Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Their Genitals Are Where?

“It’s common knowledge,” said the zoology student, “that elephants have their genital in their feet.”

“Really?” said the professor.

“Absolutely,” smiled the pupil. “If they step on you, you are fucked!”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Every Time I Sneeze

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a flight. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

[worldangel]

Joke: I Wish It Was Beer

Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favourite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews.

Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble. Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it. Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish."

Tony thought for a second and said, "I wish this whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favourite brew.

Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said, "You asshole, now we have to in the boat!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Come Closer and Drop Your Pants

Come closer to me…

Drop your pants...

Sit on me...

Don’t leave me until you are completely satisfied!

Yours sincerely,

The toilet

[worldangel]

Joke: A Hold Of My Privates

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Her Yellow Jogging Suit

Yo momma's so fat…

When she put on a yellow jogging suit and ran down the street, all the kids yelled, "Here comes the school bus!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Ladies Who Lived In A Shoe

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe...

She had so many kids, she didn't know what to do!

There was another old lady that lived in a shoe...

She didn't have any kids, she KNEW what to do!

[worldangel]

Joke: Kiss on the Butt Cheek

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So, the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret.

After the surgery was complete, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Virgin No More

The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give their daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the train station, after her first semester away at college, farmer Hinds was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered confidentially, “I have a confession to make. Pa, I ain’t a virgin no more.”

The old man shook his head sadly, “After all the sacrifices your Ma and I made to give you a good education, you still say ‘ain’t!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Pool Ball Incident

A guy walks into a bar with a pet monkey. The monkey begins running around and jumps onto a pool table and swallows one of the pool balls whole. The bartender/owner sees this just as it is happening. Furious he makes the man and his monkey leave.

A few weeks later, the same man and his monkey walk into the same bar. The bartender, not paying attention as he is talking with one of his regulars, sees the monkey just as it jumps onto the bar, takes a peanut out of the bowl, inserts it into its behind, pulls it back out, then eats it.

The bartender, angry yet curious, again tells the man to leave. As the man is leaving, the bartender asks the man, "Hey buddy, why did your monkey do that with the peanut?"

The man replied, "Well, ever since he passed that pool ball, he measures everything before he eats it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Witches and Panties

Why don't witches wear panties?

To get a better grip on the broom.

[worldangel]

Joke: How Many Can You Fit?

How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?

Fifteen... 10 little pigs, 2 calves, an ass, a beaver, and a fish that nobody can find!

[worldangel]

 

Joke: What Are Politics?

Little Johnny was watching tv and he heard people talking about politics. So, he asked his dad, "What are politics?”

The dad says, "Johnny, let me tell you what politics are in my own words. Since I am the breadwinner of the family, I am the capital. Since mommy deals with all the bills and taxes, she is the government. Nanny is the working class since she takes care of you. You are the people and your little brother Danny is the future."

Then Johnny goes off and that night he hears Danny crying. So he goes in the room and notices that he pooped in his pants. Then he goes to his mom's room and she is ignoring him and telling him to go back to bed. So then he goes to the nanny’s room and finds his dad screwing her, so he leaves them alone and just forgets about Danny's poop in his pants.

The next morning Johnny tells his dad what politics are in his own words. "Daddy, Daddy, I understand completely what politics are now. When the government is ignoring the people, the Capitol is screwing the working class and the future is deep in crap!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Would You Mind Talking to Me?

A guy walks up to a beautiful girl in a supermarket says, "Excuse me, but I seemed to have lost my girlfriend. Would you mind standing here and talking to me for a few minutes?"

The girl replies, "I guess, but I don't see how that would help any?"

The guy answers, "Well, you see, every time I meet a beautiful woman with boobs like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Enjoys Sex More

A man and a woman are having some drinks and they get into a discussion about who enjoys sex more. The man says, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”

“That does not prove anything,” says the woman. “Think about this; when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Country Border

"Why don’t you smile?” the teacher asked little Peter.

“I didn’t have any breakfast,” little Peter replied.

“You poor dear,” said the teacher. “But to return to our geography lesson, Peter... where is the Canadian border?”

“In bed with my Mom – that’s why I didn’t have breakfast!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Walk Tall

It was the foreigner’s first time at a baseball game. His friend cheered wildly each time a batter came to the plate, and after a while the foreigner cheered as well.

After Vinnie DiFate had had his turn at bat, the foreigner shouted, “Run, Vinnie, run!”

“No,” his friend said, “Vinnie has four balls, so he walks.”

Eyes wide, the foreigner yelled, “Walk tall, Vinnie! Walk tall!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Take Out Your Equipment

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

"1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly."

She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the outhouse door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."

She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5.

[worldangel]

Joke: Mixed Emotions

What is the definition of mixed emotions?

Watching your mother-in-law go off the cliff in your brand new Lexus.

[worldangel]

Joke: A New Pair

NIKE just came out with a new pair of trainers aimed towards the lesbian demographic.

They come with an extra long tongue and you can get them off with one finger.

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing Second Fiddle

The husband was angry when he found out that his wife had been cheating on him. He shouts at her, “I will play second fiddle to no one!"

She replies, "Second fiddle? You're lucky you're still in the band!"

[worldangel]

Joke: An Alcoholic Narcissist

What did the self-loathing alcoholic narcissist say?

"I'm gonna drink until I look good!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Good Little Soldier

The stylish dressed young man swayed into the Army recruiting office and enlisted.

After subjecting the man to an extensive physical and psychological examination, one of the board members declared, “Well, fella, it looks to me like you are going to make a good little soldier.”

“Fabulous,” replied the young man. “When can I meet him?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Charge You Fifty Bucks

After stopping his car on a deserted section of town, the young man turned to his date and made some rather expected advances.

“Just a minute,” the girl said, pushing him away. “I’m really a prostitute and I have to charge you fifty dollars.” After he unwillingly paid her, they made love. Later, the man sat silently at the wheel. “Aren’t we leaving?” the girl asked.

“Not quite yet,” the young man said. “I’m really a cabdriver and the fare back is fifty dollars.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Sit With My Wife

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Ladder to Suc-cess

A man was walking through a park one day when he stumbles across a ladder leading up into the clouds. Curious, he climbs the ladder and finds himself on a cloud with a fat woman. "Screw me or keep climbing the ladder to success," she said.

Not really interested in the fat woman, the man kept on climbing till he reached the second cloud. On this cloud was an average looking woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success."

Interested, the man decided to climb even higher to a cloud where he found a sexy lady lying on a cloud. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said.

Wondering how much better this could get the man climbed even higher until he reached the next cloud to find, to his surprise, a large fat man. "Hello, hello, I'm Cess!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Jacks Are Wild

Reminiscing with her girlfriend about their childhood, the young woman asked, “Did you ever play with jacks?”

“Oh, yes,” her friend replied. “And with Johnny’s and Tommy’s, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Doomed by the Ice Cream Truck

A woman hears that her 98-year-old grandfather has died, and journeys to see her grandmother. After the funeral, she asks, "How did it happen, Granny?"

"Well, dear, it happened while we were making love one Sunday morning."

"My goodness, Granny, two people almost 100 years old shouldn't be having sex!" the granddaughter exclaims.

Her grandmother replies, "Well, dear, it's really a matter of patience and timing. You see, we pace ourselves to the sound of the church bells down the street. In with the ding, out with the dong... and we were doing fine until that dammed ice cream truck came by!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hair On Your Twinkie

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut.

As she eats a snack cake, the barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I’m going to get boobs too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sweetie, I'll Be Right Over

Kathleen gets out of bed, throws on her robe and slippers, uncovers the parrot, pulls up the shades, opens the window, puts on the coffee, and sits down to read the paper.

The phone rings. A man’s voice says with anticipation, “Sweetie, I just flew in from London I’ll be right over.”

She puts down the paper, turns off the coffee, closes the windows, pulls down the shades, covers the parrot, takes off her robe and slippers, and gets back into bed."

The parrot says, “Damn! That was a short day.”

[worldangel]

Joke: When You Croak

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no. Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World."

[worldangel]

Joke: Future Son-In-Law

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beer and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, "Let's get you to the hospital."

As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, "Where are you and dad going?" The mother then explained what happened. The boyfriend then asked if he could try to dislodge it.

The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, "Our daughter's boyfriend is intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up?"

The father replied, "By the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."

[worldangel]

Joke: May I See Your Ticket

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Children In the Back Seat

Children in the back seat of the car cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat of the car cause children.

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Green Balls

What power do you have with two little green balls in your hand?

Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.

[worldangel]

Joke: It's For My Schnauzer

Frank’s neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. The problem was hair in the ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady went to the drug store and got some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Like My Toast Like My Men

A very nervous young interviewee was asked to meet her interviewer at a local restaurant for breakfast, while they discussed her abilities to perform a particular job.

Upon ordering some eggs and toast, the anxious young woman requested that her toast be well done. The waitress asks, "You want it burnt?"

The interviewee replies, "Well, I like my toast like I like my men."

The waitress replies, "A little dark?"

Embarrassed, the nervous applicant blurted out, "Well, I don't care about that. I just don't like it to go limp when I put it in my mouth."

She was hired on the spot.

[worldangel]

Joke: Mad Cow

A man and his wife go to a restaurant. The waiter goes to their table and asks for their order. The man says, “I’ll have a steak, and make it really rare.”

“But, sir, what about the mad cow?” asked the waiter.

The man replied, “Oh! She’ll order herself.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Do You Do Casual?

Do you go for casual sex?

Or should I dress up?

[worldangel]

Joke: Perks of a BJ

What’s the best thing about a blowjob?

Ten minutes of silence.

[worldangel]

Joke: Crushed Nuts?

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

[worldangel]

Joke: I Don't Know Her Size

At a boutique this customer asks, “My wife needs a bra but I don't know her size.”

The sales clerk says, “Touch mine and try to calculate.”

The man replies, "By the way. I forgot she also needs panties.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Your Best Friends

Every weekend before she went out on a date, the young girl was told by her mother, “Remember, dear, when he tries to touch you a certain way, a girl’s best friends are her legs.”

Much to her mother’s dismay, however, several weeks later her daughter announced that she was pregnant.

“What! How did it happen? Didn’t I tell you that your best friends are your legs?”

“You did, Mama,” she replied. “But there comes a time when even best friends must part.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cavity Search Request

A Police officer asked a stupid criminal why he requested a body cavity search when he was arrested.

The criminal replied, "Cause that way I can't be fingered in a line up!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cavity Search Request

A Police officer asked a stupid criminal why he requested a body cavity search when he was arrested.

The criminal replied, "Cause that way I can't be fingered in a line up!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Like A Bank

Why are men like money in the bank?

Because first they put it in, then they take it out, and then they lose interest.

[worldangel]

Joke: Go Away Fido

One day a man was eating dinner at his girlfriend’s parents. The dog was under his chair and it barked while he was holding in a fart. This startled the man and caused him to rip a small fart.

The mom said, "Fido!" Since the dog was receiving the blame he decided to rip a huge one, and again the mother said, "Fido! Go Away!”

Seeing as the dog was continuing to receive the blame he let out a wet, loud, and/or possibly deafening fart. Then his girlfriend said, “Fido, you heard mom, leave before he shits on you!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Anything In Your Hand?

My goodness! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. "I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit. And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Politics

 

Son: “Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.”

Dad: “Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?”

Son: “Forget it, there seem to be too many requirements.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Witchy Woman

 

Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.

Wife: I am coming with the broom.

Husband: It’s not urgent. You can come on foot.