Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Too Wiggly and Limp

Grandpa and his 7-year-old grandson are gardening when to boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

“I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t,” says Gramps. “It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.” The kid runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board and proceeds to put it right back into the hole.

Grandpa hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, Grandpa comes out and hands the boy another five dollars. “Grandpa, you already paid me,” says the kid.

“I know. This is from your grandma.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Keep Them Fresh

Yo momma so nasty…

She gotta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh!

[worldangel]

Joke: Pesticide Condoms

One day a man goes to visit his doctor and asks, “Do you have any pesticide condoms?”

The doctor says, "You mean spermicidal?"

"No," the man says, "I mean pesticide because my wife has a bug up her ass and I’m going in after it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Incomplete Sentence

It was Memorial Day celebration, and the senator used the occasion to announce, “I am going to go to the presidential convention and run as a favourite son!”

Listening to the speech, one man said to another, “Did I miss something, or did that jerk forget to finish the sentence?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Several Times A Night

A researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy. He asked the man, “In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered ‘twice weekly.’ Your wife, on the other hand, answered ‘several times a night’.”

“That’s right,” replies the man, “And that’s how it’s going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off.”

[worldangel]

Joke: More Than I Intended

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewellery store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Identifying A Smart Ass

How can you identify a smart ass?

By his wise 'crack'!

[worldangel]

Joke: Mr. Jack Daniels

There are two women sitting around talking about their lovers. One woman says to the other, "I have three lovers and I have names them all after soda pop. The first one I named 7-up because he is seven inches long and always up. The second one I named Mountain Dew because when he mounts me, he knows what to do. The third one I named Jack Daniels."

The second woman is confused, and she says to the first woman, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda, it's a hard liquor."

The first woman says, “EXACTLY!

[worldangel]

Joke: The Wheelbarrow

After hearing a couple’s complaint that their intimate life wasn’t what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggests they vary their positions. “For example, “he says, “you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go.”

The eager husband is all for trying this new trick as soon as they get home.

“Well, okay,” the hesitant wife agrees, “but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you must stop right away. And second… you have to promise we won’t go past my parents’ house."

[worldangel]

Joke: It's Your Organ

While making love together for the first time Joe was furious when his girlfriend suddenly stopped and laid back.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Forgive me,” she said, “but it’s your organ. It just isn’t big enough."

“Excuse me!” Joe replied, “But it wasn’t meant to be played in a Cathedral!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Told You?

“Who,” raged the angry executive, “told you that just because I have kissed you a few times you could loaf around the office and neglect your work?”

“The company attorney,” answered his personal assistant.

[worldangel]

Joke: $500 on the Ground

This guy walking down the street when he ran into this pretty woman. He spoke. “I bet I can drop $500 on the ground and f**k you before you can pick it up.”

The woman calls her friend to tell her about it. The friend says, "Set him up, when he drops the money just pick it up and run!"

So the woman tells the guy, “The bet is on.” A few minutes go by, and the girl's friend calls her back to find out how did it go.

The woman says, “The asshole didn't tell me he had $500 in quarters.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Nice Big Breaths

A woman at the doctor’s office is being examined. The doctor listened to her chest with his stethoscope and said, "Nice big breaths."

She responded, "Thank you Doctor, but I wish you could have seen them when I was younger."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Women Are To Blame

Women are to blame for most of the lying men do…

Why do they insist on asking questions?

[worldangel]

Joke: We Get A Choice?

A man and a widow go to City Hall to get a marriage license.

While they are there, the clerk asks the woman if her previous marriage ended in death or divorce.

“I didn’t know I had a choice,” she replies.

[worldangel]

Joke: She Took An Umbrella

Yo momma so stupid…

She took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

[worldangel]

Joke: What I Can Do with My Hands

In Las Vegas, a man finds himself in a hotel. He didn't want to be alone in the room, so he calls a hooker. The hooker arrived and tells him, "I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that's for a hand job."

The hooker points out the window, and pointing to an expansive Mercedes says, "See that? I own that because of what I can do with my hands."

He was surprised, but figured what the hell so he did it anyway. Turned out to be best hand job ever! So, he asks, "How much do you get for pussy?"

Then the hooker replies, "Do you see the hotel sitting there on the corner? I could own that if I had a pussy!"

[worldangel]

Joke: My Husband Is a Racehorse

A man decides that he is a racehorse, so his wife puts him in the nuthouse. A few weeks late the doctor at the asylum calls the wife and tells her to come get her husband.

"Is he cured?" asks the wife.

The doctor says, “No, but he broke his leg today on the fifth race, so he is putting himself out to stud.”

[worldangel]

Joke: It's Not An STD

An old lady, who as still a virgin, is sitting at home when she gets a tingly feeling down there. She goes to a doctor and tells, "I got a tingly feeling. I am a virgin, so I know it’s not a STD. What could it be?"

The doctor checks her out and comes back and says, "I got some bad news, I don't know what's wrong with you."

She goes to a second doctor and tells him the same thing, "I got a tingly feeling. I am a virgin, so I know it’s not a STD. What could it be?"

The doctor checks her out and comes back in and says, "I got some bad news, your cherry is rotten, and you got fruit flies!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Swimming In Your Toilet

A sign seen at a swimming pool:

We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool!

[worldangel]

Joke: It's A Long Distance

One sperm says to another, "How long will it take to get to the egg?"

The other sperm replies, "Quite a while, we have to pass the tonsils first!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Honey, I Must Confess

The new bride turned to her husband as they entered the bridal suite of the hotel. “Honey,” she said, “I must confess that I haven’t any idea what to do tonight.”

“Dear,” her husband snickered, “you are putting me on!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Going Down In Flames

A pilot is having dinner with a brunette and when they finish, they head to a hotel. He calls room service and asks for a bottle of red wine. When it arrives, he opens the bottle and puts some of the wine on the brunette’s lips and then starts kissing her. She asks what he’s doing, and he replies, “When I have read meat, I must have red wine.”

“Ooohh,” she says. A little later he calls room service again and orders some white wine. It arrives in a few moments, and he begins to splash it on the girl's breasts and then starts kissing them. She asks what the white wine is for, and he replies, “When I have white meat, I must have white wine.”

“Ooohh, she says. Eventually, he works his way down, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff, and lights it on fire. “Aahhh! Why the hell did you do that?" she yells.

“When I go down, I want to go down in flames!” he replies.

[worldangel]

Joke: In A Pair of Men's Pants

How many animals can you fit in a pair of men's pants?

One cock, two bulls, and as many hares as you like.

[worldangel]

Joke: Cover Your Camel

Two elderly ladies walked out from their house to smoke a cigarette. It started to rain. So one lady pulled out a condom, cut the tip off, and put it on her cigarette.

The other said that’s a good idea. So she went to the store and asked for a condom. The store clerk asked what size.

She replied, "One that fits a camel."

[worldangel]

Joke: Where Is Her Heart

A ninety-year-old woman decides that she’s seen and done everything, and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she comes to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method is to shoot herself through the heart.

The trouble is she isn’t certain about exactly where her heart is, so she phones her doctor and asks him. He tells her that her heart is located two inches above her left nipple.

So she shoots herself in the left kneecap.

[worldangel]

Joke: In A Pair of Men's Pants

How many animals can you fit in a pair of men's pants?

One cock, two bulls, and as many hares as you like.

[worldangel]

Joke: Going Down In Flames

A pilot is having dinner with a brunette and when they finish, they head to a hotel. He calls room service and asks for a bottle of red wine. When it arrives, he opens the bottle and puts some of the wine on the brunette’s lips and then starts kissing her. She asks what he’s doing, and he replies, “When I have read meat, I must have red wine.”

“Ooohh,” she says. A little later he calls room service again and orders some white wine. It arrives in a few moments, and he begins to splash it on the girl's breasts and then starts kissing them. She asks what the white wine is for, and he replies, “When I have white meat, I must have white wine.”

“Ooohh, she says. Eventually, he works his way down, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff, and lights it on fire. “Aahhh! Why the hell did you do that?" she yells.

“When I go down, I want to go down in flames!” he replies.

[worldangel]

Joke: No Talking During Sex

Why do blondes not talk during sex?

They were told not to talk to strangers.

[worldangel]

Joke: Let Me See Your Hands

A man told his wife he would be home before midnight. He stopped at a bar and had a couple of beers. He saw these hot looking women and spent a few hours together with them.

When the man realized what time it was, he asked the woman for some baby powder. He rubbed some on his hands and left. When he got home, his wife asked where all night had been.

The man said, "I had a couple of drinks, had sex with two beautiful women, and came home to go to bed."

The wife asked to see his hands and said, "Damn it, you were out bowling again!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Best Sex I Ever Had

A farmer and his wife were outside in their field and saw a spaceship land. Out of this spaceship came two strange creatures and one said, "Hello earthlings, we are here to find out about your human sex life. Will you swap partners with us for a day?"

The farmer and his wife agreed. The next morning, the farmer asked his wife, "What happened?"

His wife replied, "It was the best sex I ever had! When he turned his left ear, his dick grew to 16 inches long, and when he turned his right ear, it grew as fat as a sausage.”

Then the farmer screamed, "Well no wonder that bitch tried to rip my ears off!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra for a Broken Toe

A tourist was hiking through the backcountry when he stubbed his toe hard. It immediately started bleeding, swelling, and aching terribly. He returned to the nearest small town and searched for a doctor. The doctor said, "Well, we're a very small town and my hospital isn't equipped to do the surgery that toe requires, and the bus won't be through here until tomorrow to take you out."

The tourist begged for some relief from the pain, so the understanding doctor offered him a pill. "What's this? My toe is broken, and you offer me a Viagra? What good will that pill do?"

Smiling, the doctor reassured him, “Take it before you go to bed and it will keep the blankets off your toe so you can sleep."

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Like Air

Sex is like air…

It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

[worldangel]

Joke: A Donkey And An Onion

What do you get when cross a donkey with an onion?

An ass that brings tears to your eyes!

[worldangel]

Joke: Go Get Your Maw

A rural family took a vacation to big city. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Wages of Sin

The wages of sin are high…

Unless you know someone who will do it for nothing.

[worldangel]

Joke: This Looks Like Yours

A man staggers into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Doctor asks, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was playing golf with my wife when we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows. I found one stuck in a cow’s fanny. I yell to my wife, 'this looks like yours.' I don't remember much after that."

[worldangel]

Joke: Words in My Mouth

There was a guy that got married and decided to get a tattoo on his penis. The tattoo he got said "I LOVE YOU".

A couple of days later his wife tells him she wants a divorce, and he asks why?

Then she said, "Because you're putting words into my mouth!"

[worldangel]

Joke: When She Wears Heels

Yo Momma is so fat…

When she wears high heels, she strikes oil!

[worldangel]

Joke: Rectum Stretcher

Early one morning, a rookie cop was on radar duty under a bridge. He observed a red Corvette traveling at a ridiculous speed. Upon pulling the car over he asked the driver, " What's the hurry, Buddy?"

The driver calmly replied, " I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah, what exactly do you do?" asked the cop.

"I’m a Rectum Stretcher," the driver says. "I stick one finger in the rectum, wriggle it around, and then when it's stretched large enough I move on to two fingers and so on until I make the rectum about 6 feet."

"What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass?” the cop inquired.

"Well, apparently you give him a radar gun and tell him to hide under a bridge...

[worldangel]

Joke: Not A Place for Spills

This is a place to spill your guts....

Not a place to bust your nuts.........

So keep it nice and keep it neat......

And find another place to beat your meat!

[worldangel]

Joke: Definition of Macho

What is the definition of macho?

Jogging home after a vasectomy.

[worldangel]

Joke: Put It Back There

A robber walks into a store. He waits until he is alone in the store with the manager. Then pulls out a gun. “Okay,” he says, pointing the pistol at the trembling man, “go over to the cash register and give me all the money.

“All right,” says the man, “All right. I’ll do anything you say. Just please don’t hurt me.”

After the manager has emptied the cash register the crook says, “Okay, pull your pants down and bend over.”

“Oh, no,” says the man, “not that!"

"Just do it,” says the robber. The manager drops his pants, and the crook proceeds to have his way with him. When the robber is finished, he tells the man to turn around. The thief says, “Okay, just one more thing before I leave. Give me a blowjob.”

“No! No! Please, not that! Oh please, no!”

The crook puts the gun to the man’s temple and says, “Do it.” So the guy gets down on his knees and begins giving the robber a blowjob. After a few minutes the thief starts getting carried away and starts moaning and waving his hands around in the air above his head.

The manager suddenly stops and says to the crook, “Say, could you please put than gun back up to my head in case one of my friends walks in?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Windows Open at Night

"My dad says that when we sleep at night, we should have all the windows open."

"And what's your dad's job? Is he a doctor?"

"No, he's a thief.

[worldangel]

Joke: Give Your Best Friend A Call

Two friends are having drinks and talking about their vivid dreams. “Last night,” says the first man, “I dreamt I was playing a round of golf at Augusta. It was a gorgeous day, and I was shooting the round of my life.”

“That’s amazing,” the second man says. “Last night I dreamt I was in bed with two women.”

“What!” his friend cries, “You had two women, and you didn’t even give your best friend a call?”

“I did,” explains the second man, “but your wife told me you were out golfing.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Lousy Lover

The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, “You know, you are a lousy lover!”

The husband replies, “How would you know after only thirty seconds?

[worldangel]

Joke: Cold but No Shrinkage

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and get separated. When they run into each other later the first old lady says, "Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second lady replies, "Yes! I was shocked! How can they display such a thing. My gosh, the penis on it was so large."

And the first old lady blurts out, "AND COLD TOO!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I'll Show You My Battle Scar

It was a surprise party for one of the girls in the office who was leaving to get married. Most of the other girls wanted to know if the prospective groom was a man of means.

“Well,” said the bride-to-be, “he surprised me by saying we were going to spend our honeymoon in France.”

The gals tittered excitedly. “How did he spring it on you?” they asked anxiously.

“Well, we were discussing it,” she replied, “When he said as soon as we were married, he would show me where he was wounded in the war.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Did You Do That?

A woman was talking to her husband and tells him, "Guess what? Today I spent 150 dollars on bras."

He looks around as if confused. “Why did you do that, you are practically flat,” he responded.

With her hands on her hips and aggravation in her voice, she said, “In that case, why do you buy trousers?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Let's Track Her Down

A cannibal father and son were walking through the jungle when they saw a pretty and naked blond run by.

The son said, "Dad, let's track her down, kill her, and then and eat her!"

The dad replied, "No, let's track her down, take her home, and then eat your mother!"