Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: She's not my wife

 

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sends her husband to a therapist who winds up treating him with self-hypnosis.

 

To her joy, everything gets much better. However, she can't help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband dashes out to the bathroom for several minutes.

 

This torments her until finally, one night, she follows him.

 

There, in front of the mirror, she finds him applying this therapeutic technique, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.”

[worldangel]

Joke: "How much for all night?"

 

A woman seated herself in the psychiatrist’s office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

 

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

 

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

 

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Condom company

 

A representative for a condom company is on her way to a convention.

 

While rushing through the airport, she drops the briefcase carrying her samples of condoms all over the floor.

 

As she is stuffing all the condoms back into her briefcase, she notices tourists giving her crazy looks.

 

"It's ok, she says, "I am doing a huge convention."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma & the boy

 

A boy was going through his grandmother's wallet one night and found her ID card. "Grandma?" he asked, "How much do you weigh?"

 

His grandmother replied, "That's not an appropriate question, Jimmy"

 

He then asked, "How old are you?" She again replied, "That's not appropriate, Jimmy."

 

Finally, he asked, "Grandma, why did grandpa leave you?"

 

Before she had time to answer, Jimmy looked at the card and said, "Oh I see, it's because you got an 'F' in sex."

[worldangel]

Joke: A traveling salesman 

 

A traveling salesman asked a farmer to spend the night. The farmer agreed, but told him he would have to sleep in the barn.

 

The farmer, being a nice guy and knowing how horny traveling salesmen get told the man, "Look son, see that wall? It's got three holes in it. You can screw the first two but don't mess around with that third hole. Got it?"

 

The salesman thanked him and bedded down on a pile of hay. About midnight he got really horny and decided to take a poke at the first hole.

 

It was good but not really satisfying so he took a poke at the second hole.

 

It was even better but he still wasn't satisfied so he thought about the third hole and reasoned to himself, "If that first hole was pretty good and the second hole was even better, I'll bet that third hole will really do the trick!"

 

The next morning the farmer noticed the salesman was still sleeping so he went about his chores and late in the afternoon he finally saw the salesman wake up. "Damn, son! You been sleeping a long time! What happened?"

 

"Well," the salesman replied. "I should have listened to you. I got horny last night and tried that first hole and it was pretty fair but not really satisfying so I tried the second hole. It was good but didn't do the job so I took on that third hole. Say, what's behind them holes anyway?"

 

"Son, that first hole is my sheep, Dolly. The second hole is my mare, Sally, and that third hole is my milking machine and that thing don't quit till it gets a quart!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Told You?

“Who,” raged the angry executive, “told you that just because I have kissed you a few times you could loaf around the office and neglect your work?”

“The company attorney,” answered his personal assistant.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: $500 on the Ground

This guy walking down the street when he ran into this pretty woman. He said: “I bet I can drop $500 on the ground and f**k you before you can pick it up.”

The woman calls her friend to tell her about it. The friend says, "Set him up, when he drops the money just pick it up and run!"

So the woman tells the guy, “The bet is on.” A few minutes go by and the girl's friend calls her back to find out how did it go.

The woman says, “The asshole didn't tell me he had $500 in quarters.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Used Heart
 

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away.

 

Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker."

The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"  

[worldangel]

Joke: Nice Big Breaths

A woman at the doctor’s office is being examined. The doctor listened to her chest with his stethoscope and said, "Nice big breaths." She responded, "Thank you Doctor, but I wish you could have seen them when I was younger."

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing doctors …

 

Two girls and a boy are playing doctors and nurses behind the shed one day. The little boy suddenly drops his pants and shows them his penis.

 

One girl screams and runs away, the other rolls her eyes and proudly scoffs, "Pfft, that's nothing.

 

My daddy's got two of those." "What?!" says the boy, "Two?!"

 

"Yeah two," replies the girl, "One for going pee pee and another for cleaning the nanny's teeth."

[worldangel]

Joke: Traveling through the country

 

Traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station.

 

The attendant asks the old man, "Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town."

 

The old man says, "We're from Nebraska." Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, "What did he say, papa?"

 

The old man answers her, "He asked us where we are from." "Oh," replies the old woman.

 

The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires. When that's all done, the attendant tells the old man, "You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska."

 

The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, "What did he say, papa?" The husband replies, "He thinks he knows you, mama."

[worldangel]

Joke: Professor & blonde girl

 

A professor is lecturing a class and says, "Today's lecture will be about glucose. Glucose is sugar and can be found in lots of stuff. For example, semen, candy, etc."

 

A blonde girl responds with, "How come you can't taste sugar in semen?"

 

The professor says, "Well, sweety, that's because you don't have taste buds in the back of your throat."

[worldangel]

Joke: Honey, I'm home!"

 

A man comes home early from work and shouts, "Honey, I'm home!" No reply.

 

So he goes upstairs and calls from the landing, "Honey, I am home," but still no reply. Frustrated, he goes into the bedroom and finds his wife on the bed, stark naked. "Oh Norman, I didn't expect you this early," she says, holding her chest and breathing heavily.

 

He thinks she is having an heart attack and runs downstairs to ring for an ambulance. He starts dialing the emergency number when his young daughter starts pulling at his jacket.

 

"Dad," she says. "Dad," she says again. "What is it? I'm busy," he says.

 

"Uncle Jack is in the wardrobe with no clothes on," she tells him. He drops the phone and runs back to the bedroom. "You bastard, you f**king bastard," he shouts angrily at Norman.

 

"You bastard! My wife is having a heart attack and you are going around scaring the kids!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Three guys survive ….

 

Three guys survive a plane crash in the desert.

 

They wander for days, starving and thirsty. They finally come across a lone house and knock on the door, desperate for help. A crusty old lady answers, and says she'd be happy to help if one of them will agree to satisfy her sexually first.

 

After a quick discussion, one of the guys decides to take one for the team. He walks in to her bedroom while the other two wait outside the house. He tells her to close her eyes and open her legs. He quickly runs to the kitchen and grabs the first penis-shaped thing he can find, an ear of corn. He shoves it in her, and throws it out the window.

 

Grabs another, rams it in and throws it out the window. She is finally satisfied and agrees to cook for them. He goes outside to get his friends, and they exclaim, "We're actually not hungry anymore. We just ate some delicious, buttery corn on the cob!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Erectile dysfunction drugs

 

So, you've all probably seen these commercials for the erectile dysfunction drugs.

 

They say a possible side effect could be an erection lasting for four hours, and if that happens, call your doctor.

 

I say, "Hey buddy, if that happens, don't call your doctor, call me!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Erectile dysfunction drugs

 

So, you've all probably seen these commercials for the erectile dysfunction drugs.

 

They say a possible side effect could be an erection lasting for four hours, and if that happens, call your doctor.

 

I say, "Hey buddy, if that happens, don't call your doctor, call me!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two women are discussing life

 

Two women are discussing life in the retirement village they live in with their spouses and how they like it.

 

One woman tells the other that she misses sex though to which the other replies that her and her hubby still have sex whenever she wants.

 

The first woman asks how and the second woman says every so often when he's in the bathroom getting ready for bed she gets naked and lays on the bed holding her legs up in the air so when he comes out he can't help but have sex with her.

 

The first woman decides to try this a couple of weeks later. Her husband is in the bathroom getting ready for bed so she gets naked, lays down and struggles to get one leg up and then the other as she's holding them shakily.

 

Her husband comes out and exclaims, "My goodness woman, put in your teeth and brush your hair....you're starting to look like an asshole!"

[worldangel]

Joke: "Head Cleaner"

 

A woman decides to get a porno, so she goes to the store and picks one with a fairly dirty title.

 

When she plays the movie, the screen gets fuzzy and nothing is going on. When she calls the store about the movie, they ask her what the title was, and she says, "Head Cleaner."

[worldangel]

Joke: You Must Be Single
 

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs.

 

The cashier says: "You must be single?”

The man replied: “Wow how did you know that?”

Cashier: “Because you’re not that good looking.”

[worldangel]

Joke: College Graduation
 

Both sides of our family turned out for my wife's college graduation. After the dean finished awarding all the diploma's, he requested, "Will all the 'cum laudes' please stand up?"

My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered, "Wow! The Cum Laude family sure has a lot of kids!

[worldangel]

 Joke: You Pick A Phrase, You Pick A Rhyme
 

You pick a phrase, you pick a rhyme...

Repeat the sound another time...

Five lambs and then an extra beat will do ya...

Another rhyme, a rising note, congratulations, you just wrote, another stupid verse to Hallelujah!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You're A Model
 

I was at the hardware store to get a duplicate of my car key made when the store clerk said, “You’re a model?”

It was exactly what a woman in her mid-30’s wanted to hear. “Well, no, I’m not,” I said, blushing. “But, I’m flattered that...“

He stopped me right there, pointed to my car keys and slowly repeated, “Year…and…model?

[worldangel]

Joke: Farmer Brown & Farmer Jones
 

Farmers Brown & Jones had adjoining farms for years and didn't get along at all.

One night after supper, Farmer Brown knocked on Farmer Jones's door. When Farmer Jones answered the door, Farmer Brown said, "I know we don't talk often, but I wanted you to know that our mule just died today."

Farmer Jones replied, "I'm certainly sorry to hear that, but I am wondering why you came over here to tell me?"

"Because," Farmer Brown said, "you're always supposed to notify the next of kin.

[worldangel]

Joke: Scared At the Zoo
 

A boy and his father go together for a boys’ day out at the zoo.

“Daddy, I don't like how that hyena is looking at me from behind that glass, it's quite scary!” says the boy.

“Shush, Jason, this is only the ticket office!

[worldangel]

Joke: Patient's Request
 

A physician had just finished up a colonoscopy.

Before the patient leaves, he asks the physician, "Could you write a note for my wife, saying that my head isn't really up there?

[worldangel]

Joke: The penguin

 

A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out.

 

So, the penguin goes across the street to the 7-Eleven to kill some time and get an ice cream. Since the penguin has no hands, the poor little guy gets the ice cream all over his beak.

 

He returns to the mechanic and the guy tells him, "Looks like you blew a seal." "Oh no," says the penguin, "this is just a little ice cream."

[worldangel]

Joke: Doris

 

Doris is sitting in a bar and says to her friend that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

 

The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

 

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

 

Fascinated, Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Fat cow

 

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"

 

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[worldangel]

Joke: “Homie hopping"

 

There are some girls that like to do something called "homie hopping" and homie hopping is basically a girl dates a guy and then she ends up trying to get with his friends, and then she gets with someone new, then jumps to his other friends, and so on. Guys have this and it's called "testing the waters".

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Husband’s call to his wife

 

Husband’s call to his wife:
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."

Wife’s Response:
"Who the f… is Paula?"

And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A lady with big breasts.

 

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?"

 

She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner.

 

She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes."

 

Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"

 

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mr. Jack Daniels  

There are two women sitting around talking about their lovers.

One woman says to the other, "I have three lovers and I have names them all after soda pop.

 

The first one I named 7-up because he is seven inches long and always up.

 

The second one I named Mountain Dew because when he mounts me he knows what to do.

 

The third one I named Jack Daniels."

The second woman is confused and she says to the first woman, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda, it's a hard liquor."

The first woman says, “EXACTLY!"

[worldangel]

Joke: It's Your Organ

While making love together for the first time Joe was furious when his girlfriend suddenly stopped and laid back.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Forgive me,” she said, “but it’s your organ. It just isn’t big enough."

“Excuse me!” Joe replied, “But it wasn’t meant to be played in a Cathedral!”

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Ladder to Suc-cess  

A man was walking through a park one day when he stumbles across a ladder leading up into the clouds. Curious, he climbs the ladder and finds himself on a cloud with a fat woman. "Screw me or keep climbing the ladder to success," she said.

Not really interested in the fat woman, the man kept on climbing till he reached the second cloud. On this cloud was an average looking woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success."

Interested, the man decided to climb even higher to a cloud where he found a sexy lady lying on a cloud. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said.

Wondering how much better this could get the man climbed even higher until he reached the next cloud to find, to his surprise, a large fat man. "Hello, hello, I'm Cess!"

[worldangel]

Joke: When You Croak

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no. Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two salesmen

 

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces.

 

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open.

 

Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

[worldangel]

Joke: The cat

 

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two hunters

 

Two hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

 

The other guy takes out his phone and calls 911 and gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

 

There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[worldangel]

Joke: … into a bar

 

A man walks into a bar. He gets very drunk and asks the bartender where the restroom is.

 

The bartender explains it's the third door to the right, but the man goes into the third door to the left. He finds a large golden toilet.

 

The man takes a big poop in it and leaves. He continues to return to drink there every week, and every time he goes to poop in that golden toilet.

 

One day he finds the golden toilet is gone, so he asks the bartender about it.

 

The bartender exclaims, "So you're the one who's been pooping in my tuba!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A man is in court …

 

A man is in court on trial. The judge says, "On the 3rd August, you were accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock.

 

Another man at the back of the courtroom stands up and shouts, "You dirty rat!" The judge asks the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise.

 

The judge then continues, "...and also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty," says the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stands up and shouts even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat!"

 

At this point the Judge calls the loud man to the bench and says, "I have already asked you to be quiet. If you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship do you have with this man?"

 

He replies, "He is my next door neighbor." The judge replies, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments."

 

The man replied "No, your honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three men

 

Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences.

 

The first man said, "My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins."

 

"That’s funny," the second man remarked, "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets."

 

The third man shouted, "Oh my, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Some medical tests

 

An old man goes to the doctor for some tests. When he gets the results, the doctor tells him that he has bad news.

 

The old man says, "Just give it to me straight, doc."

 

The doctor says, "Well, you have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's."

 

The old man says, "I guess it could be worse. I could have cancer."

[worldangel]

Joke: The drunken

 

A drunk staggers out of a bar and let’s go of a loud belch just as a couple are walking in the door.

 

The man yells at the drunk, "How dare you belch before this woman!"

 

The drunk says, "I'm sorry! I didn't know she wanted to go first."

[worldangel]

Joke: The prison note

 

A farmer wrote a letter to his son in jail for robbing a bank: “This year, I can’t plant potatoes because you are not here to plow the field."

 

The son wrote back, “Papa, don’t dare plow the field. That is where I hid the money I stole.”

 

The police intercepted the letter and by the next day they'd dug up the entire field but found nothing.

 

The son wrote to his father, “Now you can plant your potatoes."

[worldangel]

Joke: An old lady

 

On a windy day, an old lady is standing on a street corner, holding on to her hat with both hands, even though her dress is flying up over her face.

 

An old man across the street sees her and runs over.

 

As he approaches her, he says, "Sister, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, standing over here in all this wind with your dress flying over your head, exposing your paraphernalia, and you're holding that damn hat with both hands. You ought to be ashamed."

 

She looked at him and said, "Look here, fool, everything down there is 80 years old, but this hat is brand new."

[worldangel]

Joke: ATR

 

A guy walks into a bathroom, sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR.

 

Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm water sprays up his rear. “Mmmm,” he says to himself.

 

“That was good.” So, he presses WA and a jet of warm air dries his backside. “Mmmm. Nice!”

 

So finally, he can’t resist pressing the ATR button. The next thing he knows, he is waking up in a hospital ward just as the nurse is entering the room.

 

“Nurse, Nurse! Where am I? What happened?”

 

The nurse replies, “You must have missed the sign to not press the ATR button.”

 

“What does ATR mean exactly?” says the guy.

 

“Automatic Tampon Remover. Your testicles are under your pillow.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The two friends

 

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were friends.

 

One day, Boudreaux saw Thibodeaux driving a brand new Ford. He said, "Thibodeaux, where'd you get that new truck? You don't have no job."

 

Tibodeaux said, "You know Mrs. Patty? She's been sweet on me for quite some time. Today, she took me out into the woods in this here truck. She got out the truck, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Thibodeaux, take what you want.' So I took the truck."

 

Boudreaux said, "Well dats good for you Thibodeaux, because her clothes would never fit you."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three doctors

 

Three doctors are out geese-hunting.

 

A gaggle flies over and the oncologist raises and then lowers his gun. "I better conduct an MRI first to determine if those were really geese."

 

Some more geese fly-by & the endocrinologist raises his gun and then lowers it. "I'll need some bloodwork to conduct an A1C and determine what those birds were first."

 

Some more geese fly over. The trauma doc raises his shotgun and blows them out of the sky.

 

"What were those things, anyway?" he asks.

[worldangel]

Joke: Two women friends

 

Two women friends had gone out for a girls’ night out, and had been overenthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.

 

They were very close to a graveyard, and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

 

The first woman had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away.

 

Her friend however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

 

After finishing, they made their way home. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the other husband and says, "These girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

 

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, "From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Great friends

 

Harry, Mary, and Dick are great friends.

 

One day, they discover a magical fence. You can jump over it, say what you want to be, and it will transform you into it. Mary walks off to go to the bathroom. Harry jumps over the fence and says, "I want to be a mailman."

 

So he turns into a mailman. Dick jumps over the fence and says, "I want to be a whale." So he turns into a whale. Mary returns from the bathroom and doesn't recognize her friends.

 

She decides to go looking for them. Mary jumps over the fence asking, "Harry? Dick?" And she turns into hairy dick.