Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

The 30,000^th posts

 

Joke: An elderly couple is vacationing …..

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over. "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and down and says, "Sam, what's different? It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!"

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why it’s hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

Bessie replies, "Should have bought a hat, Sam!"

[worldangel]

The 30,001^st posts

 

Joke: The phone rings and the lady of the house …..

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

[worldangel]

 Joke: An older man walks into Murphy’s Pub

An older man walks into Murphy's Pub with three women and announces, "I'll give any man a sovereign to marry my 20-year old daughter, I'll give you ten sovereigns to marry my 30-year old daughter, and to marry my 40-year old daughter, I'll give you a hundred sovereigns!"

At first there was nothing but silence, until a voice from the back of the room said, "Have you got a daughter about 80?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: An 87-year old man is celebrating ……….

An 87-year old man is celebrating his birthday with all the members of his family at the Old Folks Home when in walks a Kissagram Lady.

 

She walks sexily up to the old Guy and announces that she is going to give him Super Sex.

The old man looks shocked, but replies " Would you mind if I only had the soup"!!

[worldangel]

 Joke: Recently a teacher, a garbage ...

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[worldangel]

Joke: Growing Wild

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The will to live

A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".

The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Minor operation

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.

 

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.

 

When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

[worldangel]

Joke: Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database.

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.
"Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.
Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Brad, open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"

"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!"

"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"

"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues...
Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A gynecologist who had lost in...

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school.

He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade.

"I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly -- and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."

[worldangel]

Joke: Child Custody

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Give him an orange

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Ho Ho Ho!

Little Johnny's mother took him to a local department store one morning to see Santa.

As Little Johnny was approaching, Santa asked, "And what do you want for Christmas little boy?"

He followed that up with a laughter of, "Ho, Ho, Ho!"

Little Johnny replied, "Well that's mighty generous of you Santa, but one 'HO' will do me just fine!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: First Child?

The Emergency Operator takes a call from a very agitated young man. "Send help fast!" he yells, "Her contractions have started. The baby's coming hurry, hurry!"

The operator says, "Sir, you must calm down. I have to get some information."

"Okay, okay," shouts the man, "just hurry!"

"That's better," says the operator. "Tell me now, is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot!" screams the man. "This is her husband!"

[worldangel]

Joke: In The Army Now
 

Drill Sergeant (speaking to new recruit having difficulty): "What was your occupation before enlisting in the army?"

Recruit: "Traveling salesman, sir."

Drill Sergeant: "Stick around, you'll get plenty of orders around here!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: CTC Long Distance
 

Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint.

"I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one.

"CTC? Who are they?"

"You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Needle In A Haystack
 

Little Johnny was spending a week on his Uncle Pete's farm and was helping with the chores. One day he was helping the farm hands to spread out a stack of hay to dry out.

Finally Little Johnny could contain his curiosity no longer so he asked, as he was wiping his brow, "Uncle Pete, is it a needle in a haystack we're looking for?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Like A News Bulletin

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighbourhood bar. "What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

[worldangel]

Joke: Let's Kill the Pig

The old farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge to the pigpen when his wife longingly recalled that the next week would be their golden wedding anniversary.

“Let’s have a party, Joe,” she said. “Let’s kill the pig.”

Joe scratched his head. “Gee, Philomena,” he finally said, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Better Health Plan

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Build-up Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Three Sectors of Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. The devil explains that there are three sectors in hell, and that the man gets to choose where he would like to spend eternity.

 

First, the man sees many people standing on their heads in fire. Their screams convince him that he does not want to be there.

Second, the man sees many people standing on their heads in ice. Their pleading eyes convince him that his cold nature could not stay there.

 

Third, the man sees many people standing around ankle deep in horse manure and drinking coffee. He tells the devil that he could adjust to the smell and that he liked coffee. So, the man chose the third sector for eternity.

As the door slammed shut, the man heard an announcement, "Coffee break is over, everybody stands on your head!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A farmer walked into a bar and...

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.

"What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.

"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!

But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down."
"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Offer, Retracted.

A good-looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey. He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend. He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman's phone number.

Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It reads:

"Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you're not getting anything from me."

The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response. He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out:

"Actually, I only have about $300k in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I'm driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence.

But If you think I'm cutting off two inches for you, you can fxck right off."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Guys In A Bar...

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your grandma's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your grandma, and it was suh-weeeet!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "And your grandma liked it!!"

Finally the guy interrupts ..."Go home, Grandpa, you're drunk."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Problem With Women

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"

"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please--break my arms!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother: "When I was your age, ….

Mother: "When I was your age, my mother used to hide money around the house for me that I would find only if I performed my chores particularly well. One time when I was cleaning out the cupboards for her, I found $20 under the old shelf paper."

Daughter: "Wow! What a cool idea! Why didn't you ever do that with me?"
Mother: "But my dear ... I have been."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex and athletics....

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: An investment counselor decided...

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
 

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Computer Flatlined..

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror.

"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Overly suspicious

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A man was walking down the street...

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Five Without Any Problems

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

[worldangel]

Joke: It's all in the marketing...

An inter-office softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.

To show just how the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2000 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, winning only one game."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Shut Up and Trouble were walking ...

Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?"
He answered, "Shut Up."

He asked again "What's your name?"
"Shut Up."
The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"
"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."

[worldangel]

Joke: After meeting with the boss, the head ….

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops.
"People," he said, "I've just been informed that we're going to be having a fire sale."

"A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell insurance."
"I said a fire sale, and I meant it," he replied rather coldly. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired...."

[worldangel]

 Joke: It seems a farm boy accidentally ...

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn.

 

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."

[worldangel]

Joke: I Sing Beautifully

During tryouts for one of the chorus positions in the upcoming musical The Sound of Music, one of the girls told the judges, "Mother says I sing beautifully."

The judge replied, "Bring me a recommendation from your neighbors and I'll give you a tryout."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Another wife?

At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.

"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'

"But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?"

One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"

[worldangel]

Joke: When Did You Start?

As they were undressing in the locker room prior to a vigorous racquetball match, Dan was surprised to see John slip off a pair of women’s panties.

“Say, old shoe,” he said, “I hope you don’t think I’m being too personal, but, when did you start wearing ladies’ underwear?”

Dan replied, “Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One Monday morning a postman is ...

One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the postman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'Who Am I.'"

The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bend It In Half

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

[worldangel]

Joke: You're Looking Pretty Skinny

Two crocodiles that haven't seen each other for a while run into each other in the Ottawa river.

One says to the other, "You're looking pretty skinny, what are you eating?"

The other replies, "There's not much to eat but politicians, and once you shake the shit out of them, all there is left is a briefcase and an asshole."

[worldangel]

Joke: Waiting for love

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mr. Johnson was overweight, so...

Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

He said, I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds

When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped almost twenty pounds.

Why, that’s amazing! the doctor told him. You did this just by following my instructions?

The slimmed down Mr. Johnson nodded. I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.

From hunger, you mean.

No, replied Mr. Johnson, from skipping.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Marriage Problems

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”

The wife said, “Seven weeks.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Patient:" I'm in a hospital!

Patient:" I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?"
Doctor: "You've had an accident involving a bus."

Patient: "What happened?"
Doctor: "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them."

Patient: "That's terrible! What's the good news?"
Doctor: "There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers."

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm gonna have one....

There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods."

The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!" The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!"

The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid."

The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.

Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and is getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up, but tonight I'm gonna have one."


The bartender hears this and says, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up! But tomorrow I'm going to sneak a quick one."

The businessman then says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a pea in 6 years"

The bartender jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Nursery school teacher says to...

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

[worldangel]

Joke: A little boy asked his teacher...

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand.' The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'

He was then sent to the principal’s office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.'

So, the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.'

Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'
And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fifty years from now....

Three elderly people were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first man.

"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'"

Turning to the third one, a lady, he asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"

"Me?" the third one replied. "I want them to say, 'She certainly looks good for her age.'"