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Joke: Movie Night

 

My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her.

I decided to fix that by having a "movie night" with her.

We watched Hackers, The Net, Anti-Trust, You've Got Mail and The Matrix.

She's still mad at me.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Don't Do It

My husband was water-skiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds.

My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”

The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Let's Go In After Him


Two private detectives were doing some research on a scandalous divorce case in LA. At the husband’s request they staked out the wife’s bedroom, and sure enough, she had another man inside.

The detectives remarked to one another that they were going at it as if sex was going out of style. After watching rather furtively for quite a few minutes, one detective finally said, “As long as we’re here on the case, maybe we should go in after him?”

To this the other replied, “Great idea! Who first?”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Grandpa, What Are You Doing?


A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well... last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Sheerer Than That


At a lingerie store, a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find. "This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item.

"I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350."

"Sheerer than that."

"This is the sheerest we have. It's $500."

"I'll take it!" he replies. The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.

He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Where's My Watch?


A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counsellor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.

In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you high rolling' lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.

"OH MY GOODNESS!" screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Loudest Screams


Dentist begging the patient, "Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?"

Patient replies. "Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time."

"There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: We Didn't Talk About You


Old Mrs. Jones comes home after her doctor’s appointment. “I got a clean bill of health,” she tells Old Mr. Jones. “The doctor says I have the legs of an eighteen-year-old.”

“Whoop-dee-doo,” her husband says, sarcastically. “What did he say bout your seventy-five-year-old ass?”

“Actually, he didn’t mention you at all.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: I Knew You'd Ask


A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?" The witness replied, "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?" The witness, "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

"Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: You Must Have Some Job


The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to the cops!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss, that’s just my pay check in my pocket.”

“Oh, really?" she spat. “Then you must have some job, because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last half hour!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: I Am Still in Mourning


Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago and her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer you my deepest condolences."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Am I the First?


“Tell me,” the husband asked his wife on their wedding night, “Am I the first man you ever slept with?”

“No,” the woman shook her head. “I’d have recognized you when we met.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Is That for Sale?


A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked.

Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?"

"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.

Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Ever Since My Wife Found It


A man notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he’s curious about the sudden burst of fashion daring. He says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings?”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” the other guy replies sheepishly.

“Well, I’m curious. How long have you been wearing an earring?”

“Well, ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Don't Ignore the Kids

 

The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers first. Finally, he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.

"What took you so long, son?" he asked.

"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even."

"How?"

"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be fun at eight o'clock."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Why Marry A Porcupine

 

The young bullfrog, full of himself, went off to find a wife. He met a cute female porcupine, and quickly fell in love with her.

He told his father about his love, and his father was appalled! "Why would you want to marry a porcupine," he asked, bewildered.

"Well," said the young frog, "the elephant wouldn't have me."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: By Those Standards


"Why do you have to buy such expensive brassieres?” the irate husband snapped nastily as he looked over the latest credit card statement. “You don’t have much to put in them.”

“By those standards,” she replied, “you haven’t needed a new pair of underwear in years!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Your Mother's Husband


They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with, "Your father is fishing in Michigan."

The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."

"No," replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Spit It Out


A teacher thought it would be nice to let her class guess some jellybeans flavours. So the next day she brought some jellybeans and the kids got most of the answers correct.

"This next one is going to be a little more difficult. Here's a clue, it's what your Mom calls your Dad.”

Right away a little boy named Tony spits it out and shouts, "Spit it out, it's an asshole”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Did You Happen to See A Soldier?


A lawyer had just hired a new secretary. His secretary walks in with some papers and noticed that his fly was open. She tells him, "Hey, the barracks door is open." He didn't understand what she was talking about, and then he happened to look down and see that his zipper was open.

Later, his secretary walks in and he says to her, "By the way, when you noticed that the barracks door was open, did you happen to see a soldier standing there?"

She replies simply but nicely, "No, all I saw was an old veteran sitting on two saddle bags."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: This Is A Special Frog


A beautiful woman walks into an exotic pet store and asks about unusual pets. The young man working the counter reaches into a tank and pulls out a small frog.

“This is a special frog,” he explains. “If you disrobe in front of it, it will perform oral sex.” The woman is thrilled. Three days later, the woman returns, and she is not happy. “This frog doesn’t do anything!”

The young man looks baffled. “You must be doing something wrong.”

“No, I’m not. I take off my clothes, and hold the frog near me, and he just stares.”

“Well, let me see you try it.” Nervous, the woman complies and strips down. The frog just sits here, blinking.

“Now,” the young man says to the frog while getting on his knees, “I’m only going to show you this, one more time….”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Does Daddy Eat Light Bulbs?


Sara was having breakfast with her mother one morning and suddenly Sara asked, "Mommy, does daddy eat light bulbs?"

Her mother said, "Why heavens, no Sara! Why do you ask a question like that?"

Sara replied, "Well, last night I heard daddy say, 'If you turn the lights off, I'll eat it.'”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: I Won't Leave Him Yet


Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, “Seems like all John and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I have lost ten pounds.”

“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.

“Oh! Not yet,” the first replied. “I’d like to lose another fifteen to twenty pounds first.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Athlete's Foot


Man meets woman in a bar, takes her home, strips off her clothes, and is very impressed!

He removes his own clothes, causing the woman to redress herself. "Whats wrong?“ he says.

“You told me you had at least a foot!” she cries.

“No, no,” he laughs, “I said had athlete's foot!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Daddy, Daddy!


The policeman saw two men fighting and a little boy standing alongside them crying, Daddy, Daddy!”

The policeman pulled the two men apart and, turning to the boy asked, “Which one is your father, son?”

“I don’t know,” the boy said, rubbing the tears from his eyes. “That’s what they’re fighting about!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: I'm Here to Feed the Alligator


An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Turning to Stone


Little Johnny was very curious, and one day he decided to sneak into a strip club to see what it was like. He waited until the bouncer’s back was turn and scurried quietly to the front of the club, where he watched the strippers dance.

When they had removed nearly all of their clothing, he bolted out the door and ran down the street as fast as he could. He was running so fast he smacked right into a man and fell back on his bottom. “What’s wrong young man?” asked the adult. “You look like you just saw a ghost!”

“My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I’d turn to stone. Well I was watching two ladies and all of a sudden I felt something hard!”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Best to Operate On


Four doctors were talking to each other about who was the best patient to operate on. The first doctor said, "The best person to operate on are librarians cause everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

Disagreeing, the second doctor announced that mechanics were the best to operate on because they understand if you've got parts left over when you’re done. The third Doctor replied, “No, no, you are both wrong. A technician is the best cause everything inside is colour coded."

"Excuse me!” broke in the fourth doctor, “The best to operate on are politicians. They have no guts, no spine, and the head and rear are interchangeable."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: I Don't Have A Prescription


A man walks into the pharmacy and whisper to the young lady, "Can I have a box of Viagra?"

The clerk, very loud, replied, "We don't sell Viagra without prescription."

To play on the clerk’s sympathy the man pulls his pants down and says, “I don’t have a prescription, but I have the patient.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: What's A Contingent Fee?


"What is a contingent fee?" asked the potential client.

The lawyer took a deep breath and then answered. "A contingent fee to a lawyer means that if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win your suit, you get nothing."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Let's Make A Deal


The farmer goes to town one day, and runs across his old buddy who is a tractor sales man. "How is it going?" asks the farmer.

"Not very good, I haven't sold a tractor in two weeks" said the salesman. "How is it going with you?"

"Not so good," replied the farmer. "The other night I went out to milk my cow. First she tried to kick me with her right leg so I tied her leg to the right side of the stall. Then she tried to kick me with her left leg, so I tied that to the left side of the stall. Then she swatted me with her tail so I tied that to the ceiling. Then my wife walked in. So if you can convince her I was just trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Two Tickles for Elmo


This girl saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at the Elmo manufacturing factory, in the Tickle-Me-Elmo department. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was boring.

The girl begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arrived there, the girl was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager angrily said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test-tickles, NOT two testicles!''

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Sucking My Thumb


Once in the middle of the night two little boys got up to get some water from the kitchen.

On their way past their parent’s bedroom they heard a funny sound coming out from there. The oldest boy looked into the keyhole.

He backed up and said, "I can't believe it!”

The younger brother looked in afterwards and said, "And she yells at me for sucking my thumb!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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