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Joke: Is It to Wash Babies In? 


An elderly woman travels to Paris for the first time in her life and stays in a five-star hotel. Looking at the installations, she is very pleased and the view out the windows facing the Eiffel tower is breathtaking.

Stopping at the bathroom, she is intrigued by something next to the toilet with a similar form but without a lid. Being curious by nature, she calls up room-service. When the attendant arrives, she shows him to the bathroom, pointing to that strange thing, asking: “Tell me, is that to wash babies in?”

The attendant replies dryly: “No Madame, on the contrary.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Did You Have A Good Time? 


Elmer comes home at three in the morning. His roommate asks, “Where were you tonight?”

Elmer says, “I had a date with a pair of Siamese twins.”

His roommate asks, “Did you have a good time?”

Elmer says, “Yes and no.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: I Already Gave
 

Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling. Moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.

Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.

Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him.

After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.

Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross."

Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Missing Husband
 

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair, and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbour to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.

She replies, "Just because I reported him missing doesn't mean I want him back!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: So, Which Is It?


Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass, and having the balls to say, “You are next!”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Prescription Description
 

Patient: "Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up... something to get me fired up and put me in a fighting mood. Did you put anything like that in this prescription?"

Doctor: "No, not in the prescription. You'll find that in the bill."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: He Wasn't Painless 


"Mummy, that dentist wasn't painless like he advertised."

"Why, did he hurt you?"

"No, but he yelled just like any other dentist when I bit his finger."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: True Love
 

Boyfriend: Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Robert. I don't have a mansion like Gary. I don't have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you.

Girlfriend: Oh dear, I love you too! What was that you said about Martin?

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Pandemic Overreaction
 

I wished my wife a Happy Birthday this morning and then joked, "The clown and the pony will be here a bit later!"

She responded, "Don't worry, I've been sheltering-in-place with the clown for almost a year now."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Crunch Bird
 

A lady went into a pet shop to buy a bird. She saw one that interested her. “What kind of bird is that?” she asked the salesman.

“That is a crunch bird,” he replied. Let me show you what he can do.

“Crunch bird, my paper!” the man ordered. The bird flew down and in one gulp ate up the sheet of paper.

“Crunch bird, my pencil!” The crunch bird swooped down and swallowed the pencil.

“He’s wonderful!” said the lady. “I’ll buy him.”

The lady brought the bird home. Her husband looked at the bird and wondered what kind of bird it was. He had never seen a bird quite like it before.

“That, my dear,” the wife boasted, “is a crunch bird.”

The husband scratched his head. “Crunch bird?” he said. “Crunch bird, my foot!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Your Thingy Doesn't Have


Two 5-year old boys are standing at the toilet, getting ready to pee. One says, "Your thingy doesn't have any skin on it."

"I've been circumcised," the other one says.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off at the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mum said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt. I couldn’t walk for a year!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: I Would Want Silicone


The science teacher stands in the front of the class and says, “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”

Little Peter raises his hand and says, “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porch.”

The teacher nods, and then calls on little Sally, who says, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Maserati.”

The teacher smiles, and then calls on Little Johnny. Johnny stands up and says, “I would want silicone.”

“Silicone? Why silicone?”

“Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: Emergency Pet Store Staff Meeting
 

A pet store owner held an emergency staff meeting.

Pet Store owner to all staff members: "Last month I installed an anonymous suggestion box and asked your thoughts on how to increase sales. I did say the suggestions are anonymous but I'd REALLY like to know who suggested we put recipes on the cages."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Josh Who?
 

My daughter called me at work to say I had received a call from "Josh" at the bank regarding my account.

Returning the call to my bank, the operator asked what Josh's last name was. I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

Then she asked for his department, and I said that I didn't know that either.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she told me rather sharply.

So I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give last names."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Apple Pie Pieces
 

Little Johnny's family had guests for dinner.

The dessert was apple pie. Mom cut the pieces and Little Johnny carried them to the table.

He gave the first piece to Dad, who passed it to a guest.

Little Johnny came in with the second piece and gave it to Dad, who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Let's Try Back to Back


A couple had been married for ten years and their sex life was becoming boring.

One night the husband came home and said to his wife, “Honey, tonight we’re going to make love a different way. Tonight, we’re going to do it lying back to back.”

“What fun is that?” the wife asked.

“Plenty. I invited another couple.”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Difference Between
 

What is the difference between a Finance Manager and an Accountant?

A Finance Manager is concerned with what is to the left of the comma.

 

An Accountant is worried with what is to the right of the decimal!

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Showing His Age 


Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age.

 

He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asked.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” as she processes his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: One Has A Horn


A blond went to a dude ranch and signed up to go horseback riding. The cowboy who was assisting guests asked her what kind of saddle she used.

She asked, "What kind do you have?"

They told her English and Western. She asked the difference, they told her one had a horn and the other didn't.

She said, "Give me the one without a horn, I don't expect to find much traffic."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: How Much Would You Take Off?


The small business owner was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 15%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought for a moment, then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Hair On Your Twinkie


A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut.

As she eats a snack cake, the barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I’m going to get boobs too."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Sweetie, I'll Be Right Over 


Kathleen gets out of bed, throws on her robe and slippers, uncovers the parrot, pulls up the shades, opens the window, puts on the coffee, and sits down to read the paper.

The phone rings. A man’s voice says with anticipation, “Sweetie, I just flew in from London I’ll be right over.”

She puts down the paper, turns off the coffee, closes the windows, pulls down the shades, covers the parrot, takes off her robe and slippers, and gets back into bed."

The parrot says, “Damn! That was a short day.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: May I See Your Ticket


A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: When You Croak 


A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no. Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Mad Cow 


A man and his wife go to a restaurant. The waiter goes to their table and asks for their order. The man says, “I’ll have a steak, and make it really rare.”

“But, sir, what about the mad cow?” asked the waiter.

The man replied, “Oh! She’ll order herself.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Future Son-In-Law 


A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, "Let's get you to the hospital."

As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, "Where are you and dad going?" The mother then explained what happened. The boyfriend then asked if he could try to dislodge it.

The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, "Our daughter's boyfriend is intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up?"

The father replied, "By the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Like the Moon
 

Teacher: What kind of wife would you like Johnny?

Johnny: I would want a wife like the moon.

Teacher: Wow! What a choice...Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?

Johnny: No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: George and the Dragon
 

A stranded motorist knocked on the door of an inn named “George and the Dragon.”

“Could you spare a poor stranded motorist a bite to eat?” he asked the woman who answered the door.

“No!” she screamed, slamming the door.

A few seconds later he knocked again. The same woman answered the door.

“Could I please have a bite to eat?” he asked again.

“Get out, you good-for-nothing!” shouted the woman. “And don’t you ever come back!”

After a few minutes there's another knock at the door. The woman comes to the door.

“Pardon,” said the motorist, “but could I have a few words with George this time?”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: My Favorite Music
 

A boy is listening to the car radio with his father.

"Dad," he began, "what music did you like when you were growing up?"

"Well, I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin," the father replies.

"Who?"

"Yeah, I liked them too."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: Afraid to pee

 

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off.

 

After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off.

 

Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off.

 

I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand.

 

Now I'm afraid to pee.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: On his deathbed 

 

An old man was on his deathbed.

He wanted badly to take all his money with him.

He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.

"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.

Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed.

"I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Anatomy 

 

A new bride went to her doctor for a check-up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husband’s legs?"

The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"

The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"

The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Alien At the Bar  


An alien is in a bar sitting next to this guy. Every time he takes a drink, he spins on his stool, pokes the guy next to him and goes bzzz. He does these two or three times. Finally the guy gets annoyed and tells the alien that if he doesn't quit it, he will beat him up.

The alien takes a drink, spins his stool, pokes the guy and goes bzzz. This infuriates the man, and he takes him outside and pulls down his pants and stands back aghast. "There's nothing there! How so you people have sex?"

The alien smiles, and goes bzzz.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: That's Not A Foot


An extremely drunk man looking for a brothel stumbles into a podiatrist’s office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, “Stick it through that curtain.”

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pull out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtain.

“That’s not a foot!” screams the receptionist.

“Hey lady, I didn’t know you had a minimum!”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Love In the Storeroom


During the morning coffee break, the boss discovered a pair of very junior executives making love in the storeroom. “How can you explain this?” the boss bellowed.

“Well,” said Ms. Smith, straightening her skirt, “neither of us drinks coffee.”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: Brace Yourself


Two hunters go moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they come up with a foolproof plan. They get a very authentic female moose costume and learn the mating call of a female moose. The plan is to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, don their costume and begin to give the moose love-call. Before long, their call is answered as a bull comes crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull is close enough, the guy in front says, "Okay, let’s get out and get him!"

After a moment that seems like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself!"

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: You Have A Six Piece


A man takes his clothes off and says to his wife, “Honey, I lost 10 pounds, do you see my six-pack?”

The wife looks at him puzzled and silent for a moment. She then said, “No dear, I don’t see a six pack but I do see a six piece.”

The husband is shocked, and with a surprised look he asks, “A six piece?”

“Yeah, a six piece… 2 legs, 2 thighs, and 2 breasts.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Find A Big Potato


Jake and Jim are chatting at the beach. Jake asks Jim how come he is always so popular with the women. Jim explains, "I find a big potato and put it down my swim trunks and that’s my secret."

A few days later they meet again on the beach and Jake says, "I tried what you said, but all they do is look at me in disgust."

Jim replies, "Yes, but you are supposed to put it in the front, not the back!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: The Little Rubber Thingy


An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby turns to him and says, “ Sir, if you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back, “Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have had a seat today."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: Exactly 10 Feet and 2.5 Inches


“Will you tell the court how far you were from the spot where the shooting occurred?” asked a defence lawyer.

“I was exactly ten feet, two-and-one-half inches,” replied the witness.

“How can you be sure of the exact distance?” asked the lawyer.

“I carefully measured it because I was sure sooner or later some fool would ask that question.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: She Needs Sex 24/7


A guy is at his wits end due to his wife. He makes an appointment with a psychiatrist.

“What seems to be the problem, sir?” the doctor asked.

“It’s my wife. She needs sex twenty-four seven. I come home she wants to blow me. I go to sleep, she wants to fxck me. What do I do about her?”

“Tell her to make an appointment with me immediately,” says the doctor.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Who Did This To You?


Doug came home unexpectedly early from work only to find his wife lying in bed naked with large hickies all over her neck and red welts all over her breasts.

She had obviously been ravaged in a moment of passion. Doug then noticed a burning cigar on the night stand next to the bed. He screamed at his wife, “What is going on here, who did this to you?"

His wife calmly and innocently said, “No one Doug, whenever I try to smoke a cigar, I break out in a rash!"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: I've Got Good News


A woman visited the doctor. She was waking up every morning feeling awful and only felt better after throwing up.

“Well, Mrs. Douglas,” the doctor said, “I’ve got some good news for you.”

“It’s Miss Douglas,” she corrected the doctor. “I’m single.”

“Oh,” said the doctor, “well, then maybe this news isn’t so good.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Committed Adultery


Impressionable and eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the energetic young preacher raised himself to full height and leaned over the pulpit.

With his booming voice he said, “Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mowf!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Postman


Three women are talking about their sex lives.

 

One says, “I call my husband ‘The dentist’ because nobody can drill like he does.”

The next says, “Well, I call my husband ‘The Miner’ because he has an incredible shaft.”

The third sighs and says, “I call mine ‘The Postman’."

“Why the ‘Postman’?" asks one of them.

“Because he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: What Was In Your Hand?


Tony limps into his friend’s bar. He has two black eyes, a bloody lip, and he is on a crutch. His friend asks, “What the hell happened to you?”

Tony says, “The guy next door did this.”

“He must have had some kind of weapon in is hand.”

“Yeah, a tire iron.”

“Didn’t you have anything in your hand?” asked his friend.

“Yeah, his wife’s left tit. It’s gorgeous, but not much good in a fight.”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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