiences myself? Or maybe the dead bodies that I have witnessed i.e. falling from great heights, decomposed, an car accident, murdered could have attributed the insensitivity in me towards death? Or perhaps I have been listening to too many "cries of wolves from my ex-clients?"

 

The topic of death is more prevalent as we entered into 2020 with the pandemic, the undesirable human behaviors could have stemmed from one of precipitating factor, the need to survive and the fear of death. I believed the two men had tried their best to attain survival prior to their suicide completion. It could have been their struggle and tussle were already over, even their presenting final moments were so calm and composed. Alot of people may have to disagree but I feel that it takes an enormous courage and determination just to end it all. During the initial phase of my bipolar disorder treatments and relapse, there were thoughts of wanting to end it all as well. There was a Chinese saying "Never destine to die yet" came true to me several times  be it if its intentional and unintentional. Since I am allergic to painkillers, I could have swallow a few hundreds of panadols. I could have just go untreated for my two major fever episodes and let it go, let it be. I boarded the ambulance for three times, all for different reasons that were life endangering but I survived. Besides the Chinese saying, i did like to see that it was also my self-determination to wanting to live, not forgetting the love and concerns showered on me by my family and friends.

 

Am I speaking with a tone of deference to those who chose to complete suicide then? Yes, I am because they did something that I will never have the courage to do so. So am I being timid? No because there were still alot of life lessons for me to learn and living my life fruitfully is a good way to honour those individuals who have choose to depart me prematurely.

 

This song is for those who have departed, please promise that you will take good care of yourself on the other side or perhaps some of you may have reincarnated. I will definitely take good care of myself while on earth.  

 

張惠妹

身後

作詞:HUSH
作曲:林俊傑

我 喜歡看你孩子般走在前頭
像第一次發現世界的探索
告訴我 鮮艷的顏色好多

你 改不掉突然停下來回過頭
想再一次習慣性確認什麼
像是要牽手 或是一起走
直到風景褪色的時候
你身後 會有我
守護你看見盡頭的背後
那片天空 等著另一端新的生活

能不能答應我
臨別時候或許你就先走
徒留感傷就請你留給我
讓我面對你往後的寂寞
能不能答應我
分開時候放心回頭看我
讓我明白牽掛著你的手
鬆開後還能忍住淚向你告別揮手

記得你愛過 你要記得你愛過
記得你曾經走過 記得繼續向前走
記得我眼中 見過你停留
你的身影一直在我的世界裡駐守

能不能答應我
臨別時你或許就先走
徒留的感傷都留給我
讓我面對你往後的寂寞
能不能答應我
分開時候放心回頭看我
讓我明白牽掛著你的手
鬆開後能拭去淚向你告別揮手

別急著答應我
難過的話現在不要說
好好享受安寧的溫柔
能不能答應我
再見時候就別再認出我
別讓我承受牽過的你的手
再重逢已換作你向我告別揮手

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 6月 02号 阴

 

The first day where the CB phase 1 begins. More cars were seen on the road and passengers no longer need to adhere with the safety distancing rule on public transport. After 56 days, the new norms will be tested. Hopefully the local community transmission will be kept to the minimum. There are situations that are unavoidable in certain sense, this pandemic has exposed the fragility of Singapore, everyone seems to be unhappy but I could not pin point to anything since there were so many unpleasant occurrences that had took place over the past years since the last GE. It has not been a practice for me to hang the national flag near national day. In the past, the residential committee of my precinct will instruct the migrant workers to hang the flag since the hooks are accessible but this year the migrant workers are down in numbers so citizens are encourage to hang their flags, despite callings from the President and opposition party, there is almost nil response this year. The entire of 2019 spoke to me in greater length and breathe where this concept of VALUE was reinforced in my professional and personal front. In every relationships, I am looking out for values regardless if its intrinsic and/or extrinsic and there bound to be a giver and receiver of that. Why am I mentioning this?

 

On a exo-level, it seems like I have been giving with minimum returns. As much as I had given my time and effort to my full time work previously, I often feel "squeezed and compressed" by my workplace. The taking and giving of values became imbalance, I gave more than I received. Likewise for relationships, I do not believe in the existence of altruism in Singapore, in religion i.e. a temple or church that instilled devotees to purchase an ceremonial items or tithe 10% of salary to the religious institutions. If one religion priced unconditional love as its fundamentals then why must they solicit for such funds? For survival? Well, if they are doing good for the community wouldn't their God blessed the institution in anyway? On the national level, perhaps we have been giving our space for more autocratic and bureaucracy, given up our spaces for more foreign talents to poach our jobs into our state. In the past, when my ex-clients told me how challenging it was to compete for an interview in the job market, its not as easy for me to empathize compared to how they were feeling emotionally. But when I was thrown into the freelance gig for the whole of 2019, I finally felt the pinch. 

 

And who on earth created this vacuum of PMETs not having to find a proper full-time employment and most turned to become private hired drivers? I know who, the ones who lived in their ivory towers and only listen their community of people loving within 1km radius. It will be my 5th opportunity to vote this year, provided that there will not be any walk-over in my constituency. I do forward to exercise my right once again as a citizen, for the betterment for Singapore and not the ones who are up in their ivory towers. 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 6月 04号 雨

 

I recalled vividly my three heterosexual relationships over a span of 14yrs were valuable life lessons in building who I am today. My first was with this girl I met after my O levels, since we were in the same part time contract job stint. There were plenty of opportunities to meet each other at work. 

Both of us were shy and passive back then. Letter writing was how we communicated with each other instead of going on dates. She is a diligent lady, someone who will make a good girlfriend and wife but too bad the relationship ended pretty abruptly as both of us drifted apart after we entered into the tertiary institutions. We lost touch.  The second relationship was with this girl who I met in my 18ish. We shared similar interest for music, I got to know her from my ex classmates. We went out together rather frequently and we entered into a love relationship after she broke up with her ex. I could have been her rebound. There were much bitterness back then when I proposed a broke up after a few months because I was attracted to me. Honestly speaking I am more interested with her ex. 🤦‍♂️ We never met since and the last time I learnt was she was blissfully married with children. 

 

Both relationships had one thing in common, we were very much dependent on each other not physically but emotionally and it was expressed via letter writing and long hours of "porridge cooking" (phone calls). It came to a point where I felt unease and tired but of course the primary reason was because I couldn't bring myself to establish a romantic relationship with the girls. Love was casted aside during my years in the force as I was very focused with my career. My third and final heterosexual love relationship was something I did like to write in depth on perhaps in my next entry. Meanwhile, this article is worth to be archived here in the diary because it gave an insight what constitutes a healthy love relationship.

 

https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-build-a-relationship-based-on-interdependence-4161249

Edited by amuse.ed
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@2310hrs

 

 

我反复地检讨
检讨我俩的关系
初次相遇在 2012年二月
那时的你遥不可及


你那绅士的沉默稳重
深深地吸引了我
我主动与你联系
后来才发现
我早已在文笔迹中认识你

当时的我刚出柜
"年少轻狂"也有了单恋对象
但对你的才华赞叹不已
在我脑海里迟迟无法抹去
我不敢和你频密联系
是因为不想撩乱我的思绪

那夜我们再次相遇
单恋对象说对你感兴趣
看你们俩门当互对
我也知难而退
毕竟看见至爱能幸福快乐
我也已欣慰滿足

我不闻不问
不知你俩可否有走在一起
五年前被单恋对相所婉拒
我收拾起心情
偶尔和你嘘寒问暖

那段网谈的日子虽然短暂
但对我而言也已足够
过不久我们又开始忙碌
又断了联系

现在再次重逢
我已走出那被婉拒的伤痛
也和你再次联络
疫情当前暂时无法相遇

 

希望能在七月十一日

傍晚七时

和你在那河畔见个面

并肩地在天空下同行

再去吃你喜爱吃的


风雨无阻 不见不散

 

柚子 

2020年 6月 4号

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2020 6月 05号 雨

 

Weather has been erratic lately and I can feel the unrest in my body system. Hopefully I will breeze this period through. As I pen down the entry at 2300hrs last night requesting for a meet up with Y on 11 Jul at 7pm, I am unsure he will read it. Let this be the affinity moment.... quite sure that Y will not buy in to what I wrote. Nonetheless I will still be there at that location on that fateful day, rain or shine. If he didn't appear, its fine for me as well. That brings me to my third love relationship with this Christian lady. We were together as we shared the same faith. She knew of my homosexual tendency and willing to journey through with me. She is the only lady that I brought home to my family and maternal families. My parents loved her and so did my elder sister. Even my introverted cousin open up to her as well. It seemed like things were picking up, I met her family had dinner several times and just when there were thoughts of wanting to ROM, I retracted. I told her honestly there were no promises that I would not "turned wayward" or fall into temptations. The reperative therapy that I had experienced may provide me with tools to overcome but my heart and head were more inclined towards the same sex. Seriously I struggled, in the end, we broke up. I am not the man for her. We lost touch since and hopefully she is now getting on well with life. The contacts who knew somehow has disappeared in my life too. That's when I step out of the closet, 10yrs ago. I rejected three potentials in my life and perhaps its karma to be rejected by the people who I fancied throughout this 10 yrs. I have tasted enough of the aftermath of rejections, as much as I wish to put a full stop to it, the universe may not think its enough. I sincerely hope that Y will turn up that fateful evening, even if he didn't, I understood where he is coming from as well. Currently me and Y are still in touch, I am comfortable with the way we communicate right now. The time and space are sufficient, there are no obligations for both of us to meet. We went on a one on one meet up thrice before the CB and I enjoyed those moments. As a responsible man, I know he didn't wish to meet in person now. That's what I love Y steady, responsible, matured and a man of few words. As mentioned even if this relationship didn't work out, I hope we can be brothers if not friends if not a role model that I will always admired. 😊

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2020 6月 07号 雨

 

I used to do well in history and literature back in secondary school. Though I do not have the flair in languages, it doesn't stop me from picking up writing five years ago as a form of hobby and an outlet expression of my emotions. It can be a form of poetry, lyrics or even a short story. These writings were primarily extended from my life or ex-client's life experiences. The below mentioned lyric was inspired from this person I met, let's call him D. I and D met at one of the pubs back then, he always arrived alone at a fixed time. One of the seasonal regulars, D would ordered his drinks and sat at a corner. Our eyes met and yes there was this unknown chemistry between the both of us, we even mirrored our actions sub-consciously. I forgot who approached who first but the conversation went on well, we exchanged numbers and started to Whatsapp each other regularly. I and D shared a few common traits and hobbies. A good start I thought but suddenly D ghosted and the next thing I knew he was with another person. After what happened to me and C, the impact was not as great as I had yet there was this negative emotions that lingered. I questioned myself..... any reasons for him to ghost me, was it because he had heard from someone or somewhere that I had "bipolar disorder" or what? I wrote this as a closure to this fling in 2015.

 

偶遇

我倆曾被爱伤过 也为爱哭过
真爱难寻淡如直水豪无频率
坚信爱是相互接应 数学无法推理
化学物理 心灵相通而定

那夜与你偶遇 默契一律
话虽不多但心却平静
莫非是真爱降临 还是仰慕之意
对流言非语让它随风而去

全心全意付出到底 真爱将会降临
还是掸花三变毫无悬念的魔力
心境宁静 你却渐渐离我远去
也只能叹缘分已尽 还是有缘待续

日久天明后给我留下的决心
等了又等的决心我无法继续
寒风吹起花㓔凋宁雪白透明
清溪描写着四季也只能无缘再续

 

10/08/2015

 

 

Dear D,

 

"I always know you as a responsible homely man who places your loved ones first, wherever you are right now, I wish you all the best, we bump into each other 2 years back and though we didn't talked much but I am glad to see you still as sturdy, meaning you are still as disciplined as you used to be when we first met in 2014" 

 

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2020 6月 08号 雨

 

 

遺失的美好

作詞:姚若龍 作曲:黃漢青

 

海的思念綿延不絕 終於和天

在地平線交會 愛如果走得夠遠

應該也會跟幸福相見 承諾常常很像蝴蝶

美麗的飛 盤旋然後不見

 

但我相信你給我的誓言 就像一定會來的春天

我始終帶著你愛的微笑 一路上尋找我遺失的美好

不小心當淚滑過嘴角 就用你握過的手抹掉

再多的風景也從不停靠 只一心尋找我遺失的美好

有的人說不清哪裡好 但就是誰都替代不了

 

承諾常常很像蝴蝶 美麗的飛

盤旋然後不見 但我相信你給我的誓言

就像一定會來的春天 我始終帶著你愛的微笑

一路上尋找我遺失的美好 

不小心當淚滑落嘴角 就用你握過的手抹掉

再多的風景也從不停靠

 

只一心尋找我遺失的美好 有的人說不清哪裡好

但就是誰都替代不了 在最開始的那一秒

有些事早已經注定要到老 雖然命運愛開玩笑

真心會和真心遇到 我始終帶著你愛的微笑

一路上尋找我遺失的美好 不小心當淚滑落嘴角

就用你握過的手抹掉 再多的風景也從不停靠

只一心尋找我遺失的美好

有的人說不清哪裡好 但就是誰都替代不了

 

 

 

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2020 6月 09号 晴

Counting down: 33 days 

There were rumours that the Singapore General Election is scheduled on 11 July 2020. Same day as my proposed date to meet up Y. We wasn't communicating after I posted my entry in the date, as usual he is busy with work I believe. If Y has been reading this entry he will know. Dairy, is it worth the wait? I wonder if I should use the word "worth" as love is not pegged with a price and an amount. Love is unexplainable, its more subjective and least objective. Its all about chemistry and based primarily on feelings. I know that its challenging for two males to be in a love relationship in Singapore but I sincerely wish that Y will give this relationship a consideration. Ok I wouldn't mention this from now on but to count down with every entry I make. Its a wait of...... 

 

2,851,200 seconds
47,520 minutes
792 hours
33 days
4 weeks and 5 days
9.02% of 2020

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2020 6月 10号 晴

 

I managed to assert myself today, declining a job assignment that is of higher pay. I often ask if monetary rewards is necessary at this point of my life right now. I resigned from my full time time job in 2018 and now freelancing, taking on job assignments on a periodical basis. Due to my past mental conditions, my finances are regulated by "my finance minister" because one of the symptoms to bipolar mania is to go on a spending spree. It's more of a preventive measure right now to keep my finances in check in which I appreciated. Thankfully its a so far so good situation as of now. The job assignment paid me double to what I am earning now but there are other considerations as well i.e. flexibility in scheduling, agility to pursue what I did like to do. At this point of my life I am in the state of possible career transition, still contemplating if I should continue with human or social services. The current pandemic has posed another hurdle for me to find a full time job especially when my salary is pegged at a certain level in the industry. Hence, right now is all about flexibility and autonomy. Its good that I still have some transferable soft skills for me to get by with life but I know it will not be long. Hope that my career will be crafted by end of this financial year. I have been constantly checking on what is my Ikigai- the one or few things that kept me going and wake up every morning. Journeying alongside with individuals or families is definitely one aspect that keeps me going and there are others as well so I just need to find a balance and harmonise of what I am doing right now. Knowing my blind spot is also critical, what are my pitfalls and triggers. I hope I have lived well enough to know all these. And I firmly believe that the universe will definitely blessed me and open doors if I am doing work that are meaningful. Of course I have to invest time and effort too, not to procrastinate or delay any opportunities that may arise in the future. Diary, I am definitely positive. 😊

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2020 6月 11号 晴

 

The verdict for my post for Y is out. I was told to move on and pursue another. Thankfully he didn't ghosted or ignored me totally or lead me on. A true gentleman indeed. Has the fact sank in for me? Yes and no. Yes because i had this gut feel that a No is the outcome. No because I feel rejected once again and wonder any reasons for him to did what he has done in the past over our intense contact for the past close to one year. Yes I have to be honest and true to my feelings, and who knows in my previous life i might have hurt Y many times? Whatever how i rationalise it and try to come to terms, the outcome will still be the same. I asked him may still show him my brotherly love, he texted me that a brotherly love is too intense for him and perhaps that is to help me keep my feelings and boundaries between me and him at the bay. Friendship is what he wish to maintain for the both of us. Y has his admirers, even my unrequited love X was smitten by him. Its a lost that I need to accept and reconcile. A good closure this time round as well though it hurts but as an old saying goes "Time will heal". I could have ask him alot of whys but I choose not to this time because I doubted he did like to share or maybe its me who can't accept what he is going to share? 

 

Dear Y, 

Thank you for being part of my journey and hopefully we will continue this friendship till we age. I have alot of whys in my head now but as I know that we are busy with work and there are other commitments to pursue, so in the sense your short and swift reply is what I need seriously. Thank you again for not leading me on as well. May we each find our partner that we can truly loved in the end.... till then my care and concern as a friend will still be there so don't expect me to WhatsApp you less hor. 🙃😊😆

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2020 6月 12号 晴

 

Managed to fall into a deep sleep last night. No dreams.... woke up feeling afresh. Edited this poetry that reflects one yearning of needing to be love. I first wrote it while sitting on the waterbreaker, reflecting over my conversation with one of my friends on the perspective on Buddhism and worldly beliefs of love.

 

海的儿子

海时蓝 海时绿
浪花拨弄着我的思绪
我仰望着星空 等待着
那无私的爱情

碧海蓝天 善与孽
因果轮回 莫待均线
四季如夏的海岸线
红壁沙版 玄玉梁些
印证我对爱的宣言

仿佛很遥远
见不着 听不见
那所谓的爱情在何处
惹尘埃 心如明镜
尘垢污染障蔽了
世间欲望 放鱼入海

云彩那菩提树下的情缘
是否我能亲自体验
我坐在海岸瞭望着
期待我爱的他出现

慈悲喜舍 空气是色
道不尽的缘起缘灭
随意随缘 当下如常

谁与我共长眠

 

柚子

2020年 4月

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2020 6月 13号 雨

 

Its a rainy and cooling day, slept through till 10 plus 11am and it was so shiok. Woke up and blessed to have brunch on the table. Dad cooked and its been awhile since I tasted home cooked food. Both of us were discussing how the Singapore General Election (GE) that is approaching in the month of July according to speculation. Its always interesting to listen to how he the Merdeka Generation interpreted politics during his years and mine. Anyway both of us hope that our GRC will have a walk over this year so that it will save us the time and effort though we knew that this is not happening. Dad's era was when LKY ruled with that iron fist, he and his peers has fallen behind as they were lowly educated but my dad never gave up, he started his own business and was one of the early "property agents" for individuals living at the private estates. He has a vast network of associates and contacts staying at the East who supported his business for the past 50 years. Though now it has down sized to only a one or two men ops, I could still feel his zeal and passion for his work. He said he do not wish to retire and will work till end of life, I supported that so long as he is healthy and willing, with his current state of health, he could jolly well work for another 10 years, he do not drink or smoke nor he womanize though he was a gambler in the past (that brings us much pain), now he would just by 4D or Toto just to fulfill his crave.

 

Mum updated me that the uncle of one of the provision shops that they frequent patronized had since passed on in March 2020. The uncle's wife passed on in Feb 2020 and she said the couple must be very loving to each other and that explain why both of them departed within a short period of time. Mum said she hopes she and Dad will pass away together at the same time, though it was a briefed and short statement but I can sensed my Mum love for Dad. My parents married at their early 20s, both were striving for their careers back then and yet both me and my sis do not lack of their company and love, though we do get our fair share of canning and scoldings, I think as parents they have to instill the discipline in us. Diary as I was typing this, I asked myself any reasons for me to not enjoy my parents form of companionship. Have I not learnt enough from my life lessons or am I being choosy?  I believe as much as I had admired and loved my flings, dates and short time partner, there are people who took fancy of me and was rejected by me as well.

 

Oh well, this is love--- a four letter words which is uncomprehending and takes alot of unknowns to make it happen. Heiz. Which Mandopop will I choose for Y's closure this time round? Perhaps this:

 

虎二

缘分易碎

作词:师立宅
作曲:廖伟志
编曲:任斌
监制:Leo

落枫似火吻肩 膀不知离殇
风霜偷袭了万千柔肠
缘分被深深庭院独自私藏
瑟瑟琴声 寂寞里游荡
轻解衣装泪两行 彻夜惆怅
朱窗摇晃着 烦乱梦乡
容颜被岁月枯黄 沧桑时光
爱已注定 人海里流浪
缘分易碎 落地酝酿成了离别
抖落风雪 抖不落伤心欲绝
色染半截 被黑暗切断情节
无法勾勒出你完美的笑靥
缘分易碎 落地酝酿成了离别
四分五裂 被痛苦一一分解
往事重叠 总在深夜里哽咽
寂寞习惯性的又陪 我一夜
轻解衣装泪两行 彻夜惆怅
朱窗摇晃着 烦乱梦乡
容颜被岁月枯黄 沧桑时光
爱已注定人海里流浪
缘分易碎 落地酝酿成了离别
抖落风雪 抖不落伤心欲绝
色染半截被黑暗切断情节
无法勾勒出你完美的笑靥
缘分易碎 落地酝酿成了离别
四分五裂 被痛苦一一分解
往事重叠总在深夜里哽咽
寂寞习惯性的又陪 我一夜
缘分易碎 落地酝酿成了离别
四分五裂 被痛苦一一分解
往事重叠 总在深夜里哽咽
寂寞习惯性的 又陪我一夜

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2020 6月 14号 晴

Read a WhatsApp posting about the end phase of an unrequited love, the author finished the article with this sentence that sets me thinking: 

 

".... 这一切终究是空,我败给了现实,我甚至搞不清楚,我放不下究竟是你,还是那一个放不下你的我自己?"

"All things had ended up in a state of emptiness, I have lost to reality, I am wondering what did I can't let go, was it you or myself whom I have yet to let you go?"

 

Thereafter I dreamt this morning. Two dreams in fact. One at a war scene with a guy that I knew recently and the other scene at an office where I bump into the psychiatrist that "my 19yo bipolar son has been consulting" and X, "the unrequited love that he still cannot let go."

 

A Sunday for "my bioplar son" to mull over things perhaps?

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2020 6月 14号 晴 at 1430hrs

 

Dear Diary,

The future content of my entries will be written based on my best understanding of IFS (Internal Family System) a contemporary psychotherapy that I have been using since it was introduced to me in 2003/2004. Kindly refer to the below mentioned website so that you can comprehend what was written. Diary, the last thing I need you to think is that I am having my relapse for the 3rd time. https://ifs-institute.com/resources/articles/evolution-internal-family-systems-model-dr-richard-schwartz-ph-d

Love, 

Self aka YH

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2020 6月 18号 晴

Dear Diary, 

I dreamt this morning, it was a beautiful double rainbow. These two weeks had been eventfull, nursing my pain over Y and some hiccups at work front, several important decisions to make for the next few months. And most importantly, as I was thinking of how I could pen down the different parts in me in accordance to IFS, I realised it was extremely challenging or perhaps I am still feeling pretty insecure of myself.

 

The line between between authentic and pragmatic is blurred. In reality, it was not advisable to reveal too much of myself. The human ecological system in my current society doesn't support that. And who on earth will people be truthful to others or worse to themselves? Imho, one should only reveal appropriately. I mean there are no obligations for one to be truthful in the place, I do have deep secrets that my closet kin and love ones didn't know. Call me insecure and timid or whatever negative connotations that comes along but I feel that I am not engineered to be honest and truthful to myself in the first place. The least is to be just a better human to others who may at that juncture need my honesty but for myself? I think that they are still some issues that I did like to keep a secret.

 

The following article that I have attached talks about how shame shapes our false self and I find it quite insightful. From this article, its evident that I have been living in shame and guilt all these while. Something that wasn't triggered till at the age of 12 where I found myself having a liking for guys, since then its been like hiding in my closet and I move on to my teens, young adulthood, it has always been a tussle even till now after I have step out of my closet. There are still matters and issues that I wouldn't wish to share with people. The only channel is to speak to my faith, myself and I. I take the dream this morning as an endorsement and affirmation of my thoughts for the past few days. People who I know has always encouraged me to write a book on my journey of recovery but I have to weigh the suggest very carefully because there were just too many unknown consequences or repercussions to bear. I may have to think of a cleverer way to navigate it, some may wrote it in a form of poetry, play or script, and I have been writing intensively for the past 5 years. One contact even requested me to produce a cook book on my dietry regime since I can cook reasonably well (as Pa and Ma had said). I have the content, resources but what is next? Rainbow dreams are generally positive so I will take things as it comes, not that I am being passive but to wait for that kairo moment to come. And diary is a good start imho to pen down the little tinkles and major tumbles in life.

 

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-shame-shapes-our-false-self/

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2020 6月 19号 晴

 

The first day of circuit breaker phase 2. The only thing that I look forward to is the swim and beaches. Finally they will be an opportunity for me to revisit these two of my favourite spots. Alot of people in FB, IG have started to become the social police, going around observing people, trying to catch those moments of people who do not adhered to face wearing and hygiene. Again you may say that I took issues lightly Diary but I just didn't see why there are so much fears going on among the people. I mean Covid19 could be just another virus or another HIV thread so why is the world taking it so seriously? Perhaps I have "died several times" in life and there is really no need to be rara about it. Everyone has their own timeline, once my time is up means is up nothing one can do to revert it. In fact, I hope that euthanasia should be legalised so that one can end their suffering if they choose to and when the time is up for them. Living in Singapore can be very pressurized and unhealthy holistically. It doesn't help the human ecological system is being bounded. That brings me to how can I then survive in the midst of all these challenges and "hardships". Recently I have been listening to this audiobook that I find it very insightful. I believe many had read it before and it was sent by this benefactor, S when I was pretty down with Y incident. S didn't know about me and Y but this WhatsApp came at a precise and timely moment and I really thank him for forwarding the link to me. Again I am very blessed. Thank you S, you have been very supportive. 🙏 

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2020 6月 20号 雨

 

Dear Diary, 

 

Its interesting to observe that I have been dreaming quite frequently lately. This time it was a metal flask that I will bring along to work. In the dream, I am searching high and low for the flask stopper. There were much fears and anxiety while searching for the stopper and when I woke up to pee it was around 2.02am. The dream continued on so was the search, I reckoned that I have passed by alot of places, climb up and down the stairs but the scenic was very vague now, I could not recalled which places that I by passed but the stopper kept surfacing. I woke up at around 6am plus and started to google yet unable to find a significant meaning to my dream. The stopper of the flask is to keep the beverage in the flask warm at a certain temperature, it also helps to stop any spilling. Why am I so frantic when I lost the stopper in my dream and until now I am still brooding over it. I told my mother over at breakfast she said that the flask has always been with me so its natural that I would have an affiliation to it. Though what she said was short and brief but it is indeed wisdom. That brings me to the topic on "attachments" be it whether if its an object or a human being, we form a kind of attachment to it especially if it was over a long period of time. I remembered while I was young I do kept my bolster as "chou-chou" (smelly in Chinese) in which provided me with a sense of security and "sleep tranquilizers". My mum would threw my "chou-chou" in the rubbish chute many times but another new "chou-chou" will appeared somehow.  That is human behavior in action, I lost something that I was attached to and the earnestness of wanting to get it back its strong so I re-create another new experiences out of it. So do I still have my "chou-chou" now? Yes and no. Yes because my bed do smell at times, no because I need not the item anymore to form that attachment to form my security that I needed while I was a child. So that was the power of attachment in a physical sense with an object. 

 

Back to the dream, the flask was an item I brought along side with me, when I need hot water, I would use it to quench my thirst. An item that is primarily to satisfy my need and any lost to the parts of the flask will meant that I am unable to enjoy my hot water anymore so there could be a sense deprivation, a desperate one it seems. To put in reality, it could extent from my conversations I had with my friends lately, one told me that I am a little negative, the other encouraged me to try it out and pursue another person who I got to know recently. I am guilty as charged for the negativism part in my life. But to try it out to pursue the other person who I barely know or knew that there is no chemistry, its simply out of tangent of my life principles, values and beliefs on true love. If I am going to piece the puzzle together to form a picture using my dream, it could have meant that I am keeping my "The Essence of Love" in check and the stopper could be "the one" that will prevent me from turning cold towards my pursuance of the essence of love thus I have to search high and low for it.  Diary, what exactly is the essence of love and how can I make sense of it while I am in my pursuance of the meaning in life?"

 

Or perhaps I can find it in this song.... Let it....悬日  a song about letting go of the inability of letting go....

 

悬日

作词 Lyricist:葛大为 David Ke

作曲 Composer:知更 John Stoniae

 

黄昏宣告着 今天已死亡

淡去的光阴 是我的战场

重遇在热络的市集

我很喜欢你的她 多配你呀

 

是真的开心 不是在作假

没有烟硝 互动健康

赶紧拿出我的手机 也让你看看我的他

不介意的话

 

落下 同一颗太阳 有什么特别的吗

你还不是一样 温暖却停在远方

对峙着不可能的爱情 也该像悬日那样 让它落下

 

她刻意放空自己 想留点时间让我们 再说说话

我像在愚弄自己 演哪出破绽百出的 心胸宽大

你不忘调侃自己 不够好却总是有人 为你牵挂

我又被回忆波及 心怎会这样不强壮

 

落下 同一颗太阳 有什么特别的吗

你还不是一样 温暖却停在远方

对峙着不可能的爱情 也该像悬日那样

让它落下 让它落下 让我放下 我没放下 我想放下

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nf1C1fSJG_8

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2020 6月 21号 雨

Damn it this is what was circulating within the WhatsApp community asking for petitions to protect children from "homosexuality content" for upcoming pink dot event. How I wish there was an adult who affirmed me and my sexuality back then when I was 12 yrs old. It takes a teenage molester to affirm me somehow. 29yrs on and we are still in such a conservative society. What a disappointment. 🤦‍♂️

 

"THIS IS REAL REQUEST ! 

PARENTS’ PETITION : PROTECT our children from Homosexual content !

1500 signatures are still needed to petition , can you add your signature? ✍️ & share with others ! GOD BLESS You & your loved ones ! 

这是真实的要求🙏!为了避免我们的孩子受到同性恋的网络内容的危害,请你们踊跃签名支持政府监管!愿上帝祝福你们的善举!
🙏🇸🇬💕🌈

Can you help out by signing this petition?

http://chng.it/DGkh224jmH"

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2020 6月 21号 雨 @1640hrs

Dear Dad, 

Happy Father's Day. I wonder how you would think of me when I first disclosed I am a gay two decades ago. You have seen me through the period when I have to consult my psychiatrist on the weekly basis. You never failed to ferry me from home to the hospital. Prior to my diagnosis, you brought me to different Deities to address my challenges without knowing my sexuality back then. You were in search of an answer, I could have told you honestly but I couldn't bring myself to tell you and Ma or even Jie. The Mediums said that it was a bad milestones I needed to cross. For Mum, she thought that I lost my soul when my colleagues dumped me into the sea on my 21st birthday. When I told all of you of my sexuality, I couldn't make sense of all your expressions, I wondered if you were angry and sad but all I knew was you didn't stop me when I explored Christianity and went on the reparative therapy that was supposed to "convert me". You raised your hand on that day when my expastor extended it to you over an alter call. I thought that moment you would be saved but thereafter you changed your mind and Mum said that late as your parents were still alive and it will be deem not filial if you couldn't burn that joss stick or incense paper on their wakes. As years gone by, I fell out of Christianity and the matter wasn't pursue further.

 

Two months ago you told me that you did like to be on a vegetarian diet on the first and fifteen day of the lunar month. It took me my surprise, mum said that perhaps you had a revelation but my fear is you took the fact of my "abnormality" upon yourself, a sin that you need to atone so that I can be back on track--- get married to a girl and pass on the legacy. I did ask you cheekily before but you said it was simply for religious purposes. I casted it aside for a moment for now as I knew the primary reason may not be what you said. On this day, in which coincided with the first day of the fifth lunar month, I wished you A Happy Father's Day and though I am unable to fulfil your wish of getting a daughter in law and grandchildren, I hope that my filial piety will be more than enough to compensate for the inadequacy that I had. 

 

Love, your son

 

 

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2020 6月 21号 雨 @2225hrs

我每天都在扮演着
扮演着那不同的角色
每天都在问自己 
今天的角色是什么

 

我在圈子里兜着走
累得绕不出循环里的伤痛
半夜三更 夜难枕
慢步走着那月满西楼

 

我期盼已久的那个人
他说去爱那和我相同的人
才不会耗费人生
算了吧 那我宁可
单独地自行着

 

我渴望有张单程票 
离开这铺满象牙塔的辉煌
骑着单身 背包旅行 周游列国
看那田园异丽山水景色

 

柚子

21.06.2020

 

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2020年 6月 25号 阴

 

我跨过了, 你呢? 🙃

 

跨不过的距离
作词:虎二
作曲:虎二

你的身边很挤 我会保持距离
不用再挂心 三言两语
反正一样的结局

我学会了逃避 我慢慢在抽离
写好的私信又收手放弃
说好不再疼惜

我明明还是会突然想起你
还是会偷偷关心你的踪迹
我明明还是没有死心
还是没伤到彻底
还是不能让你成为过去

我明明还是搁浅在童话里
还是会不遗余力地想像甜蜜
我明明还是无法直视和你有关的道理
还是决定傻傻去追寻
跨不过的距离

我学会了逃避 我慢慢在抽离
写好的私信又收手放弃
说好不再疼惜

我明明还是会突然想起你
还是会偷偷关心你的踪迹
我明明还是没有死心
还是没伤到彻底
还是不能让你成为过去

我明明还是搁浅在童话里
还是会不遗余力地想像甜蜜
我明明还是无法直视和你有关的道理
还是决定傻傻去追寻
跨不过的距离

还是不敢轻易再把你名字提起
把你留在时间里
然而爱不离开 我的撕痛还在
你却无法替代

我明明还是会突然想起你
还是会偷偷关心你的踪迹
我明明还是没有死心
还是没伤到彻底
还是不能让你成为过去

我明明还是搁浅在童话里
还是会不遗余力地想像甜蜜
我明明还是无法直视和你有关的道理
还是决定傻傻去追寻
跨不过的距离

 

 

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@1710hrs

 

魄哀谱

你曾经夸下海誓山盟
想与我渡过那傲慢的沙漠
你曾说我是你的唯一
却在轻轻地拨弄他的涟漪
酷似情场快手 把我的单纯给撕破

我不想直白地说
但这样的背叛我无法消受
你剥夺我孱弱的身躯
偷袭我的心灵
撕裂了我已空的心

离开我 别在我面前装蒙卖傻
大雪已把我打醒
枫叶晚秋已把你看清
你不再是我的依靠
歇斯底里
我不是你情感的游记

已剪短那闪雷的片段
剪断了那昔日的风彩
你怎能叫我释怀
就让蓝海把你淹埋

 

柚子 

25.06.2020

 

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2020年 6月 26号 晴

 

So GE2020 will be scheduled on the 10 Jul 2020. To many it was expected. I often equate my relationship with the ruling party as a love and hate relationship. Love is because I love the security. One of the lowest crime rate in the world. Hate? Plentiful because overall I feel that the sense of belongings has eroded over the years. Initially I do not understand any reason for some of the citizen to support the oppositions. But as years pass as I faced many realities in life. I begin to understand the need to discourage one party over domineering the governance and policy formulations. The founding generation has certainly set the bar and no opposition has managed to overtake them for the past 5 decades. Why was that so? Perhaps the video clip may jolly well give an answer. I dislike the way how it was narrated it sounded aloof and arrogant but maybe this is how the culture is build on... elitism....false meritocracy and false democracy. Don't you agree with me Diary? 

 

I was once as naive as a little boy
Was fooled by the many candies you offered
The candies now seem to get sweeter
But it ruins my inner souls and my freedom 
I became a zombie lost in my sensitivity

 

Once bitten twice shy they said 
I thought you will change
The venom you spit is toxic
The skin you shed I couldn't bear to see
A viscous serpent indeed

 

You are excellent in sugar coating
And profound in your definition on hoarding 
My toil that I was forced to part
It is sad my harvest can never be call my own 
But a stake that you squandered away

 

Here you go once again 
Giving me empty promises year after year
Yet you are memerised by many regardless
It is time for me to disassociate your toxicity
In which I will never feel regretted


25.06.2020

 

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 6月 28号 阴

 

Caught up with K and H last night over dinner. Its been months we have yet to meet up for a decent meal. Everyone was so happy to see each other physically, nothing beats a good and fruitful conversation. There is always something about K and H, their presence bring comfort to my soul. Good friends are hard to come by especially for our age. We are same same yet different, our ideologies and values are almost similar and one thing about us is we will challenge one another in our differences and yet accommodate, often choose to agree to disagree.

 

Recently I learnt from another friend Z that he had choose to leave a setting to vast differences in certain ideologies and no one seemed to support him yet left remarks (intentionally or not) that brought Z much pain and disappointment. Imho that is consider as bullying. I mean any reasons for us not to meet eye to eye and even there may be disagreements I also believe in respecting the person point of view and move on. Perhaps I am naive, I thought that since all of us are in the same boat we should show more grace and understanding towards one another. Then I realized that there are segregation, some are in a sapan, some in boat with lower capacity, another in ships that ferried cargo goods and some are in a cruise ships and a few are in luxurious cruise liner. I first met Z when I am in my early adulthood but its only recently that I have constant contact with him. Z told me that he is shedding his old self and now embarking to a new him. I can see that he is making every effort to do that. Having to come from a regimental system in his past career, I could empathise where he was coming from, a need to adjust to the harsh environment while hoping to survive in a new paradigm. He is definitely a role model that I did like to learn more and emulate. He is highly disciplined and have an awesome perspective of his own, again age catches up. We often complain how age catches up with him holistically. As a Social Worker and what I have experiences thus far in work and life, age is merely a digit. Though there are some detoriating physical conditions that we are unable to control, there are always room for finding our meaning and Ikigai in life at different phases that will help enhance our physical and emotional aspects. I hope to age at a pace that is comfortable for me and to meet seniors that I could learn from. As I desire, the law of attractions take its place. I am beginning to meet individuals that are way beyond my age. Most who are wise and had attain enlightenment in life. Indeed I am blessed once again. I wish that my friendship with K and H will last till the day where we enter to our final phase in life. And not forgetting with friends that I have least contact with but have leave a deep impression and impact. Diary I believe you know who they are and do bless them holistically as well. 

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2020年 6月 29号 阴

I am fuming as I read the social media postings who claimed that they are the Singapore opposition parties supporters yet hiding behind their nicknames. If there were genuine fears in them then the least don't comment or act like one. Their behaviours are really a detriment and pain to the ecological system that is seriously eroding. I doubted Singapore need such "mindless oppie supporters" around. 

 

To all self proclaimed oppies,

Stop being a hypocrite
If you claim yourself to be an oppie
Stop hidding behind the nickname of yours
And stop behaving like a "keyboard warrior"

Who the fuxk you think you are
Claiming to love the parties you supported
Yet you are hidden in that turtle shell
An Ostrich which bury its head into the sand

Perhaps you did not know
You are behaving just like the incumbent
Rigid, blamer, flighter and big bully
A wolf in sheep clothing you are
A viscous and venomous snake that is poisonous

Stop saying that you are pro oppie
Because your thoughts and behaviour are incongruent
Is this how oppies should behave
Or are you the one who is the real mole
Trying to distract geuniue oppies out of their way

If you are a true blue blood oppie
Reveal your real name as per NRIC
Stop being a coward and hide behind in that nickname of yours
Shut your trap and scram off
The ecosystem does not need a pest like you to create that unnecessary chaos

 

ET

29.06.2020

 

*NRIC: National Registration Identity Card

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2020年 7月 01号 阴

How time flies.... I am half way through 2020. Wasn't in a right mood these few days. Perhaps its what was happening lately at personal and work front. Took a nature bath walk yesterday and managed to attain equilibrium holistically. Good to enjoy the flora and fauna.... allowing my core self to stabilise.  It is important to slow down my pace and observe closely to nature in which works for me. There are people who are into meditations and they are some into Art Therapy or other psychotherapy. Just do whatever it helps. I am more at peace now. 🙏

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2020年 7月 05号 冷

 

You often dressed as "a white knight saviour"

Out there to boast with all your might
Limelights were stolen at a speed of thunder strike
Prowled on those who said you could have made things right

Most of the time you were inconsistent
Confusing me, choosing not to listen to my plight
Your words often differ from your actions
Your resolutions were often so remedial
How do you expect me to feel trusted and reassured?

There are no truths and transperancies in our relationship
What are there to hide if there are nothing wrong in sight
Now you are trying to pull alliances calling the other parts of me to concur
I hope you are being counselled, for whatever you remarked seem so incoherent

Leaving you is an alternative but it is never my perfect resolution
You rarely prioritize to suit my situation as you are toxic and full of manipulation
Do continue to stay in your bubble
All the best for your endeavours
This will be my final text to you
I definitely have no regrets thereafter

 

ET

05.07.2020

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2020年 7月 06号 热

 

Diary have you ever been stuck in a situation whereby you have to make a decision who and what you need to cut off from your platform? I believe you haven't done that don't you? Your existence has allow billions of people pour forth the happiness and sorrows on you. I am thankful.... without you I won't be able to voice out my most inner thoughts and feelings. Highly recommended by the professionals about how one can improve their holistic wellbeing by keeping a diary, I have never doubted your capability and tenacetices to hold the fort. And often its the writer who decides to put you aside for awhile in which I did two decades ago. I remembered I was even told by my ex pastor and cell group leader to burn you away as you have kept records of my past sorrows and miseries. I regretted doing that on that fateful night. After I burnt you, all my entries thereafter were bible verses and praises to God. I mean I cannot deny the fact that its good to pen down my blessings but i have also lost a record of my past and how I have advanced and improved on my mental illness over all these years. For all things I wish to have a balance or harmony, I am very careful on being too optimistic or pessimistic about a situation. Always trying to find a homeostasis and perhaps in the midst of reaching there I begin to feel the stressors overwhelming me. These stressors are positive imho as it allows me to apply critical thinking on the issues I faced. 

 

Having said that I am actually quite lost right now on how should I proceed with my career, should I carry on with public services in which i know that I will be rejected due to my past mental illnesses. In fact I was rejected twice due to my conditions. Though last year the ministries have encouraged for the questions to be removed they still can check if I signed on the day when I registered for my medical check up isn't it? My gut feel told me not to pursue but my cognitive prompted me to give another shot. I mean I am no longer young and I dislike the regiments as well. I am looking for a progression and definitely not a regression. Mid life crisis and transition had come early I feel, this pandemic has reaffirmed me that going free lance will be an uphill task ahead. Of course I can do a complete change in whatever I did but the reluctance of letting it go is very tough especially I have invested a few ten thousands to attain where I am today. Undoubtedly it will be a waste if I am not going to continue with social work. A sms prompted me to renew my accreditation that is expiring in Sept 2020. I do have enough professional development credits to get for another 24 months. So now how diary? Should I stay or leave the sector? If I choose to stay, how can I make full use of whatever resources I had to advance?

Edited by amuse.ed
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@1710hrs

 

失恋的蔷薇

蔷薇比此被束缚
真心话无法说出
只能眼睁睁看着
关系变质成毫不在乎

看那天空乌云密布
带刺的蔷薇 依然不屑
翻开它成长岁月 苦乐翻倍
谁能理解它的伤悲
宁静的夜晚 烛光点缀
它心灵的那份卑微

离不开心中对它的思念
它们偶然地相遇
也无法控制那八万里的距离
最后选择放弃 让一切沉淀
沉滇对彼此的思念 等待着凋谢

它收拾心情 淡然面对
面对突然的不告而別
坚守着初衷 往前走
让雨水沖洗 它心灵的伤痛
让时光荏苒 带它到另一个时空

--- 柚子

06.07.2020

 

"一夕轻雷落万丝,霁光浮瓦碧参差

有情芍药含春泪,无力蔷薇卧晓枝"

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2020年 7月 10号 阴

Its Singapore Voting Day today. I have no much comments except to pen this down. 

 

GE 2020

 

An event marked in my calender

The shortest campaigning period ever

Sad to say its never about the people first

Putting many at risk expose to the virus

 

All have been said within these 14 days
They said all they need is a mandate
All look so frantically amaze running this election race

Seriously I am not very impressed


I do not have much freedom here
My future is bleak and uncertain
To pursue what I feel is right
May not be afterall so wise

What do I need from this homeland of mine
Completed my obligations with all my might
Do I really have the freedom of choice
All I know is I am squeezed so bloody dry

 

Regurgitated the national pledge
Mocking at my conscience versus the reality
Cross in the box that I think deem fit

Yes and I have fulfilled my duty as a citizen

 

ET 

08.07.2020

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@1215hrs - Figurative speaking.....

 

 

陈洁仪

别让我恨你
 
作词:吴旭文
作曲:吴旭文

世界是圆的 我想我们会再见面
而心情是粉碎的 也许这才是最完美的结局

今晚 让我们彼此冷静地说声 珍重再见
就像庆祝我们曾经轰轰烈烈 爱过的每一天

今晚 让我们断了可恨的争吵和不停的抱歉
留下一个吻 或许一个拥抱
让这段感情停在这最温柔的一天

我不想继续哭哭啼啼 说我多么委屈
我开始怀疑自己 多少事情无能为力
我不想藉著密密麻麻 悲伤的日记
继续欺骗着 安抚著自己

我不想等到一天 感情已经被谁代替
才经由朋友口中 传来背叛的消息
我不愿这段情分 走到最后无法呼吸
连一声问候 连一点消息都觉得痛心
都感到多余
别让我恨你
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2020年 7月 13号 雨

Diary as I was typing this, I can't help but to thank the person who returned my hp as I left it on the seat I rested a few moments ago. This is Singapore, safe, sercure, stable and with majority of citizens who are honest. All these achievements are accomplished by the founding leaders and the citizens who were willing to work collaboratively for a better future. If I have to look at how the current leadership who took over the reign in 2004, I cannot help but to feel that the ecological system has experienced the stressors and fatigue under the premiership.

 

A good 16 yrs- two 7 years cycles. Singaporeans had spoken for this GE that regardless if there is a pandemic, they would still wish to listen to an alternative voice in the parliament that has gone beyond the bread and butter issues. Yes the outcome wasn't up to the leader's expectations with his underlings said that time its time for reflections. But how far could one party reflect when they are still suck into the system that is there for the past 55 odd yrs? Policies and legislation formulated were definitely not in sync with the current era and the generation where information restricted by the mainstream media could be publicised in the social media, readily read by many netizens. Unflavourable comments via audio leaks and clips were circulated within the community now superseded how one gathered their ideologies and perhaps conclude what is best for future governance. The ruling party had reaped what they had sowed. As an individual who worked in social services previously, they are well-intended policies that took almost two decades to implement or abolished. For example mental health, I believe there are still diagnosed individuals with vast potentials who are struggling with their employments till this date. Though the Ministries seem to adopt a more open minded approach in employment where one need not declare its past or current mental health conditions, the effectiveness of the new policies will not be known until when it go through a round of trials and tests.

 

I have lost to time, its pretty late for me to survive where I used to be. I can't help but to think when my prospective employers will to screen my resumes and question any reasons for me not completing my National Service. Again I have to withhold the truth and perhaps lied that I have a physical conditions that causes my downgrading to PES F. But its that the work life I wish to live under? There will pose challenges to my integrity and honesty. More in depth research have to be done in this aspect as much as the new policy has brought some relief to the current system. All have been said Dairy, now you know why its a love and hate relationship between me and the current governance??

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2020年 7月 14号 阴

 

Facets of Life

 

How would I view my life
A life seems to be full of ups and downs
Would I really need to pick them up
They said I have a choice 
But what differences does it make

 

Nights full of battling
Days full of never ending hectics 
A light at the end of the tunnel they said
But why am I still feeling this way
Build your resilience they said
But have they listen to what I have to say

 

It seems it will never end
Perhaps I have let them down
Perhaps I have made them frown
Kindly know that it was least of my intend
And I hope they will understand one day

 

Give me some time and space
Let me emo it through and do a reframe
Will it differ at the end of the day
Well, that is my life 
Not for them to dictate

 

ET

14.07.2019

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2020年 7月 16号 晴

Singapore weather has been quite enjoyable lately. With few doses of rain and sunshine, thankfully there is no haze though there were forest fires detected at the neighbouring country. I took time off from work on Tues and yesterday, managed to binch watch a local production "Code of Law- Final" via mewatch. Its pretty watchable I must say because the plot involved in Spore crimes and criminal laws. Derek, the Spore boy serial killer reprised by Mediacorp Actor Desmond Tan was totally breathtaking, having to watch what had happened to him since childhood I can't help but to empathise why he will commit what he did. Will Spore breed a serial killer? This link provided a systemic outlook if this would ever happen. I have always been very intrigue on criminology and criminal minds. If whatever research did on serial killers were of true. A person who was badly abuse since childhood will be more vulnerable than someone who is born into a affluent family and "an Authoritative parenting--- style a parenting style characterized by high responsiveness and high demands. Authoritative parents are responsive to the child's emotional needs while having high standards. They set limits and are very consistent in enforcing boundaries."

 

 

 

 

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2020年 7月 18号 晴

 

Dear Diary, had a brief discussion with a contact recently. Spoke about how cynical I am nowadays to categorize people I associated with. Basically we talked about how to cultivate meaningful human interrelationships and I bluntly told him that if no one has the time, effort and value that the other person has, I doubted the relationship will continued to flourish. I sensed that he was kind of in shock and I told him that it was extended from my life experiences in general. But I have to confess that not many people can walk into my life nowadays, to put it simply, I am selective. Yes, selective is the word. The only inner circle one has may not be their inner circle after all. I came across one article that talks about being comfortable alone and in solitude. An awesome narrative that trigger much thoughts and emotions in me. Why would I wish to be in a group of people who will just drain me off? I would rather pick up my packet of cigarettes and puff away all by myself then engaging into meaningless conversations or even worse gossips. Diary I know that there might be people out there would to disagree with me but to make all sense wise (not right) I think often I have to be frank and truthful about it.  My past workplace, church cell groups and even my extended families. So interestingly I came out with these few terms i.e. contacts, associates, fair weather friends, friends and inner circles to further categorize how much time and effort should I invest myself into all of them. So not many people can enter into my inner circles and even there were, they had already left some time ago due to deaths or other commitments on hand. But again people come and go, who knows those who may have disagree with me maybe subconscious filtering the people around them or they are being filtered as well? As I entered into my 42ish, I will see it as I entered the next phase of my life, mid life crisis? Hahaha, I have yet to overcome my quarter life crisis though. 

 

人生的下半场,要学会看淡 

Source: 

http://www.thevalue101.com/article.php?id=55571&fbclid=IwAR3gopj9MUS-4A-c06Hy5XCpwXgK1nG5Cl2WQbEQLiH7Y_L4qp4JCi_8-RE

亲疏随缘,爱恨随意。

以前的时候,总觉得一生很长,如今回过头看,兜兜转转,半生已过。

看过这么一段话,觉得挺有道理。

人生已过半,该走过的坎坷,也走过了;

该尝过的苦涩,也尝过了;该看清的人心,也看清了。

既然前半生里,我们已经尝遍了酸甜苦辣,看透了人情冷暖。

那么人生的下半场,很多的东西,我们都要学着看淡。

 

 

01

有些话听听就好,别当真。

最近刷朋友圈的时候,忽然想起我很久没有看到一位好友的动态了,以往她几乎每天都会发一两条朋友圈。

我点进她的个人相册,发现只剩下一条横线。

于是,我给她发了一条微信,结果显示,我不是对方的好友。

说实话,那一瞬间,有点惊讶,有点失落,但是仔细想想,我就释然了。

这位朋友是通过某一个作者群,加到我的微信的。

她看到我在各大平台发表的文章,经常会夸我,文章写得很好,有作家风范。

经过一段时间的交流,我们也渐渐熟稔起来。

有时候,她会找我帮她看稿子。

她也常常告诉我,她把我当成自己的榜样,甚至还说过,想要来我的城市见我。

没想到,时隔不到几个月,我们也还没有来得及见面,她就已经悄悄地把我删掉了。

或许人与人之间的相处,就是如此吧。

有时候,身边总有一些人,出于各种目的,又或者只是无意间的,会对我们说一些奉承或讨好的话。

如果我们把每一句话都当真,最终失望的只会是自己。

因为言语很轻,而人心难懂。

唯有时间,才能让我们真正看清一个人。

甜言蜜语说得再好听,阿谀奉承的话说得再诚恳,有时仅仅只是对方的一时兴起,却被我们当作走心的话,记住了很久。

殊不知,在这纷繁复杂的人世间行走,有些话听一听就好,没有必要当真。

唯有如此,才能在面对世事变迁,人走茶凉时,多一分坦然,少一分失望。

 

 

02

有些事知道就好,别拆穿。

知乎网友@旅行的熊猫君,讲过自己的一段亲身经历。

有一次他在外面办事,手机揣裤兜里忘了锁屏,无意间触碰到后,拨号打给了一个同事。

一般人接到一个电话的时候,如果对方一直不说话,基本都知道可能是误拨,挂掉就行,然而这个电话一直没有被挂掉。

他当天刚充了50元话费,但是后来却被通知电话欠费。

于是,他打给客服查询。

客服说,他跟一个号码持续通话了很久。

第二天,他找这个同事说了这件事。

没想到同事轻描淡写地说:“以为你有事嘛,又不说话,就把电话丢那了。”

我想,在那一刻,这位知乎网友肯定是有点心寒的。

这也让我想起朋友小磊,曾经和我说过的一件事。

他刚出来工作的那一年,在一家公司当实习生。

办公室里两位年纪比较大的同事,总是有意无意地挤兑他。

后来实习结束,老板有意想要留下他,他自己婉言拒绝了。

那两名背地里一直挤兑他的同事,却在老板面前说,我们也觉得很可惜,都挽留了他好几次,可他还是坚持要走。

生活中,总有一些事情,会让你在一瞬间看清,身边人的虚伪。

也会让你明白,原来不是所有的人,都能真正站在对方的角度,替别人着想。

年轻的时候,不管是喜欢一个人,还是讨厌一个人,我们都会写在脸上。

人到中年,我们的时间和精力都有限,没有必要浪费在一些不值得的人身上。

与其正面地去和对方起冲突,不如当作一场笑话,一笑而过。

当我们看透一个人的时候,只需要默默地从心底里远离就可以了。

有时候,看破不说破,看穿不拆穿,才是真正的大智慧。

 

 

03

有些人接触就好,别深交。

有人说:生活中有太多复杂的人和事,对着你笑的人有很多,但真心对你好的人却很少。

我们不能对谁都掏心掏肺,但我们要做到问心无愧。

电视剧《我是余欢水》中,余欢水有一个好兄弟吕夫蒙。

在他事业不景气时,余欢水瞒着妻子,把母亲留给他的钱,整整13万块都借给了他。

后来,余欢水想要买一辆车给妻子,于是找吕夫蒙要回借给他的钱。

可是吕夫蒙却一次次地忽悠他,先是让他带妻子去4S店看车,选好了他来付款。

当余欢水和妻子高高兴兴地选好了一辆车,吕夫蒙却消失了,电话也打不通。

后来吕夫蒙又骗他,说自己在非洲办画展,半个月才能回来。

当余欢水在大街上,撞见吕夫蒙揽着女朋友,大摇大摆地走在同个城市,谎言终于被戳穿。

可吕夫蒙却一脸嚣张地说:

“我就是要骗你,就是要撒谎,就是让你日子不好过!钱我会还给你,但是得看我心情。”

 

 

或许我们每个人都有过这样的经历,掏心掏肺地对一个人好,却换来了对方的狼心狗肺。

毫无保留地信任一个人,却被当成了傻子。

听过一段话说:

“有些人,只是点头之交,没必要掏心掏肺;

有些人,只是表面和善,没必要全抛一颗真心。”

 

我们难免要和形形色色的人打交道,但不是每个人都值得我们放在心上。

对那些虚情假意,两面三刀的人,接触过即可,无需深交。

我们的真心,要留给值得的人。

 

04

人生过半,学会看淡。

年轻的时候,我们都希望自己可以活得烈马青葱,敢爱敢恨。

如今见识过了风雨云烟,心态上也逐渐归于宁静。

走过了半生,也逐渐懂得了,这个世界上,不是所有的事情,都值得我们去较劲。

有些话,听一听就好,没必要当真;

有些事,心里明白足矣,没必要拆穿;

有些人,浅浅接触即可,没必要深交。

愿我们都能学会放下心中的执念,放下对一些人和一些事过高的期待。

往后余生,亲疏随缘,爱恨随意。

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2020年 7月 20号 晴

I am trying to engage someone who will help me arrange a melody piece recently. I am not musically inclined only in areas of singing and not musical instruments or reading musical notes. Always ask myself why was that so? I have picked up keyboard, guitar over my growing years but with little success. Coming from a more human service and social science background, there were alot of stories and narratives told to me over the years. Some had inspired me to pen their life challenges down in poems or lyrics form. There were moments where I wrote specifically of an experience or for someone e.g. X and Y.... most were pretty negative, I must admit, but somehow it has the carthatic effect as in like I expressed my sorrows through the limited Chinese and English language that I knew. Never in my life I will think that I will pen my emotions down in such forms. In the past while I was a Christian, I love reading the book of Psalms. It gave me a perspective of how David has lived through his time with him documenting down his love for God and not forgetting his struggles. Perhaps subconsciously I have been gearing myself towards David's way of expressions. 

 

I have always have pleasant impressions of musicians in general but my perspective changes when I have several unpleasant encounters with some musicians from the industry. One borrowed money and even spoke behind my back on my mental illness and sexual orientation. To cut the long story short, the struggle between balancing passion and profit became a theme for me for the entire 2019. As much as one can monetized their passion but what is enough, enough? i empathize with the fact that one has invested their monies in a certain trade but to exploit on an another person expenses seemed to be unwise. The arts and music industry hasn't been a primary focus in Spore. It is also consider not an essential services, but no one can refute that music and expressive arts do comfort one's soul and brings equilibrium to one's emotional and psychological wellbeing when often words in conversations couldn't express. My hope is for our state to realign their mindset on music and arts. A treatment that can bring healing and recovery other than using medications. Maybe through this, our artist in Spore will face lesser challenges bringing bacon and bread back home to their table. 

 

I know music and writings have supported me on my journey and struggles with my mental health / sexual orientation challenges, hoping the industry will gain more recognition and traction soon. 

Edited by amuse.ed
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@2030hrs

Written to all who had since returned to their sanctuary. 

 

行囊

那隐藏的过去 怎无法忘掉
只好把它收进行囊
记忆随着那行囊 四处游蕩
周游四海 不想回乡

 

钳制的情感 庸人自扰
夏日浮躁 枫叶轻飘 
樱花盛开 北风呼啸
尝试地把行囊扔掉
却无法自拔 继续把它受藏

 

人生浮沉谁知晓 
让四季抚平那优伤
清晨雨露洗净烦闷
太阳光线直射那宽阔大道

 

大海牵绊着孤单
沙洲越过了淡写轻描
心中充满着梦 满怀希望
踏上回乡的路上

 

--柚子

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2020年 7月 21号 晴

 

Dear Diary, the following link below was forwarded to me this morning via Whatsapp. It was an well acclaimed Hongkong movie that talks about two gays with different background coming together to face the reality while walking towards their last phase of their life. I have yet to watch it but had heard much about it. But with the new New Security laws imposed by China upon Hongkong, I doubted there will be such movies being produced anymore. This could possibly be the final one that will be produced by Hongkong. Back home in Singapore, negative portrayals of the gay community has never been positive, though I must admit that the mainstream media is showing the realities and to bring awareness, but these are really not justifiable reasons for them to do so. I mean we already have the reality check, just as the wound has healed it was being peeled again and splashed with salt that makes the sufferer even more in pain than ever.

 

I have no objections for media to have such storylines in their drama series but the least they can do is to show some wisdom and present the other side of the story, on how and why one person will be a pedophile or pursue what and why they pursue. There are already alot of negativity attached to homosexuality. All I hope for is to be present for my immediate families and my loved ones.... was that too much to ask for? Or all these while they have been feeling shameful for who I am? or what they have done to attribute for me to go the other path? No one can direct the path I take except for myself. For those who chose to get into a obligatory marriage and to fulfill their family legacy, good for them. But have they thought that their off springs may have similar challenges and struggles (especially homosexuality can also be inter-generational). Are they doing justice for their offsprings ? These are thoughts that will run periodically in my mind but as a survivor, I kept comforting myself that one day maybe just the day will come that no one really cares about my sexuality, marital status or mental illnesses but to treat me with high regards and with sincerity, authenticity, genuineness and empathy. Till the day comes, I shall continue to live and love my life.  

 

https://94itv.net/vod-play-id-47640-sid-1-nid-1.html

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2020年 7月 24 

Dear Diary, I had a rare vivid dream this morning involving with two people whom I know. Its interesting how this dream "was staged". To my best knowledge this two people may not know each other in reality but gotten pretty close in my dream. Without diving into details, somehow i find the dream quite intriguing.... like a pleasant affinity is going to happen soon between the both of them? I wonder has anyone in this world has encounter a situation whereby one will tend to bump into the same person almost every other day or weeks? I have been bumping into this person since 17 years old, we stayed in the same precinct and the last time we bumped into each other was just last week. And as years gone by we have knew each other as an aquantice and as years passes by we seem to get closer as friends. And interestingly he introduced me to another friend who I have acquainted with a year plus ago. Could all these be divine affinity or what? This is pretty mind blowing, if I connect the dots and piece the puzzle together, its still pretty unexplainable. Could it be the previous life I shared with this few particular person? And why am I only interested and felt a close affinity with certain environment settings and countries? I know of friends who go on annual pilgrimage to one or two specific countries. For me, Chinese and Peranakan lifestyle will stir my curiosity and interest. And if I have to choose between the East and West, my choice is always the first hence most comfortable language is in Mandarin instead of English or other foreign languages. Perhaps I could be from ancient China in my previous life and the people I met who shared similar interest, lifestyle or like minded were affiliated with me? Life is full of unknowns and mysteries. Or am I thinking and reading into too much? 😅 Happy weekend Diary and yes we are approaching Aug 2020. 

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2020年 7月 29 晴

Dear Diary, I dreamt and woke up at around 4.20am. There were two scenes and familiar faces. All were my ex working colleagues, most of them pose me much challenges while working with them. On the brighter side, their presence made me realise what type of personalities will tend to trigger me emotionally. So when I meet such personalities in the future I can use fight, flight, freeze, fawn to adapt accordingly. Over the years, fight and flight is not helpful for me because it comes with negative emotions so nowadays I will use freeze and fawn responses and a pinch of humour to communicate with work colleagues who I have challenges with.  I mean we are all born in different ecosystems, why and how a person will turn out to be who they are is beyond me but what n how I can manage and regulate are all within me. Perhaps the dream is also to tell me something, remember Diary that I dreamt of a herd of motorcycles were on fire and the interpretations mentioned that there were people in my life that I will need to forgive? I firmly believe this morning dream somehow summed it all. The people who have brought me challenges and I have subconsciously bore grudges with them. Forgiveness is the key here, to let go and relinquish are very tough, often I feel that I have forgiven but the universe has its way to alert me that there are still alot of things for me to reflect and have a closures with. I had pain in my neck for the past few weeks and I also believe that it could be forgiveness that I need to work on in order to relinquish the pain. Thank you Universe for showing me the way to relief those pains. 

 

Source: Internet "David Wolfe". 

https://www.davidwolfe.com/12-types-of-pain-linked-to-emotional-states/

 

ps: Met up with K and H for a meal last weekend, we spoke at great length what behold the future for we trio. I am delighted that both of them have found their calling and positioning in their career and moving on in greater might and perspectives. Though there were hiccups along the way but both of them handled it excellently well. Happy for them. 😆

Edited by amuse.ed
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