Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: I like how you're thinking!

 

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None."

 

The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."

 

The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"

 

The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Christmas Tree

 

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

 

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks.

 

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter.

 

The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

 

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

 

 “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hereditary Diarrhea 

A man told the doctor that he had diarrhea and it was hereditary.

The doctor asked, "Why do you say it's hereditary?"

"Because it was in my jeans," he replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cute Angina

An elderly couple decides to marry, and she has a heart condition that he is unaware of.

As they prepare for their wedding night, getting into bed, she says, "George, I have something to tell you... I have acute angina."

George crawled into bed and replied, "I'm glad to know that, because the rest of you is UGLY!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cut Out Wednesday

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests show nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can’t," says the woman. "That’s the only night I’m home with my husband."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Will This Help With My Sunburn?

Sam is on vacation. After the first day his legs are painfully sunburned, so he goes to a doctor’s office.

The doctor examines his legs and says. “Try this.” He hands him a Viagra tablet.

Sam says, “What will this do to help my sunburn?”

The doctor replies, “Nothing, but it’ll keep the sheets off of your legs for a night.”

[worldangel]

Joke: We Eat It

A teacher in a kindergarten school was asking the little kids to tell her the uses of light. Bernard said, "We use it to see in the evening when the sun sets."

Gerard said, "It is useful so that we can read in the evening."

Luc said, "We need it for TV and radio etc."

After all kids said what they thought, little timid Isabelle raised her hand. "Yes, Isabelle, what else we use the light for?"

"We eat it," said Isabelle.

"What do you mean, honey?"

"I'm not really sure. But I heard my mother saying to my father last night, 'Switch the light off and put it in my mouth.'”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting Rid of the Girdle 

One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt. He said to her, “If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle.”

The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, “If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”

The wife grabbed her husband by the crotch and replied, “And if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pain In the Ass 

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says to the doctor, "Why is sex a pain in the ass to me?"

The doctor replies, "You're doing it wrong."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Going To Have A Baby 

Tim goes to his boss’s office and says, “Sir, I need tomorrow off. My wife is going to have a baby.”

The boss gives him a day off. Two days later Tim walks into work, and the boss asks, “Was it a boy or a girl?”

Tim says, “we won’t know for nine months.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Were You Caught Too? 

A man had two parrots, and he was having difficulties figuring out which is a male and which is a female.

 

One day coming back from work he saw that one of the parrots was on top of the other.

 

He caught the one on top and shaved his head, giving him a baldhead, thinking, now he could identify which is the male or female.

The following day a friend of the owner of the parrot, who was bald, came looking for the man.

The parrot called out to him, "Hey mister!"

When the man turned, the parrot said, "Were you caught fxcking too?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Not That Kind of Bar
 

One Saturday evening a man walked into a bar and said, "Excuse me, I would like a pint of beer." The bartender served the man his drink and said, "That will be four dollars." The customer pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and handed it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender said, "but I can't accept that."

So the man pulls out a ten-dollar bill, and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the puzzled man asked the barkeep.

Pointing to a neon sign behind the bar, the bartender explained, "This is a Singles Bar."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Only Male Bear 

A magical frog is walking through the forest. He comes upon a bear and a rabbit. He says, "Since you are the first creatures I have seen, I will grant you each three wishes."

The bear goes first and says, "I wish I was the only male bear in the whole forest."

The rabbit says, "I wish for a helmet." Poof they got their wish. For the bear’s second wish, "I wish I was the only male bear in the whole country."

The rabbit says, "I wish for a motorcycle." Poof they got their wish. For the bear's last wish, "I wish I was the only male bear in the WHOLE world."

The rabbit makes his last wish by saying, "I wish the bear was gay." Then he strapped on his helmet got on the motorcycle and rode away.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Get Well Soon
 

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.

 

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

[worldangel]

Joke: Change the Subject
 

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

[worldangel]

Joke: The three storks

Three storks meet and ask each other, “Where are you going today?”

“Hooo, I'm going to a couple trying to have a child for 10 years... I bring them a little girl."

"That’s cool! And you?”

“I am going to see a lady who has never had children. I bring her a boy!"

“Very well, I'm sure she'll be really happy."

And you?” The first two ask the third stork.

“Me? I am going over to the nearby convent. I would never bring them anything, but I love to scare them.”

[worldangel]

Joke: There's A Mommy Test
 

I was out walking with my 4-year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been. It's dirty and probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed. "So, if you don't pass the test, then you have to be the daddy?"

"Exactly," I replied back, with a big smile on my face.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Get Too Mean 

A guy who has already had quite a few beers enters an already busy bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer, give everyone in the place a beer, and have one yourself!"

The bartender serves everyone a beer and draws one for himself. He walks over to the benefactor, toasts him and asks for his money. The man tells him that ran out of money a long while back. The bartender physically ejects him from the bar and deposits him prone on the sidewalk.

The man picks himself up and strodes back into bar. He crawls on a stool and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer and give everyone here a beer, but none for you, you get too mean when you drink."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Prisoner Escaped
 

Two prison guards are changing shifts in the morning.

“You know that a prisoner ran off in the night?”

The other guard sighs, “Ah finally, no more of that dang hammering!”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Monument Ballroom 

This guy buys some new underwear from a department store. He takes them home and tries them on, but to his dismay they don't fit properly, so off he goes back to the store. When it's his turn at the customer service window, the lady asks him why he's returning the underwear.

The man replies by asking the saleslady, "Have you ever heard of the ballroom in the Monument?"

The puzzled saleslady scratches her head and says, "What ballroom?"

The man snaps, "Exactly!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Telling Camels Apart
 

A camel with two humps is a Bactrian camel.

A camel with one hump is a dromedary camel.

What do you call a camel with no humps?

Humphrey, of course!

[worldangel]

Joke: My First Shot
 

Took my first shot today! So excited, and my next one is in 2 weeks.

It was a hard choice with so many options.

I chose the tequila one.

[worldangel]

Joke: Comparing One Year Olds
 

Ed: How old is your brother?

Ted: He’s a year old.

Ed: Huh! I’ve got a dog a year old and he can walk twice as well as your brother.

Ted: Sure, your dog has twice as many legs.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It's A History Book

 
A curious kid comes running to an elderly man, who is reading a book. He asks him, "What are you reading?"

The elderly man answers, “A history book."

The kid looks at what the elderly man is reading and says, "But that’s a book about sex!"

And the man said, "Yeah, but for me it's history!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Picnic In the Road 

Two idiots are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. One says, "Hey, let’s have a picnic over there under that tree."

The other idiot says," No, no, let’s have it in the middle of the road."

They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road, and then ran into the tree.

The second idiot says, “See, if we were over there, we would be dead right now."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hit Him Again 

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring mother and her 5-year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: My Daddy's Got Two  

Two little boys are talking in the backyard. “My daddy’s got a penis,” says the first.

“My daddy’s got two penises,” says the second.

“No way,” says the first.

“Yeah,” says the second. “He’s got a small one to pee with and a great big one to clean the baby-sitter’s teeth!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Catching the Ferry
 

This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"

"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

[worldangel]

Joke: Orange and Spiked
 

Following a heavy-metal rock concert, one punk rocker stopped at the front desk of the hotel and asked if she had any messages. The desk clerk handed her an unsigned note, and she asked for a description of the person who had left it.

"That's easy," replied the clerk. "He wore tight orange-leather pants, high-heeled black boots and a T-shirt with strategically cut holes. I remember a row of coloured safety pins through the outside edge of one ear, and he wore purple eyeshadow. And his hair was orange and spiked."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Make My Users Satisfied

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, a genie appeared who stated, "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."

The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said, "I'd like there to be a just and lasting peace among the people in the middle east."

The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."

The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes."

Genie replies, "Uh, let me see that map again."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Want, Yes? 

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso.

The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel.

The towel began to lift and the girl arched her eyebrows. “You wantt, yes?” she asked, acknowledging his state of arousal.

“You bet!” was the excited reply.

“Okay,” she said. “I come back in then minutes.”

[worldangel]

Joke: His Third No-Hitter
 

At the weekly senior lunch, it came time for diners to share positive family stories. Grandpa was hard pressed and had to reach for a good one.

As he cleared his throat he said, "My grandson, in his first three little league games of the season, he has three no-hit games!"

"Wow!" Came of voice from the back. "Sounds like he's gonna be a great pitcher!"

After a pause, Grandpa stuttered, "Well, I meant as a batter..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cop on horseback

 

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

 

The kid says, “Yeah.” The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.” The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

 

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” Humouring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”

 

The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Parking ticket

 

So, I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a parking attendant writing a parking ticket. So, I went up to him and said, ‘Come on mate, how about giving a bloke a break?’

 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So, I called him a pencil-necked madman. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

 

So, I called him a horse f*cker. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t give a shit, my car was parked around the corner…

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two men working

 

Two men are working by the side of the road.

One digs a hole and the other fills it back up.

 

They do this several times until an old lady, who has been watching them, comes over and asks “What in the world are you two doing?”

 

One of the workers replies, “We work for the city, the guy that plants the trees is off sick today.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Captain

 

So, a three masted sailing ship is leaving port. Just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down “Sir! There’s an enemy ship on the horizon!”

 

The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts “Bring me my red shirt!”

After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships close to fighting range and fight all day, with many heroics on both sides, but with the captain and his red shirt standing alive and victorious as the other ship sinks behind them in the sunset light.

 

Later that night the cabin boy is curious and asks the captain why he needed his red shirt, and the captain replies “Well, with my red shirt on, none of the men would see me bleeding if I was wounded, and so they would not lose heart and continue to fight on to victory!”

 

The cabin boy thinks that’s pretty clever and goes to bed for the night.

The next day, the captain is standing on the deck as they sail along when the lookout shouts down “Sir! Twenty enemy ships on the horizon!”

And the captain turns to his cabin boy and says “Bring me my brown pants!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Going out

 

A couple was going out for the evening. They had gotten ready, put the dog outside, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out, the dog runs back in the house.

 

They don’t want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

 

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”

 

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long”, he says. “Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Severe headaches

 

Joe is suffering from severe headaches. The doctor says “I must confess, I also suffered from that same type of headache for many years. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex.

 

When she came, she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.

 

Two weeks go by and Joe is back, “Well, how do you feel?” “Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Found a shoe

 

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.

 

Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

 

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Military hospital

 

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

 

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the night-time activities interfered with his rest… and on, and on.

 

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. “Time to take your temperature, General.”

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

“Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.”

 

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, “Stay exactly like that and don’t move. I’ll be back in five minutes to check up on you” and withdrew.

 

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, “What’s going on here?”

“Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” the general barked.

 

“Yes, I have, General, but with a daffodil?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Coming home drunk

 

A regular walks into a bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting him up his usual, and our man, Dave, says, “No, no – just a glass of milk.”

Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has gotten into him?

 

Dave responds, “Confession, my wife told me that if she catches me coming home late and drunk after I’ve thrown up on myself one more time, she’ll divorce me! And this time she means it. I’m blue…”

 

“Hey, no problem!” the bartender says as he starts setting Dave up again. “Do you have any big bills on you?”

“Well, sure,” says Dave. “I just got paid.”

 

“Okay,” says the bartender, “drink all you want and rolf like you usually do, and when you get home and she bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!”

What a great idea, Dave thinks, and starts knocking them back.

 

Later that night, when Dave gets home late, drunk, and having thrown up on himself, his wife meets him at the door, screaming: “Damn it, Dave – I’ve told you! That’s it!”

 

“Wait! Wait! It’s not me! Some drunk threw up on ME and gave me this $50 bill to pay for my shirt!”

 

She yanks the money out of his hand. “Dave, this is a $100 bill.”

“Well,” Dave replies, “that same drunk shit my pants as well.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Police pulls him over

 

A man gets pulled over for swerving.

The Police officer says to the driver, “Sir, I’m going to need you to take a breathalyzer test for me.”

 

Driver: “I’m sorry officer, I can’t do that.”

Police officer: “Why not, sir?”

Driver: “Because I have asthma and it will aggravate my condition.”

Police officer: “Okay sir, then I’m going to prick your finger and draw a drop of blood to test.”

 

Driver: “Oh I’m sorry officer, I won’t be able to do that either.”

Police officer: “What is the problem, sir?”

Driver: “Well you see, the thing is that I’m anemic.”

Police officer: “Okay sir, then I’m going to need to ask you to step out of the car and walk the line at the side of the road.”

 

Driver: “I’m sorry officer, but I can’t do that either.”

Police officer: “And why is that, sir?”

Driver: “Because I’m drunk.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Three salesmen

 

Three salesmen are traveling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar.

 

Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them, “I have a bed in the back room. It’s just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight.”

 

The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.

 

The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says, “Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman!”

 

The man who slept on the right side of the bed says, “Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman as well!”

 

The man who slept in the middle says, “I had a dream that I was skiing!”

Edited June 1, 2021 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 Joke: Three men in hell

 

There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.

 

To the first he said “what was your biggest sin on earth?” and the man replied “Oh man I just love alcohol and being drunk man” so the devil showed the man to a room full of alcohol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said “see you in 100 years” and locked the door.

 

To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied “oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife man”.

 

So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of gorgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said “see you in 100 years” and locked the door.

 

The third man’s answer to the question was “oh man I just LOVE weed! I’m high all the time man and I can’t live without it!”. The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you’ve ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying “see you in 100 years”.

 

100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man’s room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.

 

The devil opened the 2nd man’s door and the man came running out of the room and cried “IM GAY! IM GAY!”. Finally, the devil came to the third man’s room and opened the door.

 

Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked; “hey man, got a light?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Two whales

 

Two whales were swimming together in the Pacific Ocean when they come across a whaling vessel.

 

One whale looks to the other and says “we should swim under it and blow our air out, and hopefully the boat will capsize!”

 

The second whale agrees, thinking that every whaler deserves a fate like that, so they swim under the boat, and exhale as hard as they can.

The boat tips over and all the men on board are stranded, floating I the water.

 

The first whale then says “we should eat these sailors so they don’t ever even have the chance to hunt another one of us again!”

 

The second whale, with a look of disgust on her face, replies “Look. I went ahead with the blowjob, but there is no WAY you’re going to get me to eat the seamen!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Breakfast

 

It’s early in the morning, and Johnny, who’s ten years old, is telling his younger brother Freddie that he’s going to use a Bad Word that day.

 

Freddie thinks this is most daring thing ever, and asks, “Really??? That’s soooo cool! What word you gonna use? Huh?”

 

Johnny whispers “I’m going to say ‘Goodness-damn’!”

Freddie is really impressed. “Wow! I wanna say a bad word too! I’m going to say… say… ASS!”

 

They are both really excited and are whispering and planning until their mother calls them down to breakfast. They can barely control their giggling when their mother sweetly asks, “What would you like for breakfast, Johnny?”

 

And Johnny, with a conspiratorial look at his brother, says “I’m gonna have… gonna have… gonna have some god-damn eggs!”

 

Their mother is stunned, then furious – “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!”, and grabs Johnny by the scruff of his neck, turns him over and spanks him until he’s sore and crying, and then sends him straight up to bed. Then, still furious, she turns to Freddie and demands, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man!?”

 

Freddie is utterly cowed and can barely speak he’s so scared, but finally manages to speak, “I’m … I’m… I’m… not sure – but you can bet your ass I don’t want no god-damn eggs!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New nurse

 

A new nurse is being given the tour of his new workplace. He and a fellow nurse walk the hallways of the hospital. Passing one of the rooms he sees a nurse mounted on top of a patient having rough passionate sex.

 

“What on earth is this nurse doing?!” He asked. The other nurse casually replies “this man has a very rare condition. If he doesn’t ejaculate 6 or more times a day, his balls fill up with pressure and literally explode.”

 

The new nurse, stunned, but content with the answer continues on with his tour of the hospital. A few doors down he sees a man bored and sighing, masturbating to a hardcore porn.

 

“And this man?” the new nurse asked.

The other nurse response “Oh, this man? He has the same condition as the patient with the exploding balls a few doors down. But that patient has better insurance.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Tattoo

 

For a couples’ anniversary, this guy’s wife wants to get the words “beautiful butt” tattoo’d across her ass, since he’s always saying how beautiful her butt is.

 

She goes to get the tattoo, but the artist says that the words are too long and she doesn’t have enough room. She decided to abbreviate the words to BB, one B on each cheek. The artist says he can do that.

 

She gets home to find her husband in bed reading. She strips for him, and turns around and bends over and grabs her ankles. Her husband looks at her ass and says “Who the hell is BOB?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Ventriloquist

 

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of dumb blond jokes when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, “OK jerk, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes.

 

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?

 

It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person… because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large… all in the name of humour.”

 

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little fxcker on your knee!”

[worldangel]

Joke: The golden toilet

 

Dugly goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn’t remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet.

 

He walks into down and goes into one bar and asked the bartender, “Excuse me, this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?”

 

 “A golden toilet? I don’t think so,” the bartender said, giving him a strange look. The man walked into another bar,”Excuse me, you don’t happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?” said Dugly.

“A golden toilet, huh? Don’t be ridiculous.”

 

This continues all day until finally Dugly walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town. He asks the bartender: “Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet.”

 

The bartender smiles, turns around and yells, “Hey Bob, I think we found the guy who took a shit in your tuba!”