Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: I Don't Know Her Size

At a boutique this customer asks, “My wife needs a bra but I don't know her size.”

The sales clerk says, “Touch mine and try to calculate.”

The man replies, "By the way. I forgot she also needs panties.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: More Of A Trick Dog

Two buddies are sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever do it doggy style?” asked one of the guys.

“Not exactly,” his friend replies. “She’s more into being a trick dog.”

“Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?”

“Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she rolls over and plays dead.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Good Girl and A Nice Girl

What's the difference between a good girl and a nice girl?

A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed.

A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home.

[worldangel]

Joke: Did You Jump?  

Two paratroopers are sitting in a cafe for breakfast when one says to the other, “I have had a terrible morning. At about 3:00 in the morning this big hairy man comes up to me and tells me if I want to join the army, I need to follow him. So off I go to a plank raised 10 feet from the ground and he tells me to jump."

"So did you jump?" the other paratrooper asked.

"Of course not! I told him I’m a paratrooper and that it is below my dignity to jump 10 feet. So he took me to another platform, 50 feet from the ground and told me to jump."

"And did you jump?" the other paratrooper asked, again.

"Of course not, I told him I'm a paratrooper and it was below my dignity to jump 50 feet. So he took me to a platform 200 feet from the ground, pulled down his trousers and took out his big hairy willy and told me if I didn't jump he would stick it up my ass."

"So did you jump then?"

"A little bit at first."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Price of Oranges
 

Mrs. Goldberg was shopping at a produce stand in her neighbourhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?"

"Two for a dollar," answered the vendor.

"How much is just one?" she asked.

"Sixty cents," answered the vendor.

"Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Goldberg.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Put Up A Fight?
 

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight. Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.

Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug asked, "Why did you put up such a fight?"

To which the man promptly replied, "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Do You Want the Powder
 

Salesman: "Madam, do you want this powder?"

Housewife: "For what?"

Salesman: "For ants."

Housewife: "No. If I give powder today, they will ask for lipstick tomorrow."

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Going to be A Hunter  

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here."

The next one says, "I want to be an Olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here."

Then the last baby says," I'm going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm gonna chop that damned thing in half!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Claim Check
 

While going through his deceased father’s things, a man finds a 25-year-old claim check for a shoe repair.

Curious, he goes to the store and hands the owner the ticket.

The owner goes to the back and then reappears. “Good news,” he begins, “they’ll be ready next Friday.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Keep Having the Same Dream

A distraught man goes to see a psychologist. “How may I help you?" asks the shrink.

“Doc, every night I have the same dream. I’m lying in bed and a dozen women walk in, try to rip my clothes off, and then have wild sex with me.”

“And then what do you do?” the shrink asks.

“I push them away,” the man says.

“Then what do you want me to do?” the shrink asks.

“Isn't it obvious? I want you to break my arms!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Happiest Woman in the World 

A couple was lying in bed and the husband said to his wife, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The wife replied, "I'll miss you."

[worldangel]

Joke: That's What You Can Do

 

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.

The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, ''I was going to park there!''

The man was a real smart aleck and he said, ''That's what you can do when you're young and quick.”

Well this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.

The young man ran back to his car and asked, ''What did you do that for?''

The little old lady smiled and told him, ''That's what you can do when you're old and rich!''

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I've Been Geesed 

The crowded elevator had just begun to rise when one of the young women on board screamed and said, “I’ve been geesed!”

“You mean you have been goosed?” asked the man in front of her.

“Listen, buddy, I know how to count!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sorry Honey  

The dumb girl walks into work and tells her boss, "TGIF!"

Her boss replies, "SHIT!"

The girl repeats herself and so does her boss. Then finally she says, "I don't think you quite understand. I was saying 'Thank Goodness It's Friday'."

Then her boss says, "No, I don't think you quite understand. I was saying 'Sorry Honey It's Thursday'."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: You've Still Got It!   A guy walks out of a house of ill repute and sits down on a park bench, deep in thought. “Man, o' man!” he says to himself. “What a business! You’ve got it. You sell it. And you’ve still got it!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Everyone Stay Put
 

Our family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. My husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of the car, in case the lines went dead.

He didn't return for the longest time, so I went looking for him. I was upstairs calling his name, when I heard our phone machine click on.

"Hi," a voice said. "This is Dad. I'm locked out of the house."

[FattChoy]

1 hour ago, worldangel said:

Joke: Everyone Stay Put
 

Our family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. My husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of the car, in case the lines went dead.

He didn't return for the longest time, so I went looking for him. I was upstairs calling his name, when I heard our phone machine click on.

"Hi," a voice said. "This is Dad. I'm locked out of the house."

Not funny

[worldangel]

Joke: The Exam Questions
 

Simon: How were the exam questions?

Peter: Easy.

Simon: Then why do you look so unhappy?

Peter: The questions didn’t give me any trouble — just the answers.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Horseman
 

Son: "Gee pop, there's a man at the circus who jumps on a horse's back, slips underneath, catches hold of its tail and finishes up on the horse's neck!"

Dad: "That's easy... I did all that the first time I ever rode a horse."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Snail Feelings
 

A snail was involved in an accident that resulted in his shell being torn completely off.

Hearing about the accident, one of his friends rushed over (as much as a snail can rush) to his friend's house.

"I heard about your accident!" he exclaimed, and then asked, "How are you feeling?"

The recovering snail answered, "Sluggish."

[worldangel]

Joke: Nine Out Of Ten
 

"What are the chances of my recovering?" asked the bedridden man.

"One hundred percent," the physician reassured him. "Medical records show that nine out of ten die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. Others all died. Statistics are statistics. You'll be fine soon enough."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pizza Parlour Violence
 

Just because my wife and I didn't eat all of our pizza, the waitress became violent.

She said, "Do you want a box?"

I said, "Heavens no! I don't box, but I'll wrestle you!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Previous Appointment
 

A dentist was about to leave his office with his golf bag on his shoulder, when the phone rang.

“Doctor,” the caller said, “I have a terrible toothache. Can I stop by your office in a few minutes?”

“Sorry,” replied the dentist, “but I have a previous appointment to fill eighteen cavities this afternoon.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Plant Based Meat
 

Ashlea: I told you, I'm on a strict plant-based diet.

John: Don't worry, these burgers are all plant-based.

Ashlea: Mmm... this is delicious. What plant is this from?

John: Meat-packing plant.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing Doctor
 

The seven-year old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It's For My Schnauzer 

Frank’s neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet.

 

The problem was hair in the ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

 

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

 

The lady went to the drug store and got some 'Nair' hair remover.

At the register the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Where's the 'P'?

There was a kid in a class who wanted to go to the bathroom to go pee, and he couldn’t ask because his teacher was asking students 1 by 1 to recite the alphabet.

Then it was his turn. He started, "A, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o... q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z."
Then the teacher asked, "Where’s the 'p'?"

The boy looked down and looked sad, "The pee is under my pants."

[worldangel]

Joke: A 'B' On Each Cheek 

Brian and Cindy Blossom were about to have their first wedding anniversary and Cindy wanted to do something special. She decided to get a tattoo because Brian thought they were very sexy.

She goes to the tattoo parlour and can't decide on a design, so she decides to get Brian's initials BB tattooed on her ass. She gets a 'B' on each cheek. She goes home and waits for Brian to come home. When she hears his car pull into the driveway, she drops her pants bends over and grabs her ankles making her new tattoo the first thing he sees when he walks in.

The door opens. Her husband walks in and with an angered look on his face, he yells, "WHO THE HELL IS BOB?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Ladder to Suc-cess  

A man was walking through a park one day when he stumbles across a ladder leading up into the clouds. Curious, he climbs the ladder and finds himself on a cloud with a fat woman. "Screw me or keep climbing the ladder to success," she said.

Not really interested in the fat woman, the man kept on climbing till he reached the second cloud. On this cloud was an average looking woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success."

Interested, the man decided to climb even higher to a cloud where he found a sexy lady lying on a cloud. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said.

Wondering how much better this could get the man climbed even higher until he reached the next cloud to find, to his surprise, a large fat man. "Hello, hello, I'm Cess!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Strict Vegetarian  

Entering the cannibal village, the missionary took the precaution of informing the chief that he was a strict vegetarian.

“That’s okay,” said the chief, looking the newcomer over. "Here we all are strict humanitarians."

[worldangel]

 Joke: He's Not That Smart 

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog.

 

The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?"

The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?"

The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?"

The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops. The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."

The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

[worldangel]

Joke: I've Been Geesed 

The crowded elevator had just begun to rise when one of the young women on board screamed and said, “I’ve been geesed!”

“You mean you have been goosed?” asked the man in front of her.

“Listen, buddy, I know how to count!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: When You Die  

A couple had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever.’” “Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.’”

[worldangel]

Joke: I've Tried Everything

A little boy was sitting on the side of a curb and was crying. This old man was passing by, and he stopped and asked the little boy, “My dear boy, why are you crying?”

The little boy looked up at the old man all teary eyed and said, "I've tried everything and I cannot get laid."

The old man looked at the little boy, sat right next to him, and started crying too.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Anything You Suggest

One day, a very attractive undergraduate visited the professor's office. The undergraduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc.

Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest."

The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?"

To which the undergraduate cooed, "Yes, anything you say."

After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?"

The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then."

The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Paint Us Making Love

Joan says to her husband, “I’d like my cousin Joe to visit one weekend and paint a picture of us making love. He is an artist, you know."

Her husband replies, “Oh, he paints still life does he?”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bigger Than His

A man is walking and sees a sign that says: "MAKE MY DONKEY LAUGH AND WIN $200!"

The man thought, what the hell. He goes up to the man at the booth and asks, "How much?"

The man at the booth replies, "Fifty dollars, please." He gives the $50. The man went around the wall to the donkey, whispered something into it's ear. The donkey laughed hard and laughed loud. The man had got his $200 and was on his way.

The next month he was walking the same rout again, and he sees a sign that says: "MAKE MY DONKEY CRY AND WIN $200."

So he walks up to the booth and again, pays the $50. He goes around the wall to the donkey and whispers something in its ear. When he comes around the donkey is balling his eyes out crying. Then the man at the booth says, " How did you make him laugh and cry?"

"Well, when I made him laugh I said my penis was bigger than his. Then to make him cry, I showed him."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Like the Mona Lisa

“My wife is like the Mona Lisa.”

“You mean she’s beautiful and has an enigmatic smile?”

“No. She is as flat as a canvas and ought to be in a museum."

[worldangel]

 

 Joke: Delivery Only

At a party, an obstetrician’s wife noticed another guest, a large oversexed woman, making advances to her husband.

She tried to ignore it until they disappeared into a bedroom together.

Immediately she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and yelled, “Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn’t install them!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Always Take Measures 

A teenage girl confessed, "Mom, I’m pregnant."

"How?" huffed the mother. "What did I tell you about sex?"

“That I should take measures. Well, that’s what I did! I took measures and went with the biggest."

[worldangel]

Joke: She Left With My Best Friend

A guy rushed into the bar and told the bartender, "The beers are on me! My wife ran away with my best friend!"

The bartender smiled and said, "That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?"

"Hell no, I'm not unhappy," replied the guy. "They saved me a fortune... both of then, were pregnant!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Is the Frickin' Cat There? 

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving 20 blocks from the house and leaving the cat at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He let the beast out of the car and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further, but the feline would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, cross the bridge, then right again, and make another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home. "Jen, is the frickin' cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers, "Put that SOB on the phone. I'm lost and need directions!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: How Did You Catch Him?

A squirrel was tearing up this woman's garden, digging up her carrots and other plants. So she set up a trap, one with apples and the other with nuts.

The next day the woman shows her neighbour what she caught. The neighbour asked "How did you catch him, by the apples?"

The woman smiles and says, "Nope... by the nuts."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Stranded Salesman
 

A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands.

He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.

The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Couple of Stiff Ones

 

 A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking girl behind the wheel. There was a strong liquor smell all over the car.

"I am going to give you a Breathalyzer test,” he said. “That will show whether or not you are under the influence of alcohol.”

She blew up the balloon and the cop walked it back to the police car. After a minute or two, he returned to the girl’s car. “Well, it looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones,” he said.

“You mean it shows that too?!?!” she asked, surprised.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Signs You're Too Drunk 

Signs that you are too drunk:

You wake up with a traffic cone between your legs.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

You go to donate blood and they ask what proof it is.

[worldangel]

Joke: That's A High Lawyer Bill

 

Politician (to his lawyer): I'll admit it was a miracle you were able to clear my name. However, I don't understand why you charged me three times the hours of actual work?

 

Lawyer: It has to do with the law.

 

Politician: Do you mean to tell me the law told you to triple bill me?

 

Lawyer: No, but for some odd reason the law doesn't allow me to write the word "bribe" on a billing statement.

[worldangel]

Joke: Payment Please
 

"I saw the doctor you told us to see."

"Did you tell him I sent you?"

"Yes, I did."

"What did he say?"

"He asked me to pay in advance."

[worldangel]

Joke: I Sent Him There for an Education

“I sent my son to college to get an education,” complained Joseph to Allan, “but all he seems to do is shack up with girls, smoke pot, and have a good time.”

“Most college students do that today,” replied Allan.

“That’s the trouble,” snapped Joseph, “I should have kept him home and gone to college myself.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Appendectomy
 

Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"

"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"