Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: The Kids Are Coming  

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin you day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery are enough".

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand each other any longer," the old man said. "We are are sick and tired of each other, and I am sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her." He hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck, they're not going to divorce!" she shouts. "I'II take care of this". She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother and we'll both be there tomorrow morning. Until then don't do anything. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turn to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they are coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cold But No Shrinkage

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and get separated. When they run into each other later the first old lady says, "Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second lady replies, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such thing. My gosh, the penis on it was so large."

And the first old lady blurts out, "AND COLD TOO!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Newly Married couples

 

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

 

"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison."

 

And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

 

Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

 

The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.

 

The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sandwich

 

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00."

 

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

 

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am."

 

The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two cowboys

 

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position.

 

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy.

 

"What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

[worldangel]

Joke: Premature ejaculation

 

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

 

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position.

 

The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.

 

The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

[worldangel]

Joke: Car Insurance

I renewed my car insurance over the phone today, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.

I said, "Yes, I’ve got a dog."

She asked, "Would you like to insure him too?"

I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Going Courtin'
 

Pappy sees Little Johnny walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"

The Johnny smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."

The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."

"Sure Pa, I know," Johnny said, "and look what you got!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Egg Breakfast In the Morning
 

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.

  He walks in and she says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

  He says, "What's going on?"

  She says, "The egg timer is broken."

[worldangel]

Joke: Words In My Mouth 

There was a guy that got married and decided to get a tattoo on his penis. The tattoo he got said "I LOVE YOU".

A couple of days later his wife tells him she wants a divorce and he asks why?

Then she said, "Because you're putting words into my mouth!"

[worldangel]

Joke: One day ……..

 

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.

 

One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked.

 

The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.

 

Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Typical macho man

 

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.

 

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

 

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

[worldangel]

Joke: An overweight guy

 

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

 

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

 

As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.

 

The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still, he signs up.

 

The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grown hair

 

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

 

Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair."

 

The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair."

 

Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three guys

 

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

 

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

 

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

 

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Door bell

 

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper.

 

“Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.”

 

“What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

 

Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You explain the kids

 

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex.

 

He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue.

 

One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo.

 

She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

[worldangel]

Joke: An old couple

 

There was an old couple laying in bed.

 

The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Christmas Eve

 

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on, that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked.

 

She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?"

 

"Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Year!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm An Inspector  

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover "into the closet!” and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and then replied... "Those little bastards!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Imagine the Fix  

“I have nine children and I’ve just found out my husband has never really loved me,” said the distraught woman to her lawyer.

“There, there, my dear,” said the lawyer, trying to reassure her. “Just imagine the fix you would be in today if he had."

[worldangel]

Joke: Those Aren't Crickets  

As the young couple parked in a crowded lover’s lane, she sighed, “It’s lovely out here tonight, just listen to the crickets.”

“Those aren’t crickets,” her date replied. “They’re zippers.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Acute Sense of Observation -

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear."

Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

"Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Who Needs Two?  

"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"

"I used two fingers."

"What for?"

"I needed a second opinion."

[worldangel]

Joke: Condoms

 

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves.

 

The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry.

 

She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday

 

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped."

 

His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

 

The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cucumber

 

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem.

 

The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red."

 

The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red.

 

The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cherry Hill

 

The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?"

 

He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill."

 

Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kevin, where have you been?" Kevin replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, "Hi there, what's your name?"

 

The girl replied, "Cherry Hill."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The three brothers

 

Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night.

 

He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 daughters."

 

The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig." The second man said ,"I slept like a cow." The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Pharmacist

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cover Your Camel

Two elderly ladies walked out from their house to smoke a cigarette. It started to rain. So, one lady pulled out a condom, cut the tip off, and put it on her cigarette.

The other said that’s a good idea. So she went to the store and asked for a condom. The store clerk asked what size.

She replied, "One that fits a camel."

[worldangel]

Joke: Honey, I Must Confess

The new bride turned to her husband as they entered the bridal suite of the hotel. “Honey,” she said, “I must confess that I haven’t any idea what to do tonight.”

“Dear,” her husband snickered, “you are putting me on!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Going Down In Flames

A pilot is having dinner with a brunette and when they finish, they head to a hotel. He calls room service and asks for a bottle of red wine. When it arrives, he opens the bottle and puts some of the wine on the brunette’s lips and then starts kissing her. She asks what he’s doing and he replies, “When I have read meat, I must have red wine.”

“Ooohh,” she says. A little later he calls room service again and orders some white wine. It arrives in a few moments and he begins to splash it on the girl's breasts and then starts kissing them. She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, “When I have white meat, I must have white wine.”

“Ooohh, she says. Eventually, he works his way down, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff, and lights it on fire. “Aahhh! Why the hell did you do that?" she yells.

“When I go down, I want to go down in flames!” He  replies leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

[worldangel]

Joke: Just homesick

 

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

 

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

 

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."

 

The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."

[worldangel]

Joke: Yours is better

 

Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that."

 

The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "You know? Your wife IS better."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Going into labour

 

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labour. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.

 

They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.

 

The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says: he still can't feel anything.

 

The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born.

 

The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

[worldangel]

Joke: Honeymoon

 

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.

 

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

 

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry."

 

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[worldangel]

Joke: "What was the problem?"

 

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count.

 

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

 

The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So, my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing.

 

The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At The Zoo
 

A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.

“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”

“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.

“…Which bus would I take home?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Forgotten How To Stop
 

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space.

Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.

"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.

She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Forgotten How To Stop
 

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space.

Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.

"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.

She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Slow: School Crossing
 

A farmer lived on a quiet, rural highway. As time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six chickens a day.

 

A call to the sheriff resulted in signs being put up near the farmer's land that said "Slow: School Crossing." Chickens were still being run over. The sheriff had the signs changed to say "Slow: Children at Play." Again no change.

"Look, your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?" asked the farmer. The Sheriff agreed. Three weeks later, the Sheriff decided to see if the new sign was working because he had not received anymore complaints. Upon close inspection, the sheriff saw the new sign that was making a difference. Written on a whole sheet of plywood were the words... "Slow: Nudist Colony."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad Advice
 

I went to the doctors recently. He said, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What, like bacon and burgers?"

He said, "No, I mean you, Fatty, don't eat anything!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Missing Husband
 

A woman walks into a police precinct and reports that her husband is missing. When the Sargent asked her how long her husband’s been missing she says, “Since last winter.”

Astonished, the Sargent asked, “Why did you wait till spring to report him missing?”

The woman replies, “Because the landscaping company is asking too much money to mow the lawn.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Missing Husband
 

A woman walks into a police precinct and reports that her husband is missing. When the Sargent asked her how long her husband’s been missing she says, “Since last winter.”

Astonished, the Sargent asked, “Why did you wait till spring to report him missing?”

The woman replies, “Because the landscaping company is asking too much money to mow the lawn.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The mailman

 

I'm a mailman. At Christmas this year, Mrs. Jankowitz met me at the door and invited me in for a great breakfast spread. After I ate, I thanked her and she said, "There's more."

 

She took me to her bedroom and showed me moves I had never imagined. I told her I had no idea she felt this way. She said, "I don't." I ask, "What was all this about?"

 

She says, "I asked the husband what to give the mailman." He said, "Screw the mailman, breakfast was my idea."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Clean Kitchen
 

The meal in the restaurant was awful. The diner asked to see the manager. When the manager came, the diner said, “I want to compliment you on your very clean kitchen.”

“Clean kitchen?” the manager asked. “Have you seen our kitchen?”

“No,” the diner replied. “But it must be clean because all the food tastes like soap.”

[worldangel]

Joke: I Think I’m A Bridge

A man with multiple bruises and lacerations rushed to his doctor’s office. “Doctor, I just don’t understand,” the man said. “I think I’m a bridge.”

“My goodness,” the doctor said. “What’s come over you?”

“One semi, a pick-up truck, and two cars.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Family of Storks 

 

There is a family of storks, a mommy stork, a daddy stork, and a baby stork. One day, daddy didn't come home for dinner. Mommy and baby were very worried. When dad came home late the next morning, they asked what he was doing.

"I was making a young couple very happy," he replied.

About a week later, mommy didn't come home for dinner. Daddy and baby were very worried. When mom came home late the next morning, they asked what she was doing.

"I was making a young couple very happy," she replied.

A few days later, baby didn't come home for dinner. Mom and dad were very worried. When he came home very late the next morning, they asked him where he was.

Baby just grinned and said, "I've been scaring the shit out of college students!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly couple

 

There’s an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn’t part of the itinerary anymore.

 

One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, “Everytime one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine.’”

 

A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, “Washing machine.”

 

The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache. A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try.

 

He leans over and whispers seductively, “Washing machine.” Yet again, the wife turns him away. However, a few moments pass and the wife’s needs arises so she rolls over and recites the word, but the husband turns over and says, “Sorry love, it was only a small wash so I did it by hand.”