Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Like Air

Sex is like air…

It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

[worldangel]

Joke: Let's Talk Economics

A man boarding a plane sat right next to a small boy who looked very nervous. He asked, "Nervous? First time on a plane, son?"

"Yes," the boy replied meekly.

"Well, we can pass the time by talking and the flight will go by quick for you."

"What do you want to talk about?" the boy asked.

"Let's talk about Economics," the man responded.

"Okay, but first answer this question," the boy replied. "If cows, goats and horses all eat the same food, why does the cow 'go' in big meadow muffins, the goat in tiny pellets, and the horse like grassy chunks?"

The man thought for a moment. "Gee, son, I don't know."

"Well, I guess I can't talk to you then. You don't know shit about shit."

[worldangel]

Joke: Name Two Pronouns

Teacher: "Sam, name two pronouns."

Sam: "Who, me?"

Teacher: "Very good!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Fluctuations

A young model is engaged to a ninety-year-old ship tycoon. In preparation for the wedding reception, she tells the caretaker that the festivities must have a football theme.

“Football theme,” the caretaker asks, “Why?”

“Well,” the woman replies, “I’m hoping he’s going to kick off soon.”

[worldangel]

Joke: If Your Hose Is Short

Sign above urinal:

If your hose is short and your pump is weak…

Better stand close or you'll piss on your feet.

[worldangel]

Joke: When Did You Start?

As they were undressing in the locker room prior to a vigorous racquetball match, Dan was surprised to see John slip off a pair of women’s panties.

“Say, old shoe,” he said, “I hope you don’t think I’m being too personal, but, when did you start wearing ladies underwear?”

Dan replied, “Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment.”

[worldangel]

Joke: What Did the Doctor Say?

A woman goes to her gynaecologist for her annual exam and comes home and says to her husband, "Honey, the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

"Oh yeah," says her husband, "what did he say about your 45 year-old ass?"

"Oh," she says, "he never mentioned you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Now You Are Sorry

An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat, Fu-Fu. A fairy appears and says, ”I’m here to grant you three wishes.”

The old woman says, “I wish I was twenty-years old and beautiful again.” Poof! She is.

“Now I wish I had a million dollar and this old house was a mansion.” Poof! Done.

“And now I wish that Fu-Fu was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me.”

Poof! Suddenly she’s in the arms of a gorgeous man. He kisses her and says, “Darling, aren’t you sorry you had me fixed?”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Wet Spot Tonight

Women of the world unite!

It's time to rollover…

And let the man sleep in the wet spot tonight!

[worldangel]

Joke: That's Fair, Your Honour

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

[worldangel]

Joke: I Call It The Rodeo

Two guys are in a bar, having a beer and discussing different positions. The first one announces, “My favourite position is ‘the rodeo.’”

“How does that one work?” asks his friend.

“Well,” the first one replies, “you get your wife on all four on the bed, then do it to her doggy style. When she really starts enjoying it, you whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position, too.' Then you try and hang on for eight seconds!”

[worldangel]

Joke: She So Hairy

Yo momma is so hairy…

You got rug burn during birth!

[worldangel]

Joke: A Large Stiff One

After noticing a beautiful young redhead sitting alone at the bar, a young stud confidently strolls over to her side and says, “What can I get you, gorgeous?”

The woman blushes and replies, “If you’re sure you don’t mind, I’ll have a large stiff one, please.”

“Would that be before or after I get the drinks?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Prize Winning Bass

The man approaches the lady at the bar and gives her his best opening line.

"You're like a prize-winning bass... I don't know if I should mount you or eat you!"

[worldangel]

Joke: What's Up There?

Two little kids saw a big ball in the sky one evening and an argument ensued between them. The first one said it’s the sun and the second one said it’s the moon.

Suddenly, they saw an old man walking by so they decided to ask him. "Sir, we would like to know what is up there, is it the sun or the moon?"

The man looked up and said, "Sorry, I can't tell you. I don't live in this neighbourhood."

[worldangel]

Joke: What Is Courage?

A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What is courage?"

The student wrote: "This!", signed it, and turned it in.

[worldangel]

Joke: Went To Sleep With A Ruler

Yo momma is so stupid…

She went to sleep with a ruler to see how long she slept!

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Quarts

Mesmerized by the automatic milking machine, the pubescent young boy decided to place his member in one of the slots and have it milk him.

The experiment proved highly successful, but when he was finished, he was unable to liberate himself. Unwillingly he called for his father. After examining the situating, the farmer headed for his truck.

“Where are you going?” the boy cried.

“To town, to get oysters. That machine there is set at two quarts.”

[worldangel]

Joke: What's Making You Sad?

Charlie was telling his tale of woe to his boss. He said, “I was so drunk last night that I don’t know how I got home. Not realizing it was my bed I slept in when I awoke, I handed the woman next to me a $20.00 bill.”

“Is that what’s making you sad?”

“No,” said Charlie. “It was my wife I gave the $20.00 to, but she gave me $10.00 change.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother of Six

A man has six children and he is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and he wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home, Mother of Six?”

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

[worldangel]

Joke: If I Knew You Were A Virgin

A man and his girlfriend are making love in his car for the first time.

Afterwards the man said, "If I knew you were a virgin, I would have been more tender.

The girl said, "Oh, if you were not so extremely anxious, I would’ve had time to take off my silk stockings."

[worldangel]

Joke: Every Breath I Take

A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”

“Really?” the man says.

"Yes," she replies.

“Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Meaning of Embarrassment

What is the meaning of embarrassment?

When you run into a wall with a hard on, and you break your nose first.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Penguin Likes Ice Cream

A penguin is driving on a real hot day and suddenly his car starts acting up. He pulls into the first station he sees, and while the mechanic checks the car, he goes to the Ice Cream Parlour across the street.

He gets a big cone, he makes a big mess with his flippers. There is ice cream all over his face. He walks back across the street to check on his car. He asks the mechanic, "We'll, what does it look like?"

The Mechanic replies, "It looks like you have blown a seal."

Penguin says, "Oh No! Its ice cream, REALLY!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Call This Progress?

A psychiatrist congratulated his patient on making such good progress.

“You call this progress?” snapped the patient. “Six months ago, I was Napoleon. Now I’m nobody!”

[worldangel]

Joke: What Are Politics?

Little Johnny was watching TV and he heard people talking about politics. So, he asked his dad, "What are politics?”

The dad says, "Johnny, let me tell you what politics are in my own words. Since I am the breadwinner of the family, I am the capital. Since mommy deals with all the bills and taxes, she is the government. Nanny is the working class since she takes care of you. You are the people and your little brother Danny is the future."

Then Johnny goes off and that night he hears Danny crying. So, he goes in the room and notices that he pooped in his pants. Then he goes to his mom's room and she is ignoring him and telling him to go back to bed. So, then he goes to the nanny’s room and finds his dad screwing her, so he leaves them alone and just forgets about Danny's poop in his pants.

The next morning Johnny tells his dad what politics are in his own words. "Daddy, Daddy, I understand completely what politics are now. When the government is ignoring the people, the Capitol is screwing the working class and the future is deep in crap!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Send Me Your Happiness

A romantic lady sent a text to her lover saying, "If you are sleeping, send me your dream. If you are crying, send me your tears. If you are smiling, send me your happiness!"

The lover replied, "I am in the toilet."

[worldangel]

Joke: Are You Single?

Shirley and Sophie are elderly widows. One day they see a new, nice looking guy come into the indoor swimming pool of the building they live in.

Sophie says, "Shirley, you know I'm shy. Can you go over to the other side of the pool and try to get to know about that guy."

Shirley goes over to the other side and asks the guy, "Are you single?"

"Yes, but I been in prison."

"Why?"

"I strangled my third wife."

"What about your second wife?"

"I got in a fight with her and she fell out the window."

"And your first wife?"

"I shot her."

Then Shirley calls to the other side to Sophie and says, "Yoo hoo, he's single!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Intestines and the liver

“Today,” said the professor, “I will be lecturing about the intestines and the liver.”

Up in the gallery, one med student leaned toward the other, “Damn, if there is one thing I hate it’s an organ recital.”

[worldangel]

Joke: I Like the Way You Think

There's a little boy in Ms. Hill's class named Rodger, and he's a little raunchy. One day Ms. Hill goes, "Would anyone like to guess what's red and round?"

Rodger raises his hand and says, ”A red ball."

"No, it's an apple," says Ms. Hill, "but I like the way you think." Then she says, "What's orange and round?"

Rodger says, "An orange ball."

"No, it's an orange, but I like the way you think."

Then Rodger says, "I got one for you, Ms. Hill. What's long and pink?"

Ms. Hill looks stern and says, "Rodger, that is unacceptable in my class!"

Then Rodger says, "Actually, it's an eraser, but I like the way you think!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Life's Saddest Disappointment - Teacher Jokes

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class, "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said, "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."

The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer. Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher. He then turned to the first girl, who had threatened to complain to her parents and principal. He said, "Well, Mary, I have three things to tell you. First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."

[worldangel]

Joke: I Am A Father of Thousands

A rather dim-witted man saw a priest walking down the street and noticed his unusual collar. He stopped him and said, “Excuse me, but why do you have your shirt on backward?”

The priest laughed. “Because, my son, I am a Father!”

The man was still puzzled. “I’m a father, too,” he said “and I don’t were my shirt backward.”

Again the priest laughed. “But I am a Father of thousands,” he explained.

“Well, shit,” the man said, “ then maybe you should wear your pants backward instead.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Let's Kill the Pig

The old farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge to the pigpen when his wife longingly recalled that the next week would be their golden wedding anniversary.

“Let’s have a party, Joe,” she said. “Let’s kill the pig.”

Joe scratched his head. “Gee, Philomena,” he finally said, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Three Sectors of Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. The devil explains that there are three sectors in hell, and that the man gets to choose where he would like to spend eternity. First, the man sees many people standing on their heads in fire. Their screams convince him that he does not want to be there.

Second, the man sees many people standing on their heads in ice. Their pleading eyes convince him that his cold nature could not stay there. Third, the man sees many people standing around ankle deep in horse manure and drinking coffee. He tells the devil that he could adjust to the smell and that he liked coffee. So the man chose the third sector for eternity.

As the door slammed shut, the man heard an announcement, "Coffee break is over, everybody stand on your head!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Like A News Bulletin

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighbourhood bar. "What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Better Health Plan

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangement to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Build-up Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Definition of Sex

Q: What is the definition of sex?

A: One of the most natural, wholesome, and wonderful things money can buy.

[worldangel]

Joke: I Can Hold My Liquor

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. The bartender gives her the drink, and she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The woman says, "Thank you, how sweet of you OK then, Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you a drink too." The woman says, "Thank you very much my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink this time, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman giggles and replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Like A Tiger Moth

Women pilots relate every aspect of their lives to aviation. The first lady said her lover was like a Cessna Aero-bat. It got up to operating height very quickly, capable of amazing aerobatics, but with a short duration.

The second lady likened her man to a Piper Cherokee, slow to climb, but with an endurance of no less than 4 hours.

The third lady thought hers was like a Tiger Moth, coming out once a year for the annual display and relying on a hand start.

[worldangel]

Joke: She Was Bit By A Snake

Asked to describe his ex-wife, my friend said...

"On a camping trip she was bit by a snake... the snake died."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Mother Is Better

Little Johnny and Little Bobby and in a verbal battle...

“My father is better than your father!” said Bobby.

“No, he’s not!” said Johnny.

“My brother is better than your brother!” said Bobby.

“No, he’s not!” said Johnny.

“My mother is better than your mother!” said Bobby.

Little Johnny paused for a moment and said, “Well you’ve got me there. My father says the same thing.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Every Time I Sneeze

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a flight. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Hold Of My Privates

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The New National Symbol

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed. It just doesn’t get more accurate than that.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Counting with Fingers

TEACHER: "Brian, what's one plus one?"

The kid holds up his fingers and counts two.
BRIAN: "Two!"

TEACHER: "Good job, what's three plus three?"

The kid holds up his fingers and counts six.
BRIAN: "Six!"

TEACHER: "Good job, now put your hands in your pocket and tell me what's five plus five?"

The kid put his hands in his pocket and starts counting in his head and tells the teacher.
BRIAN: "Eleven!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Give Him A Tampon

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

You give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Can't You, Doc?

A veterinarian is feeling ill and goes to see her doctor. The doctor asks her all the usual questions about symptoms, how long they have been occurring, etc.

She interrupts him, “Hey look, I’m a vet. I don’t need to ask my patients these kinds of questions. I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?"

The doctor nods, looks her up and down, writes out a prescription, and hands it to her. "There you are. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put down."

[worldangel]

Joke: Never Had Money Before

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here."

The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."

The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"

"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man. "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here."

The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have my drink." says the dog.

The bartender is amazed. "Sure, you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards."

"Okay," says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.

Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, "Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"

The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Come Out of the Same Place

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Made of Wood

How did Pinocchio discover that he was made of wood?

When his right hand caught fire.