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Joke: The Postman


Three women are talking about their sex lives.

 

One says, “I call my husband ‘The dentist’ because nobody can drill like he does.”

The next says, “Well, I call my husband ‘The Miner’ because he has an incredible shaft.”

The third sighs and says, “I call mine ‘The Postman’."

“Why the ‘Postman’?" asks one of them.

“Because he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: How You Earned It A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I

Joke: The Best to Operate On  Four doctors were talking to each other about who was the best patient to operate on. The first doctor said, "The best person to operate on are librarians cause

Joke: First sperm   Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights. One day, all the other sperms asked him,

Joke: What Was In Your Hand?


Tony limps into his friend’s bar. He has two black eyes, a bloody lip, and he is on a crutch. His friend asks, “What the hell happened to you?”

Tony says, “The guy next door did this.”

“He must have had some kind of weapon in is hand.”

“Yeah, a tire iron.”

“Didn’t you have anything in your hand?” asked his friend.

“Yeah, his wife’s left tit. It’s gorgeous, but not much good in a fight.”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Pecker Knows


Two old trees are conversing in the forest when they happen to notice a baby sapling beginning to grow between them. Trying to determine what kind of tree it is, they find themselves in a bit of an argument. One is certain it is a son of a birch tree, while the other is certain it is a son of a beach tree.

The following day, a woodpecker lands on one of the old tree's branches. "Woodpecker! You know every kind of tree there is. Can you tell us, is that baby tree down there a son of a birch or a son of a beach?"

So the woodpecker flies below and pecks here and there on the sapling then flies back up to the old trees. "Well, which is it, a son of a birch or son of a beach?"

"Ah, neither," the woodpecker replies. "That is the finest piece of ash I've ever had my pecker in!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Yes Or No, Buddy


A beggar approached a passerby. "Sir, would you give me $100 for a cup of coffee?"

"That's ridiculous!" the man said huffily.

"Just a yes or no, buddy," the beggar growled. "I don't need a damn lecture about how to run my business!"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Economic Predictions
 

The economy is going to be so bad that...

1. I will get a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

2. You will order a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter will ask, "Can you afford fries with that?"

3. McDonald's will be selling the 1/4 ouncers.

4. CEO's will be playing miniature golf.

5. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds" you may have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: How Many Do You Need?


Three guys are buying underwear at a store. The first guy goes up to the clerk. "How many pairs ya need?" the clerk says.

"Three," the first guy says. "One for wearing, one for washing, and one for special occasions."

The second guy goes up to the clerk. "How many ya need?" asks the clerk.

"Seven. One for Sunday, One for Monday, you know."

"Good reason."

The third guy thinks to himself, "Hmmm, I like getting attention, maybe I should think of something like that."

"How many do ya need," the clerk says.

"Twelve."

"TWELVE?"

"Yeah, one for January, one for February..."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: You Know You're A Mom When...
 

You Know You're A Mom When...

1. You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

2. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school.

3. You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

4. You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

5. You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Anything In Your Hand? 


"My goodness! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"My Goodness. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit. And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Love Is A Temptation


Love is a temptation caused by a sensation,

In which a man sticks his location into a girl’s destination,

Which doubles the population for the next generation.

Do you need an explanation or do you need a demonstration?

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: That's Against the Law


A woman walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The woman then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "My goodness, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license and they'll throw you and I in jail. Just leave and forget you ever came in here before I call the police."

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Nice Legs


A man goes to a bar, and sees a large girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She's flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh, definitely! Most tables would've collapsed by now."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Take the Soup


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, “Supersex!”

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex!”

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Listen To Your Mother
 

A seven-year-old boy dressed in his pajamas was safely pulled over by police after driving his mom's car 20 miles because he wanted to visit his dad.

The mother said the boy is really in trouble because he was only supposed to go to 7-11 for a gallon of milk and a pack of cigarettes.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Peanut Butter & Jelly Again!


At a construction site one day at lunchtime, three men were all sitting down to eat their lunches. The first man opens up his lunch pail to find a PB&J sandwich. "PB&J AGAIN! I swear, if I have to eat this one more time I'm going to jump off this DAMN building!"

The second guy opens up his lunch box to find a tuna sandwich. " TUNA AGAIN! If I have to eat another one of these stinking things again I’m going to jump off with you!"

The third guy looks inside his box and sees a bologna sandwich and screams, "HELL, bologna again, well, if I get this again, I'll jump off this building with ya!"

Well, the next day all three guys find the same types of sandwiches in their containers so they all leave notes as to why they jumped and then jump off. At the funerals the new widows are all sitting together. The first man's wife cries, "If only he had told me, I would have fixed something else."

The second mans wife says "It wouldn't have been a problem...I thought he liked tuna."

But the third guys wife sat their dumbfounded and said " well I just...just...don't understand! He made his own lunch!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: I'm Only After One Thing


A man parks his car at the supermarket and is walking past an empty cart when he hears a woman ask, “Excuse me, do you want that cart?"

“No,” he answers, “I’m only after one thing.”

As he gets closer to the store, he hears the woman murmur under her breath, “Typical male!”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: It's My Turn Tonight


Forty men attended a counselling session to exchange views on their sex patterns after marriage. After a short briefing, the counsellor asked how many of them have sex with their wives only once a week. Half of the men raised their hands.

The counsellor then asked how many have sex with their wives only once every two weeks. Twelve of the remaining twenty men put up their hands, a little embarrassed.

"I presume then the rest of you do have sex with your wives only once a month?" All, except for one of the remaining eight acknowledged. The counsellor turned his attention to this odd-looking guy sitting at the corner of the class, giggling to himself. "Sir, I am sorry to ask, but why are you still smiling since you are not enjoying the same frequency as the rest?"

To this the timid man said," Tonight is the night."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Have Any Reservations?


A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.

"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.

"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the a....

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: For A Few Minutes Work


Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $90.00.

Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???

Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: On A Technicality


A young major was apprehended, completely nude, while chasing a woman though the lobby of a large hotel. However, his lawyer soon had him freed on a technicality.

The Army manual specifically states that an officer need not be in uniform, provided he is properly attired for the sport in which he is engaged.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: What's the Difference?
 

Bobby: What is the difference between a lemon, an elephant, and a bag of cement?

Ray: I give up, what's the difference?

Bobby: You can squeeze a lemon, but you can't squeeze an elephant.

Ray: What about the bag of cement?

Bobby: I just threw that in to make it hard.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Scale In the Corner
 

Two children went into their parent's bathroom and noticed the scale in the corner.

"Whatever you do," cautioned one child to the younger one, "don't step on it!"

"Why not?" asked the sibling.

"Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Yours or Hers?


A doctor and his wife were out walking when a beautiful woman in tight-fitting halter top and skirt nodded hello from a nearby doorway.

“And who was that?” questioned the wife.

“Oh, just a young woman I know professionally,” said the doctor, reddening slightly.

“I see,” said the wife. “Your profession or hers?”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A Damp Towel
 

One day a child at my four-year-old's preschool class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.'

Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.

The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"

A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: I Have Some Conditions
 

Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail.

Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave."

Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said, "OK. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me."

Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh.

Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate.

So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, "OK, now eat!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Birthday Gift
 

A grandmother sent her grandson a shirt for his birthday. The only trouble was that he had a size 14 neck and the shirt was size 12.

When the grandson sent a thank you note, he wrote, “Dear Grandma. Thanks a lot for the shirt. I’d write more, but I’m all choked up.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Anyone Got A Problem?


A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and then bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!"

A sudden silence descends. After a moment, he asks, "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens. He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfxckers!"

Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?"

A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man. The construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says, "You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no," insists the man. "I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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On 5/5/2021 at 11:07 PM, worldangel said:

 Joke: I Have Some Conditions
 

Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail.

Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave."

Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said, "OK. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me."

Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh.

Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate.

So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, "OK, now eat!"

Is this joke complete?  Womderi

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Joke: My Beard's Gone
 

My husband has always had a beard. One day, he decided to shave it off. He came into the room where my 5-year-old daughter Samantha was and asked her, "Notice anything different?"

To which she replied, "No," with a puzzled look on her face.

My husband then said to her, "My beard's gone."

Now the puzzled look disappeared and the innocent eyes appeared when she said, "I didn't take it!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: You Must Think I'm Dumb


A policeman was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off. “Shall I run and get it for you?” asked the prisoner obligingly.

“You must think I’m dumb,” said the officer. “You stand here, I’ll get it.”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Who Needs Two?


"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"

"I used two fingers."

"What for?"

"I needed a second opinion."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Who Came First


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.

The egg, looking very hacked off, grabs the quilt, rolls over and says, "Well, we finally answered THAT question!"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Just Imagine the Fix


“I have nine children and I’ve just found out my husband has never really loved me,” said the distraught woman to her lawyer.

“There, there, my dear,” said the lawyer, trying to reassure her. “Just imagine the fix you would be in today if he had.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: Words In My Mouth


There was a guy that got married and decided to get a tattoo on his penis. The tattoo he got said "I LOVE YOU".

A couple of days later his wife tells him she wants a divorce and he asks why?

Then she said, "Because you're putting words into my mouth!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: I Killed Your Rooster 


A man was driving down a quiet country road when out onto the road strayed a rooster.

Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at a nearby farmhouse and rang the doorbell. The farmer opens the door. The man, somewhat nervously, said, “I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him.”

“Suit yourself,” the farmer replied, “the hens are round the back.”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: You Only Get Laid Once


If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once.

You get eaten once.

It takes four minutes to get hard, only two minutes to get soft.

You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all...

The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom!

So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: His Face Dropped A Smile


A tourist just back from the Grand Canyon was telling her friends about the trip.

"When my husband first saw the Grand Canyon, his face dropped a smile," she said.

"Why was he disappointed with the view?"

"No, he fell over the edge."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: What's Under the Kilt?


A tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.

After a few minutes, she went up to the sentry and asked, “I’ve always wanted to find out what’s worn under the kilt?”

The sentry replied, “There is nothing worn, Ma’am, it's all in perfect working order.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Go Away Fido


One day a man was eating dinner at his girlfriend’s parents. The dog was under his chair and it barked while he was holding in a fart.

This startled the man and caused him to rip a small fart. The mom said, "Fido!"

Since the dog was receiving the blame, he decided to rip a huge one. Again, the mother said, "Fido! Go Away!”

Seeing as the dog was continuing to receive the blame, he let out a wet, loud, and/or possibly deafening fart. Then his girlfriend said, “Fido, you heard mom, leave before he shits on you!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Have You Ever


Geraldine: "Have you ever come across a man who, at the slightest touch, caused you to thrill and tremble and vibrate in every fiber of your being?"

Mabel: "Oh, yes, for sure... the dentist."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Buzz Kill
 

A guy walked into a bar and noticed they had a huge Silver Back Gorilla sitting at the end of the bar on a short wide barstool.

The guy asked the barkeep why they had a gorilla. The bartender replied, “That’s Joe-Joe, he’s trained to give CPR if someone drinks too much. So, what’ll you have there, buddy?”

The man replied, “A Shirley Temple.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Did You Bring Your Own Bag?


A man goes shopping at Whole Foods to gets a few things. When he arrives at the checkout register the clerk asks, "Did you bring your own bag?"

He responds, "No, she stayed home today."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: He's A Lawyer 


A blind rabbit and blind snake bump into each other in the forest. The rabbit says, "Excuse me, I'm blind."

The snake replies, "That's okay, so am I. I got an idea. Let's rub up against each other so we know what we are?"

Reluctantly the rabbit agrees. The snake coiled around the rabbit, felt his long ears and bushy tail, and said, "Hey, you're a rabbit!"

It was then the rabbits turn. He felt the snake's fangs, ran down the snake's entire body, then felt the snake's rattler. The rabbit jumped back quickly and hopped through the woods frantically screaming, "HE'S A LAWYER, HE'S A LAWYER!"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Churning Milk


A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her.

He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.

When he returns home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieves the bowl. It’s full of butter.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Am I the First? - Marriage Jokes


“Tell me,” the husband asked his wife on their wedding night, “Am I the first man you ever slept with?”

“No,” the woman shook her head. “I’d have recognized you when we met.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A Wet Cat - Sex Jokes


Story: One day, a cat, and a rooster went for a walk. The cat slipped and fell into a pond full of water.

When it came out, it was all wet. The rooster laughed his heart out.

Moral of the story: Where there is a wet p*ssy, there is a happy c*ck.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Speaking Clock
 

The other day, I rang the Speaking Clock.

 

It said, “What's the matter, can't you afford a watch? Are you too lazy to lift your arm up, you idiot?“

It was Greenwich Mean Time.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Tastes Like Shit


The pharmacist proudly showed Mr. Johnson his newest product. “It’s an apple that tastes like a woman.”

Curious, Mr. Johnson took a bite. He spat violently, “This doesn't taste like a woman, this tastes like shit!"

The pharmacist turned it around. “Sorry,” he said, “you bit the wrong side.”

 

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